Archive of Our Own

"So, nothing you tried has worked?" Mu Qingfang asks for the tenth time.

"Yes," Shen Qingqiu replies sharply.

"And you have tried, erm- the traditional method?"

"Several times," answers Luo Binghe at Shen Qingqiu's side. Usually he would've received a slap with a fan for saying such embarrassing things. However, it seems his husband is too busy drilling holes in Mu Qingfang's skull in hopes he will find there an answer he wants to hear.

Finally, with a long sigh, Mu Qingfang lets go of Shen Qingqiu's wrist.

"Shen-shixiong, I am very sorry, but I am afraid there is nothing that can be done about the nectar. You have to wait until it runs its course and leaves your system on its own," Mu Qingfang says in an apologetic voice. Said voice would've been more believable if he didn't look like a parent who realized he needed to tell kids that their long-awaited ride to Disneyland was canceled.

"I see," says Shen Qingqiu.

And then he bursts into tears.

To say that Shen Qingqiu is angry would be an understatement.

He is furious, almost shaking with rage.

He is pretty sure the last time he got this angry he literally died, and that says something.

"Husband, is everything all right?" Luo Binghe's worried voice forces him to remember where he is.

Ah, of course he noticed something was wrong. It's hard not to when they are flying on one sword, bodies pressed close.

Shen Qingqiu could've used his own sword if not for that stupid— 

"This master is fine," Shen Qingqiu forces himself to take a deep breath and calm down. No need to worry his husband with inane hysterics. "Let's hurry to Qing Jing." The flight from Qian Cao isn't long, but Shen Qingqiu really wants to go home.

Stupid poison, stupid flower!

Shen Qingqiu wants to also curse Airplane with his stupid wife plots. Except he can't! The flower he got poisoned by wasn't even a part of Proud Immortal Demon Way! Which isn't surprising. Flowers in PIDW served two purposes: a thinly veiled excuse for papapa or a convenient plot device to solve all the problems Luo Bingge was facing in a particular arc. There was no reason for this flower to exist in PIDW! There was no reason to add a flower that turned you into...

Into...

A Crybaby

It all started one day ago when Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe were having a romantic picnic. The situation consisted of all the elements of a typical filler wife plot. A picturesque remote location? Check. Shen Qingqiu stumbling over empty air and face-planting into a patch of unknown flowers? Check. Shen Qingqiu getting a mouthful of some weird nectar from said flowers? Check, check, check! By all the rules of the universe, the liquid was supposed to be an aphrodisiac! It was an obvious setup to give Luo Binghe a reason to fuck Shen Qingqiu on soft grass, surrounded by wild flowers, under a clear blue sky. You know, like a typical wife plot!

Except the nectar had no aphrodisiac properties. Thankfully it wasn't the other type of wife plot, so it wasn't a poison either. Blood parasites inside Shen Qingqiu's body found no signs of anything malicious, and his meridians were in perfect condition. By all means, it looked like there was nothing special about the flower!

For a while they both were very tense, waiting for something horrible to happen. However, when Shen Qingqiu didn't drop dead, they relaxed and finished their date with no other issues.

(They did end up having sex in a flower field. Just in case.)

Despite Shen Qingqiu showing no signs of anything being wrong, Luo Binghe decided to take some flower samples. If the liquid was dangerous, then they could give it to Mu Qingfang or Shang Qinghua for identification. Shen Qingqiu didn't protest. In the PIDW world you couldn't be too paranoid when it came to the local flora.

After that they come back home and spend the rest of the day in an unremarkable peace.

Everything went downhill the next day.

At first there was no indication that anything was wrong. And then, as always, Luo Binghe presented his husband with breakfast. A combination of a good rest, delicious food, and the sight of Luo Binghe basking in morning light filled Shen Qingqiu with so much emotion he promptly burst into tears.

Luo Binghe panicked.

Shen Qingqiu also panicked.

Honestly, the whole situation was just ridiculous.

They tried everything to get rid of the poison. Dual cultivation, blood parasites, every single cure-it-all plot device Shen Qingqiu had in his possession, dual cultivation again. Nothing worked—Shen Qingqiu kept crying. 

They rushed to Mu Qingfang the same day in hopes of getting a solution. What Shen Qingqiu got instead were weak words of compassion and news that not only could Mu Qingfang not do anything about the nectar, there was no antidote to it at all!

No wonder. This stupid grass isn't a malicious poison that requires a treatment. It's a medical herb!

Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup is a small flower that grows in the fields of the human realm. It looks like a common buttercup, with the only notable differences being its color—light blue—and its nectar—not poisonous—that usually sits on its petals like dew or raindrops. The nectar is the most valuable part of the flower.

Apothecaries that can get ahold of a raining buttercup collect its nectar and make an extract out of it. However, it is used not as a medicine for the body but as a medicine for the mind. There are a shit ton of things it can help you with: nightmares, deep grief, sorrow, mood swings, persistent fears, general anxiety, and more.

Basically, it's a cure-it-all xianxia antidepressant.

Sounds great, doesn't it? A flower that isn't an aphrodisiac and it helps people? What can Shen Qingqiu possibly complain about?

However, there is a catch.

Raining buttercups are incredibly rare and can only be found away from human settlements. So apothecaries do the smart thing and grow their own flowers instead. After all, there isn't any difference between wild flowers and homegrown, right?

Wrong!

Because, for some reason, nectar collected in the wild actually does have different properties! On cultivators specifically! 

Mu Qingfang said it has something to do with the pure natural qi and how sometimes plants need to get hardened by elements and unbothered by human touch and blah blah blah. Shen Qingqiu calls bullshit.

How could it be that homegrown nectar needs to be regularly taken for many days before it has any effect, but one drop of its wild brethren sends the cultivator's system into overdrive?

Bull.Shit.

Apparently, when the nectar of the wild flower gets into the cultivator's system, it starts the process of “Soul Cleansing.”

Apparently, this soul cleansing is very good for cultivators.

Mu Qingfang was shocked when he saw the flowers that Luo Binghe brought for identification. After thoroughly grilling the pair for where they found this treasure, he excitedly explained its effects.

Apparently, because this flower is so hard to find in the wild, there are not that many cultivators who have gone through the process of soul cleansing. So Mu Qingfang couldn't explain the whole scope of its effects—not much is known about it. However, he assured worried Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe that there is nothing to worry about.

Soul cleansing goes like this: it starts the next day after the cultivator ingests some of the nectar and lasts at least 10 days. During the soul cleansing, the cultivator experiences some minor qi fluctuations. It happens because Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup can actually repair damaged cultivation or give some minor boost if there is nothing wrong. This is notable since most of the magical items that promise to improve cultivation with no work are unreliable at best and dangerous at worst. The flower that can reliably give even a minor improvement to cultivation or straight-up repair it, with no strain on body or mind, with rarity being the only drawback, is crazy useful. However, despite its almost miraculous cultivation-boosting properties, there is another reason why raining buttercup is so unique. It's because there exist other things that can improve cultivation with no negative consequences. But there is no other flower or artifact or secret technique that can get rid of Heart Demons.

Do you know how it does it?

You guessed it.

It makes you cry.

Mu Qingfang said that nectar ‘gently coaxes the tears out of affected cultivators’ and it ‘provides a relief from any heart demons.’ This is the nice way to say that this thing forces you to cry your eyes out. In hopes of calming Shen Qingqiu, he tried to convince him that “you aren't actually crying, Shen-shixiong. All the records say that this is just a physical reaction that has nothing to do with your mental state. You shouldn't be embarrassed about it.” Shen Qingqiu wasn't convinced.

After listening to this explanation, Shen Qingqiu understood exactly why this flower could have never come out of Proud Immortal Demon Way. The way to improve one's cultivation that isn't protagonist's dick? As if! And what an unsexy way to do so!

“Shixiong is very lucky,” Mu Qingfang said to Shen Qingqiu before they left. “You have the opportunity to experience the effects of such a rare flower. Considering you found it by accident… This is truly a blessing.”

Shen Qingqiu doesn't feel lucky.

What the fuck is this shit? He curses inside his head.

What improved cultivation? He has regular dual cultivation with Heavenly fucking Demon, the protagonist of this world! What more improvement does he need?! Heart demons?! What Heart demons?! Shen Qingqiu has no heart demons! It should have been the original goods! That guy seemed like he needed to get rid of some heart demons, not him!

Alright, maybe Shen Qingqiu isn't so delusional as to claim that he had absolutely no personal issues. The problem is how the poison resolves those issues. And it resolves them in the most ridiculous and humiliating manner!

It's horrible.

Every time Shen Qingqiu experiences any slightly strong emotion, he cries.

Slight melancholy? Tears. Joy? Tears. Frustration? Tears. Anxiety? Tears. Confusion? Tears.

For fuck's sake, he is sure he will burst into tears if he sees a beautiful tree!

Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous! Who tuned this shit? Can he lower its sensitivity or something? So he could, you know, stop crying every five minutes?

The whole situation would've been more tolerable if he could hide from the cultivation world and wait until the effects of nectar had passed. However, Mu Qingfang didn't want to let him go unsupervised. In the end it was decided: Shen Qingqiu would let poison do its thing, he would not overexert himself, and he would stay on his peak for the sake of 'monitoring his condition.' Monitor his ass, couldn't Mu-shidi spare his Shixiong some face? Because there is no way he would make it out of it with his face intact.

As Luo Binghe flies closer to the point of destination, Shen Qingqiu feels the dread rise in his chest. He loves his peak; it's one of his favorite places in the whole world. But the prospect of being surrounded by people while in this (for lack of a better word) fragile state fills him with such a strong feeling of helplessness he immediately feels the now familiar stinging in his eyes.

No.

No!

He will not cry! He refused to! He is already so close to his bamboo house. What if someone sees? How will he live with that?

Shen Qingqiu concentrates on his traitorous tear ducts and forcefully sucks in a tear threatening to spill. This will probably result in a headache later, but he refuses to give up!

Luo Binghe finally reaches the bamboo house and gives his husband a hand. Shen Qingqiu gracefully accepts, with no trace of wetness in his eyes. Maybe he can survive ten whole days of this…

"Husband, should this one go and prepare dinner?" Luo Binghe asks, leading Shen Qingqiu into the house with their connected hands.

"Please do, Binghe," Shen Qingqiu answers with a sigh. "I think we should go to sleep early today. It was a long day." He says

It will be even longer ten days he thinks.

Things don't get better the next day.

Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe have just finished their breakfast when they hear very energetic and familiar knocking.

Shen Qingqiu sighs, "This master will receive them," he nods to his husband.

Behind the door, as expected, he finds Ning Yingying and Ming Fan. They both bow to him in a formal greeting.

"Good morning, Shizun! You're back early," says Ning Yingying with a smile. If Shen Qingqiu didn't know any better, he could've wondered how they knew he's here, considering he is usually away at this time. But he knows how fast rumors travel at Cang Qiong, even between peaks. Obviously his two most trusted disciples would want to greet their Shizun properly.

"Good morning, Ning Yingying, Ming Fan," Shen Qingqiu nods to each disciple, suppressing a smile. "This master had an unfortunate run-in with some nasty flower, so I'm staying on the peak for a while under your Mu-shishu’s orders."

The disciples’ happy faces immediately turn worried.

"Nasty flower?" Ning Yingying gasps. "Is it dangerous?" Ming Fan asks with a serious expression.

Maybe he shouldn't have told them about it. He regularly gets doused by much more dangerous poisons, so his disciples are long used to it. Still, it doesn't mean they don't worry about him. Even if he hates his current situation, he shouldn't trouble them with it.

"Don't fret, it's nothing dangerous," he waves his fan at them and awkwardly looks away. "More annoying than anything," he mumbles.

"If Shizun says so…" Ning Yingying says with a slightly dubious look, which is absolutely unwarranted. "How long is Shizun planning to stay on the peak?"

"This master will stay until the effects of the flower completely disappear, which according to Mu Qingfan, should be in about ten days." Maybe he should stay a little longer? He probably won't be able to relax with poison making him all weepy. Should he stay for a bit to properly enjoy being at his peak?

"Ah, so Shifu is not leaving," Ming Fan perks up. "Then, could those lowly disciples ask Shifu to help with those sect documents?" Ming Fan asks, with the aforementioned sect document in his and Ning Yingying's hands. Hands that Shen Qingqiu is pretty sure were empty a moment ago…

Shen Qingqiu squints at them. They both are looking at him with twin pleading looks. It seems that Ming Fan decided to take some lessons from his Shimei because his previous attempts at giving puppy eyes couldn't be described as anything other than unsettling. Of course his puppy eyes are not nearly as effective as Ning Yingyin's. However, no one's puppy eyes could ever compare to Luo Binghe’s, naturally, so he is completely unmoved by this pitiful display. Definitely.

Shen Qingqiu just stares at the pair for a moment.

He… He can't just tell them no, can he?

Despite Ming Fan and Ning Yingying being exceptionally good at making sure the peak runs smoothly, it's still his job. He is already absent from Qing Jing Peak half of the time. He can't neglect his duties even more…

However, the idea of letting his disciples into his house makes his whole body tense with nerves. What if he thinks of something stupid and cries? He can't let his disciples see him in tears! Any scraps of his tattered dignity will be entirely gone! Shen Qingiqu imagines his teacher randomly bursting into tears and mentally cringes. No! Too awkward!!!

He is poisoned. Can't he just tell them that he is in quarantine or something? It's a valid reason to turn them away.

As Shen Qingqiu thinks about how to politely tell his disciples to get lost, he takes a look at their faces and… Ah…

No, he can't just tell them no. They both clearly need his help. It would be too irresponsible of him, too shameless. Besides, it's not like he would have any reason to cry. It's a sect business for fuck's sake! The only tears he could cry about it are the tears of boredom.

What could go wrong?

Shen Qingqiu coughs awkwardly and opens the door for them, "Ah, of course. Please come in. Tell this master what's the problem."

As they move through the sect documents, he realizes that… It's… actually not that bad!

Shen Qingqiu is tense at first. However, as conversation keeps going with no problems, he gradually relaxes. What was he even worried about? His husband is lurking somewhere in the house, his disciples are discussing the sect business with him, and his mind is calm. No reason to be emotional at all!

As Ning Yingying gives him a report, Shen Qingqiu can't help but wonder. He thinks about his disciples, and…

Ah, what good disciples he has.

Shen Qingqiu can admit that after transmigrating into his new body, he fucked up a lot of things. However, one of the things he made undeniably better is his disciples. They are smarter, happier, more decent, and much less terrorized by their awful Shizun than their PIDW counterparts. And he can't think of a better example than those two sitting in front of him.

Ning Yingying in PIDW was strange. On the one hand, she was a perfect example of a character that could've had more depth and development but was never expanded on. She stayed as a walking trope with one character trait and was eventually forgotten. But on the other hand, whenever she did reappear later in the novel, her personality was so one-dimensional she somehow managed to be both childishly excitable and absolutely lifeless. Her dialogue was so unrealistic it felt more like she was putting on a bad performance.

Ning Yingying, sitting in front of Shen Qingqiu, couldn't be more different from her novel counterpart. This Ning Yingying is competent at what she does. She is a talented cultivator and a smart young woman. She isn't a naive girl that always unintentionally created problems anymore. And yet despite her newfound maturity, she hasn't lost her spark. She is an adult now, but she is still as optimistic and energetic.

In the great scheme of things, Ming Fan's original fate wasn't the worst one. Hell, it wasn't even one of the top 10 PIDW worst deaths! He was just a mini boss to the big bad, who was Shen Qingqiu. When reading the novel, Shen Yuan cheered every time Luo Bingge's enemies met their demise. And in his head, Ming Fan more than deserves his death. He was a pathetic good-for-nothing bully who could only do what scum villian told him to. He was a typical cannon fodder who had it coming.

Shen Qingiqu doesn't remember when he grew fond of the boy. When he saw Ming Fan as a fictional character, he disliked him for being a stupid bully. When he saw him as a real person, he disliked him for being a suck-up. Now after years of calm life without dead Shifus, wars with demons, and Realm mergings, he has truly blossomed into a decent man. Maybe he is still a bit overly stiff, but his friendship with Ning Yingying has finally started to corrode his facade of a haughty young master. Despite all his flaws, he is a persistent and conscientious man.

Shen Qingqiu never saw them as small children; when he transmigrated, they were already teenagers. However, he thinks he will never be able to stop seeing them as his little ducklings. Ah, to think they are so grown up now. Soon they won't even need their Shizun anymore!

What good disciples I have…

"Shizun…?" Ning Yingying's worried voice tears Shen Qingqiu out of his thoughts. Now that he is paying attention again, he notices that both his disciples are looking at him with horror. What…?

OH NO

Shen Qingqiu finally notices tears running down his face.

FUCK

Seriously?! He started crying because he thought about how proud he is of his disciples?! What is this bullshit?! Is he their mother?! That's what he meant about the sensitivity of this poison. This thing is absolutely unreasonable! Why does it make him cry because of this?! God, this is even more embarrassing than crying about Binghe's congee…

"Shifu, are you…? Can we do… something? What…? What happened?" Ming Fan awkwardly stammers. The man looks utterly lost. Yeah, no shit! What are you even supposed to do in a situation like this?

"Shizun, is this because of the flower? Is it actually dangerous?" Ning Yingying sniffles. Oh no. Oh no no no, this poison did not make him into a sympathetic cryer.

"Please, calm down… I'm really fine… Everything is alright…" Shen Qingqiu tries to insert a word in between his disciples' fretting and his own sobbing. "I'm just… I'm just so proud of you," he says for some reason, and then out of the utter cringeworthiness of the whole situation, he cries harder.

"SHIZUN, ARE YOU DYING?!" Ning Yingying shouts, tears now also streaming down her face. Ming Fan doesn't shout, but his teary eyes say that he has come to the same conclusion.

What is this reaction, hah?! It's like he has never praised them before! It's an embarrassing but absolutely normal thing to say when you are crying!

Shen Qingqiu desperately tries to pull himself together. But with his own embarrassment and weepy disciples, there is too much going on in the room. He is crying harder and harder, with panic and hopelessness about to get added to the mix. Thankfully he doesn't spiral into hysteria.

Luo Binghe runs into the room and in one swift motion grabs Ming Fan and Ning Yingying and drags them by their scruffs out of the house. Shen Qingqiu is finally alone. The utter relief he feels makes him cry even harder. Now with no distractions, he can finally calm himself down. He clears his mind and forces his breathing to even out. He almost doesn't notice his hands shaking. After all this noise the room feels like it's somewhere far away.

Binghe comes back 15 minutes later. Shen Qingqiu has already stopped crying.

"I explained the situation to them," says Luo Binghe, giving Shen Qingqiu a big cup of water. "They said they would return when you feel ready to receive them."

Shen Qingqiu looks at his reflection in the water. God, he looks even more pathetic than he expected. “Do you think they will tell everyone?” he asks quietly.

Luo Binghe blinks, “Tell everyone…?”

“You know how they are, those little gossips,” he traces the edge of the cup with his finger.

“I doubt it,” Binghe answers in a soft voice, “They know some things are more important than gossip.”

Shen Qingqiu hums and finally drinks all the water. It's refreshing.

He doesn't get to rehydrate in peace; as soon as he puts a cup on the table, his mind gets assaulted with the images of what just transpired. Shen Qingqiu feels the psychic damage in his soul. He stops himself from shaking his head; he can't afford to be even more embarrassing. Instead, he puts his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his palms, hunched over in a pose of pure misery.

"I will be staying away from the lessons while the poison is active," he declares.

It was bad to cry with only two disciples present. Crying in front of an entire room of ducklings?

Shen Qingqiu shudders.

Shen Qingqiu spends the next day cooped up in his bamboo house, nursing his wounded pride. It gets boring very fast.

He refuses to leave the safety of his house, so he can't really go anywhere. Usually he could spend time with his husband, but right now he can't keep a 5-minute conversation without bursting into tears from thinking how much he loves him. Embarrassing. He can't do his usual artsy stuff. Playing the guqin, painting, reading poetry—all this makes him too emotional! Even his trashy novels make him weep tears of rage and frustration (he hasn't decided yet if it's embarrassing or not). The only thing left is the driest, most academic literature he has read ten times. Even then he manages to find a reason to cry! Because how could he not cry when reading about Airplane's shitty worldbuilding?! Impossible!

Basically he can't do shit.

Thankfully Shen Qingqiu doesn't have to spend another day being bored, because sect leader decides to pay him a visit.

"Mu-shidi told me what happened," Yue Qingyuan explains as he accepts a cup of tea. "I assumed you wouldn't want to leave your house, so I wanted to see how you are."

Shen Qingqiu sighs dramatically, "Yes, this one can only imagine what would happen if he leaves the house while under the influence of this poison."

Yue Qingyuan pauses, "Poison?" He looks at his Shidi questioningly.

Shen Qingqiu sighs even louder, "Yes, Zhangmen-shixiong, I'm under the influence of a terrible poison."

Yue Qingyuan keeps looking at him in confusion for a couple of seconds. Then his eyes light up with understanding.

"Ah… of course, the poison," he says with a peculiar expression. It's like his face can't decide whether it wants to smile or wince.

Ah, Zhangmen-shixiong, no need to look like you are indulging a child! You know perfectly well if it were you in your Shidi’s place, you would've hated it too.

Despite his dubious look, Yue Qingyuan doesn't say anything, so Shen Qingqiu nods, satisfied with his silence. Then he says more quietly, "This shidi is truly grateful for your visit, Shixiong. I know how busy you are this time of the year, so I really appreciate you coming here." 

Yue Qingyuan's expression blossoms into a proper smile. It's one of his rare sincere smiles—small and slightly crooked, "I will always have spare time to talk to you, Shen-shidi."

They spend the afternoon drinking tea and talking. Mostly they just share news about the Sect and the Demon Realm. It's a safe topic for conversation. Nothing too sentimental or emotion provoking. Just two sect brothers catching up on news, nothing to see here.

There is a certain feeling of indulgence in having the undivided attention of the sect leader. Shen Qingqiu knows better than anyone else that Yue Qingyuan must be swamped in documents and other duties back on Qiong Ding Peak. So having Zhangmen-shixiong leave his own peak just to break his boredom feels like having a cake for no reason. However, Shen Qingqiu is poisoned (basically sick, really), so he refuses to feel any guilt at taking Shixiong's time. He deserves a little bit of indulgence.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't think he has to worry about crying at Yue Qingyuan. His big brotherly aura always had a relaxing and calming effect on him. It's not like Shen Qingqiu has any big feeling about being proud of his Shixiong (or whatever the fuck happened with Ming Fan and Ning Yingying). And despite liking Yue Qingyuan, he doesn't feel that much about him, so he doesn't have to worry about crying out of sheer affection (like with Luo Binghe).

In theory it shouldn't be a problem if Shen Qingqiu cries in front of Yue Qingyuan. Yue Qingyuan is not his student. He is an adult, his senior martial brother who is aware of the poison's nature. He will understand if he cries. Hell, he is probably prepared for the possibility! Shen Qingqiu isn't sure how effective Yue Qingyuan is with crying people, but at least he knows he won't be judged.

"… so in this case we can count on Zhao Hua Temple's help. Although I don't think it would be necessary," Finishes Yue Qingyuan.

"I see," answers Shen Qingqiu. After Zhao Hua Temple took in Tianlang-jun for rehabilitation, the relationship between them and their sect has never been stronger. Speaking of ex-emperors… "What about Tianlang-jun? Do you still keep correspondence?"

"Yes, we do actually,” Yue Qingyuan's mild smile gets brighter. “He has finally convinced me to read one of those books he loves so much."

Shen Qingqiu, familiar with Tianlang-jun’s tastes, hides the grin splitting his face behind his fan, "Oh, and what does Shixiong think of it?" he asks, barely holding back laughter.

"It was… something," he says, and Shen Qingqiu snorts at the look on Yue Qingyuan's face. "Although I started reading more lately."

"Oh really? What have you been reading?"

"I never really had an opportunity to read for leisure. However, I've been reading a lot of poetry lately. I'm very enjoying it. I was thinking maybe Shidi could give his recommendations?"

"Ah, yes, of course. Tell me what kind of poetry you enjoyed the most, Zhangmen-shixiong?"

As Yue Qingyuan starts talking about his favorite works, Shen Qingqiu notices something.

Yue Qingyuan looks… happy.

He realizes he has seen the flashes of it before. There is no more the air of melancholy around him. He looks a bit tired, but it's more like he is tired from hard work and less like he is tired from living. His shoulders don't drop anymore like he is carrying some kind of unliftable burden.

He looks alive.

Shen Qingqiu suddenly realizes that for most of the time he has known Yue Qingyuan, he looked more like a ghost. He realizes that all the time before his second death, before the Maigu Ridge, Yue Qingyuan was more like a restless soul. He realizes that after Maige Ridge, after their lives have settled into a new reality, he has been slowly coming alive.

It's like he has finally… moved on.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't think about the previous inhabitant of his body. At least not anymore. He isn't bound by the OOC-lock, and all the skeletons in the original goods' closet are already dealt with. It's his life, and it's been his for more than a decade.

Still, sometimes he gets an uncomfortable reminder that other people had known 'him', had relationships with 'him' before he became himself. It doesn't happen often, not anymore, but it still leaves a bad taste in his mouth. It's even worse when Yue Qingyuan somehow reminds him of 'their' shared history.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't think about Shen Jiu's past. Why would he? Everything about his past is just so… grim. Being a slave and then killing his masters, being a demonic cultivator, abusing his disciples, and being hated by his martial siblings. All this paints such a bleak picture… Shen Qingqiu believes  it would be better to bury those memories with the man they belonged to.

However, against all this darkness, Shen Jiu's relationship with Yue Qingyuan seemed so… light in comparison. They were two people who used to be dear to each other and then were first forced apart by circumstances beyond their control and then couldn't reconcile because of misunderstandings and an inability to communicate. Their story wasn't some grim, dark, hurt/no comfort torture porn. It was just sad.

However, the biggest tragedy, in Shen Qingqiu's mind, was the fact that Yue Qingyuan never explained why he couldn't come back to the person who actually needed it. Now, Shen Qingqiu never felt any guilt from taking the place of the scum villian. He never chose any of this, and he won't apologize for trying to survive.

He doesn't feel guilty about lying to Yue Qingyuan either. He will never tell him who he actually is. But even if he could tell him, he would've kept his silence anyway. Why would he say anything when Yue Qingyuan finally looks like a person? When it seems like he is starting to move on from his guilt and grief? When he has finally left that burden that weighed on him for decades? This is the happiest ending Yue Qingyuan could've gotten considering the circumstances. How can Shen Qingqiu take it away from him? And for what? For the truth?

Still, Shen Qingqiu can't deny the tragedy of the situation. Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua are the only people who know that Shen Jiu is gone. Yue Qingyuan will never learn that his special person is dead. He never got to explain why he didn't come back. Nothing can be done about it.

God, it all is so…

This story is just so sad.

"Shen-shidi?" Yue Qingyuan's concerned voice tears Shen Qingqiu out of his thoughts. "Is everything all right?"

Shen Qingqiu suddenly becomes aware of tears running down his cheeks. His blood gets cold.

Shit,  this is actually dangerous. Crying from thinking about being a transmigrator? It's like he is begging to be found out. With fear comes anger. Out of all the reasons to cry, he cries because of that?!

Shen Qingqiu hastily empties his thoughts like there is a chance that Yue Qingyuan can somehow look into his mind and see all his secrets. He coughs awkwardly, "Ah- Apologies, Zhangmen-shixiong," he says, averting his gaze. "Please ignore this one. All this talk about great poetry… It could bring a man to tears even without the effect of poison. Everything is fine."

"Are you sure, Shidi? Maybe I could do something for you?" asks Yue Qingyuan with worry audible in his voice. Ah, Zhangmen-shixiong, sometimes you worry too much! Shen Qingqiu has already stopped crying, see? The shot of adrenaline forced any stupid thoughts about scum villains and tragedies out of his head.

Shen Qingqui takes a deep breath and finally turns his face to look at Yue Qingyuan. His martial brother noticeably relaxes when he sees no tears in his Shidi's eyes. He didn't do anything stupid while Shen Qingqiu wasn't looking, which is a relief.

Ah, Shen Qingqiu knew he could count on his older bro to not make it all weird! Although, he would really appreciate it if Yue Qingyuan stopped looking at him with those big worried eyes. It doesn't make anyone feel better. Plus, it just serves as a reminder that he only cares about him because he thinks he is Shen Jiu.

Wait, what…?

Shen Qingqiu has no time to think about where that thought came from before tears fly out of his eyes like from garden sprinklers.

Yue Qingyuan almost jumps from this extreme reaction, "Shidi?! Are you sure there is nothing I can do for you?" He raises his hands like he wants to touch Shen Qingqiu but can't without his permission, so they just twitch uselessly in the air.

Shen Qingqiu, meanwhile, tries not to shit himself. Stop crying, God damn it! Since when do you care about it?! Zhangmen-shixiong, please don't ask why I am crying.

"Should I bring your husband…?" Yue Qingyuan asks carefully. Which is, wow, Shen Qingqiu must really look pitiful like this.

Shen Qingqiu shakes his head, splashing his tears everywhere, "Ah… No need. Please, this one is fine. No need to worry-" He tries to say. However, before he has time to finish his sentence, he looks again at Yue Qingyuan in the eyes. They are filled with concern and pity, and worry, and compassion, and something else that Shen Qingqiu has no courage to name. Looking in those eyes fills him with one thought: this love isn't meant for you.

Shen Qingqiu doubles over like someone punched him in the stomach. He tries to say something, but when he opens his mouth, he lets out a wretched sob. His body starts shaking. He isn't sure why. Is it from the fear of Yue Qingyuan finding out why he is crying? Is it from the humiliation of being seen like this? Is it just a reaction to poison? He isn't sure. All he knows is that he can't stop it.

He tries to ground himself, to come back to reality, to calm down. But as he tries to take in his surroundings, he realizes that he can't. Everything is just so much: he can't see behind his tears, he can't hear behind his sobs, all he smells is salt, and all he feels is his clothes sticking to his sweaty skin. It's like he is stuck in his own head.

He feels a hand on his shoulders. The touch is careful and light. Too light. It gives a nasty ticklish sensation, making him recoil. The hand disappears so fast, like it has never been there.

For a long, torturous moment, Shen Qingqiu is all alone.

Before he spirals completely out of control, he feels gentle but firm hands holding his face. Those same hands carefully tip his head to look up, making Shen Qingqiu meet black eyes filled with worry and compassion. Except… this time this dark gaze doesn't assault his mind with the sense of wrongness. He melts in those hands, relishing in the feeling of rightness, knowing that those eyes are definitely meant for him.

"…and breathe out. Breathe in again… And breathe out, just like you taught me." Luo Binghe's voice is low and comforting, like the purring of a big cat.

As Shen Qingqiu does his breathing exercises, he slowly comes back to his body. His eyes are mostly dry, and he has stopped sobbing. Luo Binghe is holding his face in his hands. The touch is grounding without being suffocating.

With the awareness of his limbs comes back the awareness of passage of time. How long has he sat there trying to calm down? Shen Qingqiu looks around the room and notices Yue Qingyuan standing behind Luo Binghe, hovering awkwardly, not knowing what to do to himself. Ah, he is such a bad host. Forcing poor Zhangmen-shixiong to witness such a pitiful scene. Shen Qingqiu locks his eyes with the sect leader and tries to put on a reassuring smile. Yue Qingyuan blinks and smiles back.

It would've been a nice smile if not for the look in Yue Qingyuan's eyes. Shen Qingqiu recognizes this look. No wonder; he has seen this look every time he came back to the Cang Qiong mountain in the early years after leaving with Luo Binghe. He has seen this look from his martial siblings and hallmasters and even his own disciples. 'What is so special about him?' said this look. 'Are we not enough for you?'

Shen Qingqiu understands the reasons for other people to look at him that way. From their point of view a big scary demon emperor has stolen a whole-ass peak lord, forcing him to divide his attention between demonic and cultivation realms. Coming from Yue Qingyuan, this look has another meaning. 'How could it be that another person now knows you better than I do?'

How tragic it is that he will never know what happened.

Shen Qingqiu realizes too late that looking Yue Qingyuan right in the eyes is a bad idea. During this disastrous afternoon he has cried every time he has looked at Zhangmen-shixiong, and this time is no exception. Shen Qingqiu realizes too late that he has fucked up. Because in this exact moment Yue Qingyuan realizes the same thing.

It's like watching a heartbreak in slow motion. First, Yue Qingyuan confusedly watches a small tear sliding down his Shidi's cheek. Then, the realization. Confusion, shock, and guilt run across his face so fast Shen Qingqiu barely manages to catch them before his expression settles in on sadness.

"T-thank you for having me, Shen-shidi," he says stiffly. “I will leave you be,” and he leaves the bamboo house.

Has… Has he just undone all Shixiong's progress?

"Husband," Luo Binghe forces Shen Qingqiu's attention back to himself. "Do you want to…" He starts and then trails off, like he is unsure how to finish his question.

Suddenly Shen Qingqiu feels very tired. He leans forward and falls into his husband's embrace.

"No," he says. He doesn't want anything right now.

Shen Qingqiu spends the rest of the day in a daze. He thought nothing would beat crying on disciples. He was wrong. He was very wrong. Every time he remembers this disastrous meeting with Yue Qingyuan, he cries. From guilt or humiliation, he isn't sure.

Luo Binghe tries to comfort him. He hugs him and pets his back and talks to him in a quiet voice and gives him water and doesn't act like Shen Qingqiu has grown a second head every time he cries. It works. Of course it works. However, even Protagonist's words of comfort can't heal his wounded pride.

The next day Shen Qingqiu gathers his courage to leave his bamboo house. He doesn't gather enough to go to any crowded area. Instead, he decides to venture into the bamboo forest. There are plenty of secluded places that almost no disciple ever visits.

Luo Binghe insists on accompanying him. Shen Qingqiu protests at first, but then he is forced to agree that having his husband near him would be for the better. It doesn't make him any less embarrassed, though. Who is he?! An adult man or a trembling maiden incapable of taking a single step without her husband?! What a shame.

For a while they spend a good time just walking and talking. The morning is perfect for a walk. The weather is not too cool and not too warm. The sun warms his skin. The air is fresh and isn't permeated with the smell of salt and misery. Now, Shen Qingqiu loves his little bamboo house. But being cooped up inside for days while not being able to leave would turn any place suffocating. By the time they arrive at the point of destination he has started crying out of sheer relief of finally being outside.

The place they have chosen is a small pond. There are several water bodies on Qing Jing Peak, and this one is particularly unpopular. As they step into a clearing, Shen Qingqiu starts crying harder. His tears run like small waterfalls down his cheeks in an unstoppable stream. Which is… well… embarrassing. However, Shen Qingqiu by now has accepted the fact that this poison will destroy any dignity he had left. He almost doesn't even squirm from shame.

Everything is fine, at first. Shen Qingqiu looks around the pond and tries to act like a normal person. He silently contemplates what they should do. Should they just sit there and enjoy the scenery? Or maybe he can paint the pond? Although, the weather is so nice for Guqin…

His musings are interrupted by the unexpected loud squeak, like someone stepped on a mouse.

Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe slowly turn their heads to the noise.

There, out of thin air, appears one of Shen Qingqiu's older disciples. She is frozen in an unnatural pose, staring at Shen Qingqiu's face with the expression of pure horror.

"Ah, Zhao Jiahui, I see you have improved your disappearing technique. We almost haven't noticed you," Shen Qingqiu states with feigned cheer. It's belied by the fact that liquid pours down his face with such a force he can feel his body getting dehydrated in real time.

Zhao Jiahui doesn't say anything for the moment. She just keeps shifting her gaze from her crying Shizun to murderous Luo Binghe. Shen Qingqiu can't see the expression his husband is making, but he can feel the waves of malicious demonic qi radiating from him in waves.

"Is that how you greet your Shizun?" Luo Binghe asks in a low, dangerous voice.

This breaks Zhao Jiahui out of her stupor. She jumps in place, then straightens her body into a perfect line, and finally bows so low she almost folds herself in half.

"Greetings, Shizun! Thanking for the praise, Shizun! This one needs to go, Shizun!" She declares robotically and then runs away.

The scene would've been comedic if it wasn't so utterly humiliating.

"...There is no chance she isn't telling everyone about it." 

If they didn't know about his situation from Ming Fan and Ning Yingying, now everyone would know about it.

"…I can catch her before she goes too far," Luo Binghe offers uncertainly.

Shen Qingqiu just shakes his head, "Let's go home. I'm not in the mood for walks anymore."

After this incident, Shen Qingqiu decides that he has had enough. He is done giving this world opportunities to humiliate him. No more visitors, no more trying to leave his house! He is going to wait until the poison leaves his system, and he is going to do absolutely nothing during this time. It has already been five days. A half! One more to go and he will be free! How hard could it be? He is an adult man, not a toddler in need of constant stimulation. He can handle five days of boredom. He is a cultivator, for fuck's sake! He meditates in his spare time! Isn't it literally the same thing?

However, he knows that it isn't true. Every cultivator knows perfectly well that meditation and 'doing nothing' are not the same thing. Cultivators can spend centuries meditating. Shen Qingqiu is already going crazy from not being able to do anything for less than a week.

Shen Qingqiu actually tries to meditate. Mu Qingman didn't outright forbid it, but he did strongly discourage Shen Qingqiu from trying. Shen Qingqiu can't understand how meditation can possibly harm him.

He finds out the reason when he decides to meditate a bit. He gets woken up by panicked Luo Binghe in about half an hour. The first thing Shen Qingqiu feels when he comes back to his senses is a splitting headache and wetness. His entire front is soaked in tears. Because apparently when he goes into a meditative state, he begins leaking tears like a broken faucet, bringing the real threat of dehydration if left in this state for long. It would've been nice to know about it beforehand, Mu Qingfan…

Shen Qingqiu doesn't try to meditate after that.

He spends the rest of his day wanting to die. He has already come to terms with the fact that he is going to cry no matter what he does. However, he doesn't take into account what his body is thinking about all of this. And it seems that his body didn't like 30 minutes of continuous crying. So when Shen Qingqui starts to feel the first prickle of the tears, he doesn't expect to have his head split by what feels like lightning. Which doesn't help this situation considering it forces him to cry even harder from pain.

He ends up begging his husband to knock him out with his dream powers.

Needless to say, they go to bed early.

The next day Shen Qingqiu, still traumatized after the events of the last day, decides that it's time to go to his plan—do nothing!

He is going to just… sit… and look out of the window… and think… about life…

It sounds unbearably boring, but at least there is no way this would make him cry, right?

(You already know the answer to that question.)

It starts, as many things do, innocently enough. Shen Qingqiu even enjoys it a little. He is not the type of person to sit around and contemplate his life. However, this turns out to be a surprisingly engaging activity! Why doesn't he do that more often?

He is reminded why when his musings spiral completely out of control. He ends up crying so hard that Binghe has to intervene and spends the rest of the morning comforting him.

And this is why he doesn't think about his life.

Defeated and demoralized, Shen Qingqiu decides that he is done for today. He is going to sleep for the rest of the day!

"While I'm sleeping, you should go somewhere. Take a walk, talk to people, unwind," says Shen Qingqiu to his husband. "You must be tired of being stuck here in the house with me."

The stubborn pout on Luo Binghe's face is familiar; however there is a hint of some kind of serious expression Shen Qingqiu can't quite recognize, "Husband shouldn't worry. This one will gladly spend the rest of his life with only Shizun as company. This one doesn't need to 'talk to people'."

The intonation with which he says 'talk to people' makes Shen Qingqiu snort. Ah, this silly child. His hand automatically goes to pat his head. For all his skills as a leader and abilities to read other people, sometimes his Binghe is hilariously antisocial.

"This one knows Binghe doesn't need other people. But I also know that you have a lot of energy. Binghe, I just want you to take a break from being indoors. I'm going to sleep anyway, so you don't have to worry about me needing you. And if I wake up before you come back, it's not like this master is a complete invalid in need of constant surveillance! Binghe, please." Shen Qingqiu says with his best 'I worry about you' expression. After all, his Binghe is just like a dog, in more meanings than one. He needs activities, he needs sunlight, and he needs walkies! He will definitely get sick if he is stuck in this house with his miserable Shizun for too long!

"Alright," says Luo Binghe.

"I understand, but you sho-…. Wait, really?" Shen Qingqiu asks, slightly dumbfounded. He hadn't expected he would agree that fast! He thought he would have to persuade him for at least 10 more minutes.

Luo Binghe nods. His expression is weirdly determined and almost… excited, "If husband thinks this one should go outside for a while, he will listen to your opinion. Are you sure you will be alright while I'm gone?"

"I'm-… Yes, of course!.. I- This master will be fine," stammers Shen Qingqiu, still processing the fact that Luo Binghe agreed to leave him alone.

"Well then…" he says, and stands up. Wait, is he going now?! "Husband, do you need this one to put you to sleep with dream powers?" He asks over his shoulder.

"I- No, thank you, Binghe. This one would prefer to fall asleep on his own."

Luo Binghe nods, "Alright. I will be back soon." He says and Shen Qingiqu watches as he almost runs out of their bamboo house.

This was weird behavior, Shen Qingqiu thinks. Then he dismisses the thought immediately. There was nothing unusual about that. Of course he would run. Everyone would run to get away from a miserable old man who can't stop crying. Luo Binghe is a person after all. It all must be tiring for him.

With that thought out of the way, Shen Qingqiu goes to sleep in hopes he will sleep away the last five days.

(If he cries himself to sleep, this is none of anyone's business.)

Shen Qingqiu wakes up groggy. Did he sleep too much? Why is it even a problem for a cultivator of his caliber?!

"Husband?" Shen Qingqiu hears and turns his head to see a slightly surprised Luo Binghe. He is lying on the bed next to him with a book on his lap. He is so close they are almost touching.

"How long was I asleep?" Shen Qingqiu asks. He feels like he was sleeping for at least several days. Is there a chance the poison is gone already?…

"Husband was asleep for less than one shichen."

What! That's barely a nap! What the hell?! Wait…

"When did you return?" Shen Qingqiu examines Luo Binghe. He obviously hasn't returned just recently. He must have been gone for less than two hours. More likely less than one hour, really. "I thought you had business?"

"What business?" he asks with an obviously fake innocent expression. Shen Qingqiu squints at him. Luo Binghe lowers his eyes, "This one has finished everything he needed and came back."

"Didn't this master tell you to take a walk?"

"This one walked plenty," Luo Binghe grumbles under his breath. Huh. "However, I came back as soon as I could. I didn't want to leave Shizun alone."

Shen Qingqiu's voice trembles slightly when he answers, "I see."

There is absolutely nothing unusual in the fact that he cries now. He has been crying every time his husband says something sappy for almost a week now; they are already past that. And if he cries a little harder than he usually does in this situation, Luo Binghe doesn't comment on it.

The rest of the day goes by with nothing notable. It all goes down in the evening.

They have just finished their dinner. Shen Qingqiu is thinking about how to grill his husband about where he went today when he hears a familiar voice behind his door.

"Shen Qingqiu!"

Oh dear…

"I think we should open it before we have to fix our broken door again," says Binghe.

Shen Qingqiu hesitates.

He hasn't seen Liu Qingge for so long! They don't talk as much as they used to. Usually he would've been very happy to catch up with him.

However, usually Shen Qingqiu isn't poisoned by some bullshit buttercup that makes him cry!

Liu-shidi, you have chosen a horrible time for a visit!

Luo Binghe catches every nervous microexpression that flashes on his husband's face. "You… don't want to see Liu Qingge?" he asks slowly.

Shen Qingqiu purses his lips. It's not that he doesn't want to see him. He just can't see him when he is like that! Liu-shidi is famously bad with crying people. He can't see his tears. He is going to be so uncomfortable. And Shen Qingqiu will certainly die from embarrassment! This will be even worse than his meeting with Yue Qingyuan!

"I can tell him to go away," whispers Luo Binghe into Shen Qingqiu's ear. Another series of loud thuds interrupts them.

"SHEN QINGQIU!"

"No, I will tell him," Shen Qingqiu rises to his feet, and in one hasty movement reaches the door.

He will tell him it's not a good time. He will tell him they are going to sleep. He will tell him…

"Hello, Shidi!" With a fake cheer, he drags the syllables. "I'm so happy to see you, really, but I'm afraid I'm kind of busy at the mo-"

"Here."

Shen Qingqiu's wild ramblings are interrupted by Liu Qingge rather rudely shoving something into his arms. Oh god, did he bring another dead beast?

The thing in Shen Qingqiu's hands is surprisingly small, fitting neatly in his palms. It's also weirdly warm for a carcass. And also… moving? Is it an alive beast then? But what is it? Shen Qingqiu can't quite make it out. All he sees is green fur and…

Wait.

"IS THAT A MOSSY FENNEC SUGAR GLIDER?!" Shen Qingqiu shouts, forgetting all his manners. How can he remember them when he sees something so… Cute.

Now, it's important to note that Shen Qingqiu never was the one to go insane over some cute animals. He finds beasts much more fascinating: dangerous and deadly, they inspire both fear and respect. Cute animals comparatively always seemed somewhat underwhelming. That is to say, it doesn't mean that Shen Qingqiu has no heart. Even he, from time to time, would coo over some baby animal. Nothing too weird about that. And there is definitely nothing weird about finding the personification of adorableness cute.

The Mossy Fennec Sugar Glider looks like a regular sugar glider but with big ears. The fur on its back is green, making it look like a little patch of moss. Big wet eyes, a delicate pink nose, a long fluffy tail, giant ears, nimble paws, and amazingly soft and thick fur made the little creature the most adorable animal Shen Qingqiu had ever seen.

In Proud Immortal Demon Way, the Mossy Fennec Sugar Glider was introduced as a gift for one of Luo Bingge's wives. The wife №78 was an animal lover, so to win her heart, he gave her one as a pet. They were described as harmless and easy to care for. Enough to not be a bother but also pretty rare to have an air of prestige. However, as Shen Yuan, Shen Qingqiu criticized that plot point. The animals in PIDW were all deadly and dangerous, always forcing Luo Bingge to fight to survive. And yet when he needed to present something to his wife, he pulled right out of his ass this creature that looked and behaved more like a stuffed toy than a beast belonging to the world of PIDW. How cheap.

As it always does, the real deal is much more interesting. Shen Qingqiu has read about them but never seen one in real life before. In his excitement he forgets that he was going to tell Liu Qingge to get lost. When he remembers his initial plan, he finally notices that he was herded inside the house, sat down at the table, and has been giving a small lecture about the ecological niche of Mossy Fennec Sugar Gliders for the last 15 minutes. Oops…

"…So how was your day, Shidi?" Shen Qingqiu trying to sound casual.

Liu Qingge snorts. Rude! Can't you save your Shixiong’s face? How unfilial.

"I heard you were sick," he says, turning his face away from Shen Qingqiu, his ears red for some reason.

'Sick,' huh? He certainly hadn't heard it from Mu Qingfang or Yue Qingyuan. As far as they are concerned, Shen Qingqiu is going through a 'soul cleansing' process, which is a good thing from their point of view, so they wouldn't say he is 'sick.' Where did you hear he was sick, Shidi?

Shen Qingqiu squints at Liu Qingge, who seems to feel his gaze because his whole face turns red.

As he drills holes in his Shidi's skull, Shen Qingqiu notices some details he hasn't paid attention to before. Liu Qingge has a cup of tea served to him; Luo Binghe suggested letting him in and hasn't complained about having their evening interrupted. And now he is sitting at Shen Qingqiu's side looking all cute and innocent instead of glaring daggers at his least favorite Shishu. When Shen Qingqiu turns his head to squint at him, he somehow looks cuter and more innocent.

Well, minus one mystery. Usually he wouldn't have appreciated his husband and Shidi conspiring behind his back, but he can forgive them this time. They are always at each other's throats, so it's nice to have them work together for once. Maybe it will be the first step to improving their relations? As a positive reinforcement, Shen Qingqiu gives his husband a head pat. He finally breaks this awkward silence.

"I see. So where did Liu-shidi find the Mossy Fennec Sugar Glider?" Shen Qingqiu asks, gently scratching the head of the animal.

Liu Qingge almost gratefully begins telling him how he found the small colony during his night hunt a few months ago.

The conversation flows naturally. Shen Qingqiu tells some stories from his time in the demonic realm. Liu Qingge talks more about his night hunts. His Shidi isn't the most talkative person; however, it doesn't mean he can't tell an interesting story.

While they talk, Shen Qingqiu keeps playing with the sugar glider. The thing sits comfortably in his hand, not making a fuss. The ticklish feeling of its paws against his palm and its wet nose sniffing his finger makes him almost giddy. The thick fur feels so soft it's almost criminal. He almost squeals when it starts licking his fingers. The emotion inside him keeps bubbling until he feels the first tear running down his face.

Liu Qingge, who before this moment was talking, falters. When he resumes, his voice sounds noticeably strained.

Ah, Shen Qingqiu just started to enjoy this evening.

He knew it would be like that. When they used to go on night hunts together, he and Liu Qingge had seen each other in all kinds of messy situations. They had seen each other soaking wet in water, slime, and blood. They had their robes torn off in front of each other. They both saw each other fall victim to unfortunate effects of various flora and fauna. But being emotional in front of each other? Crying in front of each other? No, that's too much. Liu Qingge always was terrible with emotions. And while Shen Qingqiu was somewhat better, he believes he will combust if he ever sees his stoic Shidi cry.

It's a familiar cycle at this point. Shen Qingqiu gets comfortable. He lets his guard down. He feels a 'strong' emotion. He cries. He gets angry.

Of course he would be angry. How could he not be? That damn flower has been ruining everything that he enjoys. He can't do anything. He can't even talk to his favorite Shidi. Look at him, Shen Qingqiu has made him uncomfortable! He must feel so awkward right now. How embarrassing.

Shen Qingqiu clears his throat, "So, Shidi. You haven't told me how you brought the sugar glider here," he says in an attempt to get the conversation back on track. "The mission was months ago, and the place where you found them is pretty far away. Did you bring one with you, or…?"

Liu Qingge actually smiles.

"It's all Liu Mingyan," he says with pride. "I told her about the place where I found the beasts. She isn't very interested in animals herself. However, she told her Shimeis about it, and they decided they are going to raise them on Xian Zhu. She researched how to care about them and helped to sneak them into the Peak. Qi Qingqi doesn't know."

This makes Shen Qingqiu snort. Liu Qingge looks very pleased. It's amazing to watch how the scary Bai Zhan War God transforms when talking about his family. There is always so much pride, so much love for his younger sister. It always makes Shen Qingqiu's heart squeeze.

"That's nice, Shidi. I miss my sister," Shen Qingqiu says in a wistful voice.

Liu Qingge looks confused, "What sister?"

He doesn't have time to ask something else, because Shen Qingqiu puts the sugar glider into the arms of equally confused Binghe and then starts wailing. He hides his face in his palms, leaning on his elbows. His sobs shake his whole frame. For a second both men can just stare dumbfounded.

Lou Binghe is the first one to come to his senses. He passes the animal into Liu Qingge's hands and gathers his husband into his arms. At this point he has learned all the tricks to comfort Shen Qingqiu. He has never seen his cries get this bad, though. Luo Binghe locks his eyes with panicked Liu Qingge. He looks so alarmed at the sight of bawling Shen Qingqiu. Luo Binghe would've laughed if it was any other situation.

When Liu Qingge notices Luo Binghe looking, he mouths at him, 'What sister?'.

Luo Binghe glares at him. 'Is that what you are thinking right now?!'

Liu Qingge has the decency to look chastised.

Luo Binghe rocks his husband, shushes him, and gently pats his back while Liu Qingge holds a squirming animal in his hands, not knowing what to do. After a few agonizing minutes, he finally quietly asks, "Should I leave?"

While his husband can't see anything behind his heartbroken cries, Luo Binghe allows himself to take a deep, tired breath. For a moment he just sits with closed eyes, rocking himself and Shen Qingqiu in equal measures.

"It would be for the best."

When Shen Qingqiu finally calms down, Luo Binghe hesitantly asks him. "Does… Does husband want to see Qi Qingqi?" he says, like he can't believe his own words.

Shen Qingqiu stares at him incomprehensibly, "Qi Qingqi?"

"Your martial sister?"

Shen Qingqiu stares into space for a few moments. Then he spirals into another crying fit.

The next time he calms down, Luo Binghe doesn't say anything.

"So you have fallen victim to a wife plot again, huh? Man, you are truly unlucky, bro."

Shen Qingqiu doesn't say anything and gives Shang Qinghua a venomous glare.

Liu Qingge's visit was a final nail in the coffin that made both Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe agree to bring no more people to the bamboo house.

What followed were two miserable days. Shen Qingqiu would try to do something. He would cry. He would curse Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup in his mind. He would move on to do something else. He would cry again. The cycle continued with short food breaks before it was time to go to bed.

It was slow. Shen Qingqiu could feel each passing minute slowly dragging its way. Each hour felt like a day. The days stretched into eternity.

It sucked.

Maybe that's why it took such a short time to make him change his mind about having visitors. Or maybe it was the matter of who was going to visit him. It doesn't really matter why. What's important is that on the morning of the ninth day, when Binghe said that Shang Qinghua is currently at the sect, Shen Qingqiu knew he wanted to see him.

"You know, I kinda expected you would immediately start screaming at me. It's not that one flower that makes you mute, is it?" says Shang Qinghua, slumping onto his place in the most undignified manner. He probably wouldn't be so cocky if Binghe were here, but Shen Qingqiu has kicked him out of the room despite his protests.

Surprisingly, it is the first time in nine days when Shen Qingqiu doesn't dread the oncoming interaction with anyone besides his husband. Which isn't surprising considering that they are the only two people in this world he can show his real emotions to. Luo Binghe is his husband, and Shang Qinghua 'knew' him before he became Shen Qingqiu. What's the point of trying to save his face in front of a man who has already seen him at his worst?

"Unfortunately for you, I'm not mute. Also, it wasn't a flower that makes you mute. It was a cursed box that stole people's voices."

"Was it?" Shang Qinghua makes a face. "Nah, don't remember. Anyway, what happened, and why aren't you shouting at me?" He eagerly leans forward, eager to hear some hot gossip.

"I'm not shouting at you, because the thing that poisoned me wasn't a part of PIDW, so for once this wife plot isn't actually your fault," explains Shen Qingqiu. Then a thought occurs to him, "Unless System took something out of your drafts and put it in this world. Does the name Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup ring any bells?" he squints at Shang Qinghua.

"Ehhh… No, I can't remember anything like that. Could you tell me what it does? Maybe it will remind me."

"It repairs damaged cultivation and gets rid of heart demons by making afflicted people cry," Shen Qingqiu explains, and he doesn't get embarrassed because this is a serious matter and he is an adult.

"What? Repairs damaged cultivation and gets rid of heart demons? Sounds too OP. That thing would've defeated harems' purpose. Wait." Shen Qingqiu can see the exact moment when Shang Qinghua fully processes the flower's description by the mischievous spark suddenly appearing in his eyes. "Bro, is that a crybaby curse? Did that flower turn you into a crybaby?" He asks with barely contained glee.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't squirm from embarrassment.

"Just so you know, this flower is apparently very rare, and Mu Qingfang said it's an honor to receive its cleansing," he huffs and crosses his arms defiantly.

"Well, do you feel blessed, bro?"

Shen Qingqiu lets his silence speak for itself.

"If it makes you feel better, it certainly wasn't me who came up with that flower," Shang Qinghua sighs. "I mean, I wrote a lot of whump,  but crying poison wouldn't have fit in with the rest of the novel. The readers wouldn't have liked that," he makes an undefined gesture with his hand.

"That's exactly what I thought!" Shen Qingqiu throws up his hands.

"Aww, you know my writing so well, bro. Anyway, can you tell me more about the flower?"

Shen Qingqiu retells Mu Qingfang's explanation of the flower's properties.

"It doesn't sound that bad…"

Shen Qingqiu tells Shang Qinghua what he had to experience in the last 9 days.

"Bro! That thing forced you to cry when looking into Zhangmen-shixiong's eyes?! Bro, that's vile," screams Shang Qinghua through his hysterical laughter. "This thing is brutal."

"At least tomorrow will be the last day when I have to suffer the effects of the poison," says Shen Qingqiu. He sees no reason to keep his face before Airplane, so he lets himself spread out his upper half on the table.

"Aw, come on bro, stop being so pissy about it. It's been 9 days, not 9 months," Shang Qinghua pokes Shen Qingqiu's head with his own fan. "You are going to have an improved cultivation and no heart demons. Stop being a baby, Cucumber-bro, 10 days of humiliation is not that big of a price."

This forces Shen Qingqiu to spring up from the table. He tears his fan out of Shang Qinghua's hands, "That's the exact problem!" he yells in rage, pointing his fan at Airplane's face, forcing him to cross his eyes. "I don't want my cultivation improved or my heart demons gone, or any other so-called 'benefits' this godforsaken flower can give me!"

Shang Qinghua is not looking at the fan anymore. Instead, he is looking at Shen Qingqiu's face. Automatically Shen Qingqiu wipes his face. He isn't surprised to feel wetness. How annoying.

In the final fit of despair, Shen Qingqiu lets out, "I don't want any of this!" and then slumps back to the table, hiding his head in his folded arms. His outcry ringing through the room like a desperate prayer of a damned man. It certainly doesn't sound like the whining of a baby.

"Ri-ight," Shang Qinghua draws out awkwardly. "Do you want to tell me what caused all of that?"

"I already told you. I don't want this flower’s benefits," grumbles Shen Qingqiu, not leaving the comfort of his hands.

Shang Qinghua stares at him for a moment. He opens his mouth as if to say something but then seemingly changes his mind and closes it. They sit in silence for several seconds.

"No, you know what? I'm asking! What the fuck do you mean?" Shang Qinghua, unable to contain his curiosity, explodes. "We are cultivators! Our whole shtick is that we want to advance our cultivation and achieve peace of mind, a.k.a. no heart demons. What do you mean you don't want any of that?" he asks in astonishment.

Shen Qingqiu sighs heavily, "It's not that I don't want improved cultivation or 'peace of mind.'" He puts his head on his folded arms. He is still lying on the table, but at least his face is visible. Despite his even voice, his eyes are leaking a steady stream of tears, and his eyebrows are knitted in distress. "It's just I-. I don't want my soul cleansed," he finally admits.

Shang Qinghua again stares at him for a moment. He makes a contemplative face and scrunches his eyebrows like he is thinking of something very hard.

"No, I still don't understand," he shakes his head in defeat. Then he looks at his friend. His next words sound almost tentative, like he is choosing very carefully what to say, "Bro, I'm not trying to start a fight or something. I'm just genuinely confused."

Shen Qingqiu sighs even more heavily and finally raises his head from the table. "I wouldn't have protested if the flower just gave me cultivation power-up without this cleansing bullshit. Hell, maybe someday I could've agreed to go through the whole process, tears and all that, by my own volition. If I were given a choice! But it wasn't my choice! It was an accident! And now I'm basically forced to go through the whole thing without the ability to opt out! It isn't supposed to be like this! It feels so…" Shen Qingqiu makes a short pause. He puts his arms around himself unconsciously, "…violating."

Shang Qinghua stares at Shen Qingqiu almost in disbelief, "Damn, bro. I think you're the first person to feel violated by a flower that isn't sex-related. Cucumber-bro, that thing just makes you cry. Don't you think you are being a little bit dramatic?"

For a moment there is silence. Then he sighs for the final time, "Can we talk about something different? What are you doing on your peak anyway? You're supposed to be in the Northern Kingdom."

With that, the topic of Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup is dropped. Shen Qingqiu sees no reason to come back to it. Because Shang Qinghua doesn't understand and Shen Qingqiu can't explain. Hell, Shen Qingqiu can't explain to himself what's so horrible about soul cleansing.

He can say that the flower basically put his whole life on pause. He literally cannot do anything without crying. He humiliated himself in front of his disciples, he upset Yue Qingyuan, and he made Liu Qingge uncontrollable. He is forcing his husband to be a glorified nurse for himself! Isn't it supposed to be enough to be mad?

Not enough apparently, because people do act like he is being unreasonable. Mu Qingfang, Yue Qingyuan and Shang Qinghua all act the same: like his reaction is not unexpected but is overblown. It's just a little bit of tears, Shen-shixiong. No one is judging you, Shen-shidi. Is your face really that thin, Cucumber-bro? But how can he explain that soul cleansing is not just a little bit of tears?

Mu Qingfang said that tears caused by the buttercup are physiological, not emotional. He said it would feel like a liquid running down his cheeks when he experiences certain emotions. He said that the flower doesn't amplify emotions. He said that all the records showed that soul cleansing didn't cause distress.

After more than a week of living through soul cleansing, Shen Qingqiu can confidently say that Mu Qingfang’s records are false. Doesn't cause distress? Distress is all he felt in the last 9 days! Doesn't amplify emotions? As if he hasn't been going around and crying about things that never mattered to him. It feels like a liquid running down his face?

It doesn't feel like a liquid running down his face. Sure, sometimes he doesn't even notice when he cries. Other times? Other times it feels like his whole soul is being turned inside out. Other times he can't breathe under the onslaught of overwhelming emotions. Other times it feels like his old wounds are being reopened again. It feels like the most hidden places are being exposed. It feels too intimate. It feels like something deep inside him is changing. How can he explain that he doesn't want his soul cleansed? Not right here. Not right now. Not when he is surrounded by people. Not when he is not ready.

It does feel violating to have his feelings being exposed like that. It does feel violating to go through this process before he is ready. It does feel violating to have some flower doing something with his soul without his permission while everyone else says that he should be grateful. Because he doesn't want any of it. He doesn't want to feel that way. He isn't ready to confront his emotions. He doesn't want to wake up and find pieces of him missing because some flower decided to give him a ‘blessing’ and banish his heart demons. 

He doesn't know how to explain all that without sounding like a huge baby. So he doesn't say anything.

Shen Qingqiu spends the rest of the afternoon chatting with Airplane. He cries a few times, but it never devolves into full hysterics.

Shang Qinghua decides it's time to leave when, at some point, Luo Binghe checks in on them and finds them both crying: Shang Qinghua from wanting to see Cucumber-bro’s sympathetic tears and Shen Qingqiu from rage.

Despite everything, Shen Qingqiu can say that the day wasn't that bad. He managed to hold an entire conversation without turning it into a disaster. With that thought he goes to sleep, thinking that the next day will be the last before it's all over.

Shen Qingqiu spends the tenth day in the perpetual state of anxiety.

He hoped that with time the sensitivity of the poison would lessen so by the last day he wouldn't cry from his husband wishing him a good morning.

Sadly, it appears to not be the case. Despite it being the last day, Shen Qingqiu cries as easily as before.

That's fine. He has survived nine days of this hell. One more day is nothing. This is fine. He can do it.

When Shen Qingqiu goes to sleep, he feels like a great weight has been taken from him.

It's finally over.

Usually, Shen Qingqiu is slow to wake up. He loves to laze in the bed first thing in the morning, sleepy and spoiled.

On the eleventh day after getting poisoned, as soon as he opens his eyes, Shen Qingqiu sits up in the bed so fast he gets dizzy.

It's over.

It's finally over!

He has survived it!

HE IS FREE!

His triumph gets interrupted by his own loud sob.

"You said it will be over in ten days, Mu Qingfang. It's been thirteen. Why am I still crying?" asks Shen Qingqiu, tears streaming down his face. His whole body is shaking with barely contained rage. Or maybe it's something else. He isn't sure. He is not in the mood for introspection.

Mu Qingfang sighs, "Shen-shixiong, this one never said soul cleansing will take ten days. I said it takes at least ten days, not that it will be gone in that time." He makes a pensive expression, "Although, this one did assume it will take ten days, considering there aren't any problems with your cultivation and your heart demons don't seem very strong," he mumbles to himself.

Shen Qingqiu's whole body is tense, "How much longer do I need to wait? What is the longest possible time soul cleansing can last?"

Mu Qingfang looks at Shen Qingqiu with a weirdly blank expression. When he speaks, his words are slow and measured, "Shen-shixiong, this Shidi is sure you need to wait just a few more days-" He doesn't get to finish his sentence when he gets interrupted by Shen Qingqiu.

"How. Long," he asks again. He apologizes to the doctor in his head. Ah, I'm so sorry, Mu-shidi. This Shixiong is just out of his mind with nerves at the moment.

Mu Qingfang purses his lips, "It is unknown how long Soul Cleansing can last. The longest documented cases lasted up to several months…"

Mu Qingfang continues saying something. It's probably something important, but Shen Qingqiu can't force himself to listen to it. All he can hear is the rush of blood in his ears.

Mu Qingfang notices that the patient is no longer listening to him. He coughs awkwardly and turns to speak to Luo Binghe, who stands silently beside his husband, "This one would recommend going back to Qing Jing Peak and waiting until soul cleansing is done."

Luo Binghe hums, "Husband, do you mind if this one talks to Mu-shishu privately?"

Shen Qingqiu just nods, still stupefied. Luo Binghe and confused Mu Qingfang leave him to talk in the adjacent room.

He can't do it.

What do you mean it can last up to several months?! He can't bear another day of this poison. What do you mean, several months?!

Another realization dawns on him. He won't be able to hide in his bamboo house if he stays on his peak for months. Oh god, he would have to do things while crying. He would have to attend peak lord meetings while crying. He would have to teach his disciples while crying. He would have to meet other sect leaders while crying. He can't do it. HE CAN'T DO IT.

Luo Binghe and Mu Qingfang come back ten minutes later.

Mu Qingfang looks at Shen Qingqiu with something akin to pity, "Shen-shixiong," he calls. Shen Qingqiu turns his white-as-a-sheet face to the doctor, his body now shaking with barely repressed sobs. Usually, he would've been embarrassed to be seen like that, but right now he has bigger things to worry about. "Shen-shixiong, this one has decided that there is no reason to hold you on your peak. If you wish to, you can leave. Just don't overexert yourself."

For a moment Shen Qingqiu can't believe his ears, "I can leave?" he asks in a small voice. In any other situation he would've hated how pathetic he sounds. But he is too relieved to care about propriety.

For a moment Shen Qingqiu thinks he sees a guilt flash across Mu Qingfang's face, "Yes, Shixiong."

Shen Qingqiu feels bad for running away from his peak like that. He hasn't apologized to Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge. He hasn't greeted his disciples. Ming Fan and Ning Yingying are probably still waiting for him to help him. And yet he chose to leave everyone at the first opportunity.

Still, it's hard to feel guilty when his husband flies him to one of their cottages. It's a small house, hidden away from people.

It's even harder to feel guilty when Shen Qingqiu feels like, for the first time in two weeks, he can finally breathe.

The poison doesn't go away in the five days they spend living in the cottage.

At the height of his relief, Shen Qingqiu completely forgot that the initial problem hadn't gone away.

He is still crying every time he experiences emotions.

It's better, of course. There are no people around, so he doesn't have to worry about being seen. He can actually leave his house, which is a huge improvement for his mood!

Overall, Shen Qingqiu can conclude that being away from people while waiting for poison to leave his system is a good thing for him!

But…

The thing is, when Shen Qingqiu lived on Qing Jing Peak, part of his mind was constantly busy worrying about other people seeing him. And now that this worry is gone, his whole mind is paying attention to his situation.

His situation sucks.

He assumed that as time would go on he would cry less and less. But it seems that since he has started his stay at the cottage, his crying hasn't gotten any better! In fact, Shen Qingqiu can confidently say it has gotten worse…

It's not that he is crying more often. It's more that the nature of crying has changed. At his bamboo house, Shen Qingqiu would try to do an activity, he would get a little emotional, he would cry, get angry and embarrassed, and then he would try to do something else. Back there there would be times when he got overwhelmed by emotions. But there were also times when the tears were just that—the tears. At first he often wouldn't even notice that he had started crying! The tears would just flow down his face like little waterfalls. No sobbing, no hitching breath, nothing like that! Being overwhelmed by emotion sucked, but at least there was some reprieve from it.

Now when he is living in the cottage, there are no 'just tears' anymore. He tries to do an activity, gets into a thought spiral, goes into a crying fit over it, tries to suppress it, cries even harder, and finally gets comforted by his husband. At Qing Jing he could calm down by himself! He never sobbed over reading poetry! The crying was tiring, but it wasn't exhausting. The dehydration made his head hurt, but he never felt like there was a hole in his chest over playing a guqin!

After Shen Qingqiu's initial shock about the duration of the poison has passed, he has decided he is going to deal with it. Hiding in his house, avoiding crying and moping for ten days straight? That's doable. Doing the same thing for an indeterminate amount of time? Now, that doesn't sound as realistic, does it? So he decided to thicken his face and deal with it head-on. He was going to stop paying attention to his tears. He is crying? So what?! Who is going to judge him? His husband? It's embarrassing and annoying, but a little bit of tears is not the end of the world. He was going to stop worrying about it and let it go.

This plan seemed realistic. Whatever is actually happening to Shen Qingqiu is unsustainable.

Things can't go on like this. He can't spend all his time out of his mind with sobbing.

But there is nothing to do about the situation. He can't force poison to work faster. He just has to wait.

"Breakfast is ready, husband," Luo Binghe's voice tears Shen Qingqiu out of his gloomy thoughts.

"Thank you, Binghe."

Luo Binghe's eyes crinkle with a smile, "This one is always happy to cook for his husband," he says, sounding ridiculously satisfied. Shen Qingqiu sees no reason to not indulge himself, so he gives his husband a headpat, making him almost purr from pleasure.

Before Shen Qingqiu stands a bowl of congee. He isn't surprised to see it. Now, it's important to note that he loves everything his husband cooks for him. However, it doesn't mean he has no preferences. And for the last almost twenty days, Luo Binghe has been cooking only his favorite dishes. And as time passed, he moved on from his favorites to his comfort food. That type of familiar dish that you eat when you are tired or upset. There is no wonder Luo Binghe has cooked him congee. It is his ultimate comfort food after all.

As he finishes his breakfast, Shen Qingqiu can't help but think of his husband.

Throughout the whole Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup ordeal, Luo Binghe has been the perfect husband, in ways that surprised even Shen Qingqiu. Of course he had no doubts Luo Binghe would be good at taking care of him. Making him food, cleaning the house, being patient, keeping him company, and giving him comfort—those are all the things he has already been doing for his husband, or for his mother, or for his Shizun's corpse. Those are the things he has been doing. But what's more surprising is how he has been acting.

Shen Qingqiu can't remember if he ever saw annoyance or frustration on his husband's face. Even when they were stuck in the bamboo house. Even when his attempts at cheering him up only made him sadder. Even when days turned into a miserable cycle with no end in sight. He has never shown that this situation is bothering him. Or more specifically, he has never shown Shen Qingqiu is bothering him.

And that's not all! Luo Binghe hasn't cried once since Shen got poisoned. Not a single crocodile tear for more than two weeks! And it's not the most surprising of all. He hadn't grumbled and glared at Yue Qingyuan when he visited him! He was the one who told him that Shang Qinghua is in the sect. Hell, he apparently went out behind his back to call for Liu Qingge to cheer him up. He hates Liu Qingge! He hasn't even bothered Shen Qingqiu with papapa, which he really appreciated considering his libido has been nonexistent. He even said something to Mu Qingfang that he let him go!

And finally, Luo Binghe never reacts when Shen Qingqiu cries. He comforts him, of course. But he never acts like Shen Qingqiu crying is some kind of life-ending thing. When Shen Qingqiu cries, Luo Binghe never panics, or frets, or wrings his hands. He never makes Shen Qingqiu feel like he is inconveniencing his husband, like all he does is make him feel worried and upset.

Now, for all Shen Qingqiu loves to call his husband a child, he knows Luo Binghe is a grown man. That knowledge doesn't stop him from being surprised by this… mature behavior. They have developed their own dynamic: Luo Binghe takes care of the household, and Shen Qingqiu takes care of Luo Binghe. It's Luo Binghe who needs his tears wiped away. It's Luo Binghe who needs comfort after his nightmares. It's Luo Binghe who needs constant reassurances. It's no wonder Shen Qingqiu is surprised by his behavior! It's a complete role reversal of their usual dynamic!

Ah, Shen Qingqiu has such a good husband. He loves him so much.

His sappy thoughts are interrupted by the familiar pricking in his eyes.

Of course.

Of course he can't even think of Luo Bighe in peace without triggering poison.

A single tear running down Shen Qingqiu's cheek.

He snaps.

"I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS!" he yells. He can't see, he can't hear, all he feels is an ache in his body. His voice is hoarse, "I'm so tired! I'm constantly crying! My eyes are dry, my head hurts, my body is sore, I'm always tired! I can't do anything. I'm forcing you to be my nurse! I'm pathetic! I want it to stop! I just want it to stop," his voice breaks in a wretched sob.

For the second, all he feels is pain. His head is splitting, his muscles spasms, forcing him to curl up on himself, his eyes are rubbed raw. Then there is warmth. A grounding feeling of another body against his. A firm embrace that feels secure without restricting his breathing. A familiar smell of hair oils. A familiar voice. A familiar feeling of safety.

When Shen Qingqiu comes back to his senses, he realizes he is sitting on Luo Binghe's lap. At this point it's a familiar pose for both of them—Luo Binghe holding Shen Qingqiu, gently squeezing him, patting his back, putting his heavy hand on his head, rocking slightly, murmuring something soft and comforting.

Shen Qingqiu curls slightly into himself. How shameful, to throw a temper tantrum like that. He doesn't say anything for a while, just letting Luo Binghe hold him.

They sit in silence for several minutes.

"Husband is not forcing this one to do anything," Luo Binghe says suddenly. "In fact, this one is happy to take care of you."

Shen Qingqiu leans back slightly to look at Binghe, "Happy?" he asks dubiously.

Luo Binghe flushes and presses Shen Qingqiu's head back to his chest, "N-not in that way, of course!" he says, obviously flustered. "It's just…"

For a moment he doesn't say anything. He pets Shen Qingqiu's hair as he gathers his thoughts.

"Obviously, it pains me greatly to see you in distress. Believe me, if I could make poison go away, I would do it in a heartbeat! But…" His voice is quiet. "But at the same time I'm happy that I get to be with you at this difficult moment. I know how much you hate showing your weakness. So the fact that I get to see you at your most vulnerable is the greatest honor for me. And the opportunity to help you shoulder your burdens is the greatest privilege. You are not forcing me to do anything. It's my own desire to take care of you."

Ah. Damn it, Shen Qingqiu just stopped crying. Why is his husband so wonderful?

He hides his face in Luo Binghe's chest. Part of him is slightly annoyed. God, his husband is too wonderful! Maybe he would prefer for him to stay childish even when he needs comfort! Maybe he would prefer to take care of his tears and jealousy instead of thinking of his own feelings! 

Shen Qingqiu doesn't say any of that. 

"Husband?" Luo Binghe calls after a few more minutes of silence. "This one… This one has an idea why poison is not going away," he says carefully.

"What?!" Shen Qingqiu tears his face out of his husband's chest and… Ah. He knows this face. This is the 'I'm going to say something you wouldn't like' face. "What is it?" he asks, a bit sharply.

Binghe takes a deep breath, "Husband, this one thinks you haven't done what Mu-shishu told you to do."

"What do you mean?" Shen Qingqiu frowns. "I've done everything he told me to," the list wasn't particularly long, "I stayed on the peak, I didn't overexert myself, and I let the poison run its course."

"Did you, though? Let the poison run its course?"

"As if I had any choice," Shen Qingqiu huffs in annoyance, "This thing is impossible to resist," he finishes drearily.

"And yet you still try," Luo Binghe's voice is impossibly kind and gentle. He isn't calling him out or reprimanding him, just stating a fact, "And yet you fight it at every step. You are trying to resist crying, and when you can't, you either get angry or embarrassed or do everything to make it stop as soon as possible. You don't let it run its course, you fight at every step of the way."

Shen Qingqiu doesn't know what to say. Because Binghe's words are true. He does all of that.

"Am I really that unreasonable for being angry in this situation?" he asks dully.

Luo Binghe lets out a fond and tired sigh, "Of course no," he cups Shen Qingqiu's face in his hands, bringing them closer. "This situation is annoying and upsetting. I'm not saying you are unreasonable for being angry," he says, looking him in the eyes, "However, I do believe that being angry won't make the situation resolve any quicker."

Shen Qingqiu feels a beginning of annoyance. Nothing comes from it, though. Because all of this makes too much sense.

"Husband?" Binghe calls softly, bringing Shen Qingqiu's face even closer to his, "Can you try it? I know this is scary, but can you try not to struggle against it at least once? Please, can you do it for me?"

Crying to stop crying? What nonsense. Shen Qingqiu wants to tell Luo Binghe that he has no tears left inside of him, but he knows very well that this is a lie. He has been feeling a familiar pricking in his eyes and nose.

Shen Qingqiu isn't sure where those tears are coming from. He feels like a dried-out desert well. He is empty, he has no tears left! And yet the poison is trying to take what isn't there. Digging into him, looking for more. When the first tear falls, he half expects it to be blood. What else could it be when he feels like there are no tears left? It isn't, though. Shen Qingqiu buries his head in Luo Binghe's chest.

Fuck it.

He lets go.

As soon as Shen Qingqiu relaxes his mental hold, he immediately feels the difference. Before that it felt like the poison was squeezing the tears out of Shen Qingqiu like he was an empty toothpaste tube. Now it feels natural. Like this is how it was meant to be. A dried well inside of him transforms into a small but steady stream and then grows into a river as his cries get stronger.

Shen Qingqiu must admit it feels almost nice. Tears stream down his face in a steady flow. Is that the answer? All this time it all could have been that simple?

That's when the pain comes.

A wretched sob gets torn out of Shen Qingqiu's throat. There is a feeling in his chest. A feeling so much larger and worse than anything he has felt while dealing with the poison. He knows that there will be more.

As Shen Qingqiu flew down the river, he hadn't noticed a cliff right before him, and now he is dangling above a giant waterfall. His whole body is shaking with exertion as he holds himself with all his might from the fall. His every muscle is tense. There are pathetic noises coming out of him. He is clutching his husband like it will prevent him from falling into a metaphorical abyss.

"Let it go," a gentle hand strokes his back in a broad motion, "It's okay, just let it happen," Binghe whispers.

Nothing is okay! How can he say that?! Shen Qingqiu can't let go! He feels if he lets go, something irreversible will happen! He won't be able to come back from it the same! He can feel it in his bones, he will be changed if he lets go! What will Luo Binghe do if he falls apart?! What will he do if Shen Qingqiu crumbles into pieces?!

…

He will probably put him back together. If Shen Qingqiu turns to ash, Luo Binghe will collect every single dust particle and put it back together, making him even better than he was before.

"I've got you."

Shen Qingqiu believes him.

He lets go.

It feels like all the emotional pain Shen Qingqiu has ever felt in his life floods his chest. He wails like a wounded animal. 

There is grief, and fear, and pain, and loss, and misery, and humiliation, and helplessness, and more, and more.

And as he wails and clings and cries.

And he feels like all this pain slowly goes away.

And he cries.

He cries.

He cries.

He cries.

He cries for everything in his life. For the past, present, and future. For good and bad. For things big and small.

He cries for his life. How he never expected to get a happy ending. He cries for his martial siblings and his disciples and all the people he happens to see in his life. He cries for the passage of time. He cries about how everyone has changed since he saw them for the first time. He cries, knowing that it won't be the end. He cries, knowing that there is a long and happy life ahead of him.

He cries for the people he cares about. He cries for their tragedies. He cries for their triumphs. He cries for everyone he has lost on the way to an end. He cries for everyone he has hurt. He cries for his loved ones who will never learn who he really is. He cries for the boy whom he betrayed. He cries for the man who had forgiven him anyway.

He cries for himself. He cries for the music he will never listen to again, for the food he will never try, for the novels he hasn't finished. He cries for his family he will never see again. He cries for his sister, for his brothers, for his parents. He cries for a man who died. He cries for the young man who had to wake up in a scary place all alone. He cries for a man who had to fight to survive. He cries for the grief he had to experience. He cries for all the pain. He cries for all the fear.

And he cries, and cries, and cries.

And slowly his wild weeping settles down. His wailing stops, turning into quiet sobs. His breath goes deeper and slower. His tears gradually subside. The tears become smaller and smaller. Until Shen Qingqiu doesn't feel like there is a wild waterfall pouring out of his eyes, out of his soul. Until they become more gentle. Until his tears fall like rain.

He doesn't know how long he cries. It feels like an eternity. However, he knows it couldn't have been more than 30 minutes.

Ah, all that drama to cry for only half an hour.

Shen Qingqiu feels bone-tired, However, he can't say that he feels exhausted. Before, his sobbing fits would leave him feeling completely broken, like he had been trampled by Black Moon Rhinoceros-Python. Now he feels almost… satisfied? It feels like satisfaction after a good workout, like a job well done, like a problem that has finally been resolved. Shen Qingqiu feels slightly dizzy and floaty, the room spinning around him.

Besides tiredness and satisfaction, he also feels weirdly fragile. It's like something that has been growing in his heart for years has been suddenly removed, and now there is an empty cavity inside him. Shen Qingqiu thinks he can almost feel that emptiness: there is an ache in his chest, a soreness at the edges of an empty space. Deliriously, he thinks that if right now someone pushes his chest too hard, his body will collapse into itself. He doesn't have to worry about it, though. Binghe will protect him, Shen Qingqiu decides.

Luo Binghe doesn't squeeze Shen Qingqiu as hard as before. He is simply holding him in his arms, hugging him firmly but not forcefully, not letting him fall apart just as he promised. When he notices that Shen Qingqiu has finally calmed down, he asks quietly, "Does husband need anything?"

Shen Qingqiu thinks about it for a second, "Sleep" he says in a raspy voice ruined from so much crying.

Luo Binghe kisses his head, and Shen Qingqiu can feel the smile on his lips. And he can hear the smile in his voice when he says, "Of course, husband." And he can feel the smile in his steps when he takes Shen Qingqiu in a princess carry and brings him to their room. He can feel Luo Binghe's smile, his joy, his relief in his every movement and every breath.

When Luo Binghe finally lays his husband on their bed, Shen Qingqiu lets out a deep breath. He instantly gets even more dizzy, his sleep coming to him so fast it feels like he is falling. He feels a shifting weight at his side, and he is instantly tugging his husband to lie on top of him. There is a small chuckle, and Shen Qingqiu finally feels a heavy press of his husband's warm body immediately grounding him. The room stops spinning, and he lets himself succumb to sleep.

Oh yes, he is going to sleep so nicely right now, you have no idea.

As Shen Qingqiu's mind drifts, a thought suddenly occurs to him: What if this is enough? What if he wakes up tomorrow cured?

He goes to sleep with a pleasant thought that maybe he can finally be done with all this mess.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't get cured the next day.

In fact, he doesn't get cured on the day after that!

However, this time Shen Qingqiu can't say that he spent those two days in misery.

This whole ordeal reminds him of the time he spent fighting Without A Cure: it feels like before there was some sort of blockage inside of him, making poison unable to progress, and now that it was cleared, Shen Qingqiu can finally breathe.

Now Shen Qingqiu understands why Mu Qingfang said it was very gentle in its effect on the victims. He feels great!

The next two days after his final breakdown, Shen Qingqiu spends feeling drunk. Or maybe high? He doesn't care. What's more important is he is not constantly angry or embarrassed anymore! In fact, it seems like he completely lost his shame.

During those two days Shen Qingqiu would try to do something, and then eventually he would burst into tears. Except this time, instead of feeling angry or embarrassed, he would feel all sorts of things! He would feel sadness and joy, and loss, and fury, and helplessness, and hope, and misery, and ecstasy. It was pretty tiring, honestly. Thankfully, Luo Binghe would always be near to hold him when things got too overwhelming.

On the twenty-first day of the poisoning, Shen Qingqiu wakes up and thinks of his family from the first life. He isn't surprised by his sentimental thoughts: he would randomly think of something sad throughout the last three weeks, and especially during the last two days. No, what's actually surprising is the fact that all he feels is soft melancholy. No overwhelming grief, no ache in his chest, no tears. No tears…

Ironically, this does make Shen Qingqiu cry. But he can't help but laugh nevertheless. After all, this is not the result of Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup. This is his own regular tears.

"So Shen-shixiong says that at its peak, soul cleansing gives a feeling akin to intoxication?" asks Mu Qingfang. He is desperately scribbling Shen Qingqiu's every word, like he is afraid he will miss something. Ah, Mu-shidi, calm down a little! This Shixiong understands the importance of documenting his experience for the sake of research! He can always repeat something for you, just ask!

"Yes, it's something like that," Shen Qingqiu says more slowly than usual, both for Mu Qingfan's sake and to give himself more time to think of the correct words to describe what he felt, "This one felt like he was in fog. Also, I felt very dizzy all the time. The strangest thing is that even when thinking of days long passed or what the future may hold, I've always felt…" Shen Qingqiu pauses for the moment, "…Present," he finally finishes.

"Present?"

"Yes," Shen Qingqiu nods, "No matter what was the reason for my tears, my attention was always directed at my emotions, feelings, and sensations in my body."

Mu Qingfang writes everything down with wild excitement burning in his eyes. He keeps going even when Shen Qingqiu falls silent. He is probably writing some of his theories now.

"I don't think Soul Cleansing Raining Buttercup gets rid of heart demons," Shen Qingqiu says suddenly.

This makes Mu Qingfang pause his writing. He looks at Shen Qingqiu with such a confused expression it makes him want to laugh, "What?"

"Well," starts Shen Qingqiu, pushing down his smile, "at least not permanently." He takes a breath to collect his thoughts. "This one believes this flower gives a temporary relief from heart demons. And this would probably be very useful at treating cultivators who are risking Qi deviation because of their heart demons. However, this one believes that they may return later."

Shen Qingqiu turns his head at Mu Qingfang and almost jumps at the intensity in his eyes. He doesn't really say anything. He just nods slightly as if prompting Shen Qingqiu to continue.

Shen Qingqiu coughs awkwardly, "What I'm trying to say is- Ah," he stumbles over his words, "I feel… cheerful? Carefree, maybe. It feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But I…" I don't feel different, he doesn't say. He doesn't say that he feels the same: he is still Shen Qingqiu, the flower hasn't changed anything in him. He may feel better now, but something tells him all his insecurities, neuroses, and fears will come back in a few weeks maximum. He doesn't know how to explain to Mu Qingfang without explaining the basics of psychology and mental illnesses. "Yeah…" he finishes eloquently.

Mu Qingfang blinks, "Does Shen-shixiong have any more insight into how the nectar might function?" he asks. "This one thinks the firsthand experience would be more useful than a description from a third party,” something in his expression shifts. "Especially when those descriptions have nothing to do with truth," he grumbles under his breath.

This makes Shen Qingqiu snort. Mu Qingfang has apologized to him for confining him to his peak. He put so much faith in what was written about the flower that he completely forgot that raining buttercup’s effects are relatively unknown. Which led to Mu Qingfang 'neglecting to account for Shen-shixiong's state of mind.'

The weirdest part of it is the fact that Shen Qingqiu really appreciated Mu Qingfan's apology. Usually he would've brushed it off, saying that this wasn't a big deal. That he isn't some fragile maiden who needs other people to take her feelings into consideration. He is a grown man! Why would Mu Qingfang take his feelings of all things into consideration? Right now Shen Qingqiu can't force himself to brush it off. This totally sucked, Mu-shidi! You should've paid more attention to his 'state of mind'! It was very shitty of you to dismiss his distress! But that's alright, you have learned your mistake, and he believes you will be better.

Shen Qingqiu and Mu Qingfang end up talking for hours, discussing the flower's properties, thinking of the ways of application, theorizing about the nature of soul cleansing. Shen Qingqiu shares his limited insight into psychology and how it might relate to heart demons. Mu Qingfang shares his plans to experiment on flowers that Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe found. 

Shen Qingqiu missed talking to other people without bursting into tears.

He returns to his bamboo house late in the evening. When Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu rushed to Qian Cao Peak to confirm that the poison was gone, Binghe wanted to stay with his husband throughout the whole meeting with the doctor. However, when Shen Qingqiu realized that they were going to talk for a while, he sent Binghe back to Qing Jing Peak. He protested for a while but eventually relented.

Now Shen Qingqiu mentally pats his own back for his foresight, because when he finally reaches his bamboo house, Luo Binghe, a big and scary demonic emperor, greets him like the perfect housewife he is: with a clean house, delicious dinner, dressed only in his inner robes. Shen Qingqiu doesn't hide his sigh of relief. There was a part of him that dreaded coming back to his house, when the last time he was there it was filled with stale air and smelled like salt and misery. Now the house smells like fresh air, Binghe's food, and home. Shen Qingqiu doesn't hide his gratitude either, kissing his husband and gently patting his head.

They spend the evening in peace. Shen Qingqiu feels a bit… weird. Throughout the day he noticed some of his actions and thought processes were not typical of him. He knows it's all flower's influence, he knows he will eventually come back as he was before. He isn't sure how he knows, but it seems obvious to him. Still, it's weird to know that this cheerfulness, this contentment, will pass. It's weird to realize that all of this mess will probably change nothing about Shen Qingqiu in the long run. 

"I will need to have a proper meeting with Ming Fan and Ning Yingying," starts Shen Qingqiu, with the expression of great suffering, "Zhangmen-shixiong too," he sighs, "Also I need to speak with Liu Qingge. I want to see those sugar gliders again."

"Of course, husband, everything you want," says Luo Binghe with eyes full of adoration. Shen Qingqiu flushes.

Looking at Luo Binghe also feels weird, but not because of the flower. Shen Qingqiu knew that he could always rely on his husband. But now he can't help but look at him in a new light. Luo Binghe is still his sticky disciple: clingy, manipulative, jealous, in constant need of reassurances. But now, knowing that Shen Qingqiu can fall apart, trusting his husband to catch him… It fills him with even more security than he has felt before.

Maybe this whole situation did change something about him and his marriage. However, Shen Qingqiu feels quite content with the fact that the flower has nothing to do with those changes. It's all him and Binghe…

Thinking about how great his husband is reminds Shen Qingqiu of something.

Using his soul-cleansing-induced shamelessness, he reaches forward and gingerly tugs at Luo Binghe's lapels. He pushes his fingers under loosened inner robes and gently traces the bare skin. The touch is gentle, light. Teasing.

"This one would like his husband to bring him to bed now," he says coyly from under his lashes.

The adoration in Luo Binghe's eyes changes into liquid heat. He stands up so fast, like Shen Qingqiu is going to run away, and then pauses, swaying in place like he got dizzy. This display fills Shen Qingqiu with playful delight. Why doesn't he do things like that more often? Although, he may eat his words tomorrow when he won't be able to stand. But now he can't force himself to care about it.

After all, it has been three weeks…