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He had thought a simple life would be nigh impossible for him, that settling down and going about everyday with no adventure or excitement would drive him completely mad, but now looking around the living room, at the clunking and chattering that was almost a constant companion in the Noble household, he realized how wrong he was.
Silvia was at the dinning room table helping Rose with essay composition, the effort of trying the best she could not to get irritated clear on her face, and Donna was rummaging around the cupboards in the living room trying to find the CD she was looking for.
"How have you never seen The Princess Bride? It's a classic!"
The Doctor looked over at Shaun, who Donna's statement was aimed at, and was looking fairly squeamish at being accused of such travesty for the third time in five minutes.
"Are you sure we even have it? We could just put on a Marvel movie-"
"Nope. You are watching The Princess Bride and that's final."
There was no budging her on this matter, so Shaun sat back and watched her continue to disorganize every drawer with a fond smile on his face. The Doctor knew Donna was in a lighthearted mood despite the tone of voice, but for his own well-being, he still opted not to disclose that he too hadn't seen it. After all, they didn't have anything to do for the rest of the night and if it made Donna happy then they would watch the movie.
He had been with the Nobles for about five weeks now, it had been a bit of a hassle getting acquainted with this new life, they had lost their original house after all, and with the money he had earned from UNIT, accompanied with Donna's salary, they could afford to buy a house large enough for everyone. They had also found a good school for Rose nearby, and the neighborhood was relatively well known by everyone. He should thank Kate for her consideration and care next time he sees her for he doubted that she hadn't intervened even a little bit.
As for him, well, he had surprised even himself with how well adjusted he had become. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to actually breathe. To feel the weight of being in constant danger lifted off of his chest, no longer running, no longer going on mission after mission. Donna had been right, he really had exhausted himself. This new feeling of calm, of growth, felt good.
"Aha!" Donna exclaimed, the glee of success radiating off of her as she held the disk proudly in her hand. “Right, now I’ll need you to help me place the CD player.” pointing at him.
“Yep. Okay.” He was fairly certain she could have plugged the device in all by herself, but still got up and helped her.
It was a very tacky thing he thought “Wow, it’s so nice seeing the beginning stages of human technology.” He said sarcastically with a small smile on his face. It might have been the product of seeing all kinds of electronics throughout all of history, but he had a rather soft spot for the more “primitive” ones that paved the way for the rest.
“Yeah, it’s not exactly advanced but I’m pretty sure it should work. Besides, we don’t even use it often.” She said and wacked it, the motion was followed by a puff of dust.
“That’s pretty evident.” He supplied and got an annoyed look in return.
He positioned it, and maybe it was his own fault for getting too comfortable and too relaxed in this new life, because as he tried to plug the device in a spark flew out, loud, sudden and unexpected, catching him off guard and making him flinch. He immediately drew his hand back but the sound was still echoing in his ears, sharp, electric, dangerous.
The noise pierced his brain and clouded his thoughts, making his body go stiff as he felt metallic hands starting to reach for him.
Metallic footsteps began drumming all around him, closing him in. This was not good. He had to get out now. He needed to run. The thought spread into every cell of his body and lit it on fire. Fear and panic gripped him and burrowed themselves deep into his bones, turning them into puddle. He needed to run. The hairs on the back of his neck had stood out and there were metallic faces all around him, once people, now cold-blooded killing machines. And they were coming for him. They were coming for Rose. And for Martha. And for Donna. And for every human on Earth with nothing to stop them.
And their voices... Oh God their voices, devoid of any emotion or sense of humanity. Dead. They were coming for him now and there was nothing he could do, they had him trapped with no way out. All he could hear around him was the mortifying sound of metal, scraping and grating, so sharp it felt like a dagger was slicing his brain, cutting it to pieces and depriving him of the ability to think rationally, leaving him only with the primal instincts his body possessed. He needed to run, but he was frozen in place, his terror holding him in a vice, unbreakable grip.
He tried to call out for help, someone, anyone, but he couldn’t, his voice was gone, trampled by the cacophony of marching footsteps that surrounded him from every side, each beat making his frantic hearts beat even faster, racking his body and immobilizing him entirely, unable to move, unable to save himself. Every step was crushing the scattered pieces that were once his soul, leaving in their place a dark crevice that was eating him from the inside and filling every fiber of his being with fear.
Run.
Run.
Run!
He tried to get away but there was nothing he could do, they were right above him now, metallic hands closing in from every direction, caging him in. And he was scared, he was so scared, the horror of their faces felt like poison seeping into his very core, acidic and vile, destroying, burning, and skewering everything it touched. He tried to scream, but there was nothing he could do. They were going to kill him, then they would destroy all of humanity and he was completely powerless to stop them.
They were now holding him down and somewhere in the distance he heard screams, agonized, tortured, horrifying screams. They had him in their grip and they weren’t letting go. His ears were ringing, his body was shaking and all he could do was silently wish for them to stop. Electricity was zapping all around him and he knew this was going to be it. He wanted to howl. He wanted to escape. He wanted to run.
Curled in on himself, all he could do was wait for his inevitable end, for those cold, dead, metal hands to snuff him out.
But… they didn’t…
…He was still breathing. Why was he still breathing? Why haven’t they killed him yet? Confused, he dared to raise his head from where it was shielded by his hands and scanned his surroundings.
The first thing his eyes laid on were the metallic hands that were holding him and he flinched back, trying to get away. Only… they weren’t metal. They were human hands. That was human skin. Warm, soft human skin.
It took him a moment to realize that it really was a human that was touching him. His gaze trailed up, towards the face that was so close to his own and met blue eyes framed by red hair.
Even with his vision slightly blurry he could recognize his best friend anywhere. No cybermen in sight, it was just her and her mouth was moving, she was saying something. He tried to clear his mind and the words slowly started to reach his ears.
“There we go. It’s okay. You’re alright.” She was saying, repeating different phrases used for comfort. He took a shaky breath and let her voice wash over him, settling his nerves, bringing him back to reality. After a few minutes, he was able to really take in the room. He was sitting on the floor a couple of feet away from the TV, curled in on himself with his knees pressed tight to his chest and his back pressed firmly against the wall, still at the Noble household then with no one else in the room but her.
Almost as if Donna read his thoughts she said “It’s just you and me, I sent Shaun, Rose and mum upstairs. It’s just us, no one else is here.” And she was right, it was quiet, so awfully quiet, nothing like what he thought he had heard was happening. No one was attacking them. There was no one here but them.
Oh, no.
How had he mistaken the situation so terribly? Just one ordinary CD player had reduced him to a panicky mess, and he almost crumbled from the sheer embarrassment and shame of being seen in this state. There were no monsters in sight, there was no threat to watch out for. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. It was just them. There was no one else here.
He felt Donna gently stroke her thumb against the back of his hand. Noticing, he instantly unfurled himself from that position, focusing his attention on his friend. “I’m okay now, it was nothing.” He added, not expecting the rasp his voice had acquired nor did he anticipate speaking to be such a difficult task to do, but he still gave what he hoped was a gentle smile rather than a weak grimace.
The expression on her face was unreadable, a mixture of calm, care, worry and what he supposed was sadness. The last thing he wanted was to see her sad, so he tried to lift himself up and prove that everything was fine only to realize how much of a heavy task it was to do when his limbs were shaking like flowers on a winter’s day.
“No. Wait.” She had also had the displeasure of seeing him fail to stand. Wonderful. But, her words did have him sit down again, not that he would have been able to stand up anyway.
The next thing she did was slowly and carefully bring her hand to his face, gently resting it there and providing a solid surface he could anchor himself to. He watched her do it, not knowing how to respond in a situation like this. Then she brought her other hand to the other side and cradled his face, diverting his gaze directly on her, obscuring the rest of the world around him. She let a few seconds pass like this before she slowly brought her forehead to rest against his.
The silence made him painfully aware of how much he was trembling and how much difficulty he was having breathing. The contact was very intimate, though it wasn’t suffocating. It gave him the freedom to compose himself together, rather than fleeing and pumping even more adrenaline into his veins. It didn’t make him feel trapped, or awkward, or inappropriate. It was rather lovely. He hadn’t felt such closeness in a very long time. Even with Rose, he had never ever been this exposed or vulnerable around her.
And Donna didn’t judge him, she didn’t pity him, or act as though he was a burden. He was surprised that he was grateful she was here, and something very deep down inside him twitched at that, something so buried and neglected he had forgotten it’s existence. He brought his hand up and wrapped it around her wrist, reciprocating the touch.
Noticing that, Donna slowly started to caress his face, her ministrations tender as she stroked it with her thumbs “It’s okay. You’re okay.” She whispered quietly.
And something in him broke.
He sagged forward, his muscles weak and his body exhausted, not able to keep him up anymore, directly onto her shoulder. She caught him and immediately wrapped her arms around him, holding him firmly. He hugged her back and buried his face in the space between her shoulder and neck, nuzzling in deeply and clutched onto her as tight as he could, his hands fiercely gripping her shirt, desperate for her closeness.
There was something in him, afraid and vulnerable, that clung to her like a magnet, unable to be restrained after it’s been kept in the dark for so long. He felt a hand rest at the back of his head, not constricting, but it was there right enough and like a bullet out of a gun a whimper escaped him. Wretched, pained and pitiful. He couldn’t stop it.
To his gratitude Donna only held him tighter. Then came another one, then another, and before he knew it he was heaving in breaths.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry.” He heard himself gasping into her shoulder, his body shaking with tremors. He didn’t know why he was saying that, but it felt like it was the right thing to say since it was probably his fault, whatever it was.
“No. No, don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. You had a panic attack and there’s no shame or embarrassment in that. You are one of the strongest people I know. You did nothing wrong and you have absolutely nothing to apologize for, do you hear me?” he stopped blabbering and let her words fill the air. “Having a panic attack happens and we can’t control it. That doesn’t mean we are weak. It’s just something that happens after we’ve been through something horrible, it’s only a response of your body still trying to keep you safe. There’s no shame in that. Even for you.”
Her last words lingered on in his mind like a distant echo, running on loop over and over. Yes, he knows the things she’s saying are true, it was only basic biology, but the way she said the last sentence really struck him because it was clear she wasn’t implying that he thinks himself higher than the rest and that he believes he isn't supposed to feel those things and be unreachable in that regard. He knew he wasn’t, he had learned that lesson a long time ago.
No, what she was saying was exactly the thing he dreaded most. She was exposing the deep secret he had been trying to hide almost all his life, the villain he could never face up against, that he could never beat, only subdue as best he can. She was revealing his belief that he’s weaker than the rest, his conviction that he was breakable. A failure, and was only trying to mask it behind a façade of intimidating confidence.
It only took a few weeks, just a few weeks of rest and safety, for him to realize he’s not as unshakeable as he wanted to pretend to be. Now his inhibitions were being brought to light, served to all of the world on a silver platter, the most vulnerable part of his soul left defenseless, ready to be mocked, judged and demeaned.
And yet… that wasn’t happening. He was more vulnerable than he had ever been in centuries, and all Donna was doing was holding him close, and telling him he’s not weak, but rather strong and resilient. That he’s still a person with feelings and emotions and that it was normal for him to be experiencing them.
It felt really good. Knowing that he was with a friend, someone who wasn’t going to hurt him and that it was just his body reacting and not him being fragile and pathetic. That it was only a biological response to something that’s happened to him and not him being too delicate and meek.
Donna continued with similar phrases and sentences, all meant for comfort, and all born out of care, until the Doctor had slowly quietened. All this time he had been putting up walls, barriers, shields to protect himself from harm, but in the process he had been keeping away love that would never inflict it on him. Her embrace was something he had desperately needed for so long and he was only now realizing it as he felt Donna’s arms around him, a steady anchor, a protector, a friend. In her arms it felt like nothing in the world could get to him, as though nothing would dare touch him and he was free to let go of all his fears and worries.
Being held like this by her felt like floating through a meadow, a meadow of maple trees and grass littered with freshly fallen leaves. The auburn complexion of the field contrasted by the clear blue skies above, pierced with a yellow and violet spectrum of rays that belonged to an autumn sun getting ready for a long restful sleep.
He could almost imagine he was walking through it, the leaves crunching beneath his feet and the forest parting to let him in, the shadows it created hiding him from the rest of the world and shrouding him entirely. There was nothing dangerous there, no beasts or creatures that would pray on him. The gaps in the tree tops were allowing a few sunrays to sneak in, he could picture them falling on his face, warming him up, the sensation like being kissed by fire, soft and gentle, colors flickering behind his eyelids when he turned towards them.
It felt like home.
He allowed himself some reprieve in that forest, the time there unconsciously transferred the feeling of safety to his body and he realized he had relaxed.
He wasn’t sure if he stopped listening or if Donna stopped speaking, but at one point his hands had fallen to the ground, not having the strength to hold on anymore, and with his face burrowed deep in her shoulder all he could see was the meadow, it’s image being conjured in his mind made easier by the pitch black darkness he was currently staring at.
It had grown silent with just the two of them in the room and being turned away like this heightened the rest of his senses. He could smell Donna’s hair from this close, a mixture of coconut and cinnamon, he breathed in deeply and let the comforting, familiar smell calm his nerves. He could feel her touch more acutely now. Her warmth seeped into him and every part of him that was in contact with her was loosening tension.
How long they stayed like this he didn’t know. He had drifted off a couple of times, maybe more, he didn’t have the energy to count with how dazed he had become. With the world out of focus and time reduced to merely a concept, there was only Donna to hold on to.
After a while, once he had steadied his breathing, tremors still vibrating though his bones serving as proof that everything that happened wasn’t just his own fabrication, he tried to move his limbs. The movements were small, not really intended to accomplish anything other than verification that his hands and legs still worked.
Noticing the change, Donna eased up and instead held his shoulders, an unspoken message that she’s going to support him if he needs it. He sat up slowly, queasy and feeling like his tired body has been asleep for years, and looked down at her watch. An hour had passed.
They had been on the floor for a whole hour. Somehow it both felt like less and more time had passed as he took in the room again, his eyes adjusting to the light and vivid colors. His gaze landed on her shoulder and he noticed a large patch of her shirt was stained with, what he supposed were his tears. He had been crying.
Donna didn’t say anything, only sat with him waiting for a response or some kind of indication. He didn’t think he had the energy to speak, but he reached for her hand and attempted to at least give an explanation “I- I didn’t expect that to happen... Not that strongly at least, I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t… I didn’t think it… could, I thought I was fine.”
She listened intently, nodding her head and giving him time to form the words. When he didn’t know how to continue she interrupted “I know. We never plan these things, they just happen, and that’s okay.” She squeezed his hand and gave him a fond smile.
They sat like that for a few minutes. After his breath was calm and he could see and hear clearly, Donna said “Time for bed? It is a bit late.”
Bed? Yeah, sleep sounded very good right now. He nodded.
”Ok. Come on spaceman.”
He made to stand, his legs were like jelly, but he was grateful that Donna wasn’t hovering over him or attempting to help lift him up. He wanted to feel capable, even if he wasn’t.
Without any need to rush, they made their way upstairs, each step making his eyes grow more droopy and the notion of sleep more tempting. Donna went to check on her family in the next room and left him to his own devices, which he was thankful for. He was quite able to at least get himself to bed.
He was moving slowly, with how fully worn out he was, the act of getting ready for sleep was far more strenuous and taxing. The minutes passed by in a haze and he doubted he will remember most of this tomorrow. He only stopped for a few seconds after he caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
He was a mess. An absolute wreck. His hair was everywhere, probably as a result of trying to shield himself from an imaginary threat, apparently his defense system had thought nearly ripping it out would be a smart move. His face was a pitiful shade of red, not only had he been crying, judging by the state of his bloodshot eyes he had been sobbing.
After a definitely unsuccessful attempt to fix himself he went straight to bed, not wanting to look in the mirror again and see the person staring back.
He sat on the mattress and took a deep breath, glad the night was coming to an end, when he heard a soft knock at the door. When the person didn’t enter he called out, giving them permission to come in.
It was Donna, of course it was.
“Mum’s asleep, and Shaun and Rose are watching The Hunger Games.” She said in a disappointed voice.
“You don’t like those?”
“Not really my cup of tea. I’m also prissy that Shaun got out of watching The Princess Bride. You should have seen his face. That cheek.” The Doctor could very clearly imagine Shaun’s glee at evading the movie and it made him smile.
It also didn’t go over his head that Donna, apparently, didn’t like The Hunger Games. He hadn’t seen the movies, but he has read the books, and he doubted the bloodshed and the killing were what might be putting her off since she had kept her cool through situations much more horrifying and far more dangerous.
Perhaps it was the vibe and the message of the franchise themselves. About a corrupt government dividing the poor and desperate, polarizing the nation into those too rich for anyone's good and those with not a penny to their name, starving, hopeless and barely surviving each day. Donna probably avoided them because they reminded her too much of reality, and she didn’t want to be reminded of that in her leisure time, not when she’s fighting that fight for her daughter and for her family every day. How very Donna. Strong, selfless, protective, fierce Donna.
He looked at her fondly and watched her make her way to sit beside him. She bumped him with her shoulder and asked “You okay?”
Taking a breath he answered “Yeah. Yeah, I am now.” He wasn’t entirely, not yet, but for her comfort he could afford a small lie.
Content, she nodded.
“You know, you’re pretty good at this.” He said. “Being there for someone, I mean.”
She snorted “Yeah, I’ve been through similar, after the “accident” she made signs in the air with her hands “And it did come in handy when Rose was small, the whole toddler experience was… well, it was something I’ll tell you that.” She smiled, but it quickly faltered and she said “I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate. I should have just attached that stupid player myself-”
Her words took him by surprise and he quickly broke her off “What? No, no no, you did nothing wrong, it wasn’t your fault.”
“No, but if I hadn’t asked you then you wouldn’t have gone through that. I should have just done it. I just wanted us to do it together. It was stupid and I wish I could go back-“
He grabbed her hand “Hey. It wasn’t stupid and you’re not to blame. These things happen like you said, we can’t predict or control them and-” he paused “And… I’m glad that you were there.” Then he looked at her, really looked at her.
She was staring at him, a guilty expression still on her face and waited for him to continue.
“Thank you, for tonight, for being there for me when I needed you, I don’t think I would be faring quite as well if you weren’t here. And I did need you, more than I thought.” This was new for him. He hadn’t expressed his thoughts so openly to anyone before. It felt safe with Donna somehow, with her he knew his words won’t be twisted or thrown back at him. “I hadn't realized how badly I had closed myself off. Well, maybe on a subconscious level I did, hence why my face came back, why I came back to you. Living that life… it required defenses, a sense of preservation.”
She was listening to him with the same expression she had when they first had lunch together in this house, as a family. Was it pride? Maybe. Whatever it was it was comforting enough for him to confess in this manner “You taught me that it is okay to let down the shields sometimes.” He paused and inhaled before he added “Thank you… Thank you for being my friend.”
The moonlight from the window illuminated her face and he could just see tears building in the corners of her eyes as he finished speaking. Trying to hide her face she leaned her head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm around him “Silly Martian, of course I’m your friend.” Her tone was soft and endearing “I’m always here for you, I hope you know that.”
He reciprocated the hug and gently kissed the top of her head. “I know.”
They sat like that for a while, not caring how much time passed. It was a rough night, too rough for his own liking, a reminder that it wasn’t going to be as smooth and easy as he had thought it would be. That there would be bumps and obstacles. But, in this moment, as he was holding onto Donna, he thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, not with his best friend by his side and the night ending with them like this.