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“Whaddaya mean, I’m not the best man?” Crowley pulled his glasses off to glare properly at his best friend. “I’ve been gonna be your best man since we were eight.”
“You’re my best man, of course you are.” Fergus rolled his eyes. “I knew you’d do this.”
“Then why tell me I’m not the best man?”
“Crowley. Mate. Ella’s best man is her brother. You are both going to be best men.”
Crowley stared for a moment before exploding, “Then why not just say that?! What’s all the shite about not being best man? You couldn’t just say, oi, two best men, loved the best man angle so much we did it twice?”
“I was trying to.” Fergus was giving him that look again, the one that sat on his unfairly-handsome face trying to make him look like the reasonable one even when he was pulling this shite.
But this shite was bollocks. Crowley plowed on. “And also why do I care if Ella also has a best man? Is he-- fuck, is he homophobic? Is he gonna freak at walking down the aisle with a bloke? He’s not going to get violent, is he?”
“My god you are exhausting. Not homophobic, okay? I can’t imagine him getting violent and I... okay, we’ve never actually discussed his sexuality, but if he’s straight I will eat my hat. So cool it, okay?”
“‘Crowley, you’ll be escorting Ella’s brother down the aisle.’ All you had to say. But instead you gave me a heart attack, saying I wasn’t going to be your best man.”
“Best ever. Best always,” Fergus said, holding out a fist.
Crowley bumped it. “Don’t you forget it.”
“So tell me about this bloke. What’s he like? Why haven’t I met him yet? Is he afraid of me? And would you stoppit already with the patient sighing?”
Fergus stopped mid-sigh. “Is pestering me to death part of the best man duties I didn’t know about?”
Crowley waggled his fingers. “Hello, yes, it’s me, you knew what you were getting into. I’ll give you a stag night to remember, I won’t lose the rings and I’ll feed you your lines when you forget them and start crying in the middle of your vows, so I think a few questions valid.”
“His name is Aziraphale. He’s been on a contract on the continent for the last few months, so he’s been doing his best-manning remotely. Why would he be afraid of you?”
“I dunno, he’s never in meetings I’m in. I thought maybe I scared him off.”
“He’ll be back in time for the wedding,” Fergus said. “I think you’ll like him. If I don’t murder you for being annoying.”
“So coin-flip then?”
“Just about.”
The hall was half done. Still in progress, but they were rehearsing and finally, finally he was going to meet his, what? His co-best-man? His phantom counterpart?
Fergus paced, fretting about people arriving. Crowley had been detailed to straighten chairs that weren’t a hair out of place; he spent the time alternately annoying and reassuring Fergus instead.
“Mate. She’s not gonna do a bunk now, right? She thinks you hung the moon. She’s been waiting for this since she clapped eyes on you. She’s not even late yet, so either calm down or breathe into a paper bag with your head between your knees.”
“What if something went wrong--”
“Nothing went wrong.” Noise outside, the sound of conversation and car doors. “See? That’ll be them.”
Ella looked fabulous in green for the rehearsal; her father laughed beside her and another man, plump and blond, was handing her mother out of the car.
The blond man turned around. Crowley whistled softly. “Oh, you didn’t say he was cute.”
“Are you on the pull at my wedding?”
“I mean you knew I wasn’t going to shag the maid of honor, but it’s at least a little traditional...”
Fergus’ reply was cut off by Ella squealing and arrowing in for a hug while people talked over each other. The blond man-- Aziraphale-- hung back slightly, unsure.
Well sod that. Crowley stepped forward, hand outstretched. “You must be Aziraphale. Great to meet you at last, I’m Crowley.”
“Oh!” Aziraphale said, in an unfairly nice voice. “Oh, yes! Ella has told me all about you!”
“Not all about me, I hope.” Crowley could feel Fergus’ eyeroll behind him; ignored it in favor of the pretty blush rising on Aziraphale’s cheeks.
“I, I think there may be a few things she left out,” Aziraphale said. “I’d love to find out what they are.” He leaned in, dropping his voice low. “Although I do feel I should tell you, I think they might be playing matchmaker.”
“That’s fine,” Crowley grinned. “But I play to win.”