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The halls of the circus were strangely silent for a place so colorful. Well, except for the soft thumping of paws against ground as Jax trudged through those halls in search of his door.
If he strained his ears, he could hear the sound of the funeral proceedings, and the fellow circus members giving their sorrowful goodbyes. Not that he paid any mind to them. Whatever bits he did catch he caught against his will, and his mind would not let them go.
“I wonder how Jax is holding up after Ribbit…you know.”
“I still can’t believe they abstracted…”
“Neither could I. They seemed just fine to me.”
Of course they couldn’t believe it. They weren’t there for them like he was. During those final days, Jax was the one who personally witnessed Ribbit’s decline. He knew something was wrong for a while but didn’t want to believe it, let alone accept it.
All of their words expressed regret and grief, but the way they looked at Jax before he bailed…
Pity.
For him? For Ribbit? For the fact Ribbit had a friend like him?
They all probably thought he pushed Ribbit to abstract.
Maybe they weren’t far off.
As he walked through the lonely halls, he wondered if things would’ve ended up differently if he had just…
He stopped right in front of his door. He didn’t even look up at his smug, smiling portrait as he sluggishly threw his hand onto the knob and flung the door open. His room was only briefly illuminated before he stepped in and closed the door, leaving the both of them in darkness once again.
The darkness seemed to break something in him. His back against the door, he sunk to the floor like his insides—if he even had any—were made of stone. His breaths came in short and ragged bursts. His vision swam and pulsed as he stared at his two shaking, gloved hands. No…four? No, two. Back to four. Back again.
His mind raced and his limbs felt numb as he curled in on himself. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. He wanted so badly to believe his own mind’s desperate words, but the ache in his frantic beating heart served as a horrible reminder.
He screwed his eyes shut, ripping his mind away from the crushing feeling in his chest and the wetness of his cheeks. His hands grasped his head tightly and clawed at the bases of his ears in a vain attempt at easing the ringing within.
A shrill, animalistic wail thundered from somewhere in his room, and in his agonized stupor he couldn’t pinpoint where exactly it had come from, yet the painful hoarseness in his throat was unmistakable.
He hunched forward, hugging himself and letting his tears fall freely. His hands were clutching his arms so tightly that it felt like they’d snap in half. Another reminder that this was real. This was real, and it was happening.
…
No.
No, that’s stupid! Of course none of this was real! It was all just a game! He was getting so worked up over what? Something that wasn’t even real?
His wracking sobs morphed into rough cackles. Yeah! This whole circus thing, it’s all a game in the end, and here he was getting all upset over it!
How could he be so stupid!
How could he be so stupid!
How could he be so stupid.
How could he be so stupid.
How could he be so goddamn stupid.