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Age 17
Several months into their relationship, and Ryuji still couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. They’d stroll through Shibuya hand in hand, and he’d abruptly stop, causing Yusuke to stumble back at his side.
“I have a girlfriend.”
“Oh? And who exactly is this ‘girlfriend’ of yours?” she replied with a knowing smile. “Have we met?”
Realizing how silly he sounded, Ryuji flushed a little as he played along. “Uh, y-yeah, I think so. Tall, blue hair, smart, super talented artist, unbelievably pretty—” He received a bashful chuckle in response. “Ring any bells?”
“Hmm…” Yusuke pursed her lips, pretending to be lost in thought. “Sounds familiar.”
“I’m sure you’d remember if I introduced you—she’s impossible to forget. I honestly dunno what she sees in me.”
“Well, perhaps your girlfriend also finds you rather intelligent, talented, and pretty. Perhaps she wonders, sometimes, how she managed to find someone so incredible, and how it’s possible he feels the same way about her.”
They continued walking, letting the words hang in the air. Ryuji recalled something Yusuke said on the evening they confessed. “Perhaps that is preferable, reassuring even, if the person you’re with is equally as afraid as you are.”
Dating wouldn’t magically wash away their insecurities, but Ryuji had never been so open about them, either, and he found comfort in this ease of vulnerability.
*****
Age 24
It was Yusuke who proposed.
Ryuji had planned to himself; he’d even discussed the specifics of when, where, and how with Mei. But, as always, they were one step ahead of him.
They treated their boyfriend to a meal at Ogikubo (thanking Ryuji for the countless times he’d helped them out as a broke, lonely teen), then led him back to their apartment for a “surprise”. And Yusuke’s surprises truly were just that—wholly unpredictable and exciting.
When they got down on one knee, Ryuji’s suddenly stopped working.
“Holy shit,” he whispered, and Yusuke cocked their head to the side, not sure what to make of his reaction. “Holy shit, Yu. This is for real, right…? This ain’t a dream…?”
“I could pinch you, if you’d like.”
“No, no, I’m good. I just… wow.” He took a seat before his body decided that for him. “You- you beat me to it.”
“You’d made preparations as well…?” Ryuji turned the tables, leaving Yusuke equally stunned. “For how long?”
“Like six months, maybe more. Mom was in on it, too—prolly the only thing keepin’ me from spillin’ the beans. I was gonna do it after finals week, actually.”
“After finals week…” Their smile twitched, and the tears started flowing. “Sorry, I-I should’ve practiced composing myself first. You were really going to propose…?”
“Yusuke, babe, you’re literally holdin’ the ring box. It’s your question to ask, not mine.”
“Y-yes, of course.” With a deep exhale, they opened the box; wrapped in blue velvet and small enough to hide inside their coat pocket. “Sakamoto Ryuji, will you marry me?”
Now it was Ryuji’s turn to cry, making Yusuke even more emotional. He nodded profusely, wiping snot across his sleeve. Real sexy, Mr. Future Husband.
Yusuke reached for Ryuji’s trembling hand, sliding the ring on. “I’ve never—sniff—been more certain about something than I am of our future together. Before I—sniff—met you, I didn’t- I didn’t think I’d get the chance to grow old, let alone in company.” They kissed the ring, then the finger it adorned. “I—sniff—I want to grow old with you, Ryuji.”
“I wanna grow old with you, too.”
They took a moment to exhaust their tears, filling the silence with sniffles and sighs.
Ryuji snickered into the crook of Yusuke’s neck, red and warm from the sudden burst of adrenaline. “You’re gonna be the coolest old lady ever.”
“And you will likely dress and act exactly the same, and I love you for that.”
“Hell yeah I will.” Ryuji brought the ring—his ring—up to the ceiling light, admiring its simplicity. “I’m surprised you didn’t have somethin’ more elaborate planned.” Might wanna rephrase that. “Um- I mean- I’m not, like, disappointed! Not at all! You’re just usually so, y’know, extra.” Stop talkin’. For the love of Lavenza, please stop talkin’. “I’m not makin’ this sound any better, am I…?”
“You’re fine,” they replied, waving him off. “And I briefly considered doing it at Ogikubo, but public proposals really don’t appeal to me much. They only put pressure on the other person to accept. I’ve made similar mistakes in the past, ones I certainly won’t repeat.”
“Yu, I was obviously gonna say yes. We’ve been together for seven years.” He peppered kisses along the scar on their collarbone. “I love you more than anythin’.”
“Some people aren’t comfortable with the structural concept of marriage,” they countered. “I didn’t want to assume you were. Frankly, as long as you’re here, I’m content.”
Ryuji hummed in agreement, still staring at his ring. “Woah. I have a fiancé.”
“And who might that be? Am I a friend of theirs?”
“You’d know ‘em when you saw ‘em. Beautiful voice, eyes you could get lost in, infectious laugh, gorgeous. Oh, and they’re workin’ toward their teachin’ license, so the world’ll soon be lucky enough to share their passion with ‘em.”
“The person you’re describing, they sound a lot like my own fiancé.”
“They do?”
“Yes. His spirit is unmatched, and his beauty nay indescribable. Any team with him as their coach is sure to take gold every time.” They paused, tapping a ringed finger against their chin. “The correct term is ‘taking gold’, correct?”
“Heh, you got it.”
*****
Age 25
“Dude.”
“What?” Ren noticed Ryuji fumbling with his tie and nudged his hands out of the way. “Watch me, okay? Then copy my movements.”
“You make it look too easy.”
“It is easy, you’re just nervous.”
Ren finished, before (much to Ryuji’s dismay) releasing the tie and stepping back for his friend to try. Ryuji attempted one, two, three times, eventually giving up with a defeated huff. “Can’t you just do it?”
“I wanted you to focus on something else for a while. Something you can control.”
“Is this therapy-speak for ‘You’re spiralin’, Ryuji?’”
“In no uncertain terms, yes.”
There was no one Ryuji would rather have at his side right now than Ren. His best friend, his best man, the first person to hear of the Kamoshida scandal and truly understand him. Ryuji knew, deep down, that Ren had only ever done what’s best for him, even as he fought back the urge to crumple up the tie and toss it in the bin.
Yusuke, meanwhile, was almost certainly having her own mini-breakdown across the building, judging by Ren’s constant communications with the maid of honor. Ryuji trusted Ann to keep her afloat, but that helpless feeling remained. If I can hardly tie a simple knot without freakin’ out, what could I possibly do for her?
“What’s on your mind? Because it clearly isn’t that tie.” Ren redid and undid the knot once more, slower.
“I have a fiancé,” Ryuji replied, dazed. “And in under an hour, I’ll be her husband. Yusuke’s gonna be my wife, Ren-Ren. I’m gettin’ married. This ain’t just my moment, it’s hers. I’m afraid I’ll mess it up, ‘specially in front of everyone.” He tried the tie again, finding a bit more success this time. Ren made some minor adjustments, then gave him the thumbs-up.
“There. Feel any better?”
“Huh. Now that you mention it, yeah, I kinda do.”
Ren tucked the tie into Ryuji’s suit jacket, clipping his mom’s floral broach to the side. “Even if things aren’t ‘perfect’ in the end—if it rains, or you forget your vows, or Yusuke trips down the aisle—the actual ceremony pales in comparison to your feelings for each other. You love her, and she loves you, and that’s all that matters. Didn’t she say she’d be happy with anything, so long as you were together?”
“Point taken.” He tugged at his collar. “Thanks, man.”
Ren’s phone buzzed, and he stepped out to take it.
“She’s trying to do what with her bangs?”
Ryuji rolled his eyes. That’s my future wife, alright.
*****
Later that evening…
“Woah.”
“Hmm…?” Yusuke mumbled, body draped over his in a tangle of sheets.
“I have a wife.”
“You do…?” She leaned into Ryuji’s touch as he braided small parts of her hair. “Congratulations, Ryuji. I recently married the love of my life, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Have you two met before?”
“Maybe. What’s he like?”
“Well, for starters, he hates suits, and when he dropped his cue cards, I noticed a crude doodle of us kissing—” Ryuji let out an embarrassed groan, shoving a pillow over his face. “And he caused my makeup to run—makeup, mind you, that Ann spent hours perfecting—because he simply had to write the most beautiful vows I’ve ever heard. The audacity.”
“Damn. Sounds like a total loser.”
Yusuke lifted her head, narrowing her eyes. “I know we’re doing a ‘bit’ right now, but I’m going to need clarification if you’re joking or not.”
“I am… kinda. Ren gave me the whole ‘She’ll love you no matter what’ pep talk, and I ain’t sayin’ you don’t, I just… couldn’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout how outta place I was there.”
“Ryuji—”
“It’s not your fault! I did it to myself. Like, ‘Who’s this guy tryin’a be? She put in all this effort preparin’ for today, and he didn’t even memorize his vows.’”
“Ryuji. Love. I didn’t memorize them, either. Ann slipped notes into my bouquet.”
“You- huh?”
“Do not be mistaken. I was overjoyed seeing our friends all gathered together again.” Yusuke worried the braids between her fingers. “However, I spent most of the afternoon fretting over details, and my capacity for socialization drained rather quickly. To tell you the truth… I’m glad it’s done. I much prefer a peaceful night in with you, instead.”
“So we were both outta our element, huh?”
“It appears that way.”
“Huh. I know it’s beside the point, but you still looked great, even with your makeup runnin’. Ann really nailed the colors of your kimono.”
“Mmm, she did, didn’t she?” She loomed over him, hair tickling his cheeks, fingers leaving her braids to entwine with his own. “Now, if we’re discussing looks, you had me swooning from the second I stepped out. It took the will of your mother not to rush down the aisle. ‘Skip the niceties—let me marry you now.’”
Ryuji rotated her words inside his head. “Holy shit, Yu. I’m married.”
“You are~”
“You’re married.”
“I am~”
“To me.”
“Correct~”
Ryuji reburied his face in the pillow. “I’m… gonna go to bed now. Sleep’ll make me normal again. I think.”
“I shall follow your lead.”
*****
The morning after…
“Holy shit, Yu.”
“Hngh…? Whassa matter…?”
“I have a wife.”
“Go back to sleep, Ryuji…”
*****
Age 27
Ryuji awoke to the sensation of covers tossed aside, leaving him shivering and confused.
A pained, youthful cry, and the untucked bedding was dragged to the floor as Yusuke practically tumbled out of bed. He darted into the bathroom like an animal released from its cage, muttering incoherently to himself all the while.
“Guh… huh…” Yusuke knocked something off the counter in his mad dash for whatever sort of clarity he was seeking. “No… no… NO—”
“Yusuke? Yusuke, hey, I’m here.” He cautiously stepped toward the door. “We’re in our bedroom, in the house we’ve lived in for over a year now. You- you’re 27 years old, and I’m your husband, and you’re my wife, and—”
The door swung open. Yusuke’s eyes were bloodshot, face red and coated in a thin layer of sweat. Ryuji couldn’t remember the last time he had a nightmare this bad.
“Ryuji…?” Yusuke’s expression softened, letting his body fall against him as he gently lowered them both to the floor. He looked so small, huddled in Ryuji’s lap with his legs pulled to his chest. His bangs partly obscured the fear that broke his husband’s heart to see.
“I-I was still living in the atelier,” Yusuke began, and Ryuji rubbed soothing circles onto his back. “And I clearly hadn’t left the place in years. I wore the same Kosei uniform, stained and baggy on my skeletal figure. I stepped through the floorboards, through cobwebs covering dusty copies of the Sayuri. They- they were all staring at me, eyes following wherever I went. I wanted to escape, but the front door had disappeared. Then my legs started moving on their own. I entered my old room, and…”
He trailed off, breathing becoming erratic. Ryuji turned on the bathroom light, hoping to separate him from his childhood prison.
“…and t-there he was, damn near mummified. He reached out to me, fingers rapidly turning to dust. Then- then he spoke.” As if possessed by Madarame himself, Yusuke’s voice suddenly lowered, sickly and sinister. “‘There will always be a part of me in everything you do,’ he said. Then I woke up.” Their eyes finally met. “What if I end up following in his footsteps? What if- what if, by having a child, I’m only dooming them to continue this horrible cycle…?”
Madarame had been dead for nearly a decade, yet his ghost (and all its chains) continuously found their way back to the girl.
“You already broke the cycle.” Ryuji brushed the soft blue hair aside, cupping his cheek. “Every day you spend with those kids—teachin’ ‘em how to express themselves through art, givin’ ‘em a healthy outlet for their emotions—you’re helpin’ break theirs, too.”
“You- you really think so…?”
“Our ten-year anniversary’s in a week. Ten years, Yusuke. I’ve loved you for ten years, and I’ll love you a lifetime more. When I say you’re gonna be the best mom a kid could ask for, I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.”
“And you,” Yusuke stroked the hand pressed to his cheek. “Will be the perfect dad.”
As they had done before—and as they would continue to do, as many times as it took—they let the silence settle their thoughts.
“We’re havin’ a kid, Yu,” Ryuji whispered.
“We are,” Yusuke replied, fidgeting in his lap. “I can hardly wait.”
*****
Age 28
Yusuke stood beside Megumi’s crib, shifting her weight from toe to sole as she gently rocked the sleeping baby. The soft glow of early morning sunlight streamed through the nursery’s cherry blossom curtains, crowning Yusuke’s tousled ponytail with a small halo. She wore a baggy red pajama shirt covered in day-old mashed peas and carrots. Megumi nestled like an egg within her mother’s arms, sleeves bunched up at the bundle’s head.
Ryuji had pulled up a chair after switching places with Yusuke, stretching out his braced leg. She hummed a sweet little tune he didn’t recognize, and he closed his eyes, hoping that would jog his memory.
An image, one he’d seen plenty of times before in Leblanc, flashed across his mind.
“Heh, you kinda look like the Sayuri right now.”
Yusuke stopped rocking. “The… Sayuri?”
“Yeah, just- hold that pose, okay?” Ryuji pulled out his phone and snapped a photo. “Uncanny, right?”
She stared at the image, mouth slightly agape. Then, without a word, she turned away, placing Megumi back in her crib. Ryuji watched as Yusuke firmly gripped the rails, shoulders trembling slightly. She was crying.
“Shit, ‘m sorry for bringin’ that up. I know it’s a sore subject for you.” Yusuke’s response was too quiet for him to understand. “Huh? What’d you say…?”
“I really do look just like her…”
Ryuji approached her, leaning against the crib. “To be completely honest, yeah, you do.”
“It’s- it’s as if you’ve caught a ghost on film. But this isn’t a ghost, nor a painting buried under years of deceit, it’s real.” Yusuke adjusted the swaddling blanket over Megumi. “In my desperate attempts to distance myself from him, I never stopped to consider that, perhaps… perhaps, I’ve become my mother, instead.” Shifting her attention from the baby to Ryuji, she added, “You know, you look a lot like your mother as well.”
“It’s in the eyes,” Ryuji concurred.
“Yes, and your demeaner. Mei made me feel welcome from the moment I first stepped foot in your apartment. When she smiles, you cannot help but smile with her.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” He laughed dryly. “Wow. We really spent years worryin’ ‘bout our dads, and it was our moms we ended up turnin’ into.”
“Two very admirable people, indeed. Ryuji?”
“Hmm?”
She bumped her forehead with his. “We have a daughter~”
“And I hope she turns out like the both of us.”