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Chapter Text

He had refused and rejected Electroconvulsive therapy before, tensing up and gritting his teeth trying to fight the shocks, the pain, the searing.

The way his brain felt fried and his body ached after, the way he felt memories slip away.

He used to remember the full song his mother used to sing to him, and his dear sister. It helped. Did he still remember it? The way his mother sang it? He tried too.

När trollmor har lagt sina elva små troll och bundit fast dem i svansen. Då sjunger hon sakta för elva små trollen de vackraste ord hon känner. Ho aj aj aj aj buff.

It helped keep him sane. It grounded him.

He could feel fog reaching in as he struggled and tried to stay awake.

He didn’t want this. He felt scared and trapped. They said they wouldn’t shock him again if he agreed.

He just wanted to talk to Zasha, she knew how to read paperwork, but they said no, he was in control of his own medical records. He didn’t feel in control. They put the pen in his hand and told him to sign.

The electricity was starting to hurt… bad. He was seeing stars in his vision and the mumbles of the nurses and doctors around him were growing faint. He was trying to resist.

He had too.

He was scared.

He wanted Zasha.

He wanted Ben.

He wanted Del.

He wanted his mom.

Chapter Text

Something was different.

This wasn’t the activity room!

He was going to miss the day’s activities, and he liked those.

“Come here, Mr Star. We have a surprise for you.” One of the nurses said gently as she wheeled him across the infirmary.

“What surprise?” Star asked, looking around as he was moved along. “I wasn’t told there was a surprise?”

“Oh course not, it's a surprise!” The nurse added.

She wheeled him up to a door and nodded at another nurse who opened the door.

“Johan!”

Star blinked at the woman standing in front of him.

He cocked his head as she opened her arms, rushing towards him.

“Johan! Oh Johanna!” Her eyes were full of tears as she reached him, hugging him tightly.

“Why are you crying?” Star asked gently, not hugging her back. “Who are you?”

The woman holding him started to cry harder. “Johan, Johan please! Johan please, please remember me Johan. Please.”

“My names not Johanna, it's Johnathan.” Star said firmly, he looked up at the nurse behind his chair. “Isn’t that right, ma’am, no more Johanna nonsense?”

The nurse looked pale. “Oh. Yes Mr Star, that's… right.”

The woman stood up, eyes brimming with tears. “Johanna.” Her voice was fragile and weak. “Oh Johan, I'm taking you back to your home, right now.”

“Mrs Nilssen-Star you-”

“You have my name too!” Star exclaimed.

The woman covered her mouth and took a shaky harsh breath. “I’m taking my brother home! Now!”

The nurse put her hands up. “We’ll see what we can do, ma’am.”

“No! He’s my brother! I want him at home!” She yelled louder.

Star covered his ears tensing up. “Please don’t yell, ma’am.”

The woman leaned down and put her hands on Star’s shoulders as she tried to smile at him. “I’m sorry, Johnny, I’m so sorry. We’ll get you home, I promise.”

“Home?” Star looked up at her. “Home? I can go home?”

“Yes Johnny, we’re taking you home.” The woman said softly. She leaned down and cradled his head in her arms against her chest. “I’ll take you home.”

“Who are you?” Star asked gently.

He felt the woman start to sob. “I’m your sister, Johnny, I’m your baby sister, you're my big brother and I love you so, so much Johnny.”

She just held him as she sobbed.

Star thought hard for a while as she cried.

Sister? His sister? Yeah, he had a sister didn’t he!

He reached up and hugged her softly, he started to shush her carefully as he brushed her hair in his fingers. “Please stop crying, I don’t want you to cry.”

“Shh, Johnny, don’t worry. You don’t need to worry about me, I need to worry about you right now, okay?” She said sweetly.

“What’s your name?” Star asked gently, “I can’t seem to remember your name.”

She choked up as she spoke. “Adeline.”

“Adeline.” Star mumbled quietly. “Del… Del, my little troll.”

She gripped Star tightly, burying her face in his shoulder as she cried.

Star pet her hair.

Star couldn’t believe it! He was going outside and he was going with Adeline!

She said she was going to take him to his home.

He didn’t remember having a home, well, besides the infirmary.

“Are we going to live together?” Star looked up and leaned back, looking at his sister pushing his wheelchair. She was funny upside down looking like this.

He watched her smile at him.

But it wasn’t her normal smile, he was sure of it. He didn’t remember her other smile, her normal one, but he was sure this couldn’t be it. He tried really hard, furrowing his brow and giving her a severe look as he tried to remember.

He knew her, he knew her and he knew he loved her. There was no way he couldn’t love her. But that wasn’t her normal smile.

He just had to see it again, he wanted to remember it.

He thought even harder, trying to think of something to say.

He reached back towards her. 

“Varför fågelansiktet? Är du en anka?”

As he finished his sentence he grabbed her sides.

For a moment she looked stunned, then, just how he wanted, she began to laugh, and squealed slightly as he started to tickle her.

“Johnny! Stop that!”

And then, perfectly, it was the smile he was trying to remember.

“I like that smile.” Star stated, stopping tickling her sides so she could breathe. “I prefer this smile, not the other one.”

“Oh Johnny.” Adeline stopped walking, and leaned down over her brother. She crossed her arms on the back rest of the wheelchair and looked her brother in the eyes. Her other smile came back. “There’s no difference in how I smile, I’m so happy you're safe.”

Star frowned, brows furrowing again. All this brow furrowing made his eyes hurt. But that was nothing. The doctors and nurses said so. In any case, he knew this smile. This was a smile he couldn’t quite remember why he’d seen it, but that it wasn’t her happy smile. It was a sad smile. 

A bad smile.

“No, you’re not using your happy smile.” Star said bluntly. “You’re not! It’s not your happy smile at all. It’s your bad time smile. You keep using your bad time smile and this isn’t a bad time! You’re taking me home! This is happy!”

His sister put a gentle hand on Star’s face, rubbing it gently.

“It’s not a bad time, you're right. I’m so happy I can take you home. Fin and Stefen are waiting to see you by the car.”

Star lit up. “Am I going to see truck? My truck?”

Adeline laughed mildly. “Yeah, when we get you home.”

Star stayed smiling. “I like my truck. She’s a great truck.”

Adeline laughed a little more before she stood up, starting to push him again. “Look, Johnny, there’s Fin and Stefen.”

Star looked at the two men fretting near a bright orange car.

One Star recognized quickly, Fin was a nice man. He liked his brother-in-law! He was a good caring man for his sister. Couldn’t have been a better pick.

The other man he understood was Stefen. But that wasn’t him in his mind. Stefen was blurry to him. Where was the teen boy who used to get up with him in the summers and complain about his gruel and hard tack? Who would say his Potatisbullar was better than his mother’s, and beg him not to tell her that. Where was that boy? He missed him.

As they approached the two men looked uncomfortable, like they were wearing bad time smiles.

“How are you feeling, Unc?” Stefen asked softly, leaning down and smiling at Star.

Star cocked his head at Stefen. “Unc?”

Adeline leaned down, her voice shaking as she rubbed Star’s shoulder.

“It’s Stefen, your nephew.” Adeline explained gently. “You're his uncle, Johnny.”

Star looked back at Stefen. “You’ve gotten so big.”

Stefen’s face wasn’t happy as Star had hoped.

He turned and walked away.

Fin reached for him, but stopped when Adeline spoke up. “This is a lot, give him a moment.”

Fin nodded, he looked at Star. “You want to get into the car, John?” He opened one of the back doors.

“That’s not your car.” Star said bluntly. “That’s my apprentices.”

“Zasha is letting us borrow it.” Adeline said. “Go on, can you get in?”

Star leaned his head back, looking up at his sister again with furrowed brow. “I’m not supposed to get out of my chair.”

Adeline nodded. “Can me and Fin help you into the car?”

Star nodded.

Fin and Adeline helped him stand, shaky and unsure, he took a few shuffled steps and managed to get in the car.

They closed the door next to him.

He looked around, he’d not been in the back seat of this car before! It was very pretty, very orange. He liked this orange. It was a sweet, soft and loving colour. It was warm.

He looked out his window at his sister and brother-in-law, and squinted and strained to try and hear them talk through the glass.

Adeline was looking sad, so was Fin. She started to cry again.

Star didn't want her to cry. He couldn't bare it. She shouldn't be crying. It was a happy time. He put his hand on the window as Fin pulled her close and into a hug, petting her hair.

Fin met with his eyes and Star couldn't describe what he felt. But it was bad.

Fin gave him a bad time smile, and a nod. He looked up and said something across the car.

Star turned to look at the other door, hearing it open. Stefen sat down, giving Star a bad time smile. Star cocked his head at him as Stefen looked at him, then looked down at his lap.

The young man hung his head, and covered his face with his hands as his parents got into the front seat.

The car ride wasn’t very nice, it was quiet, and it was loud. Star didn’t like the quiet. He didn't like the loud either. It made him feel bad. He wasn’t supposed to feel bad. The nurses and the doctor said his bad feelings needed to go away, and he needed to stop feeling them.

He was tensing up his fists and gritting his teeth as the car ride continued, he started to shake as he dug his nails into his palms.

He felt someone touch him.

“Stop!” He yelped involuntarily, tensing up and putting his hands on the sides of his face. He jerked away from the touch. The touch made him scared. He didn’t like it. It was too much. Way too much.

“Shh, shh.” He felt the touch again. “It’s okay Uncle Johnny, it’s okay.”

Star kept cringing hard. “Stop! I don’t want it! Stop!”

“Stefen, stop touching him.” Adeline said very loudly. Star clasped his hands over his ears and started to try and drown out the noise.

The touch stopped. Star didn’t like being touched. He didn’t like being touched. Touch was bad.

The loud of the car stopped, and Star took his hands off his ears.

“I’m sorry, Uncle Johnny, I’m sorry.” Stefen said quickly, “You were upset, I wanted to help.”

“D-don’t touch me.” Star quivered. “I don’t like loud. I don’t like touch. I don’t like quiet.”

Star pulled his good leg up to his chest, sniffling a bit as he hugged it close, muttering and repeating his words.

“Hey, hey Johnny it’s okay.”

Star looked up and saw his sister moving from the front of the car to next to him.

“I’m scared.” Star said bluntly.

“No one is going to hurt you. No one is going to be mad at you. No one is going to touch you without asking.” Adeline said gently. “Do you want reassurance? What do you need?”

Star, without thinking, grabbed his sister in a tight hug. 

He was sad. 

He felt bad.

“Oh shh, Johnny, it’s okay.” She said sweetly. “Stefen, get in front.”

“Mom-”

“Now.” She snapped, her voice getting loud again.

Star gripped into her tighter, whimpering at the noise.

He heard shuffling as his sister held him.

“Fin, keep driving, and you boys talk about something, please.” Adeline said gently.

“Maybe we should let him calm down first.” Fin replied, his voice hushed. “And stay quiet, he’s upset-”

“Listen to me, Finnr, he’ll be less upset when he’s home, now talk about something, anything! And drive!” Adeline hissed.

Star cringed and started to yelp louder as he shook.

Adeline softly pet his hair, and leaned his head against her chest.

“It’s okay, Johan. It’s okay.” She whispered softly, sitting down as the car started to get loud again.

But it wasn’t as bad, Fin and Stefen were talking about their fishing route for the next season. And there was a gentle persistent thump in his ear against his sister's chest, he liked it, it was good. It was soft. He could handle it.

“I have a good sister.” Star mumbled. “I love my sister.”

“I love you too, Johan.” Adeline muttered back, petting his hair and rocking him gently. “You’ll be okay, I promise. I promise Johan.”

Star pushed her back, looking at her quietly. “Why do you call me Johan? The nurses said that’s not my name.”

Adeline looked at him with a bad time smile. She pushed his hair back gently. “It’s what our mother used to call you, do you remember?”

Star furrowed his brows, thinking hard. Johan was so familiar. He didn’t know why? When he woke up he only knew a few things. Johanna was familiar, a sweet voice saying it to him softly. Something about trolls.

“The nurses said that’s not my name, it’s Johnathan.” Star said firmly.

Adeline’s bad time smile got more sad. Did he do something wrong?

“Do you want me to only call you Johnathan?” His sister asked.

Star felt bad. “I’m sorry, you can call me Johanna.” Star whimpered.

“No. What do you want?” She asked directly.

“Please don’t be sad.” Star begged. “Please, Del, please don’t cry or be sad. I love you. You can call me Johanna, it’s okay Del.”

Star grabbed the sides of her face, rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs to smear her tears away.

“Shh, Del. My little troll. It’s okay. I like when you call me Johanna. It’s nice.” Star tried to smile at his sister as best he could. “Don’t cry. I’m going home. This is a happy time!”

Adeline looked down. “Yeah, yeah it is.”

“Del, we’re out front.” Fin said, the loud of the car stopped. “I figured that’d be easier.”

“Stefan, go get his chair please.” Adeline said, backing off from Star. “I’ll be right back.” And she patted his face before going out of the other side of the car.

Star was alone in the car for a while.

He looked down at his lap and his hands, his palms had little crescent marks on them again. He tried to rub them off his hands but it didn’t work.

The nurses would be mad again.

He wasn’t supposed to have these little marks. He didn’t know why he had them but they were always after he had been bad. He didn’t like being bad. Why was he so bad?

This is why they made him stay in his chair, in his bed. Why they took his leg and made him stay in all those blankets or go in the baths.

He gripped into the leather of his coat. He huddled down, bringing his collar up to his face.

He started to calm down.

He liked his coat. It was soft. It was warm. It smelled nice. It was acrid, and sterile. But not in the way the infirmary was. Like hand soap he couldn’t recall where he’d smelt but was familiar all the same, and vinegar. He liked vinegar, it’d been a smell he’d smelt his whole life. It was important in fishing, and preserving the catch. And feeding your crew.

He looked up as the door next to him opened.

“You have someone here to see you.” His sister said cheerily, even though her bad time smile was still on her face.

“Who?” Star asked quietly, lowering his coat from his face.

“Oh come on, you’ll see!” And Adeline opened her arms, and Star instantly reached for her.

She pulled him from the car and helped him stand.

He looked around.

He saw his apprentice.

Adeline gently nudged him towards his chair.

Star fumbled to sit then grabbed his rims. “Zash!”

“John?”

Star approached her as quickly as he could. “Zash! How have you been?”

She looked at him, her face was in a bad time smile.

Star cocked his head at her.

“Zasha?”

Chapter Text

Star wasn't sure what all the fuss was about.

He was at his desk! It was familiar, he could find all the knicks and scratches in the wood with ease and knew every one personally. The details of why they were there seemed to escape him, but the warmth of their memories still made him happy. He liked his desk.

He was tracing his finger along one he seemed particularly fond of, a deep enough scratch near the left corner near him, he could run his fingernail into the gash. It escaped him why it made him feel happy and eased, but he knew that it was important to him all the same.

“Isn't that right, Johnathan?”

Star looked up and around, confused. “What was that, ma’am?”

He gave his apprentice a meek smile as she shook her head, giving a mild chuckle. “I said that you're capable of dialing a phone, aren't you?”

Star smiled and nodded, “oh! Yes I am! The nurses taught me how to use a phone!”

He watched his apprentice’s smile waiver, and wondered if he had been bad again. His heart started to ache. He looked back at his desk and kept tracing the scratches.

His sister's voice started to grow loud over the others. “No! He's my brother! Steff and Fin can stay at the apartment! I can be alone for one night!”

Star looked up at her, her face was red and angry and her shoulders hunched as she simmered in her anger. He shrunk down as Fin put a hand on her shoulder, looking at Adeline with a familiar aching love, and she batted it away like it was nothing. He didn't like that.

Zasha sighed loudly, nodding, “Del’s right, she's probably going to have the best presence of mind to make sure he can be on his own.”

Who was going to be alone?

“I've lived with him before,” Stefan said gently, “I know his habits.”

“You’ve got to report back to base in the morning,” Fin reminded his son gently.

“The Navy can wait,” Stefan snapped, “my uncle is more important.”

“Ditching a post is 2 weeks bread and water.” Star interjected, surprising himself with the sudden out burst of knowledge, but it seemed important as Stefan looked defeated and sad.

“I’d do it for him any day,” Stefan said meekly, “mom, this is going to be hard on anyone, let me do it.”

“No,” Adeline said firmly, “no, I owe him so much, this is the least I can do. And bread and water is nothing I'd ask my son to do.”

Star looked back at the desk, tracing the scratches with his fingers, he didn't really know what they were all talking about.

He had forgotten how much he liked his office, he could hear the wind and the sea. It was familiar. It felt warm.

What made him even happier was the sharp, loud blast of a steam whistle.

He looked up and smiled, “that's my boy!”

Star stood up, and stumbled around his desk holding himself up by the wall and desk.

He felt his face heating up and his smile growing as he heard thuds running up the stairs to the office.

The door burst open, and Star nearly yelled in joy as he opened his arms, happiness flooding his entire being.

“Captain Star!”

“Oh! Ten Cents! My Ten Cents!”

Star stumbled forwards a few steps without supporting himself, nearly falling forwards before Ten Cents tackled him to the floor roughly, cheering as he crushed Star into a hug.

Star laughed and clung onto Ten Cents with all his might.

Finally, someone who knew how happy today was!

Star kept laughing as he felt his face growing wet and his chest going tight, he held on as hard as he could to his switcher. This was his Ten Cents, he loved being home.

Star sat up, pulling Ten Cents in a tight vice grip, still laughing, but now he was starting to hiccup and his face and eyes were starting to sting with the wetness.

“My Ten Cents, my Ten Cents,” Star muttered, trying to keep himself as happy as he could as he cradled his switcher in his arms and buried his face in his switcher's shoulder.

“Captain, your hurting me,” Ten Cents gasped, shifting in Stars hold.

He felt someone touch his shoulder, and all Star knew to do was hold on tighter.

“You can't take my Ten Cents, please-” Star hiccuped and let out a cry and a sob, “he's mine, please. Please.”

The sound of his apprentice's soft voice touched his ears. “Ten Cents isn't going anywhere, Johnny, you’re home now. You can be with him whenever you two have time. I promise. But if you squeeze him to pieces I'll have to take him to Lucky and you know Lucky will take at least a full day to glue him back together.”

Star sniffled, nodding quietly as he let go of his switcher and started to rub his sore eyes. “I'm sorry, that was bad of me.”

“No, no it was sweet of you, John.” Zasha said with a gentleness as she rubbed his shoulder, “you are a good captain.”

Star looked at Zasha and smiled. “No, you're a good captain, I'm just an old man.”

“What happened?” Ten Cents sounded upset and scared, “who hurt you? Why are your eyes so bruised?”

Ten Cents looked sad as he grabbed Star's face. He rubbed Stars stinging cheeks with his thumbs.

“Please don't be sad,” Star said, his voice breaking up as he felt his chest tremble. “Today is a happy day! I'm home!”

Star put his hands weakly over his switcher's, he sniffled and tried to calm down, but his switcher looked so sad, and he knew it was his fault. Why must he have been so bad?

“Why don't we all take a few moments to recombobulate and then go and eat, hey?” Zasha said, clapping her hands as she stood.

Ten Cents tore his hands away, and Star felt everything in his soul ache as his switcher stood looking hurt and upset.

Why was he so bad all the time?

Chapter Text

Star felt his hand trembling as he picked up his percolator.

All he wanted was to do something for his beautiful baby sister who spent the night with him. But while he was home and he knew how to make breakfast, and he knew he knew how, everything seemed foggy and a struggle.

It was coffee. He had made it before and he knew he had. He had made it before and he’d made it enough that he still understood it. But it was hazy.

Everything felt hazy.

He had woken up and all he could remember was that he now woke with restraints. This morning he hadn't had them. He felt like he deserved them for making everything so bad the day before. But he felt happy he didn't have them. He was able to get up and make water and now he was pouring coffee in a cup for his Del.

Sweet Del.

He talked to her until he could barely keep his eyes open the night before. She made dinner and it was perfect. It was good enough that he felt that wet stinging. It made him think of trolls. He wondered why he thought of trolls a lot. The nurses said trolls were silly fake things that he didn't need to worry about, and didn't need to talk about and scare others with. But they didn't worry him. He liked them.

They made him happy, but his bad thoughts had to go. He sighed as he put a cup of coffee in his lap and started to carefully roll across his office towards where his sister was barely stirring awake.

He stopped beside her cot, then gently reached out and rubbed her shoulder. “Del, are you awake?”

His sister groaned, but rolled over, “Stefen go back to your room.” She mumbled.

She opened her eyes, then made a small squeak of surprise and sat up in a quick motion that Star wasn't expecting.

Star yelped in return and jumped in his chair, the coffee in his lap spilling on him and crashing to the floor, the mug shattering.

The noise made Star yelp a second time, hands snapping to his ears as he seethed, his leg started to hurt.

“Oh Johanna, I'm so sorry.” Adeline said quickly, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Shh, I didn't recognize you. I'm so sorry Johan.”

Star kept his eyes closed as he started to shake and cry, hands still clutched over his ears and his leg hurting more and more.

He cracked open an eye to look at his leg and saw the shattered mug.

He has been bad again. He had been awful, terribly bad and that's why the nurses kept him in his bed with straps and made him take baths and be quiet and shut up.

Why was he so bad? He shouldn't be home if he couldn't behave. He was stupid and wrong and bad. He was bad. He couldn't do anything but be bad. He ruined everything.

“Johan, it's okay.”

Star was puzzled as his sister held him gently, placing his head on her chest and slowly rocking him. She started humming.

Star felt overwhelming sadness with her hums and the sounds of her breath and heart beat.

Why did she care if he was bad? Maybe that's what sisters did. Well, he was only a brother so he didn't know. But he did know what brothers did.

They took care of and loved their sisters.

He had tried to do that this morning, now look where he was.

“I ruined the floor and my pants and the mug and your coffee and my legs.” Star sniffled.

“You didn't ruin anything,” Adeline contradicted. “I scared you, that's okay, that's my fault. Why don't we get you dressed in some fresh clothes and get ready to go to breakfast, hm?”

Star sniffled, he didn't deserve breakfast.

“Okay….”

Chapter Text

“You remember my fiance, don't you Johnny?”

Star looked between Zasha and the rather uncomfortably familiar man.

“I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember his name.” Star admitted, looking up at the man and feeling a warble of something he couldn't place as the man sniffled.

He didn't like this man.

“Manuel, It's Manuel Rothschild,” Zasha reminded gently.

Yes, he didn't like Rothschild.

And while he knew that was a bad thought, he wasn't particularly sure that this time he would need to get rid of the thought. He knew other people had to feel the same way. The same way he just knew how to brush his teeth. And if multiple people thought the same way about someone then it must have been true. Some people were just bad and it was okay to hate them.

That's what the nurses said.

He tried to think of an example and furrowed his brows. Everyone seemed to be liked by at least someone.

Then he remembered something for a flash.

He felt his heart lurch and his throat tighten.

He was a bad man. A bad man who did bad things to him. Very very bad things. Star shook his head lightly trying to get the thought out of his head.

He didn't like that thought. It was a bad thought.

Rothschild gave Star a curt nod. “I heard you're back from a medical facility, Mr Star.”

Star reeled, not liking the way that this Rothschild spoke to him as he adjusted his sleeve and sniffed again.

Whatever meant he was not able to be near this man was the only thing on his mind now.

He watched as Del and Zash started to chatter, Fin and Rothschild looking at each other and adding in mildly.

Star knew this wasn't a situation he was a part of.

He looked around the apartment, it was warm and bright. It was familiar in a vague sense, he'd seen it before but not enough to know it.

Grabbing his rims he started to wander.

He found himself going through a laundry closet, it was as organized and clean as the nurses stations.

He didn't like the hospital, it wasn't home.

It didn't smell like ocean air, it didn't have charm.

But this room didn't turn his stomach like the hospital had.

It was sterile, but not in a way that made him feel sick. The smells were soap and vinegar. Like his jacket. And anything that smelled like his jacket was good enough- no- perfect for him.

He kept going through the other door.

The apartment seemed to go on forever, on the other side of the laundry closet there were doors to more rooms than he could count. He saw one door was open to a washroom. He’d try to remember that.

Another door was open, he creeped into the doorway.

The room itself was an office, but not like his. There was no bed and everything was organized and put away. And the books. A wall of bookshelves held more books than he’d ever seen and items were mixed in, like a museum.

Lastly was the desk.

The desk itself wasn't too notable besides being large, but at the desk was a man working on something that seemed very complicated, some kind of appliance Star couldn't recognize from how taken apart it was. And while the room wasn't particularly dark, the desk had a very bright lamp pointed at it, Star couldn't make out who the man actually was. But he was familiar.

Star felt overwhelmed, he couldn't really figure out why.

He knew he had done something bad. He couldn't remember what no matter how much he furrowed his brows and tried to think.

Star realized the other man had stopped working on his device.

Stars hands started to tremble.

He didn't know anything.

“I see the cat dragged you home, sailor.” He huffed and leaned back, he took a drink as he put down a set of pliers. The voice made his stomach feel like he was going to be sick.

He had done something very bad.

But he also had an overwhelming urge to correct him.

“No, Del and Fin and Steffan brought me home yesterday.” Star corrected, he didn't know how a small cat could have dragged him home. It would have to be a pretty strong one. But then, he also wasn't supposed to correct people anymore. 

He couldn't stop being bad.

The man looked at him with an expression that Star could not describe. The blinding light still made it hard to see him.

Then the lamp clicked off.

The room now felt dim, and Star blinked hard and rubbed his eyes under his glasses trying to get them to see good again.

When he looked back up, he wished he couldn't see the man again.

Now standing and walking towards him was, well… well it was?

Star just looked, his body and mind were churning in ways that made him uncomfortable and sick.

“Johnathan?”

Star looked up at the other as he spoke. His hands trembled more.

“I’m sorry,” Star rattled out, his body starting to tremble and his eyes stinging. “I… can't remember but you got hurt didn't you?”

“What are you on about?”

“Does it still hurt?”

Star reached a shaking hand out, pushing aside a bit of the other's house coat and touching an area he was drawn too on the man's right side near his belly button.

“I'm sorry I can't remember that well, but you got very hurt didn't you? And I did something bad, didn't I?”

The other pushed Star’s hand away with a gentleness that made his body ache worse.

“Johnny….”

Star looked up at the other, and furrowed his brows further.

“What's your name again, I… I can't remember a lot of things very well.”

“Zero… Ruben Zero.” The other took Star’s hand and gently pulled him forward, pulling Star and his wheelchair across the room towards a chair, “but just call me Ben.”

“Ben…” Star was puzzled, he was overwhelmed.

All those names were familiar, and they were all his names? They felt like different people to him. Maybe he was just confused.

“Did you cut your hair?”

Star reached up and ran a hand through the short, pokey back of his hair. “The nurses cut my hair every 2 weeks.”

“They cut your hair?”

And Ben took Star’s other hand in his own as he sat in a chair.

“They said it is messy and unruly if I don't cut it.” Star elaborated, “When I was at the hospital my first haircut took so long they had to strap me down. They said I was really dirty.”

Ben squeezed his hand tightly, and it was almost too tight, but Star felt like he missed this, it was the nicest hug he’d had for a while. Was it a hug?

Yes.

“You don't remember anything really, do you?” Ben asked quietly.

Star had to admit that he really didn't. “I know things, but I don't remember things like I should. Yesterday I was at the hospital and I saw Del, and I knew her, but I couldn't remember her name or who she was to me. I wish I could. Maybe then I wouldn't be bad.”

“Why does that make you bad?”

Star sniffled and looked at Ben, his brows furrowing again.

“Everyone is sad, and acting like something really bad has happened. And if I know anything I know it's my fault. I’m bad, I'm disgusting and terrible. That's why I had to be at the hospital, that's what the nurses said. I was there because they had to make me not bad and get rid of all my disgusting awful things. And they had to teach me how to be good, and stay in my chair and my bed and not make things worse by being unsanitary and filthy. All my thoughts are bad and I make everyone feel bad.”

Ben squeezed Star's hand tighter, his fingers digging into Star's knuckles. It stung. Star didn't think that was bad.

“Johnny you are not bad or filthy,” Ben said with an authority that rattled in Star's chest. “I promise you that.”

Star knew he was wrong, he had to be bad.

It explained everything.

“You probably feel like everyone is sad because of you, and that can't be further from the truth. Johnny, the doctors hurt you badly, and that's why everyone is sad. You don't deserve what happened to you, and you were never broken or disgusting. Nothing ever broke you of being you before, it's… it's unfathomable how badly they had to hurt you to make you not you.”

“But I am me?”

Ben gripped Star’s hands tighter, shaking them just a little. “You are, you’ll always be you, but you’ve been hurt, Johnny. You’ve been hurt and altered. You are you. No one is going to be mad at you or stop loving you, but things will be different now. I'm sure you noticed that.”

Star looked at Ben gripping his hands. He squeezed the other man's hands back gently. “I couldn't make coffee this morning.” Star looked at his lap in disappointment. “I wanted to make Del coffee and it was hard, Ben. I know how to make coffee, it shouldn't be hard.”

Ben nodded curtly, rubbing his thumbs over Star's knuckles. “And you don't want to be in your wheelchair, do you?”

“No,” Star felt a bad, bad feeling rising in his chest. “I don't like my chair. It makes me feel bad things.” Star's hands tightened on Ben's until they were shaking. “When I’m in the chair everything is hard, people have to help me with things. But the nurses, they said I had to stay in it. I had to! And when I got out they would tie me in it. And if I was bad they put me in baths! And tied me into bed!”

Ben squeezed Star’s hands back. “Let it out, Johnathan, it's okay.”

“No, it's not! Because I’m bad and because I’m bad I make everyone else feel bad.” Star shut his eyes hard as they started to sting. “I don't want to be bad, I don't want to make anyone feel bad. But everything is hard and confusing. It didn't used to be, did it?”

“No,” Ben said quickly, his voice hushed. “Life isn't easy and doesn't always make sense… but you're hurt, Johnny, the doctors did this to you. You deserve anything but this.”

“Am I going to get better?" Star asked, his voice raw and quivering.

Ben squeezed his hands tighter.

“I don’t know. But you don’t have to be alone while you try.”

Ben let go of Star’s hands, standing and looking up.

“Oytzer, he’s in here.”

Star turned and looked at the door.

“I’m so sorry, dad, we lost track of-”

His apprentice stopped talking as Ben held up a hand, and waved her back towards the door.

“Zash, let’s talk.”

“Dad I really am sorry, we-”

“You can’t babysit him every second of the day, he’s not a toddler, he’s impaired.”

“He’s-”

Ben put his hands on Zash’s shoulder’s, looking up at her and quietly shushing her. “He’s not ever going to get his bearings unless you let him explore and be alone.”

His apprentice sounded sad, and upset. “Dad, he’s gone, he-”

“He’s not gone. He’s Johnathan Star and he’s confused and he’s scared but that’s not the Johnny I want to hang on a meat hook!”

There was a pause as his apprentice looked at the floor, looking sadder yet. Then Del squeezed through the door behind her.

“Real classy, Ruben.”

“Adeline, shut up.”

“You don’t get to speak to my wife that way, Zero-”

“Yes, he is, Finnr.”

Star looked back down at his hands, everyone was talking in such a harsh, mean way because of him.

“The John we’ve seen grow into a stubborn old nimrod is still here, but he’s been hurt. I might have feelings about the man, and Hashem trust me I have feelings about that stubborn ass, but if he had gone out for a walk when it was icy like he’s not supposed to and fell and bashed his skull in he’d be in a similar state, wouldn’t he? And we’d be dragging him around like fussy children mad with the situation, but not treating him like this, but we’d at least be mature about it. Not all of this moping and mourning about not being able to fix this. He’s still here, he’s right there.”

Star looked up as Ben gestured at him, the man clearly a funny pink colour as he talked fast and loud.

“That is not the Johnathan we know now, and it’s not the Johnathan that he used to be a child, he’s somewhere between the two. It’s what happens when you have a major head injury, and that's what’s happened, really, he’s had a head injury. I know about head injuries, and I know that he deserves us to treat him like a person, even if he’s abnormal.”

Fin was turning a funny colour now as he pulled Adeline into a tight hug.

“Ruben, this isn’t the time for you to be making the girls upset.” Fin’s voice was sharp and angry. “Stop talking like you know everything.”

“I know head injuries.” Ben’s voice was more desperate now, “I know head injuries.”

“No, you’re just a business man, and a scummy one at that.” Fin snapped.

“I know head injuries!” Ben snapped back, starting to shake. “I’ve seen dozens and dozens of head injuries just like this!”

“Yeah, because you’ve probably bashed in their skulls, you sick freak!”

“In the war, Finnr!” Ben’s voice was shaking more and his volume was rising.

Star grabbed his rims and started to approach the group slowly.

“Do you know how- how many men I watched lose themselves like he has? It’s a medical miracle that his brain hasn’t liquified and leaked out of his eyes or his ears or nose or mouth! I can’t believe that someone decided the best w-way he could live was to- to put a-”

“Daddy,” his apprentice gently took Ben’s hand, “daddy, why don’t you get a drink?”

“I can’t have a drink just because I'm neurotic, I’d be a drunk.” Ben squeaked back, his voice thin.

“Ruben I’m sorry, we’re all upset I shouldn’t have-”

“No, Fin, you’re just trying to protect your family. You’ve nothing to apologize about.”

Star finally reached the group.

Gently, he pulled at Ben’s sleeve, “Is there anything I can do? To stop everything being bad?”

Ben looked down at Star, he pulled his arm away from the man just long enough to make a deep, hard cough into his arm.

Then, he gently put a hand on Star’s shoulder.

“You are not bad, John. You haven’t done anything wrong. We’re all upset about something to do with you but we’re not upset with you.”

Star nodded, and looked at his lap.

“Okay…”

“Well,” Zasha clapped her hands together, “why don’t we go get lunch, okay?”

Chapter Text

Happy.

Her roll was soft.

His berth was cozy.

Her fire’s last flames kissed him sweetly.

He loved her.

He rolled over, gripping into the blanket his mother had made him.

Mysa creeked, rocking him in her sway.

It was peaceful.

He was safe.

Mysa creaked again, louder.

“Jag älskar dig, Mysa.”

He could feel her warmth, her sails full of wind.

Her whispers made him smile.

She cared.

She loved.

He was hers.

She cradled him.

He could feel her warmth wrapping him, she protected him.

But not well enough.

He felt his blanket get ripped away.

He knew what was coming.

His breath pitched up, he curled up into a ball as he started to whimper.

“Nej!”

He felt his shirt be grabbed, he was dragged from his berth.

“Nej! Pappa Nej!”

He hit the floor of Mysa’s kitchen.

“Nej! Nej Pappa Nej! Snälla Pappa!”

He curled up on the floor, trying to cover his body as he was kicked in the gut.

“Nej! Snälla! Nej!”

Star sat up, tears streaming down his face.

“Nej! Nej! Please nej!”

Star felt bad.

The bad man was in his head.

He started to hiccup and sob, curling up and yelling in pain.

Star couldn’t do anything but scream, fear causing his body to shake.

Why did this keep happening?

Why did he keep thinking about the bad man?

As he wailed, and screamed in fear, he felt something touch his arm.

He defensively curbed up, tucking his chin to his chest as he put his hands over the back of his neck, falling into a ball on his side with his knee to his chest.

 Bad.

Hurt.

His body hurt.

Pain.

His body hurt.

It hurt.

Bad bad man.

Hurting.

Pain.

Pain.

Touching him.

Hurt.

Touching.

Stop.

Bad.

Pain.

Touch.

Pain.

Forced.

Pain.

Bad.

Bad.

Star let out another scream as he felt another touch.

“Johnathan shh, Johnny it’s okay.”

Star writhed as he was grabbed and forced into some kind of tight hold.

Still screaming, he tried to get away for a moment before a vice strong, nearly fullbody feeling of tightness washed over him.

He could smell the ocean.

He couldn’t move.

He could hear a rhythmic hiss of air.

His final scream started to falter, whimpering out as he dug his nails into the wet, shaking body against him.

“It’s okay, he can’t get you Johnny, I promise, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Star kept shaking and crying as he clawed in against the pressure surrounding him.

“Bad! Bad man!”

“Let it out. It’s okay Johnny. I promise, he can’t get you.”

“He’s bad, he’s a bad man.”

“I know, it’s okay Johnny. He’s gone, I promise.”

“He hurt me.”

“Shh, Johnnycake, shhh,”

Star gripped his nails into the person he was clung to, burying his face in the wet, cold smell of the ocean and against the sounds of wind and air.

Star tensed up at the sound of a door slamming, yelping in surprise.

“Dad-”

“Keep the noise down!”

Star sniffled as he tried to grasp in tighter, hoping to block the sounds around him.

“Shh, Johnny, shh, he can’t get you.”

Star felt himself hiccup, shaking and gripping on for dear life against the tight presence.

“He hurt me. I hate him.”

“I won’t let him get you, I made sure he can’t.”

“Ben, you’re bleeding.”

Star pulled away from the hold.

“Del?”

“Oh, I’m right here Johan, I’m here.”

His Del sat down on the bed, smiling at him with that sad smile.

Star sniffled, he went to rub his face but his wrist was caught.

“Johnnycake, can we clean you up?”

Star looked at Ben, who was soaking wet and holding him. He looked at his hand.

His fingers were red, and sticky.

He sniffled hard, swallowing. “Oh no, no I- I hurt myself didn’t I?”

“No, no Johnnycake-” Ben held Star’s hand. “It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong. You aren't bad.”

Star sniffled again, “b-but the- the nurses said I was bad when I-”

Ben took Star’s face in his hands, his voice coarse, “Johnnycake, you are not bad. Do you understand?”

Star sniffled, the moment of fear from Ben grabbing his face leaving, his shoulders falling and his body relaxing.

“Okay, Ben."

He felt a little okay.