Work Text:
This must be what the poets talk about. You read me like nobody else, this is different, I can tell.
Eddie hated therapy. He preferred to shove his feelings away and not deal with them, with the hope of never having to face a million little words that threatened to pull him apart at the seams. But therapy was all about unpacking those words, taking them out of the organized, tied wrapping, and letting them all uncurl for the world to see. Or, at least, for Frank to see.
Eddie hated therapy, but he knew it was all to help him, he knew it was important, so every time Frank assigned him homework, he did it. One week he had been tasked with visiting a coffee shop and letting someone else pick what he got. That had been a lesson in releasing control, and Eddie thought that he mastered it when Buck revealed the unicorn latte surprise he’d ordered. It was a lesson in regulating his need for control as much as keeping his fists to himself (that had pleased Frank and he had told Eddie to thank Buck... Eddie didn't).
Another exercise had been going through the water tunnel at the aquarium. Every time Eddie tagged along with Buck and Chris to the Water Rescue in downtown LA, he had avoided the underwater walkway. There was something about being in a confined space and the illusion of being submerged that Eddie hated, and apparently Frank hated Eddie.
But Eddie had held onto Buck’s hand like it was the only thing connecting him back to Earth, and walked through the entire tunnel. It was beautiful too, the teal and blue water casting shadows along their faces. Buck had never looked more perfect, and Eddie had forced himself to turn away his face before Buck noticed red on his cheeks.
When Eddie had gone to therapy after that day, he’d been recounting how peaceful it felt to see all of the fish passing over their heads, and he’d mentioned, almost off-handedly, how pretty it looked. When Frank asked him to describe what it looked like, Eddie had told him that the shimmering of the water over Chris and Buck’s faces had made them look majestic. He'd been so lost in describing it that he hadn’t even noticed he’d said the quiet part out loud.
“Buck’s eyes kept catching the light of the sun on the water, and they looked like a sky with no clouds. Seeing his wonder too, like when Chris first saw the ocean, it made me realize just how much I wanted to give him that. The wonder. I wanted to take him and Chris back to the ocean, and I wanted to go to the mountains and watch their eyes widen when they saw the view.” Eddie had a smile painted on his face, one that he didn’t often have when he was in therapy. Frank must have noticed, because he leaned back in his chair and placed his journal down on his lap.
“If you could use one word to describe that feeling, which one would you use?” It was something Frank asked a lot, helping give Eddie words to describe the feelings he had. Years of ignoring them had made him forget how to word things too.
Eddie thought about it for a moment. Thought about how the feelings bounced around in his stomach. He noticed the way his body felt like it was full of birds, flapping their winds and causing wind to pick up in his veins. Finally, he realized that he had two different feelings in his body.
“One of them is desire, I think, because I want to be able to provide them with that. I want to be the one to give that wonder to them, to be the reason their eyes are shining.”
Frank had written that down with a nod of his head and a wide smile. “And the second?”
Eddie had tapped his foot against the ground and finally, almost like it had been whispered into his ear by something else, found it. “Forever?”
Frank scribbled that into his book too, one eyebrow higher than the other, peaked with interest. “Why do you think that word feels right?”
Eddie shrugged, he didn’t know why, it just did. It felt like someone had been screaming it in his mind for a while, but he wouldn’t have ever heard it if he hadn’t listened. “I wish I could give them that wonder forever, I guess. Like, I don’t want anyone else to be able to make their eyes shine like that. I want to be that light for them.”
Frank had written that down, then checked his watch. “Well, Eddie, I think that just about wraps up our time together, but I want to continue to expand on these feelings. Your homework this week is to write a letter to Buck, it doesn’t have to be on paper, it can be on your phone, but I want you to write it like he will never read it. Put all of these feelings in there, the desire, the forever, everything and anything you’ve ever felt around him. I know you can do it too, we’ve been practicing for this. Just write what you feel, and write like no one is watching. I find that most times, putting down the feelings in something tangible, can help you find the words for even more of yourself.” He had closed his book with a snap, and placed the pencil on the table beside him. “Have a good week, Eddie.”
They’d shaken hands and Eddie had gone on his way, and he hadn’t really thought about what he was going to write. A letter to Buck was like Pandora's box, he knew as soon as he started thinking about it, his fingers would itch to get a pen. So he climbed into his truck and drove home, Chris met him at the door, a packing peanut stuck in his hair, and they’d eaten dinner together. Buck was out at Maddie’s for the night and Carla had scurried off to a family barbeque once Eddie had arrived, so after Chris crawled into bed, Eddie was left alone. He’d sat at the kitchen island and opened his notes app. He didn’t want to use pen and paper, in case Chris found it while unpacking or, god forbid, Buck found it, so he opened a new note and began typing. Just like he’d thought, the words had been out of his mind and down in words like the breaking of a dam. He’d sat like that late into the night, until finally his fingers stilled and he was satisfied with his work. He’d closed the notes app, locked his phone and gotten ready for bed without as much as re-reading it. He figured if he looked at it again, he’d just want to change a word or take out a sentence, embarrassment would get to him even in his weird sleep deprived state, so he crawled into bed and didn’t think about it again.
7 days. The note would only exist for 7 days, who would even have Eddie’s phone in that time?
You pulled me off the pages. Been waiting ages for you to arrive.
Sundays were grocery days in the Diaz household, and since Buck was still struggling to find an apartment he liked, they went through food faster than the Huns. Eddie had been standing at the fridge for almost 20 minutes, trying to find something to make for dinner when Buck got back from picking up Chris at school. They were bound to arrive any minute, and there were still two days until grocery day. There had to be something.
Five more minutes passed before Eddie heard the familiar creak of the front door, and the shuffle of feet trying to walk around the broken down boxes stacked by the shoerack. They had almost finished unpacking, but Eddie felt bad putting all of his things back into his bedroom while Buck was still using it. The furniture had been switched out, or rather , almost all the furniture had been switched out. Eddie put his couch back, but some of Buck’s things were still on the walls, tucked in like a ready-made house. It made Eddie feel some kinda way, but he didn’t have time to think about that. Chris walked straight past Eddie, mumbling something about being bone tired and just wanting to change. Buck stopped in the kitchen, tossing the keys back into the bowl, a pottery piece Chris had made years ago that they still used. His eyes slowly made their way up to Eddie, who had been standing in the kitchen, refrigerator door long-closed, holding one bell pepper and an empty packet of salami.
“Buck, we don’t have any food.” His eyes were wide and wild, and Buck looked like he was about to call Athena to come and restrain him. That, or he was going to call one of the government officials who had helped them get Bobby out of the lab. Maybe Bernadette could find a nice insane asylum cell for Eddie now that they knew her connections with getting people out and into government facilities.
“O-ok, that’s alright. We can go get more. What do you need?” Buck glanced at the fridge sideways, looking for the whiteboard they always kept on the fridge to keep lists.
It was gone.
“Eddie, where’s the whiteboard?”
Eddie pressed his lips together and Buck threw an annoyed look his way. “I kind of… took it to the station to use as the list keeper there .”
Buck sighed and held out his hand. “Ok, give me your phone then. You stick your head in the fridge and tell me what we need. I’ll write it down.”
Eddie tucked his hand into his pocket to grab his phone before realizing that it wasn’t there. He turned in an entire circle, listening to Buck’s annoyed sounds as his eyes searched the room for where he’d left it. “Oh, I forgot I plugged it up. It’s behind you.”
Buck turned and tugged the charger out of Eddie’s phone, holding it up to put in the password. Eddie was about to tell him what it was when Buck opened it all on his own and pressed into the notes app. Since he’d done it himself, Eddie focused on pulling open the fridge and looking inside. While he was doing that, he was distracted enough that he didn’t remember what was inside the app. The one note with the words “for Buck” typed into the title line. He continued to dig around, not seeing as Buck scrunched up his lips and pressed into the note, confused and interested. He didn’t hear as Buck sucked in a quick breath at the end of the letter, and he didn’t notice a fragile smile tied onto his best friend’s face as he opened a new list.
“S-so what do we need?”
Eddie began rattling off things, none the wiser that the letter no one was supposed to see, had just been seen by the one person whose life it would change. The list was done in a moment, and Eddie walked away to go get Chris so they could go to the store. And while he was gone, Buck glanced down at the phone, his hands shaking a bit as he copied the list onto his own app. Then he picked up Eddie’s phone and placed it back on the charger, knowing that Eddie wouldn’t remember to take it with them to the store. He could avoid Eddie ever knowing that he opened the note. He could get away with it until the next time Eddie opened the app and saw that little date under the title, “last opened.”
Everything worked according to his plan too. Eddie realized at Target that he didn’t have his phone, and then Buck told him he’d copied it in case he forgot it. Eddie patted him on the back and said “you know me so well” and didn’t notice the extra gulp that slid down Buck’s throat. He didn’t even open his notes app again until therapy the next week, when he was sitting across from Frank and was about to read him the letter. That’s when he noticed it, the date had changed, and there, right beside it, was the list Buck had taken.
Frank almost had a heart attack when Eddie screamed.
Promise that you’ll read me again.
Eddie sat in the driveway, tapping his fingers against the wheel and trying to convince himself to walk inside. He knew Buck was in there, cooking dinner and ready for whatever Eddie needed after therapy. When Eddie found out that Buck had seen the letter, he’d gone through every interaction they’d had, over-analyzing every word Buck had said. Every raise of his eyebrows, every time his eyes found something else to look at. It had been a week . 7 days . Frank had talked Eddie out of ordering a ticket to Saskatchewan and then read the letter. He’d smiled at Eddie and told him it was good, that it was honest, and maybe it wasn’t the worst thing for Buck to see. It said everything Eddie hadn’t. After they’d gotten Bobby back, Buck and Eddie hadn’t really talked about their argument, but that meant that Eddie never apologized. He’d just brought Chris and Aunt Pepa over for dinner. It wasn’t the same thing as saying I’m sorry .
It had been 15 minutes. Eddie sat in his own driveway with his car off for half of a half-hour. If Frank could see him now, he would probably give Eddie homework, that being “go inside” or something else a therapist would say. Something stupid.
He was just beginning to get his strength to walk inside when the front door burst open and Buck ran out, almost tripping to get to the car. He pulled the door open and stood there in front of Eddie, staring at him with wide eyes.
“Eddie! You scared me. Your location says you’ve been sitting here for 15 minutes, I thought you were having a panic attack.” His fingers were still on the door, but they twitched like they didn’t want to stay there. He was watching Eddie like he really was having a panic attack.
“Oh, uhm, yeah, I was just letting the song play.” It would have been even more believable if Eddie had even had the radio on, but Buck just nodded and turned around, leaving the door ajar for Eddie.
“Well, come on, I told Chris I was just coming out here to have a grown up conversation with you, but he’ll notice I’m gone after-”
“Buck?” The words were on and off Eddie’s tongue before he had three seconds to think about them, and they both stared at each other in shock. Buck was watching Eddie carefully, no doubt thinking of where this conversation was going.
“It's ok, I-I know you saw it. The letter in my notes app.”
Buck’s face drained of color, and despite his size, and height, Eddie thought he looked small, curled up and worried. Like a small dog with its tail between his legs. “W-what?”
“The letter I wrote you, it was for therapy, and I… I just found out you saw it.” Eddie wasn’t looking at Buck’s face anymore, but he could hear the heaviness in his breath. He climbed out of the truck, closing the door behind him and leaning back against it to keep himself up. “You weren’t supposed to see it.”
Buck swallowed and nodded, his head bobbing like he’d forgotten how many times normal nodding went up and down. He wasn’t smiling anymore, and his fingers were twisting together, the way they did when he was nervous. “I know. I figured as soon as I saw the first sentence that it was private. A-and well, I don't really have a good excuse for continuing to read it, but I know I shouldn’t have. That’s why I pretended I hadn’t read it, instead of saying something. I would have said something because, god Eddie, I’ve been waiting for something like this for so long. But you didn’t show it to me! I wasn’t supposed to see it. I know, I know -”
Eddie charged forward and slid his hands onto Buck’s hips, shaking him back and forth and forcing his eyes to drop down to him. “Buck, Buck -” When he knew Buck was watching him, he dropped his voice down to stop the spiral. “You were supposed to see it, but I wanted to do it with the right words. I wrote that down so I could say it and you could hear it, and I could have you. I was just trying to make it perfect so when it happened, it wasn’t a mess of jumbled up thoughts.”
Buck took a shaky breath in through his mouth, and his lips were just far enough apart to drive Eddie mad with want. “You did say it right. You said it all right.” He sounded like he was about to start crying, and then a tear slid down his cheek. Eddie’s fingers tightened around Buck’s waist and let his eyes land on Buck’s irises. It was a shame this was happening before he could see the blue in his eyes light up with the reflection of water, but that was ok. All Eddie really wanted was him.
“Oh, well, can we think of that then? Not this?” Eddie dipped his head down to laugh, but Buck’s hand came up to his chin to push their eyes back together.
“I happen to like this actually.” And before Eddie could ask why , Buck dropped his mouth open again and rushed forward. His lips caught Eddie’s gasp, and then the other when he shoved his hands into Eddie’s hair. It took Eddie a moment to realize that this was real, that they were kissing , but then he tugged on Buck’s waist and moaned at the flurries in his stomach. No words could ever describe what it felt like, what it was to kiss someone after years of wondering what the feeling in your stomach was. Being in love and not knowing was a lot like being underwater, being in a glass bubble and seeing schools of fish pass over your head. Your brain not truly realizing how it was happening, how there aren't gallons of water dropping from the ceiling onto your body. The only thing it did know was how beautiful it was.
For the first time in a long time, Eddie closed his eyes and felt . He felt Buck’s fingertips running through the strands of his hair, he felt their tongues slide together, once, then twice. He felt Buck’s teeth on his bottom lip, and he felt the belt threaded through Buck’s jeans. All he really knew at that moment was desire, and forever, and suddenly those two words made so much sense. Why he’d chosen them for what he felt at the aquarium.
When Buck pulled away, he dropped their foreheads together and whispered, “I love you too.”
Eddie’s mouth was slack, huffing with the lack of oxygen and the intoxication of Evan Buckley’s mouth. “I never-”
“Yes, you did.” Buck interrupted, his hand dropping to Eddie’s back pocket, flicking his fingers against his phone. “You did.”
Then he pulled him back, and they kissed on the front lawn of their house, and they didn’t think about anyone watching. They didn’t realize that their nextdoor neighbor, Jim, was watching through his window, smirking brightly. They didn’t see Chris peeking through the peephole in the front door, texting the group chat updates. They just stood there, none the wiser, and kissed to make up for everything they ever regretted. Anything they ever didn’t say.
When they got married months later, Buck read off the list of groceries from that day, then gasped and pulled another piece of paper out of his pocket, turning to the audience with a laugh. Then he started again, reading off the new paper.
“Sorry, wrong note .”
And over time our story’s told, but we’ll stay young between the ink and pen as they read it.
Dear Buck,
You can’t see your reflection in boiling water. Abuela used to tell me that when I was young and angry and about to make a big mistake. She’d tell me to calm down and breathe before saying anything, because it’s hard to see the truth in a stage of anger. When the water calms, and the clarity comes, then you can speak.
I think I’m realizing that the same is true for my life. I’ve been living in boiling water all these years, and it was only when the water began to calm that I realized I hadn’t felt like myself in so long. Isn’t that strange? Turning into a different person without knowing it?
Sticking with the boiling water metaphor, you would think I would realize that I couldn’t see clearly when it began to burn me. But somewhere along the way, I began to think that it was just always supposed to hurt. Or that I deserved to be burned. The only thing that fixed it was you.
You came up to my metaphoric stove and you turned off the burner. You took the things I hated about myself and began to slowly alter my truth to the truth. You helped me see clearly in the water, and I haven’t always treated you like it. I’ve never said sorry.
There are a lot of things I haven’t said to you, and a lot of things I never should have. I shouldn’t have told you that you were selfish, because to be honest, you are the most selfless person ever. Too selfless sometimes.
I just said that because… because boiling water. Because you were paying attention to everything except me . I was being selfish. I wanted you to mourn with me, to perform all those trials and tribulations for me so I could rewrite the ending. Then Bobby came back, and we never really spoke about it again.
Buck, I’m sorry . I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for how you were treated growing up. I’m sorry that I can’t put you back together even though I want to. And, god , I want to. I want to take all of the broken pieces of your past and stitch them back together. I never said I’m sorry, and I don’t think I say thank you enough.
One day I may leave this world without ever saying goodbye to you, especially in our line of work, but I promise you this: from now on, I will never forget to say thank you. To say thank you for giving me one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve ever known.
Desire and forever. Those are the two words I feel when I look at you, but I think they were really supposed to be a sentence all along. I desire forever with you. Going to aquariums, watching as Chris feeds otters, and points out three fish in a group and says “it’s us!”
I want you and you and you . A long time ago you said “it’s like the universe is screaming at you” and I said “the universe doesn’t scream.” But Buck… I think I hear it.
I think I hear you, and all I want is to follow the voice through the rest of our lives. Let it lead me out of bed in the morning, and into bed in the night. Chase it through the darkness and rely on it in the light.
The water casts funny shadows on people when the sun hits it, but with you, I think I just saw something I’ll want for the rest of my life.
~ Eddie.
i think i want that too… - buck.