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Noya falls in love with Asahi in three realizations.
The first one is immediate; it’s an assessment of form. Asahi is big. Not just tall – everyone is always tall around Noya, that’s not new. What’s new is the way Asahi fills out his shoulders, and arms, and pecs, and has hair on his chest instead of painful zits all over his back like Noya. And then there’s the incident about two weeks in where he pops a button off his uniform when changing after club and sighs to Daichi-san about sizes and needing new clothes practically every month, and that evening Noya goes home and decides that he isn’t jealous, he’s not; he knows he’s never going to have what those other guys have, but maybe, maybe, he can just have Asahi instead.
The second comes in waves, as Noya then worms himself into Asahi’s life. Asahi is soft. His big shoulders drop when he tries to look smaller, and his hands rub the hem of his clothes when he’s nervous, and his hair falls down his face when he walks in the hallways. This, Noya discovers, is like catnip to him. He can’t stop seeking Asahi out, watching him startle when Noya yells his name through the hallways, and startle when Noya barrels through to stop at his side, and relax when he realizes that it’s just Noya. He has a nice smile, Noya thinks. When he’s nervous, he clenches his jaw, but when he smiles, it mellows into a curve that makes Noya’s fingers itch, and then, sometimes, he has to make Asahi repeat himself because he’s so focused on not touching.
This is the third and final realization that seeps into Noya as he spends all his free time at school invading Asahi’s personal space: Asahi is interesting.
He carries a sketchbook everywhere with him, even though he rarely draws in public. He touches it sometimes as if to make sure it’s still there. Noya goes out with him for clothes and discovers that Asahi has opinions on fabrics and cuts, informed ones at that. Sometimes, he forgets to measure his words and deadpans some scathing comment that he immediately tries to take back when Noya laughs in surprise; and then he argues, more with himself than with Noya, about the actual meaning of his words, and Noya doesn’t get how someone can think that much, but he loves that Asahi speaks as if Noya deserves to be included in everything that goes on in his head. Loves it so much.
And that’s it, right there. Noya is doomed. There is no scenario in which he doesn’t fall head over heels for Asahi, and there is no scenario in which he manages to stay away from him long enough for the feelings to pass. He’s falling so absolutely in love that he doesn’t even have the energy to freak out about it, even though he specifically aimed for Karasuno so he could let the girls’ miniskirts evacuate the concept of homosexuality from his existence.
And so, at least, he decides, he’s going to be a man about it.
He’s going to fall hopelessly in love with Asahi Azumane, and he’s going to keep being his friend, and he will have his heart broken in every possible way, and he’s going to face it and live with it.
He’s ready.
What he’s not ready for is the nervous jitter and the shaking voice of Asahi as he explains, one evening, on their way out of volleyball practice, that he would love to take Noya on a date some time.
“Like, you know. Just the two of us,” he insists, with a little smile at the corner of his mouth and a little gleam in his eyes, not that Noya is staring intently, you know.
It's suddenly very hard to say anything. He should be smiling and raising his thumbs or gently slapping Asahi's arm, but right now, the amount of casual physical contact he has established as a baseline for their friendship feels a little too damning.
Asahi probably doesn’t mean date like, you know, date. If he did, he would likely be a lot more freaked out about it. Asahi loves freaking out about things.
“Or, you know, I mean, if you don’t want to, I totally get it. I’m sorry if I’m misreading the situation here, I just—”
“No, I want to hang out with you!” Noya says, anxiety overridden by Asahi’s sudden flailing around. “Let’s hang out! Totally!”
“You, huh… yeah?” Asahi asks, timidly. A smile appears on his face that Noya has to stop looking at before his heart flatlines.
He can feel the information gliding off of him. Like in class or with homework, when his focus is shifting away and he knows that he’s going to miss important material but he can’t bring himself to make an effort, and, oh well, he’s going to flunk this exam anyway, it’s stupid, whatever. He should be listening, it’s just that his brain is suggesting that there is something more important to rotate in his head, consequences be damned.
Man, he thinks. This is going to suck when I get my heart broken.
He doesn’t really think about it until Thursday morning, when Ryû asks if he wants to come with him to the arcade this weekend, and Noya says: “Can’t. I’m going out with Asahi.”
“Oh, where?” Ryû asks, and then, “You can bring him.”
Which makes Noya have two realizations.
The first:
“I don’t actually know?”
The second:
“He said he wanted it to be just the two of us, though.”
He probably, Noya thinks, said it specifically so that Noya wouldn’t start inviting Ryû and Ennoshita and half the volleyball team; because… because… well, it’s simply not the same if everyone is there. Or maybe Asahi wants them to do something that they can’t do if there are too many of them? He really can’t remember him saying anything about what they would be doing. Should have paid more attention.
Ryû has stopped changing. He’s frowning a little. Vexed? No—concerned?
“Dude, I… I don’t know… sorry, how to ask, but… do you and Asahi… like each other?”
“Huh?” Noya feels himself startle. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just something Ennoshita said—and I mean, I don’t mind it! It’s totally okay if you guys are… hum… dating or somethi—”
“Dat—no! I mean, what? Why—no!” Noya feels himself turn red, unable to settle on an answer. It feels like a trap. Asahi and him are not dating, but, well, Noya can’t say he has been acting perfectly friendly with him either. He’s tried to keep it cool, but maybe he hasn’t been as subtle as he thought.
Ryû joins his hands against his forehead.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to be rude! Forget I asked!”
He’s always so polite, Ryû, in a way that would make Noya’s grandfather beam with joy. As he tries to steer the conversation to something else, Noya feels his heart sting.
“I’m not offended,” he tells Ryû before anything else can be said.
He’s not going to date Asahi, but… isn’t it good to know that Ryû would support it if they were dating? Or if Noya decided to pursue another guy. Not that he’s planning to. Not right now. But still. Wouldn’t it be nice to know he wouldn’t lose all of his friends, if he did?
He said he was going to be brave about it.
Noya sighs.
“You’re not… wrong, about—about me, at least.”
“I don't see why you don't just confess,” Ennoshita says, leaning back in his classroom chair.
Turns out, the “something Ennoshita said” was about flirting. About Noya and Asahi flirting. Which, according to him, is obvious enough to tell Ryû about it, and then involve him in obtaining information and reporting back. And now, here goes Noya's normal lunch break.
Which is silly because they haven't been flirting. Well. Okay, maybe Noya has been flirting, a little bit. Sometimes. But all Asahi has been doing is gracefully deflecting with jokes and that pretty, embarrassed smile that makes Noya want to do it again. He's been so brave, really, with all the holding back he's been doing.
“Asahi isn't like that,” Noya answers in between mouthfuls of rice. “We're friends. We're not—he's not flirting.”
He's ready to face Ennoshita's unimpressed look – Ennoshita, he has learned, is a devil – though much less Ryû's embarrassed twist of the mouth.
“I don't know, he just… lets you bother him a lot,” he says.
“I don't bother him!”
“No, but you, like, lean on him and stuff…”
“With you too.”
“No. Not like with him.”
Noya flushes. This is low. So what if he isn't as subtle as he was hoping to be? First off, rude to point it out. Second, it still doesn't mean anything.
“Asahi is just being nice,” he mumbles, trying to hide his redness behind his food.
“Yes, because he likes you,” Ennoshita concludes. “Talk to him.”
Noya doesn't need to talk to Asahi. Not about that. He has the strength of mind to handle his crush, he doesn't need his friends to be supportive. All they're doing in the end is messing with his head.
He doesn't need to be reassured.
“Hey, Asahi.”
“Hm?”
“Are we, like… good?”
“What?”
Noya looks up at him, walking next to him on the sidewalk. He looks at the closeness of their shoulders – he does stand really close to Asahi all the time. Maybe Ryû and Ennoshita are a little right about Noya being a nuisance.
He gestures at the space.
“Is this good? Like, when I’m this close. It’s not bothering you?”
“...No?” Asahi hesitates. “Is it supposed to?”
“No, I mean, I'm just checking.”
“Oh. I'm good.”
He turns back to the road. They're getting close to where Asahi lives, which is a pretty big detour for Noya, but the point where they should part ways always feels too close. They're always still engrossed in conversation by that time, it's only when they reach Asahi's street that silence finds them. Like now.
“I'm just saying that you can tell me if I'm being clingy, you know.”
Usually, he would punctuate this by gently pressing against Asahi for emphasis, but right now it feels like it would not carry the intended meaning of “I'm not going to be mad at you,” so he holds back. He tries to think of something else to do with his hands.
Before he can find it, something brushes against his knuckles, and then Asahi's hand grabs his and presses it against his thigh.
“I don’t think you’re clingy,” he says.
His face is very red. For a second, Noya forgets how to think about things.
He probably doesn’t mean anything by it. He just did it to close the distance, to make Noya feel at ease. He can’t know this is having the opposite effect.
It’s fine. They’re almost there. Noya can be brave for two minutes.
(That night, after he’s rather awkwardly waved goodbye to Asahi with a hand that felt like it was on fire, he stares at his ceiling and, for a moment, considers that bravery really sucks.)
Ennoshita and Ryûnosuke do not take the news with the kind of embarrassed bad faith that Noya expects them to. But they don’t gracefully recognize having stepped out of line, either.
They stare in awkward silence, long enough for Noya to feel shame creep up his cheeks.
“What!” he barks, in a really lame attempt to keep the upper hand—he can feel it failing in real time. It’s humiliating. “It doesn’t mean—it’s not how you think.”
“I don’t know...” Ryû grimaces, seemingly looking at Ennoshita for clues, the traitor. “I mean, it’s better if it is, right?”
“It’s not,” Noya insists. It’s pulling at his heart, and really, they’re being mean. “Asahi isn’t… he’s not like that.”
“He has long hair and dresses well,” Ennoshita sighs. “Him holding your hand is the least obvious hint.”
“Dude,” Ryû whispers.
“Caring about looks doesn’t automatically make someone gay,” Noya protests.
“And holding your hand?”
Noya, in a desperate move, tries to hit Ennoshita with his bag. The fucker escapes through the crowded hallway before Noya can make him eat his words.
“Sorry,” Ryû says, as he goes to follow. “I just don’t think it’s really what you think it is?”
It's a little rude, frankly. They're rude. Noya had a plan all laid out to get his heart broken on his own terms; he should not have told anyone anything. Doesn't Ryû understand? He's had his heart set on his own impossible girl, and it's not like Noya has tried to give him false hopes.
He hates that it makes him awkward around Asahi, too. Hates that he stares at his rolled-up sleeves and at the hair behind his ears like hints of the court. Hyper-aware of himself settling into position. Into position for what?
“Sorry, I was thinking about something else,” he has to admit when Asahi waves a hand in front of his face to bring him back into their conversation.
“I see that.” Asahi smiles. “What’s got you so focused?”
“Nothing. Ryû’s been bothering me. About…” Noya hesitates. He doesn’t want to confront Asahi about a conversation he has nothing to do with; he can’t just ask him if he’s gay. On the other hand, he’s already halfway in, isn’t he? “… clothes. Looks. Hey, how long do you spend on picking outfits?”
Asahi waves a hand. “Oh, don’t compare yourself to me, I take forever. I’ve… already been planning for tomorrow, actually, so I don’t run late.”
“Oh, yeah? I haven’t even thought about it.”
Since he still doesn’t know what they’re doing, Noya doesn’t even know if he needs to prepare for something. He should probably at least worry about needing sports clothes or not…
“I guess it’s easier when you have a distinctive style?”
“Huh?” Noya blinks. “You mean me?”
“Yeah, you know… the hair, and the way you wear your uniform, it’s very…” Asahi seems to run out of steam halfway through the sentence and blushes. Noya fights against the urge to say something to deepen that blush. “… You look good, I mean,” Asahi finishes and then hides his face in his hands.
Noya stops raking his brain for a funny thing to say. Stops thinking entirely, in fact.
“Um,” he says, because he doesn’t trust himself with any actual word.
“So, you know. I kind of want to impress you, I guess,” Asahi mumbles from behind his hands.
Later, when Ryû finds him unusually distracted during afternoon practice, Noya asks: “Do you think I look good?” and Ryû sighs deeply but doesn’t give an answer.
In the evening, Noya turns his drawers around, looks at all of his clothes, tries outfits on with increased desperation, fighting off the curious looks and teasing of his sisters. Locked up inside the bathroom, he looks at himself in the mirror and wonders how much effort he wants to put into impressing Asahi for something that isn’t a date.
It’s not a date.
There’s no seduction happening.
It kind of sucks, actually.
If he’s being really honest with himself, and not just posturing to win an argument against Ennoshita, he kind of wants it to be a date.
Shit. He has been freaking out about it, hasn’t he?
He’s not brave. He just has it bad, and he can’t handle it.
And so, when he meets with Asahi in front of the park the next day, he has a whole new plan. He’s going to make sure the afternoon goes perfectly, and at the end of it, he’s going to confess his feelings and gracefully accept the rejection, and Asahi will be able to simply walk home and have space, and Noya will hopefully feel his brain reset in real time and get over it.
Asahi has a really nice jacket on, and smells good. He takes Noya through the park, then the streets, towards a coffee shop. He holds the door open for Noya, and then pulls out his chair for him. He starts talking about the menu as if he is trying to sell Noya on it, and Noya, who has been swallowing his feelings for the past fifteen minutes, laughs and asks: “Did you practice this in front of your mirror?” and Asahi blushes and—he has been practicing it. He’s chosen the place on purpose, to impress Noya.
Like he’s chosen the jacket. And the cologne.
Which makes Noya have a realization.
It can’t be what he thinks it is.
But when he holds off on flirtatious comments, Asahi makes them. And there is the smile at the corner of his lips, and the way his hands stay above the table despite the fact that he clearly wants to bring them to where he usually touches to calm his nerves – his collar and the hem of his shirt. Noya’s hands go between his knees when he’s not using them, but he keeps looking at the table.
Once or twice, he catches Asahi looking at him, too.
“This is a date,” he whispers above the tea.
Asahi raises his eyebrows.
“This is an actual date,” Noya repeats. “For real.”
“Is it bad?” Asahi is starting to panic. Is he worried because he wanted this to look like a date, or because he didn't want this to look like a date? “Did you not want..? I’m sorry,” he pleads. “We can do something else. I just wanted to do… to do things right, you know?”
“No, I…”
Noya looks at the table, the tea, the coziness of the decoration. Do what right? It's not his usual type of hangout. Less casual, more… romantic.
Shit. His heart starts to beat faster, too. It is a real date, isn't it?
Asahi makes up his mind during Noya's silence. He grabs his jacket again.
“We should try something else. Sorry about that.”
Noya watches him pay for the both of them and follows him outside, still thinking of what to say. His heart is beating in his hands. A childish kind of terror.
They go to the park again. Asahi looks around; trying to find a good spot for them now that his script has been flipped.
Seeing the tension in his shoulders flips the switch in Noya’s mind again.
He said he was going to be brave about it.
“I was having fun,” he admits. “It’s a great place.”
Asahi stops to look at him, surprised.
“Sorry. I just didn’t realize that it was like, a real date. I thought… I thought we were, like, friends? I mean, we are—I mean—” Asahi’s face pales, and Noya has to fight the urge to throw himself at his neck. “I wanted this to be a date. I just didn’t think you liked me.”
He pushes his hands into fists and straightens up, but doesn’t quite meet Asahi’s gaze. That is still a little too much. He focuses on his mouth, instead; the tightness in his jaw, slowly easing into soft lines.
“Sorry,” Asahi says. “I thought I was clear—”
“You were very clear!” He was, in retrospect. Noya was just not listening.
He was so, so clear, actually.
Asahi has been the brave one of the two.
“—and I mean, I guess, I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t reading into it, you know? But you seemed to be okay with it all, so…”
“Yeah.” Noya nods. “Same.”
Their eyes meet.
Asahi smiles.
“So, um, do we have to start over?” Noya asks, and they both giggle.
Noya wants to hear Asahi sound like that for the rest of his life, probably.
“I don’t think I have it in me right now,” Asahi admits. “I don’t think I’m good at this.”
“You’re fine! I’m having fun!”
“I think you just enjoy stressing me out, so it doesn’t count.”
Noya snorts. He slaps Asahi’s arm, trying to communicate a little bit of contrition he’s not really feeling. “Okay, fine. Friend hangout, then? Hey, if you want – Ryû wanted us to go to the arcade today, actually. I can tell him we’re coming.”
Relief seems to flood Asahi. “Sure.”
As he starts walking, though, Noya has a moment of hesitation.
Does he want to face Ryû with the full knowledge that he was, in the end, right about the two of them? Or does he want to let his friends believe that they are only friends for a little longer?
He looks at Asahi, walking very close next to him. Hand trying very hard not to go inside his pocket. A glance from the corner of his eye.
Noya smiles.
He did say he was going to be brave about it.