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For one whole year, he’s stuck on the mountain.
For almost as long, he is not allowed to strain his eyes in any capacity.
He’s told that his eyes might reject him, and as of now, they’re the only thing he has left of him, so he would not allow them any chance of doing so. Even if that means bottling up any and all feelings he has and forcing them deep into the darkest recesses of himself.
For a lot of his time up there, he spends it as blind as he had been after the massacre at Baixue Temple, and all the while he thinks about how this is what he is experiencing, but far worse, for he doesn’t get to have this small space to map out, instead, he’s somewhere out there, travelling through pathways and villages he is unable to see.
Maybe he finds a place to take root, perhaps he waits for his return? It’s wishful thinking for he knows that neither one of them would ever stick in one place unless there was a proper reason, but the fantasy uplifts his spirits just enough to get him through to the next day.
When he is told that he is fully healed and only needs to stay another week or two, Song Lan is finally able to cry, and he cries harder than he ever has before as the feelings he has suppressed for almost a year burst forth. He cries for the loss of his family, for the disciples he grew up with, and he most certainly would never tell anyone, but he cries most over the loss of him, a loss that feels entirely his fault.
The memory of their final conversation, their final argument, plays on loop constantly in his mind during that year and the day he is told he is able to leave and though unsaid, that he should leave, he makes no complaint and begins the descent.
Leaving behind the mountain that had both physically separated him from his other half and somehow sewn him so closely in a way that he is unsure he will ever be able to fully accept.
–
It’s hard not to see him everywhere.
To easy was it to mistake a fluttering of white fabric from someone else's robes for the same that he was always adorned in. Robes that moved as swiftly as the man who wore them, flowing as gently as the water's currents, weaving back and forth through the crowds.
But they are never him.
Never are they trimmed with swirls of black.
It breaks his heart every time he lets himself pretend.
Pretend that everything is alright, that the two of them are still side by side, still carrying the dream of laying roots of a shared Sect.
That he is merely just around the corner, or perhaps he’s gone to explore the stalls of the market, picking up something that the two of them will share at their camp later in the night. Some local confection, or perhaps a new story, maybe even some silly trinket that he will complain about, as they should be keeping their bags light, and yet he’ll still agree to keep it anyway.
He shakes his head and presses onwards.
Perhaps in the next village over… The next path… The next forest…
In another lifetime, will they meet again?
–
A sudden, horrifying realization overcomes him.
No longer would his eyes sparkle the way they had.
Nor would they stare back at him in the way they’d done before, the flicker of light that hinted at a mischief that only he could think up.
There would be no warm glow in them as they looked at him, in a way that he sometimes wondered if they held the same feelings that grew deep in his own chest.
Instead, they were dull of the life that they once belonged to, weary and tearful as the thought hit him.
Song Lan took a stilted breath, pushing himself away from the pool of water he’d only meant to check to see if it would be alright to bathe in. Instead, it appeared overly reflective and revealed more than he had wanted, or maybe he’d just managed to avoid gazing down into anything reflective until this very moment.
He tightly shut them, shaky gasps escaping from his lips as he tried to halt the feelings, it was too much.
Folding in on himself, he clutched his head tightly as the tears slipped down his cheeks regardless of his attempts to stop them.
Why. Why. WHY.
Why had he said those words? Pushed him away?
Why couldn’t he find him?
Why couldn’t everything be as it was?
It took some moments to collect himself, and as the pieces of his heart scattered on the wind, he pushed himself to his feet and found himself once more on the road in search of his other half.