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It wasn’t that Sirius had been nervous about this particular Potions lesson. Not like James, Remus, or Peter had been anyway. He hadn’t awoken with dark circles under his eyes, and he’d been able to eat breakfast that morning just fine.
Why?
He knew the rumors weren’t true.
Slughorn wasn’t going to make them go ‘round in a circle and share what, exactly, they smelled when they wafted the fumes of their freshly-brewed potions to their nostrils. They weren’t going to have to write an essay about any big realizations. Nobody was going to be forced to reveal anything they didn’t want to. And really…Sirius couldn’t see a situation in which he made any life-altering epiphanies at all anyway, even in his own head.
Because he wasn’t in love.
Even with all of the people he’d dated, he never really felt like he had been. So of course, he wouldn’t smell anything surprising when they brewed Amortentia.
Still, he could admit, he was a bit on-edge as he and James exchanged glances, having just finished the final step of the dickishly complicated recipe, and moved as one, wafting the spiraling steam toward their faces. What if he was taken by surprise? The whole thing was a bit jarring.
At first, Sirius didn’t process anything. But after a moment of inhaling, he began to pick apart the multi-faceted but enticingly comforting aroma.
Eyes fluttering closed, a soft smile forming over his lips, he reveled in it for a few seconds.
Freshly washed linens–the smell of clothing that had been laid on his dorm bed just after it’d been laundered. It was slightly floral but not overwhelming, soothing in the memory of warmth it elicited.
Toffee and chocolate–a scent that so frequently permeated every inch of their dorm as well. They were growing boys with a secret passageway to one of the best candy shops in the country. Of course at least one of them had a candy bar open at any given time (Remus, of course, the most likely culprit, but none of them was innocent). Usually it was regular chocolate but Sirius supposed the toffee was a generalization for the other sweets that took up more drawers in their desks than schoolwork did.
And last, fresh earth, pine and the forest–a reminder of those nights running around in his Animagus form with his friends–his chosen family–free from stress, from expectations, from even his own body.
His smile stretching wider, Sirius breathed in again. Yes, just as he thought. He might not be in love, but his Amortentia smelled like love. Like safety and his best friends and like home.
Eyelids fluttering, he opened his eyes to glance over to James, who seemed utterly petrified.
“D’you…suppose we did it right?” the taller boy asked nervously, a bead of sweat dripping slowly down his temple, his sweaty hair sticking to his clammy forehead.
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows at his best friend, a bit confused by his reaction. “Yeah, it looks exactly like it’s supposed to, and mine smells right. “Why? What d’you smell?”
James balked at this, face turning bright red. “Er….” he swallowed thickly. “Erm…lilies, of course. What d’you think?” He chuckled defensively, shifting from foot to foot.
Puzzled by his best friend’s clear discomfort and possible lie, Sirius looked over to Remus and Peter, who were partnered up and working at the next station over.
Remus was as red-faced as James, though he looked far less embarrassed. Rather, he seemed resigned, like he’d known this was going to happen, but he was still rather mortified about it. He was letting out a long sigh, the blush on his face already spreading to his collar, and he looked like he’d received some expected but horrible news.
Peter, on the other hand, looked perfectly cheerful, his whole face pressed close to the cauldron, inhaling bug huffs.
Sirius turned back to James, and, seeing his still-horrified expression, clapped him on the shoulder bracingly. “Don’t worry, Prongs,” he said kindly. “S’just a potion. As long as you don’t smell Snape or some other arsehole Slytherin in there, you’ll be just fine!”
This just made James gulp, though, his face not any more relieved.
Weird.
–--
It was only later, as they trekked back to their dorm, that Sirius started catching whiffs of the scent he’d gotten earlier. He figured that his brain was picking up on it more, now that he knew it was his…love-smell…or whatever. Like he was more attuned to it, maybe?
So, leaning into the whole idea, when he walked over to his bed and saw a pile of newly-laundered clothing on the end, he picked up a jumper and pressed it to his nose, inhaling.
His stomach sank. Something was wrong.
“Hey, Moons?” he asked casually, turning to Remus, who had come up to the room with him so they could both grab some homework. “Does the laundry smell different to you?”
Remus, who had been fishing through his desk searching for a particular set of notes, looked over to him with a flat expression. “Please tell me you’re talking about the clean laundry,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Because I am not about to stick my nose in your dirty pants.”
Yelping in indignation, Sirius threw a nearby pillow in his direction. “Prick! Of course I do. Just…check for me, will you?”
Rolling his eyes again, Remus humored him and pressed his nose into his own folded-up clothing that had been left out for him. “Same as always,” he announced definitively, turning back to his bed.
“What?” Sirius yelled, striding over to the taller boy’s bed and grabbing one of his shirts. Determined, he sniffed it.
There.
That was the clean scent he’d smelled earlier.
“Why does mine smell different?” he asked, half to himself. And, more importantly, why was the scent of Remus’s laundry detergent in his Amortentia? Surely…?
“The soap is charmed to smell different depending on what month you’re born in. That way, we all don’t get used to the scent, I think? Something like that, I haven’t read Hogwarts, A History in ages…” Remus murmured, distracted by the pile of papers he was sorting through.
Oh! That made sense, then. Sirius was obviously smelling a smell associated with both James and Remus, two of his closest friends. Satisfied, he threw the shirt back on Remus’s bed and grabbed his own notes before pulling Remus down the stairs.
___
“Gonna share?” Sirius asked Remus a few nights later, hopping onto the other boy’s bed and sending him a cheeky grin. Remus had been trying and failing to hide the crinkling sounds as he broke into a rather large chocolate bar.
The taller boy, inexplicably, blushed a bit, scooting over more than was necessary to give him ample room on the mattress. But still, he smiled and gave him a fond look. “Always.”
Turning his palm upward and holding it towards Remus, Sirius waited for his allotted piece. But as he watched Remus unwrap the sweet, he realized the wrapper was a different color than usual. “What flavour is that?” he asked curiously.
“Oh! Toffee,” Remus shrugged casually. “I’ve been a bit crazy for it lately. Nearly bought Honeydukes out last time we went.” He chuckled and broke off a piece, dropping it in Sirius’s still-outstretched palm.
A bit frozen, Sirius had to take a moment to process before he gingerly brought the food to his mouth, sniffing.
Yes, that was it. The chocolatey-toffee smell.
He swallowed. Did that mean…?
But in another moment, he shook his head, his unmoving smile relaxing and his eyes flitting to Remus in thanks. Obviously, his subconscious was just filling in the blanks by flavouring the chocolate in his Amortentia. James and Peter liked toffee, too.
This was nothing. It didn’t mean anything.
He popped the candy in his mouth.
It was delicious.
___
They were running late. All of them. Somehow, James, the designated Early Bird of the group, had slept through his alarm, causing all of them to sleep in. So now the whole group was scrambling, running around like madmen, brushing their teeth and combing their hair at the same time, tying ties and struggling with buttons.
Sirius, hopping around the room with one shoe on, desperately trying to find the other, stumbled near Remus’s bed only to find him holding a bottle of nearly-full cologne, his hand in the air about to spray.
“Oi, Moons, can you lend me a spritz?” Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows energetically before diving under Peter’s bed to retrieve the shoe he’d just spotted. “Wormtail pissed in mine yesterday and I didn’t have time to get more yet.”
“I didn’t piss in it, you prat!” Peter called thickly from the bathroom, a piece of floss in his hands. “That would be far too amateur.” He poked his head out of the open door and grinned. “I put essence of skunk in it.” Then he pulled his head back in before Sirius could throw something at him.
“Anyway,” Sirius continued, turning to Remus. “Help a bloke out?”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I have to run. Put it back when you’re done.” He handed Sirius the bottle and grabbed his bag, heading for the door with a shout about having to do early-morning Rounds.
It was only after he left that Sirius tilted his head up to bare his neck and sprayed.
Instantly, he was overcome with the smell of pine and forest.
The very familiar smell of pine and forest.
The same exact scent he’d smelled earlier. In his Amortentia.
“Bloody hell,” he muttered, mouth falling open, heart stopping for several beats before kickstarting into a frenzy, body going cold and sweaty.
But he chose not to tell James or Peter, who were still close by, a word of what he was starting to suspect.
___
It began to eat at him. Keep him up at night and prevent him from looking Remus in the eye. How could he without being mortified? How could he, when every time he did, all of his blood rushed to heat his face, the memory of his Amortentia reminding him that somehow, someway, he’d fallen for his best friend without even realizing it.
But at the same time, every time Remus wasn’t looking at him?
“Why’re staring so much at Moony lately?” James asked him only a few days later as they walked to detention, having been caught trying to mess with the Slytherins’ House Points hourglass the previous night. “At first I thought it was because of that new scar on his cheek but even you’re not that much of a berk.”
Sirius couldn’t come up with an answer. Or, an answer that wasn’t ‘I smelled Remus in my Amortentia and now I can’t stop thinking about his smile and his eyes and his lips and how they would feel on mine.’
So he just grunted. “Why’re you staring so much at me to see who I’m staring at?”
But he was going mad. Because of course he was stupid enough to develop real, honest-to-Godric feelings for one of the few people he really, truly couldn’t live without. One of the few people he trusted and needed in his life. Really, the only person he couldn’t risk things with by sharing how he felt. Because, if he was being honest…he’d never feel that way about Peter, so it was nothing to worry about. And if he felt that way about James, they’d just laugh it off and move on.
But no, things with Remus had always been more of a balancing act. Tenuous and difficult to navigate, but somehow so important that Sirius couldn’t breathe right when Remus wasn’t happy with him. That sometimes Sirius couldn’t think straight because he was so overcome with the need to make Remus smile. That really, he only felt right when they were close. And–
Shit.
Shit. Fuck. Merlin’s left tit.
How long had he been in love with Remus, anyway?
–--
It was during yet another evening of panicking, of pacing around and wishing he’d never smelled that damn Potion because then he could still be blissfully unaware of his mortifying feelings, that he returned to the dorm only to stop short at the closed door, overhearing his name being spoken through the wood.
“...Sirius will kill me,” James was saying desperately, his voice muffled through the thick oak. “S’the very last person I needed to fall for, and yet he’s so…”
“So everything. Yeah, join the bloody club, mate.” Remus replied, chuckling lowly.
Sirius frowned. Who were they talking about? Why would he be mad at James? Had Remus fallen for someone? He pressed his ear to the door.
“...know it’s bad, but listen, at least you’re not gone for your best friend, mate. Sirius’ll get over it when you tell him, I know it. I mean he might be a prick at first, but he’ll be happy in the end. And if your feelings aren’t reciprocated, you can…dunno…cry and move on. But I can never–”
“Moony, honestly, I think you’re being thick. Pads is just as gone for you as you are for him. He’s just…still figuring that fact out for himself,” James interrupted, voice calm.
Sirius, however, was anything but calm. Was he hearing things correctly? Whatever James’s problem was with him took a firm backseat as he listened harder, heart hammering.
“You saw his face when we brewed Amortentia. Don’t you think he would’ve…dunno…reacted a bit if he had any big realizations? And if he already had feelings, he at least would’ve acted a little odd! He’s not as good of a liar as he thinks he is.”
Sirius snorted lightly, frowning. Fuck Remus, he was an excellent liar.
“He was dead calm. Meanwhile, I was a complete prat, I know it, and I knew it was coming! It’s bloody smelled like Pads since fifth year!”
At this, Sirius gasped loudly, unable to hold in his reaction. Of course, this made both boys inside cut off their conversation at once, the sound of footsteps only giving him a few moment’s warning that James was coming before the door flew open.
“Jamie!” Sirius said casually, immediately pulling back and grinning.
But James didn’t seem mad, or even annoyed, at Sirius’s obvious snooping when he greeted him at the door. Instead, he seemed bizarrely triumphant, a devious smile forming on his face as he nodded in welcome. “‘Lo, Pads,” he said, smirking. “I was just leaving. Bye, you two!”
And with that, he swept from the room, leaving both of them standing in a very awkward silence.
“Remus–”
“Don’t, Sirius,” the taller boy snapped, making to leave as well. “Don’t bother with the pity–and don’t you dare take the piss. Just don’t mention it, okay?”
He blinked rapidly. Wait, did Remus think–? “No, I–”
“Leave it,” Remus hissed, turning and glaring at him, chocolate-brown eyes flashing, arms moving to cross defensively over his chest. “I obviously didn’t want you to overhear that. It was kind of shit of you to eavesdrop, but now you know, so just leave it alone, and–”
“Your laundry is different than mine.”
Obviously taken aback, Remus fell silent, his extremely tense frame relaxing a bit with his surprise. “I–what?” he asked, snorting in confusion.
Sirius gulped, internally urging himself to get his thoughts together. He could do this. Remus smelled him in his Amortentia, too. It was okay, he could be honest, right?
But this was still terrifying.
He tapped his foot a few times, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to psych himself up to make a confession. But Remus’s eyes were not helping. “I…I thought I was smelling my laundry, but I was smelling yours,” he explained lamely.
Remus still looked confused.
Sirius didn’t blame him.
“You’ve been…sniffing my clothes?”
“No!” he winced. Fuck, this love stuff was hard. “In…in the potion. I smelled detergent and I thought it was mine. Like, a reminder of the castle feeling safe. But it was your detergent.”
The taller boy narrowed his eyes disbelievingly. “James’s smells like that, too,” he mumbled.
“Yeah,” Sirius chuckled. “But I also smelled toffee chocolate. And pine cologne.”
At this, Remus’s mouth popped open a bit. “You…?” he didn’t seem capable of forming coherent words, either. It made Sirius feel a bit better.
“Mhm,” he grinned nervously, allowing himself to step a bit closer to the other boy, the magnetic pull of him impossible to resist. “It’s…yeah, terrifying, really.”
Hurt flashed in Remus’s eyes.
“No! Not because of…it’s because it’s us. I don’t want to lose you by fucking this up. Hell, I was stupid enough to not realize I felt this way for Merlin knows how long, I can only imagine what else I’ll fuck up,” he clarified, chuckling self-deprecatingly.
But Remus, turning a bit red, smiled softly and stepped closer as well. “Well, you’ve already fucked up a lot already and I haven’t gone anywhere,” he pointed out.
Sirius shot him a playfully offended look, but a laugh slipped from his throat. Merlin, Remus was lovely, wasn’t he?
“Point is, I’m not planning on leaving,” Remus shrugged, edging forward again.
They were nearly chest-to-chest now, the warmth of their breath mingling, the air thick. Sirius’s hands itched to reach out and touch, but he was still ludicrously nervous. “So…now what do we do?” he whispered, biting back a smile.
Chuckling, Remus leaned forward, cupping his cheek with one calloused hand before finally connecting their lips.
Sirius melted.
Yes, he thought as he sighed, hands moving to curl behind Remus’s neck, body pressing to him as close as possible, heat and electricity erupting over every inch of his skin, he had definitely been in love with Remus Lupin for a long time.