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Chapter Text

Chapter 1 – Dilemma

Five years. It’s been five years that Belly Conklin and Jeremiah Fisher were together. Ever since that fateful night in Cousins, where he was her date at the Debutante Ball. Jeremiah had this incredible ability to make everything easy. Or at least, easier. It began during that summer, when, for every single time Conrad Fisher hesitated about his feelings towards her, danced around what they could have been, Jeremiah had showed her what she meant to him.

It had continued during her senior year in high school, where he would steadily spend every week end with her, either at their place or Belly’s place. They would alternate depending on the circumstances. It was a one-hour drive between their two homes, and Jeremiah had never missed their weekend dates as he called them.

He made her college choice easy. Finch had an outstanding volleyball team, Taylor had a full ride to go there, and of course, he was studying there already. Laurel had tried to dispute a little what seemed like fate, to no avail.

“Mum, Finch is great for me, you know it. I am not doing it for Jeremiah. At least, not only. Of course, he is part of the equation. He is my present, and my future. I know you think I am too young to say that. But I know what I feel.”

It helped that Jeremiah was a great sweet talker. He had the incredible ability to understand what people wanted to hear, and he told the exact right things to Laurel to sway her off:

“Laurel, Finch’s program in literature is one of the bests in the country. Belly will be close to home, and while she is not, I will be there to protect her and watch over her. Not that she needs it, because, of course, a strong independent woman could only raise another strong independent woman.”

Belly was not sure whether it was Jeremiah’s discourse, his charming smile, his son-like relationship to Laurel, or a combination of all those three elements that made Laurel cave in. The most important is that she did.

And there he was, making things easy once again, even without knowing it. In fact, he was still asleep, a huge smile plastered on his face, his curls unruly, his legs sprawled on the bed, one hand on the bed’s headboard, the other on his stomach, after Belly managed to get out of the firm hold he had had on her waist. Last night, she had called him, spiralling about the little time left to study for her final year. The last final of the year.

He had come in a heartbeat, spent the evening with her, and just like that, she woke up the next morning feeling a bit more confident about her abilities to go through a semester of French contemporary literature. Jean-Paul Sartre and Boris Vian would have no secrets for her. Jeremiah’s peaceful smile made her sure of that.

Here she was, a couple of hours later, sitting at a table at the university’s library, reading a study on Albert Camus’ approach to colonialism in Algeria, and how, while French mainstream intelligentsia lauded his humanism, he was in fact a fierce proponent of colonialism. The same Camus whose love letters to his mistress had been made public recently, and that she had spent days reading in a frenzy. She was wondering how the same man, could at the same time not feel the most minimal empathy towards a people deprived of their basic rights by a colonial system, and feel so much for one person.

That thought reminded her of Conrad, the other Fisher brother. She had not spoken to him much over the years. When she would be in their house on weekends, he would not speak much to her. Actually, just enough to pass the awkwardness threshold, but that was it. At times, when it was only them because Jeremiah went to work out and the Fisher parents were out running errands, he would do something sweet for her, like making infinity pancakes.

They would start opening up to each other. Susannah had walked on them once, as they were eating from the same plate. She had not said anything, merely harbouring a whimsical smile.

Usually, it is Jeremiah who would interrupt them, as he would come back from his run. He would kiss Belly on the cheek, and it would be the end of it.

A parenthetical suspended in time. Belly had never told anything to Jeremiah about those. There was no point in perturbing him with those. She knew how her boyfriend may at times feel a bit sensitive towards Conrad. Connie, the soon-to-be doctor who was football national college champion before he got injured; Connie, the straight-A-student whom everyone was proud of; Connie, Laurel’s “special guy.” The list went on.

Belly and Jeremiah fought only once about him. It was shortly before Jeremiah’s trip to Cabo. Their conversation escalated quickly about how Jeremiah had not told Belly about booking Cabo last-minute, about how Belly could not afford going with him and how she would not accept him paying for her trip. One line leading to another, Jeremiah had ironically apologised for not being his perfect brother, and Belly had shot back, too quick before thinking it through, typical of what rage does to her:

“I never said anything about Conrad. Do not put your inferiority complex on me.”

It had been the only crisis in their couple. Apart from that, as stupid as it may sound, it had mostly been daisies and roses. Belly Conklin was madly in love with Jeremiah Fisher. This is why, when she heard the little pop of a new email received on her student mailbox, she felt a slight chill and thrill all over her body:

“Dear Belly,

On behalf of the Finch Study Abroad Program, I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected for a semester abroad at the Université Sorbonne, in Paris for the next fall semester.

Your application was selected among strong candidates, and we look forward to you proudly representing Finch in Paris.

We will be in touch shortly with logistical details. In the meantime, we would be grateful if you could please revert to us within a week with confirmation so that we can save the spot for you.

Until then, congratulations again!

The Fich Study Abroad Program”

She had made it. She was going to Paris. Well, at least, she had made it through the selection process. It was notoriously known that Paris was the top destination to which most students would apply. She tried her luck, unsure that she would make it. She had not told Jeremiah. She had not told anyone. It was a way for her not to get her hopes too high, and to differ a discussion that might be pointless in any event. Except, it was not. She had to speak to Jeremiah about it. She could not make a decision without consulting him first, even though if she had to be honest, she was already picturing herself eating croissants by the Panthéon in the fifth arondissement.

What a cliché. You’ve studied French literature for three years, and the only image that comes to your mind is a croissant in the Quartier Latin.

Belly began to understand why French people treated Americans with despise. She promised herself she would prove them wrong. Sure, the decision of her going has not been taken yet, but her mind was already there, in Paris.

Later that night, Belly and Jeremiah arrived at the party Jeremiah’s frat house was throwing. She had been there countless times. At the beginning, she had not felt at ease with the amount of people around. It challenged her introverted personality, and she feared that the guys over there would have a bad influence over Jeremiah. Finally, it could not be further from the truth. Unless her influence had been stronger.

“Bells, do you want anything to drink?”

She nodded enthusiastically, and while she was waiting on him to return, Mike, one Jere’s friends and the DJ for the night saw her. He waved at her, and then switched music all of a sudden. Well, not exactly all of a sudden. It coincided with Jeremiah coming back by her side, two drinks in his hands. And that is when the song started.

Belly and Jeremiah had a passion in common, R&B songs from the early 2000s, from when they were babies. And they had a passion for one song in particular:

“And I love you, and I need you; Belly I love you, I do,” and he finished those words with his mouth roaming on her neck. It would leave marks. She did not care. Those were the marks of Jeremiah Fisher’s undying love for her. All was well.

“You can always count on my love forever more,” she sang back to him in his ear, as he smiles giddily.

She did not want that moment to end, in more than a way. Immediately, because it meant having the conversation she had long wished she would never have to have. And not so immediately, because she could not imagine they were not tailored for forever.

“Bells, are you alright? Your mind seems far away,” he asked her, stroking her hair lovingly.

“No, nothing, don’t worry, love. I need to freshen up, and then I need to talk to you about something. All good, don’t worry.”

Jeremiah followed her steps with his sight as she was going up the staircase. Had he not been distracted by Mike coming to him to banter about the choice of song and get his recognition, he would have seen one Lucy Barone heading the same direction. Maybe he would have been to do what he does every time Lucy’s world and Belly’s world are about to collide. Avoid it. But tonight, it was not meant to be.

Belly was reapplying lipstick in the bathroom, with a small smile on her face. She was mustering the courage to tell Jeremiah she would be gone to Paris for an entire semester. They had never been that far apart for that long. Ever. But it was her dream. He would understand.

“Jeremiah is so hot tonight,” a feminine voice says from the other end of the bathroom door. Damn right, Belly thought. She was proud, in a way, that among the thousand girls on campus, Jeremiah chose her and kept choosing her every day. Her smile only widened.

“Jeremiah is always hot. I am so jealous that you go to hook up with him when we were in Cabo, Lucy.”

“Well, what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo.”

For a split of a second, Belly’s brain did not process what she had listened. It is as if she heard it in a foreign language she did not understand. She could make up the sounds, even the words, but the meaning did not want to sink in.

Jeremiah did not do this to me, no, not Jeremiah Fisher. Jere is sweet and loving and caring, and he values what we built, what we are.

This attempt at reassuring herself had worked the whole time it took her to rush down the stairs. About three seconds and a half. When she saw him so at ease with his friends, always flirting even when he does not try to, all reassurance went through the window. All that remained was despair, sorrow and anger.

She walked straight to him, and he could see that her face had changed.

“Jeremiah, we need to talk.” Her voice was stern. That word would not mean a lot if it were not Belly Conklin one was talking about. She was bubbly and wore her heart on her sleeve. She was never stern.

“What’s wrong, Bells?” He asked in a worried tone.

“Did you hook up with a tall exquisite brunette called Lucy when you were in Cabo?”

Fuck. At that very moment, Jeremiah’s life was about to tip over to the unknown. He stayed anchored to that wooden floor, as if his feet could not move, his face twisted in fear and regret. He needed not to answer. His face did it in his stead. And Belly knew how to read that face for as long as she could remember herself.

As he saw her run for the door, some despair energy pushed him to follow her in the backyard where she was already.

“Belly, stop, please. I…”

“You, what?” she cut him off. “You have been lying to me for almost a year, Jeremiah, this what you have been doing.”

“Bells, please, I love you, so much. I only ever loved you.”

“Way to show it, Jere. After all that we have built, you ruined everything.” She had begun to cry, to sob, actually, and that broke Jeremiah’s heart. She then threw up on the grass, Jeremiah instinctively going to hold her long hair for her. He wished it was not the last time.

“Do not touch me,” she screamed. “I want to know what you did, I want to know exactly how you touched her.”

He pondered on whether to lie or not, to minimise what happened, as Belly seemed not to know all the details.

“We had sex…” Bang, then came the smack he was expecting, and that he did not dispute he deserved.

“Bells, I am so sorry, it was a mistake…”

“A mistake? What do you mean, a mistake? Like you accidentally tripped and fell on her naked?”

“It did not mean anything to me, I swear…”

“It means something to me, Jere. And you know it does. I ever have been with you, and only you.”

“Bells, I know. It was after that huge fight we had, I thought we were broken up…”

“What? How on earth do you go from a fight to a break up. Like, you unilaterally broke things off, without even telling me? That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

She laughed, humourlessly. Then she answered:

“Well, let me show you how you properly break up with someone: we are over. We are through. Now, is it clear?”

“Bells, please, don’t do that, I love you so much, I can’t live without you. You’re it for me.”

“You will have to, Jere. What we had; we can never get it back. Not after what you did.” There she was, crying again. So was he.

“We can, Bells. I swear, please don’t leave me.”

Without sparing a further glance to him, she had turned and began running towards her dorm.

The next few days were hell for both Belly and Jeremiah. She spent her entire days sleeping, not speaking to anyone, as she was discovering that everyone on campus actually knew of Jeremiah’s infidelity long before she did. He had betrayed her and humiliated her, all at once.

Jeremiah was moping around the frat house, repeating to whoever wanted to hear, that he had lost his reason to live. He barely ate anything, he did not go into the gym, and he spent his days texting Belly begging her to forgive him, professing his love to her over and over again. He got an answer after exacty 56 texts: “Please, stop.”

Two words and a coma, that is all that Belly Conklin had to tell him. They had not spoken for two days. And it is only five days after that text two-word one-coma text message that he would meet her while she was getting out of her French literature class. He was at loss of words, he did not know what to do. So he dropped to his knees. As if begging had to be shown, also:

“Bells, please, don’t walk away from me. I am fucked up. I am willing to do anything for us. Anything.”

It broke her heart a little to see him this way. It was not only his position, at her feet, it was the way he looked. Just like her, he had not slept much, and it showed. He looked miserable. They both did. He was suffering as much as she was, if not more, with the burden of guilt. Yet, it was not a burden she was ready to lift for him right now.

“You cannot undo what you did, Jeremiah. You were supposed to be the person who would never hurt me. And you ended up being the one hurting me the most.”

“I know, and I am so sorry, I will never forgive myself for this. But this cannot be the end. I said it, and I will repeat it: you’re it for me, Belly.”

It is easy to say now, but why did it not matter when it should have mattered the most?

“Belly, it has been a week, we cannot go on like this. Please let me work on mending our relationship.”

A week. Why did this timeframe rang a bell? It’s been a week… God it’s been a week.

“Jere, sorry, I have to run. There is something I need to do.”

Just like this, she moved past him and ran to her dorm, her phone in her hand, typing furiously.

She needed to confirm she was going to Paris. She needed to organise therefor. She did not have time to waste.

She was going to Paris.

That mere thought made Jeremiah’s betrayal a little less hard to cope with. Just a little. Or maybe it was just time working its magic.

As she kept steadying herself and her emotions that swung from deep sorrow because of the Jeremiah debacle to fearsome excitement for her upcoming semester in the City of Lights, her phone lit up. It was Taylor. She had called twice already.

“Belly, Belly, can you hear me?” Taylor was sobbing, which she had only saw her do once in her life, that’s when her father left for good.

“Tay, what’s wrong? I can hear you, yes.”

“You need to come to the Memorial Hospital, something happened. It’s Steven.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 2 – New Day, New Dawn, New Life

It happened earlier that evening. It was a typical Taylor-Steven fight off. Until it ended up with a car crash. That is the summary note that Belly’s brain was able to remember. The details had escaped her mind. That was the effect of distress on the mind. It was also a coping mechanism. Had she remembered, she could have resented – even a little – Taylor. And she could not. Not now. The timing was off.

The same way it was with her parents not answering their phones. While it did not surprise her from her dad, her mom typically always answered. That is when she appeared. Susannah Fisher. Belly had called her in a desperate attempt. Susannah was not the type to handle emergencies. In the uncommon duo she formed with Laurel, emergencies were Laurel’s territory.

“Belly, my love. What happened? Thank you for calling me. How’s Steven?” She asked, holding Belly tight against her. During a second that felt too quick, Belly forgot that she was in a hospital. She forgot the unwelcoming smell around her, the dim lights that provoked a headache, and the steady beep sounds of the machines all around. She forgot that her insufferable yet indispensable brother was stuck in coma. She forgot that the woman holding her was her ex-boyfriend’s mother.

“Susannah, thank you so much for coming. They said he was in stable condition for now, but that he needs blood transfusion. They will not do it without my parent’s permission, and I cannot reach either of them.”

Belly was sobbing in Susannah’s arms when he appeared in her peripheral vision. Jeremiah Fisher. All of a sudden, Beck’s voice became distant to her ears, although they were not even an inch apart one from the other.

“Belly, did you hear me? I was able to reach Laurel. She’s… hum… at a conference across the country. She is hopping on a flight now. With John. Funny they ran into each other at that conference.”

What was Jeremiah doing here? She had not told him. Not that he did not deserve to know, or that she did not want him around, because she did. He has always been his best friend and Steven’s. When they were kids, both would fight over who Jeremiah liked the most.

As Jeremiah came closer, she felt breathless. Belly wished she was able to forgive him, to move past what he did, and to be able to use him as support. As she used to. As she has always used to. He had always been her Susannah to her Laurel. Not anymore, she thought bitterly.

As he embraced his mother, tears visible in his eyes, he shot a glance at Belly that broke her. She had seen those simmering eyes twice in her entire life. The first time was when he found out that Adam had cheated on Susannah while she was undergoing chemo. It was the eyes of a son who realised his father was not better than the rest of men.

The second time was when Belly had told him that Conrad had expressed his feelings to her after the Debutante Ball. It was the eyes of a younger brother who realised his older brother was not a better than the rest of men.

Now, he was probably realising that he was not better than the rest of men, either. The worst part is that Belly was at the receiving end of his realisation. It broke him. At least it seemed to be. The thought reassured Belly a little.

“Belly, I am… so sorry… for Steven, I mean,” he said, in a low voice. Belly took him in her arms. Not out of will, not out of need. Out of habit. And also, because she felt Susannah’s quizzical eyes on them two. The dynamic was definitely off.

“Belly, my darling, I took the initiative of calling the rest of the family, I figured you would not have time. I hope you don’t mind,” Susannah interjected.

Belly looked at her second mother with a small smile. The rest of the family. Did she mean Conrad?

“Of course not. Jere, can we speak for a second, please?” she asked the blonde standing next to her, who had put his hand on the small of her back. Not out of habit. Out of will, out of need.

Belly did not tell him off. She did not know why. Probably because she was focused on the sight of Taylor. Through the glass door, she could see that she was not leaving Steven’s bedside.

“Bells, I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Jeremiah asked, holding her hand. She exhaled, and did that little flip of the hair she does when she is nervous. Jeremiah knew about it. He knew everything about her. And he loved everything about her.

“Pretend. That is what you can do right now,” she answered. She could feel Susannah’s eyes on both of them. They had to pretend to try and fight maternal instinct as much as they could. At Jeremiah’s questioning look, she clarified.

“We need to pretend that we are still together. Susannah’s heart aches for Steven. She doesn’t need more heartbreak right now.” He nodded, without much enthusiasm. It would not be hard to pretend. He still felt all the feels with Belly around. He still knew the cues. But each time he would remember it is just for show, it would be as if a sword shattered his heart.

“Alright, yeah. I guess Laurel doesn’t need that either. What can I do, Bells? Do you need anything at all? Should I go pick up Laurel and John from the airport?”

“That would be very nice, if you could, please.” Belly then kissed him on the cheek. She did not know whether this was for show, or out of need. The need for comfort. The need of something feeling normal, in this mayhem.

Jeremiah was all too happy to reciprocate the gesture. As he walked towards the exit door, Susannah stopped him.

“Jere, honey, before you go anywhere, I need you to draw a bit of blood. Steven needs a transfusion, and they need to test our compatibility.”

“Susannah, neither you or Jeremiah have to do that, I mean… We can’t… You can’t…”

Susannah shushed Belly with a flick of the hand. That is what she meant when she referred to the family. She moved on to indicate the person Jeremiah should speak to.

The minutes went by. Excruciatingly slowly. Until she appeared. Laurel Parks. The women of emergency. However, something about her was different. She looked distraught, as if she did not have a single clue what to do. Belly froze. Her mom always exactly knew what to do.

When Belly was 4 and she had fallen off a bike bruising herself, and Conrad did not know what to do, Laurel did. When Susannah got sick, that Adam went missing in action, Laurel did not. Now, all she could do is cry and hold on to Susannah for dear life. This shook Belly to her core. This image would haunt her.

It did not surprise Belly that Laurel went to hug Susannah first. These two were friends and soulmates. It was the purest and scariest kind of relationship that existed. The type where your vulnerabilities are both a strength and a weakness.

Laurel turned to Belly.

“Oh, Belly. I am so sorry you could not reach me. God, I am awful mother. Come here baby. It’s going to be alright.”

And just like that, Laurel Parks was back to her senses. It took two hugs. And the sheer refusal to break down in front of her daughter.

“I am going to go get blood drawn, John is already there.”

The two mothers exchanged a mysterious smile, but Belly was not in the right state of mind to try and figure it out.

She saw Jeremiah hug Laurel. Probably stronger than he usually would. It is the circumstances, Belly thought. Laurel, on her end, felt something was off. In the shortest of conversations that Belly was too far to hear, Laurel asked:

“Jere, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah Laurel. I mean, Steven is my best friend. It’s just…yeah.” He paused. “I just got my blood drawn, and I saw John there.”

“I thought Belly was supposed to be your best friend,” she said in a laughing tone. Humour was Laurel’s secret weapon to make anxiety go away. She was witty, and she used it in the best of times and the worst of times.

Belly saw him approach her. She did not have the strength to face him, to pretend with him. For the family. She walked towards him nonetheless, pressed her hand in his. It felt just like before, just like Lucy Barone never happened.

“I am going to check on Taylor, I’ll be right back,” she said. They sadly smiled at each other, saving a conversation worth a thousand words.

As she entered the room, she wondered how Taylor could cope with it. Steven’s lifeless body in this fairly ugly hospital gown, the wires going out of his body to keep him afloat; his bruises; the light; the uncomfortable chair.

“Tay, let’s go get some fresh air. And it’s not a request.”

As they walked out, the sun was rising to announce a new day. Before a new dawn. And a new life. It was a piercing sun. It constrated with the in between life and death light of the hospital.

“So, you’re going, huh?” Taylor asked. If she was away from Steven, she might as well stir the conversation away from him. From what she provoked.

“Yes, I mean, there is nothing left for me, here…”

“Thank you for all of us, bitch,” Taylor snickered. It was the first time Belly saw her smile ever since the crash.

“I don’t mean it like that. You know I don’t. It’s just that Paris has always been a dream of mine.”

“Oui oui, je sais,” Taylor knew indeed. Belly would never shut up about it back when they took French together in high school.

The sat in the grass in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Taylor roaming her hand in the grass. A sign of nervousness. And Taylor Jewel was never nervous. Unless it was particularly serious.

“Belly, I swear I did not know about Lucy Barone…”

“I know you wouldn’t have hidden it from me, had you known. I am sorry, Tay. I shouldn’t have closed up when it happened. It’s just… you know. It felt like if I discussed it with you, it would become real.”

“I get that. I still can’t believe that idiot cheated on you.”

“He did what?” That voice. It was not impressive as such. Not really. But it was deep, low, broody. Raging with anger. And it was the one voice she would recognise among a million.

“Conrad, what… What are you doing here?”

There he stood. Conrad Fisher. California sun-kissed, slightly more bulked Conrad Fisher. Next to him was standing a tall slender blonde girl. The type of California girl she had always imagined Conrad with.

“My mom told me about Steven, I am sorry, Belly,” he said, giving her a short awkward hug. The distance between them was heartbreaking.

“Thanks, Conrad. But…”

“Belly, Jere cheated on you.” It was not a question. The calm tone Conrad hid untameable rage. Belly knew it all too well.

For a second, the tall slender blond girl did not exist. Taylor barely existed. It was just the two of them in the universe.

“Not exactly. It’s complicated. We were broken up when it happened. Kind of. Anyway, now isn’t the time, Conrad.”

“And now?” he asked. “Are you broken up?”

Belly did not answer, and she would not have to. The tall slender blonde girl came in between them, forcing herself into their universe.

“I am Sandy, Conrad’s girlfriend. It is so good to meet you, Isabel. I have heard so many great things.”

Conrad’s girlfriend. This should not affect her. This does not affect me, he can do whatever he wants.

“Pleased to meet you. You make a lovely couple,” Belly said with good measure, darting eyes at Conrad rather than the tall blonde… well, Sandy.

“Thank you, Isabel. I am so sorry for what happened to your brother. I hope it all goes well.”

Belly wished she could hate her. She searched in this awfully uneventful exchange a reason to hate her. There was none. The girl was charming and polite. Sure, she imposed herself in a conversation, but in all fairness, she had been standing there like a palm tree for the last ten minutes. And she is Conrad’s girlfriend.

“Thank you, Sandy. Conrad, may I speak to you, in private, please?”

She does not wait for an answer, and just takes him by his arm. Deep down, she knows he would not say no to her. Not now. Not when she was in a vulnerable place.

“Conrad, I beg you please not to make a scene. This is neither the time, nor the place.”

“You haven’t answered my question. Are you broken up?” His piercing eyes betrayed an unhealthy curiosity. The eyes of a tiger about to jump on a prey.

“Yes… I mean, I don’t know… It’s all too sudden. I don’t see how this has anything to do with you.”

He shot her a mean look before he answered.

“It has everything to do with me. Because that little piece of shit is my fucking brother. And you are…”

“I am what, Conrad? The girl you barely spared a text to ever since you moved to California?”

“No. You’re not the type of girl who would take that from a guy, Bells.” He said that last word with venom and irony laced together. Ever since he was a child, he hated that Jeremiah had found a nickname of his own to Belly. He thought it was stupid then. He thinks it is stupid now.

They had fought about it at Cousins, the summer Belly was 8 years old.

“Jere, stop calling Belly Bells, it is stupid.”

“You’re stupid Conrad, and you’re jealous because Bells prefers to be called Bells, and she prefers me to you. Don’t you, Bells?”

She did not know it then, but it would be the starting point of her triangle affair with the Fisher brothers. It all began with the warning bells of a nickname.

“Must you be so acid right now, Connie baby?” The girl sure had character. That is what he liked about her.

“I am serious Conrad. Don’t you dare throw a scene right now.”

“Do I get a reward if I am a good boy?” he asked, with a smirk on his face. That damn signature smile.

 “None. If not for me, do it for Susannah who doesn’t need that. Do it for Sandy, who doesn’t deserve that awkward moment. Hell, do it for your Laura, whose son in on a hospital bed.”

And with that, she left him standing there. Just like she had done five years ago in Cousins.

“Please stop, Conrad. This, what you’re saying. This is what I have ever dreamed of ever since I was ten. But I am not ten anymore. But you have to stop. If not for me, do it for Jere.”

With her, it was always about keeping quiet for others. It was always about others. Never about him. Never about them.

Back inside the hospital, the atmosphere was tense. Laurel and Susannah were holding hands, exchanges a few words here and there. Sandy was standing in corner while Conrad was speaking with the doctors about Steven’s condition. Taylor and Belly were inside Steven’s room, changing flowers, trying to ignore Steven’s peaceful yet expressionless face behind them. Jeremiah sat with John in awkward silence.

Lost in his thoughts, he had not seen his brother coming to sit next to him. Both boys have been on relatively good terms, both conscious that something between them was arguably beyond repair. It broke both their hearts, even though they would never admit it.

Jeremiah knew Conrad all too well. This fake smile every time he would address him, the short answers, the frosty looks. He guessed, but needed to be sure.

“You know?”

“That you cheated on the girl you promised you would take care of, and for whom you asked my benediction? Yes, I do,” the older brother hissed, mindful of the promise he had made to Belly, despite it all.

Jeremiah would have preferred to be punched repeatedly in the gut than hear those words. That reminded him of a conversation they had five years ago.

“You love her Connie, don’t you?”

“I do,” he confessed. “But she chose you. Take good care of her, please.”

“Does this mean…”

“Yes.”

And just like that, the Fisher brothers had found a modus vivendi when it came to Isabel Conklin. Until now.

“I fucked up. I know, and I am sorry. Why do you care, though? Do you still…?” Jeremiah felt like he had to know whether he would have to compete against his brother for Belly. Again.

“No. But she’s family. She’s important to me that way.”

Jeremiah shot him a side-eye glance before he scoffed.

“Right. This is why you barely got in touch in what, four years? Some importance there, Conrad.”

“Just so you know, you’re an asshole. The only reason why I am not smacking your face right now, is for Belly’s sake.”

And on those words, he got up and joined Sandy where she was standing. He caressed her face sweetly as she was asking how Steven was doing. So sweetly it broke a bit of Belly’s heart when she saw it, while heading to get Taylor’s blood results and hers. They were the last two chances for a blood donor. Everyone else had been ruled out as incompatible.

She hated that the Fisher brothers still had a hold on her.

The doctor was a young brunette woman, with a welcoming smile, the kind of smile that made one believe that everything was going to be alright, eventually.

“Taylor, you are the only compatible person. As you’re above 21, I can inquire about your willingness to give blood directly. If you do…”

“Of course, I do.” She almost felt insulted that anyone would doubt her willingness to help the Conklins. And Steven, yes.

“It’s just…I don’t want him to know, I mean Steven. I don’t want him to know it was me.”

Belly looked at her, before she exhaled: “You cannot ask me to keep this secret, Taylor. It’s not fair.”

“Well, I am, and you will.”

Just like the sky is blue, the sun is yellow and roses are red, there is no discussing a Taylor Jewel decision. Belly knew her lesson. So, she nodded, her head low.

As the doctor had Taylor sign the papers and showed her the room she needed to head to for the procedure, she held back Belly.

“Isabel, may you please stay back for a second? There is something I would like to discuss, privately.”

“Of course,” she replied. At that very moment, the hospital buzz seemed to fade as the doctor’s voice anchored her to the moment.

“Is everything alright?”

Chapter Text

Chapter 3 – There’s Nothing Holding Me Back

“For God’s sake, woman, I am fine,” Steven had teased Laurel. Ever since he got discharged from the hospital, Laurel was all over him. She would make sure that he had taken his medicine in time, that his pillows were sufficiently fluffed up, and that he would not spend a second not resting. It was funny how guilt made tables turn.

Usually, Laurel was not exactly the caring type. Of course, she cared for her kids. But she was more of a “toughen up, suck it up” type of mother. Usually, she would leave the pampering to Susannah, who was happy to oblige. This change made Susannah smile, as she was looking at the scene from the door. Her smile wavered, tugged back into an old memory.

“Laurel, you know you need not to be motherly with me, right? I am just sick. Not lovesick,” she had told her best friend after she had driven back home from chemo.

“What are you talking about? I am motherly… In my own way.” They both laughed hysterically. In that moment, Susannah was no longer sick. Laurel was no longer her caretaker in Adam’s stead, who Susannah had kicked out of the house. They were just two friends.

“True. And one of my boys seems to particularly respond to your way of being a mother,” Susannah said with a fond smile on her face.

“Susannah… It’s not…”

Susannah quickly waved her off. “I don’t mind it. In fact, I don’t mind it at all. I’m happy to know Connie has you lean on if… you know, something goes wrong.” There went another smile. Sadder this time.

“Nothing is going to go wrong. You are going to live. He and Jeremiah will keep leaning when they need to… And come to me on occasion to complain about you.”

Funny how tables have turned, indeed. Now it was Steven’s turn to complain to Susannah about Laurel.

“Susannah, please, can you tell your friend here that I am alright.”

“He is going to live, Laurel. He and Belly will keep leaning on you…when they need to.” Susannah had not realised she used Laurel’s exact words of eight years ago, until Laurel shot her a side look, a half-smile saying what could not be said.

“Come on, let’s give Steven some time for himself. Oh, and Steven, someone is here to see you,” Susannah added, her eyes all glimmering. The same way they would before her and Laurel would embark in their endless gossiping sessions.

Jeremiah and Conrad had come see him, of course. So did his friends from college. His colleagues sent him a card and treats, wishing him well. But she had not come. He was not sure whether he wanted her to. He was unsure whether he could fathom to speak to a storm. He was still in recovery, after all.

“Steven,” she said in a low voice, almost tentative. It was the first time he saw Taylor Jewel act this way. Broken.

“Hi Taylor. How have you been? How’s Lucinda?” He needed to keep the chitchat going, at least for now.

“She is well, and she wishes you well,” Taylor answered, relieved that Steven did not kick her out already. Small victories.

“You have not answered me about yourself. How have you been?” The tone was soft. Caring, one would argue.

Too entranced in the conversation in Steven’s room, Taylor did not focus to overhear another conversation that was going on in the room next door.

“When are you going to tell them?” Conrad asked, pacing back and forth the length of Belly’s room. He had come a bit after Taylor, and when the moms told him that Taylor was here, with a smirk, he knew better than to go interrupt a moment all the house was awaiting. Also, Laurel had added, offhandedly: “Belly is in her room though.”

“Conrad, why is it so important for you that everyone finds out that Jeremiah and I broke up?”

“Because…” The reality is he had no idea why he needed them to know. He just needed to. He wished she would save him, with a witty comment. Something he could hold on to in order to switch topics. Instead, she remained stubbornly silent. Same old Belly.

“Because I want them all to know, that I am not the only villain here.”

In the adjacent room, a bizarrely similar conversation was going on.

“Taylor, you are not a villain. I never thought you were. It was an accident. It just happened.” Steven’s heart broke at the sight of the little blonde in front of him, usually so bubbly and fiery, left so vulnerable. For a moment, he thought he would cave in.

 “The fact I was chasing you, does not make you responsible of what happened. Accidents just happen as a result of statistics.” He then added, finally caving in: “Come here.” She came scooting next to him, in his arm.

In Belly’s room, Conrad had stopped pacing. He had settled on Belly’s bed, careful to remain a good four feet away from her. I have to keep my distances. It cannot happen again.

“Conrad, no one thinks you are a villain. I mean, my mom probably likes you more than Steven or myself,” she said with a content smile. She was convinced it was true. And it never bothered her.

He laughed, albeit nervously, at the reference to his special bond with Laurel. It is true that after the Debutante Ball summer debacle, she held nothing against him. He was the one that had put walls between himself and the Conklins.

“Well, what is there not to like though?” he rhetorically asked Belly, making her laugh too. Not much, that is true. The words needed to be left unsaid.

“Things just…happened.” Or rather, they didn’t happen, she almost added. “We were both young and immature, and… It was not meant to be, I guess.”

“Do you think it will ever be?”

“What?”

“Meant to be, us?”

Steven’s head spun so hard it almost hurt, after Taylor told him that she was convinced that despite it all, they were endgame.

“Meant to be, us?” Steven scoffed. “Taylor, I think… we’ve tried everything. Each time, it ended for a reason. And it rarely ended well. And the last time we tried, I ended up in induced coma. That does not exactly scream meant to be to me.”

“You know what, you’re right. It’s not like the first word you uttered when you came back to your senses was Taylor,” she replied acidly. The words stung. He knew that brittle edge in her voice — the sound of Taylor bleeding inside but viscerally refusing to show it.

“That was to come full circle. I’m pretty sure it is also the last word I said before I truck demolished my car, with me in it.”

As soon as he said that, he wanted to take it back. He did not really think that. He just wanted to hurt her. As a way to protect himself. It’s shitty of me, he immediately thought.

“Taylor, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I just…” lose my shit when I am around you. She did not give him the time to finish his sentence.

“No. It’s exactly what you think, Steven. And thank you for telling me. Had I known, I would not have sat on that uncomfortable chair for four days straight, waiting for you to wake up.”

Her voice may have cracked, but her steps did not falter when she added: “Goodbye, Steven.”

And just like that, Taylor Jewel was back to her old ways. Dramatic, secluded, humourless. Protective of her feelings. She ran downstairs through the living room to the swing that had been in the house’s garden ever since they were kids.

“There is no pain a swing cannot make go away, Taylor,” Laurel had told her when she was a kid, and she had fallen from a tree hurting her knee quite badly. Ever since, every time Taylor felt sorrow, she would come to swing the pain away.

In Belly’s room, the discussion had not gone much better. For some reason having to do with Conrad Fisher’s inability to properly express his feelings, she was constantly tip-toeing around him.

“How about Sandy, aren’t you guys meant to be?” She had asked him, exhaling the last bit of the sentence, betraying the anxiety behind what was supposed to be a casual question.

“Would you be jealous if I said we are, Isabel?” After all those years, he still knew how to push her buttons. It made her smile for a short while, before her eyebrows furrowed.

“No,” she said all too quickly before softening: “I’d be thrilled for you, actually. You deserve to be happy.”

He felt the sincerity in her words, in her smile, in her hands that went on to tug her hair behind her right ear. It killed him that she was able to conceive that he, Conrad Fisher, would be happy with a girl that was not Isabel Conklin. She should know, after all those years, that it’s always been her.

And he did precisely what he’s used to when he is hurt. Deflect.

“Thank you so much. It’s so selfless of you, Belly,” he said, eyes blinking at an abnormal speed.

“Conrad, I have to tell you something. I…” Here she was, about to lay on him her biggest fears, the matter that shook her down to her core. She had not spoken to anyone about it. Not Taylor, not Susannah. Not anyone. Each time she would be by herself at night, she would think about it, and she was afraid.

“I know, Belly. I know that you think you are meant to be with Jere. I don’t care. I don’t feel anything for you anymore.”

He jumped from the bed and rushed towards his car, barely gracing Laurel and Susannah with a “goodbye” on his way.

Fuck, why did I say that? You are an imbecile, Conrad Fisher. Every time she reaches out, I push her away. And every time I reach out, she does the same. Two magnets, destined never to meet.

This time, Belly did not go after him. She had done so too many times, and it only brought her ache and heartbreak. Instead, she saw Taylor on the swing, her head low, probably crying. Probably over Steven. Her best friend needed her. That is all that mattered right now. Go to hell, Conrad Fisher.

“Got extra room for me on that swing, Tay?” She asked, from the porch. The sun was setting down, giving the city a gorgeous pink background.

“Always, babe. That bad with broody?”

Belly laughed humourlessly. “It’s whatever. He just told me what I needed to her. That he did not have feelings for me anymore.” She wished she did not say that sentence with a tip of sadness.

“That’s absolute bullshit. I saw the way he’s been looking at you over the past few days. But you know what? Good riddance.”

“Yeah, good riddance.” Belly tried to seem as convinced of it as she could. Maybe she could fool herself, but she couldn’t fool Taylor Jewel. The blonde did not say anything. She just rolled her eyes at Belly.

“What about you. That bad with Steven?”

“It’s whatever. He just told me he did not have feelings for me anymore. Not sure I needed to her though,” she snorted, her voice a mix of laughter and tears.

Belly grunted in exasperation. “I’ve always told you; my brother is an idiot. You should’ve listened to me.”

“I should’ve, indeed,” Taylor said, laughing a little. “I gotta run. Laters Bells,” she said imitating Jeremiah’s loving voice. Belly had a sad smile about it.

Jeremiah was not around much. He had told her; he wanted to give her time to figure out whether she still wanted him. With everything happening to her family, to her, she did not really think it through. But Jeremiah’s betrayal still cut deep. She didn’t see herself going back to him, ever.

Conrad was wrong about a lot of things, but he was right about one thing: she was not the type of girl to take that from a guy.

Steven’s arrival on the swing, next to her, had taken her out of her peregrinations.

“A penny for your thoughts, little sis’,” he asked, a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Steven, if mom sees you here, drinking coffee instead of tea, she will…”

“She will, what? Kill me? I think that’s precisely what she’s trying to avoid, for me to die, right?”

Belly laughed and hit me lightly on the shoulder. Steven’s way of dealing with trauma always was to laugh it off. She found it refreshing. She wished she was a bit more like him. Like Laurel, in fact.

“I think so long as she’s the one doing the killing, she’d probably be fine with the outcome, you know?”

They sat together in comfortable silence for what felt like hours. He knew what was coming. Or at least he figured he did.

“I spoke to Taylor…” Belly began, mindful not to provoke her brother’s anger. It was the way he handled Taylor-related trauma.

“You always speak to Taylor, Belly,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“It’s true. Steven, she told me that you said you did not have feelings for her anymore.”

“I never said that!” he immediately exclaimed.

“So, you do have feelings for her?”

Busted, he thought. He cupped his own face in his two hands in a vain attempt to gather some coherence before his answer.

“I didn’t say that either. It’s complicated. I just told her that it feels that the harder we try, the harder we fall. And come to think of it, I mean, we fell pretty hard this time, as I almost…died.”

It was the first time he had said it loudly to anyone. Belly darted into his eyes and put her arm around his shoulders.

“That’s true. But love is always about how you pick each other up, right?”

“Yes…” he said, expectingly. “Belly, what are you trying to say?”

She remained silent for a short time – although it seemed as long as infinity for Steven. She was pondering how much she should tell her brother. Taylor would kill her. Steven deserved to know, and Belly deserved to live. The conundrum was intense.

“I mean, she barely left your side when you were in coma,” Belly began, testing the waters of how far she could go.

“Yeah, I know that. She told me herself. And I am touched. But…”

“But, it’s not only that…” she added hastily. She had gone too far. She might as well go all the way. She will ask for Taylor’s mercy later.

“Steven, you know how we all tested for blood compatibility ahead of your surgery?”

“Well, yeah. And mom was the only compatible person, that’s what you and Taylor told me.”

“About that… That’s what Taylor wanted you to believe. It’s not entirely true.”

Steven was a Princeton graduate, with a one-semester early graduation. He was a lot of things, but he was not dumb. He realised where this was going. Yet, he feared the outcome of the conversation.

“What do you mean, Belly,” he replied a bit too harshly.

Belly stood of the swing. She began pacing around, her hands held tight one to the other.

“Taylor…She was the only compatible donor.”

Steven eyes narrowed on her, his mouth opened wide. He had seen it coming. Still, he was flabbergasted.

“This can’t be…”

“She didn’t want you to know. I was there when the doctor announced to her she’d be the only one able to save you. She did not hesitate. Not for a second.”

“Why?” he exhaled, barely more audible than a whisper.

“Why did she do it, or why did she not want you to know?”

“Both.”

“For the same reason. Because she loves you. Because she wanted you to choose her for that. Not for anything else.”

Steven did not react to Belly’s explanation. He just nodded, and sat back from the swing, wincing slightly from the pain in his lower back.

“I probably should get back in. Before Mama Laura sees me.” I have a lot to think about, he wanted to add. But they were Belly and Steven. She would understand that bit without him needing to actually spell it out.

Later that night, Steven could not sleep. He replayed his conversation with Taylor and Belly’s revelations in his mind. Guilt washed over him as he remembered what he told Taylor, the tone with which he did.

Belly was in synch with her brother. She could not sleep either. She was replaying her tense talk with Conrad. I don’t feel anything for you anymore. He had sounded so convincing when he said it. It came out of his mouth with such ease. Almost indifferently. He was indifferently indifferent to her.

The summers in Cousins, Junior Mint, the infinity necklace, the nights in their house when Susannah was sick, her birthdays spent together. None of that mattered for Conrad Fisher. Not anymore. That’s what his sentence meant.

It was not only that love confession he conceded to her during that fateful Debutante Ball summer he was relinquishing with unmatched nonchalance. It was their common history. Their bond.

At the same time, Belly’s phone lit up. It was a text message.

Jeremiah Fisher: I constantly think of you. I love you. Sleep tight, Bells.

He’d often send her that type of texts, to which she would seldom reply. The contrast between the two boys hit her as hard as a Cousins Beach wave on cold summer days. The contrast of her reaction to each of them too.

She also resented herself for the strained relationship between the two of them. What had started five years ago as some sort of cordial downgrade of their relationship, had turned into a sour relationship recently. Because of me.

That’s where it hit her. Conrad was so focused on perceiving himself as a villain that he missed who was the true villain. I am. Because of my stupid childhood crushes, I broke an entire family.

The Fishers would be better without her.

It all made sense. She was a villain. That news she got last week thus should not be surprising to her. And bad things happen to villains. It’s just the logic of life. Or Karma.

If she wanted a chance at redemption, she needed to leave. There is nothing holding me back, here.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 – You Always Find Your Way Back Home

Weeks went by as Belly pondered how to announce to everyone that she was going to Paris next semester. Between Steven’s recovery and the Fisher brothers often around, she never found a good time. The only person who was aware so far was Taylor.

“You have to tell them, Belly,” Taylor hissed as they were both in Belly’s room.

“Tell us what, Bells?”

Jeremiah had peeked his head through the door. He had heard them talking as he was walking in the corridor. The relationship between Belly and him was still a bit frosty. They would speak when they were forced to by circumstances.

Otherwise, their interactions were close to non-existent. That frustrated Jeremiah a little, who had told Belly the other night that he would not be sitting around eternally waiting for her. It was out of frustration, mostly. And pride. He had waited on Belly most of his life, mostly for her to get over whatever there was between Conrad and her.

There is no point waiting on me anyway, she thought. She had just remained silent instead, and smiled slightly at him.

“Nothing, Jeremiah. Just tell my classmates at Finch that I’d be stepping down from our French literature study group.”

He looked at her quizzically, unimpressed by Belly’s lie. He could tell she was lying by the slight twitch of her lips. He knew that about her. He knew everything about her. He did not dispute her assertion.

He was hopeful. Belly had not yet told her family that he had been unfaithful. She wanted to protect him, to protect their relationship. It meant that she was willing to try. If Conrad kept his mouth shut – which, so far, he had – they could fix this.

They needed to be quick though. His mother has asked him the other day about his relationship with Belly. Out of the blue.

“Jeremiah honey. Are you and Belly alright?” Susannah had asked him one day they were back at their place in Boston, while lying on the couch, flipping the pages of Laurel’s last novel.

“Yeah…Yeah. We’re… good. Why are you asking?”

“No reason in particular. I just noticed you two talked less on the phone, and generally spoke less even when we’re all together. I just wanted to make sure that you’re fine. She’s my special girl, you know that.” Susannah had smiled fondly after her last sentence.

Jeremiah inhaled for a long moment.

“Yeah, of course, I know Mom. She’s mine too. Very special girl,” he said with a wink in an effort to seem like his usual flirty self.

“I hope you always treat her as such, Jerebear,” his mom smiled before returning to her reading.

At that moment, he had wondered whether Susannah was not trying to send him a cryptic message, whether she felt something was off. Blame it on motherly instinct. She had not pushed him ever since though.

That night, he had texted Belly: “Bells, you haven’t told my mom anything, right?”

Belly’s answer had been almost immediate: “Of course not, Jere. I would never.”

Jeremiah was not sure if it was for his sake or his mother’s. Probably a bit of both. But Belly’s tone showed that she still cared about his feelings, at least in part. It means there is still a chance.

Jeremiah got out of his thoughts as he realised he had been standing before Steven’s door, spiralling, for a while.

In Belly’s room, the conversation between her and Taylor had gotten a bit more intense.

“Belly, you are going to go live across the Atlantic. We’re not talking about a new pair of shoes.”

“Taylor, I know. But you see how the situation is. Steven is almost recovered but not quite yet. And they are always here. I just want a bit more peace and quiet.”

Taylor looked at her with narrow eyes. She too knew Belly. To a degree that was almost frightening if it weren’t endearing.

“You mean, you are not…” Taylor said, her hand over her mouth.

“I don’t have to. I don’t owe them anything. They’re the sons of my friend’s mom. They don’t need to know.”

Taylor had not expected that Belly Conklin would ever grow a backbone when it came to Conrad or Jeremiah Fisher. She always assumed that they were her kryptonite. Secretly, she enjoyed the development a little. That made her miss the fact that change usually comes after a shock.

“You know what? Good for you, Cinderbelly,” Taylor had told her, with a big smile on her face. “I mean, Paris is going to be incroyable,” she added, gushing.

Incredible. It was the right term to describe what Belly was feeling. Literally. She could not believe all the changes happening in her life at the moment. She could not believe either that she was hiding part of it from Taylor.

Ever since they were children, she always told everything to Taylor. When her cat died, Taylor was the first to know. When Conrad Fisher spent the summer ignoring her, Taylor was the first to know. When she got kicked out of the volleyball team, Taylor was the first to know.

For the first time in her life, Belly was holding something back from Taylor. And that unsettled her. If she couldn’t even put it into words for her best friend, how could she ever face the Fisher boys with it?

Weeks rolled by, and Belly was still unable to speak to Taylor, or to anyone. She would forget on occasion. Until she could not. It was usually at night, in that small of vulnerability that precedes sleep.

Even now that she was in Cousins, Taylor breathing slightly next to her, she still had that short moment of vulnerable realisation. She was going to Paris, not only for Paris’ sake. She was going for a reason.

The atmosphere in Cousins was not the same without the boys. They would always spend her birthday together. She would always have Mickey Mouse pancakes for breakfast, and Conrad would usually stir something up in her with reference to infinity. This year though, neither Conrad nor Jeremiah was here.

The ghost of their absence was still thick. Especially Jeremiah’s. He had finally confessed to Susannah that Belly and he were no longer together. It was a week before the trip to Cousins, in their house in Boston.

“What do you mean you’re not coming?” Susannah asked him, in surprise, when Jeremiah told her he would not make it to Cousins for Belly’s birthday.

“I mean… I screwed up, mom,” he began, before he got emotional. “Belly broke up with me.”

Susannah could not hide her disappointment. Her usual quirky face had given way to a stern look inviting him to continue.

“It was during spring break. We had a huge fight, to the point I thought we were broken up…”

Susannah put her hand on her mouth. She was young too. She knew where this was going.

“I was in Cabo, I was sad, and there was a girl… She was just there. And, it was nice to feel, you know, wanted. I caved in…” Jeremiah did not finish his sentence, as he burst into tears.

He crawled in between Susannah’s arms who welcomed him, despite it all. She knew what her son had done was wrong. He knew it too. It was enough for her not to scold him. At least, not yet.

“Mom, I love her so much. She’s my entire life…”

“I know you do, Jerebear. I think she does too. But these things, they leave scars on someone’s heart, especially a woman’s.”

“I know mom… And I was horrible to her a couple of weeks ago. I was just frustrated that she would not speak to me, when we were in Providence, I told her…”

His sobs made his sentence break at a crucial moment. Susannah was torn between not pushing him and dying to know more.

“I told her I would not wait for her eternally,” he confessed, obviously ashamed. “The worst is it was obviously a lie. I would wait for her as long as it takes.”

“And don’t you think it would be a nice opportunity to make up, being together in Cousins, like old times?”

He shook his head vigorously, his curls drawing an invisible wave that his mother was so fond of.

“I’d rather she asked me directly. If she doesn’t, I’d rather give her the time she needs.”

Susannah had not pushed the topic further. Laurel and her had promised each other that they would not get caught up in the middle of their children relationship. Even when Susannah told Laurel about Jeremiah’s betrayal, she did under the promise that she would not speak about it to any of them. To anyone. They needed to learn how to sort their stuff out.

“God, Laurel. I was so close to telling him about Adam cheating on me years ago, when I had cancer,” Susannah confessed to her best friend on their first night in Cousins.

“I mean, you should tell him, at some point. Just so he understands how much it hurts. But yeah, I agree, I don’t think it was the best timing,” Laurel smiled.

“You’re defending him even though he’s done what he’s done to Belly?” Susannah asked, unsure whether she was mad or grateful to Laurel. They would often stir contradictory feelings one in the other. That was the secret to the greatest friendship of all times, Laurel had told her friend once.

“I am not defending him, Beck. You just don’t shoot a man at their lowest,” Laurel said, with one of those shy smiles that only her could muster.

Belly had not invited Jeremiah. She wanted to keep her distance from him, with both of them, although Conrad would not be a problem. She had caught a Facetime conversation between him and Laurel a few days before they departed for Cousins.

“Hey Laurel, how are you?”

“Good, how about you Connie? How’s Stanford treating you?”

“Okay, you know, it’s always nice to be back. Definitely warmer than the east coast,” he said with a soft chuckle.

“So, your mom is organising a birthday party for Belly in Cousins. The usual thing. She was… I mean we were wondering if you’d…”

“No,” Conrad had cut her off. He inhaled deeply to gather his thoughts. “I mean, I don’t really feel coming back for that.”

Belly had not been strong enough to hear the rest of the conversation. Instead, she rushed to her room in a matter of seconds.

She hated him for dismissing her birthday. She had hated how her heart broke a little when she heard him say that. She hated that he still had that pull over her.

It had been five years since that kiss on the beach. I need to get a grip.

“Connie will not be here either. It’s crazy how things changed…” Susannah said to Laurel, after they had sat in comfortable silence in the living room of the beach house.

“About that, I had him over the phone a couple of weeks ago.”

“I am not surprised,” Susannah said with a small chuckle. “He always felt more at ease opening up to you. You two just get together. I think it’s because you’re both secluded, stubborn and you both loathe to feel vulnerable,” she added.

“Probably,” Laurel mused. She knew Susannah actually loved that Conrad found in Laurel an odd mix of a mom and a best friend. “I think he… God, I think he still has not gotten over his feelings for Belly.”

Susannah looked at her with interest, slight sitting back up on the couch, her eyes instructing Laurel to continue.

“He told me he didn’t feel like coming back for her birthday because… he was unsure he could be around Belly, like before. He was not sure he’d be able to sit through a birthday, like before.”

Susannah was not surprised. Even in the last few years, Conrad would barely be around the house on Belly’s birthdays. He’d be in Cousins, but funnily always missing in action on that day.

“Belly is the best thing that happened to the boys,” Susannah said. “Maybe it was too good at such an early age. But they’ll find their way back. You always find your way back home.”

The following, Belly woke up to the smell of pancakes coming from downstairs. They were Susannah’s speciality. And on her birthday, they were just extra. For some reason, she felt a knot in her stomach.

They would not be here. Jeremiah sent her a text at exactly midnight: “Happy birthday Bells. I hope you have an amazing one. I wish I was there with all of you. I understand why I am not, though. I am sorry, again. And I love you, forever.”

Conrad had not texted. She wanted to believe that it was because of time difference.

She felt Taylor waking up before her, as she hugged her tightly and exclaimed: “Happy birthday, Cinderbelly! No more underage, girl! Today is a big day, Belly.”

It was. Today, she would be able to order a drink at a bar without resorting to a fake ID, although she would probably not go there. Today, she would finally open up to everyone.

As she walked down those stairs, she wondered if next year, she’d have the opportunity to do the same. She remembered how she’d done it for as long as she could remember, each year. How she’s taken it for granted.

“Happy birthday, my precious girl!” Susannah had welcomed her, embracing her in a tight hug.

Laurel followed suit, telling her girl she was proud of her. “I guess you’re not a baby anymore, Belly.”

Steven had pretended that this show of love had him want to throw up, before he eventually took his little sister in his arms in a brotherly hug: “Happy birthday, Bellybutton!” he said, laughing and ruffling up her hair, all at once.

It’s been so long anyone had not called her that. Jeremiah used to. He stopped somewhere after their first year of dating, for some reason. She found herself longing for him calling her that one more time.

The Mickey Mouse pancakes were phenomenal, as always. “Thank you so much Susannah,” Belly had said after a first bite. They lacked the infinity-shaped splash of maple syrup that Conrad would always put on them, even on the years he was not around for most of the day.

“Why does he keep doing this,” he had asked Steven once.

“Dunno. Tradition, I guess. I don’t sweat it, bro. She’s with you,” Steven had answered, to appease Jeremiah.

Belly could swear that maple syrup did not have the same taste this year. It tasted less sugary, less honey-like, less everything, in fact. The infinity shape just fit the Mickey Mouse one to a T.

The rest of the day had been a blast. Susannah had planned the perfect day on the beach: food, beach-volley, tanning, music. It was everything Belly would ever hope for each year.

They even crossed paths with Cam Cameron. That was not planned, and it last a few seconds. Yet, it put Belly in a good mood. It also got her wondering it would not have been all more comfortable to just stick with him during that eventful summer. The summer she turned pretty. At least to the eyes of the Fisher brothers.

“It’s weird not being here without the boys,” she had told Susannah when it was just the two of them on the beach for a little while.

“Don’t worry about them, Bells. Not today. I know you miss them. I know they miss you to. It’s just… At the end, everything is going to be alright. And if it’s not alright yet, it means it’s just not the end yet, my princess,” Susannah told her, taking Belly’s hand lovingly in hers.

Susannah always believed that only good things happened to good people. Belly wanted to believe that as well, ever since she was a kid. That’s why she was so close to Susannah.

But now that everything had changed, that everything was about to change, she’d rather not believe it. What if what was happening to her was a byproduct of her getting in between to brothers?

Dinner was delicious yet uneventful. Belly had not taken part in the conversations. She was bidding her time. After dessert, she inhaled deeply. She looked to Taylor’s direction’s, who was sat next her and shot her a supportive look. Here goes nothing.

“I have something to tell you,” Belly started off, her hands fidgeting under the table.

“The birthday girl has an announcement for us peasants,” Steven snickered.

“Very funny, Steven,” Laurel scolded him lightly. “What is it, Belly Bean?” her mother encouraged her.

Belly ran her hand to replace a strand of hair behind her ear. Jeremiah used to laugh that it was her nervous gesture.

“I was admitted to a semester exchange in Paris,” she said. I finally said it.

The table remained silent for a few seconds that felt like eternity to Belly. Like infinity. Like she was driving endlessly around those curves.

“It’s great news, my love,” Susannah had said with a bright smile.

“It’s fantastic, Belly,” Laurel added. “When are you due to give your response back?”

“Actually, it… It happened before Steven’s accident… I already had accepted then. Just, with everything going on… It didn’t feel like the right time to tell you.”

“So, you’re going?” Laurel asked, rhetorically. She held Susannah’s hand on the table. Their girl was growing up.

“Yes, it’s Paris. I’ve already booked my tickets. I am leaving this weekend.”

“This early?” her mother exclaimed. “Why”

Even Taylor looked at her with shock. She had not told her she’d be leaving so soon.

Belly just shrugged off. Why waiting any longer? She needed to get there.

“Apartment hunting in Paris is a nightmare. The earlier, the better,” Belly said with a smile. She knew that a rational reason would reassure her mom.

She let the news sink in to everyone. She then added: “There is something else.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 – A Woman’s Worth

“What do you mean, you can’t?” Jeremiah asked, his bewilderment growing by the minute.

He was with Susannah in their living room in Boston. The initial shock came when he was heading out, telling his mother, proudly: “I am going to Providence. I have to win her back. At least, try.”

Susannah fidgeted with her fingers. Part of her wanted to leave it to Laurel to break the news to Jeremiah. But she could not.

“Jere Bear, please come have a seat with me,” she had said.

He looked weirdly at this mom, wondering why she would hold him off.

“Can it wait, Mom? I have a long drive and…” He interrupted himself when he saw the look on his mom’s face. It was unusual. A mix of pain and admonition.

“No point in driving all the way there, Belly…”

“Belly, what Mom? Did she say anything?”

Susannah exhaled. There was no turning back at this point. She wished Laurel was around. She always knew what to say, especially to the boys.

“Belly is gone, honey.” When Susannah pronounced those words, she felt her heart lighter for a second, then breaking for her son a second later. He was chuckling in confusion, is misunderstanding, in shock.

“What do you mean, she’s gone?” He asked frantically. “Mom, what do you mean she’s gone?” he repeated, sitting up the couch, as if it was burning beneath him.

“She got admitted to the exchange program in Paris, and she accepted the spot. She is there already.”

Jeremiah looked at his mother as if she had gone crazy. Or maybe it was him who was losing his sanity. Paris. He didn’t even know that Belly had applied. All of a sudden, he remembered that fateful night. He had learnt that he needed to stay an extra semester at Finch. He would be a super senior because he had not read his emails carefully. He immediately came to Belly’s dorm, sulking.

She had entered all smiling, about to tell him something. But she ended up soothing him. He knew he had to ask her what was going on later. Unless, later never happened. Later was when she found out about his affair with Lucy Baron.

“She’ll be gone for the entire semester. I need to…”

“She might actually stay beyond the semester, as far as I know. That’s what she told us during her birthday,” Susanah added, making sure that Jeremiah would not het his hopes too high.

Her birthday. It was almost two weeks ago. All along, his mom knew and she had not told him anything.

“Mom, you knew all along. Why didn’t you tell me?” The look of betrayal in her son’s as made Susannah’s heart ache.

“She didn’t want us to. She specifically requested it from us.”

“I see, so you’re on her side,” Jeremiah angrily said.

“There are no sides. I’ve always told you that Belly was a daughter as much as you are a son to me. I have to respect your wishes. All of your wishes.”

If Susannah had said this about anyone else, Jeremiah would have fumed. But it was Belly they were talking about. He could not be mad. He loved that his mom approved of her that much.

“I understand,” he conceded, frustrated. “Did she tell…”, he continued.

“No.” Susannah’s answer was flat. Flatter that she had wanted it to be. She knew that her son had long developed an inferiority complex with regards to his older brother. Especially when it came to Belly.

“No, Conrad doesn’t know either,” Susannah said, in a softer tone. “I guess Belly did not want to shake your lives.” She wanted to believe that, rather than thinking that her special girl was done with her boys. It couldn’t be.

Jeremiah began pacing in the living room, his phone in his hands.

“There is a flight for Paris that departs tonight. I still can catch it. Do you have her whereabouts?"

Susannah could have lied. It would have been easier. After all, Belly put her in a tough situation that she had not asked for. But she had to keep her daughter’s secret. Technically, she was not her daughter, but in her heart, she was.

“I do. But…”

“There are no buts, Mom. I gotta go there,” Jeremiah insisted, boring his dreamy eyes in his mother’s

“I can’t give her details out to you, Jere Bear.” She loathed that she had to say that sentence.

Her son looked at her once again, laughing nervously once again.

“What do you mean, you can’t?” That’s where Jeremiah Fisher lost it. It did not happen often. He usually was the happy one, the one that always smiled even when things were going south. He had never raised his voice to his mother. Until that moment.

“What do you mean, you can’t, Mom,” he repeated, louder.

“I mean, she does not want us to share her contact details with you. At least not yet. She said she would do so when she’d be ready. You have to respect that. We both do.”

Jeremiah sat back on the couch, his face in his hands, his shoulder slumping. She did not want to have anything with him anymore, he thought. And it was all his fault.

“I lost her. She’s done with me. It’s all my fault, Mom,” he said crying. Susannah couldn’t anything, so she just got closer to him circling his back through his hiccups. “She is my entire world, and I blew it. I thought I’d give her space, and there she went putting an ocean between us. Literally.”

“I think she needs time to…process. I mean, what happened between you two, it’s not innocuous. Especially for a woman.”

Susannah exhaled. Her son’s expression showed he was intrigued. He would ask to know more.

“Did she say anything to you, Mom, about…”

“No, Jeremiah.” Susannah started. She could have stopped there. That’s what her true nature would have instructed her to do. But she was in a chatty mood that night.

“I am speaking from experience, honey,” she added, peaking her son’s interest. “You remember when I had cancer three years ago, right?” Jeremiah nodded, expectantly.

“Well, your father had… He had an affair with his secretary.”

Jeremiah looked at his mom in a way he had never before. It was a mix of guilt, shame, rage and a bit of pity. Susannah decided to overlook the latter.

“With Kayleigh?” He asked, to make sure he was understanding correctly.

“Yes. It was a rough time, when it happened. I almost got a divorce,” she confessed to her son.

“Why didn’t you? Conrad and I would have supported it, you know.”

“I know you would’ve, baby. But I didn’t want to break up your family while you risked losing your mother,” she smiled, sadly. “I was making you go through a lot already not to make it harder on you.”

“So, you decided to keep quiet,” he asked angrily. He resented his mother for not confiding in him, for keeping all of this to herself for so long.

“I did. I mean Laurel knew. But it wasn’t your problem to solve kids.”

“We had a right to know, Mom. Because this piece of shit is our…”

“Don’t speak this way about your father. What he did was despicable, sure. But that doesn’t define him. Just like it doesn’t define you, Jere Bear,” she finished on a more loving tone.

Jeremiah sat there silent for a second. It’s true that it did not define him. He hated himself for what he did, but he knew it was not him. He wondered whether his father felt any remorse at all. Maybe that’s where the dividing line between making a mistake and being actual tool lied.

“I am sorry you had to experience this without our support, Mom,” Jeremiah said hugging his mother. “By the way, Laurel did she…”

“Let’s say that Adam still vividly remembers the red print of her hand on his face,” Susannah said in a chuckle.

Jeremiah laughed imagining the scene of a short yet fiery Laurel slapping his father across the face. “Well done, Laurel!” he exclaimed.

“But what I wanted you to know, Jere Bear, is that this kind of…mishaps. They leave a scar on a woman. You just have to accept it. And forgive yourself, while hoping she forgives you too, eventually.”

Jeremiah nodded. He wished he had known about this story earlier. Preferably before he got with Lucy Barone. The memory of his mother’s eyes filled with sorrow when she recounted his father’s infidelity would have probably stopped him. But there was no going back, now.

“I have a lot to think about, Mom. Thank you for sharing your story with me. And I am sorry for disappointing you,” he said.

She had smiled, not willing to add anything. Because there was no point in telling him he hadn’t disappointed her when he in fact did. Hopefully, he’d learned a woman’s worth. Or at least, Belly’s worth.

Jeremiah went back to his room. He kept thinking about what went down between his parents. He wanted to hit his father, for good measure. Or at least yell at him. And he wanted to tell Belly. He’d always told everything to Belly.

When his mother was sick, Belly had been the only own he opened to about his fear of losing her. She’s always been so good finding the right words and soothing him. She’s always been the strong one.

“Hey Bells, I just learned for Paris. I hope you’re having a blast. I know you may not want to hear from me right now, but I need to speak to you. Something came up. Call me when you see this. Love, always and forever.”

He had texted her, mindful of the time difference. His phone had popped the very next second. It was surprising to him that she’d be still up. She wasn’t though.

“The phone number your number you’re trying to reach is disconnected.”

One sentence. It broke his heart. She wanted so bad to cut ties with them, with him, that she went as far as changing numbers. He knew his mother would not budge. So, he did the only thing that came to his mind.

There he was, at his desk, the night having long enveloped the city of Boston, a piece of paper in front of him. When they were kids, they would always send letters to each other in between their summers in Cousins.

He had kept all the ones she had written to him throughout the years. Hers were usually longer, more articulate and more heartfelt compared to his, which never exceeded a few lines. She had never held it against him.

Dear Bells,

I don’t know where to start. The night was eventful. It started with Mom telling me you had gone to Paris. I had no idea. Had I known, I would have come to see you, at least to bid you goodbye. I am not mad at you, though. I knew why you did what you did.

Paris. I know how long you have dreamt of it, and how much you love this city even though you’ve never been. I am so happy for you. I hope it brings you all you ever wished for, and more.

I understand you no longer want to have anything to do with me, at least for now. I respect that. I have to say it broke my heart though when Mom told me that you didn’t want her to share your whereabouts with me. You won’t be surprising that she did not cave in, even to one of my most beautiful smiles.

You always said no one could resist me when I smiled. I guess Susannah Fisher is an exception, when it comes to keeping a promise for her daughter, Isabel Conklin.

 I am writing this letter on the outer chance that when you get back from your semester abroad, you’re still interested in reading it. Interested in having anything to do with me.

I know I have said it countless time already, but I am sorry, truly. For everything. For cheating, first. I tremble as I write these words, because you cannot imagine how ashamed I feel right now. For lying about it, second. I thought that hiding it deep in my memory, pretending it never happened, would make it disappear. Obviously, it did not.

I also apologise for trying to pretend that we were not together because of the fight we had before I went on spring break. The truth is I knew we were still together. I just made up this excuse to myself, for being able to live with what I did. It was stupid of me, and I understand now that it hurt you even more.

Finally, I am sorry for how I behaved thereafter, telling you I wouldn’t wait for you eternally while I would. If you asked me, I would, in a heartbeat. I lied, again, because I was frustrated with myself and above all, because I was afraid of losing you definitively. I am still afraid.

You know, before taking up a pen to write this letter, I tried texting you. It bounced back. I missed you. I will always miss you. Above all, I missed my best friend. My text was purely selfish, and for that, I apologise again. God, I feel all I can do is apologise to you.

I wanted nothing more but to speak to you, because for the very first time, I am beginning to fully understand what you’ve been going through, and why you have reacted the way you have.

My Mom told me earlier today, that whilst she was sick, my lame excuse of a father went on and cheated on her with his secretary. Can you believe my Mom hid that from us all these years? Laurel knew, of course. But I highly doubt she told you anything about “Mr Fisher”, as you call him, being unfaithful.

I saw the hurt in her eyes. I had never seen her like that. It’s like the ghost of the hurt would never disappear. I immediately thought of you when I saw that, in more than a way.

Initially, I just thought that I needed to speak to you, Bells. I needed my best friend. Because it’s always such a harsh moment realising that your father is actually a tool. You’ve always known what to say, and you’ve always been so good at listening and caring for me. And I am sure that had you known the state I am right now, you would’ve put everything aside and you would’ve supported me. Unconditionally, because that’s who you are.

In a way, I’m happy you don’t know. I’m happy you’re away. Because I wouldn’t have deserved your support, your friendship or your compassion.

It’s the thing Bells, seeing my Mom fighting through sorrow to tell me her story, I finally realised what you must have gone through. And I hate myself for all of it. For hurting you of course, but also for having taken so long to understand what you went through, for real.

What I did to you is something I must live with every day. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I want to you know that what I did has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing. You are and remain the most perfect person in the entire world. I want you to know that regardless of what happens or does not happen with us in the future, for me, you’ll always be the most perfect person in the entire world. And that I will love you, forever.

As I write these lines, I am not asking for forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it. All I am hoping for, is that we eventually get back in each other’s life in whatever capacity. Because nobody gets me the way do. And no one ever will.

I hope someday, you get to read this letter.

I love you Bells, Forever and Always.

Jeremiah

He had shed a single tear on the letter; it was on his name. He had remembered the way she would say it. Lovingly. He needed to let go of it. Of her.

When Jeremiah was finishing his words, it was almost 7 am in Paris. Belly was waking up in her apartment in Montmartre. She had stayed in the dorms for a few days, but her new friend Gemma told her she would leave her appartement, and that the landlords were looking for a new tenant.

“Isabel, you cannot do Paris right from this dorm. You have to actually be in the city, let it sink in,” Gemma had told her.

And there she was, waking up a way earlier than what she was used to. Her mother would be proud that Belly no longer needed to be dragged out of bed in mornings. She was becoming responsible. But also increasingly worried. All of it was a bit too overwhelming.

As she stepped out of her bed to go make a cup of coffee – yes, she had to get on board with coffee, she was living in Paris after all – there was the Sacré Coeur reminding her of where she was. Not that she could ever forget.

The sun was up already, yet the city was still shrouded in silence. It wouldn’t last. Paris was always buzzing all around, especially in this part of town where tourists would soon collide with locals, immigrants, shop owners and street art.

The first day she had moved in, she went and visited the sculpture of Dalida, a French-Egyptian singer. It was a five-minute walk away from her apartment. Apparently, touching her boobs brought luck. And she would need that.

A few minutes later, her phone rang. She recognised the number. She had dialled it a few times since she got to Paris.

“Mademoiselle Conklin, j’appelle pour confirmer votre premier rendez-vous après-demain,” the woman said — calling to confirm her first appointment for the day after tomorrow.

“Oui, bien sûr. C’est toujours bon avec moi,” Belly replied automatically — Yes, of course. That still works for me.

God, it is “bon pour moi”, not “avec”, she thought.

Anyway, the lady over the phone got the gist of it. She quickly confirmed and hang up.

In two days, the rest of her life would start.