Work Text:
MEMO
Type: All-Eyes
From: Maria Hill
To: Clinton Barton
Copied: Nicholas Fury, Phillip Coulson
Agent Barton. It has recently come to Director Fury's attention, as well as my own, that you have, essentially, been allowed to roam free across the helicarrier causing mayhem and scaring the new recruits. This cannot be allowed to continue, therefore I have compiled a list of your unacceptable behaviour.
Read it, or I will take away Thor's poptarts and lock you in an Asgardian-proof room with him.
o1. Quinjets are expensive to replace. Please stop destroying them. On purpose.
o2. Just because Agent Coulson can literally use almost anything as a weapon does not mean you can. This means no starting food fights in the SHIELD galley to enact your revenge on Agent Barnes.
o3. Speaking of Agent Barnes, your petty prank war is ridiculous and must cease immediately. We still have not been able to remove the pink and purple glitter from Captain Rogers' shield.
o4. The new SHIELD recruits are not your minions. Minions aren't in your contract.
o5. Director Fury is not the "captain" of the helicarrier. Neither am I his first mate. Kindly refrain from calling us so.
o6. Director Fury does not appreciate you BeDazzling his eye patches.
o6a. There will be no further BeDazzling of Captain Rogers' cowl.
o6b. Or Agent Barnes' arm. I'm not sure how you managed this, but I am certain I do not want to know.
o6c. Or the quinjets.
o6d. There will be no further BeDazzling of anything on the helicarrier. At all.
o7. It is inappropriate to start wolf-whistling and cat-calling any time Captain Rogers or Agent Coulson bend over, thus you will refrain from doing so.
o8. The nest you have built in the vents is a safety hazard. Please get rid of it. Immediately.
o9. You are not bringing 'SexyBack', if I hear that song start playing when you walk into a room ever again I will take drastic measures.
1o. You are not allowed to 'spice up' your field SHIELD uniform.
1oa. More skin showing does not up your 'sexy factor', and is in direct disobedience of the SHIELD Handbook.
1ob. About the handbook; I know you have one. Read it. Or I will force you to listen to me read it to you cover-to-cover with no breaks.
11. You have a fairly high-level SHIELD clearance. There is no need to hack into the database with your fancy-schmancy Stark designed arrows just because you can.
12. There will be no more shooting arrows into walls right next to any SHIELD recruit's head. It is NOT funny, and we actually need them alive and fairly sane.
13. Please stop hiding recordings of you making animal noises all around the helicarrier and setting them on a randomized timer. You are depriving all of the recruits of any wits they may have had before joining SHIELD.
13a. No, Coulson did not enjoy the whale noises in his office.
13b. Your impression of a cricket is not considered white noise. I have figured out how you got in my quarters and I have ensured that you will never get in again.
14. The vents are not appropriate pathways. If I hear you in them one damn more time I will damage your precious bow beyond repair and it will not be pretty.
15. Refrain from wearing Hulk Hands and 'smashing' stuff while Dr. Banner is on board. I'm sure I don't have to remind you about the last time Hulk was on board and how Agent Echo nearly got squashed.
16. You are not an actual hawk, there will be no more adding wings to your costume. They are impractical and we are still finding cheap craft feathers all over the helicarrier, and I am sure this fact violates some health code.
16a. If I find out that it does violate a health code, I will tell Agent Coulson. You know what that man's Disappointed Face does to people.
17. Stop hiding Agent Sitwell's glasses. Don't argue with me, I know it's you.
18. The helicarrier is no place for actual birds. Stop bringing them aboard.
18a. Especially the parrots.
19. No one is impressed by your random evil cackling. It is an annoyance and every time you do so I dream of a world where you have no voice.
19a. It doesn't even sound evil, more like you're trying to choke up a hairball.
2o. Contrary to what you may believe, paperwork does indeed go past Coulson. Oftentimes it goes through me, then to Fury, until it finally reaches the Council. Stop drawing out your battles with stick figures and USE YOUR WORDS.
21. Director Fury does not care if the Hawkeye action figure looks nothing like you. He doesn't care, nor do I, and neither of us is going to go threaten the toy companies to get them to change it.
22. It is not acceptable to hook up the recruits to bungee cords and push them out the back of a quinjet. Why you ever decided this was a good idea in the first place is beyond me.
23. Stop humming the Mission Impossible theme into your comm during missions. Agent Coulson tries to keep your ass alive out there, and you being distracting does not help him.
24. There is not a pot of gold at the end of the Bifrost, stop asking Thor to show it to you.
25. Finally (for now), stop drawing all over the helicarrier's walls. Our cleaning crew does not get paid enough to scrub a picture of a unicorn off the galley walls.
I have printed this list out and posted it on every bulletin board on the carrier. I also informed Agent Romanoff of its existence and I'm sure I don't have to tell you what that means.
A similar file has been sent to Stark. I'm sure you two will want to giggle and compare notes. If you do, do so off SHIELD property.
Have a nice day.
-Agent Maria Hill, Second-in-Command.