Work Text:
“Wait, where are you going? Come back!” a young woman’s voice called.
“I’m sorry!” Todomatsu cried out as he stumbled away from the love motel. “I just can’t do this, I’m really sorry!”
Todomatsu ran and ran, shoes pounding the pavement as if he were evading a hungry predator. His lungs felt like they were being slammed into walls and his heart seemed to want to jump out of his throat, but he ignored his body’s screams for rest and kept running into the city. He only stopped once he recognized the shopping district. He rested himself against the dark, closed Sutabaa building, and collapsed to the ground as he caught his breath.
What was he doing? After all of the recent family drama, something good was finally happening to him, and he was throwing it out the window. It had been almost two weeks since Todomatsu moved out of the house and started living in his own place. His small, rundown, possibly-haunted place. He’d been alone all that time, cowering in fear at the darkness that the light of his phone could only fend off for so long. (Why did his charger seem to work at only half-capacity in that building, anyway?) Then, after forcing himself back on his feet and jumping back into the flirting game, he’d finally scored a few dates with a nice girl from the city. Now, they’d finally reached a point where she was willing to have sex with him, and he was so ready to finally lose his virginity and maybe move up two ranks as a human being…
But the closer her naked body got to his, the more he felt…scared. Out of breath. Nauseas, even. He’d tried to convince himself that he was just being nervous, it was his first time, everyone got like this when it happened; now calm down and be a man. His goddamn virginity was on the line. He’d been waiting, praying, dying for this opportunity for a long time, and here it was, right in front of him, ready for the taking!
So why did it feel so wrong?
Why had he felt like he was going to throw up? Why had he told her to stop? Why had he frantically scrambled out from underneath her body and fumbled for his clothes? Why had he told her he wasn’t feeling well and asked to try again another time? Why had he bolted from the love motel without any warning, leaving her there by herself?
Was it bad timing? The wrong atmosphere? The wrong girl? What exactly had he, Matsuno Todomatsu, done to the universe that some higher cosmic power decided he should get the urge to puke when a naked woman tried to touch him?
Todomatsu leaned back and allowed his body to pull in deep breaths. His stomach and chest hurt, his throat was prepared to gag, and he felt like he was dying. Part of him wished he had a bottle of water to drink, but he feared he wouldn’t be able to keep even that down. So he closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing as he recomposed himself.
After about fifteen minutes, his breathing relaxed and the stomach pains went away. Feeling rested enough, he pulled out his phone. He really needed to talk to someone right now. He opened his contacts, but had to stop himself from selecting “Home.” Who else would be there to answer the phone except his parents and the guy who gave him a black eye? Todomatsu loved his mom and dad, but he couldn’t bring himself to visit them, what made him think a call would suffice? He didn’t want to give either of them any indication of being unable to handle adult life. He wanted to prove to them that he could do this. And to him, that meant not talking to them for a while. So Todomatsu glanced through the rest of his contacts—he had a lot of numbers he didn’t even keep in touch with and should probably delete—until his eyes stopped on one person in particular.
Todomatsu really didn’t want to call him of all people right now, but none of Todomatsu’s brothers had access to a phone that he knew of—and even if he could bring himself to call home, he highly doubted Osomatsu was up for a friendly chat. He was utterly alone and needed somebody right now, someone to talk to for at least one minute. Even if it had to be him, that perfect showoff of an asshole. So he hit “Call” and held his breath.
Todomatsu was convinced he was having a panic attack for every ring that wasn’t immediately followed by an answer.
“Hello?”
Said panic attacks collapsed into jumbled relief. “Ah! H-hey, Atsushi-kun!”
“Matsuno-kun?” Atsushi paused to yawn. “It’s awfully late, is something wrong?”
“N-no, of course not!” he lied. “I just, uh…this may sound stupid to be asking at 2 in the morning, but…are we still on for that mixer tomorrow night?”
“Eh? No, that isn’t stupid at all, but I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to make it.”
Oh, that was right. Shortly before Choromatsu broke the news about his new job and chaos ensued, Atsushi had invited Todomatsu to go with him to another upcoming mixer. Todomatsu, still bitter from the last one he’d gone to with Atsushi, had put on his lying face and said that he would be far too busy finishing a term paper for his university class. (His friends actually still believed he was a Keio student living the high life, ha!)
“Oh! W-well, uh…I stayed up a little later than normal and managed to finish my paper just now! So, I actually do have some free time tomorrow if you still need a plus-one for the mixer, heh.”
After the last mixer—the one his brothers had fought to accompany him to—Todomatsu was left feeling so bitter and jealous that he’d decided to take a break from interacting with Atsushi for a while.
Atsushi: the man who was everything Todomatsu was not, the man who bragged about his lavish lifestyle and “special someone” around Todomatsu at every chance given to him. Atsushi was a working salaryman with nice clothes, a nice car, and a nice apartment. Todomatsu was a lazy NEET who wore a jumpsuit, didn’t know how to drive, and still lived with his parents and five identical 20-something brothers. Or he used to, at least. Now he was a jobless fraud who lived in a run-down apartment complex that he was convinced was haunted.
He couldn’t help but grit his teeth. Why did Atsushi even bother going to mixers if he turned down every girl who flirted with him? Was he that obsessed with bragging about his success and his “special someone” to the world? Atsushi was such an asshole, always prying Todomatsu for the best date locations and buying him things to get on his good side. Where he was flawed, Atsushi was perfect. And it sickened him.
But right now, that perfect asshole was all he had.
“Well…it’s a little short notice, but I think it could work. I was actually going to invite Shittysuke or Normalmaru, but they both said they had other plans.”
“Alright! So, pick me up at the same place as last time, okay?”
“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow, Matsuno-kun.”
“G’night!” Todomatsu hit “End Call” and hung his head.
All he ever seemed to do was lie and keep secrets. He hid his social life from his brothers. He lied to his friends about his home life. The first time he went to a mixer with Atsushi, Todomatsu asked him to pick him up in the city, away from his horrible brothers that seemed less horrible every minute he spent without them. Hell, he lied to his family about how he got his black eye, and kept up that lie regardless of whether or not they had figured it out for themselves.
Speaking of black eyes, if he was going to a mixer, he’d need to cover that up. And if he wanted to have any energy at all to get ready tomorrow, he’d have to head back to his place.
Todomatsu reached into his pants pocket, only for a look of horror to spread across his face. His last remaining train ticket must’ve fallen out of his pocket as he was frantically getting dressed. He was going to have to walk. Well, at least he had the physical endurance for such a trip. He supposed climbing Mt. Fuji prepared one for these kinds of things.
Todomatsu sighed, tapped on his phone’s flashlight app, and started walking. He really hoped his battery would survive the trek.
-
The two men entered the apartment, laughing in their own different definitions of indoor voices.
“Seriously, what was up with that one girl?” Todomatsu slurred. “Leopard-frame sunglasses? Indoors? How painful!”
To Todomatsu’s surprise, the mixer had gone remarkably well! Even if he hadn’t quite gotten any girls’ numbers—which may or may not have been influenced by his less-than-pleasant encounter from the previous night—he still had fun. He’d gone out and socialized. He was on much better terms with Atsushi than before. He felt great. Though, it struck him that a few of those factors could have been influenced by his copious drinking. He wasn’t a lightweight, but he didn’t usually drink this much, either. He just needed to feel good after so much drama, and he did! And even better, his makeup held up the entire night. No one even suspected him of having bags or dark circles, much less any injuries!
“Everyone’s entitled to their own fashion tastes, Todomatsu-kun,” Atsushi chuckled as he set his jacket over the back of his long, curved couch. He was hardly even tipsy, having not consumed nearly as much alcohol as the younger man.
“The other girl was kinda cute though, the one with the blonde hair. I would’ve hit her up, but I was, ah, too out of her league, y’know? ‘Sides, she seemed pretty interested in you~!”
“Well, flattered as I was, I told her I already had eyes for someone else. I don’t really go to mixers to find a date, I just like to be social and meet new people.”
Todomatsu scoffed. “But yeah, did you see that one guy in the purple and blue scarf? What a stupid hipster!”
Atsushi smiled and rolled his eyes. “I thought he looked handsome.”
Todomatsu snickered. “Wow, you’re gay.”
“And?” he asked playfully.
Todomatsu blinked. “And what?”
“What about me being gay?”
“Nothing.” He giggled again. “You’re just…so perfect. Perfect job, perfect car, perfect clothes, perfect, perfect, perfect. It drives me nuts.”
“And being perfect makes me gay, then?”
He puffed. “Maybe~” he sloshed in a cutesy tone. “Don’t tell your ‘special someone’, though, she might get jealous!”
“Oh, I don’t think he’ll mind,” Atsushi purred, “Perhaps, once he’s sobered up, he’d like to join this so-called ‘perfect man’ for a little one-on-one time?”
Todomatsu didn’t answer immediately. Then he burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Atsushi asked, his tone faintly subdued.
“The way you said it, you made it sound like your ‘special someone’ was a guy! Like you were talking about me!” He chortled again, supporting himself against the door.
“…I was referring to you, though.”
Todomatsu stopped laughing. “Wh…what?”
Atsushi raised his hands nervously. “Oh! I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume you were interested. I thought I was being forward with my intentions…I can drive you home right now if you want—”
“No, stop, stop. Did—did you just flirt with me?”
“…Yes? Not to be blunt, but I have been doing it for a while… Am I making you uncomfortable, Todomatsu-kun? I can stop if you want me to—”
Todomatsu’s mind immediately began to sober up. “Wait, wait, wait! Atsushi-kun…are…are you actually gay?”
Atsushi’s eyelids rose and his face lit up a bright red. “I…you didn’t know?”
“No! I had no idea!”
“But, I thought you knew! And, I thought you were…oh no.” Atsushi cupped his face in his hands and fell to the seat of the couch. “Oh no, all this time, I assumed you were gay too. Oh, no…I am so, so sorry about all this, Todomatsu-kun. I just assumed you knew I was flirting with you, and that you were returning it…it never even crossed my mind to ask you how you felt!”
“H-Hey, calm down!” Todomatsu nervously reassured, waving his hands in front of him. He sat beside the other man on the curved end of the couch. “I mean, I knew I was cute, but I never thought guys would actually be into me like that!”
Atsushi relaxed somewhat, and let out a chuckle. “Well, if you don’t mind me saying, I find it hard to believe that any man wouldn’t be charmed by you.”
Todomatsu placed a hand on the back of his neck and let out a sheepish laugh as his cheeks turned pink. “You really mean that? Wow…I’ve definitely never gotten a compliment like that before…” Todomatsu sighed. “What a hell of a thing to say to someone who can’t even handle basic affection.”
“What do you mean?”
Todomatsu’s face tensed slightly, his eyes looking only at the floor. Was he really going to talk about this? It felt so awkward and embarrassing to bring up. But if Atsushi could be this open about something as personal as his sexuality…what did he have to lose? “Last night…I had a bad night with this girl.”
“What happened?”
Todomatsu pulled his hat off of his head and fiddled with it. “We’d been on a few dates before… She was a nice person, but…when we were at the love motel, and she was leaning over me…I thought I was just nervous. But I was really scared. I thought I was going to throw up and have a heart attack and die all at once. So I…I just…I couldn’t do it…!” He tightened his grip on the brim of the hat, and his body began to tremble. “I’ve wanted this for so long! So long!! I tried, I tried to make myself do it, but…I couldn’t…I just…couldn’t!!”
Todomatsu set his hands on the couch and began to sob, very real tears falling down his face. Atsushi looked at Todomatsu with concern and worry, then glanced down at his hand, laying achingly close to his own. He gently took it, holding it as gingerly in his hands as he could. Todomatsu didn’t seem to indicate that the touch scared him, so that was good.
“Todomatsu-kun…I’m so sorry,” he soothed. “The pressure you felt must have been terrifying. No one should ever go into an intimate space feeling scared like that.”
The younger man hiccupped. “Thank you…” He sniffled. “I really wish you weren’t seeing me like this right now, though. I sound like such a wreck. But, seriously, I can’t thank you enough.”
They sat there in a momentary silence, Todomatsu just letting his sobs die down and allowing Atsushi to hold his hand. It felt so good to have someone there to comfort him like this. In a way, it reminded him of home.
Atsushi was the first to break the silence. “Todomatsu-kun?”
He sniffled again. “Hm?”
“I apologize if this sounds rather sudden, but…have you ever had certain ‘thoughts’ for another man the way you would a woman?”
Todomatsu shifted nervously. “Not really…but, to be honest, it’s not something that’s ever crossed my mind, either…”
“…Would you like to try?”
Todomatsu looked up at Atsushi with a face like a deer in the headlights. Oh god, he said it. He was actually suggesting what he thought he was suggesting. Todomatsu honestly didn’t want to believe that what he was considering could be true. But it occurred to him that, perhaps, the reason why he couldn’t make himself get intimate the other night was because he was trying to do it with the wrong kind of person.
Weighing his options, he supposed that he would rather lose his virginity in a gay way than not lose it at all.
Todomatsu swallowed, “Okay,” and allowed Atsushi to lean into him.
His heart started racing again, but not quite with the same fear as before.
-
In the end, the most they had achieved was foreplay that descended into cuddles. Although Todomatsu wanted to try to go further, Atsushi could tell he was still too shaken up from the previous night to go any further, and insisted they stop for his sake.
So they laid there for a while, just spooning on the large couch. Todomatsu remained quiet in Atsushi’s embrace for a while, not entirely sure what to say as his mind was registering the fact that he just made out with another man. A man who had been referring to him as his “special someone” for almost two months. Holy shit, his cheeks were on fire.
It was Atsushi who tried to strike up a calm, casual conversation, and although they stumbled through it awkwardly at first, they managed to work their way back to a tone they would have shared when they’d become friends. This was when Todomatsu caught onto something: for someone who had a lot of wealth, Atsushi was very humble. As he made conversation, his words seemed like they were arranged a bit clumsily, but the emotional intent was visible behind them nonetheless.
Then it hit him.
Intimacy. That was Atsushi’s flaw. He might have been a social butterfly at work and mixers, but when he was in a position with someone he had intimate feelings for, his intentions may have been there, but he had difficulty expressing those emotions with clarity and confidence. At least, that was what it looked like to Todomatsu. He smirked. So Mr. Perfect wasn’t so flawless after all. In that regard, Atsushi reminded him of Ichimatsu, only far more successful in life and not constantly reeking of ammonia.
“But, I’m still so confused,” said Todomatsu. “I thought I liked girls, and I want to believe that I still do! I like flirting with them and buying them things. But, when I tried to sleep with this girl…everything felt wrong. I wanted to throw up. But that, just now, that was…amazing.”
“It’s possible that you might not be gay or straight. You could be bisexual.”
Todomatsu shot up in his seat. “Those people actually exist?!”
“Todomatsu-kun!”
“Ahah, I’m kidding, I’m kidding!”
Atsushi sighed and sat up himself. “Listen, if we’re going to do this, I’m going to have to tell you what is and isn’t appropriate to say. I can’t have you saying things like that around Normalmaru.”
“Normalmaru is bi?!”
Atsushi smirked knowingly. “You aren’t the only one who keeps their personal life a secret out of fear.”
Todomatsu looked down at his lap. “I always thought he was kinda hard to talk to, but… Do the things I say really scare him that much?”
“It isn’t just you, Todomatsu-kun. The world has made a lot of progress with tolerance and acceptance, but there are still people out there who either don’t know these things yet, or refuse to learn. Often, I found myself dealing with the latter.”
Dealing with what? He couldn’t possibly mean…had Atsushi been bullied for having intimate thoughts about guys?
“Atsushi-kun?”
“Let’s just say, I’m glad I moved to this city after high school. Besides, if I hadn’t, I never would have met you.”
Todomatsu wiped at his eyes. “Atsushi-kun…”
Atsushi gasped suddenly. “Is that a black eye??”
Todomatsu, suddenly realizing his mistake, drew one hand back into his lap and tried to cup the other around his left eye. “Oh, uh, this…?”
“Did someone hurt you?” Atsushi asked, his voice filling with uneasiness.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine. It was just my brother being a dick. Of course, if he’d just been there for Choromatsu-nii-san instead of pretending the world revolves around him, neither of us would’ve gotten our faces messed up…” And now he was openly talking about his brothers in front of Atsushi. Great follow-up.
“Why were you fighting with your brother?”
“Because he was being an asshole!”
Atsushi seemed to shrink back a bit at the raised tone of voice. Todomatsu quickly noticed this and calmed himself.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just had it up to here with him.”
“Deep breaths, Todomatsu-kun,” Atsushi said consolingly, a hand placed on the younger man’s shoulder.
Todomatsu did as instructed, a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, before he proceeded. “We were celebrating Choromatsu-nii-san’s new job and apartment, being supportive, and all that. And what happens? Jyushimatsu-nii-san gets a little too excited, bumps into him and accidentally makes him drop his sushi, and he decides to just fucking kick him into the wall! And the next day, when Choromatsu-nii-san was leaving, he didn’t bother coming down to say goodbye. So I rolled up a magazine and smacked him, because he deserved it. What a man-child, thinking I’M the one who deserves a black eye. I used to look up to him. Now he can burn alive for all I care!”
Atsushi wanted to tell Todomatsu not to say such things, that surely his brother was just struggling with mixed emotions and would see the error of his behavior as time passed. But he had no way of knowing that. For all he knew, this Osomatsu could have hurt his brothers before. He could have hurt Todomatsu before.
“Where are you living right now?”
“A-ah…” Todomatsu sighed. He’d already started to spill bigger truths, why stop now? “This dingy little place outside of town. Pretty sure there’s a dead serial killer in the bathroom.”
“Hmm…” Atsushi stood up and stepped out so that he was properly facing Todomatsu. “I think I have a solution. You can move in with me, and I can try to put in a good word for you at my workplace. That way you’ll have a safe place to live and a job to help you keep it. And even if that doesn’t work out, I’d gladly help you put together a resume.”
“Atsushi-kun…! You really don’t have to—”
“It’s no trouble at all. You sounded stressed out on the phone the other night.”
Todomatsu sighed. “How can you be so nice to people?”
Atsushi smiled. “Kindness always perseveres.”
Then he gestured for Todomatsu to follow him down the short hall. The two of them stepped into a large bedroom the likes of which Todomatsu had only ever seen pictures of online. A huge bed, a huge window, a closet the length of the wall…everything was gorgeous. Atsushi opened the closet as Todomatsu sat and bounced in place on the plush bed.
“You can wear this until we go back for your things,” Atsushi said, pulling out two pairs of pajamas and handing one of them to Todomatsu.
He inspected them with great care and curiosity. Soft as silk should be, and milky beige in color…it oozed class and sent a shiver down his spine. Good thing he wasn’t Jyushimatsu, he’d really hate to get a boner over simple things like this in front of the guy that he may or may not have begun to develop legit feelings for.
As he changed in the bathroom, he heard Atsushi speak up again: “My bed is big enough for two people, but if you want space, I have a spare futon in the closet.”
“No, no, that's okay,” he answered through the fabric of the pajama shirt he was slipping on, “A bed sounds nice, actually!”
“Alright then.”
Todomatsu stepped out of the bathroom, seeing that Atsushi was already dressed for bed and pulling back the comforter. He slipped under the sheets on the left while Todomatsu climbed into the space on the right.
“Are you comfortable?”
“Uwah~” Todomatsu nodded vigorously. “It feels like one big pillow!”
Atsushi chuckled. “I’m glad you like it.” He reached over to the lamp on the desk and turned out the light. “Goodnight.”
“…Atsushi-kun?”
“Hm?”
Todomatsu looked him fretfully in the eyes. “…Can you hold my hand?”
Atsushi smiled warmly. “Of course.”
Todomatsu released all the tension he didn’t realize his body was holding as Atsushi took his hand. It wasn’t like home, but at least he had someone there with him.
And, with that sense of familiarity, he fell into a peaceful sleep.