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Buck had been dreading this night since Hen and Karen had pitched the idea to him, but knew it was a much-needed reprieve from a terrible week. He loved spending time with his favorite queer couple, feeling a different kind of peace in their company than most others. Hen and Karen knew all too well how the world treated people like them. They had received the glares and the scoffs and the derogatory comments for decades longer than Buck ever had, and still, they hurt just the same.
Buck thought back to last week. It was the first real confrontation he’d had with anyone about his sexuality.
They had been called out to a more-than-routine car accident and worked their way through the motions. Chim and Hen split off to check on the drivers, Chim drawing the short straw and being stuck with the belligerent man who had caused the accident. Of course, he was convinced that it was anyone’s fault but his own.
After Chim had cleared the angry driver for extraction, Buck and Eddie strode over, jaws in hand and smiles on faces. They had been discussing a recent date of Christopher’s, Buck joking about how the boy had gotten his game from anyone but his father. Of course, Eddie had taken mock offense and opted to playfully shove Buck with a light chuckle.
They split the door open, the grumbling man glaring at them the whole way.
“Yeah, he gets that from you,” Eddie confirmed, adoration thick in his tone and a light blush tinging his cheeks. Something had changed with them recently. Buck was living in the Diaz house, half-heartedly looking for a new place to live but in no hurry. His boys had made it quite clear that he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted. So he had stayed for several months following Bobby’s death (and subsequent revival after being discovered in a government facility) and life had been light and airy and fun again. But the tone had shifted around their relationship. They hadn’t talked about it, both too afraid of shattering the fragile equilibrium they had found in their little family, but they were closer than ever. They had been more physically affectionate, but not overtly so. They took joy in the meaningful glances and playful fighting and the not-so-subtle flirting. Buck wanted to believe there was a tipping point in their future, but he wouldn’t allow himself to get lost in that hope.
Buck held Eddie’s gaze for a long second, a giddy smile adorning his face, when the man inside the car mumbled something under his breath that Buck wished he could forget. Both firefighters wrenched their gazes away from each other to glare at the man in the car, the slur thick in the air between them.
“You’re not really in a position to insult the people trying to get you to safety, sir.” Chim’s voice was hard and combative, obviously ready to defend his family.
Buck shot a look over his shoulder, silently asking his brother-in-law to drop it when the man in the car spoke up again.
“I can get myself to safety. I don’t need no fucking fairies helping me.” The man then proceeded to crawl into his own passenger seat and through the shattered side window, against the shouts of every firefighter in the vicinity. Before anybody could stop him, the man had crawled from the car, sliced his arm open and fallen hard on his ass as he fell from the window.
Chim was on the man quickly, treating his now gushing would. “Do you feel good about that choice?” he questioned, shaking his head and popping his gum with disdain. The man just grunted and averted his gaze, finally allowing the ministrations without incident.
Hen appeared beside Buck with a firm but soothing hand on his shoulder and a sad glint in her eyes. The touch broke Buck out his trance, and he quickly followed behind Eddie as the man walked away grumbling angrily under his breath.
“He’s damn lucky I’m on the clock right now,” he heard Eddie growl as the three of them rounded the side of the rig. The two men haphazardly threw their equipment into the side compartments, slamming each door closed with more strength than necessary.
-
Hen could tell the comments had gotten under Buck’s skin, so she did her best to keep him occupied with positive queer correlation. Hence, Buck found himself agreeing to a night out with Hen and Karen at their favorite gay bar.
The bar was incredible and overflowing with an air of acceptance and love. The lights were colorful, the music was loud, and the dancefloor was packed. As soon as he stepped through the door, Buck breathed a sigh of relief, feeling his shoulders drop from the defensive stance they had taken all week. He had only been out for about a year, and having gone that long without incident was astonishing to him, even in a city like Los Angeles. That didn’t make it sting less and it certainly didn’t make it easier to shrug off. He always tried to see the best in people, but after the incident, he had focused too heavily on finding the hate before it found him.
He was broken from his thought by Hen gently placing a cold beer in his hand, the condensation dripping slowly down the sides of the glass and pooling on the table he now occupied. He thanked her and fell into light conversation with the couple, only scanning the rowdy room once every few minutes. There was a voice in his head that screamed those terrible words every time he made eye contact with a man across the room, quickly subduing his thoughts and turning his attention back to his friends.
It was a plague.
He had also become more reserved around Eddie, suddenly noticing how often he reached for the man. The thought alone sent a shock of embarrassment through him. He had long come to terms with his feelings for his best friend, and he had almost started to believe that there might be something budding between them, but Eddie had never shown interest in dating men. So, Buck held back. He toed the line of platonic behavior but was careful not to cross it.
And he was happy. He was content with how things were. If he could stay with the Diaz boys and be nothing but Eddie’s platonic best friend for the rest of his life, he will have died a satisfied man.
That didn’t stop him from fantasizing about what could be. It didn’t stop him from mentally torturing himself with visions of a beautiful, dark-haired man in a tight maroon button down and black pants that hugged the curve of his ass just right as he leaned across the bar top.
Buck noticed himself staring across the room, that exact vision of a man waving for a bartender. He could only see the man’s back but he would have been naïve to not see the similarities to his best friend. The color of his hair, the curve of his waist, the strength of his shoulders.
He couldn’t look away.
Moments passed and when Hen couldn’t grab Buck’s attention, she followed his gaze to the man across the bar. She glanced at Karen, a knowing look shared between the two, and then nudged Buck’s shoulder. “Go talk to him!”
Buck jumped, unaware he was being observed and was suddenly thankful for the darkness of the room, hiding the deep blush on his cheeks. “No, thanks.” Buck didn’t want the deep-cut of disappointment when he sauntered over to chat up a man who was only a ghost of the person he truly wanted. He knew it was silly to condemn himself to a life of solitude, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of betrayal it elicited in his gut. He and Eddie weren’t together, probably never would be, but he was Eddie’s. He would always be Eddie’s.
Buck’s gaze fell away from the stranger and latched onto the condensation on the tabletop, tracing patterns through the water and hoping Hen would drop the subject. Instead, the woman gasped and smacked him repeatedly on the shoulder.
“Oh my god!” she continued gently slapping his shoulder, huddling in closer to him and Karen, conspiratorially. “Is that…?”
Buck looked up to where she was pointing across the room but was careful not to allow himself another glance at the man. He already knew how much he resembled Eddie, and the comment just caused his blush to grow.
“It is, oh my god! Eddie’s here!” she squealed, continuing her assault on Buck’s shoulder. The words stole his breath away as he stole a second glance at the man. And she was right. The man had turned around, now hesitantly scanning the room with his own beer in hand.
It was Eddie.
So many emotions flashed through Buck at once. First, he felt shocked. His best friend had ended up at a gay bar, by himself, looking… well, looking like that. His pulse quickened.
Second, he was confused. Eddie had told Buck he had plans with his abuela that night, certainly not that he was going to a bar. A gay bar!
And lastly, he was shrouded in hurt. Buck had long suspected that maybe he and Eddie had a chance, but here he was, finding out his best friend wasn’t straight by happenstance. What's worse was that if Eddie had wanted to date a man, Buck was openly available. He and Eddie had been... flirting? At the very least, they had been dancing around each other for several weeks and now he was here, looking for someone else.
It wasn't lost on Buck that he was also here enjoying a night out, but usually when you come out alone, it's with the intention of leaving with another person. Buck had no intention of picking up a date that night, but it seemed Eddie did.
Before his friends could say another word, Buck grabbed his jacket and all but ran out of the crowded room. He heard the concerned calls of his friends behind him but didn’t stop. He needed to be anywhere else.
-
He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, but he sure was going to try. As much as he tried to stamp down the jealously and hurt boiling in his gut, he couldn’t seem to shake it.
He wasn’t good enough for Eddie. He knew that. He had always known that, but for it to be so blatantly shoved in his face? It felt like being kicked while he was already down. However, living with the man in question made it difficult to suffer in silence.
When Eddie returned home late that night, much too late, Buck was on the couch pretending to be asleep. His eyes were closed, but he could feel the hesitance in Eddie’s steps as he stopped briefly behind the couch. If Eddie looked closely, he might have noticed Buck’s puffy tear-stained cheeks or the trembling in his breath, but he instead tiptoed past the couch and down the hall toward his room.
When Buck heard the soft click of Eddie’s bedroom door, he let out a shaky breath and fought the hiccup rising in his chest.
He cried himself to sleep that night, curled into a ball on the couch that, despite everything, still felt like home.
-
The next morning, Buck awoke to the sound of clatter in the kitchen and Chris’ crutches tapping rhythmically around the house. Normally Buck was first to wake but the homely sounds of his boys always made him smile. That morning, his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“How did you sleep?” Eddie asked as Buck rounded the corner into the kitchen. Buck could tell he was in a good mood as he danced around the kitchen preparing lunches and making coffee. He seemed lighter. Buck hated that he knew why.
Before he could respond, Eddie grabbed his hand and slid a warm mug into it. His touch lingered on Buck’s hand for a few beats as he ducked his head to catch Buck’s averted gaze.
When Buck met his eyes, he watched as Eddie’s happy mood quickly dissipated. “Buck?” the hand touching his own moved to caress his still puffy cheek. “What happened?”
Buck sighed and nuzzled into the touch, his eyes sliding closed. He wasn’t strong enough to ask what he wanted to know but he was tired. Too tired to pretend nothing was wrong.
“Just tired,” he murmured. Eddie didn’t breathe for several heartbeats, his thumb tracking back and forth in a soothing motion against Buck’s cheek. If he could see through Buck’s half-truth he didn’t say anything. Instead, he moved his hand down to gingerly coax the coffee up to Buck’s lips. Buck met Eddie’s steady, concerned gaze as he took a long sip of his fresh coffee. Exactly how he liked it, as always. “Thank you.”
Eddie smiled at him, concern still adorning his features but returned to preparing lunches for the three of them. Neither of them pushed or questioned but they both knew something had shifted.
-
It took a whole week for Buck to break.
The 118 had been called to another routine car accident. It was eerily similar to the scene two weeks before, except there were no belligerent, homophobic slurs being tossed around. Quite the opposite.
Buck and Eddie moved in tandem, existing side-by-side and yet more separate than they’d ever been.
While they were wrapping up the scene, Buck watched Eddie tend to the injured hand of a very attractive man who seemed to have big doe eyes for the medic. Against his better judgment, he glared sharply at the pair. He waited impatiently by the truck, trying not to scoff when he heard an errant chuckle or saw a look shared between them. Buck noticed the man glance over Eddie’s shoulder to where he stood, impatiently tapping his foot. He knew he was being obvious and standoffish but couldn’t find it in himself to care.
The man whispered something to Eddie with a look Buck couldn’t quite place, causing Eddie to briefly glance over his shoulder at him. Eddie raised a questioning and accusatory eyebrow at Buck, failing to hide the small, knowing upturn of his lips. Buck hated how the look sent his heart into overdrive and left his stomach in knots.
“Don’t mind Buck, he’s harmless,” Eddie chuckled, turning back to the man.
Buck blanched under the scrutiny and dropped his gaze to the ground, wanting nothing more than to snatch Eddie away from the beautiful Adonis who was so obviously flirting with him. The thing was, now that he knew Eddie was open to dating men, he had expected to see it. He just hadn’t expected it to cut so deeply.
They were best friends, Buck reminded himself. That friendship took precedent over everything else. He wanted Eddie to feel comfortable talking to him about his sexuality and he wanted him to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with him.
With a heavy sigh, Buck backed off from the pair, circling around the rig to stand near the open compartments, out of sight but definitely not out of mind.
After what felt like an eternity, Eddie finished up with the man before making his way to where Buck had retreated.
“You’re something else, Buckley.” The jeer accompanied a light-hearted smack to his shoulder as he walked by to place his equipment in the truck, but Buck could tell he was endeared by it, not angry. Eddie had been in a great mood lately, despite Buck’s avoidance. He was sure receiving ample attention from an attractive man didn’t hurt either.
The thought left a sour taste in his mouth.
“I saw you,” Buck muttered, wringing his hands together anxiously. The words were ominous and vague but he couldn’t conjure a more cohesive way to breach the subject he had been toeing around all week.
He noticed the crowd of his team over Eddie’s shoulder and cursed himself for bringing this up with an audience. But it was too late, Eddie had heard and met him with a confused stare as he pushed the metal compartment door closed. “Saw me… what? Chatting with a patient?”
More like flirting with a patient, Buck thought but shook his head of the intrusive jealously and furrowed his eyebrows, realizing his mistake. “No… not-“ he sighed and ran a nervous hand through his already tousled curls. He met Eddie’s confused eyes and took a step closer to the man so as not to out him in front of his whole team… again. “Saturday night. We went out for drinks and I saw you… at the bar.” Eddie’s eyes bore into him as if none of this was news. “Eddie…” his voice dropped even lower. “it was a gay bar.”
The man crossed his arms with an amused smile. Buck couldn’t help but notice the way his arms and shoulders flexed under the tight short sleeve shirt and suspenders.
“I’m aware that it was a gay bar, Buck,” he says out loud and unabashedly. "That's why I was there."
The rest of the team suddenly started whispering between themselves, brazenly watching the scene unfold between them. Buck could swear there was money exchanging hands.
“But… you’re straight?” Buck knew the words sounded lame and uncertain, but Eddie just laughed, a joyous chime breaking through the thick cloud of confusion surrounding Buck.
Without a word Eddie uncrossed his arms and moved a step closer into Buck’s space. His eyes were unreadable but shining with an emotion Buck thought he could drown in. A few quiet beats passed between them.
And then, “No, Buck. I’m not straight.”
“So, you’re gay?” he blurted out, the words jarring and carrying to his team and beyond.
“I don’t… It’s more complicated than that.” Eddie chanced a glance over his shoulder with a nervous chuckle before he turned his full focus back on his best friend. “I never allowed myself to entertain the possibility of being attracted to men. Recently though, there is a man I’ve caught myself staring at a little too long or…. living for a smile from.” The words hit Buck like a freight train. There was one man that made Eddie question everything. Lucky man. “So, it made me wonder. Am I attracted to all men or just this one.”
Buck’s pulse quickened in his ears, angry thoughts seeping into his mind for the one man who had stolen his best friend’s heart. Even through the wave of bone-deep disappointment, he couldn’t look away if he wanted to, Eddie’s chocolate brown eyes capturing him so completely.
There were so many emotions mingling in the air between them. Still, Buck was terrified of the answer that followed. “And what did you find?”
Eddie’s smile reached his eyes, his laughter lines on full display as he looked at Buck with the weight of a thousand suns. A glint in his eye like Buck hung the moon and the stars.
“Well, after I watched you run out the door like you were being chased, I sat with our friends and had a little chat.” Buck’s cheeks burned bright crimson at the words. “And I found that men are great, but…” Eddie placed a gentle hand under Buck’s chin, his thumb tracing the strong line of his jaw, “…a partner is more than just gender to me. This time… they happened to be a man and I happen to be hopelessly in love with him.”
“Oh,” Buck breathed, all other words lost in the fragility of the moment.
A few more beats of silence were exchanged as Buck felt himself on shaky ground once again. Hope encompassed him but there was still caution tape wrapped tightly around his heart.
“The thing is,” Eddie started again, playfulness overtaking his tone. “He’s a little oblivious sometimes,” his hand threaded through Buck’s curls before cupping the back of his neck, lightly gripping the hair at the nape. Buck gasped at the warm touch. “I’ve been sending him signals for months, hoping he’d finally get the hint and stop sleeping on my couch.”
“Oh!” he gasped, his heart suddenly trying to leap out of his chest, reaching for the man who was now only a breath away. He welcomed the feeling, knowing his heart had never belonged to him anyway. It belonged to Eddie. It had always been Eddie’s.
Usually, a man who could not stop talking, Buck was now completely lost for words.
Eddie waited patiently—expectantly—an amused smile staining his lips. “Any day, Buckley,” he teased, pressing further into Buck’s space until their chests were flush and their noses were a hair’s breadth from brushing.
“I’m so in love with you,” Buck exhaled after what felt like hours, arms circling around Eddie’s waist to pull them impossibly closer, and finally (finally!) pressing their lips together in a tender kiss. It started as nothing more than a light peck, but quickly turned into something deeper, the two melting into each other as their lips danced together like it was their only purpose in life.
Buck was vaguely aware of the loud cheering from their team and how unprofessional their exchange would appear to any onlookers, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. All he could think about was how incredible Eddie felt in his arms and how he would do anything and everything to keep him there forever.
“Alright boys, wrap it up!” Bobby’s voice was stern but lighthearted as he corralled the rest of the team away from the spectacle they had created.
The two broke apart with a breathless chuckle shared between them.
“Wow,” Buck breathed.
“You’re a modern day Shakespeare, Buck,” Eddie joked, pulling Buck back in by his suspenders to steal one more quick kiss.
Once they had detached themselves from each other, they wordlessly hopped into the cab of the fire engine and strapped themselves in across from each other, their legs tangled together to preserve the closeness they now yearned for.
The engine started and the team settled their headsets over their ears. Buck knew they wouldn’t hold back their teasing, so he waited until absolutely necessary to adorn his own, still blissfully lost in Eddie eyes.
Before the team could chime in with suggestive comments and playful jeers, though, Eddie’s once soft expression twisted into something wicked, his eyes darkening in a way that twisted something deep in Buck's belly. “You are not sleeping on the couch tonight.” With that, the communication channel erupted with disgusted groans and fake retching, all the playfulness gone and the team opting out of bringing it up again. Buck heartily laughed, eyes glistening with adoration for the man he could now call his.
He could not wait to never sleep on the couch again.