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Early Spring. Senior Year. Expectation.
Hux’s cherished AP Biology class was held against its will by the guidance counselor and registrar, there to give last-minute threats to the students who hadn’t applied to any colleges. They weren’t threats, not really, but Hux certainly felt threatened.
His family was under the impression that he would take after his father and become a property consultant for hunters. The majority of the student body assumed he was going to become a serial killer; he had a laugh at that. Kylo was sure Hux would become his adoring husband.
The counselor and registrar, however… all they could see Hux becoming was a degenerate homeless drug addict with no skills. Bane and burden to his family, community, and country all because he hadn’t applied for higher education. These were illogical exaggerations of course, born of fear and confusion and hate. It wasn’t that he had no interests or drive to learn, Hux just didn’t know what he wanted.
They weren’t even addressing him personally, but his was a vivid imagination; cruel voices shouted through his ears from the inside out, guilt ground into his skull like a drill press. What was meant to be an informative lecture was prolonged torture for Hux. He could barely hear what was being said over all the whirring whirring whirring.
Hux could feel the inescapable future crumbling around him. Was that the future? Perhaps he didn’t even have one. Nothing truly progresses when you live inside an unchanging, oppressive mind. The anxiety and self loathing had beaten him until he didn’t want anything to change.
For as long as he could remember he had been drifting parallel to the present, never fully there. Fingers lightly brushing the boundary from time to time, but always returning to the dimension that was his mind and perception. Kylo - brave, sweet Kylo - had reached out to those trepidatious fingers, pulling that hand into what Hux supposed was “The Real World.”
A hand wasn’t enough.
He was disappearing. He had no right to be here. He was weak and perverse and he knew that he could never be allowed in. He knew he wasn’t welcome. He had been invited to look so he would learn his lesson, so he would never try to come in again.
He knew he knew he knew .
There was a seeping. A vibration and an opening and a seeping that wouldn’t stop. Tears in the flesh that he couldn’t see or feel; multiplying.
Hux dragged his nails along his left forearm, digging into the skin. Bloody crescent moons intermingled with the larger lacerations, where he had applied heavy pressure instead of scratching. No pain, not even an awareness of what he was doing. Hux could hear scraping and footfalls and a loud voice, though it wasn’t the one in his head. He could tell because the sound was coming in rather than going out.
“Hux. Hux! Hey asshole! Class is over dude, what’re you-” Kylo noticed the desk covered in blood and Hux’s hand, still clawing through his arm. “Hux, what the hell?!” Kylo reached out to grab Hux’s hand, prying it away from his arm and holding it to the top of the desk. Hux’s fingers tensed jerkily like there was still something to scratch.
“Will you fuckin’ tell me what’s going on?” Hux’s eyes were glassy and pale, paler than usual. He looked like a broken doll. “Goddammit,” Kylo muttered as he cupped Hux’s face with both hands, glad that the boy’s arms hung limply at his sides instead of resuming the mutilation. “Say something, anything .”
Hux just sat there, barely breathing and staring sightlessly into space. His once cold, commanding stare now passed through Kylo like a ghost. This wasn’t getting them anywhere.
“Get up, shithead!” Kylo yanked Hux out of his chair and pulled him into the hallway just outside the classroom.
He slammed Hux into the row of lockers and shouted, “What the hell is wrong with you?! Answer me, fuckwad!” Hux jostled like a ragdoll as Kylo shook him, mouth hanging open as if to let in more air while he hyperventilated. Kylo grabbed Hux’s mangled arm roughly hoping that would hurt enough to shock him back to reality, but nothing happened. He couldn’t just beat Hux out of… whatever this was. A panic attack? Disassociation? Kylo wasn’t going to dwell on semantics, he needed to figure out what was going on. These weren’t cuts made thoughtfully and lovingly with a scalpel. They weren’t part of an investigation of life’s secrets. The curiosity and passion that Kylo found so endearing were not present in Hux’s features anymore and that terrified him.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he let go of Hux’s arm. Hux’s blood was on his hand. The tears fell and in a quiet voice Kylo pleaded, “Hux… Please… I-I’m scared.”
Hux’s eyes rolled back and closed.
He didn’t answer.
A flash of acid green, oscillating black and white. Buzzing and buzzing and buzzing and buzzing until the pitch was so high his ears rang.
Nothing.
He was floating. No, by the speed it was more like flying. Hux looked up wearily to see a sobbing yet determined face. Kylo was carrying him in his arms, rushing through the school towards the infirmary. Hux clumsily tried to piece together what had just happened until the memory flooded back forcefully like the blood still oozing from his arm. He wanted to tell Kylo to stop, to put him down and let him drive himself home. He’d driven before in a state similar to this. Not that it was a safe idea, but anything was better than going to the infirmary. He dreaded the questions he would be asked. The failure he would have to admit.
All of this in front of Kylo. Who thought of Hux as calm and in control. Who trusted him. He would never trust Hux now.
His chest tightened as they neared the infirmary. Kylo practically barreled through the door and startled the nurse from her paperwork.
“Please! Please help him! I don’t know what’s going on, but he hurt himself and wouldn’t say anything and passed out, I’m so scared I- ”
“Slow down, everything’s going to be okay. Let’s first sit him down.” The nurse stood up from her desk and gestured to the further part of the office. She held back the curtain that divided the room and Kylo walked towards the exam table where he gently deposited Hux. The soft crinkle of the sanitary paper was familiar and calmed Kylo a little as he pulled up a chair. He hoped the sound of the paper would be soothing to Hux too.
While the nurse washed and sanitized her hands she asked softly, “What’s your name?” The question was directed at Hux, but he just stared at the floor, silent.
Kylo fidgeted in his seat, realizing he would have to answer. “Um, his name is Brendon. Brendon Hux… and I’m Ky- Ben Solo.”
The nurse snapped on a pair of gloves and nodded sympathetically at Kylo. “Thank you, sweetheart. You’re a friend of his?” She moved to stand in front of Hux now.
“I-I’m… I’m his boyfriend.”
“He’s very lucky,” she said. Kylo’s gaze fell to his lap. He didn’t think Hux was lucky at all.
“Okay sweetie, I’m going to take a look at your arm.” Hux had crossed his arms over his stomach, keeping the worst of the damage out of sight until now. The nurse gasped when she pulled his arm away from him and turned it out to reveal the full injury. “Oh my goodness…”
As she set to work cleaning and bandaging Hux’s arm, the nurse tried to coax some information out of him. When Hux finally responded it was clipped and so quiet she had to ask him to repeat himself.
“I said I… I got… I got nervous… and was very tired. I’m fine now. It won’t happen again.” Hux looked more closed off now than he did when he wasn’t speaking, if that was even possible. The nurse’s brow creased with concern, like she was unsure of what to say next.
“I’m going to need to call your parents, Brendon. Let them know what happened and that they should come pick you up.” Hux suppressed a derisive snort.
“My… family is out on a hunting trip. You can try calling them, but I doubt they get any reception where they are.” It could have been a lie, but he was telling the truth. The rest of the Huxes were away. Kylo knew from experience that that wouldn’t be a good enough excuse though, true or not. The nurse wasn’t going to just let Hux go home without anyone there to make sure he didn’t hurt himself again.
“Um, I could take him back to my house. You can call my mom at work. I’m sure she’d be okay with it.”
The nurse hesitantly agreed. “Alright. Thank you, Ben. I’ll also try to get in touch with his parents, just in case.”
While the nurse dialed Leia’s number, Hux leaned down to whisper to Kylo. “My bag… It’s still in the cubby in the classroom…”
Kylo squeezed Hux’s hand lightly and let the nurse know where he was going. Leia answered the phone as soon as Kylo left the room.
Another wave of students were filing into the classroom when Kylo got there. Apparently the teacher hadn’t come back from lunch yet because a crowd had gathered around Hux’s desk.
The blood was still there.
Thank god he put his bag in the cubby , thought Kylo. He didn’t want to have to explain to the rabble why he was collecting personal items from what looked like a crime scene. He grabbed the satchel and swiftly made his exit.
It was time to take Hux home.
Though he had his license, Kylo had no car of his own and had to drive Hux’s truck home. It was such an ugly, crusty thing. Unsuitable for its owner. Even bleeding and in a state of shock, Hux was still beautiful to Kylo. Cold and sharp in his mannerisms, but soft in his features, betraying the sentimentality that only Kylo knew. After buckling him into the passenger seat, he tucked a few errant strands of Hux’s hair back into place. He might think Hux is beautiful no matter what, but Hux would want to be put back in order. Of that, Kylo was sure.
The drive home was quiet. Hux had clammed up again and now didn’t seem like a good time to share the new mix cd Kylo made. They arrived only a little past noon and Leia wouldn’t be home until the evening, so Kylo let themselves into the house. Once inside he gathered Hux into his arms to carry him up the steps to his bedroom. Hux visibly relaxed upon entering Kylo’s room, finally in a place he felt safe.
Kylo laid him down on the bed, removed his shoes, and tucked him in, grabbing a few extra pillows from the closet afterwards in case he wanted to be propped up. “Do you uh… do you want something to eat? I don’t think we have much right now, but- “ Hux tugged on the sleeve of Kylo’s hoodie.
“Do you intend to make me vomit? No, I want to sleep.” Was that… was that sarcasm? Kylo prayed that was a sign of Hux starting to feel better.
“Oh, yeah, okay…” Hux was still gripping Kylo’s sleeve and, with as much strength as he could muster, pulled him closer to the bed. Kylo got the hint and sat down on the edge of the mattress to slide his shoes off before crawling under the covers, positioning himself so he could lean back on the pillows while Hux rested his head on Kylo’s broad chest.
Hux was once again encircled by strong, warm arms, slowly pulling him out of his parallel dimension back into the real world. His bandaged arm throbbed and itched, but the embrace guided him to more pleasant sensations, like Kylo’s steady heartbeat and his fingers tenderly stroking Hux’s hair.
Before drifting off Hux mumbled, “I’m sorry.”
Rustling. The sound of hands at work. Hux slowly opened his eyes to the glow of the early evening.
He rolled over to see Kylo cross-legged next to him, surrounded by compartmentalized boxes of colorful, plastic beads. A pile of completed bracelets were balanced on Kylo’s knee.
“Kylo- “ Hux started, but was stopped by Kylo’s sudden embrace. A few containers of beads fell to the floor, but Kylo didn’t seem to care in the slightest.
“HUX!” Kylo didn’t let up until Hux squirmed enough in his grasp to ram the top of his head into Kylo’s chin. “Yowch, sorry man! I-I’m just happy you’re awake…” Kylo pulled away suddenly and drew his knees up to his chest. “Do you know how much you scared me? This came out of nowhere and you still haven’t told me what’s wrong… you’re really fucking stupid , you know that?”
Hux’s whole body tensed and he bit out through gritted teeth, “I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you. I’m sure I’ll be out of your life soon enough if- when this happens again.” He was trembling now, fists clenched tight at his sides. This anger wasn’t for Kylo, it was for himself. He was ruining what they worked so hard to build, infecting the only thing that was pure in his life like a cancer. Hux was a malignant tumor that needed to be cut out of Kylo’s life before there could be no chance of remission.
Tears collected heavily on Hux’s pale eyelashes and threatened to fall at any second. The air around them thick like smog, swirling, suffocating. Kylo erupted.
“You think you’re a burden to me?! God, get over yourself! You think you’re making things easier by bottling everything up until it bursts?! Then you have the fucking nerve to imply it’ll happen again, that I’ll be better off with you… what? With you dead?! Fuck you, Hux. Fuck you for deciding my feelings for me when you won’t even tell me yours.”
Red-faced and wide-eyed, Kylo continued his tirade. “I could have left your stupid ass in the classroom to bleed all over your desk. Could have left you there to be interrogated by teachers and students and counselors who wouldn’t let you leave until they got ahold of your stupid parents! But I didn’t! I didn’t let that shit happen because I was scared and because I care about you. You’re not a burden to me. You never forced me to be your boyfriend. You never forced me to do anything . Never…”
Kylo took a deep, shaky breath and went silent. His head pounded and cheeks stung where tears had left their tracks. In a soft voice he went on, “I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me when you’re sad or scared or confused or when you just don’t feel right, even if you don’t know why.” Kylo’s face relaxed a little. “I yap at you all fucking day, Hux, sometimes about nothing! You deserve to do that too. I know it seems like I don’t shut up, but… but I want to listen to you… if you would just let me…”
Hux mulled over Kylo’s monologue while the heavy smog dissipated. “I… I don’t want to scare you… or ruin your life any further…” Kylo rolled his eyes and groaned.
“Oh come the fuck on, Hux. There’s nothing scary about you. And as for ruining my life, I think I’m the one who should decide whether that’s what you’re doing…” Kylo huffed and crossed his arms, glancing at Hux quickly before looking away again. “You’re not ruining it, by the way.”
The air was lighter now. A few clouds remained, but they weren’t made of pollution. They were rain clouds preparing themselves to clean the rest of the air. Ready to revitalize the scorched earth and help new buds bloom.
“It’s going to take a long time… for me to talk, I mean.” Hux sniffled and wiped his nose on his bandaged arm. “I’m not… used to people wanting to listen.”
Kylo had never seen Hux so shy before, so vulnerable. “You don’t have to tell me everything at once. You don’t even have to start with anything serious. I just want to know that you trust me… Do you trust me?” Hux looked up at Kylo and held his gaze. The cerulean of his irises practically glowed against red, bloodshot scleras.
“I… I trust you.”
A huge grin stretched across Kylo’s face, bright and hopeful and full of love.
The sound of the front door opening made Kylo jump. Leia was home. An epiphany was forming rapidly in Kylo’s mind and he gripped Hux’s shoulder suddenly. “Hux! Will you be okay up here for just a minute? There’s something important I need to do.” Hux nodded, dumbfounded, as Kylo bolted out of bed, scattering the rest of his beads and bracelets onto the floor.
“MOM!” Kylo shouted as he rushed down the steps to greet her at the door.
“B-Ben?” Leia stiffened in surprise. Her son was… her son was greeting her. Actively . Kylo swept her up off the ground and held her tight. A flood of words poured out of Kylo’s mouth.
“Mom, I’m so sorry. After grandpa Anakin died I felt like there was no one left who understood me. I should have talked to you. I should have just told you when I was upset and confused. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to figure that out, but I love you and I… I want to make everything right!”
Kylo loosened his grip on Leia, letting her feet touch the floor again. She was speechless. Taking his huge hands in her own, she searched his face, basking in the charming smile that she hadn’t seen in years. “Ben, I- I don’t know what to say…” A laugh bubbled up from deep inside her. “I- ha! Oh Ben! I love you so much. I think there’s a lot we have to talk about, but… Hux. Is he alright?”
“Yeah, he’s doing okay. Thank you, mom. For letting him stay. For everything.” Kylo’s lopsided grin widened and he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, ruffling his hair in the process. “Um… Is it okay if I go back upstairs? I kinda sprung a bunch of stuff on you all of a sudden, but didn’t really, uh, think about the fact that this whole fixing things thing would take more than like, ten seconds ha ha. I don’t wanna leave Hux by himself...”
Leia’s smile was warm and sympathetic. She pulled her son in for another hug and said, “Of course you can, sweetheart. We have all the time in the world to talk. You go back up there, I’ll get started on dinner.”
“Thanks mom.”
Leia released him from the hug and Kylo headed towards the staircase, but he stopped when she called to him. “Ben!”
Kylo turned around. “Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you.”
Kylo beamed and just about flew up the steps.
Hux was now on the floor of Kylo’s room, diligently retrieving the fallen beads and returning them to their proper places in the storage containers. Kylo plopped himself down across from Hux and eyed the systematic organization suspiciously. “What’re you doing?”
Hux looked up and scowled. “What do you think I’m doing? Cleaning up your mess, like always. You know, these compartments exist for a reason, Kylo.” He gestured to one of the small sections in the box he held. “Why on earth you thought glittery stars belonged in the same spot as matte green hearts is beyond my comprehension. It’s an affront to those who make these boxes, honestly.”
Kylo laughed and took Hux’s bandaged arm into his hands, turning it delicately. “Eugh, do you want me to change your bandages? They look kinda nasty.”
Hux looked away, eyelashes fluttering bashfully. How was this the same boy that pompously chided Kylo just seconds ago?
“Yes, thank you...”
Kylo got to work removing the bloody bandages from Hux’s arm and cleaned it up. The bleeding had stopped, but his arm still looked red and raw. Before applying the ointment and fresh bandages the nurse had provided Kylo with, he brought his lips to Hux’s arm, trailing soft kisses over every scratch and cut.
“What do you think you’re doing? Acting out some sappy teen romance fantasy? Cease this.”
Kylo looked up briefly from where he was kissing and pouted, then resumed his task. Once he had sufficiently covered every inch of marred skin he pulled his head up and smirked at the faint blush creeping along Hux’s freckled cheeks.
“No wonder your arm took so long to stop bleeding, the nurse forgot the most important step.” Kylo began lightly spreading antibacterial ointment over Hux’s arm.
“Oh? And what might that be, Dr. Solo?”
“The kisses! Obviously! She should be fired for medical malpractice.” He applied soft gauze pads along the length of Hux’s arm and covered them with a larger cloth dressing, then secured it all with medical tape, taking care not to wrap too tightly.
“You’re ridiculous…” Hux tried to maintain his sour expression, but faltered. The smallest hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, cheeks still flushed.
“Isn’t that your favorite thing about me?” Kylo let go of Hux’s arm and clapped his hands together. “Ta-da! All done- Oh! Wait I almost forgot the last part!” He reached awkwardly around Hux to gather up the pile of bracelets he had made.
There were seven of them in total, each one featuring a rainbow of neon and sparkles. Some of the beads were faceted, others were shaped like hearts and stars. One bracelet just had alternating black and red beads; it reminded Hux of the silly raccoon stripes in Kylo’s hair.
Kylo picked a bracelet up and was about to tie it around Hux’s left wrist, but Hux suddenly jerked away. “Why are you forcing your hideous sense of fashion upon me?”
Kylo looked down at the garish piece of jewelry in his hand, expression more serious than before. “Please, Hux. Let me?” Hux timidly presented his arm again and allowed Kylo to continue.
They sat in silence while Kylo tied the last of the seven bracelets around Hux’s arm. His hands lingered on the beads, beginning to fiddle with them.
“I know you think they’re stupid, but maybe… maybe when you feel bad you can play with these. Instead of, you know… shredding your arm like a cheese grater.” Hux just looked at Kylo, unsure of how to respond. There was a joke there, but this seemed important.
“Also, maybe they can… can remind you of me. If you want them to.” Another brief silence spanned between them. “I- ah, this was a stupid idea, I’m sorry, I can take them off- “
Hux placed his right hand over Kylo’s shaking ones, stopping him from undoing the knot on the first bracelet. Alternating black and red. Their eyes met and everything stilled.
Hux’s heart beat rapidly in his chest while he wordlessly pleaded.
Please don’t go, not when you’ve finally anchored me here.
I don’t want to drift parallel to your world anymore. Keep me, please.
Keep me.