Archive of Our Own

Tim Bradford.

That’s a name Lucy hasn’t heard in a long time. A man she hasn’t thought about in what feels like forever. 

Okay. 

That’s a lie. 

She has. 

But mostly it’s when she hears something about metro. Or thinks she sees Kojo in the park. Sometimes it comes so unexpectedly that it catches her off guard, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Making pancakes has always been a little challenging after he left. 

Because deep down, of course, she still sometimes thought of him. How could she not? He was the first man she ever truly loved with every cell in her body. And he was also the first man to ever break her heart completely. 

It took her years to put back together the pieces he had broken. But she finally did it and was able to move on.

But when Grey announced that Tim Bradford would return for a metro operation, his station working alongside hers, Lucy felt her heart rate pick up. 

So maybe after all this healing, time, and space, she wasn’t ready to see him. 

And she wasn’t the only one to know that. 

“You okay?” Angela asked after the roll call, once everyone was mostly gone, and it was just the two of them. 

Lucy didn’t need her to elaborate. The gentleness in her eyes and quietness in her voice told her everything she needed to know. She was talking about Tim. 

“Of course,” Lucy said, almost too cheerfully. 

“He doesn’t know.”

“Know what?”

“About your life,” she explained, and then continued a little quieter. “I haven’t told him anything about you.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Lucy shrugged, slipping her pen into her uniform pocket - desperate to do something instead of sitting under Angela’s gaze. “I haven’t heard anything about him either. And besides, it’s been 9 years. I’m fine.”

Angela studied her as if she were trying to evaluate if Lucy was being honest. And while she wasn’t completely honest about her feelings, even to herself, Angela let it go. When it came to Tim, she was always careful. 

Lucy wasn’t naive. She knew they still kept in touch. He was Jack’s godfather after all. He was her family. But after he left when he broke up with her, Angela never mentioned him again. Maybe she was afraid, or maybe she tried to separate the mess of their relationship from work. Either way, it worked. And Lucy was grateful. 

“Chen,” Grey’s words cut through her thoughts, calling her name. She knew exactly what this would be about. 

She carefully closed the door to his office and didn’t show the storm that was clouding her mind. She stood tall, chin up, shoulders square. The kind of confidence she had earned over the years of being a sergeant, being in charge, showing everyone that she wasn’t just some fragile little thing that needed pity after her heart got ripped out. 

“Will you be okay working alongside Bradford?”

No introduction. Nothing. He cut right to the chase. 

“Yes, sir. Don’t see why it would be a problem,” she said without her voice ever wavering. 

He raised a skeptical brow. “Considering your history, I’d think it’s a fair assumption.”

“It was years ago,” she said evenly. “I’ve moved on. I’m sure so has he.”

Grey slowly nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest. “As your supervisor, I had to make sure. I need to keep the station in order. But… as a friend, I want to make sure you are okay. Those months after… even if you tried to look okay, I know you struggled.”

Ouch. That one hit deeper than she expected. 

Seeing how deeply Grey really cared, Lucy let her protectiveness fall and spoke softly now. “I’m okay. I promise.”

That was probably all the confirmation Grey needed to hear. So he dismissed her without digging deeper. 

She was fine. She was healed. She could stay professional. And for what it was worth, she knew that whatever feelings she had for him were long gone. 

Until they weren’t. 

The moment she finally saw him, everything around her stopped. 

All the progress she had made seemed insignificant. Useless. Erased. It was funny how one look could crumble everything she had worked into a complete nothingness.

Her heart jumped. Or fluttered. She couldn’t tell the difference anymore. All she knew was that it reacted the second she saw him walk into the station, wearing his metro uniform again. 

He had aged. That was the first thing Lucy noticed. His hair had more gray in it. His forehead had more lines on his forehead. Time had left its mark. But dammit. He still looked good, and for that, Lucy hated herself. She wished he’d lost the effect he had on her. Maybe that would’ve made his visit less painful. 

And then, probably the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened. Their eyes met. It still felt like a reflex. Like he still could feel when she was near him. She could certainly feel his presence. Her body warmed. It was weird. Weird how the same feeling she felt whenever they were in love could still be brought back so easily and unprovoked. 

As she stood frozen, he gave her a terse nod - god, not the terse nod - and walked off to brief his team. 

Lucy was thankful that they didn’t work in the same division anymore. It made escaping him easier. He was working with the metro while she could be out on patrol. Focusing on the calls. Pretend her ex wasn’t back in the very station where they’d once fallen in love. 

And, ironically, where they’d broken up. 

“Saw Tim before we left.”

So much for not thinking about him.

Celina has been working with Lucy for a while now. While Celina was still trying to discover her path moving forward, she was grateful for the chance of partnership. Mentorship. And because they both had moved out of the apartment, it was nice to catch up between the calls. And now they have become close friends. 

That meant she couldn’t hide her feelings from Celina as well as she could from Angela. 

“I saw him too,” Lucy sighed. 

Celina’s head snapped to look at Lucy before she quickly returned her eyes to the road. “And? How was it?”

Lucy wasn’t entirely sure herself. “Weird? I’m not sure. It just feels weird .”

“Are you gonna talk to him?” Celina asked, carefully. 

“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about.”

“You could catch up. See how he’s doing. Ask about Kojo. I know you want to know. Doesn’t have to mean anything more.”

Celina was right. Lucy wanted to know more about his life. And she desperately missed Kojo, so seeing a photo or two of him would put her mind at ease. But that sounded dangerous. Talking to him again sounded dangerous. But why did it feel so tempting?

She groaned and leaned her head back against the seat, eyes closed. “I think I’m just scared.”

Celina hummed like she knew what Lucy meant. “Then we can go back to the station only when it’s absolutely necessary.”

Lucy gave her a smile that conveyed how thankful she was for the support. And for the rest of the day, Lucy could enjoy the distraction. She let herself enjoy that her day wasn’t different from any of the others. Even when they did finally come back to the station, to do paperwork, Tim was nowhere to be seen. But she knew he was somewhere. She felt him. His presence lingered in the air. The faint scent of his shampoo hovered over her desk. The shampoo she used to love. Every time he got in bed from the shower, she had snuggled up by his side and pressed her nose in the crook of his neck, breathing him in. Lucy wondered if maybe he had come by her desk, hoping to see her. But maybe it was just memories flooding back and reminding her of the little details she had learned while they were together. 

But then she felt him again. This time it was stronger. This time, she didn’t have to look up to know that he was standing right next to her. 

“Hey,” his voice came low and a little broken. Like just that one simple word pained him. 

She looked to her left and saw him. Up close. Finally, after all these years. And then her mouth did something weird. She smiled. “Hey yourself.”

“Mind if I sit?” he asked, nodding toward the chair at her desk.  

She could say no. Make up an excuse. But her heart ached in this weird and yet not totally unfamiliar way. “Be my guest.”

For a moment, they didn’t say anything. They just looked at each other like they were relearning. Trying to find all the differences that caught the eye. Trying to find all the similarities that felt like comfort. They learned the new person who was right in front of them after 9 long years. And then, as if they realized they hadn’t changed that much, they smiled. It was small but loaded. It was a moment between friends and, yes, partners who had loved each other deeply. 

“It’s nice to see you again,” Tim finally said, his smile still lingering on his face. 

“The feeling’s mutual,” Lucy replied with her own smile that, despite the flutter in her chest, didn’t falter. 

“You’re a sergeant now,” Tim pointed to her stripes.

“Yes! Made it a year after you-” the words caught in her throat. The pang in her chest once again burned just as painfully as it did all those years ago. “Well, you know.”

Tim ducked his head, his smile turning into something like regret. Maybe. Lucy didn’t want to read into it. “That’s amazing,” he said instead, a small, quiet pride shining through. “You should be proud of yourself.”

“I am.” 

Tim chuckled, clearly enjoying Lucy’s cheekiness. “And? How do you like it?”

“It’s great. At first, I took on some UC assignments, but then decided that it wasn’t my thing anymore. I like it here. Being in charge. Having the responsibility.” She tilted her head. “And how about you? Metro again?”

“Yeah. Went back three years ago or something like that.”

“That’s good,” Lucy said warmly. “I remember how much you loved it.”

For a second, she swore his smile softened in a way that told her it wasn’t really the job he loved so much but what it meant for them at the time. An opportunity to be together. But then his eyes fell and caught on the proof that things had changed. “Congratulations,” he said, pointing to the ring.

She didn’t look down, as if the evidence of her heart belonging to someone else wasn’t something she wanted to acknowledge at this moment. She still didn’t want to hurt Tim, even if he had hurt her in the most painful way possible. 

“Thanks.”

“He treating you good?” 

“He is,” Lucy said quietly, her lips twitching into a smile without her even noticing. 

“That’s good. You deserve it.” Silence stretched between them until Tim decided to torture himself more. Maybe some things hadn’t changed at all. “Anyone I know?”

Lucy chuckled. “If you know a lot of real estate agents, then maybe, but I highly doubt it.”

“Real estate agent?”

“Hey, don’t sound so unconvinced,” Lucy pushed his arm like she always did when he used to tease her. “We met when I was looking for a house. I had finally saved up enough to move out of the apartment. He showed me around… and then asked me out on a date.”

“Good for him. Didn’t waste any time.”

Lucy rolled her eyes fondly until her smile turned into something quieter. “I rejected him.”

“So how did you end up marrying him?”

“He kept asking me out. We used to run into each other randomly. Until one day, I gave in.”

“What changed your mind?” Tim asked.

She looked at him. Looked at him like the truth meant more to them than her and her husband. “I realized you weren’t coming back.”

Tim looked down again. Her confession caught a string in his heart that felt painful. There was a beat of silence - both needing the time just to take a breath. Until his confession fell quietly but just as heavily between them. “I almost did.” 

Lucy furrowed her brows, confused, so he elaborated. “I think it was a year after I left. It was your birthday, and I kept thinking about you. I wanted to call you or text you to wish you a happy birthday, but then I remembered that Angela had told me you hadn’t smiled for a year. And I thought… maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I’d only make things harder. That’s when I decided that instead of torturing you, I’ll go to the bar. Didn’t make it far. I saw you. You were celebrating. With Celina and Rachel, I think. I thought it was a sign that I should go up to you and say hi. But then,” he paused, his face showing exactly the pain he still felt. “Then you laughed. Like real belly laughter, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ruin your day for you. Your happiness. I realized that I might not be capable of ever making you laugh like that again.”

Lucy realized a small tear had escaped her, but she was quick to swipe it away with the back of her hand. She remembers that night vividly. After work, she went home and sat in her bed. She’d thrown on Tim’s shirt and set her phone down, waiting for his call. It made her feel pathetic. They hadn’t talked in over a year, and then she waited for him to call her. Desperate just to hear his voice. Then Celina came home, saw Lucy in her bedroom, and made her go out. After who knows how many tequila shots, for the first time in what felt like ages, she forgot about Tim. Until she felt him. Even when she was drunk and laughing about whatever she was laughing about, there was a moment when she thought she felt him. She spun around, searching the place for him, but there was no one there. Only now, she realized that she felt Tim. Just a second earlier, and she would've seen him. Would’ve gone up to him. And in her drunken and still hurt state, maybe even would’ve kissed him. 

“Sorry. I didn’t tell you this to hurt you,” Tim quickly apologized.

She shook her head and gently squeezed his hand that was resting just a few inches from her. “No. I’m glad you told me. Means that I wasn’t totally insane for waiting.”

“It’s good you moved on,” Tim said instead, his voice and smile genuine. “You seem happy, and that’s all I ever wanted for you.”

“You used to make me happy too.”

“Until I didn’t,” Tim replied.

“Until you didn’t,” she agreed softly and pulled her hand away, not daring to have his touch any longer than it was necessary. 

To shift the mood to something that would make Lucy smile, because Tim knew it would, he pointed to the picture frame on her desk. The picture frame Lucy liked to look at when she missed home. Missed her family. “She’s pretty.”

And Lucy smiled. Just like Tim knew she would. “Yeah,” she said fondly, tracing a finger over her daughter’s face in the picture. “She looks just like her father.”

“What?” Tim exclaimed, his voice rising in disbelief. He leaned down to look at the picture more carefully and then back at her. “No way. She has your nose, smile, and everything.”

Lucy giggled. “She has my attitude."

“Oh-oh,” Tim’s eyes widened. “That’s dangerous.”

“Hey, don’t be mean,” she rolled her eyes, but laughed together with Tim anyway. It felt nice to laugh with him again. Maybe it wasn’t the safest thing to do, but it felt familiar, and for a second, Lucy could enjoy his company again. 

He had this uncanny way of making her forget about everything around her, so it wasn’t surprising that the truth slipped out so easily. “You know I always thought we would have a kid of our own.”

The laughter quieted down until Tim could only softly smile. “Me too,” he admitted, and then added. “I always thought I was gonna marry you. Even bought the ring and everything.”

Her heart dropped. She wanted that time machine. She wanted to go back in time and go to that day when that one phone call ended something beautiful. She would’ve told him to turn off his phone. Begged him not to answer it. Chase after him. Lucy would do everything in her power to change the way they ended. She would fight like hell to make sure he would propose, they’d get married, and then have their own daughter. But that would also mean erasing the life she had now. And no matter how much it hurt, she wouldn’t trade any money in the world for the life she had built. She loved her family. Her husband, who reminded her how much he loved her and her daughter, who meant the world to her. 

“Have you found anyone new?” A desperate part of her wanted his answer to dull the sting. 

Only for it to hurt even more. “No,” he admitted. “Kojo and I are perfect on our own.” 

The tears started to burn her eyes. And instead of showing it to Tim, she turned her head away from him and exhaled. “I should probably finish up the paperwork.”

Tim knew what she was doing, so he didn’t push. She heard him stand up, clear his throat, and when he finally spoke, his voice betrayed his emotions, coming out raw and tight. “Thank you for talking to me. It was nice to catch up with you.”

“Mhm,” was all she could manage to say, and then he left. A few tears spilled over, but she managed to gather herself together. She still felt him. He was still somewhere at the station, and that didn’t help her focus on the paperwork. The words blurred together. She couldn’t decide how to phrase her thoughts, so she gave up. She gathered her things, changed out of her uniform, and headed to her car. 

Then deja vu hit her. She spotted him across the parking lot, walking towards his car. And before she knew it, she called out to him. “What did you do with the ring?” 

His shoulders tensed. He froze mid-step. Clearly, he wasn’t expecting to see her again, let alone hear the question. Tim slowly turned to look at her and searched her eyes. 

The truth. She quietly tried to beg him without saying a word. She needed to hear the truth.

“Nothing,” he said, as it was something simple. Something that was just as common as what color the sky is. 

“Why?”

His mouth opened, then closed. But Lucy stood still. She waited because after everything, she deserved to know. “Because if I get rid of it, it means it never happened. Means that I’m saying goodbye to you forever.”

Now, she didn't care for the tears that slipped free. She didn’t care that he saw it. She didn’t even care that they were in the middle of the parking lot and anyone could see and hear them. She stepped closer, close enough that she had to look up into his eyes. He held his breath. So did she. 

“I’m not supposed to say this,” she whispered. “I can’t even fully admit it to myself. But sometimes I think I still love you. I think I’ll always love you, just a little bit. But I’m happy, Tim. The kind of happy I want to be for the rest of my life.” 

Tim nodded, understanding exactly what Lucy was saying. It wasn’t a confession of love. It was letting him go. 

Lucy lifted her hand to cup his cheek. His eyes fell shut as he leaned into her touch. Remembering the warmth of her. “I want you to find this kind of happiness, too, because you deserve it. You have to move on so you can finally let yourself live. If not for yourself…do it for me.” 

And then, even though she knew it would be a mistake, she pulled him down to her and wrapped her arms around him. She hugged him, and he immediately followed by holding her tight and taking what comfort he could until he forced himself to pull back. Selfishly, she didn't want to let him go just yet. Her hand slipped to the back of his neck, holding him close to her. Eyes closed, she leaned their foreheads together and let herself feel the warmth, the familiarity, and the love that still existed between them. 

This was their final goodbye. 

When she felt ready to step away, she gave him one last smile, placed a kiss on his cheek, and went back to her car. The moment she shut the door, the breath she’d been holding tore out of her. Lucy glanced in the rearview mirror to see him looking at her.

But she didn’t feel him anymore. 

The strings that had bound her to Tim Bradford had finally snapped. 

They didn't exist anymore.

The only thing that mattered and existed was the family waiting for her at home. Right where her heart belonged now.