Chapter Text
Prologue
All Liam wanted was to forget. Forget about all the pain he went through. Forget about the wasted time he spent. Forget about the tears he shed. Sometimes he felt as if his world was closing in and any minute now he’d fall. He would wake up hyperventilating and wish for it to all end.
He needed it to end.
Liam wondered if it was the same for Niall. Did he feel sorry about what happened? Did he ever spend sleepless nights thinking about their relationship? Did he ever feel like his world was caving in?
Liam doubted it.
If Liam’s past is any indication, Niall is probably out clubbing, drinking, banging strangers; anything his heart desires really. Because that is just the way Niall is now.
Liam still doesn’t understand why he stayed with him for so long.
3 years it was. 3 years of hurt and pain and torture. Maybe what they say is right; maybe love does make you blind. Except Liam wasn’t sure if what they had was love. It might have felt like it at first, with all the lovingness Niall showed him.
Niall practically showered him with such care and thoughtfulness in the beginning of their relationship. Liam used to sleep every night with a smile on his face, wondering what he did to deserve someone as amazing as Niall. Liam remembers those days. They are forever engraved in his mind to remind him never to be so naïve.
But what hurts the most for Liam, is that no matter how much he analyses, he can never pinpoint the exact point when everything went south.
One day, he and Niall were snuggling on their couch, perfectly content with each other. The next day, Niall didn’t show up until 5 a.m., alcohol reeking through his clothing and unrecognizable lovebites on him. When Liam asked him the afternoon of, Niall didn’t answer with his mouth. He crossed the line and laid his hands on Liam. He slapped him and walked away, absolutely no apology leaving his mouth.
Liam still asks himself why he didn’t leave just then. But nope, Liam stayed, hoping Niall’s behavior was a one-time thing and the loving Niall would come back.
However it soon proved that was not the case.
The coldness continued, the beating continued; everything Liam never wanted was being presented. But being the caring person he was, he felt like he couldn’t leave Niall. What is Niall was going through something? Some kind of rough patch? What kind of person would Liam be if he left Niall alone when he needed him?
Liam feels dumb for not walking out then. However, he feels even dumber not leaving the first time the blade cut though his skin. It was a sign; the situation was too much. It had gone too far and Liam knew. Instead of seeing it as a reason to escape, he felt it as an escape. He finally found something to release his internal pain. Although it was technically more pain being inflicted to him, it brought some pain out as well, instead of it all being pounded into him.
Liam felt this was needed pain. He obviously was doing something wrong if Niall’s feelings for him changed so drastically. Now his pain and insecurities were being taken out. They might end up coming back, but those moments granted him moments of bliss in his now messed up life. They welcome him into sensations of dullness, of blankness; of nothingness. And Liam felt like that was all he needed.
It was all he deserved, his brain told him.