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It was three days after the end of the world. Three days after Gansey had died and come back to life, three days after Adam had his hands around Ronan’s throat, three days after Ronan had nearly been unmade right in front of Adam with Adam unable to do a thing about it.
Adam was at the Barns, studying on the desk in Declan’s room, the clock reading 2 am, his eyes drooping closed. He sighed and gave up, deciding he’d finish the work tomorrow. It was unreal to him that they all had just gone back to school the day before (well, all but Ronan), as if the world hadn’t ended as they watched.
He got into bed and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.
And then his hands were around Ronan’s throat. And then Ronan was gasping for breath, simply staring at Adam as he choked him, not fighting back, not doing anything but dying, dying, dying. No, not dying. Being murdered. By Adam.
And then he was dead, his eyes empty and staring at nothing. Blue and Gansey looked over at Adam in horror, Gansey saying, Are you happy now, Adam? Is this what you wanted? But Adam paid them no mind, he only had eyes for the terrible sight in front of him. Ronan, dead. Because of him. All because of him. It was the demon, but it wasn’t the demon, it was him, him, him–
Adam woke with a gasp, his heart pounding, drenched in sweat, wet tears sliding down his cheeks. And then he was throwing the blanket off him and sprinting to Ronan’s bedroom. He needed to know that he was alive. That Adam’s hands hadn’t actually strangled the life from him. That the world was still spinning on its axis, despite the horror that had befallen them all.
He was quiet as he ran through the hall, making sure to be extra careful near Matthew’s room, knowing Orphan Girl was sleeping in there, and she was the lightest sleeper he’d ever known. He supposed it made sense, considering that she had lived inside a nightmare.
It was 3 am, and Adam hesitated before knocking on Ronan’s door. It was late, and Adam didn’t want to wake Ronan in case he actually managed to get some sleep. Sleep was a rarity for both of them already, but especially so for the past few days.
It was also slightly nerve wracking, because they hadn’t talked about them (or anything really, including the demon possessing Adam and everything that came after) yet.
After Gansey took his first breath yet again, they had gone to Fox Way, learned about Noah’s permanent disappearance (Adam’s hand gently resting over Ronan’s as he gained yet another loved one to mourn), and then all gone to Monmouth. They did not say a word to each other. They only changed into clothes that weren’t stained with black blood, got into Ronan’s bed, and tried and failed to sleep, with Adam hesitantly wrapping his arms around Ronan as Ronan sobbed and shook silently on his chest.
The next morning Ronan had driven to D.C. to tell Matthew and Declan about Aurora, and Adam didn’t see him again until this evening, when he learned that he was back and at the Barns. Adam had greeted him with a nervous smile and a squeezing of his hands, asking him cautiously how it went. Ronan had just shrugged, and said not great, but I think they’ll be okay. Adam had heard what Ronan did not say: they’ll be okay, but I don’t know if I will.
They had watched silently as the deer walked around the fields and as Orphan Girl ate some bark. Ronan heated up some frozen dinner for the three of them. Still, no real words were exchanged. Ronan had hesitated before telling Adam that he could sleep in his room if he wanted to, but Adam shook his head and said that he’d be up late studying.
So they had not talked, not really, and under normal circumstances that might be okay, because Ronan Lynch was not a man of words, and Adam and Ronan did not always need words to communicate.
But Adam had heard and felt the life leaving Ronan Lynch, and suddenly, with his nightmare making the memory fresher than ever, he needed Ronan to know, needed to say it, needed to bury his face in Ronan’s neck and breath his feelings into his skin – his gratitude and his fear and his – his –
Adam swallowed. They also hadn’t kissed since that night on the porch, and Adam desperately needed the heat of Ronan’s mouth on his at the moment.
He knocked loudly and walked inside, closing the door behind him.
“Ronan,” he whispered. “Are – are you still awake...?” The room was dark, but the bright moonlight filtering through the windows was enough to paint Ronan’s sharp outline silver. He was lying on his back, but as soon as Adam spoke, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He was shirtless, and heat pooled inside Adam.
“Yeah, Parrish. Everything alright?” At Ronan’s voice, something in Adam stilled, the riot that his heart had become since his nightmare calmed. He could breathe again. Ronan shifted so there’d be room for Adam on the bed, and Adam walked over and sat next to him. Their shoulders were touching, and Adam burned.
Adam took a deep breath, stared at his hands. “Not really.” His voice was small. He realized he was shaking. His lip trembled. He felt Ronan’s gaze on him.
“Parrish?”
Adam had trouble breathing.
“Parrish.”
At that, Adam finally looked at Ronan, and the other boy’s face was filled with concern, his eyebrows furrowed. Adam didn’t realize that he was crying until Ronan gently wiped a tear from his cheek. The first of a ceaseless waterfall.
“Adam.” Ronan’s voice was low and full of feeling, and that only made Adam cry harder. He had not cried at all since everything had happened, and now it all came out at once.
He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to get himself together. He managed to stop the tears, but his voice still broke when he whispered, “I killed you.”
Ronan froze beside him.
“You – you were dead, Ronan. And maybe it was just a nightmare, but it – it could’ve been real. It would’ve been real and I—“ Adam faltered, his breath coming in short gasps, and he could feel tears pooling in his eyes again.
“Adam. Don’t. I’m right here, okay?”
“But you wouldn’t be right here if they hadn’t – damn it, why didn’t you fight back?” And now his tone was angry, the rage that was so familiar building up in him.
Ronan said evenly, “You know why.”
Adam gritted his teeth, meeting Ronan’s stubborn gaze. “No. No, I don’t. All you had to do was knock me down – one goddamn punch, Lynch – and it wouldn’t have – Jesus, you just stood there. I begged you to hit me and you just fucking stood there and let me—“
“Yeah, Parrish, I did, and I’d fucking do it again. I wasn’t going to hurt you. I’m never going to hurt you. And if not hurting you means having the demon – not you – kill me then so fucking be it.” Ronan wasn’t yelling, but his nostrils were flared and his voice was fierce. It wasn’t anger. It was some other, more intense emotion. Adam was afraid to name it.
Adam had been fully prepared to fight back, to scream and let all his fear out in vicious words, but that other emotion in Ronan’s tone took all his remaining anger and blew it to the wind. “You fucking asshole. You absolute piece of shit.” Adam wanted it to come out fierce, but his voice came out cracked and broken instead. He took a watery breath. “I – I almost lost you. Ronan, I thought – you almost–,”
And then he was crying again, and Ronan was pulling him into his arms, and his tears were soaking Ronan’s shoulder, and Ronan was softly stroking his hair, and Adam was still.
“You didn’t lose me. I’m here, Adam. We’re both alive.”
Adam wrapped his arms around Ronan’s neck, tightly. “Okay,” he whispered. “Okay.” They sat there like that, holding each other, for an indeterminable amount of time.
Adam finally pulled away, and his hands framed Ronan’s face. Ronan’s eyes bore into him, and those words filled Adam’s chest, begging to be let out. But instead of saying them, Adam pressed his forehead against Ronan’s. He could feel his shaky breath on his face.
“Ronan,” Adam said. Just his name. He was about to lean in, to finally feel the lips he’d been craving since that night on the porch, but then Ronan was pulling away, and Adam had to stifle a frustrated sound. Adam’s hands dropped to his sides.
Ronan’s eyes were unsure, complicated. He swallowed, bit his lip. Adam waited. Ronan exhaled, and said, “You are sure about this, right? You’re sure you want this?”
Adam frowned. “Of course I do. I thought that was obvious.”
Ronan rubbed a hand over his head and looked away from Adam. His voice was guarded when he spoke again. “I know, I just – we haven’t really talked about – I don’t know if – if you want the same thing I do.”
Adam sighed and took Ronan’s hand in his, tangling their fingers together. Ronan tensed, but didn’t pull away. “I’m not an idiot, Lynch. I know you. I knew what I was getting into when I kissed you that night. I know you don’t do casual, and I’m all in, okay? I – I want this. A lot.” His voice was calm, level, a stark contrast to his pounding heart.
Ronan looked at him, his eyes full of hope and raw longing. Finally, he nodded.
Adam fought the urge to roll his eyes. “Good, now that that’s sorted.” He leaned in again, and this time, Ronan met him halfway.
The kiss started out soft, gentle. Adam’s hand traced Ronan’s cheekbone, and Ronan sighed against his mouth. When Adam’s tongue licked the seam of Ronan’s lips, the other boy’s mouth parted, and suddenly their kissing turned frantic.
Ronan’s hands tangled in Adam’s hair, and Adam’s hands clutched Ronan’s shoulders, his nails digging in bare skin. He pushed Ronan down and climbed on top of him, neither of them breaking the kiss. Ronan’s hand gripped his hips, and his own hands traced the muscles of Ronan’s bare chest, Ronan shivering under his touch. Adam was very aware that though he was still in his threadbare white T-shirt and gray sweatpants, Ronan was wearing only boxers. The awareness lit fire inside him.
Adam’s lips moved to Ronan’s chin, his jaw, his throat. Ronan’s breaths turned into gasps and pants, and when Adam scraped his teeth and tongue over the skin of his collarbone, Ronan hissed. “Fuck.”
Adam pulled back for a moment, his own breathing heavy and uneven. “Is this okay?”
Ronan’s pupils were dark, blown wide, heavy with the same desire Adam felt. Except, it couldn’t be the same desire. Because Adam had seen Ronan Lynch nearly die, and that intensified his want to terrifying proportions. He wanted to taste to every inch of Ronan’s skin, wanted to feel the heat from it so that he’d know he was alive, alive, alive, wanted to make Ronan shudder and scream so those sounds of pleasure would erase the sounds of his choked gasps from Adam’s memory.
Ronan nodded and stuttered out, breathily, “Y-Yeah.” Even in the dark, Adam could see he was flushed all the way down his chest.
Adam’s lips bit down on the place where his neck and shoulder met, and he felt Ronan’s groan in every part of his body.
“Jesus Christ, Adam,” Ronan gasped. Adam just smiled smugly against his skin, and, after a hesitant pause, started to kiss down Ronan’s bare chest, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses over every inch that he could reach. The sounds Ronan made above him only egged him on further, and when his lips reached Ronan’s navel, he looked up, intention written all over his face, his expression questioning.
Ronan clearly recognized that intention, because his eyes widened, and he said, his voice quiet and disbelieving, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” Adam’s mouth quirked and he was about to go on, but then Ronan’s hands went to Adam’s hair and he said hoarsely, “Wait. Parrish.” Adam looked up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Ronan shook his head, exhaled shakily. “Not – not yet.”
Something in Adam tightened. His voice was clipped when he asked, “Are you sure?”
Ronan nodded. “I’m not – I’ve never – just, come up here, Parrish.” Adam swallowed down a sharp retort and lay down next to the other boy, staring up at the ceiling.
“I didn’t say you had to stop kissing me, you know.”
“Whatever,” Adam muttered. He could hear the edge in his voice.
Ronan’s tone was incredulous. “Are you seriously pissed because I’m not ready to let you – to let you –,” He broke off, too embarrassed to finish the sentence, and normally Adam would have been amused and endeared by this.
“God, no, of course not,” Adam insisted hurriedly. He was immediately ashamed when he realized what impression he gave off. It wasn’t Ronan he was angry at.
“Then what the fuck?”
Adam closed his eyes for a long moment, took a deep breath, and turned on his side to face Ronan, who was already facing him. “I just – I almost took your life, Ronan. I wanted – needed – to make it up to you. I wanted to give you…” – Adam could feel his face getting hot – “I just wanted to give you this, okay?”
Adam could see Ronan’s body tense, his face shutter off. “That’s not – I don’t want it like this, Parrish. As if you fucking owe me this, and for something that wasn’t even your fault.”
Adam shook his head. “No – no, I want to—,”
“No you don’t,” Ronan shot back fiercely. “You don’t have to give me a damn thing, Parrish.”
Adam bit his lip. He wasn’t lying, he did want to. He wanted all of Ronan. But maybe he didn’t want to right at this moment. At least, not for the right reasons. “I’m sorry,” Adam whispered miserably, closing his eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”
Adam felt Ronan’s fingers cup his cheek, trace the skin under his eyes. “Stop. Don’t be sorry.” Adam could feel tears pool behind his eyes again. “Hey. Hey. Look at me.” Adam opened his eyes, and Ronan’s gaze on him was so full of love and affection that Adam wanted to close them again. Ronan kissed Adam’s forehead, his thumb going back and forth across jaw. The tenderness in Ronan’s touch took Adam’s breath away. “It wasn’t you, Adam. It wasn’t your fault.”
Adam exhaled. “I know that, rationally. But part of me still...” He trailed off, unable to explain the tangle of emotions inside of him. His head knew the facts. But all his heart could focus on was the feel of Ronan’s neck under his hands, so fragile, so breakable. He wasn’t sure if he could ever forget it.
Ronan kissed him gently. “I know.” He kissed him again, and Adam kissed him back, urgently, trying to convey everything he couldn’t say. When they broke away, Ronan reached between them and brought Adam’s fingers to his lips. The same hands that had tried to strangle him, Ronan kissed reverently, over and over again, never taking his eyes off of Adam’s.
Adam brought his hand to Ronan’s cheek, pressed his forehead against the other boy’s. “I’m so glad, Ronan,” his voice came out too hoarse, and he tried again. “I’m so glad that you’re – that we’re –,” he broke off again, frustrated at his inability to use words. He pressed a bruising kiss to Ronan’s lips and said, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if something had happened – if you had—“
Ronan interrupted him with another kiss. “But I didn’t.”
Adam sniffled. “I know. I know.”
They stayed there like that for a while, staring into each other’s eyes, pressing gentle kisses to each others’ lips, cheeks, noses.
Then, Adam cleared his throat and said, even as he could feel the heat flooding his cheeks, “I wasn’t lying, you know, before. I’ve never, before, either, but I – I do want to – um. You know. Do that. Eventually. Soon. If – if you want me to.”
Ronan’s eyes widened, his breath hitched, his cheeks and the tips of his ears flushed. He said, in a choked voice, “Yeah, I – shit. Yeah. Of course I want you to… eventually. Yeah. Definitely. Yes.”
Adam grinned smugly at his flustered stuttering, at his blushing face. “Yeah, huh?”
Ronan scowled, looking more like himself, but his face was still an adorable shade of pink. “Fuck you, Parrish.”
Adam raised an eyebrow, all of his embarrassment wiped away from the satisfaction of seeing Ronan squirm. “That’s moving a little quickly, don’t you think?”
Ronan, ever the innocent Catholic, made a strangled sound at the back of his throat, and his blush extended down his neck and chest. “Jesus. You asshole. Shut up.”
Adam laughed and buried his face in Ronan’s chest. “Didn’t know I had the power to make Ronan Lynch blush like a middle schooler,” he teased, smiling against his skin.
“You’re such a shithead.”
“I am, and you like me.”
Ronan snorted. “I change my mind. I want a fucking refund.”
Adam couldn’t stop grinning. “Sorry, Lynch. No refunds allowed. Looks like you’re stuck with me.”
Ronan kissed the top of his head. “I am, huh?” It was supposed to come out wry, but there was something hopeful in his tone.
“Definitely,” Adam mumbled into Ronan’s chest, his voice sleepy again. “You’re never getting rid of me.”
“I guess I can live with that, if I really have to.”
Adam scoffed. “Uh huh. Don’t lie. You don’t know what you’d do without me.”
Ronan pressed another kiss to his hair. “No,” Ronan admitted, his voice suddenly soft and tender. “I really don’t.”
Adam felt his heart stutter in his chest, felt those three words spread inside him, consuming him entirely. God, god. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve this magical boy holding him, loving him.
Adam kissed his Ronan’s chest a few more times, and then whispered past the lump in his throat, “Good. We’re on the same page, then.”
“Go the fuck to sleep, Parrish,” Ronan said, but he was smiling wider than he possibly ever had before.