Work Text:
MEMO
To: Anthony Stark
From: Maria Hill
Copied: Nicholas Fury, Phillip Coulson, Virginia Potts, James Rhodes, Steven Rogers
Stark. While I am aware that you are a billionaire genius that we outsource a lot of our work to, there are some behaviors not acceptable on government property.
Let's go over a few of them, shall we?
o1. We have security cameras. We KNOW when you arrive on board. There is no need for you to have your pet AI hack our systems and blast ACDC through the PA to announce your arrival.
o2. There will be no more antagonizing Thor to bring Loki back to Earth just so you can "do sciency-experimenty things" to him.
o3. Stop propositioning Captain Rogers in front of the recruits he trains. It is inappropriate and undermines his authority.
o3a. No that is not a metaphor.
o4. There will be no more explosions in the SHIELD labs just for the sake of causing explosions.
o5. It is not acceptable to print out pages of 50 Shades of Grey and plaster them all across the helicarrier.
o6. While I am aware that you and Dr. Banner are 'science buddies', it is rude to try to force him to turn into the Hulk.
o6a. If such an incident does happen, you are paying for the repairs. I'm sure Ms. Potts agrees with me.
o7. Please uninstall the mini-JARVIS you installed in Agent Lewis' taser.
o7a. By order of Agent Coulson, Director Fury, and myself.
o8. Margarita Mondays are not a thing on the helicarrier.
o8a. Neither are Topless Tuesdays.
o8b. If I hear you mention Sarcasm Saturdays one more time I am going to punch you in the face, even though that requires touching you.
o9. There is never going to be a National Iron Man day. Stop trying to make it happen, Director Fury despises resources being wasted.
1o. You are not allowed to condone or encourage or participate in Agent Barnes and Agent Barton's prank war.
11. JARVIS is not to be downloaded into any piece of SHIELD equipment without Director Fury's approval and Agent Coulson's signature.
11a. This includes the coffee maker in the galley.
12. The Avengers are not forming a boyband. Stop bringing it up.
12a. Ms. Potts has informed me that she is NOT creating a Stark record label no matter how many times you ask.
12b. We are not forming a SHIELD record label, either.
12c. You are a little too old to be in a boyband anyway.
13. The Council does not appreciate it when your paperwork comes in with lipstick kiss marks all over it.
14. Some of us have regular scheduled working hours. Please try to inform us at least three hours prior to any visit, instead of dropping in on us in your Iron Man suit out of nowhere.
15. You will cease to using the helicarrier as a hiding place when you don't want to go to SI meetings. We have better things to do then babysit your ass.
16. When it comes to Coulson, "Agent" is indeed his first name.
16a. There will be no deviations of the "Philly", "Philadelphia", "Philcakes", or "Boobear" varieties.
16b. He has a taser and he is not afraid to use it.
17. The helicarrier is not a storage facility for your scrap metal and spare parts. I believe you have at least one warehouse of your own.
18. Everyone knows who you are. There is no need to point it out to the SHIELD recruits every five seconds.
18a. Also, stop propositioning them or I will have your consultant's pass revoked and put you on the banned list.
19. If at any time you, Dr. Banner, and Dr. Foster decide to do science together, you must have it pre-approved by Coulson with at least three agents in the general vicinity.
19a. We do not want a repeat of The Green Slime Incident.
2o. Agent Lewis is not, and will never be, your new personal assistant.
2oa. Go find someone outside of SHIELD to hire.
21. We will not be installing an alcohol bar on the helicarrier.
21a. Neither will you.
22. You will NOT be getting your own batch of SHIELD recruits to train, you are not a SHIELD employee and thus are uneligible to do so.
22a. Please stop locking Agent Grey in a closet and stealing his recruits.
23. Stop taking Agent Coulson's trading cards hostage and replacing them with Pokemon cards. It's not funny.
24. Director Fury would like his standard-issue SHIELD coffee mug back. The eyepatch mug currently sitting on his desk is NOT ironic.
25. Finally (for now), please refrain from painting any of the quinjets Iron Man colors. Unlike you, we have a fairly strict budget and new paint is not in it.
Thank you.
-Agent Maria Hill, SHIELD Second-in-Command.