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The theatre erupted into wild applause. Everyone was on their feet, whistling through their fingers and cheering, as all the actors came back out for their bows. Todd was only looking at one. Neil had been pushed to the front to accept his applause and he was glowing; Todd had never seen happiness like it before. He watched as Neil gave the audience a humble nod, which was followed by another surge of applause. Bright red in the face, smiling, he shuffled back in line with the rest of the cast for one final bow. As the curtain dropped, Todd could swear he caught Neil’s eye, but he disappeared behind the thick layer of velvet before he could be sure. The applause kept going for at least another minute, and the boys were the loudest by far – Charlie was practically screaming. Cameron, although he’d been clapping before, was now aggressively trying to shush him and pull him down from standing on his chair. Todd wanted nothing more than to go backstage and see Neil, but he didn’t want to intrude on all his actor friends. Instead, he found Mr. Keating along the row. The hall started to quiet down into murmurs and shuffling feet as people started pulling on their coats. As Todd approached Keating, squeezing through the tiny gaps between the wooden chairs, he saw him wipe his eyes as if he’d been crying.
“He was real good, wasn’t he?” Todd said once he’d reached him, a smile spreading on his lips just thinking about it. Keating put a hand on Todd’s shoulder.
“That he was,” he replied. Todd felt a twinge of guilt for intruding when Keating was clearly emotional, but it was only a few seconds before Charlie and Cameron and everyone were crowding around asking about how they were getting home. Keating assured them that they wouldn’t be walking back to the school in the snow, although Knox seemed to be perfectly content in doing so; Todd had noticed him leaving with Chris moments before. When Keating asked about him, Charlie made a smug face and said that Knox was preoccupied for the night.
They decided to wait for Neil in the foyer. The snow had started coming down heavily during the show, so there was a thick layer of white covering the ground outside, and more still coming down. Charlie’s arms were folded up as if he was already cold.
“Do you think we’ll even make it back?” He asked incredulously. Meeks rolled his eyes and told him not to be so dramatic, so Charlie shoved him and he banged into Pitts. Keating told them not to squabble on Neil’s big night, but there was a playful look in his eye, like an amused father scolding his children. It wasn’t long before Neil came out, his cheeks still all red from excitement. He ducked his head under the double doors to keep his prop crown from falling off. Everyone immediately swarmed around him, jumping into hugs and messing up his hair – it took all of three seconds for Charlie to steal the crown. Todd hung back with Keating, watching them congratulate him for being ‘their generation’s greatest talent’. Todd glanced up and saw the proud smile on Keating’s face – he couldn’t imagine anyone looking at him like that, but if anyone deserved it, it was Neil. When he turned his attention back to everyone, Neil was looking at him. His smile changed slightly when he caught Todd’s eye, like he was suddenly the only other person in the room. Todd’s eyes immediately dropped to the floor. Neil approached them, the herd following behind.
“Did you like it?” He was breathless.
“It was sensational, Neil,” Keating said, his voice low and earnest. “You stole the show.”
Neil grinned.
“Seize the day, right?”
Keating chuckled. Neil turned to Todd; Todd knew he didn’t have to say much, but he wanted to. He wanted to tell Neil that he’d never taken his eyes off him once, that he’d hung on to his every word like it was the last thing he’d ever hear. He wanted to tell him how beautiful he was and how he felt like he knew him better than anyone else could. He opened his mouth.
“You were really good.”
Pathetic. He cursed himself for sounding so passive, but Neil didn’t look disappointed. In fact, he smiled the widest he had all night, and thanked him in a soft voice.
“Mr. Keating!” Charlie shouted, jumping in front of Neil with one hand on his head to steady the crown. “Are we leaving?” The other boys looked at him expectantly, all pushing to the front like a litter of excited puppies.
“Restrain yourself, Mr. Dalton,” Keating replied, and then, after a pause: “but, yes, we are leaving.”
Todd noticed Neil glancing at him before he turned to Keating.
“Would it be alright if I walked back?” Again, a quick look at Todd.
“If you’re sure, Neil,” Keating said, doubtfully. “It really is quite cold.”
“I’ll be alright,” Neil assured him.
“Neil! Can I keep your crown for the night?” Charlie looked like he had no intention of giving it back, regardless of Neil’s answer. Neil laughed and said yes, as long as he didn’t break it.
“I reject that insinuation! I have very delicate hands!” The boys groaned and shoved him in the direction of the door, Keating following behind. Neil turned to face Todd. It was an invitation. Todd’s stomach flipped. He pulled his eyes away from Neil to call out to Keating.
“Mr. Keating! I’m going to walk with Neil if that’s alright?”
Keating turned and seemed to give Neil a knowing smile before nodding and waving them off. Todd caught a similar expression on Neil’s face, but before he could question it, Neil darted his eyes back to Todd. Todd felt a warm rush in his stomach and was worried he was blushing. They were the last ones in the foyer now, and there was an old janitor coming out with some keys.
“Come on,” Neil said. “Let’s go.”
Keating was right: it was freezing. It was the kind of night that made your teeth chatter the minute you stepped out the door. Todd held himself tightly with folded arms to trap as much of his warmth as possible. Neil was doing the same, but the cold didn’t seem to bother him as much. They hadn’t said much since they’d left the hall, but they didn’t have to; it was nice to walk through the snow in silence. It was still coming down fast, but now it was the fluffy, light kind, so it actually felt quite peaceful. There was a mushy path trodden out for them in the direction they were going – although it would probably fade away the further they walked. It had already started to lose a little definition as they reached the winding road at the edge of town. Todd’s eyes had adjusted to the dark easily; the moon and snow seemed to be working together to reflect light for them. He wasn’t looking directly at Neil, but in his peripheral vision he could see the white clouds of breath that blew out in front of him as he walked. Todd couldn’t put his finger on it, but it felt like something was going to happen – he didn’t know what, or whether it would be good or bad, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a sort of weighted feeling between them. As if it was inevitable that something had to change in this seemingly infinite time between leaving the hall and reaching the school. God, he thought, Neil would be so creeped out if he knew the things that went on in his head.
Neil let out a relaxed sigh and shrugged his shoulders up to his ears.
“I feel really good tonight.”
Todd just smiled.
“Really,” he continued, looking around with bright eyes. “I feel electric! It’s performing, it does something to you. Makes you aware of everything.”
Todd laughed a little, then immediately felt guilty. Neil looked at him and laughed too, nudging him with his elbow. “You probably think I’m pretentious.”
“No!” Todd blurted out, a little too strongly. Neil made a quizzical face and Todd panicked that he was going to question his jumpiness, but he just laughed again. Todd knew he had to say something to change the subject. “How many more nights are you doing the show?” He asked, even though he already knew the answer.
“Two,” Neil said, turning business-like all of a sudden. “One tomorrow afternoon and then another in the evening.”
“Two in one day?”
“Yeah, it’s called a matinee in the afternoon.”
“I’ll be there.”
Neil gave him an unreadable smile. “You don’t have to come to them all – you’ve already seen it.” Todd said that he didn’t care, he wanted to see Neil perform again. Neil did that quizzical look again and then dropped his eyes to the ground, the ghost of a smile on his lips. Todd realised suddenly that he probably sounded like a stalker; he heard Neil’s voice clear as day in his head telling him not to come to any more performances, to never talk to him again, or he’d tell everyone how strange he is – not that everyone didn’t already know.
They were coming up to the turn-off that led to a long stretch of road to the school. Todd’s head was starting to feel sore from the cold, and he let out an involuntary shudder.
“Are you cold?” Neil asked. Todd couldn’t help but laugh at his oblivious tone of voice.
“Yes, I’m cold,” he answered obviously. “It’s winter.”
“Here.” Neil started to peel off his jacket.
“What are you doing? No!”
“I’m not that cold.”
“I don’t care, you need to stay warm!”
Todd yanked Neil’s collar back up to his neck so he couldn’t take it off. Neil laughed and tried to wriggle out of it. This quickly became a wrestling match, although the threat of slipping on ice kept them from getting too competitive. Neil eventually let Todd win, but he gave him one final shove for good measure. This turned out to be a big mistake, as Todd’s feet slipped out from under him and he landed with a loud yelp on the ground.
“Oh my god! Todd!” Neil scrambled down to help him up. Todd winced when Neil grabbed him, but he wasn’t too badly hurt. He muttered “asshole” under his breath, glancing up at Neil through his messed-up hair. Neil retorted by pushing Todd’s head away, very lightly this time, and leaving him to get up on his own.
“You alright there, Todd? Need any help?”
“No! I’m fine.” He tried to remain serious, but he saw Neil’s face and started laughing himself. “You’re such a prick, Perry.”
“Back at you, Anderson.”
For a moment, they both stood in silence, the remnants of their playfight hanging in the air. They were looking at each other, both waiting for something, but not knowing what. It felt endless and fleeting all at the same time. Neil let out a breath of laughter and shrugged off the silence.
“We should probably get going,” he said, looking off in the direction of the school. Todd nodded, still a little out of breath, and they started walking again in unison.
The school came into view like a splattering of low-hanging stars. There weren’t many lights on at this time on night, but a few stragglers were obviously still holding on. Todd brought his hands up to his face and cupped them in front of his mouth to breathe some hot air on them. He’d gotten rapidly colder now that the idea of warmth was so close. Neil turned to him suddenly, a twinkle in his eye. “Want to take a detour?”
Todd groaned in protest, but he knew he wouldn’t say no. He gave Neil a tired look, which only encouraged him.
“Come on!” Neil started running off the path and onto the grounds, leaving a trail of messy footprints in the untouched snow. Todd stayed where he was for a second and wearily called out Neil’s name. Alas, it was in vain, because Neil kept going, his laugh travelling back to Todd in the breeze. Todd stifled a smile, trying to stick to his guns, and looked around as if someone were watching – he always had a horrible feeling that he was being observed, even when there wasn’t soul around. By now Neil had almost ran out of Todd’s eye-line, so he started into a jog to catch up. The snow was slowing him down, so he picked up the pace until his feet barely sunk below the surface.
Neil had stopped at the point where the grass turned to stone: the courtyard with the big fountain in the centre. He was looking around, his head tilted up slightly to catch the tiny, ghostly snowflakes that were still falling. He turned to see where Todd was, as if he’d suddenly remembered he wasn’t alone. Todd was close enough to see him smile as his eyes rested on him. He ceremoniously took the final step off the grass and on to the stone, giving Neil an impatient look. Neil’s smile grew until the corners of his eyes creased. He nodded his head to the side.
“Follow me.”
He didn’t wait for Todd to answer, of course, he was already off in the direction of the fountain. Todd figured it was no use pretending he would say no anymore, so he followed him without protest. Neil was running his finger lightly along the fountain edge, which was covered in white frost. The next thing Todd knew, Neil had jumped up on it, his arms out wide for balance.
“Neil!” Todd reached out, but he didn’t know what he’d planned to do.
“Come up!”
“No! It’s all ice!”
Neil was gazing down at him with a defiant smile on his lips.
“It’s not!” He said. “I promise.” He reached out his hand for Todd to take. Todd pulled a face, once again looking around him for an imaginary spectator of their rule breaking. He looked back at Neil and tried to stare him down, but eventually he took the hand. With no warning, Neil immediately pulled him up and held Todd’s waist with his other hand to steady him. Todd cried out and clutched onto Neil’s shoulder.
“Neil!” He squeaked.
“What?” Neil was laughing and they were still holding each other. Todd quickly loosened his grip and took a shaky step backwards. Neil watched him, half-amused, half-anxious that he’d fall – though he was ready to jump into action again if Todd so much as wobbled. Once he felt stable enough, Todd looked into the fountain for the first time. It had iced over in the cold and was coated in snow like frosting on a cake.
“It’s beautiful.” He hadn’t really meant to say it out loud, but something about being here, with Neil, feeling like the only two people in the world, let it slip out. Neil grinned and kept his eyes on Todd for a second before looking down at the fountain.
“Yeah, it is.”
They were quiet for a while, listening to the night and letting the snow fall. Neil turned to look out onto the courtyard, Todd did the same. He let another minute of silence pass before speaking.
“You really were brilliant tonight.”
Neil scrunched up his nose and looked at Todd with a warm smile.
“Thanks, Todd.”
Neil made a move to face him and, in hastily trying to do the same, Todd felt his foot slip against the ice. His heart stopped as he readied himself in that split-second to feel his head hit the stone, but before it could Neil had grabbed him and was holding him firmly still against his own body to keep him upright. Todd stood frozen for a minute, shook up from almost falling. He met Neil’s eyes, and then, at the same time, they both started laughing. Neil’s hands relaxed a little, but they stayed on Todd’s shoulders. Todd felt alive with adrenaline; he had to take big gulps of air in order to breathe. He didn’t know how long they were laughing for – it felt mostly like a result of sleep-deprivation and the looming hypothermia they were sure to catch if they were outside for much longer. They naturally quietened down after a while, but they dared not glance at each other in the fear that it’d set them off again.
Todd relaxed his shoulders as Neil let go of them and he looked in the vague direction of the dorms. He was about to suggest they get going when Neil said his name. As Todd turned to look at him, Neil moved forward, bringing himself close again like he was about to stop him from falling. Instead, he leaned in and kissed him, softly, on the mouth. Todd’s mind suddenly went completely blank, and he felt his eyes close. It was as if he had left his body and was watching the scene unfold from some position above them, looking down like an angel. Neil’s hand reached up and touched Todd’s cheek so gently, and then, just as quickly as it had started, he pulled away. Todd opened his eyes again quickly, his mouth half-open still. He made some attempt to speak, but Neil suddenly pulled him into a tight hug. Todd didn’t know what to do. He realised that his arms were still wooden by his side, so he slowly lifted them to gently hold Neil’s waist in an attempt to reciprocate the hug. It wasn’t long before Neil let go and, silently, jumped down from the fountain. He offered a hand to Todd to help him, still not saying a word. Todd stood for a second, helplessly over-analysing the gesture, but he snapped himself out of it and took it, carefully hopping off. He waited for Neil to say something, to explain, but he didn’t; he just gave him a small smile and started walking in the direction of the dorms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Todd didn’t sleep that night. It didn’t help that Neil was only a few feet away from him, sleeping perfectly fine with his blankets pulled all the way up to his chin. Todd did his best not to stare at him. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought that Neil would do that – he’d convinced himself that he was in fact dreaming. He decided quickly that there was no point in pretending that he hadn’t wanted it to happen for a long time. He stared at the ceiling, remembering all the times he’d wished that Neil Perry had kissed him, and all the times he didn’t. It was a fantasy, something that he knew he couldn’t have, and he’d come to terms with that. In a way, Neil had completely ruined everything by actually kissing him, because Todd hadn’t planned for this, he didn’t know how to deal with it. What would they do in the morning? Just go about their day like nothing had happened? It was Saturday tomorrow, which meant no lessons, which meant no distractions. God, and what about the others? Surely, they’d ask about the walk home and they’d see that something was wrong. He could just hear the snide comments and weird looks, especially from Charlie – they wouldn’t hear the end of it. And what if they told everyone? What if his parents found out? Todd suddenly felt the room shrinking and he was finding it hard to breathe. He shot up, his hand grabbing at the wall, gasping for air like he was drowning.
“Todd?”
Todd’s eyes shot across the room, where he saw the outline of Neil leaning up on his elbows to see what was going on. Todd felt his face heat up; he’d thought Neil was fast asleep. Without a word, Todd carefully brought his hand away from the wall and lay down again, purposefully facing away from Neil. He waited in excruciating silence until he heard Neil do the same. Had he been awake the whole time? It hadn’t crossed his mind that Neil might also be up, thinking the exact same as him. Todd started feeling silly hunched up his bed, all tortured and insecure, now that it was possible Neil was doing the same. Surely not. He’d kissed him, after all.
He must’ve managed to get a bit sleep at some point during the night, because he closed his eyes one minute and when he opened them it was morning. A sliver of sunshine that was coming through a gap in the curtains formed a sharp line along the middle of the room, like a barrier. It took a second for Todd to remember what had happened the night before, but it all came flooding back in one big, sickly wave and he looked over at Neil’s bed.
It was empty.
Something in Todd immediately eased knowing he was alone; he always felt most comfortable in his own company. That didn’t stop the panic from rising, however, when he started thinking about all the places Neil could’ve gone, all the people he could be talking to. Probably with the others, telling them that Todd had tried to kiss him last night and he’d had to push him off. Todd needed to settle himself down: he yanked off the covers and stood in the centre of the room, bare feet glued firmly to the wooden floor. He remained frozen that way for several minutes, trying to focus on what he could feel, what he could hear. Everything real around him, not the stuff in his head. He thought of how strange he must look right now, if anyone could see him. He didn’t really know what he was doing himself, but it was helping.
A loud rapping on the door frightened him and he instinctively took a step back. He tried to get out a ‘hello?’, but his voice escaped him.
“Anderson?”
Charlie’s haughty voice came from the other side of the door, almost a demand rather than a question. Todd loosened a little; he’d been imagining a lot worse. He took a deep breath and opened the door a crack. Charlie pushed it open fully and came striding through. He stopped and surveyed the room, pulling a face. “Good god, Anderson, do you have any idea what time it is?” He whipped the curtains open with a flourish, flooding the room with light. Todd realised he didn’t actually know what time it was. Charlie spun round and faced him, expectantly. Todd filled with dread.
“What?”
Charlie rolled his eyes. “You haven’t heard?”
Every second felt like it was dragging on for eternity.
“Jesus, Todd, this is why you shouldn’t sleep in. You miss everything.” Charlie dropped down on to Neil’s bed, shuffling the pillows around until he was comfortable. Once he was satisfied, he looked up at Todd with a devilish smile. Todd’s heart was in his mouth, his pulse deafening in his ears. He wanted to scream at Charlie to just let it out and tell him already. Charlie waited a moment, relishing in the suspense.
“Chris spent the night last night.”
Todd’s mind went blank for a second, overcome with relief and confusion that Charlie didn’t seem to know his secret. He let out a series of stammers, trying to find the right reaction.
“Christ, Todd, you’re base.” Charlie jumped up, his energy making Todd dizzy. He spoke deliberately, like Todd was a child. “Chris… spent… the night. Knox kicked Meeks out – he had to sleep on our floor. You know what that means.”
“I… I mean…”
Charlie groaned. “Why do I even bother?”
He started leaving. When he reached the door, he stopped. “Aren’t you coming?”
“Coming to what?”
“Are you on something, Anderson?”
“No.”
Charlie frowned suspiciously, looking Todd up and down. He was only playing around, but Todd still felt himself going red.
“The lounge. We’re studying together before Neil’s matinee.”
Todd suddenly remembered. They’d planned a whole day around the rest of Neil’s performances: study in the morning, then make their way into town for the two o’clock show and stay there until the evening. The thought of it all made Todd want to sit down.
“Yes, yeah.” He said it before he’d even decided he would. Then again, if he didn’t go with them, they’d definitely have questions.
“Ok…” Charlie gave him one last suspicious look before pulling the door shut. Todd heard him call out as he walked down the hall. “I’ll see you later, Anderson.”
Todd was starting to get find his bearings a little. Neil was, of course, not going to be at the school all day; he still had no clue where he’d been in the morning, because it didn’t take that long to get into town. Todd found himself looking over at Neil’s bed as he got dressed, almost like it was the scene of a crime. The last place his body was.
When he arrived at the ‘study session’, it was around eleven and there was no sign of any work being done. They were basically alone in the lounge: a few die-hards had their heads buried in books at the corner tables, but the couches in the centre had been free to be claimed. Todd came in unnoticed at first – they were all shouting over each other about something – but eventually Cameron spotted him and gave him a welcome nod. Cameron, at least, had a book open in front of him; the others hadn’t even brought their stuff out their bags. Charlie was standing, naturally the centre of attention, Pitts was half-sitting, half-leaning against the arm of a couch, and Cameron and Meeks were sitting opposite each another. Knox hadn’t arrived yet – it wasn’t long before Todd realised that was exactly what they were talking about.
“Todd!” Charlie exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger. Todd froze. All eight eyes turned towards him. “Did you catch up with Chris and Knox when you walked back last night?”
Todd shook his head, desperate to get off the topic of last night.
“See,” Cameron said. “They were too far ahead.”
“They must’ve been in a hurry,” Charlie smirked, nudging Pitts. They all started making funny noises and laughing at each other. Todd made a note to let the tension out of his shoulders and sat on the other end of Meeks’ couch.
“Do you think she’s still here?” Meeks asked, a note of panic in his voice. Everyone went quiet and looked at each other like that was something they hadn’t considered. The idea of a girl being in the school felt so unfamiliar and dangerous, they suddenly didn’t know how to hold themselves. Just at that moment, the door opened and Knox walked in. Like Todd, he froze in the doorway at the sight of the boys on the couch. There was a moment of silence, and then everyone erupted into cheers and congratulations. Knox tried to brush them off, but he couldn’t hide his bashful smile.
“Go on then, Knox, what happened?”
“What was it like?”
“Is she still here?”
“Did she go home?”
“How do you feel now you’re finally a man?”
Todd kept quiet, but he was enjoying their shameless jealousy. Knox held his hands up in defence and insisted he didn’t want to talk about it for Chris’ sake. This only made them worse – the other boys in the room were starting to stare.
“Is she still here?” Cameron asked. You could tell he was worried about getting into trouble.
“No, she just left.”
Everyone went quiet. They shared a collective look and all jumped up in unison to look out the window. Todd rushed to join them, standing at the back. Knox protested, but there was no point. They crowded round the small window that faced out to the front of the school, holding the curtains back so everyone could get a better view.
“I can’t see her,” Pitts said. He was the only one who didn’t have to strain on his toes to see.
“Is that her?” Meeks asked, pointing at something in the distance.
“That’s a tree, simpleton.” Charlie hit Meeks on the head. Meeks shoved him away.
“You’re all idiots,” Knox said. “She had her bike – she’ll be long gone.”
Charlie spun round, his face full of contempt.
“You could’ve said, Knox!”
The only information they managed to get out of Knox was that they’d had a lovely evening and he was seeing Chris again after the matinee show. He kept swearing that nothing had actually happened, but the boys didn’t believe that for a second. By the time they were done harassing him, they had to leave for town to make the matinee. They’d decided to walk, it was sunny and the leftover snow made for a nice journey. Thankfully, the entire trip was dedicated to continuing Knox’s interrogation, so Todd was able to get a little peace. He laughed along with their taunts and jokes to remain unsuspicious, and he’d decided that none of them had any inclination about what had happened.
The town was busy; lots of kids were running around, probably going to the show with their parents later. The boys had found some benches to sit on while they waited for the show to start.
“Do you think Neil’s backstage right now?” Cameron asked.
“Obviously,” Charlie retorted. “They have to do all those phony breathing exercises and games before it starts. They make them pretend to be animals, it’s ridiculous.” Todd held back a laugh: Charlie had been all about those phony exercises and games when he was bragging about a drama programme he did over summer. Now, he was scrunching his nose up and pretending to be a chimp rummaging for food on the ground. Meeks was trying to pull him up, shooting polite smiles at confused passers-by.
“Charlie!” he hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.”
Charlie stood, defiant.
“Nuwande.”
“Whatever,” Meeks said, rolling his eyes.
Pitts rubbed his hands together and asked if they could go inside yet.
Cameron said it was too early, but Charlie paid no mind to him skipped across the road to the town hall steps. He tried the doors; they opened. He shot them all a pompous look and went inside. The others followed, shaking their heads at the whole performance.
Just as the night before, Neil blew the audience away; Todd wished they could put him up for some kind of award. He’d tried to control his nerves throughout the show, but every time Neil looked out to the audience, Todd felt like he was staring directly at him. He’d been tugging at his sleeve for so long that the wool had partly come unravelled. As the curtains dropped, the boys stood and cheered, their booming voices carrying over the crowd. Charlie turned suddenly.
“Let’s go backstage!”
“We can’t,” Meeks said.
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not in the show.” This was Pitts. Next to Charlie, he looked much older, towering over him like a big brother.
“But we’re friends with the star!”
Charlie didn’t wait for a response. He squeezed past Todd at the end of the row and made for the small wooden door by the stage, fighting against the steady flow of people trying to leave. Cameron tried to grab at him but missed. They followed after him, speaking in hushed voices.
“Charlie! Stop it!”
“Charlie, you’re going to get us in trouble.”
Knox was hanging back a little, looking at the clock on the wall. Todd figured he was probably meant to meet Chris soon. “I think I’ll wait out here.” He said, carefully, to Todd. Todd nodded in understanding, and saw Knox let out a sigh of relief at not being teased.
Most of the audience had left by now, and Todd was starting to hear the buzz of voices behind the curtain. Charlie had managed to reach the door without being stopped, so he threw the rest of them a smug smile and knocked three times. A young girl with a pale green painted face – one of the fairies – opened the door. She was confused to see this group of strangers, but was clearly still reeling from a good show.
“Hello? Can I help you?” Her little voice was hard to hear.
“Hi,” Charlie spoke confidently, as if he did this all the time. “We’re friends of Neil. Can we come in see him?”
The little girl’s face lit up at the mention of Neil’s name. “Oh! Neil! Yes, come in!”
The room backstage was a battleground. There was no space anywhere; every inch of floor was taken up by adrenaline-fuelled kids, all in the process of taking off their costumes. A group of girls were attempting to wipe off their colourful stage makeup in front of a row of large mirrors, the paint smearing around their skin. The boy who played Oberon was having trouble unhooking his cloak, so Hippolyta was helping him. You couldn’t hear yourself think; everyone was shouting over each other, some trying to yell at people all the way on the other side of the room. Todd kept close to the other boys, painfully aware of how much they stood out in this crowd. Thankfully, everyone was so preoccupied with de-costuming that they paid them no notice.
The girl who’d opened the door suddenly appeared by them again.
“Neil’s probably still on the stage.” She pointed her tiny finger towards a set of small rickety wooden stairs. Charlie turned to thank her, but she’d already disappeared back into the swarm. He looked back at the boys and gave them a brazen smile. Cameron scowled back and rolled his eyes in the direction of whoever was closest, which in this case was Todd.
Neil was on the stage – surrounded by most of the main cast. They were all sitting; some on the wooden set-pieces, some on the battered stage floor. Neil was like a beam of light in the centre, all the energy coming from and towards him. His gestures were very animated and he was doing that smile he always did when he could hardly contain his excitement. As with backstage, everyone was talking at once. Neil caught sight of the boys and jumped up. Todd was still quite near the back and he kept it that way, avoiding direct eye contact with anyone, especially Neil. The other cast members all looked in their direction as Neil stood with them. He spread out his arms, presenting the group like there were attending a ball.
“These,” he exclaimed, with his chest out. “Are the Dead Poets!”
Everyone shouted out a greeting, some even clapped. Charlie lapped it up, bowing and winking in all directions. Over the sound of the applause, Meeks leaned over to Neil.
“You told them about us?”
Neil shook his head a little.
“I only told them our name. They don’t know about the club.”
It was at this moment that Neil noticed Todd behind Cameron. His eyes flickered with the recognition and something else Todd couldn’t read. He quickly assumed his ‘presenter’ persona again, facing back out to the cast. Charlie was already chatting with a couple of older kids near them – the ones who were either shirtless or wearing torn cloth over their chests.
“You can head out, Neil,” the boy who played Demetrius called over. He was leaning against a tree cut-out and was wearing green felt shorts and a sash over his bare chest. “We can strike all this.”
“Are you sure?” Neil asked. He’d taken a step towards his castmates. Todd started to feel embarrassed that they were pulling him away from all the fun.
“Yeah, go play.” The Demetrius boy was grinning, and when Neil turned around Todd saw that he was smiling too. He felt a brief stabbing feeling in his stomach, he didn’t quite know why, but he couldn’t stop glancing at the Demetrius boy, and how he was looking at Neil. Neil waved goodbye to the few who were still paying attention, squeezing the hand of the girl who played Helena when she affectionately reached it out to him. For a second, Todd entertained the idea of becoming an actor; he could feel all the love that went into it and the energy on the stage felt like something he could grasp and collect in his hands. He was brought out of his thoughts when Neil brushed past him, followed by the rest of the boys. Neil didn’t make any effort to acknowledge him. Todd ended up at the back again; he thought that maybe it’d be good to keep as much distance as possible between himself and Neil for the time being. As they went back down the stairs, he heard Pitts ask: “hey, Neil, what does ‘strike’ mean?”.
Knox left them as soon as they got outside; Chris was apparently meeting him somewhere in town. He took all the jokes in his stride as he marched down the street and out of sight; Todd supposed he probably didn’t care about what the boys had to say with a girl like Chris waiting for him. They all got something for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around town. Todd kept waiting for Neil to look at him – to really look at him – but anytime their eyes met it was only in brief glances. There was a low panic bubbling away in the pit of his stomach. Had he screwed everything up? Maybe he should’ve ran all the way to the theatre the second he woke up and confessed his feelings and told him how long he’d wished for last night to happen. The selfish part of him also felt spiteful of how happy Neil seemed doing all this. It was a new joy, something different from what he got from the Dead Poets meetings. He also wanted to ask about the boy who played Demetrius, the one who’d been looking at Neil the way Todd was waiting to be looked at.
He hated this side of himself.
Before long, it was time for Neil to leave again to get ready for the evening show – his last one. They’d settled in the town square for the last couple hours, somewhere where Neil could see the towering clock in the centre. He’d spent the whole time they were there checking it every five minutes, Todd had noticed. It was still a couple hours until the curtain went up, but Neil said they had warm-ups to do and had to get in costume early so everyone was ready. Charlie rolled his eyes and called out as Neil was walking away.
“Pansy!”
Todd flinched. The boys gave him some polite, but awkward, acknowledging laughs, but Meeks hit his arm like he was scolding a bad dog. Neil turned, laughing, and flipped him off. Charlie turned to face Meeks.
“You’re so sensitive, Meeks.”
“It’s called being considerate.”
“He knows what I mean!”
This time Pitts shoved him, almost all the way over. They began playfighting in the square, much to Cameron’s embarrassment. Meeks threw a tired look at Todd, then smiled in the way you do when you have a private interaction with someone in a crowd. He must’ve noticed Todd’s jumpiness – which he cursed himself for letting show – because he silently mouthed a ‘you alright?’. Todd nodded curtly and tried to force out a smile. Meeks didn’t look too convinced, but Charlie suddenly stumbled backwards into him, so all was forgotten.
As on opening night, there was a low hum of excitement buzzing through the hall, only this time it felt especially electric because it was the final time the curtain would go up. The boys were filing down the stretch of space between all the rows of chairs, when Todd noticed the small stage door open a crack. The face of the same little girl they’d met before peaked out, freshly painted green. She caught his eye and a wave of recognition and relief washed over her. As subtly as she could, careful not to be noticed by anyone else in the audience, she sharply waved her small hand at him to come over. Todd glanced at the boys, but they were all busy finding their seats, so he quietly slipped out of the crowd and towards the door.
“Thank goodness!” The girl breathed. “You’re Neil’s friend, right?”
“Yes.” He tried not to sound so nervous.
“I hate to ask,” she said, her eyes still darting around like a hawk. “But one of the ensemble left his headpiece in the bathroom and he can’t come out in costume, could you run and grab it and bring it backstage? He’d just feel awful if he didn’t have it.” The pressure of this sudden responsibility made Todd feel dizzy for a moment – maybe it was the stuffy heat of the hall as everyone was getting settled – but he swallowed it down and nodded his head. “Oh, you’re a star! Thank you!” She’d barely got the words out before the door swung shut again. Again, Todd glanced back at the others, but they hadn’t seemed to notice he was gone yet. He looked at the clock above the door and guessed that he had about ten minutes until the curtain went up. With one swift movement, he was turned around and headed out into the foyer.
The headpiece was sitting waiting for him on one of the sinks – Todd felt his body relax as soon as he spotted it. Carefully, he tucked his fingers under the bottom and raised it up in front of him like he was gifting it to his reflection in the mirror. It was similar to Neil’s but smaller, all twisty and sharp with tiny berries dotted along the edges. Todd pushed the door open with his back and tried to keep a low profile as he darted along the far wall of the hall. There were still people coming down through the rows of chairs, but he knew he didn’t have long. He got to the little stage door and knocked three times. He waited for a moment, and then devastatingly realised that no one would be able to hear him over all the noise. His eyes found the boys again, but this time Pitts noticed him and pointed, pulling a confused face. Todd tried to gesture to the crown but could only awkwardly nod his head down in its direction. He glanced at the clock, then to the stage, and knocked a couple more times before bottling up all his fear and going in himself.
As he’d expected, backstage was chaos – Todd was amazed they couldn’t hear it outside in the hall. It took all he had in him not to dump the crown on the floor and immediately turn back. Shielding it as much as he could with his arms, he sliced through the crowd, eyes peeled for the girl from before. He kept getting knocked by flurries of wood-coloured fabric and makeshift wings, and each time he heard a distracted ‘sorry’ mixing in with the other calls and demands.
“Margaret, do you have my lipstick?”
“Has anyone seen my tights?”
“Curtain up in five minutes!”
“Todd?”
Todd whirled around to see Neil standing halfway up the stairs to the stage in full costume. The way he was standing – one foot higher than the other on the next step and head ever-so-slightly tilted – already held traces of Puck before the show had even begun. Todd’s stomach lurched as their eyes met, but he pushed his way over to the steps, trying not to collide with any more wings on the way. Neil came down another step to hear him, but even then they had to speak up over the noise.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was told to get this.”
Neil didn’t look disappointed to see him. Or angry. The only feeling Todd could read from his face was genuine confusion at his appearance backstage. At the sight of the crown, a disgruntled smirk passed his lips. He took it from Todd and held it up high.
“Eddie!”
A small head turned to look at them, belonging to a kid probably no older than thirteen. His eyes widened and he darted to the stairs. Before he could take the crown, Neil playfully snatched it away from him.
“Not even for the last show?”
“I thought I had it!”
He gave the boy his crown with a light-hearted scowl and he bounced away again, securing it firmly on his head. Todd didn’t have a chance to overthink what would come next, because after a quick look around Neil grabbed his wrist and pulled him through a door at the edge of the room. They were suddenly in a tight hallway, carpeted in a murky red and bright from harsh luminescent lights. Neil gently closed the door behind them and stood opposite Todd, leaning against the cold wall. The corridor was so small that they were already standing close to each other. Neil didn’t say anything, but he looked like he was holding back a smile. Todd could feel his heart racing.
“What?” He asked. It was almost like he was asking some greater force for an answer about all this. Suddenly, he felt a wave of anger. He asked again, this time harsher. “What?”
Neil’s face faltered. “Are you angry with me?”
Todd let out an exasperated sigh.
“Well, Neil,” he said, trying not to stutter. “I don’t know what’s with you. One minute, you’re ignoring me and not talking to me, and the next you’re dragging me into some secret hallway and you’re looking at me all funny and I – I don’t know what to think about any of it! You – you kissed me last night and now it’s like… it’s like it never happened!”
Neil’s mouth was parted slightly, his face a mixture of confusion and hurt. He was frowning, and he’d dropped his eyes to the floor.
“Todd, I… I’m so sorry,” he said. He lifted his head again so Todd could see that he meant it. “I didn’t want to freak you out; I thought I might’ve stepped over a line, with how you were when we got back to the room and all. And I didn’t want to make you feel weird in front of the guys, so I guess I tried to stay away. I didn’t mean to upset you… I really am sorry.”
Todd took in his words. Neil’s eyes were like lasers through him, but he couldn’t look away. He knew he was being earnest – he could never be anything but that – but he quickly realised that he hadn’t planned this far ahead when he’d said all that before. Neil was still looking at him with so much sincerity. Todd suddenly became incredibly aware of his limp arms hanging down beside him.
“I don’t regret it, you know.” Neil had the faintest frown thread between his eyebrows. “I don’t want you to think I do.”
Todd opened his mouth, ever anxious of saying the right thing in this moment. The door suddenly opened beside them, and Hippolyta’s head popped through.
“Neil! What are you doing, you’re on in two minutes!” She noticed Todd and gave him a polite smile.
“I’ll be out in a second,” Neil said. She rolled her eyes and pointed at him with a joking scowl on her face. Neil mouthed a “sorry” to her as she shut the door again. He moved to go, but stopped right next to Todd. Todd held his breath.
“We’ll talk after this, ok? I promise.”
Todd didn’t know how to answer, so he just nodded. Neil remained there, unmoving. He glanced at the door, then quickly lifted Todd’s hand and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles. He smiled, looking right at him, and left. Todd was frozen for a moment, captured like a statue. He lifted his hand up to look at it, imagining a bright mark where Neil had kissed it. There was a light feeling in his stomach, almost like sickness, but he never wanted it to go away. He could still see Neil in front of him; his deep brown eyes, his cocky half-smile – a perfect picture printed in his head. He came back to himself then in a sudden rush and realised that he’d have to hurry to make it back to his seat in time for the curtain to come up. He shook himself before opening the door, but he was smiling the whole way back to his chair.