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The barely audible sounds of a pen scratching on paper echoed around the room. It was much too quiet to hear anything otherwise, save for the faint sounds of Lingli playing outside, or branches rustling. This quietude was embraced by the man sitting with tranquility at his desk. The diffused sunlight that shone through the window behind him, reflecting off his long hair, created the illusion of a purple waterfall cascading down his shoulders.
“More writing utensils for the school…” Jinshi scribbled down a few characters. “Do you require anything else?” He placed his paintbrush back in the ink pot, taking a glance at the paperwork towering over his desk with a defeated expression. Across the room, sitting slightly in the shade, Maomao hesitated.
“Perhaps another copy of the novel they’re reading currently, I heard that a few pages got ripped, and I wouldn’t want their reading comprehension to be affected by such.” She requested, glancing up from her lap to make polite eye contact with Jinshi.
“I’ll get it for you,” he promised. “Please check I haven’t made any mistakes in your list, it’s been a long day and I’m exhausted.” The eunuch's smile quickly turned into a tired frown, and his body crumpled onto his desk, the purple waterfall on his shoulders spilling all over the paper. What childish behaviour. Gaoshun, ever present beside Jinshi, tapped his shoulder and gave him a stern look. Maomao sighed.
“Why don’t you have some tea after this, then, I have some waiting in the kitchen.” She made her way to the front of his desk and began reading over the paperwork. Hemlock, ginseng root, 2 paper books, 30 new brushes, 1 novel (title to be confirmed). In truth, she did feel a little bad for requesting multiple items that were hard to obtain (especially that ginseng root), but Jinshi didn’t seem to have a problem with it. Maomao picked up the paintbrush and wrote the title of the book at the bottom of the list.
“Here.” She gave it to Jinshi, who in turn handed it to Gaoshun.
“Please give this to the Board of Revenue so they can approve the items to be delivered to the palace.” Gaoshun nodded and promptly left the room.
Not long after he’d exited, and Maomao was mid-conversation about her latest medical discovery, a knock sounded.
“Come in,” Jinshi called. The door opened, and in the entrance, Surien stood displaying her usual calm smile.
“Good afternoon, Xiaomao, young master.”
“I told you not to call me that!” Surien ignored Jinshi’s complaints and continued on.
“A messenger came to deliver this letter for you. I haven’t a clue who it’s from, please be cautious, won’t you?” She held out a beautiful envelope with purple embellishments.
Jinshi smiled, thanked her, and she left the room as well.
Instead of feeling slightly uncomfortable at being completely alone in a room with Jinshi, (she really wasn’t in the mood for his horny antics once again), Maomao stood beside him, side eyeing the letter. I’m curious. It doesn’t look professional, who would be informally communicating with him? Jinshi opened the wax seal, then paused. He inspected the envelope, tapping the back of it with one of his index fingers repetitively. His nervous tic.
“Would you like some privacy, Master Jinshi?” She asked.
“I-” He hesitated for a moment. “I think I might know who it’s from, that's all.” Jinshi answered, but his voice had gone rather quiet.
The silence that was circling the room earlier returned as Jinshi opened the envelope and took out the letter. Maomao carefully monitored his face as his eyes scanned the page. Up, down, back up. At first, his expression reminded her of a child reading a book for the first time; curious yet confused. But slowly, his eyebrows lowered and his eyes narrowed, as if the silence was heavy enough to weigh them down. He swallowed, he cleared his throat. Like the sun hiding behind a cloud, his smile disappeared.
Maomao felt uncomfortable. She could sense the change in atmosphere. Did he want her to stay, or leave the room? Should she speak, or remain silent?
Jinshi’s expression didn’t change for so long, Maomao wondered if he was rereading the letter over and over again. The only movement in the room was his eyes scanning the paper. Up, down, up, down. A long while passed until they stopped moving too. It was so still, someone could come in and think the scene was a painting. No sound, no movement. I should leave. He obviously needs some time alone. Maomao thought to herself. She had no reason to be in Jinshi’s office anymore, they’d finished composing the list of items she required.
So, carefully, to avoid breaking Jinshi out of whatever depressed trance he was currently in, she did a 180 and started treading softly towards the entrance. She put one hand on the doorknob, and was about to pull it open, when a voice sounded behind her.
“No, no…don’t leave me too.” It was so quiet she barely heard it.
Maomao turned back around. Jinshi was in the exact position he was in before, eyes darkened, head lowered, body hunched over his desk. For a second, she thought she’d misheard.
But then, his hands began to shake.
The movement was subtle at first, only noticeable because the rest of his body was frozen, but it escalated quickly, and soon Maomao was worried he would rip the paper. Most likely a stress or anxiety response. The apothecary returned to Jinshi’s desk in an instant, appearing behind his shoulder and placing a hand on his back.
“I need you to breathe, Master Jinshi.” With her free hand, she carefully lifted the paper out of his shaking grip and placed it on the windowsill behind them. However curious she was to read who it was from, Jinshi’s health came first.
She rubbed circles in his back, waiting patiently until he took in a shuddering breath. Then, without missing a beat, Maomao grabbed an ice cube from the drink Surien had brought earlier that day, and placed it in his hand. Something cold will give him something sensory to ground himself. It’s a shame I can’t put it on his neck to stimulate the vagus nerve, but his hair’s in the way and I don’t want to cause him distress by moving it. Luckily, Jinshi’s hands had a nearly immediate response to her ice technique and the intense shaking subsided to a faint tremble.
Standing in this position, one hand holding the ice in his hand, the other on his back, for a few moments, prompted Maomao to think about the letter. Someone obviously left him, either in the past or very recently, and this note must be something about that farewell. Based on the length of it, I’d guess it was someone close to him who cared about him to some extent.
A minute passed.
Then another, and another, and another.
A short incense of time had passed when her thoughts were interrupted by Jinshi shuffling slightly in his seat. Maomao looked down at him and was met with two purple eyes staring into hers. They had a glassy appearance, and she could see tears had formed. A quick glance at the desk revealed a few had escaped his eyes already. Maomao didn’t speak, but took her hand away from the ice cube, which had melted into a small pool in Jinshi’s hand.
Jinshi seemed to realise this, and titled his hand so the water fell onto the desk. Both of them stared at the puddle for a few moments, watched it drip off the edge of the table onto the floor. Drip, drip, drip.
“...”
“...Maomao.” Jinshi’s voice was unusually sincere, considering both his normal attitude and how he’d been acting a minute ago.
“Please, don’t leave me like she did. I’ll do anything. I’ve worked so hard.” His voice sounded broken and it reminded Maomao of that one fateful night where he’d hugged her for comfort. Maybe this was a similar situation.
When Maomao didn’t reply, Jinshi continued talking, albeit quietly.
“I don’t really…have anyone else.” The words got quieter and quieter until he was whispering. Jinshi looked down, so his whole head was shielded by his long hair. Maomao didn’t miss the sound of teardrops hitting the floor. Pit, pat. She…remembered when those teardrops would fall on her neck. It had been a long time since someone had truly depended on her, emotionally, not physically, and although she never knew how to react properly, she felt…useful to be needed in a different way. Especially by Jinshi. He really did so much for her, and she truly recognised that.
Maomao glanced at the letter again, then back at Jinshi. Carefully reaching out and guiding him to look at her again, she spoke gently.
“I don’t plan on leaving you or the palace any time soon, Master Jinshi.” Maomao cupped his face, wiping away one of his tears with her thumb. Whatever Jinshi’s immediate reaction to that action was, she would never see, because she had turned to grab the letter behind her to give it back. Her hand still remained on his cheek, however, and when she turned back there was a definite blush on his face. Maomao chose to ignore it.
Jinshi took the letter and just held it. It was slightly crinkled from the hand trembling, and a few parts were smudged from his tears, but the neat handwriting, at a glance, was still legible. I wonder where he’ll keep that letter. He won’t discard it, I’m sure.
“I’m going to get you some tea. Please don’t worry, I’ll be back in one moment.”
She gently drew her hand away from Jinshi’s cheek, watching how his face dropped. He muttered a quiet “Okay.” and shifted around so he was sitting correctly facing his desk like before. Leaving the room, it looked as though nothing had even happened. If Gaoshun or Surien happened to come inside, they wouldn’t be able to tell anything was off. Except for Master Jinshi’s puffy eyes which make it clear he was crying.
Maomao dipped into the kitchen, poured a cup of reheated tea (she didn’t have time to make fresh tea right now), and threw a rag over her shoulder.
When she returned to Jinshi’s office, something had changed in his demeanor. Firstly, and more obviously, he’d moved to the couch, and now sat curled up in an unprofessional manner, still holding the letter. I suppose being formal isn’t his priority right now. What Maomao noticed more, however, was his complex expression. It’s like he’s realised something that he already knows, or decided to do something he’s already done.
She carefully offered him the teacup, which he took. Maomao then moved to his desk, crouching down and wiping the floor where the ice puddle had dripped down. As she slowly moved upwards to wipe down the surface of the desk itself, Jinshi murmured,
“The letter, it was from Ah Duo. Telling me about her new home.” Ah. Maomao kept silent, and allowed him to continue speaking.
“She- she was like a mother to me, Maomao. And then…she had to leave, as you know.” I do know. She seemed kind. I wish I had gotten to know her better, like you did…oh.
“That night, when you got drunk and met me next to the palace walls…you were upset about her leaving.” Maomao realised. It all made sense.
She placed the used cloth on the corner of the desk and finally came to the couch. Jinshi was sitting on the far right side, so she respectfully sat somewhere in the middle, looking outwards. The sun was retreating behind the palace walls, casting a golden glow on the rest of the room. Fireflies danced with rustling leaves outside the window, but the afternoon had returned to the quiet tranquility it once had been.
“I miss her.”
I know you do. I’ve forgotten the pain of being separated from a loved one, because Pops works here now. It must hurt, in a way medicine can’t help with.
“...I understand.”
They sat in silence for a long time.
Once Jinshi finished his tea, he placed it on the small table beside him with a clink. Then, he hesitated for a moment. A moment so long, Maomao wondered if he’d completely forgotten about what he was hesitating for. But in the end, Jinshi scooted over, so he was sitting right next to Maomao. When she recoiled, he looked away in shame.
“Please…just put your arm around me or stroke my hair like she used to. Please. Gaoshun still won’t be back for a while, and Surien won’t enter without knocking. I promise I won’t try anything, I really…”
He abruptly stopped talking. Maomao had scooted away from him again. Jinshi was about to plead once more, in desperation and humiliation this time, when he felt Maomao’s soft hand touch his neck tentatively. Slowly, ever so slowly, without making a single sound or expression, she guided his head to her lap until he was lying sideways, using her as a pillow. And then, she began stroking his hair with her fingers. In a rhythmic pace, she combed through it, occasionally brushing past his ear or skin. Her lap was warm from body heat and the couch was bathed in warm light. It reminded him of being swaddled by Ah Duo, back when he was young.
“...”
“Thank you.” Jinshi didn’t need to say anything else, and Maomao didn’t need to reply.
Maomao watched in silence as Jinshi closed his eyes, slowed his breathing, and eventually faded into a peaceful slumber. It was only then that she stopped stroking his hair and instead opted to gently lay her hands on his shoulder and head. By then, it was far past dusk and only the lanterns outside provided a faint warm light, illuminating Jinshi’s beautiful, structured face in the dark. Maomao stared at it for a long time, felt the rise and fall of his chest, and listened to the fireflies outside.
It wasn’t long before she herself fell asleep.