Chapter Text
Prologue
Zayn always thought Niall and him were happy. They had been friends since kids and dated for what he felt was his whole life, when in reality it was really only 2 years. They were only 19 but when Niall proposed on their summer vacation, and Zayn’s mind was saying no, his mouth answered yes.
Things weren’t always great between them too. Recently, Zayn had been feeling kind of distant with Niall. Niall worked the late shift at the bar and Zayn went to school in the morning, so they sometimes went without seeing each other. Zayn would always kiss him goodbye when he was leaving and Niall would always text Zayn in the morning, even if he couldn’t answer because he was in class. They found little things to make their relationship work and getting married was one of those things Zayn felt they needed.
Zayn and Niall told their parents together and they were all ecstatic for them. Zayn never told Niall, but his mom had talked to him later in the day and advised him that it might be better to wait a bit.
“I know you and Niall have known each other for a long time and you feel like this is what’s best for you, but you both are only nineteen. This is also both of yours first real relationship. Maybe you’re moving a bit fast.” Zayn’s mom told him, honesty only present in her eyes. “I don’t want you to get hurt when you’re still too young, Zayn.”
Zayn trusted his mom with his entire being. He always knew her words were meant to make him see things, never criticize. Sometimes she would say something that irked Zayn and he would yell at her but next morning, she would still be nice person she always was and Zayn both loved and hated it.
But in this case, he didn’t think she was right. He was fairly certain he was doing the right thing. (Only later it would prove he should’ve listened.)
“I understand you’re worried about me mom. But sometimes, you’re going to have to learn to trust my judgment. If I get hurt, that’s life. Whether I do or don’t marry Niall won’t assure I will never get hurt. It’s just something we deal with. Okay?” Zayn said. His mom searched in his eyes but nonetheless, nodded and congratulated him one last time.
So like that, they received the blessings they were hoping for and in a couple months’ time, they were walking down the aisle and saying their “I do’s”.
After that, life continued. Both Zayn and Niall were happy together. They bought a house, close to the bar and Zayn’s school. Things weren’t great still, the distance was there and something else that Zayn didn’t really know what it was. But Zayn felt like now they were tied together and that was good.
Zayn still wanted a perfect life though. Both he and Niall would get a little envious when they hung out with other friends and they talked about their beautiful kids. They never really talked about taking the other step but Zayn wanted a kid. Oh, how he did. So finally, he and Niall decided they were going to do.
They were going to adopt.
Zayn wanted a baby. When you saw him, he might not seem like a parent. He sort of seemed like the type of guy to keep away from babies. But that was wrong. Zayn loved having a baby, carrying it in your hands and knowing it’s looking up at you for an example of life. It was a lot of pressure and work to have a kid, but Zayn wanted one; craved for one. Niall wasn’t as crazy about them as Zayn was but he dreamed of having a kid to take to soccer games and play catch with.
Zayn was sure a baby was his only option when entering the adoption agency. He was introduced to other kids there, all looking at him with sort of hopeful eyes and it kind of killed Zayn, knowing he might as well be crushing some children’s dreams of a family; of a home. After meeting the kids and talking to the lady, he promised her he would come back tomorrow with Niall to spend time with some of them and then decided which one they wanted. He was walking out when he saw a kid in the backyard through the open window.
He didn’t necessary see him but hear him actually.
The boy was playing with a soccer ball absentmindedly. His jeans were messy and ripped, his gray sweater open as if meant to look like that but Zayn thought it looked a little too small for his structure, his converse were old and raggedy, and his hair was hidden behind a beany on his head. Headphones were in his ears, an Ipod, Zayn assumed, in his trouser pockets, and he was singing along to one of Zayn’s favorite songs.
“Oh, you should let me love you” the boy sang, his beautiful voice sending shivers through Zayn’s body. Zayn admired talent and music, as he was studying music at school, and this boy outside made it look so easy to be amazing. The lady whom he was talking to suddenly appeared behind him.
“That’s Liam. Liam Payne. He’s 14 and he has been here for about 5 years now.” Zayn turned to stare at her. “He’s a great kid. Very smart and caring, obviously talented. He doesn’t complain or cause trouble.” She smiled at him and looked out the window to call out to the boy. “Liam, honey, dinner will be ready in a couple minutes.”
Liam looked up at her and smiled, giving her a thumbs up. His eyes moved when he noticed Zayn’s body next to her and gave him a curious look. Zayn had never felt so naked under someone’s gaze. Nonetheless, Liam smiled at him and waved before going back to kicking the ball around some more.
Zayn knew that no matter how much he wanted a baby, he needed to have Liam more than anything.
—
Those flashbacks come through Zayn’s mind every now and then, reminding him all of what used to be.
Liam had gotten to know Zayn and Niall the next day when they visited and, although shy at first, he soon opened up and was a great catch. He seemed mature for his age and Zayn thought of him more as a friend than his maybe son. Niall liked him too. Maybe he wasn’t as infatuated as Zayn but he did admit his acceptance towards Liam. After a couple of weeks and a lot of signing, Liam was finally granted as Zayn and Niall’s adopted son.
Zayn felt over the moon that Liam would be able to be with them. He felt like the pieces to his life were finally getting put together. Liam was staying with them.
Sadly, Niall didn’t.
Zayn was sure Niall and his life would work now. But something went wrong. It seemed to him that as much as he tried and tried to make it work, it never would. He would give and give but Niall seemed to miss it all. The distance grew to the point where, even if they both had the day off, they wouldn’t spend it together. They didn’t talk as much as they used to and Niall was even distancing from Liam, ignoring all his request to go and play with him. Zayn told Liam not to take it personally.
Zayn, on the other hand, did.
After the distance, grew the fighting. He and Niall would argue over things that they would forget about the next day, yet they seemed so important at the time. Zayn didn’t know what was happening and he didn’t like it one bit. The strings in his life kept pulling and pulling, getting all tangled together. Although he tried his hardest to untangle them, it would just make it worse.
It finally got to the point where Niall gave up.
Zayn woke up to find Niall and all his belongings gone. He left a note; one that ripped Zayn’s heart.
I’m sorry.
It’s not you, it’s me.
I couldn’t take it.
I felt suffocated.
I still love you.
Niall was Zayn’s best friend, his husband, his soul mate. He was always the one to hold him when he was crying.
This time, he was the one making Zayn cry and Liam was the one holding him.