Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The light above Pomni was flickering.

Was it? Yes. It had to be.

Not much- not much at all- but every couple minutes-

-definitely. That was definitely a flicker. A small twitch in the light, every two or so minutes if she had been counting correctly...

"Christine?"

Nobody would notice it. Not unless they stared at the glow like she was and-

"Christine? Christine, can you tilt your head for me please?"

Oh, right, that was her name.

Christine relents to the woman's request. She felt the cool eyes examine her for a few moments more, before a soft sigh of satisfaction was released right beside her ear.

"Alright, thats all I needed to check. You're free to have a walk around if u wish." The doctor stands, packing the familiar testing equipment back into the screeching metal drawer next to pom- Christine's bed. She couldn't *bear* the sound, and it pissed her off that no one else seemed to mind... or even notice.

"Just be mindful of William today, he's a bit on edge." With that, the woman walked off. her professionalism felt so eerie to Christine. She couldn't for the life of her remember the doctor's name. Something smart sounding, something mundane.

Christine pushed off her bed, trying to ignore how much the creak it let out got on her nerves, trying to ignore how she could *feel the fabric of her awkward hospital gown brushing against her skin.

Maybe a walk would help.

Christine's feet padded against the vinyl floor of the halls, her footsteps an almost dragging rhythm compared to the doctors and physios that would rush past her, nodding their hellos or smiling down at her.

They didn't know they were being patronising, hell, it wasn't their fault Christine's muscles groaned with each step. She missed being... fit.

She was never the most athletic person, not by a long shot, but she used to be able to jog, to climb on occasion, to lift things...

...to walk without risking a cramp.

She was way better than she was a few weeks ago, and if anything- she should be grateful. She was only trapped in her mind, as her body wasted away in a hospital bed, for four months. It was a big difference from well... 10 years.

She stops at the first door on the hall. Jaxs room, but the corny cartoon bunny she was used to was now replaced with a sign that read, in plain letters, 'Felix Hernandez.

She contemplates walking in for a moment before giving it a soft knock and peering inside.

She found the man sitting in his bed, slouched, and watching the shitty tv that hung from the thin white wall. Well, if you could call it watching. He was staring through the screen rather than at it. His eyes weren't focused, or fearful or tense or anything. Just... distant.

"Felix?" She muttered softly, almost softer than the near silent drone of whatever neglected show was playing. "Uh-Jax?"

The man's eyes raise to her, and he tense a bit- looking away on instinct. "Oh-Hey Pomni"
He muttered dryly, not faking enthusiasm.

He shifts back in his bed a bit- Pomni pretended not to notice the way he winced slightly. A smirk falls on his face, and he looks over her, immediately defensive "what?"

Pomni steps in the door and pushes it shut behind her, leaning on it as she took a moment to connect who she knew as Jax with the body of Felix.

The man was worn- skinny limbs and a fatigue that hung around him no matter how hard he tried to disguise it. His hair was scraggly and tied back into a lazy ponytail that barely held any of the hair anymore due to the fact most of the strands escaped eventually, and he never bothered to pull them back in. Their avatars had never been this high maintenance.

"Nothing" Pomni mutters after her analysis "just taking a walk- "

Jax huffs bitterly, giving her a bit of a foul look. He brought a shaky hand to rub at the red indent of where his headset had sat under his eyes, and nods to a table across the room.

"Gimme' water" he demands

She wasn't going to fight him to have manners, she stepped over to the table and picked up the plastic jug, being careful to grip it tight. Even with her anticipation the weight was greater than she expected. Everything had been weightless in the circus. Mainly because it had never really *been* there at all.

The water trickles into the cup and she turns back to Jax, stepping close and handing it out to him.

She lowered herself to the seat at his bedside as both of his hands lifted thw cup to his lips. He took a few laboured, manual swallows, before turning to her and squinting.

"So what- they just let you stroll around whenever huh?"

She takes a moment to respond, her mind still unused to hearing that voice come from a human face. "Uh- if the check-ups are clear than- yea I guess"

He lets out a scoff that grabs her attention. He looked away, his hands tightening around the plastic cup.

Pomni begins again quietly "If you want i could grab you something or- "

He sneers at her, a smirk on his face "What you think I want a vending machine snack?" He laughs- it sounded even more hollow nowadays, without the background fuzz of the circus to blur it. "I want them to let me go for a fucking stroll too" he jokes, looking around for the doctors he was aparantly such a victim off.

She stares at him, his gaunt face, his withered limbs "Jax-"

He immediately cut her off "Its favouritism honestly." He leans forward- his smirk was full of malice "I mean- I even saw them walking Gangle down the halls-holding her hand and everything! Ha! I mean it's ridiculous-"

As he ranted, she watched the shake in his limbs, the ash of his skin and the way his eyes were deep and hollowed, constantly red with screen glare- "I mean-Jax- you were in there for four years..."

He falls silent- his eyes fixing on wherever he had just been staring and his face falling slowly. There was a beat of silence before he sighs in frustration, leaning back and staring into his water. "Sure- "he mutters almost silently, before his eyes widen slightly as he looks up to her, and a hatred forms in them
"-and what you think that makes you better than us huh? You only needed four months to find an exit??"

Pomni was shocked silent for a moment "What??? Jax, you know I didn't- i just meant your body is healing and-"

He forces out a laugh "oh yea sure- you're up and running while we rot huh?
Because u worked it out since you’re just sooo much smarter??"

His face was pulled into almost a grimace as he spat the last words "Oh fuck off Pomni."

She sat there, tense and furious and frozen. There was so much she could say, so much she could use against him-

She stood, rolling her eyes "whatever Felix- "she whispers, not looking back to see his face as she shuts the door of his room behind her, leaving him with nothing but the digital drone of the television screen.

Chapter Text

She stood in the hall momentarily, gathering herself. The world she had returned to felt so much more monotone and… dull than the one she had left. The circus had been the definition of overstimulating, constantly bright and loud and nonsensical, so it made no sense to her how now, in their mundane little recovery ward, she managed to feel so... overwhelmed.

The circus was predictably unpredictable. It was all illogical, and,after a while, that made it feel somewhat comfortable. You didn’t need to question why something happened, it just happened because it happened. Random noises didn’t have a source to be found, weird doors, objects, corridors, all of it didn’t have a reason to be there, they just…were.

But in this reality in reality, nothing just- appeared. Everything was the way it was because someone, at some point, decided it should be; whether they were aware of that decision or not, and that someone wasn’t just Caine anymore.

By the time she had built up the energy to get moving again, a pair of heavy steps and the slight sound of squeaky wheels pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Hi Christine” the low, calm voice drawled “you doin’ alright?” Zephyrs metal hand fell gently to her shoulder, the other closed around the pole of the drip they were pulling along. Christine’s gaze trailed over their faded tattoos wrinkled on dark skin, the barely-still-pink buzz cut, the prosthetic limb. She found it morbidly fitting that the avatar she had learnt to know as zooble’s real body seemed so unnatural, like they had gone through multiple efforts to alter themselves and just… see what stuck. Which, by looks of it, not much did.

“Yea-“ she muttered almost too quickly to be convincing, and pushed off of where she’d been caught leaning on Felix’s door “-just out for a walk”

Zephyrs eyes examined the door, and then slowly trailed to pomnis face “You sure? If he’s torturing you-“

Christine cuts her off “it’s fine he’s just in a mood.“ she stands beside the taller person, and began to walk to swerve from the possibility of Zooble feeling the need to confront the man.

Zephyr nudges the drip back into motion and matches her stride, both of them labouring slowly down the hall
“Listen don’t let him give you a hard time okay?”

Christine doesnt look up at their face, just follows the rhythm of their footsteps.

“Felix is just being a dick okay? He needs to realise that we’re all going through the same shit here.” They growl.

Christine kept her eyes low, that didn’t feel.. fair. “I mean- no… we’re not.”

Zephyrs stops in their tracks, their steady gaze slowly turning to Christine, calculating her thoughts “what?”

Christine was a little surprised she said that out loud, and suddenly caught off guard. Wasn’t it obvious? “Well.. Jax was in there for four years.” She looks at Zephyrs face, trying to see if her point got across. People were so much harder to read than avatars. ”We were both there for less than a year, that’s a big difference. We can still walk and stuff while they recover- and we missed out on less time. I’m trying to say I get why Jax-“

“Felix.” Zephyrs cuts her rant short, raising an eyebrow and staring at her with steady, questioning eyes.

Pomni stares at them for a moment, her brow furrowing “w-what?”

“Felix.” Zephyr repeats, more confident now. “You keep calling him Jax.”

Christine stops momentarily, her train of thought had been jerked from the rails, and for a few seconds she stood faltering, trying to iron out her thoughts.

Zephyr watched her with tired, concerned eyes “I’m just saying-“ she pulls the drip back into motion and begins to move again, hiding her slight relief when Christine does the same. “I know you’re used to calling him that, I just think it’s better if we… move on you know?”

They walk in silence, and Zephyr settles, taking that as a small victory. She relaxes, unaware that she had sent Christine’s mind racing.

Move on? They couldn’t just move on.

She didn’t understand, she didn’t understand how the doctors here seemed so focused on recovery, how the therapists talked about integrating back into normal life, how the press that came seemed to only ask about how they felt now, not what the circus was like at all.

This should be- well- life changing! It’s not like they were in a damn car crash or something. They had been trapped in a digital world. No other humans in HISTORY had ever been through what they had been through! They should be being- studied or something. Shes prefer that over all this talk of ‘readjusting’.

She was sick to death of this shit. She didn’t want to recover. She didn’t want to just go back to how things were. We’re they seriously going to have gone through all that just to go back to their average FUCKING lives-

She nearly tripped over Zephyr, not realising she had stopped in front of what she soon realised was Gangles room.

“Im gonna go check in on Lucy, see how she is.” Zephyr mutters, their voice softened with affection.

Christine noticed the gentle glow of love in their eyes, and she doesn’t intrude. “You go ahead.”

Zephyr nods, creaking the door open gently and stepping in, but before they enter, they turn back. “Apparently William’s been a bit panicked today.”

Christine meets her gaze “oh-“

Zephyr sighs “you should go check on him… I think he feels safe around you”

Christine watched as they disappear into the room, she listened as the soft tune of a conversation begins behind the door.

For a moment she just stayed in that moment, before pulling herself out of it, beginning her trail to Kinger’s ward.

Chapter Text

She was a couple feet away from Kinger’s room when she heard the buzz. There was always a buzz down here, constant machines, nurses coming and going, and ofc the man himself was always a bit.. frantic.

Christine avoided coming down here, she hated ‘the buzz’, and she couldn’t deny she did feel a hint of guilt anytime Kinger’s name was mentioned. He was sort of this pitied figure, both among the professionals and the group that had been in the circus. He had been in there for ten years. It wasn’t something your mind (and body) just… recovered from.

The whole tragedy around him was only made worse when they discovered what actually happened to his wife… what happened to everyone that abstracted.

Just as shes about to push through the door to his room, she heard a high, cheery but shallow voice tattering away inside. Before she had the chance to mentally prepare herself, a nurse pushes the door open, smiling at her as she rushes past. Christine steps inside.

The old man was sat in his bed, slouched with darting, hallow, eyes as he listened to the young woman beside him, Ann, chirping away in her usual saccharine tone. Around them monitors bleeped and nurses bustled.

Both of their heads creak to face the new visitor, Christine awkwardly shuffles in, and before she can figure out how to acknowledge the two, Ann cuts her off.

“Oh hey Pomni!” Her voice was as light as ever, but her face was hollow. Ann had been the worst at adapting ever since rhey got back. She was always ‘happy’ in the circus, but without the facial tracking and Ragatha’ to hide behind, her expressions looked… uncanny.

Her deep hallowed eyes scanned over Christine, rhen flicked quickly to kinger, and back. “Sorry! Do you want to see him alone? I can call a nurse to help me leave-“

“No it’s…fine” Christine mutters, pulling a strand of black hair behind her ear and stepping in, which was met with a small yelp from William, who only seemed to just realise her presence.

As Ann consoled him, christine clumsily looked for a place to stand among all the monitors and equipment, and eventually settled to pulling up a wobbly plastic chair beside his bed.

Ann was stroking Williams hand with her own pale, bony thumb, “Christine’s here to say hi-“

Williams eyes were wide as they spat to Christine, white brows furrowing as he stared at her, then flicked back to Ann “who?!”

Ann tried to calm him again “Christine, from down the hall-“

“Pomni, Its Pomni…” she hated the condescending tone everyone addressed William with. She knew it wasn’t Ann’s fault, she was often just as confused as he was.

A soft smile found it’s way to her lips.
“Hi Kinger.”

Recognising her voice, he examined the woman before him “Oh! Pomni! When did you get here?”

Christine felt a warmth of relief as he recognised her, and she nods. Ann smiles, but it doesn’t reach her wide, red-rimmed eyes “Yes, Pomni is here- and I’m here and-“

She seemed distracted, something was annoying her. Christine didn’t notice that though, she was too busy trying to hold back her frustration.

There was a moment of fairly tense silence, until it was eventually broken by Ann’s piercing voice

“Me and ki- William- were just reminiscing on life back at the circus.” A bit of a nervous, guilty, laugh escaped her lips. “You know, just sharing stories-“

Christine was skeptical, she looks to William, his distant, blissfully thoughtless eyes. “Are you sure that’s… responsible? I don’t know if you should be focussing too much on-“

Ann laughs “pfffftttt it’s fine!” She pushed a ginger curl behind her ear as she tried to convince herself “were just talking. I mean, what else are we supposed to talk about!”

A few short laughs forced their way out of her chest and she looks off, brow slightly furrowed in thought.

Christine noticed her behaviour, but ignores it, turning to talk to William instead.

She asked how he was, and he began to ramble. His mind flicking from distraction to distraction, finding it impossible to stick to anything solid or cohesive.

It felt like William had somehow had more of his sanity within the circus than outside of it, ít was miracle he hadn’t abstracted after so long in that state, mind in the circus, body rotting back in reality.

Well, she knew why he hadn’t abstracted, everyone did. It was obvious the first question that doctors were forced answer when each circus member realised they were awake was…
‘What happened to everyone? What was abstraction?’.

It had seemed so simple to accept while they were in the circus. If you abstracted, you were gone. But suddenly, realising their bodies were still here opened a million possibilities. Did they escape? Did they survive?

The news had hit like a truck, they abstracted, not because they escaped, or made it out or even just went mad. People abstracted because back in reality, they tried to get them out. Each of their consciousness had been tied to the digital plane, to the circus.

Until they found an escape there was no freeing them, no procedure or therapy or fucking voodoo the people on the outside could try that would pull them out. Any and all attempts ended with the same result…

Christine tried not to think too much about it… and she wasn’t going to bring it up. Especially not around William.

She listened to him string from topic to topic carelessly, it was only after about the tenth change of subject she noticed Ann’s restlessness.

The woman was tapping her leg with her hand, her smile turned to a grimace. She was twitchy, uneasy, and every few seconds her eyes flickered to a beeping monitoring machine sat beside her. She was like a powder keg, and it was only so long until-

“CAINE!” She laughs through grit teeth “Can you please turn. that. off?”

The room falls stag ment and silent. Except the beeping, that doesn’t stop.

Pomni and Kinger’s eyes were locked on the woman, the tension made the seconds that passed feel like hours.

“Um-“ Pomni tried to find words “..Ann..?”

Ann was taught and drawn up stiff, her hands were clenched together on her lap so tight that the knuckles burned white. She let out a shaky, stammering breath that steadies ínto a weak laugh.

“Sorry- hah- sorry!” She claps her hands in a vain attempt to subtly halt the shaking “Gosh, that’s silly hah- since Caines not even- you know we’re not-“ she stammered, trying to excuse her slip.

Christine delt uncomfortable watching. She had seen Ann vulnerable, but never this exposed.

“it’s okay…” she wanted to go on, but the words didn’t form.

Ann looked desperate to remove herself from the situation, she seemed twitchy, anxious, paranoid. Her hollowed eyes spat to everything that made a noise, her slim hands wrung themselves out. Her whole body tense and fatigued. Christine knew she would have darted out of there if she didn’t need nurses to help her move.

Christine, William and Ann sat in equal silence. None of their gazes meeting, no connections forming.

No one mentioned Ann’s slip.

No one mentioned…Caine anymore.

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ÍDK how to delete this help me