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“You know Mulder, I’m a bit worried about Skinner.”
“Skinman? Why?”
“Please don’t call him that. He dropped a parcel off at my other house this morning …”
“When are you going to get rid of that place Scully? I know you needed a legal address when you first went back to work and I was still playing hide and seek from nefarious shadow government forces and you had to pretend we weren’t living together. And it was useful to have a place to crash if you needed to pull a double shift at the hospital or when I was being particularly obnoxious and you wanted some space. But I’m pretty sure the whole world knows that we’re shacked up now and you work from home often enough that a second house is barely more than a storage unit. Plus I really don’t trust all that smart tech your landlord installed. I swear your hoover tried to eat my foot the last time I was over there. And don’t try to tell me that what I found in your bedside drawer wasn’t yours because you know we’ve used …”
“Mulder! Focus please. I signed a ten-year lease remember. It was cheaper than paying for DC parking and it’s been more reliable than an Amazon drop off point. The lease expires in a few months and I’ll let it go then. There’s nothing – and I mean *nothing* – that I keep there that I need anymore. But back to my point about Skinner.”
“Is he moonlighting as an Amazon delivery driver now?”
“No he wanted me to look over a couple of autopsy reports that Miller and Einstein were stuck on.”
“How are the little mini-me’s doing?”
“Fine apparently. There’s even talk about expanding the x-files division.”
“Oh god that wasn’t what Skinner came to talk you about was it, Scully? I know we did that one case with Agent Drummy a few years ago but I really meant what I said about the darkness and I’m honestly happy here writing my books and shit-posting on the White House Twitter feed.”
“Don’t be ridiculous Mulder. We’re at least 10 years too old to be FBI agents now. We’d never pass the physical let alone the psych evaluations. Skinner is well aware that the most we’ll do is the occasional highly-paid freelance consult.”
“So what did he want to talk to you about?”
“Apparently he’d had this … vision ... dream ... I don’t know what, about the Cigarette Smoking Man.”
“Ew.”
“Only Skinner was convinced it was real. That Cancer Man was still alive somehow.”
“We literally saw the man take a rocket to the FACE Scully. His very bones are nicotine-stained dust.”
“I know but Skinner was convinced it was real. That he’d survived through some alien regenerative technology.”
“Interesting. You know I read this report…”
“No Mulder. That’s not the freaky part. Skinner said he was talking to Cancer Man about William”
“Our son William?”
“Uh huh. And that Cancer Man said …he said...”
“What Scully?”
“Oh God it’s so gross I can hardly say it. Skinner said that Cancer Man said that HE was William’s father! Mulder! Don’t laugh! It’s not funny! It’s disgusting! Mulder shut up!”
“I’m sorry Scully! It’s just your face! That would make my son, my half-brother!”
“Are you quite finished?”
“Yes sorry. But I mean really! What kind of acid trip is Skinman on to even consider that. How can he possible think …”
“Apparently it happened ‘though science’ when I went on that road trip with him when he promised me a cure for every known disease.”
“Yeah that was not one your finest moments Scully.”
“I know Mulder but we’re past that now. “
“Did you tell Skinner how you recorded literally everything that happened during that trip and how we therefore gained conclusive proof of your snoring, as you even kept that little bra-mic on while you were asleep?”
“Yep.”
“And how you’re an extremely light sleeper so nothing could possibly have happened that night without you knowing about it?”
“Uh huh.”
“And how you ran a complete health check on yourself when you got home in case he’d put anything in your food?”
“Yes Mulder, all of that. Skinner didn’t seem to take it in.”
“Wasn’t that trip in like March or April of that year Scully?”
“Something like that. Before Easter anyway.”
“And William was born the following May. So at least 13 months later. Do you think Skinner was away when they had the ‘birds and bees and the pregnancy length’ talk in high school?”
“What worried me the most is how easily he believed this obviously dead man. I know we rather ridiculously tried to keep the paternity private at first to stop the gossips … “
“As if that worked! Holly from accounts went to Fiji with her winnings on the ‘Are the Spookies secretly shagging’ pool.”
“…but Skinner was right there when I ran all the DNA tests during my pregnancy and after William’s birth. Everything we’ve said and done over the past 16 years has made it abundantly clear that William is our – YOUR – son, and yet one word from the biggest and cruellest liar we’ve ever encountered - not to mention a very very dead one - and Skinner has the gall to question our son’s origins.”
“I haven’t had a hospital visit in a while Scully. Want me to go over there and kick his ass?”
“I’m quite capable of doing that myself thank you Mulder. I made it absolutely clear to him of course that it was all complete nonsense. If nothing else, our son has your nose, your obsession for sunflower seeds and a tendency to get himself into considerable trouble. Plus I reminded Skinner that William is in fact deathly allergic to nicotine, as we discovered a few months ago when we had to rush him to the ER after that mate of his offered him a cigarette at that abandoned navy shipyard party.”
“Yeah, I’d forgotten about that. So did you manage to convince Skinner it was all a seriously messed up dream?”
“I’m not sure. I hope so. He seemed a little reassured, but I’m still worried about him. I’ve noticed lately that he has a habit of standing in front of speeding cars and you know that’s not going to end up well for him. He was also muttering something about talking to Reggie.”
“Who the hell is Reggie?”
“No idea.”
“Maybe we should go see him together tomorrow. You could give him a medical check-up and I’ll explain in great detail the exact circumstances that led to William’s conception. I can even do a slide show if it’ll help.”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Want to help me remember? If I recall correctly, you were wearing considerably less than that when it happened …”
“Oh Mulder … don’t … hmm …. actually yes … oh that’s good. Oh wait stop. Where’s William?”
“Out.”
“Did we give him a curfew?”
“Late.”
“How late? You know we agreed we need to keep an eye on him. He’s a teenager now and has most definitely inherited your charm and good looks. He’s been spending a lot of time with that girl lately and while I think she’s very sweet and I’m sure going to Band Camp with her this Summer will have a stabilising influence on him, I am most definitely NOT ready to be a grandmother just yet.”
“You’d be an extremely hot grandmother.”
“That is not helpful Mulder.”
“Come on Scully. We have the house to ourselves. Let’s not waste this precious time arguing and wearing clothes.”
“Hmm. Well. Okay. But just … oh yes hmm … Mulder?”
“Hmm. Busy.”
“Do you think …”
“Shhh. Stop talking.”
“I was just wondering. I know I’m in peri-menopause but we have been having an awful lot of sex lately …”
“I’m well aware of that fact Scully. I’ve greatly enjoyed it. And if you’d kindly hush, I could enjoy it again now.”
“I was just wondering if maybe, possibly, for the first time in 20 years, we might want to think about using contraception?”
“And break the habit of decades? God no. Besides, the chances of you getting pregnant at your age are about as likely as us re-joining the FBI as full-time field agents. Right?”
ATTHS. Naturally.