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She was 4, and they were in their newly bought house.
Her mother was holding her hand, and they were dancing on that bench in their living room.
She remembers her mother spinning her around; she was laughing, happy, not a care in the world.
She remembers her mother laughing as well. She looked at her, and she remembered all the love in her mother’s eyes.
She looked so young, healthy, and bright. Unlike the last time she saw her.
She loved her so much. And she loves her mother equally as much, if not more.
That bench beneath her feet was a deep brown that reminded her of dark chocolate, like memories of her mother, bitter yet sweet, and the taste would linger on the back of her tongue for a long while.
She knew this was nothing but a fleeting dream, one that she savoured. Not knowing when she would be able to see her mother again, even in dreams.
The two of them kept on dancing, like that dance Cinderella had with her Prince Charming; she knew the clock was ticking, and there was only so much time left before the dream shattered.
And she was so scared that the dream would never come back to her.
She reached out to her dream.
And she clings onto it hard.
…
Makoto stared at the closed door. She has been knocking on the door for a while now, but Sae just wouldn’t answer the door. The doorbell was of no avail, too.
She sighed another exasperated sigh, fished out her phone and started calling.
Ren (and Morgana, napping in his shoulder bag) arrived 15 minutes later, with his lock-picking tools from their old Phantom Thieving days.
“Are you sure she won’t sue me for doing this?” Ren glanced at Makoto while he tried to pick Sae’s front door.
Makoto turned from staring at the door to stare at Ren, “She was always up before noon. Even back when she was working 18-hour days, she would be up before noon. But this entire week she has been sleeping in, how can I not worry about her?”
Makoto was more than worried. Something is wrong with Sae; she just knew it, but she doesn't know what, exactly, is wrong with Sae. And this horrible feeling is suffocating her slowly.
Sae has been acting so out of it, even Sojiro texted her and asked about it. (“Is your sister alright? Hm? No, she’s just been spacing out a lot. Oh well, she has been doing that for a while now, but recently it’s… sometimes it just seems like she can’t even hear me, y’know?”)
Finally, the door cracked open. The two of them (and Morgana, now awake) stepped in.
“Sis?” Makoto knocked on Sae’s door gently, still no answer. She pushed open the door, finally seeing Sae for the first time in weeks.
There isn’t much light in the darkness of Sae’s bedroom, so Makoto briefly examines Sae’s face up close. Well, at least there aren’t any rings under her eyes; perhaps Sae really just has been sleeping all this time.
“She seems like she really has been sleeping,” Morgana poked out from Ren’s shoulderbag, peeping at Sae’s sleeping face, “To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this peaceful and relaxed. If you ask me, I’d say all this sleeping is doing her some good, Makoto.”
That’s certainly true to some extent, Makoto thought to herself.
“Maybe it’s just all those crazy working hours finally catching up to her?” Ren suggested.
The three of them stared at Sae in silence.
Her silver locks spread out on her soft pillow, her right cheek sank into the pillow as she slept on her stomach, her left hand poking out from the comforter covering her body.
Okay , Makoto thought, sis seems fine. But then why did Sojiro text me?
Maybe she should go and ask Sojiro before she comes to her sister the next time. Or maybe she should come back again and ask Sae herself when she is awake.
Makoto shook her head, ready to call it a day and leave Sae to continue sleeping.
But then, she saw it.
The little brown glass bottle is on the nightstand right next to Sae’s bed. Makoto frowned. Sae wasn’t taking any medication before she moved out to her college dorm, and as far as she’s concerned, Sae has always been in perfect health.
Curious, she reached for the little brown bottle and studied it. Zolpidem, it reads.
And her heart started sinking.
Ren noticed the look on her face, “...that’s something bad, isn’t it?”
Morgana looked at her, then at Sae, then back at her, with that cat expression he would always have when he’s suspecting something.
“...this is sleeping pills,” She forced the words out between clenched teeth.
…
She was comfortable, the perfect temperature, the best position, her head drowsy. The pillow is soft yet has enough support for her head and shoulder, the cotton sheet under her limbs is warm from her body temperature, and the thick and fluffy comforter shields her from the chill air of mid-autumn.
She thinks…
Yes, she remembers now, she has finished all her assigned cases a couple of days prior, and she is now on her vacation.
Hm, yes, she can afford to sleep in for another hour or so.
She has been sleeping for quite a while now, so she is not tired or sleepy at all, but she has her pills for a reason.
She reached out to her nightstand and searched for that little bottle she slowly got accustomed to feeling in the palm of her hand every afternoon (or was it noon? Time feels weird).
She can’t seem to find that little glass bottle without turning over and opening her eyes, so she does exactly that.
In hindsight, all of these have been huge mistakes.
And she should have known the better of it.
…
Makoto simply stared as Sae stirred from the depths of her sleep and started padding on the nightstand in search of something, which was clearly the half-empty glass bottle she’s now holding.
Makoto stared as Sae turned over in her comforter, in an attempt to find her pills.
And she kept on staring as Sae’s addled brain took notice of her presence, her eyes slowly opened wider, as if she had just realised what had happened.
“Looking for this?” Makoto showed Sae the bottle in her hand, narrowing her eyes in an unhappy style.
“Um…” Sae looked at her, stunned and dumbfounded. Perhaps surprised to see her baby sister in her room on a workday.
“Why are you taking sleeping pills?” Makoto looked at her with a serious and unappreciative look, one that can only be found on unimpressed parents, “You don’t really have insomnia, do you? Where did you even get these?”
“Urgh…” Sae struggled to get up from her bed, and Makoto noticed the slight wobble of her arm when Sae supported herself up from her bed.
“Well?” Makoto continued staring. This doesn’t seem good , she thought. She can’t be addicted to sleeping pills, can she?
Sae seemed in a daze. She replied slowly, “I… have been chatting with the doctor, Doctor Takemi, for a while, and um…”
“And you get these pills from her?” Makoto finished the sentence for her.
Sae simply nodded.
…
She felt so tired.
She shouldn’t be, though. She has been sleeping for… how many hours now?
“What time is it?” Her saliva felt thick and sticky on her tongue, her voice hoarse from the lack of hydration from all the sleeping, and her throat felt so dry, it might start peeling or cracking.
She wanted to grab her phone to check the time, but her limbs felt limp, and her phone felt too heavy.
“It’s almost 5 now. PM.” Makoto told her. She can hear the disapproval in her voice.
Yup, she definitely overslept.
Her sense of time felt strange; she swore it was only a bit past noon the last time she checked.
And she took the pill.
God, she’s so tired.
Her limbs felt heavy, her comforter felt heavy, and even her eyelid felt heavy. And it was so dark in her room, she felt sleepy and dizzy; it was like her head was full of cotton.
But she should not be sleepy, she has been sleeping for almost… six hours? Huh, that was certainly longer than expected: she was only going for a short nap.
“And?” Makoto asked again. And what? Sae’s addled brain can’t really make out what Makoto was trying to ask.
Realising her confusion, Makoto sighed, seemingly annoyed, “Why are you taking these pills in the first place?”
Oh. That. Right.
“I know this is not about insomnia, so please be truthful, Sis.”
There goes her way out.
She tried to rub her sleepiness out of her eyes, blinked a few times to buy more time to frame what to tell.
…
“I… simply wished to sleep more,” Sae said. There is clearly tiredness behind her eyes, despite all the sleep she had.
Could it be that the oxygen supply is insufficient due to all those sleeping? Or is Sae actually starting to have side effects of sleeping pill addiction?
“...That’s it?” Makoto pressed, and only got a simple nod in return.
That’s obviously half-truth, Makoto knows, even Sae knows that she knows, but she also knows that she won’t be getting more answers from Sae today.
So she left, with that half bottle of sleeping pills in hand, after telling Sae off to stop sleeping that much, and she needs more exercise.
Ren and Morgana have been giving them some privacy by waiting in their living room.
“Do you think she overdosed on those sleeping pills?” Morgana asked worriedly, glancing at Sae’s bedroom door.
Makoto sighed again. She started thinking she might age quicker from all these sighs, “I think so.”
“Where did she get those? I thought people needed a prescription to get it?” Ren asked, deep in thought.
Makoto looked at Ren dead in the eyes, “Apparently, Sis has been hanging out with Doctor Takemi.”
Ren’s eyes widened in shock, “...Oh shit.”
“Wait, what?” Morgana yelped, “But how did they even meet?”
“How would I know?” Makoto pinched her nose, “They could have met at Leblanc, since both of them are regulars there. But that’s beside the point.”
Makoto turned and stared sternly at Ren, “Ren, please go tell Doctor Takemi to stop giving Sis any medication she does not need. Understand?”
Ren gulped and nodded with his hands up in surrender style.
…
“What do you mean you can’t give me more?” She narrowed her eyes, upset about the news.
Tae let out a breath slowly, her brows furrowed, and she looked at her with inquiring eyes, “Amamiya-kun had a serious talk with me, and apparently, you have been taking more pills than I told you to, and Niijima-chan was worried enough to find out and is very unhappy about it. At least you still had some common sense not to overdose yourself. Yet. Seriously, you are on the verge of overdosing on the amount of pills you take daily. Be happy that you haven't taken the pills for longer.”
She sighed. Of course, Makoto would do anything she could to stop her from having more pills. And the most efficient way of achieving that was to make sure her pill supply would stop giving her any more pills.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tae asked her. She looks up from her lap and sees that Tae is examining her carefully, “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, but I think we’re at least good friends now, and I’m more than willing to lend you an ear.”
This is exactly what she likes about this woman. Tae is always caring, unlike herself. Despite all the nonchalant and dark demeanour Tae puts on the outside, she still cares, and she can’t help but find it really endearing.
But what should she even tell? That she’s lonely? That she missed her mom? That she didn’t have the chance to grieve properly, so all the grief is coming to bite her ass now that she no longer has to pretend to be Mokoto’s mom?
Oh god, she’s so miserable.
But she doesn’t want to hurt Tae’s feelings, not when she just admits she considers them as good friends, so she settles on a plain “I don’t know how to put it.”
God, she’s terrible at talking with people in terms of personal relationships. Like friendships. Okay, maybe she could use some MLP and their Magic of Friendship™.
Tae seems to ponder for a moment before standing up and saying, “A little alcohol can always do something about that.”
…
She was 7, and she was in a huge hospital with her father to see her mother.
“Sae, come over.” She remembers her parents smiling at her encouragingly.
Her mother already seemed a bit sickly from giving birth to her baby sister, all thin and slightly withered in her blue and white striped hospital clothes.
But she remembers her mother’s bright smile.
She remembers she moved closer and saw her baby sister for the first time.
In all honesty, it wasn’t as magical as it was normally praised in such a situation: Makoto had just been born and was looking like a ball of wrinkly pink flesh.
“Mommy, are you sure this is the right baby? This one looks like the Naked mole!” She remembers saying that, and you can’t really blame the seven-year-old Sae for saying that. She was learning about all the animals then, and the naked mole was such a visual shock for little Sae that she remembers it so clearly to this day.
Her parents laughed joyfully upon hearing Sae’s word, and she remembers they told her that she was once upon a time like a naked mole, but had eventually turned out to be this amazingly adorable girl who she is now.
She remembers wrinkling her nose, unbelieving at what her parents told her.
But she was so excited now that she got to have a baby sister!
She was so bored to be alone at home since both of her parents would need to be out working late, but she’d have to behave and be a good girl at home. Alone.
She has always been a smart girl, so her first grader homework was nothing to her, and all she could do in the house to kill time was to read her mother’s thick, heavy and complicated law books.
Reading those books she barely understands makes her feel smart, like her mother, so despite them being confusing and basically gibberish to little Sae, she still reads them.
But she will have something else to do at home from now on! She can play with her baby sister now!
…
She was 11, and she was fuming in her bedroom in their old house.
She was asked to babysit her sister, and she was so mad at her dad for doing this to her.
She had told him a week ago that she would be hanging out with her friends today, and he had agreed.
But no. She had to babysit her sister because her stupid dad just had to pick up another shift today .
She swore that her dad was definitely doing this on purpose, so that she couldn’t go out and hang out with her friends.
Because he knew how much she loves and cares about her little Mako.
God knows how much she loves her little Mako, but she is getting annoying to the teenage Sae.
She remembers shoving Mako away from her room with a pang of guilt stinging her. She remembers yelling at her dad for being unfair.
“I used to stay at home alone, and I was fine! Why can’t we just leave Makoto at home like how I used to?”
She didn’t understand. She had been staying alone at home all the time, and that was perfectly fine with her dad. So, how is it no longer fine with her dad now that she suggested they leave Makoto at home alone?
“Sae, your sister was only four! She can’t stay at home alone with no supervision!”
“So what? I stayed at home alone at four, and you didn’t say anything!”
She remembers the way her dad winced at her word. But she didn’t know what that meant back then, as she was just furious that she couldn’t hang out with her friends, especially when her dad had agreed that she could.
“You are being ridiculous, Sae.” She remembers her dad saying that.
She has always hated the way her dad would speak when he wanted to make her do things she didn’t want to. He’d make her sound like the one who’s broken her promise, like she’s the bad one here.
“I’m being ridiculous? You said yes when I asked if I could go out! You agreed!”
“Things happened, and I just can’t stay at home with Makoto today.” She remembers her dad said in a defeated tone, “Please, Sae.”
She remembers everything being so unfair for her. And she was so mad.
“She is YOUR daughter, and I’m only her sister! I have all the right in the world to refuse to babysit her, especially when I had told you I’ll be out today!”
She remembers her dad having this look he’d always had when he was really angry. She would never tell, but that little Sae somewhere deep down had always been scared of that look.
“Sae, you are mature enough to know what things are like! We just lost your mother, and we can’t afford to lose your sister! You can hang out with friends later, or actually, you shouldn’t even waste your time on those random kids, you won’t need them anyhow. Just do your thing and take good care of your sister, alright? Stop being just a difficult girl.”
She remembers how her dad’s words had felt like a punch to the gut. She remembers feeling all empty after hearing her dad’s words. As if something in her had been overwritten.
She didn’t remember how their argument ended, but she remembers she eventually lost the argument and stayed at home to babysit her little Mako, as her dad wished.
…
She was 16, and she was at Shujin’s teacher’s office.
“You’re taking another day off? Niijima-san, I know what your grades are like, so I probably shouldn’t need to worry, but may I ask why you need so many days off?”
She remembers the way her teacher looked at her, searching her face for any strange facial expression that was concerning. She had to explain again and again that she needed to go and take care of her little sister now that she was having a fever, and her father was too busy to go.
She remembers having the piece of paper with permission for a day off in the palm of her hand. She remembers walking through the quiet corridor, with only the teachers’ teaching echoing with her footsteps.
She remembers the murmurs of her peers when she packed up her bag at her seat.
“What is Niijima’s deal this time?”
“Think she got another day off.”
“Tch, that bitch thinks she’s such a smartass that she doesn't want to spend time sitting in the classroom with us losers, huh?”
“I bet she’s been sleeping with teachers to get all these days off.”
“Do you think I’d be able to convince her to sleep with me as well?”
“Nah, she’s such an arrogant bitch, she’d beat the shit outta you.”
She remembers being hurt by hearing those murmurs. But she’s so good at masking her real emotions that sometimes, even she wasn’t entirely sure about what she really feels.
She remembers what her father had told her. As the saying goes, Fake it till you make it.
“Sae, you’re an adult now, and adults’ needs aren’t as important as kids’ needs, okay? If your sister’s sick, no one should prioritise hanging out with friends over taking care of their baby sister, you hear me?”
“Yes, father.” She remembers what she replied, but she can’t remember why she felt so small when she agreed that her baby sister was more important than her.
She’d be a very selfish person if she put herself before her baby sister. She shouldn’t be selfish, and she’s an adult now; adults take care of their baby siblings, don’t they?
As the saying goes, Fake it till you make it.
She remembers she picks up on the words, and lives on to them.
…
She was 22, and she was arguing with her father in their old study.
She can’t remember the cause of their argument; all she remembered was that the argument was getting really heated, and they started settling scores.
“If you’re going to keep preferring hanging out with some nobody, no wonder you will end up as a loser!”
“I can’t even believe— you of all people calling me a loser? You have been in the force for decades, and you’re still a patrol police officer! How is that more successful than me?”
“Don’t you dare talk to your father like that!”
“If you want me to talk to you like a father, then behave like one! I was the one who took care of Makoto, never you! Where were you when Makoto had a fever for a whole week? I didn’t see my father anywhere then.”
“You have no right to teach me how to parent my own child!”
“You didn’t even come to my college graduation!”
“I told you the reason!”
“Three days after the ceremony! You could’ve at least called me to say something, or just texted me! Even Makoto took the day off to attend my graduation, and you know how she hated taking days off! It's not like you can't, you simply don't want to, and you didn't even bother to try!”
She remembers spitting venom with all the resentment toward her father, almost something like hatred.
She remembered them shouting hurtful words to each other, but she couldn’t recall how the argument ended as well.
All she remembers is that she needed to be more successful to prove her idiotic father wrong, and that her little sister didn't need a parent to ghost her and fend for herself when she had a fever for an entire week.
…
She was now at the bar Tae had taken her to hours ago.
She had gotten enough alcohol to loosen her tongue, so she had dumped everything out onto Tae in the past few hours.
“Wow…” Tae sipped her Mojito, “No offence, but your dad sounds like a jerk.”
She snorted, “None taken, he is a jerk.”
Tae eyed her for a while before asking, “So is your dad the reason you asked me to give you those zolpidem?”
She nursed on her Gin Fizz, “Not exactly.”
She didn’t have to look at Tae to know that she had just raised one side of her brows. She slowly took a sip from her cup before starting her words.
“Despite all the resentment and argument, I think I still somewhat love my father.”
She blinked away the memories in front of her, “And I miss the time when we didn’t argue almost every day.”
It wasn’t always like that between her father and her; they had been happy, they’d talk about sparring with aikido, and they’d practice together.
“I miss when mother was still there, and we were like the ideal happy family you would only see in fairy tales nowadays.”
She remembers being so happy for that short period of time, between Makoto’s birth and her mother’s death, there had been a peaceful time, and the four Niijimas had been happy.
She is now on the verge of crying. She choked out, “and I miss my mother so much.”
Her mother, in her opinion, has always been the lubricant in the Niijima family. She was a brilliant woman, a prosecutor, and Sae had always looked up to her mother.
Her mother was also the reason she wanted to become a prosecutor.
She wishes to become someone like her mother one day, brilliant and caring, warm.
“I miss her so much.”
But she always seemed to fail at it.
She remembers the look Makoto had when she had called her useless. She truly didn’t mean it, for she had been on the receiving end of the exact word, the awful word, just left the tip of her tongue, like she didn't have control over her own body.
It was as if her late father had possessed her and called her useless all over again.
The horrible realisation hit her in the face.
She would never be like her mother, kind and warm. And she had grown to become who she despised the most: her father.
“I just wish to see her again… in that dream of mine…” She is now full-on sobbing. She can feel Tae’s warm hand rubbing slow circles on the small of her back.
She’s feeling weird again, her head is spinning, and she feels like vomiting. It’s probably the alcohol.
She can hear Tae’s smooth voice whispering something to her, but her mind is so loud that she can’t really make out what Tae has been telling her.
Probably something soothing, judging from the look on Tae’s face.
God, she’s nauseating, and she really doesn't want to vomit on that pretty dress of Tae’s.
She's grateful that she at least has a friend who would listen to her ranting. Tae truly is a wonderful woman. And friend.
The last thought that occurred to her was how nice Tae's perfume smells.