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GG: so, remember john. you have to step through the portal at exactly the right time. that way lord english won’t know what’s going on, and you can set the trap.
GG: are you still sure about this?
John nodded, knowing that Jade could likely see him, being a space witch and whatnot. He looked at the green shimmery portal in front of him.
EB: of course. somebody has to do it. i mean, it’s dangerous, but everything will probably be fine.
GG: …
John frowned at the ellipses. He decided it was best to ignore it, since they were on a tight schedule.
EB: i’m putting up a timer on my cosbymuffs. you said go in 3 minutes, right?
GG: yeah. exactly three minutes from…
GG: …
GG: now!
John started the timer.
EB: okay! i’ll be ready!
GG: good luck, john! and get back safe!
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
Before John could even take a breath, another message popped up on Pesterchum.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG sent file DEARJOHN.mp4
CG: DOWNLOAD THAT FILE AND WATCH IT
EB: kinda busy, dude. gotta go save the world.
CG: SHUT UP, NOOK-STAIN
CG: I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. I’M PAST KARKAT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE, BUT NOT SO FAR IN THE PAST THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
CG: CURRENT ME IS KIND OF BUSY SO I’M DOING HIS DIRTY WORK FOR HIM.
CG: I’M SENDING THIS TO YOU AT THE TIME IT MAKES THE MOST SENSE CHRONOLOGICALLY FOR YOU TO WATCH IT. IT’S NOT VERY LONG, SO YOU’LL STILL HAVE TIME TO BE A BIG DAMN HERO LATER ON.
EB: okay, but what’s it about?
CG: JUST WATCH THE VIDEO, OKAY?
EB: uh, ok.
EB: i guess i need something to keep me occupied for the next two and a half minutes anyway.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
John opened the video. It looked a bit longer than he had time for, but he guessed he could at least start watching it.
Karkat’s face filled John’s holo-screen. He messed with whatever he was filming with before starting to talk.
“Dear John,” he said, before frowning. “God, that sounds way too fucking dramatic. And I’ve studied your Earth romances and apparently a ‘Dear John’ letter is supposed to be a means of breaking off a relationship. Which I guess this kind of is in a way, but… Not in the same way.”
John frowned at the video. What was he talking about?
“See, actually, what I wanted to tell you is… I’m in love with you.” Karkat bit his lip, and his cheeks turned unmistakably red. “And just to be clear here, I’m not talking about the human disease of friendship kind of love. And I’m not even talking about troll romance here, believe it or not. As much as I liked to talk about it, I was never any good at quadrants. I want to call this full blown red quadrant pity, but at the same time it feels so much different than that. I don’t even know how to describe it, so I guess I’ll just call it human love. It sounds stupid as shit, but I don’t even care, because I am completely horns over heels for you, John.”
John stared in shock at his screen. Whatever he had been expecting, this hadn’t been it.
“And because people do stupid things when they’re flushed, that’s why I’m doing this. If I’ve timed everything right—and I’m pretty sure I have—in about… 3… 2… 1… your portal will dissolve.”
John whipped around to see the green portal next to him fizzle out. John jumped over to where it used to be to find nothing but useless air. “What?” he whispered to himself.
“You probably want to know how I did that, but that’s not important. What’s important is why. Because well… I know you and Harley are being all optimistic about it, but let’s face it: Whoever sets the trap for English might as well be committing suicide. Even if they’re Godtier, because self-sacrifice is pretty goddamned heroic.
“And so… I’m not going to let you go through with it. Because this universe needs you. I think a universe without you in it would be a complete shithole. But this universe can definitely do with less me.”
“What?” John shouted at the screen.
“I’m going to set up the trap, and well… I think we all know it’s a one-way trip. So, consider the rest of this video the final words of Karkat Vantas. You’re the only one I sent something to, so you should feel pretty fucking honored right now. And actually… if you could tell everyone else I said goodbye, and that I’m sorry for pretty much everything I ever did, that would be cool.”
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
EB: jade
EB: jade!
EB: jade, you’ve got to make me a new portal! karkat did something to the old one!
EB: he’s trying to go after english himself!
EB: he’s going to die!!
EB: JAAAAAAAADE!!!!!!!!
John started flicking through Pesterchum. Jade wasn’t responding. There was no way Dave could do anything, and he would outright refuse to change the timeline and risk making a doomed offshoot. Maybe Rose would know what to do? But everyone was in positions, waiting to do what had to be done.
Everyone but John.
Karkat sighed on-screen. “You’re probably panicking right now and trying to find a way to stop me. It’s not going to work, because obviously if you’re still watching this my plan is actually going a lot better than anything else I’ve ever tried to do. I guess my true calling in life is pulling off suicide missions. Go fucking figure, right?
“Anyway, it’s just logical that I go and die, you know? I mean other than the fact that I’m a mutant failure, I’m also not even Godtier, and as far as who should be sacrificing themselves goes, a living Godtier Heir of Breath has to be worth way more than a Knight of Blood. Besides, you’re the heroic one. Everyone fucking knows it. I’m not. I’m cluckbeast shit.
“And then, bringing us back to my first point, is the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you. And let’s just be honest here, because there’s no reason to beat around the bush if I’m dead when you watch this… You’re not homosexual. I still don’t think that’s a thing, but… apparently it is for you and that’s an issue. You’re never going to be as crazy for me as I am for you. I mean… maybe you’ll miss me when I’m dead, but it’ll be as your friendleader or palhoncho or whatever stupid thing you want to call it today. I mean, when I’m gone, and you think about the future we might have had together, it’ll probably just be you imagining us going around and pulling your stupid pranks, and maybe giving each other brofists.
“But, if I had to live in a universe where you were dead, and paradox space—in some huge lapse in judgment—decided to let me live, I’d be left wondering about a completely different potential future. Like, would we just keep being friends? Would we go on to live out perfect lives like in the movies? Maybe our life would become a romcom as you slowly started to realize that heterosexuality isn’t a thing and that maybe we could be happy together. And maybe you’d finally get over yourself and we’d have this amazing kissing scene where we run out into the middle of the road in the middle of the worst rainstorm ever, and kiss like everything is perfect in the world.
“Maybe we’d do one of those weird human wedding rituals. In spring, outside, but at night with a bunch of candles and lanterns everywhere. And a bunch of crazy quirky things would go wrong, like probably Jane would use a box mix for the wedding cake, and you’d flip out. But everything would turn out okay in the end, and eventually we’d buy a hive in the suburbs and maybe get a barkbeast or something.”
Karkat looked down at his feet.
“Jegus, it’s a good thing I’m about to go on a suicide mission, or else I’d really be embarrassed to admit that I think about all of that.”
John tried the last think he could think of.
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
EB: karkat!
EB: karkat, stop!
EB: don’t do this!
“The thing is, John,” the video version of Karkat continued, “I know you wouldn’t be happy with all that. And… actually that’s perfectly fine. You should get the happily ever after end of this bargain. If one of us can, you can.”
EB: karkat, you’re wrong!
EB: karkat, i
EB: i don’t really know what to say here.
EB: i mean this video of yours is talking some seriously heavy emotions, and i can’t really process this because of the fact that you’re, you know, TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF
“So, maybe you’ll go back to your homeplanet. And I hope you find some nice human female that can put up with your shitty taste in movies and your stupid messy hair and your retarded buckteeth and your eyes that are so blue that they make the Skaian sky look dull… Wait, what am I even talking about? Fuck. I guess getting ready to die makes me some sort of rambling fuckwit.”
EB: karkat, i don’t want to, i dunno, say anything that i don’t mean just because your life is on the line.
EB: that would be pretty fucked up, even though i would say basically anything right now to get you to stop this.
EB: but seriously, dude…
EB: there are definitely feelings that i have that i don’t think you’re taking into account…
EB: even if… i don’t even really know what they are…
“Anyway, I hope you settle down in some normal human heterosexual relationship, and maybe you’ll even have some wrinkly, pink human wrigglers together. Maybe you could even name one after your dead palhoncho? Actually, no, never mind. Karkat sounds like a really stupid name for a human, considering the synonyms in your language. Beep, beep, meow and all that.”
EB: but just basically… you’re completely wrong about pretty much everything…
“Just… the real point is… have a good life, John. I want you to have an awesome life and live to whatever age is super old for your species. In fact, I’m ordering you, right now, to do that. Live to a really, really old age until you’re wrinkly and gray, and until such a time that you are too old to legally have fun, I want you to have the best life ever. I’m ordering you to do this not only as the person who’s saving your life, but also as your god. I created you, I’m saving you, and in return all you have to do is have a happy ending, okay?”
EB: DAMN IT, KARKAT! I CAN’T HAVE A HAPPY ENDING IF YOU’RE DEAD!!!!!!!!
“I don’t really know how to end this video so… Basically, fuck you, John Egbert. You’re a goddamn idiot that makes my bloodpusher go fucking nuts. And I can’t help but love the shit out of you. So, you know what. That’s my dying thought right there. I am going to die smiling, thinking about what an attractive moron you are, and you and your bullshit views on romance can’t fucking stop me… Anyway, bye… Maybe I’ll see you in dream bubble or something.”
With a bit of a halfhearted wave, the video ended.
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
GG: oh no! D:
EB: jade! send me to where karkat is!
GG: … john, i think it’s too late.
EB: NO! i won’t believe that!
EB: send me to where karkat is!
GG: … :(
GG: wait!
GG: o:
EB: what?
EB: jade, what’s going on?
GG: hold please.
EB: what????????
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
John’s head whipped around when he heard some kind of electrical crackling. Another green portal opened. John wondered for a moment if he should jump through it, when someone else came barreling through.
“SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHI—”
The cursing figure flew through the portal and straight into John, and both went tumbling to the ground. The portal instantly snapped shut.
John looked up at the person that had bowled him over and had to blink to make sure he was seeing this right. It was a very familiar troll, now with a new set of red butterfly wings.
“Karkat!!” John wrapped his arms around the troll’s neck.
Karkat propped himself up on his arms, pulling them both into a half sitting position, and his face turned the same shade of red as his wings. “Oh for fuck’s sake, of course this where Harley sent me. Never mind that I just died, then learned how to fly just in time outrun the Angel of Double-Death before he could double kill me. Yeah, no, just drop me off with the first person I have unresolved emotional issues with. Great fucking job, Harley.”
John looked into Karkat’s eyes just to make sure they weren’t all empty and ghosty, and was relieved to see the perfectly normal yellow, angry ones intact.
“You died?” John asked, still not letting go of the troll’s neck.
“Yeah, fun fact. Apparently there’s a Hero of Blood Quest Bed just lying around in the Outer Ring for seriously no fucking reason. It’s like whatever forces designed this fucking game had no concept of logical fucking design and—”
Karkat was cut off by John kissing him. He hummed in confusion.
“What the fuck, John?”
John shrugged. “Dude, I’ve been sitting here freaking out over you going all hero mode and trying to save my ass! And when the hero survives and saves the day against all odds, he’s totally supposed to get the girl at the end. Wait, I didn’t mean to call myself a girl… Uh…”
“John… what are you talking about?”
“I think that… maybe… I love you too, dude. But maybe we could just like, I dunno, talk and watch movies and let me get used to being in homos with you. And I dunno, maybe instead of a dog we could get a cat or a rabbit or something. That would be pretty boss.”
Karkat blinked. “Wait, are you trying to tell me—in the most asinine and backwards way possible—that I succeeded in saving your life, managed to get Godtier, and not only did you watch my I-think-I’m-going-to-die-confession, but you actually don’t hate me for it, and you return the feelings?”
John nodded.
“I must be dead, because this is completely in conflict with how shitty my life is supposed to be…”
John kissed him again, and the two of them toppled over.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board K4RKL3S G3TS TH3 G1RL
CGC: H3H3H3H3H3
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: what? what are you talking about?
CGC: COM3 S33 FOR YOURS3LF COOLK1D. >:]
CTG: i don’t want to go look at your spit covered screen…
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: aww, theyre so cute!
CGG: yay! :D
CTG: you’re in on this too, jade?
CGC: G1V3 1N TO YOUR CUR1OSITY, D4V3
CTG: fine
CTG: holy shit
CTG: damn. are they kissing or is vantas trying to eat his face off? i can’t tell
CGC: BOTH. 1T 1S TOO ROM4NT1C TO ONLY B3 ON3 OR TH3 OTH3R
CGG: aww, now karkat’s licking him
CGG: wait, now whats he doing… :/
CTG: tz, do you have a record feature on here?
CTG: we should capture this moment for xeno couples gone wild
CTG: shit, vantas moves quick
CGG: …maybe we all shouldn’t be watching this, guys…
CGC: *R3C0RDS* >;]
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: I would just like to point out that, while this catharsis may be pleasurable, we do in fact have larger issues at hand.
CTT: Such as saving the universe we are all currently inhabiting.
CGC: P4RTY POOP3R. >:[
Karkat found himself lying on his back, his wings spread out underneath him, with the derpiest human in the known universe spread out on top of him. John was still giggling like an idiot, and lowered his head so that their noses were touching. Karkat begrudged his own inability to quit smiling, and reached up to tangle his hands in the human’s wild hair.
“You know, we should probably get up and save the universe now,” John whispered.
Karkat nodded. “Yeah, probably… one more kiss though.”
John couldn’t argue with his co-friendleader’s sound reasoning.