Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. PTSD (riding shotgun) ✅
2. sexual assault ✅
3. childhood cancer ✅
4. chronic pain
5. PTSD (fireworks)
6. child abuse
7. grief
8. suicide attempt
9. eating disorder
10. bullying

This list may change with more added or some ideas skipped.

Comment any extra prompts or let me know which ones to write first!

Chapter Text

"uRgHhh" Jay groaned, rounding his truck to look at the damage from using it as a barricade to block a fleeing suspect "shit"

Hailey left Adam cuffing the offender and took Jay's side, cringing at the damage "She took quite a beating.. I'm sure they'll be able to fix it though, it'll just take a couple of days"

Jay pinched his brow "Yeah- yeah" He let out an annoyed huff "I'll call and see when a service can be fitted in"

Hailey gently squeezed his arm as she left him surveying the damage to his beloved truck.

---

The next morning as they walked towards the parking lot Jay gently touched Hailey's arm. She turned to him raising an eyebrow and his ears were a slight red colour "What?"

"Can-" He cleared his throat "Can I drive?"

Hailey laughed softly "I appreciate you asking nicely but if I'm not allowed the drive the truck you can't drive my jeep" Jay smiled softly, it not quite reaching his eyes.. god he loves that truck

---

Jay was tense the entire journey, his hand gripping the door so tight his knuckles were white with strain. His eyes flicked side to side at the road and he flinched any time Hailey changed road position "God Jay I'm not that bad at driving"

Jay winced "Sorry- Just.. not used to being a passenger"

"Control freak" Hailey huffed under her breath, pulling a tight (yet real) laugh from Jay

---

Jay now only had 3 days until his truck was back. He was still just as tense when Hailey was driving, he had even gone with Atwater to interview a witness and according to Kevin he looked like he wanted to puke the whole time.

Hailey didn't know wether to be offended, amused or concerned (right now she was a mix of all 3).

Adam, Jay and Herself were sent to do surveillance. Adam jumped in the driver's seat and Hailey climbed into the back. Jay's soft frown didn't go unnoticed as he climbed into the passenger side, buckling himself in quickly.

Hailey watched Jay during the journey to their location. How his frame became tense and his breathing halted when the car slowed, how his eyes locked on random items next to the road. Slight flinches when the van went over a piece of trash.

---

After surveillance Adam took the passenger seat, Jay stayed in the back while Hailey took the drivers seat, subtly watching him in the mirror. He was far more calm, deliberately distracting himself from looking at the road as she drove and closing his eyes when he caught himself wandering back into hyper vigilance.

Hailey frowned slightly, why was Jay acting so weird about not driving.

---

Jay opened his door to Hailey standing with a 6 pack of beers "Thought you might want to do our thing after a long boring day"

Jay chuckled and invited her in. They settled on the couch and Jay reached for a beer.

"What's up with you?"

Jay raised an eyebrow "Care to elaborate"

Hailey sighed "You trying not to hyperventilate about having to let someone else drive"

Jay hummer thoughtfully as he took another sip "Um.. it's not to do with the driving" He said quietly "I- When I was overseas I rode shotgun because I was the ranking officer but.. it also means you have to um- bomb spot" He shrugged slightly "It puts me back in that mindset, I cant really turn it off"

Hailey glanced down at her drink, chest slightly tight. Jay never talked about the army so hearing him open up like this led to complex emotions. "Do you just never ride passenger seat then?"

"As much as possible.. I'm better in the back or driving." He took another gulp "Erin never let me drive"

"Did she know?" She asked lightly. Everytime Jay mentioned Erin it left Hailey hurt, somehow his old partner that he was willing to do anything for always seemed to left him down when he needed her most.

Jay bit his lip "I told her.. she just- she said I needed to get over it" He shrugged "I guess she was kind of right" He said with a dry chuckle "I've been stateside for over 5 years and I still can't sit in the front of a car"

"That's not fair to yourself Jay, and you know it's not that simple"

Jay took a swig of his beer "It's fine. I deal with it, just know it's nothing against you"

---

Hailey wordlessly tossed Jay the keys to her jeep as they went to roll out the next day. He smiled softly before settling into the drivers seat.

Yes he could deal with it, but he didn't have to. Not with her around.

***

{{please leave a comment if there is anything wrong with my writing style or even just letting me know you like it!! xx}}

Chapter Text

Finally the team had managed to drag Jay out with them. They where currently at a club where loud music was blaring and most people where crowded on the dance floor. Jay was sat in the booth with Kevin laughing quietly as Ruzek tried to dance with Kim.

A gentle tap on the table "You guys want to dance" A fake blonde with a lopsided grin asked, gesturing to 5 other women watching from the bar.

Jay glanced at Kevin who had his eyes locked on the gorgeous latina in the group. That doesn't bode well "Yeah, we're free right now" Kevin responded (more like Kevin's dick responded) and Jay scowled at him.

The girl reached across the boot the wrap herself around Jay's arm but he quickly stood and began making his own way to the dance floor. The ladies trailing behind and Kevin striking up a conversation with the woman who caught his eye

Jay swayed awkwardly to the music and one of the girls offered a sickly sweet smile before disappearing. "Loosen up pretty boy" The fake blonde giggled as she placed an hand on Jay's bicep, his entire frame stiffened to a board but no one noticed. Kevin was too preoccupied to notice how uncomfortable his friend was.

The other woman returned with a few drinks, forcing one into Jay's hand "It will help you relax, you look like you're about to bolt"

He was indeed trying to plan how to get away but now surrounded but 5 women silently willing him to drink he downed the drink in one. He forced a small smile when Kevin glanced over.

The blonde began to grind against him and he quickly turned away, trying to calm his racing heart. It was a club, people just dance like that, he reminded himself.

---

Jay flopped back into the booth next to Vanessa who was glaring at where Kevin was still dancing with the woman. "You two having fun there"

Jay shrugged as he gripped the side of the table to keep himself upright, he hadn't felt this drunk in a long time.. probably since he first got back from Afghanistan. "Wh'rs H-ails" He slurred and Vanessa raised an eyebrow.

"Bathroom.. you probably should go freshen up, how much have you had to drink you look like death warmed up"

Jay huffed as he forced himself to his feet, stumbling slightly. He didn't want the others to see him this drunk and Hailey was meant to be his (and Vanessa's) ride home, with any luck she'd be okay to go early.

---

He rounded the corner only to feel an arm grab him shoulder, dragging him into one of the private rooms. The fake blonde was grinning wildly and the brunette that got him the drink was sitting on the sofa. "Hey pretty boy"

Her hands trailed down his chest along him abs where she paused, her grin widening. Jay reached to grab her wrist sluggishly but she moved her hand before he could trap it. "That's not nice, Mommy never taught you not to grab?" The other woman said, rising from the sofa.

"St'p" Jay mumbled. Their hands pushed him onto the sofa and his heart began to race as he tried to get his legs back under him. A hand cupped his crotch and he squirmed violently "S-STOP IT"

He flailed his limbs trying to regain control but the alcohol (was it just alcohol??) made it near impossible as the room spun and he saw double. One girl straddled him, her mouth catching his voice. He bucked his hips to try and forcibly remove her but she moaned at the pressure.

---

Jays breathing was erratic. Short gasps, desperate for air. The familiar wandering hands, slipping under his shirt and trailing his body. Sucking unwanted hickeys across him. A tear slipped out the corner of his eyes "Jasmine stop" He whispered "Ple'se" His eyes glassy and distant. The girls giggled, one reached for his belt. His pants yanked down with animalistic desperation and a hand slipping into his boxers.

Suddenly the door flew open "THIS IS A PRIVATE ROOM" The girls laughed maniacally, dismounting Jay and bolting past the bouncer. Jay breathed heavily, tears streamed down his face "Buddy you gotta go" The bouncer frustrated voice made Jay flinch

The bouncer finally took in the sight before him. The man too drunk to even sit up, his shirt off and pants halfway down. Hickeys and bite marks down his chest and pressed into his neck. Tears rolling frantically down his face as he begged an invisible force to stop.

---

Tom had seen a lot in his time as a bouncer, he had helped a lot of women into taxis to make sure they got home safe. Stopped a lot of 'adult' activities from occurring in the private party rooms. Today was any normal night, until he noticed a movement alert in an empty private room. He was fed up, telling the group that had snuck in for a quickie to vacate until he realised the guy was too drunk to move, he was crying and desperately trying to squirm away from hands that no longer existed.

"Hey buddy" He slowly crept closer "They're gone now, it's fine" He said gently. The man's eyes where glossy and terrified, he was begging a someone- 'Jasmine' to get off, that must be one of the girls. "Are you here with anyone?"

No response, Tom sighed, he reached for his walkie talkie "Hey I got a guy that's too out of it to get himself out of here, can someone take my post while I get him out" Quickly a replacement was confirmed.

"I'm going to pull your pants back up okay?" Tom announced. The glossy eyes ignored him approaching. He reached slowly to his trousers and a fist nearly collided with his face, Tom ducked and met the wide eyes now trained on him "I just want to do them up, okay?"

Finally he managed to get the pants back around the man's waist and do them up, he didn't bother with the belt, the man was already in enough distress just from what he'd done already. He placed the shirt on the man's chest and he began pulling it on sloppily.

Technically he was only required to throw wasted people out, but Tom always ensured they at least got in a taxi safe. (Well in all honesty usually he just helped the women and threw out the men but that was because they tended to be drunk assholes).

He slipped an arm around the man's waist to hoist him up, the violent flinch nearly made him drop the man. He readjusted his grip, it wasn't ideal but he had to trap the man's arms to keep himself safe as he brought him out the back door. The man squirmed and begged to be let go the whole way.

He sat him on the curb as he called for a taxi "Hey buddy where do you live?" Blank stare "What's your name?" Nothing. Tom sighed, reaching slowly for the man's pocket- no response besides from a small whimper as the hand pulled his phone out. "What's your password" Nothing

Tom sighed and rubbed his forehead "'is she gon'" A hoarse voice whispered. Tom looked to where the man was now curled in on himself

"Yeah.. yeah they're gone. Listen you need to get home, do you have a way to get home?" The man nodded reached for his phone and freezing when it wasn't there "I've got it" Tom held it out.

The man forced himself to his feet and took the phone. "Th'nks" He stood typing on his phone for a second before he turned and stumbled away

"Wait! Are you not- getting a taxi?" Tom asked

The man shrugged "I live a f'w bloc's 'way, 't's fine" With that he turned and began making his way down the street.

---

Hailey's phone chimed with a message from Jay, it was 2am and Vanessa had seen him go to the bathroom at 1am 'Gt a taxi home' She halted her search of the club for her partner with a sigh of relief, Jay had just bailed on the party.

'Jesus you scared the fuck out of me Jay, where did you go?'

no response

'Are you home now?'
'When did you leave?'
'Sleep tight, please let me know you're okay in the morning?'
Delivered - 2:23AM

---

Hailey checked her phone first thing in the morning, no response from Jay. Vanessa said he had been really drunk so he's probably just hungover. Jay never got drunk though, she knew how careful he was with alcohol nowdays, after what he went through when he got back from his last tour. She clicked call and got sent straight to voicemail, his phone must be turned off or dead.

She dropped by his apartment on the way to work, his trunk was still outside so he must be home. She knocked but ended up using her emergency key when there was no answer "Jay?" The apartment was spotless and his bed not slept in. She reached for her phone and hit call "Voight? We have a problem- Jay's missing"

---

The team arrived quickly and began creating a timeline. Hailey and Vanessa went back to the club.

"We need access to last nights tapes, we have a missing person and this was the last place he was seen" The manager took them to the back room and began getting the footage. "Can I talk to someone who was working last night?"

"Hey Weller, did you work last night?" He asked one of the staff members restocking the bar.

"I swapped in for Tom so he could deal with a drunk" He answered. Hailey showed him a photo of Jay "Sorry didn't see that dude once"

The manager frowned "I'll call Tom and have him come down"

---

A bulky man walked in 30 minutes later. "What's this about?"

"Police want to talk to you, missing person last seen at the club" The manager said

Tom nodded and the blonde cop showed him a photo. The green eyes where less dull and no tear tracks ran down his face but it was unmistakably the man from last night "Yeah- I.. He was drunk out of his mind, couldn't even stand up. I took him outside, said he lived close and was going to walk home"

"And you just let him go!?" Hailey yelled

The manager quickly stepped in to defend his employee "Legally we are allowed to kick guests causing a disturbance to the curb"

Tom held out a hand to stop his boss "He- he was in a bad way so I tried to call him a taxi. I was going to make sure he got in it but he refused. I took no pride in letting that man walk away in the state he was in."

"What do you mean a bad way? What state?" Vanessa questioned "How drunk was he?"

Tom frowned "he uh.. I found him in a private room with a couple of women, he didn't seem like an active participant in the whole thing.. he was out of it, had to basically drag him outside"

Hailey froze.. did Jay get- raped? She felt tears swarm her eyes as she excused herself to the bathroom to empty her stomach. "Is she okay?" The manager asked

Vanessa sighed "Uh yeah.. It's fine- thank you for your help. Do you remember which way he went?"

"Up Grande Ave towards Wells street"

---

Jay woke sharply as a dog barked. Morning walkers had began moving into the park and he couldn't stay on a bench all day. He forced himself to his feet, reaching for his phone only to find it dead. He sighed, briefly considering walking all the way home before deciding it would just be easier to go to friends.

He trudged the last bit of the way to the nearest friend's apartment. He wasn't entirely sure if 51 was on shift today but hopefully someone was home. He banged on the door and his heart jumped when it creaked open "Jay?-"

"H-hey Severide" Jay gave a fake, weary smile

"Jesus christ, are you okay!?" Severide herded Jay into the apartment "What's happening?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." Jay snapped before taking a breath to calm down "Sorry.. I am fine Kelly. Nothing is happening, I got too drunk at a club and was too embarrassed to let the others see me and get a lift home"

"It's 7am"

Jay laughed dryly "Sounds about right" He rubbed his forehead "Phones dead, can't call anyone.. Can you let Hailey know I'm here?"

Severide nodded and stepped into his bedroom to retrieve his phone and make the call.

---

"Severide? What's going on.. we're kind of in the middle of something-"

"Jay's here."

Hailey's heart dropped to her feet. "What- Is.. is he okay?"

"He's okay, hungover and pissy. Cold probably, but he's okay" Severide glanced to where Jay had now pulled a blanket up to his shoulders "He got here this morning, probably slept on the street all night. I'll give him some food and drink but he won't be into work today. Even if Voight gets pissed blame me, say I won't let him leave"

"No- I agree keep him there, thank you Kelly." She sighed "How does he seem emotionally?"

"Has something happened? He mentioned getting really drunk, did you guys have a bad case or something-"

Hailey didn't respond for a moment, considering her options "He- something happened in the club, I don't know what yet.. I don't know how bad it was" She bit her lip "The bouncer said he found him and 2 women in a back room and he- he was too out of it to be.. into it"

Kelly's breath caught in his throat. He glanced into the other room where Jay was covered in a blanket falling asleep. Surely Jay couldn't have been violated like that, Jay was a badass ex-ranger turned cop, that kind of thing couldn't happen to him "I- I'll keep an eye on him"

---

"Jaz please" Jay's voice begged as he squirmed away from invisible hands, the blanket that had at first brought warm and comfort now tangling him in the nightmare "I don't- please I don't want to" He cried

"Jay" Kelly tried desperately to wake his friend. "Jay you're safe, you're with me"

---

Phoebe Golde and Layla Orchra where brought in and after a lengthy interrogation admitted to drugging and sexually assaulting Jay. Hailey emptied her stomach in the bathroom before calling Severide "Hey uh- we got the girls to admit to it.. can- is he okay with me visiting"

Kelly glanced down the hall to where the sound of the minimal food Jay had eaten was being emptied into the toilet and sighed "He's struggling but I think he'd be okay with seeing you, I need to go on shift tomorrow morning so I can't have him stay much longer.."

"Okay, I'll come after I've grabbed some overnight stuff and take him back to his apartment. Thanks so much for this Severide"

"Of course."

---

Jay barely spoke a word to Hailey, he didn't even make eye contact or acknowledge her existence until she got him in his apartment "I'm fine." He grumbled, collapsing onto his couch "You can go home, you don't need to babysit me"

"Jay.."

"It's fine." Jay sharply cut her off "They didn't even- it never got that far, okay."

She frowned "I- I'll sleep on the couch, you should get some real sleep Jay.."

---

Jay cried out, when Hailey made it to his bedside she found him drenched in sweat and fighting an invisible assailant. She gently tossed a pillow to wake him up, making him jolt upright.

He rushed to the bathroom and she heard the sound of his stomach contents slopping into the toilet.

They sat in silence on the bed and Jay eventually pulled off his drenched shirt, exposing the bites and hickeys across his body. He noticed Hailey looking and huffed "It's fine, I'm fine."

"Who's Jasmine."

Jay's blood went cold. He fought bile "One of the girls from the club" He lied

Hailey shook her head "Neither of them was called Jasmine, and I can tell you're lying so don't pretend they gave you a fake name."

Jay sucked in air, lying backwards on the bed "Jasmine was my ex-girlfriend.." His ears tinged red with embarrassment "When I got home from my tour I was.. broken I guess. I didn't think a little more broken would matter so I stayed with her- longer than I'm willing to admit" He pinched his brow "usually the past is the past, but after.. that- it just, brought it all back. Even if those women didn't get a chance to reach the level Jasmine did.."

Hailey fought tears "You never deserved that Jay, you where vulnerable and she took advantage of you"

"I let her" Jay whispered "I could've left"

Hailey shook her head "It's not your fault." Her hand found his and it made her heart flutter when he didn't flinch away. She squeezed his hand softly and received a small squeeze back. Jay was such a kind soul, he never deserved any of the shit he's been through. She'd give anything to make it all better.

Chapter Text

He doesn't know what overcame him to agree to host a barbecue at their house. He leaned on the bannister of the back porch, looking over the yard. He ran his hands through his hair to find it slightly longer than he liked it, god he needed a haircut.

A soft hand reached his lower back and he spun to face his wife. Hailey was absolutely glowing, her blonde locks fell perfectly and her eyes gleamed their perfect blue in the summer sun.

"Can you think a little quieter, you're ruining my 'all positive' vibe" Hailey teased, her hands absentmindedly tracing the freckles on his arm

Jay scoffed "As if it wasn't me that had to convince you to not cancel 30 minutes before we told everyone to arrive"

Hailey pouted "Hey! You're not the one that had to deal with morning sickness all night. Why do they even bother calling it morning sickness if it can come at any time of day!"

Jay's hands fell to the baby bump with a small smile as he felt movement rippling under the skin "You're right, I'm sorry" He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"YO HALSTEAD" Adam's voice boomed from the living room (where the team had relocated to after sufficiently stuffing their faces with Jay's barbecuing)

Jay rolled his eyes. Taking Hailey's hand and leading her inside. "What Ruz?" His step faltering when he spotted his brother grinning like a madman at the book in Ruzek's hands "Will!"

Will held up his hands "Sorry, they convinced me it would be fun to look at" He plopped next to Adam on the couch who had the photo album resting on his legs "Look at it with us!"

Jay helped Hailey into the comfy armchair before squeezing on the other side of Ruzek. Kim and Kevin sat on the floor, peering at the book.

---

Adam wiped tears of laughter from his eyes as Jay huffed in annoyance "Will said everyone was going to do it!"

Hailey giggled from the side, she'd seen the book enough to know exactly what they where looking at "Jay did you really believe all the boys where wearing fairy princess dresses for Halloween"

Jay groaned "Okay that's enough" He stood up, going towards the kitchen to get a drink.

"Oh-" He heard a small noise of confusion from behind. He turned slightly to see the unit frowning at the book (Will was too distracted by his phone to notice the laughter halting).

"Jay did you shave your head when your mom was diagnosed?" Kim's voice asked gently, the unit knew Jay's mom was a sensitive topic on a good day.

Jay froze, water overflowing his glass. Will finally looked up, glancing between the book and Jay with wide eyes "Uh- no.. no I didn't. That was about 10 years before my mom was diagnosed"

Hailey pushed herself to her feet. Gently guiding the glass from Jay's hand as she led him back into the living room. He sank back into his seat staring at the photo in the book.

5 year old him grinning at himself in the mirror, a hand on his freshly buzzed head. His dad in the back holding the camera with tears in his eyes. Hailey's hand squeezed his shoulder in support "I uh- I had just been diagnosed with leukaemia so I wanted to shave my head before- well, yeah.."

The room fell silent. The team stared blankly at the photo, Jay had cancer as a kid? How come they never knew.

"I uh.. I need a minute" Jay mumbled, stumbling out the room, Hailey trailing after him. Leaving behind a very confused intelligence unit and an incredibly awkward Will Halstead.

---

Will turned the page of the book to see an equally as smiley Jay sitting on a hospital bed with less hair and more exhausted eyes.

"He never really talks about it now.. leaves the past in the past." Will said quietly and the team turned to look at him "God he was the happiest kid, never even let it get him down. 6 months later he had finished chemo and had clean scans, absolutely floored his doctors with how well he had taken the whole thing..."

A small sniffle escaped Kim as she wiped her eyes. Kevin twiddling his thumbs as he listened intently. Adam zoned out, staring at the photo of young Jay.

"It's from a mutated gene.. BRCA1 to be specific- that's what caused it- he got it from Mom" Will took a deep breath and closed his eyes "If we had known back then it was from the gene maybe Mom's cancer would've been caught earlier"

A few tears leaked from Will's eyes which he angrily blinked away. He had come to terms with his grief and anger over his family's unluckiness a long time ago. "Does anyone else.. have it?"

Will shook his head "Genetic testing shows me and Dad didn't have it. Only Jay and Mom, he has to get tests a lot, he hates it. Check for any other cancers or potentially his cancer relapsing" He closed the book "He's been in remission over 20 years now. No signs"

Kevin nodded slowly, still processing it all. Kim fought tears and Adam had now zoned out staring at the wall.

---

Jay's knuckles where white as he clung to the back of the chair breathing heavily. "Jay baby? Calm down okay, it's fine. It's been a long time"

Jay shook his head unable to get any words out as he hyperventilated "W-w-" He tried and failed to slow his breathing

Hailey rubbed gentle circles in his back "It's okay. Follow my breathing, you're fine. Will is probably explaining everything to them now any way so they shouldn't even ask questions"

Jay gulped, finally getting his breathing to a more reasonable level "Hailey-" Tear's trailed down his face "What if I passed it on"

"Passed what on?"

Jay's hand squeezed Hailey's tightly "The gene.. Mom gave it to me, what if I gave it to the baby" His eyes where wide and full of fear "I can't- I can't make our child go through that Hailey. I can't be the reason they die"

Hailey pulled him into a tight hug "Baby, there's no guarantee. Even if you did, it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself" Her chest was tight, she knew there was nothing she could say to make it better "If worse comes to worse, we'll get through it. Together. As a family" Jay nodded slowly into her shoulder

---

Will glanced to where Jay had ran off to. He had answered as many questions as he felt comfortable with to make it easier for Jay but now they where all just waiting.

The door creaked open and Hailey entered with bloodshot eyes but a small nod letting them know it was all okay. Jay's footsteps echoed behind her as he emerged, puffy eyes and an embarrassed expression. "Sorry" He mumbled "I'm guessing you told them some stuff for me?" He asked Will who nodded

"We had- no idea" Kevin said quietly

Jay shrugged "It was so long ago, I have no need to broadcast it."

Adam finally zoned back in "Why are you so much more badass than any of us"

Hailey snorted out a laugh and Kim slapped him on the shoulder. Jay chuckled slightly, they'd be okay. As a family (a really big, strange family)

Chapter Text

PART I - THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE FOUND OUT

Jay Halstead had spent most of his adult life convincing people that he was fine.

The Army. Rehab. The Academy. Each stage had been another proving ground. And every time someone doubted him, every time a doctor or instructor or buddy muttered that maybe he wouldn’t bounce back, he’d forced himself to grit his teeth and push harder.

But Intelligence was different. The stakes were higher. There was no room for faltering.

Voight knew about it all. He had told Jay he knew. Explained to him that the costs of days where the pain was too bad to work were far outweighed by the benefits of the days where Jay could be in the field. Sniping, chasing down suspects, clearing buildings with military precision. Because while Jay's bad days were terrible, his good days were outstanding. Making him an asset. His skills were unmatched, and when Voight needed reliable and Jay was up for it, Halstead was the go-to guy. It was safer to send in the ex-ranger with half a decade of black-ops experience than any of his other detectives.

Only issue is Jay didn't want to be doubted in the field, so he wanted it to be kept private. It wasn’t obvious at first. A surveillance shift here, a desk assignment there. But after a few months, patterns were impossible to ignore. Erin noticed before anyone else—of course she did. She was his partner.

---

“What is this, Jay?” she demanded one afternoon after Voight reassigned to paperwork after a particularly brutal takedown earlier in the day that had caused a flare. “You’re the golden boy, and suddenly you’re behind a desk? Did I miss something?”

Jay kept his head down, eyes glued to the file in front of him. His back ached from the morning’s briefing, hours spent in a chair with no reprieve. The scar tissue pulled like barbed wire with every movement.

“Guess Voight wants me here” he muttered "Took a pretty hard hit on the floor, he's probably just worried"

Erin scoffed. “Yeah, because he’s just so fond of you. Come on, Jay. What’s going on? Why does he keep sidelining you?”

“I'm not sure Erin. Ask him.” Jay tried to keep his voice light, but the tension bleeding into it was obvious.

She stared at him for a long moment, suspicion narrowing her eyes. “You’re hiding something.”

He didn’t answer. Couldn’t.

---

It came to a head weeks later.

They were at his apartment, case files scattered across the coffee table. Erin moved through his kitchen like she owned the place, bare feet silent against the floorboards, hair falling loose around her face. It should’ve been easy, comfortable. Their partnership had developed despite Erin's distrust and was beginning to evolve into something that could turn more intimate. But Jay’s body was screaming.

The day’s surveillance had left him raw. Sitting for hours always triggered the nerve damage, leaving his spine thrumming with fire. By the time they got home, he could barely mask the limp.

He disappeared into his bedroom to change, tugging his shirt off slowly. He didn’t notice Erin until her gasp cut through the silence.

“Jay…”

He froze, shirt half-off, scars bared in the soft lamplight. Dozens of them crisscrossed his back—jagged reminders of shrapnel and scalpels, of surgeries that had tried and failed to make him whole again. A patchwork of surgeries and pain etched permanently into his body, part of his skin.

“Jesus,” she whispered. “What the hell happened to you?”

Jay pulled the shirt the rest of the way off, shoulders stiff. She was bound to see eventually with the way things were going. Maybe this was his chance to make her understand why Voight benched him, to get her to accept it as a necessary precaution to prevent any issues that could arise on a bad pain day.

“Afghanistan... I uh- The humvee hit an IED, only two of us made it out” he said quietly. His voice felt distant, foreign in his own mouth. “It didn’t just… knock me around. It tore me apart. Took them months to put me back together. I had to relearn how to walk. I still…” He hesitated, shame tightening his throat. “I still deal with it. Every day.”

He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. His chest was tight, words scraping against the raw edges of pride. “Some days are fine. Some days… not so much. That's why Voight pulls me, when the pain is too bad he pulls me so I don't hurt myself further or get anyone else hurt. Most of the time I can push through though, it's not an issue 99% of the time”

It was more vulnerability than he’d shown anyone since leaving the Army.

Erin stepped closer, her expression unreadable. For a moment, Jay thought she’d reach for him, tell him she understood.

Instead, she folded her arms with a frown. “You’re still in pain? Like—chronic pain?”

Jay flinched at the edge in her tone. “It doesn’t stop me from doing the job. I've got medical records, instructors and doctors notes to prove it and Voight signed off"

“Doesn’t stop you from doing the job?” Her words were sharp, cutting. “Jay, this unit depends on split-second reactions. On people being able to run, fight, shoot without hesitation. If you’re hurting all the time, if there’s even a chance you freeze up—how is that not a liability?”

He stared at her, stunned. “A liability?”

“I’m not trying to be cruel,” Erin said, though her voice carried no softness. “But think about it. What if we’re in a chase and your legs give out? What if you’re covering me and your back seizes before you pull the trigger? What if the pain is sop bad you can't think straight! That’s not just about you. That’s my life on the line. That’s everyone’s life.”

Jay felt something hollow out inside him.

“I was cleared for field work,” he said, his voice rough. “I passed every test. You know I can do this. You've seen that I can do this"

“On paper, maybe,” Erin shot back. “But the reality is different, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be hiding this if you didn’t know it puts us all at risk.”

His chest ached. He wanted to argue, wanted to tell her about the hours he’d spent forcing his body past breaking and it still holding out despite the past, about every fight and chase he’d already proven himself in. But the words wouldn’t come.

She softened slightly then, but it only made the words sting worse. “You’re good, Jay. You’re smart, you’re tactical. You’d be incredible in the Ivory Tower. Teaching, planning ops, running strategy. You wouldn’t have to kill yourself trying to do something you simply can't do”

Jay turned away, unable to meet her eyes. Unable to explain that everything she said had already been risk analysed, his body had been carefully tested by leading experts to learn it's limits. To ensure nothing like that would happen as long as he listened to the pain if it got out of hand.

She thought she was right. He could tell by her tone, by the earnestness in her gaze. But all he heard was confirmation of what he feared most: that he didn’t belong here. That he was one flare-up away from letting someone die. That maybe he was already failing.

That night Jay lay awake staring at the ceiling. Every scar on his back felt heavier, every nerve alight with phantom pain.

Erin’s voice echoed in his skull.

A liability.
What if you freeze?
This job isn’t for you.

He turned his face into the pillow, and for the first time since rehab, he wondered if she was right.

---

PART II – DROWNING IN SILENCE

The years that followed carved those words into his bones.

Erin left. Their partnership dissolved along with their haphazard relationship. And though the wound healed over, her voice lingered, sharper than any scar.

Jay became a master of hiding. His limp became a “pulled muscle.” His stiffness after long surveillance became “just sore from the gym.” He gritted through every flare-up with clenched teeth and a steady smile.

Voight remained silent as well, he put Jay first through the door on good days and somewhere safe on bad days. And unlike Erin, Voight never judged.

When Jay walked into the bullpen pale and rigid, Voight quietly reassigned him to surveillance. When Jay winced tying his boots, Voight shoved him onto paperwork. No explanations, no questions. Just quiet protection.

---

At night, Jay would peel off his shirt and catch sight of the scars in the mirror. He’d trace them with his fingers, each one a reminder of pain that never left. He’d hear Erin’s voice again, telling him he was a risk, telling him he’d be better behind a desk.

Some nights, he believed her.

But then the call would come. A case, a raid, a victim to save. And Jay would push the pain down and prove himself all over again. Prove it when the team called it unfair to try and out shine an ex-ranger. Called him an 'action hero'. He might not agree but it kept him from quitting knowing the team thought highly of him despite the 'random' benching.

Quitting wasn’t an option.

Not for him. Not after all he did to fight his way back.

---

PART III – THE NEW PARTNER

By the time Hailey Upton joined Intelligence, Jay had perfected the art of pretending. To most of the team, he was steady, reliable, unshakable. The calm center in chaos.

But Hailey noticed things.

The slight hitch in his gait after long days. The way his hand hovered near his lower back when he thought no one was watching. The extra minutes he spent in the locker room.

She didn’t push. Not at first. But the pieces added up.

One night after a chase, she caught him leaning against the side of the building, breathing tight, sweat beading at his hairline.

“You good?” she asked softly.

“Fine” Jay lied, straightening immediately. “Just winded.”

She didn’t call him on it, didn't want to destroy her partnership before they'd even got to know each other. But the look in her eyes said she didn’t believe him.

---

PART IV – ADMISSION

The case was brutal. Days of surveillance, a raid gone sideways, suspects scattering like rats.

Jay pushed through it, pain gnawing at his spine until it was unbearable. He knew he should've gone to Voight earlier but he was desperate, these guys were trafficking kids and he wasn't quitting until they were caught. He masked it, despite knowing better—until his body betrayed him.

In the middle of a warehouse sweep, his leg buckled. He stumbled hard against a crate, biting back a gasp as fire shot through his nerves.

“Jay!” Hailey was at his side instantly.

“I’m fine,” he ground out, panic spiking. Erin’s words thundered in his head. Liability. Risk. Not good enough.

But Hailey didn’t let go. She steadied him, eyes sharp but steady. “You’re not fine. Talk to me.”

Jay bit his lip, shaking his head sharply in a 'not here' way.

Hailey radioed to Voight that Jay had hurt his ankle (Jay knew Voight would see through that lie and was going to get an earful later- He deserved it though for putting the others at risk. For putting his partner at risk.) The pair went back to the district and settled into their desks.

Something cracked. Years of silence, of shame, of hiding—it all spilled out.

“It’s nerve damage,” He admitted, voice low and ragged. “From an IED overseas. Permanent. Some days I can handle it, some days I can’t. The team—” He swallowed hard. “The team doesn't know... Well Voight does but he needs to. And Erin… she knew, but she told me I was a liability. That I should take a desk. So I stopped letting anyone see.”

He waited for Hailey to pull away, to echo the same words.

But she didn’t.

Instead, her grip tightened. Her eyes softened, but not with pity—with conviction.

“She was wrong Jay” she said firmly. “You know everyone in other units talk about the legend of the Intelligence detective that was a ranger. You aren't a liability, you're a strength. And I've seen that time and time again since I've joined this unit.”

His chest ached. “I don’t want anyone to think less of me.”

“I don’t,” Hailey said. “I think more of you. When I see you talk to Voight after a tough call and take the desk, knowing how to manage it. Just as much as I think more of you when you barrel roll out a two story window” She laughed lightly "But maybe don't do that too much, it gave me a heart attack the first time."

The words undid him. "So you still- trust me?"

Hailey smiled "I've always trusted you Jay. And I trust you a hell of a lot more now, because I know you've trusted me with this. If you make sure you don't push yourself too far. We all do it, just your situation is a little different." Her head turned as the door to intelligence opened "If you don't push yourself, you come to me... or Voight- Then I'll never think less of you"

Jay's heart swelled. In that moment he promised himself to never hide a bad pain day from Hailey. He understood her ask, him ignoring pain could lead to problems in the field, and she could get hurt. And he really didn't want Hailey to ever get hurt.