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Buck is terrible person and an even worse boyfriend. He’s just ruined everything with Eddie, he’s sure of it.
Things between them should be great, they are great, they’ve been officially together for four months, Buck’s pretty sure neither of them have ever been happier. But, there’s just one tiny issue weighing well, everything down: an hour ago, Eddie asked Buck to officially move in with him.
That shouldn’t have been an issue, Buck has been an unofficial member of the Diaz household since long before either of them had even realized their feelings for one another. Buck pretty much already lives there, but nevertheless, there was a nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that if he said yes and did move in with Eddie and Chris, he’d ruin everything. So he’d acted a fool and ruined everything anyways. Classic him.
It went like this:
That morning, Buck had gone home with Eddie following a 48 hour shift. It had been ridiculously busy and most of the calls were pretty physically demanding and both of them were in desperate need of a shower and a long nap.
As soon as they got home — to Eddie’s house — Eddie had gone to the en-suite and Buck to the main bathroom; normally they’d shower together, but neither of them were in the mood for anything other than simply getting clean, and their showers together always ended up going, well, a different direction.
Eddie, the world’s fastest showerer as Buck had dubbed him, was done before Buck had even gotten in. In fairness, Buck had stopped in the kitchen for a glass of water and a quick snack before heading to the bathroom.
As Buck turned on the water, he heard Eddie padding towards the bathroom door, stopping right outside of it.
“Buck?” he asked, his voice muffled by the bathroom fan and the running water.
“Yeah?” Buck responded.
Eddie was quiet for a second before clearing his throat, “Do you wanna move in?
Buck stood stock still for a second in stunned silence. Had he heard that right? Did Eddie just ask him to move in? He’d asked so casually that Buck was half convinced his mind was playing tricks on him, and listen, he did, he really did want to move in with Eddie. He wanted nothing more, but if he did, he’d ruin everything.
He could picture it: He’d get too comfortable, too himself, and Eddie would grow to resent him, and ultimately realize that Buck was just all wrong. There had been a reason, after all, that Tommy had fled the moment Buck had even brought up the potential of them living together. He was too much, too overbearing, Tommy had seen it and saved himself from the misfortune of living with a Buck.
Buck didn’t want things with Eddie to be ruined this quick, maybe he was being selfish, but he wanted to enjoy their relationship a few months more before he would inevitably become too much for Eddie and Eddie would grow tired of him like Tommy had, and well, honestly all of his exes had.
Buck was the common denominator, anyone with a brain knew it. He ruined every relationship he was in, and moving in with Eddie would just fast track their ultimate end. He knew it.
Of course, unlike Tommy, Eddie had never once given Buck the impression that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, that he wouldn’t leave at the drop of a hat. He’d reassured Buck time and time again that he was in it for the long haul; Buck was it for him.
He knew, logically, that Eddie loved him for him, hell, he knew him better than anyone else, but still, since they’d started dating, he’d been making himself smaller. Tommy hadn’t liked it when he was being difficult , so he’d shoved his emotions down. He did the same now, for Eddie, because wasn’t that what you were supposed to do for a partner? Make yourself easier, more palatable? That was certainly all Buck knew to do. He was difficult to love, he knew it.
Eddie had never complained when Buck was emotional, had never called Buck immature or difficult the way Tommy had so frequently, but still, the idea of Eddie potentially thinking any of those things was enough for Buck to make himself as small and easy to get along with as possible.
He knew if he moved in with Eddie, he wouldn’t be able to keep it all up anymore, Eddie would see him and grow to resent him the way all of his previous relationships had. He knew it.
So, like any normal person, who was not panicking, Buck lied, “Can’t hear you Eds, sorry.”
Eddie spoke louder this time “I asked if you wanted to-“
“One sec, sorry, Maddie’s calling,” Buck cut him off, lying again.
He didn’t feel good about it at all , but he couldn’t answer, he felt like he was going to throw up. He waited until he heard Eddie walk away before jumping out of the shower and doubling over the toilet, spilling out what little food he’d eaten. He knew this shouldn’t be making him so anxious, but god, he didn’t know what to do. When he was sure he wouldn’t throw up again, he dressed quickly and called Maddie, she’d know what to do.
“ Hey Buck! What’s up? ” she’d answered after the first ring.
“Mads,” his voice was hoarse and shaky.
“Buck? Are you okay?” Even over the phone he could hear the worry in her voice, did he really sound that bad?
“Mads can-can I come over, I can’t- I can’t, I don’t know wh-what” He was beginning to hyperventilate, what was wrong with him, why was he panicking over this?
“Buck, Evan, breathe, are you good to drive or do you need me to pick you up?”
He took a few shaky deep breaths in before responding, “I can drive my-myself,” he didn’t want to put Maddie out more than he already surely was by deciding to go to her for help on her day off.
“ If you’re sure,” Maddie said, “ Please be safe, I’ll see you soon.”
“I will,” He promised. After hanging up, he took another moment to collect himself before rushing to the door, yelling some excuse about Maddie needing last minute help watching the kids behind him as he hurried out.
That was how he found himself where he is now: parked in front of Maddie’s house, post panic attack clarity sending him into another one. He’s avoiding looking at his phone because he knows Eddie has texted him and called several times. He knows that his abrupt exit the second Eddie asked him to move in had surely clued the latter into his anxiety about the situation, and he knows that's what the calls were about.
He knows, logically, that Eddie isn’t mad at him, that he just wants to make sure Buck is okay, but he still can't bring himself to even look at the messages, let alone respond.
He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting in his car spiraling, but it’s long enough that Maddie has come outside and gotten into the passenger seat and is now gently squeezing his hand in an attempt to break him out of his stupor. It takes a second but his breathing finally slows and he meets her eyes.
“Mads” he whispers, his face crumbling.
“Oh Evan,” Maddie whispers, her eyebrows arching in the way they always do when she’s worried about him, “what’s going on, talk to me.”
“I-I fucked up,” He whispers, looking away from her in shame.
“How?” Maddie asks gently, “what happened?”
“I- with Eddie, I-” He says in between shuddering breaths.
“Did you guys fight?” Maddie asks, worry clouding her face increasingly more.
“No, no, I- no he-” Buck takes a deep breath, “He asked me to move in with him Mads. And I just- I mean I ran out, and he’s been texting and calling and I haven’t been answering, I’m-I’m terrible Maddie, I’ve ruined everything.”
“Oh, Buck,” She says, her face softening, “First: I don’t think you’ve ruined anything, he loves you so much, he knows you were anxious, he called me and I let him know you were safe and okay, he didn’t seem angry or upset with you, just worried. Second: You’re not terrible Buck, you were panicking, you did what you felt like you had to for yourself in the moment.”
“I don’t know- its stupid, I shouldn’t be, I don’t know- I don’t know why I-I’m freaking out this bad. Well, no. I do- I, Maddie, I love him so much, I can’t fuck this up. You know?” he shakes his head, how could maddie not see that he’s in the wrong, that he’s acting irrationally and selfishly as always, that he’d effectively ruined his most important romantic relationship yet .
“It’s not stupid, that’s a big thing, moving in with someone,” Maddie squeezes his hand, “What makes you think you’d mess it up?”
“I just- god Mads I’m gonna sound crazy,” he shakes his head again, squeezing his eyes shut, “I just I love him like so much, you know? And moving in with him, taking that step? I just- every relationship I’ve ever been in, I've messed it up, you know? And it’s always me- no, Maddie it really is, I’m the common denominator, you’ve, you’ve seen it. I’ve driven them all away, hell, Abby moved to a different country to get away from me, and I mean, you know I was always just too much for Tommy, and-and the others? I fucked all of them up too. It was me, it was all me, I think- I think I’m just destined to be alone, you know? Damaged goods and all that, I get too clingy, too-too much. And- and things with Eddie, they’ve, they’ve been great, you know? So far. But Maddie, I’ve been, I’ve been doing everything I can to make it — dating me — easy on him, you know? I’ve been letting him make all the moves, not asking anything of him, being you know, less Buck. But-but moving in with him? I won’t be able to keep it all up, he’ll see how it is to be with me, like fully me, and Maddie, he’ll hate it. I know- I know he’s not, you know, Tommy, like he actually, I mean at least I think, he cares about me, he doesn’t treat me like- like a child the way he did, like my-my emotions are a game, he sees me, and he god, he knows me better than anyone, but Mads, I- I was, childish and too clingy when I dated Tommy, and-and I learned from it, you know? I’ve been better for Eddie, but I just, I know I’ll fall back into old habits and just ruin-ruin everything if I move in with him. And-and Eddie, he isn’t like Tommy, he won’t tell me when I’m being stupid or annoying or childish, he won’t want to hurt me, he’s too good, too kind, I don’t deserve it- but-but he’ll grow to resent me, you know, regret everything. I just know it Maddie, and he is so important to me, he’s it for me Mads, I just, I don’t know how to not fuck this up. I don’t know how to just be normal, be in a happy relationship, I don't know how to act, and I know- I know if I keep making myself- smaller, you know, I’ll start to resent him, even though it's not his fault, it’s all me. I just, Mads, what do I do?”
When Buck finally opens his eyes he realizes Maddie’s eyes are filled with tears, “Mads- are you okay, what-”
“I always hated Tommy,” Maddie admits, shaking her head, “I hated the way he talked to you, treated you like dating you wasn’t the best thing that’s ever happened in his pathetic life. Him calling you childish? I mean- he was pushing 30 when you were born, Evan. I don’t think- anyways. Buck, one of- maybe your best quality is how much you love the people you care about; you have always been just, so loving, and kind and good, and you deserve someone who sees that, and appreciates that. And, well, clearly, no one you’ve dated— aside from Eddie —see that, or appreciate it, especially not Tommy,”
She says his name with such vitriol Buck almosts laughs,
“I hate that he made you think that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way you are, with the way that you love. And, for the record: Eddie loves you, and he’s been worried about you. He made me promise I wouldn’t say anything, because he didn’t want to make you feel bad . But, he can tell that you’ve been making yourself smaller, that you haven’t been yourself- since you’ve started dating, he’s been asking for advice on how to help you see that he loves you, all of you, everything about you. And god Buck, he really does love you so much. I don’t think that there is a single thing you could do, aside from maybe like, I don’t know, killing Chris-”
“I would never do that,” Buck cuts her off, offended that she would even bring up such an idea.
“No, no, Buck, I know. That’s my point, I don’t think there’s anything that you could- or would ever do that would ruin things with Eddie, or make him resent you,” She shakes her head, “He looks at you like you hung the moon, Buck. Between you and me, I think he’s been in love with you for years- about as long as you have with him.”
“Maddie, I- what- I haven’t” Buck splutters, his face turning red.
“Right,” Maddie deadpans, rolling her eyes, “Anyways Buck, my point is, Eddie knows you, and loves you for you. He doesn’t want you to mold into some idea he has of like this perfect man- the way Tommy did- because you are perfect to him- for him. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Buck nods his head, a small smile cracking the bewildered expression on his face.
“And I’m not telling you that you should move in with him- if that’s not something you’re ready for. I just, he loves you so much Buck. Every part of you, and that’s what you deserve, seeing you with him,” She tears up again, “God, Evan, seeing you with him just, makes me so happy, I’ve never wanted anything more than for you to end up with someone who sees you and loves you the way that you are, and that’s Eddie, I’ve known it for years. Evan, please don’t deprive yourself of such a great love because Tommy made you believe that you’re unworthy of it.”
It’s Buck’s turn to tear up, “well, when you put it like that,” he jokes,
Maddie rolls her eyes playfully.
“I should, I should talk to him, huh?” Buck asks, the question is more rhetorical than anything else.
“Yeah, I think that’d be good,” Maddie says softly, glancing out to the street, “Maybe like, now, if that’s something you’re up for.”
“Like, you think I should drive back to his house?” Buck asks, “Mads, he’s probably asleep by now.”
“I don’t, I don’t think that’s true,” Maddie says, nodding her head up the street.
Buck follows her line of sight to see Eddie sitting in his car, anxiously tapping the steering wheel.
“Oh,” he says, “yeah, no, i’ll-i’ll talk to him now.”
“Okay, yeah, you got this, okay?” Maddie says, “Just remember he’s Eddie, he knows you, he loves you,” she adds, squeezing Buck’s hand reassuringly before climbing out of the car and giving Eddie a thumbs up.
Eddie jumps out of his car and practically runs over to Buck as soon as he’s given the okay from Maddie.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says as he takes the seat Maddie had just vacated, “I shouldn’t have- I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Eddie-”
“I should have brought it up at a different time, made it less casual, made sure you were ready, I just-”
“Eddie!” Buck cut him off, “I do- want to move in with you, Eddie, more than you know,”
Eddie’s eyes widen, Buck continues, “Please, don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was just, I am- just, really in my head about all of this. And, I’m the one- who should be sorry, for running out like that.”
“Buck, no, don’t apologize, I was, I was just worried about you,” Eddie shakes his head, “also, sorry, by the way, for kind of following you here, I just wanted to know that you were okay, I don’t want you to make you feel like we have to have this conversation now, if you’re not ready.”
“No, no, Eddie, honestly, it’s kind of sweet,” Buck smiles at him, Tommy would never have even considered that his brain supplies.
“Anyways, I want to, I don’t know, explain, if you’ll let me,” Buck says.
“Of course,” Eddie says.
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable, at all,” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand, “I was- overwhelmed, sure, but-but it wasn’t you. I think- there’s-there’s something, a lot of things really, I need to work on, especially in terms of relationships,”
Buck takes a deep breath before continuing, “I think, I have this idea in my head that I’m just, prone to ruining everything, like there’s a quality… about me that just… ruins all of my relationships, you know? Like I think that part of me is just… unlovable I guess,”
“Buck, you’re not-” Eddie cuts in.
“No, no Eddie, let me finish, okay?” Buck cuts him off and Eddie nods.
“I think the reason why I freaked out so badly, when you asked me to move in, was because I am just so afraid of losing you. Eddie, you are the most important person in my life, and I really feel like I’ve found my place with you, you just, you see me, you know? and you always know what to do and say and you’re just, so good to me, and I feel like I just don’t deserve it. And-and… sorry to bring him up, but during my entire relationship with Tommy-”
Eddie scowls at the name.
“he just kind of made me feel like my emotions were an imposition, like all the time. He would just call me clingy, or immature, or like, I don’t know, a whole host of other things and I think that in some way, our whole relationship was like just some game to him,” Buck shakes his head, “anyways, my point is: while I realize now, it’s unfounded in-in reality- with you, I think there’s a fear that if-if I let myself be me around you; which i would have to be eventually if I moved in- though I guess I always have been me around you, as your friend, I’m afraid that you’ll start to resent me the way he did. And believe me, it’s not because of anything you’ve said or done, it’s just, I think he and all my other exes, and even my parents, honestly, have hammered into me this-this idea that i’m too much, you know? That loving me is a chore. And Eddie, I don't want to lose you. And I just- I don’t know how to be happy with someone, you know? And I don’t want to ruin this thing between us because it’s everything, Eddie. You… and Chris… you guys are everything to me. And it would kill me if I messed this up. And I guess, some part of me is just convinced that if I let all of my walls down, that I’ll do it, the way I did with Tommy. I mean, god, I think he hated me by the end of that relationship. And you hating me would kill me Eddie, you know? I’m sorry to make this all about me, I just can’t, I don’t know what to say, I just- Eddie I love you so much and I want to be with you forever and I just-”
Something unreadable flashes across Buck’s face, he shouldn’t, he can’t, this could ruin everything, but it’s Eddie. He has to. He takes a deep breath in and squeezes his eyes shut, “Marry me, Eddie.”
“Okay,” Eddie says, as if it’s the easiest, most obvious thing in the world.
The tension drops from Buck’s shoulders “Okay? Sorry that was out of nowhere, and we don’t have to, I just-”
“Buck stop, listen to me,” Eddie cuts him off, “I would love nothing more than to marry you. You’re it for me Buck, in case I haven’t made it clear to you. And respectfully, no actually, disrespectfully, fuck Tommy. He never deserved you, and it breaks my heart that he made you feel like you’re difficult to love. I love you so much Buck. It’s the easiest thing in the world, loving you. I can’t even imagine, treating it like a chore, god. Buck, you are everything good in this world, and I will always be here with you, and love you, and there is nothing, nothing , you could or would ever do that would change that. I mean honestly Buck, I’ve wanted to propose to you since before we even started dating, I’m a little mad that you got to it first, to be honest,”
“Oh, no, I’m-I’m Sorry,” Buck says earnestly, looking down at his lap.
“God, no, Buck, I’m joking, I’m kidding,” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand,
“Look at me Buck,” he waits until Buck’s teary eyes finally meet his own, “You are the most important person in the world to me, well second only to Christopher, and I know you’d say the same, which is one of the reasons why I love you so much. You have put my son- our son honestly- first, above even yourself, for the entire time you’ve known him Buck. I mean how could I possibly not be so deeply in love with you it hurts.”
“Our?” Buck asks, hopefully.
“Our.”
Buck breaks out into the biggest grin Eddie thinks he’s ever seen.
“Buck, I need you to talk to me when you feel like this, okay, I want to carry it with you, be with you. Your feelings couldn’t be less of an imposition to me. You give everyone else so much grace and support, and you deserve the same. I care about you, so much, and I want you to be happy in our relationship, I don’t want you to feel like you need to make yourself smaller for me. I love everything about you Buck, I mean it, Everything. I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t be yourself around me, that Tommy, and Abby, and whoever else, and god, even your own parents , made you feel like you were unworthy of love. Buck you’re the best person I’ve ever known. Everyone who loves you is so lucky that they get to. My point is: Yes, I will marry you, yes, I love you so much it physically hurts, no, I could never be mad at you for being so anxious about this, I understand. I do. I love you, Evan, I do.”
“I love you so much Eds,” Buck says through tears, unable to really say much else.
Eddie leans over the central console, gently kissing Buck before pulling away, his hands staying cradled around Buck’s face, “Can I propose to you again, later?” he asks, “I had this whole plan and everything, I wasn’t really expecting this,” he adds.
“Of course,” Buck says, smiling, he thinks this might be the happiest he’s ever been.
"Did you know that Maddie hates Tommy too?" Buck asks.
"Dude, we all do, come on now," Eddie replies.
"Really?"
"Dude, duh."