Work Text:
“Good morning. This is the Baratie restaurant, home of the fighting chefs. How may I help you?”
“Shitty old man, its me. I have some important news. I'm getting married. You're invited, but I know you're too busy working to attend. I just wanted you to know.”
“What did you do bratty eggplant? Knock up some poor unsuspecting girl?”
“What? NO! I'm uh...marryingRoronoaZoroandIdon'tcareifyoudon'tlikeitsofuckyou!”
“I didn't hear you boy. Take the cigarette out of your mouth, you know those things make you sound like you have a dick in your mouth.”
“Speaking of dick...”
“Is this something I'm gonna regret if I ask you to repeat yourself slower?”
“...maybe....”
“Then why didn't you wait until after the fact to tell me?”
“B...because I wanted to invite you to attend, you old fucker!”
“So, let me get this straight. You wanted to invite me to your wedding, then tell me that you don't expect me to attend because I work all the time. And whoever you're going to marry is someone I have to accept, no matter who it is.”
“Yeah! Got a problem with that, shitty old man?”
“Only if she's an idiot like you! Why wouldn't I want to meet her?”
“...Be...because they're a he, not a she.”
“...and?”
“......”
“You...you're not surprised?”
“Should I be? I've known you swing both ways since you were 11.”
“...well fuck. Why didn't you tell me you knew?”
“What? And miss out on this moment?”
“That's not funny! Stop laughing, you old fart!”
“Fine, fine. So, let me speak to your new boytoy.”
“He's not a boytoy! He's my other half!”
“Whatever. If he's with you, he can't be too smart.”
“Fuck. You.”
-Footsteps are heard moving closer to the den den mushi.-
“Hello? Zeff-san?”
“Roronoa Zoro, is that you?”
“Yessir. I'd like to ask permission to marry Sanji. I won't if you don't want me to....”
-in the background- “WHAT? I'm marrying your dumb fucking green ass no matter what the old fucker says!”
“Are you sure you want to marry the eggplant? He's pretty flighty. He once promised his girlfriend Minako that he'd stay by her side forever, and a week later he dumped her and started dating Ethan.”
-in the background- “No fair! I was twelve!”
“...Still there, broccoli-boy?”
“Yessir. I...uh...don't know what to say to that.”
“No matter. You have my permission to marry the brat. After all, you're the one that has to put up with his shit.”
“Uh...”
-in the background- “What shit? I'm perfect!”
“If you're so perfect, why can't you keep a girlfriend?”
“There are so many beautiful ladies out there that it's difficult to choose....”
“So you decided to settle for a guy, is that right?”
“NO! I'm not settling! I...care about him! Deeply!”
“Uh hunh. Which means, no woman will have you.”
“That's not it! I don't want to be with some woman, I want to be with Zoro!”
“You do? I thought you were settling with me.”
“Why the fuck would I just settle with you? If I wanted to be with anyone else, I would be, you stupid plant!”
“See? I'm not the only one that thought you were just settling for a man!”
“......................look Zoro. I love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have asked you to marry me.”
“You asked him?”
“Yeah, he did. Got down on one knee and everything.”
“Don't tell him that! I'll never hear the end of it!”
“Its okay eggplant. I won't tell anyone.”
-a chorus of voices- “Neither will we, right Owner Zeff?”
“AAAAAAAUGH!”