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When you’re not used to being happy, it’s presence in your life doesn’t calm you, or make you smile, it feels like a threat. Looming all over you, knowing that any time it could come all crashing down around you like a helicopter. Eddie Diaz knew all too well how easy that could happen. Maybe that’s why, the first time he met Buck, his uneasiness wasn’t due to the other man’s unfriendliness. Maybe he subconsciously knew, even then, that this man was going to be one of the most important people he would ever meet.
Earlier this year, he met a priest who told him to choose joy, that he was denying himself. It was hard to fathom that he was denying himself joy, when Buck infiltrates every single part of his life. Their toothbrushes stand in the same holder, their laundry gets mixed up with each other’s too often to count, and home-cooked meals are a staple in their home. Buck had been taking care of it when Chris and Eddie were gone, but now that they were back, they had fallen into living together like it was something they’d been doing for decades. It felt like that, easy and natural. At work too, Buck’s there. In every single part of his life that mattered, in his house, with his son, Buck is the constant.
Eddie doesn’t know when exactly they crossed the line from being friends into being more. Can you cross a line that was always blurry? Neither of them have said anything. His gay realisation didn’t make him panic, he was relieved. He could have Buck, hold him, love him, watch shitty movies together and play video games with their son, and that would be all that he ever needed. How could it change anything when they had always been weirdly codependent?
“Time for another one!” Buck says excitedly, his hand digging into the jar on the kitchen counter, full of fortune cookies. The one time Eddie doesn’t accompany him shopping, of course he comes back with fortune cookies. He also came back with too many cans of frosting and ingredients for far too many recipes that he couldn’t possibly have time to cook in the next few days, but of course he is going to try anyway.
“What do you expect it to say Buck? That you’re going to be rich? No you’re not, you just spent all your money on fortune cookies,” Eddie says in a tone that’s meant to be mocking, but he feels like all that comes out in his tone is his genuine fondness. When did he get so sappy? There’s not much he wouldn’t do if it meant that it would make Buck smile.
“Rude. And I don’t know what it’s going to say, that’s the fun part,” Buck says, gesturing the jar towards Eddie. “Here, you have to pick one too.”
“Why didn’t you try baking them yourself?” Eddie asks, putting his hand into the jar. His younger self would laugh at him if he could see him now, but Eddie is so foolishly in love that he’ll happily read a stupid fortune cookie if he gets to see Buck’s stupid smile. His feelings for Buck are starting to become somewhat of an occupational hazard. Even at work, he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from him, which isn’t exactly useful when they’re meant to be fighting fires.
“If I bake them myself, I’m going to know what the fortunes say,” Buck says, shooting Eddie a look as if it was obvious. “Then it’s no fun.”
Buck snaps open his cookie, shoving it in Eddie’s mouth before he can even protest, while Buck unfolds the piece of paper on the inside. The smile on his face disappears for a second, before he forces himself to smile again. If you didn’t know Buck, you wouldn’t notice. By now, Eddie knows all of Buck’s quirks. He knows he has a tendency to pretend that he’s happier than he is. “It won’t come true.”
Eddie frowns, surprised by how confident he is. The day before, the fortune had mentioned he was going to win a trip soon, and he was so confident that it was going to happen that he promised Eddie he would bring him and Chris too. Today, Buck gives up immediately. “Tell me what it said.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Buck says. “I know it’s not true.”
Eddie doesn’t care if it’s childish, he makes a dive for the note and rips it out of Buck’s hand before he’s even aware of what’s happening. It reminds him of when Buck made a dive for his iPad on the kitchen table, believing Eddie was casually looking at porn in the kitchen instead of houses. “Now let’s see what this says. True love is right in front of you.”
Oh. He’s disappointed. Buck loves him and he doesn’t believe that Eddie loves him back. He can see it now, written so clearly all over Buck’s face, his love for him. Maybe Eddie always knew too that Buck loves him back, because he doesn’t feel shocked by the realisation, just happy.
“Buck, why do you think it won’t come true?” Eddie asks.
“Because you’re straight,” Buck says, avoiding eye contact with Eddie. It’s almost comedic the way his eyes dart around the room, trying to avoid looking at Eddie in every way that’s possible.
“What if I wasn’t?” Eddie says, smiling at Buck. Seriously, sometimes he wonders how he is even in love with this oblivious idiot.
“Like in an alternate universe,” Buck says. “Sure Eds, in an alternative universe where you’re not straight, we’d be in love.” There’s a certain anger in his words, a frustration that Eddie isn’t used to hearing from him.
“Buck,” Eddie says, raising his voice ever so slightly to startle Buck into looking at him. It works. Eddie takes a step closer to Buck, thinking for a few seconds about how many memories they’ve had in this kitchen. From fights to cooking and mornings with Christopher, it’s not a place where he has to drink water. He can drink juice as much as he wants, and he overflows with it every time Buck is around. You can die from a broken heart, but can you die from loving too much? Eddie would have died years ago if that was possible.
“Not in an alternate universe. In this one. Do you love me?” Eddie says. They’re standing so close to one another now. Eddie’s resting his hand on Buck’s shoulder, his finger tips tapping against Buck’s t-shirt. Buck’s wearing his pink cardigan and Eddie is doing everything in his power to resist placing a kiss against his soft pink lips.
“I don’t want everything to change,” Buck says. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I don’t think I could live with that.”
“I love you,” Eddie says. “Not saying it doesn’t make it any less true. It’s always been true, before I even knew that I did.”
“No you don’t,” Buck says. “You must be confused.”
“Okay now you sound homophobic,” Eddie says with a small laugh. “I’m gay, not confused.”
Buck narrows his eyes at him. “Since when?”
“I mean, probably since forever Buck but I only realised recently. I had a conversation with a priest about choosing joy and he made me realise that joy is you,” Eddie says, with a small smile. Of course Buck would choose to be stubborn like this, it’s one of the things that Eddie loves most about him.
“Are you sure he was an actual priest? That seems like a random thing for a priest to give you advice on, and isn’t it a little odd that he was a priest who wasn’t hom-”
For the record, Eddie always loves hearing Buck talk, especially when he goes off on his random rambles and rants, but now that the words had left his mouth, he wasn’t in the mood to be patient and his lips landed against Buck’s. They were soft and minty from his toothpaste. Eddie holds Buck’s chin in his chest as he pulls himself away.
“Right in front of you,” Eddie says, interlocking his hands with Buck’s. “So you can try to push me away as much as you want, but I will always catch you.”
“You said that before when I was stuck in that building, before I ziplined over to you,” Buck says, smiling. “I guess true love is right in front of me.”
“Are you going to say it,” Eddie says, fidgeting with the skin at the side of his fingernails. “I mean, I know that it’s true, but I need to hear you say it before I can believe it.”
“I love you,” Buck says. “In this universe. Probably in every single one.”
“I promise you, I am not going anywhere,” Eddie says, placing another soft kiss on Buck’s lips. How could he have spent so much of his life going without this?
Buck pushes Eddie away. “I would love to continue kissing you, but I am going to die of suspense if I don’t find out what that cookie says.”
Eddie grins, cracking open the cookie. He doesn’t need any luck anymore, but what Buck wants, Buck gets. “Good things are coming.”
“I can think of a few things that could be coming,” Buck says, a cheeky smile on his face as he wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist, pulling him in closer.
“Thank God Chris is at a sleepover,” Eddie says with a small smile, putting his hand out for Buck, who excitedly grabs it and starts dragging him towards their bedroom. He should be scared, his first time with a man, but all Eddie feels is happiness, like it was always meant to work out this way. It’s peaceful, knowing that everything has worked out the way he wanted it to, that his true love has always been right in front of him.