Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe it’s self-hatred that makes Hyunjin go out to Lunar on a Friday night. Hyunjin hates this more than anything in the world. The crowds and the bad music and the flashing lights that are beginning to make him second-guess whether or not he’s epileptic. And half a dozen people are trying to catch his eye right now, a couple of them smiling, most of them just hungry-looking, and that irritates him too. If he wanted to blend in, then he probably should have worn a Halloween costume. It’s a little early in the month for that, but he can still spot fairies and pirates and rappers in the crush of people. He’s here because as much as he hates to admit it, he needs a drink, and if he’s going to get one without a hundred pictures of himself tipsy all over the news tomorrow, it’s going to be at Lunar.

He’d drink with the members, but they know that when Hyunjin wants to drink, he wants to drink for a reason and Hyunjin doesn’t feel like talking about the reason right now. He’d drink at the apartment, but Changbin coming home from the gym and finding him tipsy is an even worse feeling than whatever’s brewing in his chest right now.

Changbin doesn’t like seeing Hyunjin drink alone, and Hyunjin doesn’t like to drink alone.

Technically, if he’s at a club, he isn’t drinking alone.

And, Hyunjin thinks to himself as he takes a seat at the bar and waves down the bartender, he’s probably about to be far less alone than he planned for. Three seats down, there’s a man- very handsome, fairly tall, and mildly drunk- who’s grinning at Hyunjin in a way that says he doesn’t plan on taking no for an answer tonight.

Lovely.

Hyunjin dodges his gaze anyway. He might as well make this as difficult as he can. He should have stayed home and dealt with this instead of going out.

“I’d say ‘Hello, beautiful’ but I’m sure you get that all the time.” Bar Guy sounds confident in the way that comes from deep pockets.

He isn’t exactly wrong. Hyunjin resents it.

“Wasn’t planning on company tonight.”

It’s the truth. And a warning shot. Hyunjin is willing to get much nastier if need be and honestly, he’s kind of itching to do so. People have a tendency to look at Hyunjin and decide that he’s a gold-digger. That his affection can be bought, if one is willing to empty their wallet. Maybe it’s the way Hyunjin dresses, or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s beautiful.

Does it really matter? Only one man is on Hyunjin’s mind tonight and every other night.

“Then it’s a pleasant surprise, I’m sure.” Persistence is not a trait that Hyunjin admires in this context. He finally spares the man a real once-over and realizes with a jolt that he recognizes him. It’s the Lim heir- Hyunjin can’t call his name to mind right now, but he’s satisfied to see that he was right about the deep pockets. What was his name? He made the news recently- something stupid, but not shocking enough for Hyunjin to remember it easily, and this kid isn’t worth the effort of Hyunjin digging around in his memory to find it.

“I wish I could say that it was, but I’m a bad liar and you’d see right through it. Go find someone with lower standards.” Hyunjin pours every drop of venom he can into the words. The nerve of this guy to stop him before he’s even had the chance to order a drink. Isn’t it supposed to be good manners that you at least wait until after someone orders? That way, you can buy them another of whatever they’re having.

The bartender is turned away serving someone else, so he waits. The Lim kid seems to be digesting his words. Regrouping. Probably isn’t used to being rejected outright. Hyunjin changes his mind and asks for a soda when he gets the chance, though he was initially planning on something stronger, because he wants to be coherent enough to put this trust fund jerk in his place.

When he next glances up from the bar, though, the Lim kid has scooted down a seat and is now on the second stool away. Hyunjin doesn’t hide his scoff, but Lim looks undeterred.

“Oh, come on,” he grins. “You haven’t even heard my pitch yet. Don’t you want to hear it? I promise it’s good.”

“I’m sure you say that to everyone that turns you down in bars. And I’m sure there’s been plenty of them,” Hyunjin retorts. He takes a drink of his soda, nearly choking on it because he’s breathing heavily with how irritated he is. He dabs at his mouth as elegantly as he can with his cocktail napkin, and Lim seems to take it as a minor victory.

“I certainly do say it. Don’t you want to be the last one I say it to?”

Hyunjin slams his glass down on the counter with such force he’s surprised it doesn’t crack. It has the intended effect, though- Lim flinches and leans away ever so slightly.

“Can’t you catch a hint? I’m not interested. Go harass someone else.”

“Let me guess. Boy troubles?” Lim says sympathetically and that strikes a nerve far more than Hyunjin would like to admit.

Because yes. Changbin is the reason why he’s out of the apartment right now. Because he hates being around Changbin and knowing that he can’t have him. The anger of it is eating Hyunjin alive. He’s never wanted anything more in his entire life. He can recognize that he has never been denied anything he wants. Not until now. So the thought that Changbin, the thing he’s wanted the most out of everything else, ever, is the one thing he can’t have is infuriating. It makes him feel like a petty child, throwing a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted at the store.

But the want is so much more. Gut-deep.

In the face of this feeling, Hyunjin feels small. Miniscule, helpless. The wanting crushes him under its heel, peels him up, and remakes him, over and over. Every morning and every night he lies in a bed not ten meters from Changbin’s own and to him it’s a world apart. They spend almost every waking hour together and it’s not enough. Hyunjin needs to be under his skin. Needs to curl up in Changbin’s rib cage beneath his heart. He needs to know that he’s embedded as deeply in Changbin as Changbin seems to be in him.

Being with anyone else is unthinkable. What’s the point of dating when every time Hyunjin goes out, he finds himself imagining it was Changbin sitting across the table from him instead? What’s the point of making plans when the perfect man is at home on the couch alone, waiting on Hyunjin to get back? And this Lim kid thinks he’ll waltz right up and Hyunjin will be falling all over him.

No. No one at this club- no one in Korea or in the rest of this hemisphere has a chance at Hyunjin while Seo Changbin is in this world.

But…

Changbin can be a jealous man, whether he likes to acknowledge that side of himself or not. Hyunjin sees how Changbin can be when Hyunjin hugs Yongbok a little too long, or laughs a little too loud at one of Jisung’s jokes. Changbin is jealous of Hyunjin’s attention more than anything. And if he were to see Hyunjin laying all that attention on another man…

Maybe…

Maybe it would work. But Hyunjin doesn’t want to give Lim the satisfaction of winning just yet. The plan needs a little more time to sit in Hyunjin’s brain before he puts it into action, so he sips his soda again to stall.

“What did you say your name was?” Hyunjin drawls, tracing his index finger around the rim of the glass. As unpleasant as Lim is, Hyunjin gets a kick of delight seeing the way Lim’s eyes track the motion. He likes the effect he has on people when he’s trying.

Charm has never been a stretch for Hyunjin, and this guy seems to be an easy mark.

“Lim Tae,” he grins back, and Hyunjin knows exactly how this is going to go.

Tae isn’t Hyunjin’s type at all- too slimy to be romantic and too rich to be real. But he’s handsome enough to fool Changbin into thinking that he’s serious, at least for a while. Long enough to stir up the jealousy that Hyunjin is looking for. And maybe, he’ll be a little fun in the meantime.

So, though he ignores Tae’s advances for the rest of the night, and tosses an insult his way every opportunity he gets, he scrawls his phone number on a bar napkin and leaves it. If Tae wants in, he’ll take the bait. If not, he won’t.

By eight the next morning, there’s a text from an unknown number sitting in Hyunjin’s messages, waiting to be read.

……..

The first time they meet up on purpose, it’s strange. It isn’t at Lunar. It’s at a quieter joint a little further downtown. A bit more private. Their text conversations have been few and relatively impersonal. Hyunjin knows more about Lim Tae from looking him up than from their actual interactions. So that gives them some material to cover when they meet, at least.

Hyunjin has a game plan before he even walks in the door. He’s arriving fifteen minutes earlier than they agreed on. He can’t let Lim Tae beat him here. He has to control the setting, and that means arriving first and being ready before Tae walks in.

But to his surprise, Tae has beaten him there and is chatting- in a way that strikes Hyunjin as overly friendly, for someone who’s here for a date with someone else- with another random at the bar. It’s only a couple days before Halloween now, so the man is dressed as a cowboy. A very scantily clad cowboy.

Hyunjin thought that he would beat Tae here by a wide margin. He’ll admit that he kind of expected Tae to be late. That’s a page out of the millionaire playboy handbook, right? Keep them all sitting around for you because your time is so much more valuable than theirs. But no, Tae has been here long enough to order a couple drinks and to strike up a conversation.

Just like that, Hyunjin can feel the control slipping out of his hands. He kind of wants to leave right now and go back to the apartment. He wants to be doing his bedtime routine with Changbin down the hall. He doesn’t want to be standing like an idiot in the middle of a bar, watching his date try to chat up some other man. But he’s already come this far.

Hyunjin slides onto the stool between Tae and stripper-cowboy, grinning wide.

“I’m surprised you beat me here! Making friends already?” Hyunjin knows he looks especially good tonight. He planned on it and did his makeup very carefully in order to be so. He turns his head just slightly towards the- admittedly very handsome- strangers and gives him a look that says in no uncertain terms to get out right now. The stranger makes for the door immediately, almost losing a spur in his haste.

Well. If nothing else goes okay tonight, at least he's accomplished that.

“No need to go scaring him off. He’s not your competition,” Tae laughs. “We were just talking.”

“Maybe he’s your competition,” Hyunjin shoots back. “He’s not bad-looking. Did you catch his name?”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Jerk move. I’m here to be with you, so I shouldn’t be talking to him. I just- you sounded kind of disinterested over text so I thought I might get stood up. But I’m glad you didn’t do that, and I’m sorry. Here. Truce.” Tae holds his hand out to shake.

Hyunjin gives him a long, hard stare. Slowly takes the offered hand. He had sounded that way on purpose, so that Tae would already be on the back foot by the time their date rolled around. Apparently, it’s already backfired, and they aren’t even five minutes into the date. Hyunjin picked the day, time, and place. He showed up early. And the control is completely tipped in Tae’s favor.

“I thought you would be late,” Hyunjin says. “So we both expected to be disappointed by each other. And we were both pleasantly surprised.”

“A very optimistic spin on the situation.” Hyunjin means it to sound neutral, not like a compliment, but it comes out as one anyway. He bites his tongue.

Tae cocks his head. “Well, thank you.” He slides one of the glasses in front of him down the bar so that it comes to a neat stop in front of Hyunjin, contents sloshing slightly but not spilling over. “This is yours, if you want it. If not, I can certainly buy you something else.”

Hyunjin is tired of the pleasantries, to be honest. “Where should we start?”

“I assume that you at least Googled me before you asked to meet. That would have been the responsible thing to do. To ensure that I’m not a murderer with a taste for very, very beautiful men.” Tae bats his eyelashes in a joking way.

“I did Google you. And it’s safe to say that you did the same?”

“I did. Though when we first met, I did have the nagging feeling that I recognized you from somewhere. Now I know it’s from that Versace billboard in Garak-Dong. I’m not familiar with your music, but I’ve seen a couple of your ads, as it turns out. Very impressive.”

Hyunjin considers that. He hadn’t expected- or wanted- to date a fan. But to have someone who’s completely unaware of his music is highly unusual. And maybe, a little refreshing. That means that with Tae, he doesn’t have to talk about albums or videos or antis. It’s about Hwang Hyunjin the person, not Hwang Hyunjin the idol. And that’s more freeing that Hyunjin could have imagined.

“I recognized you when I first met you. From Lim family appearances, mostly. But other than that, I didn’t know anything about you.”

“So you mostly know about my family.” Hyunjin doesn’t know how to confirm that without making it sound like he’s out for the Lim family fortune. “It’s a pretty influential family. And besides, you have to start somewhere, right?”

“That you do. So let me ask you this. When I first approached you, I got the impression-“ Tae cuts off with a scowl and pulls a buzzing phone out of his pocket. “Speaking of family.” He reads the screen for about half a second and his face gets very solemn.

“Hyunjin, I’m very sorry. I wouldn’t leave if it wasn’t so important.” Tae stands up and straightens his jacket, frantic. “I want to meet up with you again and have a proper conversation, okay? Please don’t be angry with me.”

“I’m not angry, I. . .” Hyunjin trails.

Tae slides his credit card to the bartender’s assistant, who stands ready behind a register to close him out. The assistant dutifully rings him up for the two drinks he’s purchased, neither of which have been touched yet, and hands Tae the receipt, which he crams into the jacket pocket of his suit without even looking at it. “I really do want to continue this with you. You believe me, don’t you?”

“I do.” Hyunjin can see that Tae is being earnest in this.

“Alright.” After a moment of hesitation, Tae leans over and kisses Hyunjin’s cheek. “I’m sorry again, Hyunjin. I’ll sort this out and I’ll text you later. Please be safe on the way home.”

He leaves Hyunjin sitting alone at the bar, face aflame and totally bewildered.

……..

Hyunjin takes too long to tell Changbin about Tae.

He promises himself that it’s only because- well.

What’s the right time to spring that on someone? Even though Hyunjin only initiated this to make Changbin jealous. The attention is nice, even if it’s from Tae and not Changbin.

It’s nice to have someone tell you that they like your outfit, even when you’ve barely put any effort in. It’s nice to have someone to text about your bad day or your bad week. It’s nice to have admiring eyes on you in general, no matter whose eyes they are.

So that’s what Hyunjin tells himself. He likes the attention Tae gives him. Not Tae himself. And Hyunjin knows that it’s awful, but he’s also sure that Tae also has a couple ulterior motives, so he can’t bring himself to feel too bad about it. Tae is finally, finally, something that comes easily to Hyunjin. After years of hard work and constant tension. With Tae, he can drop his shoulders and unclench his jaw and say whatever comes to mind. It’s okay. It’s all okay. Hyunjin is dramatic by nature- big gestures and big feelings and big speeches and Tae takes it all in stride, giving him the space and the company that Hyunjin needs in equal measure.

And Tae is a lot of fun, honestly. He knows everyone. He can get into anywhere and out of all kinds of trouble. He spends money with the same ease and thoughtlessness as breathing. He likes to walk the line between overly lavish and completely insane, and Hyunjin can’t bring himself to do the same but it’s a beautiful thing to watch.

Their relationship lives in the spaces between both of their very busy schedules- late nights out at Lunar, empty parking lots. Somewhere along the way, Hyunjin forgets to feel guilty about leading Tae on. Maybe because he isn’t really, not anymore. He genuinely likes the man.

When Hyunjin and Tae got together, Hyunjin did it because he knew that Changbin would be jealous. At least, if he loved Hyunjin, he would be. But he hasn’t acted on it at all. He’s defended Hyunjin and advised him, like a good friend would. No more and no less. Changbin sticks carefully to the boundaries of friendship. It’s Hyunjin that’s always stepping over the line. Maybe it’s time to admit the obvious. Whatever used to be between Changbin and Hyunjin doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe moving in together killed it. Maybe Hyunjin did, when he started to go out with Tae, or maybe he did somehow else and never realized it. In the end, does the reason matter? It’s over. It’s gone. And Hyunjin is trying to fill that crater with Tae, which seems to be working okay so far.

But Hyunjin takes too long to tell Changbin about Tae- takes too long to tell everyone, really. They should have been working on this for a while. He should have told management, at least, so they knew to watch out for him. There’s a time and a place to come out as an idol, and this isn’t it.

He has the courtesy to tell Changbin at the apartment, and to tell him before he tells everyone else. He expects it to be ugly, and they both deserve the privacy of their own home for this, even if it isn’t as bad as he anticipates it to be.

“I want to meet him.” Changbin is definitely surprised, definitely hurt, and probably angry.

Hyunjin blinks. He was expecting something a little more dramatic, he thinks. He’s not really sure. Maybe a couple of tears or a ‘how could you’ for all his trouble.

“Alright.”

And that’s that.

Chapter Text

Something Hyunjin likes about Tae is that he’s spontaneous. Moreso than Hyunjin, who takes a long time to execute romantic gestures and even longer to plan them. It adds to the thrill of the relationship. Hyunjin wouldn’t be in the career he is if he liked things slow and steady. Idol life leaves no room for anything quiet or calm. No room for boredom or monotony.

Idol life leaves no room for mistakes, either, but that’s a separate discussion.

Tae isn’t slow and steady- or quiet, calm, boring, or monotonous- and that is why Hyunjin likes him. Whether or not Tae is a mistake, though…

That remains to be seen.

All of this to say- when Tae tells Hyunjin that he has a surprise for him, Hyunjin isn’t surprised, because everything with Tae is a surprise. The actual content of the surprise does manage to catch him off of his guard in the way that only Lim Tae manages to.

Hyunjin arrives at the Lim estate at midnight on the dot, exactly as Tae requested. He waits in the driveway instead of heading inside, because he thinks that if they were going to be staying in tonight, then Tae would have just said so.

Hyunjin isn’t entirely sure what Tae meant when he said to “wear something flashy”, so he’s decided to take it literally. The silver threads in his shirt are reflecting the mansion’s lights in a way that can only be described at dazzling. He’s worn boots and relatively loose pants- for looking good and for booking it, in case whatever this is turns out to be a surprise that Hyunjin doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of. Because Tae hasn’t told him anything about what they’re going to be doing tonight or where or with whom, all of which are vital things that Hyunjin likes to know before a date.

When he asked Tae yesterday on the phone, though, Tae just laughed and told Hyunjin again to make sure that he looked nice.

Hyunjin hopes that what he’s wearing is nice enough for this. He doesn’t want to have failed the one requirement for-

Headlights flare to life behind him, making him whirl. This is a car that Hyunjin has never seen before- not that he’s been inside the Lim family’s massive garage. A bright orange GT-R Skyline, his brain provides helpfully. Like something out of The Fast and The Furious. It rolls up to him slowly and Hyunjin walks around to the driver’s side. A heavily tinted window rolls down to reveal Tae, smiling like he’s won the lottery.

“You look incredible, baby.” He sounds like he means it, which relieves Hyunjin a little.

“Is this my surprise? A joyride? It’s gorgeous.” Hyunjin rests a hand on the hood of the car.

Tae waggles his eyebrows in a deliberately rakish fashion. “We can do that if you like, but I had something a little extra in mind.”

“And what’s that?”

“Get in and find out.”

Hyunjin likes that tone. The bite of playfulness. As he rounds the vehicle, more lights come on from the Lim mansion, washing the driveway in brightness. A figure- undiscernible from this distance- hurries down the front steps towards them and Hyunjin freezes in place, fingers locked around the door handle. Is it Tae’s driver? Does he need to-

“Get in, get in, get in!” Tae shouts and Hyunjin hurries to comply. His door is barely shut when Tae throws the car into drive, whipping out of the mansion’s main drive at top speed. Hyunjin scrambles to buckle his seat belt, chest heaving with panic.

“Who was tha- Tae, the gate.” A vivid image flashes through Hyunjin’s head of this beautiful orange machine accordioned against the inside of the sturdy front gate, both of them still inside. Headline on the morning news tomorrow. Idol and billionaire heir, both dead in high-speed car accident. Gone too soon.

Tae is checking his reflection in the rearview. Hi is not slowing down.

Hyunjin can see the gate in the distance and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. Hopes that it’ll be over too fast to hurt. “Tae, you need to open the gate.” It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Tae reaches up and presses a little fob clipped to his visor with expert timing. The gates begin to swing open, leaving a space just wide enough between them for the car to coast through without so much as dinging the side mirrors. The kind of maneuver that only comes with practice…

Hyunjin socks Tae in the shoulder, not hard enough to hurt. “You jerk. I thought you were going to kill us both.”

“I’ve done this a million times, babe. We were never in any danger.”

“Yeah, well, it could have helped to know that part before you decided to speed headfirst at the gates at a hundred kilometers per hour.” Hyunjin is trying to stay mad and failing. Now that the genuine fear has worn off, the remaining adrenaline is just fun. The countryside is morphing from a dizzying flash of tree after tree into a steady blur of green. He can’t even guess at how fast they’re going now, but his heart is pounding and he doesn’t mind the feeling of it. “Who was that running towards us? I saw someone out in front of the mansion.”

“Grandmother, probably. She’s quick for her age, and she hates it when I go out like this. Late, driving myself, with no security. She’s convinced it can only end badly.”

Grandmother. The Lim family members are all very formal with each other. Hyunjin hasn’t had the privilege of meeting them yet. Nor does he expect to. Or desire to.

Tae reaches over and opens the glovebox. “Something in here for you.”

Hyunjin reaches in and draws out a long silver necklace. Hanging from the end is a triangular pendant, the same bright orange as the Skyline. It’s gorgeous and he’s never seen anything like it. He slips it on over his head and feels the cold metal backing of the pendant rest on his sternum.

This. This means something. This is the first gift he’s gotten from Tae- the first gift that’s been exchanged between the two of them at all, and to Hyunjin that’s infinitely important. Until now, their relationship has been a side project. The necklace is something concrete. Something that Hyunjin can use to prove their relationship, can carry with him as a reminder. There’s someone out there who wants him.

Even if it isn’t the right someo-

He squashes the thought.

“Thank you. It’s beautiful.” He means it.

“One of a kind. Fitting, for you. Do you like it?”

Hyunjin can’t fight the smile off of his face. “That’s sweet. Are you saying that I’m unique?”

Tae scrunches up his nose. “Is it really that cheesy? I’m sorry.”

Hyunjin closes the glovebox back and settles back into his seat. “No. Well, yes, it’s cheesy. But I do like it.” A painting is taking shape in his mind. A peaceful country road through a forest, slashed through with a bold, broad streak of orange. He brands it into his memory, not willing to let the inspiration escape him. He has no clue when he’ll be back to the studio to get it down on canvas. “Are you going to tell me where we’re headed now?” He knows they’re headed back towards the city- he can tell by the increased frequency of streetlights outside, but he doesn’t recognize exactly where they are.

“We’re going to meet some friends. I think you’ll love them,” Tae says. “They’re a little over the top, so don’t take them too seriously.”

“But do you think they’ll like me? You said that I’ll like them, but do you think they’ll like me?”

Tae does spare him a glance now, and the look he gives Hyunjin is mischievous in a way that gives Hyunjin a thrill and twists his stomach at the same time. “Some of them.”

……..

Hyunjin is glad to see that he has, in fact, dressed appropriately for the occasion. Everyone outside of the car is dressed similarly to him- sleek, shiny, expensive, though most of them have opted to be showing more skin. He unbuttons the top of his shirt just enough for the necklace to peek out, hoping it’ll help him blend in a little better.

As it turns out, The Fast and the Furious is the best way to describe whatever Tae has brought them to. They’re parked between two long, brightly colored sports cars, both of which have their hoods popped open so that curious onlookers can peer inside to see what’s been modified. A few of them are starting to stray towards the Skyline, wanting to see what’s up. Tae hasn’t taken notice of them- he’s combing his hair in the side mirror, without a care in the world. Hyunjin is breaking into a cold sweat.

Hyunjin is used to influencers, idols, and models. Not the type of people that are milling about through the grid of candy-colored cars. They’re beautiful in their own way- a more serious, sharp way that makes Hyunjin suspect that the wrong move will quickly earn him a razor in a very unpleasant place.

There’s one duo in particular that have their eyes fixed on the Skyline. An unusually tall, thin woman with a shaved head, wearing neon pink from head to toe. A man- not so sharp and severe-looking as the majority of the passersby, almost friendly-looking and wholesome- except for the fact that he’s wearing a full-length leather coat and about a dozen facial piercings. And not much else.

Neither of them is friendly-looking. Without taking her eyes off of them, the woman says something to the man. He nods in agreement and pulls out his phone, seemingly to send a quick text. The exchange lasts maybe fifteen seconds, and then they’re all back to watching the Skyline. Standing together like this, each of them so outlandish in their own way, they look like something on the cover of a magazine- the type of magazine that Hyunjin will never get to be in.

Hyunjin thinks that maybe, Tae’s friends are a little too cool for him.

“Are you ready?” Tae asks. He tracks Hyunjin’s stare to the trio of people staring through the windshield. “They don’t bite, I promise.”

He climbs out. Hyunjin allows himself one deep breath to rebottle all of the anxiety he’s feeling, and does the same. Usually, social situations are no problem. Smiling and waving and making friends is Hyunjin’s job. But also usually, there are seven other members present and a couple of staff to smooth things over if he missteps. And Hyunjin wants to make the best impression possible on Tae’s friends, if what he’s interpreting from the necklace is really how Tae feels and this is the beginning of a serious relationship.

Gifts, meeting friends… Is Tae’s family next?

Hyunjin is starting to feel a little nauseous, and his stomach only settles when Tae wraps an arm around his waist before guiding him towards his friends. “It’s going to be just fine, babe.”

Babe is a new development too, but he doesn’t have the brainpower to dedicate to it right now.

Hyunjin manages a nod. Yeah. Yes. His nervousness is solidifying into resolve. It’s going to be fine, because Hyunjin is going to be super into their cars and their fashion and make the best possible impression and they’re all going to love him.

When they get within earshot- which isn’t very far away, due to the deafening bass coming from a cherry-red Camaro three cars down, Tae calls out to the woman. “Long time no see! I swear you’ve gotten even taller since the last time I saw you, you skyscraper.”

The pink woman inclines her head. There are smiley faces dyed into the stubble there, Hyunjin realizes.  It’s the friendliest thing about her. “Then you must have gotten shorter, Tae. Who is this you’ve brought with you?” Her tone is flat, more like she’s giving a coffee order than greeting someone. The brief look she gives Hyunjin is more appraising than hostile, unlike the look she’s giving Tae, so maybe Hyunjin is doing okay so far. Hyunjin is beginning to think that he isn’t the reason for her angry look earlier, and that it may be more related to the man who’s brought him here in the first place.

“This is Hwang Hyunjin. We’ve been going out for a while now, so I figured it was about time to bring him around and introduce him.”

We’ve been going out. Hyunjin can feel himself glowing at that. There it is. They’re serious. Going out. Dating. He reaches up to run a finger over the necklace and both of Tae’s friends tract the motion.

Tae lays a hand on the shoulder of the man with all the facial piercings. “And Sunyoung! You haven’t changed at all. I heard about your mom’s health scare. Glad she’s doing alright.”

When Sunyoung opens his mouth to speak, Hyunjin isn’t surprised at all to see that his tongue is pierced as well. “Yeah. Had the whole family in uproar for a while. But you know the Sobongs. We always bounce back. Calm and quiet at all costs.”

Hyunjin hopes that he’s covered his surprise as well as he thinks he did. The Sobongs are one of the wealthier families in Korea. No wonder Lim Tae of LimTech fame is friends with him. The Sobongs make office supplies. Nothing flashy about it, but in a city like Seoul, stacked with corporate offices, it’s not difficult to make a couple billion won selling notebooks, pens, and binders. But they have a tendency to keep to themselves. No headlines, no scandals. Hyunjin doesn’t think he’s ever heard the name Sobong Sunyoung before. And why should he? The Sobongs conduct their business quietly- buying up land for factories and skyscrapers, acquiring smaller companies. They’re new money, as far as the Seoul elite are concerned, and it’s a delicate balance trying to stay on top.

Right as Sunyoung opens his mouth to speak again, Tae pipes up to fill the awkward silence. “Well, I saw on the way in that you had made a couple new modifications to your baby. Mind if I take a look at it?”

Sunyoung shrugs noncommittally. “Sure, man.”

“Then I will leave Hyunjin in your very capable hands, if you don’t mind.” This first part is addressed to the woman, whose name Hyunjin has still yet to catch. The second part is directed to Hyunjin himself.  “I’ll be back in just a second, okay?” There’s a note of pleading in Tae’s voice, so Hyunjin gives a single nod in response.

Tae practically beams. He leans in, kisses Hyunjin’s cheek, and then he’s off with Sunyoung and out of sight.

“So…” Hyunjin should have prepared for this, but he didn’t expect Tae to ditch him in the first minute and a half of them being here. Maybe he’s supposed to already know the woman in pink’s name, and he isn’t going to embarrass Tae by admitting that he’s never brought any of these people up in conversation. “How did you guys get to be friends with Tae?”

“We met through a common friend, at one of these,” she responds evenly. She’s too busy peering into the crowd after Sunyoung and Tae. Her accent is one that Hyunjin isn’t familiar with, and he almost asks after that but decides to stick to his original plan of flattery instead.

“So you both have cars here?”

She pats the car that they’re leaning against lovingly. “Yes. This is another of Sunyoung’s, because he likes to show off. I’m sure that you can guess which of the cars here is mine.

There is exactly one neon pink car in attendance.

“I can guess. Why do-”

“I like your necklace,” she says suddenly.

“Oh. Thank you. Tae got it for me. He just gave it to me on the way here, actually.”

Her eyebrows climb up her forehead, and Hyunjin realizes belatedly that they are also pink. “Did he say anything about it?”

“Not really. It was in the glovebox waiting for me when I got in the car. It’s the first gift he’s gotten for me, actually.” Hyunjin smiles. He feels as though maybe he and Tae’s friends got off on the wrong foot- probably more due to something that Tae has done- but if they can talk about fashion, then maybe this is mendable. He really does want to make a good impression on people that Tae enjoys being around. He wants them to think highly of him. He doesn’t want to come across as just another shallow celebrity.

“Do you see that girl over there? With the leopard print shirt?” She points to Hyunjin’s right, not even attempting to be subtle about it.

Shirt might be an exaggeration. What it is, is a strip of cloth that manages to cover everything that she’s legally obligated to while in public. The woman is perched cross-legged on the roof of a car, talking to a gaggle of onlookers who all seem to be completely enraptured by whatever she’s saying. One of her admirers pipes up with something that makes her fall over with high-pitched laughter, sprawled across the car.

“I see her. Who is that?” Out of all the people here, she’s the one that Hyunjin thinks he’d like to meet.

His remark is completely ignored. “She used to have a necklace exactly like the one you’re wearing right now.”

“Tae said that it was one of a kind. Are you saying he’s lying?” Inexplicably, Hyunjin feels defensive, against this woman who’s certainly known Tae longer than Hyunjin has, and likely knows Tae better than he does.

She drums her fingers on Sunyoung’s car. “I’m saying that he’s telling you the truth, Mr. Hwang.”

The truth. Hyunjin feels as though every step in his thought process is written all over his face. “But then if it is one of a kind…” 

She nods at him as though he’s being extraordinarily dense. Hyunjin’s face begins heating. He can hear Tae laughing with Sunyoung down the row of cars, but he doesn’t look their way.

“But why would he give me this? Wouldn’t it be a bad reminder?”

“You’re the one dating him. You tell me.”

Hyunjin’s phone starts buzzing in his back pocket and he nearly cries in relief. It’s Yongbok, thank God. He flashes the screen at the woman in pink as if to say excuse me and winds his way through cars and people until he’s found a spot where he can hear the phone over the music being blasted.

“Is everything okay?” Hyunjin feels bad always picking up Yongbok’s calls with this, but usually he only calls Hyunjin when something is, in fact, not okay.

“Good to talk to you too, hyung. Where are you right now? It sounds like a frat party.”

“I’m not sure that you would believe me if I told you.” Hyunjin takes a look over his shoulder to ensure that no one is approaching him. He can see the woman in pink a distance away, but she doesn’t seem to be looking in his direction any more.

Yongbok huffs through his nose to show amusement. “Try me.”

“I’m at some sort of car meet. I think. Like out of an action movie.”

“What? Why?”

That’s a very good question.

“I’m on a date with Tae. He has friends here, and maybe an ex. I don’t know. Everyone started looking at us funny when we pulled up, but now I’m not sure if they were looking at both of us or just him. It was like we had done something wrong already, just being here. He introduced me to some friends, but then he walked off, so really you called at the perfect time.”

“That’s a jerk move, abandoning you with people that you don’t know when you’re already out of your element. I don’t like that.”

“It’s fine. They were nice. But why were you calling?” Hyunjin asks.

Yongbok’s voice has a strange quality to it. “Oh, don’t worry about it. You sound like you have bigger problems going on. You should probably go find Tae before he can’t find you and panics.”

Hyunjin lowers his voice. “I wish you would tell me what’s wrong, Felix.” He knows that’s a cheap shot. Yongbok likes how Hyunjin stumbles over his English name- finds it endearing. Hyunjin only plays this card when he wants something.

“Have a good date.” The line goes dead, and Hyunjin is left staring at his dark phone screen.

A hand lands on Hyunjin’s shoulder suddenly, making him jolt, but it’s just Tae. He laughs a little and rubs Hyunjin’s back in apology. “I’m sorry, babe. Didn’t mean to scare you. I just figured that I shouldn’t leave you alone in such company for too long. Don’t want you to be badly influenced.” He says it in a joking tone, light and breezy, but Hyunjin can feel how solidly Tae is gripping his shoulder as he steers them both away and back towards the Skyline.

“What did she say to you, Hyunjin? You look like you saw a ghost.” Tae’s usual casual demeanor must be slipping, because Hyunjin can hear the nervous edge underneath it. There is something that he didn’t want his friends to be telling Hyunjin.

“Nothing, babe. We were just talking about how bad of a driver you are,” Hyunjin says, and he hopes that his poker face is better than Tae’s. “I can’t imagine that that was the first time you’ve pulled the gate stunt with someone else in the car.” He pastes on as big of a smile as he can manage.

Tae scoffs. “Oh, come on. Who else would I be trying to impress?”

Hyunjin can think of someone. But he keeps his mouth shut and lets Tae lead him back to the Skyline.

“How about that joyride you mentioned earlier? I’ll let you drive if you promise not to crash it.” Tae extends the key fob to Hyunjin, grinning ear to ear. “I’m sure you’ll like it if you give it a chance.”

“Sorry, babe. Never learned to drive stick. And I’m sure that letting me drive your incredibly expensive car back to the mansion is a great way to make your grandmother even angrier at you.” Hyunjin isn’t sure if the Lim family really know that he exists. At least- if they know what he is to Tae. Maybe it’s better if they don’t.

“Who said anything about going back home? You look so gorgeous tonight, we might as well go show off.” Tae opens the car door for Hyunjin, like a gentleman, and closes it after him gently.

Sunyoung and the tall woman are looking at him through the windshield again, this time with a little more pity and a lot less irritation. Hyunjin gives them a small wave. Neither of them returns it, but he didn’t expect them to.

When Tae gets behind the wheel, Hyunjin allows himself to push everything else going on to the back of his mind. He lets himself relax into the soft leather seats and enjoy the adrenaline coursing through him. He lets himself feel good. He rides with Tae for an hour, and when he kisses Tae goodbye at the end of their date, with a promise to see him again soon, that actually feels kind of good too. And only when he’s climbing the stairs to the apartment does he let himself start to unpack what he’s learned.

I’m saying that he’s telling you the truth.

The realization that he isn’t the first owner of the necklace doesn’t feel good. But if it was his last girlfriend that he gave it to, then it means precisely what Hyunjin thought it did. That this is something real. Not some backseat hookup gone too far. Not a fall fling.

And so, though it hurts, Hyunjin tells himself he’s going to take the win where he can and leave the rest. He deserves something like this. He deserves something nice.

Right?

Chapter Text

Seo Changbin would like to go ahead and state, for the record and for posterity, that he is in fact a coward. He will not defend himself and he will not deny it any longer. He is a coward, and he says it with good reason.

Changbin is used to being the jutdae of the team- the “man of principle”. Someone who isn’t going to bend. Someone who’s ready to catch you when you fall and all too willing to support you as you get back on your feet. And Changbin can see the irony in it that while he’s the first to lift those he loves up towards their dreams, when what’s he wants is laying right in front of him, he’s too scared to reach for it.

He had thought that after everything they had been through, with Choe Donghyun and the resulting legal issues, that things would have been different between himself and Hyunjin. That maybe he would have found some guts. In fact, the opposite had happened. All the courage he had been summoning to speak to Hyunjin- to be honest with him- evaporated into thin air.

Even after the group had separated into their new apartments- Minho and Jisung together, of course. Hyunjin in with Changbin. Seungmin with Felix and Jeongin with Bang Chan. Anyone else in the world would have taken it as a sign that Hyunjin wanted to live with him out of all the members, but Changbin just couldn’t make himself do anything about it. Changbin had been so close to screwing everything up with the petition incident- he can see that now. How can he risk this again? How can he put the integrity of the group on the line for something he’s not sure will work in the long run anyway? How cruel and inconsiderate can he let himself be before things finally do fall apart and he hurts the people he cares about the most in the process?

Changbin is a coward but he’s not stupid. He’s always been able to do math in his head- he can run the odds. An idol relationship is risky enough. An idol relationship between members of a single group is worse- it can tear a fanbase or even a group apart from the inside if something goes wrong. And of top of that, a gay relationship in a country where gay marriage is still years away from legalization. All of that added up comes to a success probability of near-zero.

If only knowing that could somehow make the wanting less. Instead, what used to be a quiet consciousness of Hyunjin, an awareness of him and his rising and falling moods, has become a hypersensitivity. Changbin is a live wire in his presence.

It would be unfair to say that Hyunjin didn’t give Changbin a chance. He really did, he gave Changbin every opportunity to step up and just ask for what he wanted. He gave every indication that, when asked, he might have been ready to take the It isn’t Hyunjin’s fault that Changbin could never find the nerve to actually do it.

And a culmination of all these things has led both Hyunjin and Changbin right here. To a loud, boozy garden party, at the estate of the one and only Lim Tae. Hyunjin’s new boyfriend. It’s a celebration of a business expansion. He thinks. He’s pretty sure. It doesn’t matter anyway- he’s here now and there’s no going back, even if he really, really wanted to. Which he does. Changbin had only come to meet Tae for the first time and he’s gotten much more than he bargained for.

A gorgeous place, actually. Carefully cropped lines of shrubs lead a gentle path from the back of the mansion- the “main house” as Tae refers to it- to a massive green pond lined with dazzling white tile and dotted with lily pads. Every so often a fish surfaces, only to dart away again, frightened by partygoers, and rows of red-flowered bushes carve diamonds into the vast emerald lawn. The whole place looks like something out of a storybook, or maybe The Great Gatsby. People in bright suits and long dresses are talking, laughing, and drinking champagne under a mild spring sky.

Half of the people here are celebrities of some kind, familiar to Changbin in the way that suggests he may have met them once or twice, but didn’t care to remember their name. Everyone here is polished. Tall, thin, sleek-looking. Changbin feels like the ugly duckling among the swans, no matter how he tries to ignore the feeling.

Changbin supposes that under other circumstances it wouldn’t be a horrible affair. It’s a nice party, after all, and no one can argue with the food. But Hyunjin has left to go talk to the other Versace ambassadors that are here and abandoned him with none other than The Boyfriend himself, who is a little too far along drinking for so early in the afternoon. Lim Tae is not nearly as charming when he is drunk as he is when sober- or at least by Changbin’s estimation. If this is indeed the same man that Hyunjin has been talking about for weeks. Changbin wouldn’t know- Tae was already drunk by the time they had arrived, and he wasn’t the only one by a long shot.

Day drinking has never been very high up on Changbin’s list of hobbies, but this whole thing kind of makes him want to down a couple himself.

Lim Tae is tall- maybe taller than Hyunjin and a little broader where Hyunjin is slim. He has sparse lips and a cunning edge to his eye that gives the impression of something with sharp, waiting teeth. He’s impeccably dressed right now in a navy suit but his tie has come undone and currently hangs limp around his neck, so he’s leaning more towards the side of frat boy than billionaire’s son- though Changbin supposes that the two are not mutually exclusive. His hair must have some kind of natural curl to it- today is unusually humid and his hair is starting to turn us at the ends. Altogether, he’s handsome, to be sure, but he’s not what Changbin would want.

Clearly.

Changbin absorbs all of this from only a couple meters away, as Tae laughs with an older man- presumably a Lim family friend and not one of Tae’s personal acquaintances. Changbin hopes to himself silently that the two of them will suddenly discover urgent business that must be attended to at this very moment and that Changbin will be left to his own devices as a result, but there is no such luck. The man presses a hand to Tae’s shoulder as if making an excuse, then walks away, leaving Changbin to bear the weight of Tae’s attention alone.

Sure enough, the older man has only just gotten out of earshot before Tae turns to Changbin and slings an arm around his shoulders. As though they were friends that had known each other for years, and not met each other only forty-five minutes ago. As though, when Hyunjin had left to go talk to his fellow ambassadors, he hadn’t departed with a muttered request to Changbin to “please play nice, Binnie.” As though Tae is anything more than a man Hyunjin had met at a bar at the end of a very long day.

“So. Hyunjin tells me that you’re a rapper,” Tae booms, loudly enough that Changbin has to fight an urge to flinch away from the source of the noise. He looks incredibly pleased with himself despite having said nothing of real substance. “A rapper. That’s very interesting.”

Changbin takes a sip from his glass to mask the disgust beginning to curl his mouth. What kind of game is Tae playing right now? Anything he could have wanted to know about Changbin, he could have found in about thirty seconds on Google. “Yes, I am.”

“But you also write songs sometimes. You’re part of some kind of writing group. Or, production, I think. Whatever.”

“I am.” When is Hyunjin going to finish talking to those ambassadors? He had promised Changbin that they wouldn’t stay here for more than an hour and a half, but Changbin would do anything to leave right now.

Tae seems to track Changbin’s gaze across the garden, landing on Hyunjin’s back. Hyunjin is wearing head-to-toe black Versace and he is nothing short of a vision. Something in Tae’s face softens, then sharpens again when he looks at Hyunjin and for a moment Changbin thinks he can recognize a bit of the same desire he sees in himself. But on Tae, it looks a little more animal, something closer to hunger.

Changbin swallows and he tells himself to cut that out. He’s going to play nice for the duration of the party and be gracious and then he’s going to go home and disappear into the gym until he can’t think any more.

“It’s called 3Racha,” Changbin offers. “Our production group. Like the hot sauce sriracha, but there’s three of us so we just call it-“

“He really is something special, isn’t he?” Tae murmurs, his eyes still on Hyunjin. “He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. And the instant I saw him I just knew that I needed him. I had to have him.”

Had to have him. As though Hyunjin was a nice watch or perhaps a painting. Tae must be worse off than he had previously assumed. Changbin thinks he already knows where this is headed, but he proceeds anyway.

“As soon as you saw him?” Changbin asks softly.

“Of course. Just look at him. No one here can even compare,” Tae breathes. He sways a little, forcing Changbin to take a bit more of his weight to keep him from falling. “He’s the prettiest one here by a long shot. I’m so glad he’s mine.”

The last thing in the world Hwang Hyunjin has ever wanted to be valued for is his looks. Anyone who knows him should know that, and most of all his boyfriend. If anyone ever said that to Hyunjin’s face, he’d be sick to his stomach. Hyunjin can’t help the way he looks, one way or the other, but he’s put his ten thousand hours into dancing and singing and painting and he would much rather be admired for any of those. Changbin has gotten plenty of hate over the years for the way that he looks- he knows exactly how horrible it can feel when someone won’t be bothered to look past the surface and really see you.

Changbin has never been a man to struggle with anger but he knows that when Chan is trying to keep a level head, he counts until he’s calm. It can’t hurt to try. He makes it to thirty-seven before Tae opens his mouth again.

“You’re Hyunjin’s roommate, too, right? You have an apartment together?”

“That’s right.”

“Has Hyunjin dated many people seriously, before me?” Tae sounds curious and not jealous, which comes somewhat as a surprise to Changbin. “He told me about a couple of his exes. Has he introduced his partners to you and your other bandmates before?”

“He’s dated before, yes, but he’s only ever brought a couple to introduce to us. He’s really private about his dating life, even with us.” Changbin swallows his pride and admits, “He must be very serious about you, if he’s already introduced you to us. Other than his family, we’re the most important people in the world to him. We’re his brothers.” Yes. Brothers. That’s exactly how Changbin feels.

“Okay, cool. So a good sign then. Thanks, man.” Tae ruffles Changbin’s hair, as though he’s a child that’s just said something particularly clever, and Changbin seethes. He is not going to get into an argument with Hyunjin’s boyfriend at this very nice party.

Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty…

Hyunjin glances over his shoulder from where he’s conversating at the two of them and smiles brightly. For a couple of seconds, Changbin thinks Hyunjin is smiling at him, only to realize that he must be smiling at Tae and he feels his heart crack a little further open in his chest.

Hyunjin says his goodbyes and strides back over to them, a smile breaking out over his face. “I’m glad to see that you two are getting along! Tae, I’m afraid Changbin and I may have to head on home in a second. I think I might have eaten something that isn’t agreeing with me and I would rather get on the road sooner rather than later.” He gives Tae a what-can-you-do smile. Tae immediately releases Changbin to shake Hyunjin’s hand, holding it for just a moment longer than is necessary.

Because Tae can’t play the doting boyfriend in public, he does his best as the courteous host. “Of course. Please be safe as you head for home,” he says, bowing at the waist. “Seo Changbin, it was wonderful to meet you. I hope to see you again in the future. And Hyunjin, I’ll call you later tonight.” He has a twinkle in his eye when he straightens up again.  

“Of course. It’s a wonderful party, Tae. Thank you for inviting us.” Hyunjin puts a little extra sway in his hips as he and Changbin cut through the gardens, headed for the car. He glances over his shoulder once, twice, as if to be sure that none of his new high-society friends are following them.

“You don’t like Tae.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement of fact when it leaves Hyunjin’s mouth.

Changbin answers it anyway.

“I don’t. He doesn’t make the best first impression,” Changbin responds. Firmly but not unkindly, either.

They round the corner of the house almost in step. Already, the sound of laughter is fading behind them. Men in plain black suits at the front of the house- probably security- give Hyunjin a sharp nod, which he returns.

“I don’t expect you to pretend to like him for now. But I appreciate you being civil with him nonetheless. I assume that you were being civil to him, yes?”

“I was. You don’t trust me alone with your new conquest, Jinnie?” Changbin tries to put a teasing edge in his tone but he is a little hurt.

Hyunjin blinks at Changbin. “This is different. I’m really serious about him. So thank you for trying. I know he can be a lot, but I really like him.” He sounds genuinely grateful. As though Changbin had come to this nice party already planning to knock Tae’s head off his shoulders in front of all of these rich and well-connected people. “I want to introduce him to all of the members, eventually. I hope. And I figured that this was a good place to start.”

Changin admires the Lim family mansion in silence as Hyunjin talks to the valet. His parents would love to see him live a place like this someday. White columns and red brick and sweeping stairs. Probably a dozen live-in maids to keep the place clean. It’s beautiful, but Changbin doesn’t need all of it.

As he and Hyunjin load into the car, he makes up his mind. He’s not going to sit by and be jealous of Tae. He had his chance and he wasted it. He’ll let this happen and when things get bad, he’ll be there to pick up the pieces. And that’s fine, he tells himself. That’s enough. It’s enough to be by Hyunjin’s side and breathe the same air and to be there for him.

“I’ll be civil. But don’t expect anything more than that. And don’t sit and wait for my mind to change.”

Hyunjin pauses in starting the car (borrowed from the company for this purpose). “That’s just fine. Thank you, Binnie.”

“And please, never bring him back to our apartment. Whether I’m there or not. I just don’t want him to step foot in our home. Go to the estate or to a hotel, just not to our apartment.”

It’s a stretch to ask Hyunjin not to bring his own boyfriend home, but the thought of Lim Tae in the home that he’s worked so hard to build with Hyunjin- the little slice of peace they’ve carved out for themselves in a busy life- makes him want to hurl. Tae, in the living room where they watch bad movies and yell at the TV. Tae standing in Hyunjin’s studio, or in the kitchen where Changbin cooks bad food and Hyunjin pretends to enjoy it.

The world is full of men who think that their money can- that it should- buy them anything and everything that they want. Hyunjin has a pattern of finding and dating this type of man. Changbin is of the belief that anything or anyone worth having is worth working for. Worth waiting for, too, if it comes to it. And even then, you may not get exactly what you wished for. Lim Tae does not seem like a patient man, and he does not seem the type to put in any work if he doesn’t get precisely what he wants out of it.

Changbin waits as Hyunjin looks him over. Hyunjin’s jaw clenches and unclenches. Changbin knows that he must want to ask. Must want to know why Changbin doesn’t want Tae around their place. But in the end, he doesn’t ask, and Changbin is relieved.

“I can do that. But I want you to promise me that you won’t make your mind up about him forever after this. Let him have a few chances to win you over,” Hyunjin says. He clicks his seatbelt into place and takes the car out of park.

Changbin opens to his mouth to- he doesn’t know what. To lie, maybe. To tell Hyunjin that really everything is fine, when it isn’t. To say that Tae is fine, he’ll be good for Hyunjin when Changbin doesn’t think that he will be. But Hyunjin cuts him off with a sharp gesture.

“I know that this was a lot. So. Not today. But down the road, give him another shot.”

Changbin wants Hyunjin to be happy, even if it’s with another man. He wants Hyunjin to love and be loved in return. That’s what he deserves. He deserves better than Changbin’s cowardice and his hesitation. And maybe Changbin will be wrong, somewhere down the road. Maybe Tae will turn out to be exactly what Hyunjin needs. Maybe he’ll turn out to be something other than drunk and shallow. Maybe he’ll be romantic and artistic and he and Hyunjin will fit perfectly. Changbin certainly hopes so, even though the thought is painful to him now.

“Someday. If that’s what you really want.”

Chapter Text

The next outing with Tae goes significantly better than when Hyunjin met his friends.

Like, really, really good.

And it almost makes Hyunjin suspicious.

For every good thing in his life, there is always a drawback. He finds other trainees that he loves like he loves himself, and they’re put through a survival show together, where he has to watch two of them eliminated. They debut, they hit the ground running, and they lose one of their own. Hyunjin moves in with the man he’s wanted for years and he’s stuck in this space of wanting but never having.

Hyunjin kicks himself mentally. Today is about him and Tae. He’s waited a long time for both of their schedules to clear up enough to have a proper date, not just a quick dinner or a phone call on the drive to somewhere else. And this one should be more in the range of a normal date, too. He can’t complain about that.

Hyunjin supposes that at first, there was a drawback to Tae. He had a reprieve when they first got together, and the difficult part of it was that he wasn’t sure if they were real or not. But then Tae gifted him the necklace (the one that Hyunjin is now wearing) and Hyunjin knew that they were something concrete.

Tae has given him plenty of jewelry since then- especially in the way of apology gifts- but Hyunjin always finds himself coming back to this one. Their relationship has been off to a somewhat rocky start, but the memory of receiving this necklace is a reminder that it’s worth working through the tough things, every time.

The last time Hyunjin and Tae got to spend real time together- longer than an hour and a half snatched at a midway point between their respective appearances- was when Hyunjin brought Changbin to meet Tae at the estate. And that was a trainwreck.

Hyunjin never expected Changbin to like Tae. Tolerate, maybe, and if things went very well, then to respect him. Changbin was never going to approve of Hyunjin being with Tae. That was never on the table of possibilities. He only left the two of them together for a couple of minutes, so he could exchange greetings with the other Versace ambassadors that he recognized, but when he came back, Changbin was looking at Tae as though he wanted to rip his throat out and Tae was looking…

Pretty oblivious to it all, actually.

He is curious as to what could have happened between the two of them for things to go so sour so quickly, but Changbin doesn’t seem willing to speak of it at all. As for keeping Tae away from the apartment, Hyunjin thinks that won’t be too difficult of a task. Hyunjin is very fond of his personal space. He doesn’t even let Changbin into the studio. Thankfully, Changbin is respectful of that. Doesn’t pry or drop hints about it. Not that Hyunjin would let him in, even if he did, but it’s still appreciated.

And Hyunjin isn’t sure how courteous Tae would be, if Hyunjin brought him over to the apartment but didn’t let him into the studio. But letting someone into the studio feels like letting someone pick apart his heart in front of him. To Hyunjin, there’s a difference between allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and practically begging someone to hurt you. And Hyunjin has to draw his line somewhere.

He’s turning all of this over in his head on his way over to the Seoul Museum of Art. It’s one of three art museums in the city, and tonight that’s where he and Tae are going to have their date. The most popular of the art museums in the city among tourists, and for good reason. Exhibits rotate through year round, meaning that even repeat visitors will always find something new to look at. Hyunjin has been a handful of times, but it was before the idol days and far before he started getting into art himself, so he can’t say that he even remembers what’s on permanent display here.

Under normal circumstances, it would be a nightmare to come to such a busy, public place, but the Lim family has connections with some of the curators here, so this will be a special after-hours viewing for Hyunjin and Tae alone.  As the Lims are art collectors themselves- or maybe artifacts would be a better word, because Hyunjin isn’t sure that they have anything newer than the 1800s in their collection- and on occasion loan pieces to museums around Korea, Hyunjin supposes that it does make sense. He can’t imagine how many strings must have been pulled for this to happen, and he doesn’t really want to think about it. But the invitation was too good, and the company is good too.

It feels like an apology, maybe. For whatever happened at the estate. Hyunjin leaving Tae alone with Changbin, Tae saying or doing whatever he did to make Changbin angry. Something still hangs in the air between them a little. Not that Hyunjin expected their talk to make everything like new. So Tae has gone out of his way and called in favors this time for something he’s sure that Hyunjin will love. Which is very thoughtful, of course, all of it is, but it puts considerable pressure on this date in particular.

Hyunjin is determined to make this one perfect. Tae has put effort into it, and Hyunjin will too. When they first started this relationship, Tae was his fallback plan. Which is cruel to say, and Hyunjin regrets ever thinking that way about him, but it is true. He needs to remember that that isn’t the case at all. Tae is proving his worth this instant, with this date. Tae has contributed time and life and love into their relationship. Right now, it’s Hyunjin that isn’t acting worthy of Tae. And that has to change.

He’s still nervous by the time his Uber pulls up outside the museum. It’s probably the least intimidating place that Tae has taken Hyunjin so far, but by far the most intimate. Maybe that’s the scary thing.

Hyunjin buys himself a couple of seconds by pretending to get all his things together in the backseat. He gives the driver five stars and climbs out of the car before he can be fussed at for holding up the driver’s schedule.

Tae is waiting for him just inside the front doors, looking as dashing as ever. He has the most gorgeous red suit on and his hair is slicked back in the way that makes Hyunjin’s heart pick up a little bit. Tae doesn’t say anything, just reaches out for Hyunjin to take his hand.

He makes even a simple museum date feel like an adventure.

They wind their way through two exhibits before they even speak a word. The first is on Korean street art, which is something that Hyunjin has to admit to himself that he never thinks twice about. He sees tags here and there, and he’ll stop to marvel at particularly colorful or intricate ones, but he’s never thought about the culture behind it. The artists that put time and effort into deciding the design they want to use, what they want it to convey, and how to place it so that it will attract the right kind of attention without being removed.

Hyunjin knows that the members see him as an artist- Changbin, at least does- but he can’t seem to see it himself. He’s a musician and a dancer but not a visual artist. He’s a man who does his job and then makes art on the side. Hyunjin isn’t good yet. Not consistent. And real artists are public with their work, which a kind of confidence that Hyunjin hasn’t been able to find. He isn’t an artist yet. Maybe someday. If he puts in enough hours. Until then, though, it’s nice to know that someone has faith in his talents.

They walk into the second exhibit from the entrance, joined hands swinging between them. He holds his head up and tries to ignore the way that the museum security is eyeing the two of them. Maybe because they recognize Hyunjin, or because they recognize Tae, or both. Or maybe just the fact that they’re two men holding hands at a private viewing. A taller guard leans over to whisper something to a shorter guard, expression unreadable.

Fine. Let them.

The second exhibit is florals by a painter that Hyunjin has never heard of. He pauses for a while in front of one that really catches his eye- a still life of a bouquet of daylilies. There’s something hiding in the shadow of the bouquet and he’s leaning in to see what it is when he becomes aware that Tae is watching him, not looking at the art. It makes Hyunjin’s heart pick up again just a little and he hides his smile by wiping at his face. He feels like a stupid teenager, going out places he shouldn’t. It’s something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

It feels good. Satisfying.

The next exhibit they enter is the one that’s currently being installed. There’s a little bench sitting just inside the doorway for visitors to sit, so Hyunjin does and he tugs Tae down next to him to watch. The shorter guard who’s been in the hall drifts just a little closer, into Hyunjin’s periphery, to keep an eye on them or to watch the installation happen.

The room is hung with plastic sheets- to keep any dust contained, Hyunjin guesses. They’re fluttering a little with the movement of the museum employees moving to and fro, and Hyunjin can see the painting he would make of this in his head all at once. Two figures sitting in a bench in a red-painted room, plastic sheets swirling to life on their left and right. Framed paintings in the background, out of focus.

“I think…” Tae startles Hyunjin a little when he starts speaking, despite the low volume of his voice. “I think someday, you’ll have an exhibit like this. In a museum like this. Maybe even here. And I’ll come see that, too.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “I’m no collector. I don’t have that kind of money.” And probably never will. Real collectors are people like the Lim family. And certainly NOT people like Hyunjin.

“That’s not what I meant. A collection of your art. Your work. The art you made with your own hands.”

“I don’t know about that.” Hyunjin knew that it was going to get brought up today.

“Why not?” Tae sounds genuinely curious, not mocking.

A more junior-looking employee fumbles a frame and almost drops it on the floor, provoking a scolding from the curator who’s overlooking the installation. It’s loud and distracting enough that Hyunjin loses Tae’s attention for just a moment, which Hyunjin takes to string his words together in a way that makes sense but doesn’t sound too pitiful.

“I never really planned to put any of my work in museums. I hadn’t even really thought about selling it, yet.”

“But you let people see it. Some of it, at least. When you post it on your Instagram or you go live and let people watch you paint.”

“Those are all Stays, though. They already know me from the stage.”

“Is that what makes the difference? That they know you? I know you too.”

And Hyunjin hasn’t ever really shown Tae his work. Point taken. Fair enough. But how would he explain the sketchbooks to Tae? He can’t not without hurting the both of them in the process. There is no explanation that Tae will take.

“I don’t know. I feel like Stay is different. I can’t explain it. They’re going to support my art no matter what I make. And I only show my best work online. The ones that I’m the most confident in- that’s what I put up for other people to see.”

Tae leans back, careful of the empty podium at his back. “Are you ever going to really start showing your work, then?”

“Honestly, I had never really thought about it. I started because I wanted to have that skill, not because it was something I wanted to share. I wanted to be able to make art, so I worked on it and I learned. I never really thought about what would come after, as weird as it sounds.”

They watch in silence as a pair of paintings are hung on the wall opposite them. They’re the same scene, set about a second and a half apart. The first is a dog launching itself in chase of a thrown frisbee, the second is the successful catch. The clear triumph in the dog’s eyes is enough to make Hyunjin smile a little.

“I guess I never really thought that anyone would want to see my work. Outside of Stay, that is. I always knew they would want to. But I didn’t have any expectations of being an artist. Not like this.” Hyunjin waves a hand around to indicate the exhibit being put in, the museum at large. “I didn’t imagine my sketches or paintings up anywhere other than my own apartment, or at a friend’s place.”

“I think the purest of art comes from that kind of thinking. Not what you can make for other people or what they would enjoy, but what you want to make for yourself. It means that you aren’t just in it for the profit. You have something to say, a message of your own. And that’s important. If you only ever express what other people want you to, then that isn’t art. Not if it doesn’t have any of your own heart in it.”

Hyunjin’s eyes have to be bugging out of his head right now. “Tae. What?”

“What?”

“That is, hands down, by far the deepest thing you’ve ever said in my presence. Where have you been hiding this philosopher? I don’t think I’ve met him before.” Hyunjin presses the side of his body into Tae’s playfully, uncaring of the museum workers around them.

Lim Tae. Always a surprise.

“I don’t know. I guess you bring it out in me, Hyunjin.”

“Now you’re making my heart flutter on purpose.”

“Oh, I make your heart flutter? Tell me more.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, making sure to turn his head to Tae so that he can get the full effect. “Come on, let’s go see the next room. We’re going to be in their way soon enough and we might as well leave before they ask us to.”

Even as he says it and they walk, silent again, he’s conscious that he’s redirecting. Tae has knocked him off-balance again and he needs to get his feet under him. Every time Hyunjin thinks that he has Tae figured out, or at least the dynamic between them, Tae comes through and destroys whatever framework Hyunjin has been building for them in his mind, and he still isn’t sure just how to feel about it. The way that Hyunjin and Tae work together doesn’t fit into a box.

He knows that he should be thankful for it. Should be ready to sit back and let Tae take the reins but he feels like he’s in the Skyline again. Stuck in the passenger seat, completely out of control. It’s exciting- it truly is, in a way that Hyunjin hasn’t had in a relationship since his very first one- but it’s also very disconcerting.

Tae waits until Hyunjin has stopped in front of a blown glass piece to speak again. “I would like to see more of your work. Sometime. Not right now, if you aren’t ready. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I know how personal it is to you and I would never want to barge into it if I’m not welcome. I guess, I just-“ He folds his arms. “I hope that I am welcome, you know? I hope that you would feel okay sharing that with me.”

Sometimes Hyunjin wonders what in the world he’s doing with Lim Tae. The notorious party boy. Heir to a fortune and half a dozen massive companies. On paper, the two of them make very little sense. And then sometimes, Tae reminds Hyunjin exactly why they’re still together, after Hyunjin’s original plan of making Changbin jealous didn’t work out.

Hyunjin isn’t ready to let Tae in the way that he is asking for. But maybe someday.

……..

It’s thirty minutes till midnight when Hyunjin finally gets back to the apartment. The museum date turned into a dinner date turned into an ice cream date. Hyunjin can’t remember the last time he had a date go so long, or so well.

The date went well.

For the second half, the only thing Hyunjin could think about was getting back home to Changbin.

Two things can be true at once.

When Hyunjin opens the door to the apartment, he can already see that Changbin is sitting on the couch, eyes barely open, waiting for him.

“I thought I told you not to wait up, Binnie. Don’t you have an early day tomorrow?” Hyunjin knew he would stay up, but told him not to anyway.

“You never know who’s out there at night. I wanted to make sure that you got back safe.”

Hyunjin toes his shoes off and stows them on the little rack they keep by the door. “Of course you did. Did you have a good night?”

He knows he’s spineless. He knows that he’s spineless and evil and that he’s one hundred percent in the wrong for doing it but he can’t help himself. A sleepy Changbin on the couch, waiting up for Hyunjin because he’s worried? If there was ever a list of things that Hyunjin can’t resist, then that tops it.

Hyunjin sinks into the couch next to Changbin, throwing a leg over his and curling in until his head fits nicely under Changbin’s chin.

“It was okay.” Changbin’s voice rumbles against the top of Hyunjin’s head. Even. Predictable. Constant. Hyunjin can hear the hint of both a smile and a question in his voice. He wants to know what brought on this sudden bout of affection. Hyunjin doesn’t answer the unasked.

“Did your date go alright, Jinnie?”

“Yeah. We went to a museum, then out for dinner. I didn’t mean to get back so late.”

The date went well.

Hyunjin wishes it had been Changbin taking him out instead.

Two things can be true at once.

He does wonder what Changbin thinks of him in this moment. Coming home from a date and curling up with him on the couch as soon as he returns. Maybe that Hyunjin is lying- that the date with Tae went badly and that he needs the comfort.

Seo Changbin doesn’t like Tae at all. And he still isn’t taking the opportunity to say I told you so when he thinks that Tae has hurt Hyunjin. Is comforting him instead.

“We should go to bed,” Changbin says, even as his arm creeps around to hold Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“We should.”

Neither of them makes any move to get up. After a long, blissfully long couple of minutes, Changbin wraps his hands around Hyunjin’s waist and sets him gently to the side on the couch with a whispered “good night.” Hyunjin doesn’t go to bed, though.

He goes to the studio instead. He sits down in front of a canvas and he paints the scene from tonight.  Him and Tae, in the art museum alone. He works on it until he’s worn himself out.

And then, because there’s nothing Hyunjin is better at than hurting his own feelings, Hyunjin takes his sketchbook and he draws Changbin. The exact way he looked tonight, half-asleep on the couch waiting for Hyunjin to come home.

Chapter Text

“Remind me again why we’re here,” Changbin drawls. He lolls his head back onto the couch to make eye contact with Hyunjin, who’s in a similarly boneless position to his right. Hyunjin has dyed his hair back to black, and it’s dark against the red cushions propping him up. Changbin wants to reach out and touch it, but he stops before his hand can make it that far. He fixes his own jacket instead. Changbin’s probably had enough to drink and a little more than. Everything is a little funnier than usual and that’s about where Changbin likes to stop for the night. Just a little bit after tipsy but well before drunk. Enough to dull the feeling of whatever-this-is and not enough that he can’t handle himself if things get out of hand.

“What did you say?” Hyunjin practically shouts back. He tries to put his glass down on the table, misses the first couple of times, promptly gives up and drops the glass on the floor instead. He doesn’t seem to care, but Changbin winces at the additional noise. His head has been throbbing since they came in. It’s already far too loud in here, and he says that as someone who used to live with Han Jisung. The table is vibrating with bass, and so is Changbin’s shirt.

Hyunjin is on the other end of the spectrum from Changbin, as of late. Drunk is never drunk enough. By the time he drags himself home for the night (by the time Changbin drags him home for the night), he usually doesn’t know what planet he’s on. It wasn’t always this way. Changbin would say that he doesn’t know what has changed, but he would be lying.

Changbin repeats himself, leaning closer to Hyunjin. “I asked you to remind me why we’re here. You know. Right here, right now.” He points at the floor for emphasis.

“Why we’re here? Because it’s his birthday.” Hyunjin gestures weakly at the dancefloor, in general. Hyunjin’s eyes are glazed and Changbin is beginning to think that it’s time to call it a night. Hyunjin is drunk enough that he’ll only remember a little of this in the morning, and Changbin is still sober enough to remember all of it. They’ve both achieved their goals and it’s time to leave. Changbin doesn’t feel like carrying Hyunjin out to the Uber again tonight. It was funny the first time and it hasn’t been funny again since.

He scoops Hyunjin’s glass up off the floor and places it on the table. “I don’t understand why I’m being punished for the fact that it’s his birthday. He’s thirty years old. Why does he want to be at a club for his birthday? Shouldn’t we be at a restaurant or something instead? Something with a little, I don’t know. . . “ Changbin watches, straight-faced, as a man on the floor loses his lunch all over the girl he’s been grinding on. The nearby dancers scatter in disgust, and the man staggers away, presumably to be sick on someone else. “Class?” he offers. “Something with class?” Changbin likes playing this game with Hyunjin. Poking at Hyunjin about The Boyfriend, pretending to be concerned.  Letting Hyunjin try to defend The Boyfriend without showing that it bothers him. They’ll go back and forth for a while, and when Hyunjin finally loses his cool, he loses the game too. Changbin is winning right now, but he thinks he might also be the only one keeping score.

Changbin never claimed to be above that kind of pettiness.

Hyunjin rolls his eyes at Changbin. “What, aren’t you having fun? Sitting here on this couch all night, not talking to anybody and not dancing with anybody? I’ve seen at least three people eyeing you since we walked in. Would it have killed you to talk to just one of them?”

“Maybe,” Changbin shoots back. “And I am talking to someone right now. I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” He sits up straight in his seat, as though the fact that he’s still sober enough to do so proves his point. Though he’s beginning to suspect that Hyunjin isn’t as drunk as he had thought.

“I knew it. You hate doing this. Binnie, it’s okay. You didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to. I know you aren’t his biggest fan,” Hyunjin replies, as if that isn’t the biggest understatement of the year.

Changbin has not, at any point, and never will, like Tae. It is a deep cosmic truth. It is written in the cement, it is woven in their fates. The grass is green, the earth is round, and Changbin does not like Tae. It isn’t just that he’s dating Hyunjin, though normally that would be enough. It’s that he’s the worst person Hyunjin has dated so far, and that’s saying something.

Prior to Tae, Changbin’s personal least favorite of Hyunjin’s conquests was the Japan cosmetics heiress. What’s the point in shoplifting if you’re that wealthy? Changbin doesn’t understand it. Just make your parents buy it for you. She was prettier than Tae is handsome, though. Maybe it was just all the makeup…

Changbin says nothing. Lets it sit for a moment. It’s true, and he’d rather not be here, but he doesn’t trust anyone here to keep an eye on Hyunjin He makes a list in his head of places he would rather be. Stuck in an elevator. Taking a chemistry test. At the DMV. Bungee jumping or sky diving.

“He’s nicer when he’s sober, you know,” Hyunjin says. He seems more serious now. This is probably the part of the night where he starts to plead Tae’s case to Changbin. As though it could actually change his mind. Hyunjin has been around Yongbok too much- he’s seeing good where there is none.

“When you first met him, he was drunk.” If it had been Changbin, meeting someone like that never would have made him consider them as a romantic prospect. Maybe he has higher standards than Hyunjin. He kind of hopes so.

“He likes to have fun and I can’t find fault in him for that. Look. Binnie. I wouldn’t be with him if he couldn’t be sweet sometimes. He buys me clothes; he sends me food. He cares. Just, you know. It’s in his own way. He does care about me.” Hyunjin seems really sincere now. Changbin wonders which of them Hyunjin is truly trying to convince. A little pang of pity goes through Changbin, but it isn’t enough to overpower the need to make his point before Hyunjin is completely incoherent and the opportunity is gone.

“Then where is he, hm?” Changbin pretends to look around in search of Tae, accidentally making eye contact with one of the women that had, in fact, been admiring him when they had come in. She smiles at him. He breaks eye contact. She’s pretty enough, but she’s not what he needs and he knows it. And besides that, she’s one of Tae’s friends. He’d seen them have a brief exchange earlier, the club lights flashing off her green glasses as she laughed and nodded at something he said to her. All of Tae’s friends so far have been complete nightmares. Changbin doesn’t intend to get any deeper into Tae’s social circle than he needs to.

Hyunjin shrugs. “He said he’d get me another drink before he got up. Guess he ran into someone he knew.”

That’s probably an understatement- Tae knows everyone at every club they go to. The question isn’t if he knows someone here, but who he knows and how he knows them. That’s not really what Changbin is concerned about at the moment, though.

“I’m sure that’s exactly what’s happened, based off his past behavior,” Changbin shoots back. Last time they went out, Tae went home with a “friend” early without saying a word to Hyunjin. A female friend. A very pretty female friend.

It hadn’t gone over well, for obvious reasons.

Hyunjin glares at him hard enough to give him chills. There it is. Point to Changbin. Changbin is now up 6:2 in their little game, but that little voice of pity is getting louder in his head. He slings an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders to ease the sting of defeat. It’s an odd mirror of what happened when Changbin first met Tae, but he does his best to clear that thought away quickly. Hyunjin relaxes under the weight of his arm, and Changbin is glad to feel it. “You know what? You’re probably right. He’s probably just gone to the bathroom for a second,” he soothes. “He’ll be back in a few. It’s about time to head out anyway. When Tae comes back, he and I can go and close out our tabs for the night.”

“Thank you, Binnie,” Hyunjin whispers. “And thank you for coming along tonight, even though you didn’t want to. You’re a really good friend. I appreciate it more than you know.”

With that, a certain longtime nagging suspicion in Changbin is confirmed.

“Wait, you don’t want to be here either, do you?”

Hyunjin hesitates for just a moment too long in answering and Changbin roars with laughter. Changbin loves being right. Hyunjin swats his arm, an unwilling smile sneaking onto his face. “Not so loud, come on. I don’t want to start another fight with him about this.”

“I knew it! I knew-“ Changbin checks his volume, because people are starting to stare at him. He dodges eye contact with the same woman who’d been smiling at him earlier. “I knew you didn’t want to be here either. Why in the world are you doing it, then? He’d listen if you said no to him.” Another fight with Tae. Changbin files that one away for later. Not a fight, another fight.

What would Hyunjin and Tae have to fight about? Their lives barely overlapped at all. They didn’t live together, they didn’t work together, they didn’t have the same friends or even the same hobbies.

Hyunjin just presses his lips together silently. Changbin waits for a real response, but quickly realizes that he isn’t going to get one.

“Okay, never mind that, Jinnie. Let’s just go home. Where’s Tae?” Changbin rises off the couch and cranes his neck to find The Boyfriend. Tae is tall enough that Changbin would have thought it easy to find him once actually looking for him, but it still takes a second. He’s a little difficult to see at first- the dark purple lighting makes one person blend into another. Tae is maybe fifteen meters behind them, talking to someone in their ear so that they can hear him over the din in the club.

“Found him. Let’s go.” Changbin’s body takes half a step in the direction of Tae, but as usual, his mouth and his mind are completely out of sync. A split second later, Changbin’s brain connects the dots of what he’s seeing. Tae is, in fact, talking to someone, as he had originally assessed. A young twenty-something- truly gorgeous, if you’re into women- with long brown hair and a shockingly white smile and Tae’s hand slowly curling around her waist. Changbin’s mouth goes dry.

He had wanted Hyunjin to see what kind of person Tae was when he wasn’t pretending, but not like this. This is going to break Hyunjin’s heart, and that was what Changbin had wanted to avoid this whole time. He’d thought that if he was careful and patient, he could get Hyunjin away from Tae without anyone having to get hurt.

Changbin’s optimism usually comes back to bite him pretty quickly. Today seems to be no exception.

The look on his face must be horrible, because Hyunjin starts to track his gaze across the club. “No, don’t look, don’t look. Jinnie, don’t look.”

Hwang Hyunjin whips his head around so fast that Changbin’s surprised he doesn’t break his neck. All the lightheartedness Changbin had been trying so hard for drains out of Hyunjin in an instant. Hyunjin blinks once, twice, then stands up, somewhat wobbly.

“Jinnie, no. Please. Let’s just leave,” Changbin begs. He catches Hyunjin’s sleeve. “Let’s go home. Sober up, and you can handle it with him tomorrow. Let’s just leave.”

Hyunjin, to his credit, does seem to consider it for a moment. But only for a moment. He wrenches himself out of Changbin’s (admittedly loose) grip and whirls back towards Tae, whose hand is now creeping down towards the woman’s behind. Hyunjin’s stride is much longer, but he’s a little wobbly while walking, so Changbin is right behind Hyunjin as he stalks up on the unsuspecting Tae.

“Hey, babe! Do you want to introduce me to your girlfriend?” Hyunjin is seething, anger dripping from every pore. Tae takes his sweet time in turning around and once he does, he doesn’t even let go of the woman he’s holding, even after seeing the look on Hyunjin’s face. Changbin has met plenty of beautiful men in his life and the majority of them are convinced that they’re entitled to whatever they want. Tae does not seem to be an exception to the rule.

“Babe, it’s not like that. She’s just a friend,” Tae whines. The woman is slowly backing away, not turning her back to them for a moment. Changbin feels bad for her, at least. Clearly, she had no idea what she was getting into. Tae shakes his head as though he’s disappointed. “Hyunjin, why are you like this? Always ruining my fun.” The brunette is halfway across the club now, knowing a lover’s spat when she sees one. No one else seems to be paying attention to them- it’s deafening in here. Tae is clearly drunk, but Changbin has never found it difficult to simply not cheat, sober or not.

“Ruining your fun? Is that how you want to play this? Because once you go there, I’m not going to let you take it back.” Hyunjin steps into Tae’s space. “You had better be very sure.”

“You’re acting so crazy right now. Do you even hear yourself?” Tae shifts his weight, but Changbin can tell it isn’t from discomfort. It’s because he’s too drunk to stand up completely unsupported.

Hyunjin drops his voice so that only the three of them can hear him speaking. From the absolute lack of care in Tae’s face, Changbin thinks he must be the only one who can pick up the undercurrent of danger in Hyunjin’s tone. “How could you say that to me when you’re out here in front a hundred people putting your hands on a woman when you and I are together? I know that we can’t be that way in public but it still doesn’t give you the right to- “

“The right to what, Hyunjin? Did you see me kiss her? Did you hear me ask her to come home with me? What are you so convinced happened between us?”

“No, but I know that- “

Tae leans back. “No. Exactly. You didn’t see that because it didn’t happen. She’s a friend, just like I told you. From work. And instead of being nice and greeting her, you storm over here with your guard dog-“ At this, Tae looks Changbin up and down. “And you accuse me of things that you now admit yourself that you never saw happen. You’re acting completely insane right now.”

“I’m being completely rational right now! This is the rational reaction to finding out that my boyfriend is a lying- “ Hyunjin stabs a finger into Tae’s chest to emphasize his point and that’s the exact second that all hell breaks loose.

Tae shoves Hyunjin, who barely recovers his balance in time to keep from falling over, then shoves him again, sending him to the floor. He falls fast, but his face makes sharp contact with the edge of a table on the way down and he cries out in pain.

Every vein in Changbin’s body freezes over at once. 

Hyunjin rolls over when he hits the floor, reaching for his face. His eyes are wide, flashing from Changbin to Tae and back again. Changbin has never seen Hyunjin afraid before. He hears Tae huff quietly, as though Hyunjin is being dramatic and then the world slows to a near-halt.

Changbin isn’t planning this out. He isn’t thinking ahead. He isn’t thinking at all, in fact.

So, when he swings, he isn’t technically violating his promise to Chan and Felix that he wouldn’t interfere in this. Because he doesn’t mean to interfere with anything. There’s no thought in Changbin’s mind, there’s only motion. And Changbin isn’t a boxer like Chan and Minho, but he still knows a haymaker when he throws it.

Maybe Chan will be proud after all.

Tae’s head snaps back from the blow with a quickness that both delights and horrifies Changbin. The only look on Hyunjin’s face is horror, though. Tae crumples into a pile of long limbs and disgrace. His mouth is bleeding just a little and Changbin allows himself to think it just this once.

Good.

Hyunjin sniffles. He looks like he might actually cry right now. His hand is pressed to his face, where a little bit of blood is starting to seep between his fingers. Changbin reaches down and helps haul him to his feet by the elbow. There’s a foggy kind of look in his eyes that says Hyunjin hit his head harder than Changbin originally thought, which makes him grit his teeth. He gently pries Hyunjin’s hand away and gets a good look at Hyunjin’s face himself. It’s not a terrible cut, nothing a little scar cream and time can’t handle, but it’s beginning to swell and bruise already. They do need to get out of here immediately, though. Nobody was paying attention to them before, but everyone in the room is looking at them now. A couple of very handsome mid-twenties men have crouched by Tae, shaking his shoulder and trying to wake him back up.

“This is horrible. It’s his birthday,” Hyunjin whispers to Changbin as they make their way out. He sniffles a couple of times, but doesn’t let himself cry in front of all these watching eyes, and Changbin understands that. The need to fall apart when they’re safe behind closed doors. Better to get him home even quicker, then. Changbin doesn’t stop to talk to the bartender, only tosses a few bills on the counter on their path to the door. Hyunjin is hot where he’s pressed up against Changbin. He takes his leather jacket off and drapes it around Hyunjin’s shoulders, like they’re a rom-com couple out in the rain.

He checks his watch. 12:07. “Well. If it makes you feel better, technically it was his birthday.”

Chapter Text

When Hyunjin wakes in the morning, he’s undressed. The blankets of his bed are kicked to the floor of his bedroom and he’s curled up with one of Changbin’s jackets laid over him. His face is throbbing. Hyunjin pinches the sleeve of the jacket between two fingers. There’s the slightest trace of lavender scent on it. Changbin must have switched his lotion recently- Hyunjin has been smelling lavender around the apartment more and more. He doesn’t like it as much as the previous one, but it would be more than pushing to ask that Changbin switch back to whatever it was before.

Yesterday- or more specifically, last night- is an uncomfortably blank spot in his mind. Hyunjin’s alarm clock, which sits on his nightstand, reads April 25th. The number sticks in his head for some reason. Something important. Something important. Why does he feel so fuzzy?

 Hyunjin scrubs at his face and the burst of pain that it brings on has him gritting his teeth to wait it out.

Right. Yesterday was Tae’s birthday. He had wanted to go out. Hyunjin guesses that they probably did go out. He sits up carefully in bed, trying not to make any sudden movements lest the pounding in his head decide to worsen. It only takes about thirty seconds of wondering what’s going on before the events of last night come back to him in a rush.

Tae’s birthday at Lunar. Changbin laughing on the couch, close enough to kiss. Tae wrapped around some woman. Changbin begging Hyunjin just to leave. Tae, unconscious. Changbin half-carrying Hyunjin to the cab.

Jesus Christ. Hyunjin left Tae on the floor of a club on his birthday.

But Tae was feeling up some woman publicly with Hyunjin in the same building.

Does that make them even? Hyunjin doesn’t think that two wrongs make a right.

He feels at his face carefully, noting where does and doesn’t hurt. He doesn’t have to look in a mirror to know that just a little foundation probably won’t cut it for this.

As more and more of it comes back to him, Hyunjin isn’t sure what part of last night was the most humiliating. His clothes are neatly folded on the end of his bed, ready to be put up and Hyunjin is certain that he isn’t the one who had that sudden stroke of responsibility last night. His shoes are placed by the door and his rings are sitting on top of his dresser. He vaguely remembers, through the whirlwind of emotions and the dizziness from his fall, Changbin helping him to his room and getting him into bed.

Then Changbin must have watched him undress too. Maybe even helped him. And while it isn’t unusual for them to see each other- and the rest of the members- in that state when they’re on the road, it’s humiliating under these circumstances. When Hyunjin had been betrayed and injured so publicly right before hand, fate had to top it off with that.

It’s too much to handle- too embarrassing and too vulnerable- and Hyunjin catches himself picking up his phone to text Tae before he even thinks about it. Normally, when stressed or embarrassed, he would text Tae for comfort. It’s a crutch he didn’t realize he had developed.

Hyunjin used to pride himself on how well he stood on his own. When did that go away? When did he stop being able to regulate himself?

It doesn’t matter. He’ll have to relearn that skill, because reaching out to Tae is not exactly an option right now. They’re both proud people. They need time to lick their wounds before trying again.

As though Hyunjin manifested it, his phone starts buzzing with a call from Tae. And it’s that dizzying feeling again, that Hyunjin can’t predict what Tae is going to do next. Maybe Hyunjin was wrong. Maybe Tae doesn’t need any time to make a decision about what happened yesterday. It’s only eight in the morning, which is much earlier than usual for Tae. Hyunjin isn’t sure what’s waiting for him when he picks up. Tae could be ready to break up with him, in which case Hyunjin couldn’t really blame him, or he could be begging Hyunjin to hear him out. And Hyunjin isn’t sure that he wants to hear any of it right now. Either way- apologies or accusations.  He feels tired again just thinking about it.

A few more seconds to collect his thoughts. Hyunjin goes to tap the green button on the screen and realizes just in time. He freezes in place, finger hovering over the screen.

He doesn’t have to do this right now. He doesn’t have to handle the events of last night so early in the morning. He doesn’t have to handle them at all. It isn’t truly urgent. He doesn’t have to answer the call. For once in his and Tae’s relationship, Hyunjin has the high ground. He’s the one catching Tae off his guard, not the other way around.

He presses the voicemail button instead and drags himself out of bed to get dressed. It takes a moment to work up the courage to look in the mirror on his dresser, but what he sees makes his stomach drop to his toes. The side of his face is becoming a swirl of purples and blues- a galaxy of bruising where yesterday there was nothing. Even the slightest of touches send a painful jolt through him, so he decides against trying to apply makeup. And besides- Changbin already knows it’ll be there. Changbin is the only person Hyunjin wants to see right now, and there’s no use when Changbin already knows.

A wave of dizziness has him gripping the side of the dresser for support until it passes. He feels a little nauseous too, now that he’s paying attention properly. He shakes it off and reaches for his hairbrush. He may not want to face Tae right now, but he really does want to see Changbin.

By the time Hyunjin’s presentable, he’s wishing that there was something to do today. They have recording to do tomorrow, but today is one of his few completely free off days.

Hyunjin wishes that he could enjoy it. Instead, he’s going to spend it dissecting every millisecond of last night- or at least the parts that he can recall. Everything after his fall is fuzzy in a way that says concussion even to his untrained eyes. He slips his phone into the back pocket of his jeans, ignoring how it lights up with text message after text message. Something uncomfortable is rising in Hyunjin- something itchy worming its way around in his chest, so he grabs his current sketchbook on his way to the living room.

Drawing Changbin is a guilty pleasure. That’s something Changbin doesn’t already know. Somewhere between the gentle slope of Changbin’s cheek and the edge of his mouth, the problems of the world tend to lose their weight. When Hyunjin is stressed, it settles him to put the face he loves so well to the page. How can anything be so difficult when-

Hyunjin bites his tongue, though he hasn’t said anything aloud. His hand stalls on the doorknob to the hall. The face he knows so well. Hyunjin still has a boyfriend. Whether or not he still has a boyfriend in a few hours depends on how good Tae is at asking for forgiveness. But for now. Lim Tae is Hyunjin’s boyfriend. Hyunjin would do well to remember it.

His phone has stopped ringing with calls, which does a little to alleviate Hyunjin’s headache, but not enough. The silence that follows is the most peace he’s felt in the last twenty-four hours.

He’s slightly surprised that Changbin isn’t already up and about when he leaves his room. He’s not surprised that Changbin isn’t cooking breakfast. Instead of sitting down on the couch, he leans against the island to pop his sketchbook open, back to the stove, lest Changbin get a peek over his shoulder. In the haze of last night, one image stands clear in Hyunjin’s mind. The half-second before Changbin helped him off the ground, when he stood over Hyunjin, all bloody knuckles and grim satisfaction.

The pencil is moving across the paper before Hyunjin even thinks it. His mind is fixed on Changbin still. Did he at least wrap himself up before he went to bed last night? He took the time to care for Hyunjin, but did he take care of himself too? Hyunjin hopes that he didn’t fracture anything in his hand- Lim Tae has to have one of the hardest skulls in the world. If Changbin broke his hand on Tae’s face defending Hyunjin, then Hyunjin doesn’t know how he’ll ever get Changbin’s forgiveness.

And Changbin shouldn’t have even been at Lunar last night in the first place. The trickle of guilt in Hyunjin’s gut is slowly widening into a river. If he had just gone without Changbin, then none of this would have happened. If Changbin hadn’t gone, then Tae probably wouldn’t have stepped away in the first place. And how horrible is it that Hyunjin brought him in the first place? Taking the man that he can’t get over to his boyfriend’s birthday party?

No matter how this pans out, Hyunjin already knows that it’s his fault. He shouldn’t have brought Changbin, should have stayed at Tae’s side, should have believed him about the woman, should have done a million things that he didn’t and now here they are. Last night is a long string of little mistakes on Hyunjin’s behalf that resulted in the embarrassment and injury of two people he cares about very much. Why is he wanting Tae to apologize? It should be Hyunjin.

Now that he’s running through his head, Hyunjin isn’t even sure how Tae was behaving with that woman. He was so sure in the moment, but now, he’s not certain at all. Was his hand on her waist to pull her closer or to steady her because they had been jostled by the crowd? Was he leaning into her ear seductively or simply because it was so loud in the club?

Slowly but surely, a broad-shouldered frame starts to take shape on the page in front of Hyunjin. Drawing Changbin from memory is easy. Habitual. Something about the shape of him. Short but strong. A wide upper body tapering down to a deliciously thin waist and thighs like-

“I didn’t know you would be up so early, Jinnie.”

Hyunjin slams his sketchbook shut with a speed that declares his guilt louder than his words ever could. He can feel himself flushing bright red, from his hairline down to his chest, and quietly prays that if Changbin did see the contents of his sketchbook, that Hyunjin will simply combust.

Changbin just blinks at him from the doorway.

Hyunjin was exactly right. His hand isn’t wrapped. It’s scabbed over, though. He took the time to help Hyunjin get undressed and ready for bed safely, but didn’t so much as slap a bandage on himself. That’s Seo Changbin, alright. Everyone in the world before himself.

“A little jumpy this morning, aren’t we?” Changbin pulls a carton of juice from the fridge. “I was just about to order something for breakfast. Does a breakfast sandwich sound okay to you? It’ll only take about twenty minutes to be delivered, I think.”

Hyunjin watches Changbin as he pours a glass of juice for a wince or a sharp intake of breath or anything to indicate that his hand is bothering him. He pours Hyunjin a glass, too, without asking.

“Are you hurting?” Hyunjin asks quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“Your hand. You split your knuckles.”

“Oh.” Changbin lifts his hand off the counter to take a better look at it. “I guess I did. No, it doesn’t hurt. I should probably be asking you if you’re hurt or not.”

“I think I may have a concussion. Not bad, just a mild one. But some of last night is fuzzy.” It is now occurring to Hyunjin that he should have also worried about how Tae is feeling. He did lose consciousness, after all, and it’s only Changbin’s hand that’s hurt. After a quick probe, he’s still missing any concern whatsoever for Tae’s wellbeing, and that doesn’t do anything to help his guilt.

He should want for Tae to be okay, and he should care about that. But the only thing he really cares about is whether or not Changbin is going to get assault charges.

Changbin nods. “We can get Jinae to check you out, if you’d like.”

“No, no. I’ll be okay.” The last thing on earth that Hyunjin wants is for one more person to get dragged into this. “I remember most of what happened before I fell, I think.”

“Not fell. You were pushed.” Changbin’s hand slides over Hyunjin’s on the countertop. “I know you at least remember that part.”

“I do.” He does, vaguely. “I’m sorry about last night. About all of it. It was wrong of me to ask you to come, and then you were the one who paid the price for it.”

Changbin reaches with his other hand- the hurt one- to ghost a touch over the side of Hyunjin’s face, which has almost completely ceased its throbbing. And because Hyunjin is a weak man with no backbone and no self-control, he leans into it so that Changbin is cradling his face. Changbin’s hand is cool and soothing, like the rest of him, and Hyunjin wants to sink into this moment and never crawl out.

“I think you got the shortest end of the stick last night, not me. But I’m glad you asked me to come. Anywhere you have a right to be, I have a right to be. Where you belong, I belong too.” Changbin sounds a little rough, and for half a second Hyunjin lets himself entertain the thought that maybe Changbin is as affected in this moment as he is.

“If you hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t have been hurt.”

“If I hadn’t been there, you might have been hurt worse. That’s what matters the most to me. How you’re feeling. I don’t care about a split knuckle or two.”  Changbin strokes Hyunjin’s face with his thumb, just a little, still light enough not to hurt. “And after this, I’m going to be around more, because he’s proved that I can’t trust him around you.”

Hyunjin’s phone starts buzzing with another call, and he flinches away from Changbin’s hand without thinking. He opens his mouth to apologize for the hurt look on Changbin’s face, but lets it go and retreats to the couch instead with his sketchbook.

A little space will be good for both of them.

Chapter Text

The gifts begin arriving early on Wednesday morning.

It starts with a couple packages at eight but by eleven o’clock it feels as though every delivery person in the city is knocking at their door. And maybe they are. Hyunjin doesn’t turn any of them away, but he doesn’t open any of the packages either. In fact, he isn’t doing anything at all about it.

The packages keep coming and Hyunjin’s phone is buzzing with calls and voicemails from Tae with increasing frequency. Hyunjin, curled up on the couch with a sketchbook and a pencil, ignores all of it. The edge of his eye socket, where his temple meets his cheekbone, is swollen and a violent purple. It looks as though it would hurt.

Changbin is a little afraid to speak, after their moment earlier. He wants to ask what Hyunjin will do now. He wants to know, so he can be ready for whatever comes. But he doesn’t want to push too far, because he isn’t sure where the line is. Maybe he already crossed it last night. Helping Hyunjin undress and get ready for bed. He was completely professional about it, but Hyunjin may not recall that. He can’t be sure exactly how much Hyunjin remembers, after what he said earlier about falling. Maybe Hyunjin doesn’t remember Changbin washing his face of makeup, brushing his hair, tucking him in. But maybe Changbin already crossed the line this morning, touching him where his boyfriend hurt him.

But Changbin has to try. Has to show Hyunjin what he has to offer.

Hyunjin has been through a lot of relationships, but he’s almost always the one to break things off. Hyunjin is a romantic, and yet he always seems to find people who only want to date him to fill their time. In a way, Changbin can’t blame them. To be the focus of Hyunjin’s attention is a singular feeling- like the beginning of a drop on a rollercoaster. Like the feeling of being on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans. An addictive rush, something that leaves all other sensations in the dust. Even if a relationship wasn’t going well, Changbin can’t blame Hyunjin’s past lovers for not wanting to give that up. Changbin wouldn’t want to, either.

Clearly, Changbin can’t give it up, or he wouldn’t be here.

At any rate. Hyunjin has had a lot of past lovers, most of them not-so-serious and most of them not-so-good. Changbin, on the other hand, has only dated a couple people since the dating ban lifted. Neither of his relationships were very long or very serious, though. One man, one woman. As horrible as it is to admit, dating them was only to confirm what Changbin already knew. Changbin has already found who he wants. And he can’t have him.

In a way, Tae is typical of Hyunjin’s partners. Rich and gorgeous, ready to throw money at anything that moves. Changbin isn’t sure why this one seems to rub him so much worse than the others. Maybe he’s finally losing his patience with the situation. He’s tired of these rich, beautiful people who just want to possess Hyunjin. Who seem him as a trophy, and nothing more. Or, maybe in Tae’s case, another piece of art to add to the family collection. Changbin’s tired of Hyunjin’s indifference too. How nothing his partners do ever seems to get under his skin. No embarrassment, no abusive words. No filthy public acts of unfaithfulness.

They didn’t stick around long after the spectacle last night. Lunar, the club they were at, is notorious for its privacy policies (no filming, no photos, ever, and with serious legal consequences for those found in violation of the rules), which is why it’s so attractive to the rich and famous of Seoul. A safe haven from the nonstop exposure outside, from fans and paparazzi alike. Still, it was much better to leave before the more sober people around them could realize that it was Seo Changbin of Stray Kids that knocked Lim Tae out cold. In a club at midnight on a weekday, no less.

Last night, Changbin had barely gotten himself and Hyunjin in the car before he was texting Chan about what had happened in the club. Chan had advised him to just wait it out- if something came of it in the press, then they would deny what they could and do their best to ignore the rest. Wait out the news cycle.

 If there’s one thing that Changbin has learned in his years of being an idol, it’s that there will always be a bigger scandal after yours. There will always be something to take the eye of the public off you. For better or for worse.

Changbin has seen Tae apologize to Hyunjin before, but never on this grand of a scale. Last time, Hyunjin had gotten special permission for him to view one of their concerts from backstage and Tae had missed the entirety of it. The rest of the members had been excited to meet him. All of the staff had been given the heads-up. And no Lim Tae ever showed.

Hyunjin had been angry for a week- though more embarrassed and apologetic to the staff who had bent over backwards to make it work- and Tae had probably dropped ten million won on apology gifts. That time, Hyunjin had taken all of the boxes straight to his room and Changbin had never gotten to take a look at them. Now, he won’t acknowledge their presence, and Changbin is the one letting all of the deliveries in.

To be honest, Changbin is getting a little worried that if Hyunjin and Tae don’t have a conversation soon, that the two of them will be buried alive in tissue paper in their own apartment.

“Aren’t you going to answer him? Even just to yell at him?” Changbin is staring at the coffee table where Hyunjin’s phone is laying. It’s buzzing with Tae’s name on the screen, the dozenth call of the day. Maybe Hyunjin should just put the guy out of his misery, though it’s better than what he deserves. He’s trying for once. Apparently, Tae has finally found something he’s afraid to lose. It’s too bad for him that he’s shoved Hyunjin halfway out the door with his actions last night.

Tae’s loss, Changbin’s gain.

Potentially.

The Hyunjin in question is just staring at the offending device as it vibrates across the table and Changbin bites back a wave of frustration as another knock sounds at the door. He considers his options as he opens the door and wordlessly signs for the package. The deliverywoman seems to pick up on the tension in Changbin’s shoulders and hands over the box without a greeting or a goodbye. Changbin lays it down in the kitchen and leans back against the counter to watch Hyunjin work. He’s sure that Hyunjin can feel the eyes on him, but he doesn’t look up from his sketch. Changbin likes this look on Hyunjin- or any look, really. But especially this. When he’s concentrated, he looks so stormy. He’s something truly beautiful, and that’s Lim Tae’s own loss if he can’t see it.

If it was another of Hyunjin’s relationships, he would question why Tae won’t take the time out of his day to come to the apartment and apologize in person, but since Changbin first met Tae, Changbin has continued to stand firm on his assertion that Tae was never going to be welcome in their home. Under any circumstances. He had hoped at the time that putting his foot down about it would be enough to make Hyunjin reconsider their relationship, but it seemed to spur him on instead. Hyunjin just spent more time elsewhere with Tae.

At his home, probably. The Lim manor. One of the most gorgeous homes in Paju-ssi, which is truly saying something.

He’s never felt the need to compare himself to Hyunjin’s partners before, but Tae’s family can make even Changbin’s look destitute. Tae is heir to some of the biggest technology manufacturers in Asia. Phones and tablets and smartwatches and headphones. Changbin can only pray for Tae’s family, that he doesn’t run the whole thing aground the instant he gets a hand on the wheel.

The majority of Hyunjin’s past partners have had some glaringly obvious flaw. Something that Changbin could reassure himself with. But Tae hasn’t slipped up too badly so far, until last night. He tells Hyunjin the right things at the right times. He shows an interest in Hyunjin’s job and his interests. He even asks Hyunjin about his art. All of that on top of also being rich and handsome.

Hyunjin is developing the tiniest little crease between his eyebrows. Changbin wants to kiss it.   

Eventually, the curiosity gets to Changbin. He opens just one of the gifts, a palm-sized bright blue box. Changbin isn’t a jewelry expert, but he’s pretty sure those are amethyst earrings. He lets the box snap back shut and opens a larger, flatter gray one. Hyunjin is watching him from the couch, so he turns the box around to show the contents. This time, a pearl necklace. It looks expensive, and despite everything, Changbin can feel himself fighting off a smile when he thinks about it. Tae and his assistants furiously online shopping, or otherwise throwing wads of cash at stunned jewelry store salespeople, trying to find the right gift for the one and only Hwang Hyunjin.

Changbin isn’t sure what he expected. Of course, Tae would buy something like this for Hyunjin. Something to enhance his looks. Not art supplies. Not something that he would use for the apartment. It makes him a little angrier on Hyunjin’s behalf, actually. Lim Tae really is the exact kind of rich jerk Changbin thought he was.

“It’s pretty. What do you think it cost? Eight hundred thousand?” Changbin lets his smile show, to make it clear that he’s teasing. If there’s anything Hyunjin loves, it’s a game. And if there’s anyone who can make Hyunjin smile right now, it’s Changbin. Another singular feeling- the knowledge of being irreplaceable in Hyunjin’s world. “Looks nice. Designer, probably. Chopard? What do you think?”

The look on Hyunjin’s face is softening. Changbin can’t put into words how glad he is to see it. Hyunjin reaches out a graceful hand and Changbin surrenders the gift immediately.

“It’s Tiffany.” Hyunjin is rotating it in his hands, over and over. He picks at the flawless white bow on top. His hair is falling into his face just a little, and Changbin wants to brush it back behind his ears. Sometimes, Hyunjin will let him play with it when they’re getting ready for bed, and it always feels so good when Hyunjin melts back into his hands.

“I don’t know what that means, Jinnie.”

“Higher. At least a million.” Hyunjin isn’t smiling yet but he’s sitting up straight and his eyes are bright as he looks at Changbin.

“What a cheapskate. You should get a boyfriend with a real job. And this one?” Changbin opens another box to find an amulet with a pair of fish engraved in it, silver and gold. He shows this to Hyunjin too. “Oh, Pisces. So, he does know your birthday.”

That’s a legitimate dig, actually, even if the rest of what he’s saying right now is just a joke. Tae had nearly missed Hyunjin’s birthday this year.  “How fancy. This one looks nice,” he teases. It does, though. This actually looks like something Hyunjin would have bought for himself. Or something that Changbin would have bought for him, if given the chance.

“He’s learned a couple new tricks. I think it is nice. Maybe four and a half? And he does have a real job.”

“Waiting to inherit the family fortune is not real employment. If it were, I would be interviewing for the position.”

Now, Hyunjin is smiling. He sets the sketchbook to the side and leans forward. It isn’t the face-splitting, ear-to-ear grin that Changbin is aiming for, but it’s something and Changbin can work with something.

There it is. This is the feeling. Hwang Hyunjin focused on him and only him. The two of them in their own little world. He wants to bask in this moment for as long as possible.

He scoops up a white bag and tosses it next to Hyunjin on the couch. “What’s in that one? You open that one and I’ll open this one. Oh, look at that. He got you Versace. How fitting.” He grabs a bag of his own and settles in on the couch beside Hyunjin to watch him.

Hyunjin digs in eagerly, tossing tissue paper to the side. Laughing, he pulls out a half dozen bottles of designer perfume, all bright and gleaming like costume jewelry. He lines them up in rainbow order on their coffee table for Changbin to see and gestures at him impatiently to open the next package.

Together, they open all the apology gifts Tae has sent over the next half-hour. Hyunjin laughs at the good ones and bad ones alike, and with every hint of happiness, Changbin feels his pride swelling. He did that. He made Hyunjin laugh, even in the wake of all the awfulness of last night. But this can’t last forever, he knows. They have to talk about it at some point. Really talk. Even if Hyunjin is ready to sweep the whole thing under the rug, Changbin is most certainly not.

He bides his time. Waits until Hyunjin has started to pack the gifts back up- clothes into one bag, jewelry boxes into another, little tech tidbits into yet another. His hair is falling into his face again.

“Are you going to break up with him?”

Hyunjin freezes, his back to Changbin. He resumes packing away the gifts, slower and with much less enthusiasm than before. He wads up a sheet of tissue paper in his hands and shoves it in their kitchen trash can with a little too much force. The bin wobbles briefly before coming to a stop. A tense moment passes before he grits out, “I’m not sure. I- well. I haven’t decided yet.”

Changbin had expected as much, if Hyunjin hadn’t said anything to Tae about the incident yet. It still hurts to hear out loud that Hyunjin is even somewhat willing to stay despite it. Changbin reminds himself that he made a promise not to interfere here, and he’s already toed the line in the last twenty-four hours. It won’t do any good if he does- Hyunjin is contrary by nature. If you tell him to walk to the left, he’ll sprint to the right.  If you tell him to jump, he’ll dig to the center of the earth instead. A charming feature- if you aren’t trying to get things done.

Changbin isn’t the only one who disapproves of Tae- the other members who have met him aren’t fond of them either. It’s telling to pretty much everyone that Hyunjin won’t put Jisung or Felix in the same room as Tae, even after months of dating. The two sweetest, more tender members, closest to Hyunjin’s heart. Changbin can only imagine the gentle disapproval on Felix’s face if he were to meet The Boyfriend. Some part of Hyunjin knows that this isn’t right, but he isn’t ready to just let go. And Changbin can’t wrap his head it.

Chan and Jisung must be tired of hearing Changbin trash-talk Hyunjin’s boyfriend but they haven’t stopped him yet. Maybe it’ll all be over with soon. He can only hope that it is, and besides that, there’s nothing for him to say other than-

“I’m here if you want to talk about it, Jinnie.”

When Hyunjin turns to face Changbin, the corners of his mouth are tugging down. His eyes are filling rapidly with tears and for once, he isn’t trying to cover his face and hide as he cries. Changbin half-rises off of their couch but Hyunjin holds a hand out to stop him.

“I just-“ Hyunjin exhales heavily. “You’re a good friend, Seo Changbin. Thank you.” He drops the wad of tissue paper where he stands and retreats into his own room. All Changbin can do is let him walk away.

Chapter Text

It takes Changbin a good half an hour to clean up the living room and pack away all of the presents neatly. For now, he tucks them into the rarely used hall closet and shuts the door quietly. He doesn’t feel like looking at them right now and he’s sure that Hyunjin won’t either. Out of sight, out of mind. Hyunjin has been entirely silent in his room the whole time. His calls from Tae have finally stopped coming in. His phone sits still on the table in the living room.

Once he’s finished his task, he takes an ice pack from the freezer. He opens Hyunjin’s door just the slightest bit, to slide it through, and closes it again.

“For your bruises,” he calls from outside, not expecting an answer, but the door swings open.

Hyunjin leans on the doorframe. His eyes are red-rimmed but he musters a tiny, wobbly smile for Changbin. He doesn’t look like he’s crying, instead as though he’s spent this time holding back the tears. The bruise on his face is starting to spread outwards. Thankfully, tomorrow is a recording day and not a photo or video shoot. They’ll spend the next half a week or so in a recording booth. Hyunjin can wear a mask for the majority of the time, and when he’s on camera, they can position it to only show the unmarked side of his face.

As if sensing his thoughts, Hyunjin touches the bruise gingerly. “Thank you, Binnie.” He looks down at his own hands, worrying at the seam in the side of the ice pack. "I know you want to talk about it, but I..."

“It can wait, if you don’t want to talk about it now. Or if you want to talk about it with Tae first. I would understand.” Changbin would not understand. Changbin is lying. He wants to be the person that Hyunjin goes to when things go wrong. He wants to be the one that Hyunjin needs to comfort him right now.

“I know. But I want you to know, this is the first time.”

“The first time for what?”

“All of it, I guess. He’s never been rough with me before. What I said last night is true. I wouldn’t be with him at all if he wasn’t a good person.”

Changbin has never seen a hint of this kind Tae that Hyunjin insists exists. Wishful thinking is as powerful as it is dangerous, he supposes. Money and love are not the same thing, and maybe Hyunjin hasn’t learned to tell the difference. Tae drops money on him like it’s nothing, but Hyunjin doesn’t light up around him the way that Changbin has seen in a couple of his past relationships.

Changbin catches himself. Hyunjin has chosen Tae for a reason. He has to believe that. He has to trust Hyunjin on that point, because if not, he’s going to drive himself insane thinking about it.

“I want to see you find someone who’s sweet with you all of the time. Someone who doesn’t make you cry like this. Someone who doesn’t lay hands on you. I thought he had really hurt you.”

Hyunjin smiles sadly. “No, I understand where Tae is coming from there. I should have just trusted him. He said that she was just a coworker and I should have just trusted him. We’ve been together for months now and I feel like he’s earned a little trust.” The resignation in his voice is painful to hear. 

“Jinnie, why in the world would you believe him over something you saw with your own eyes? You did see it, didn’t you?” Hyunjin nods in response. “There you go, then. You and I both saw it. Don’t doubt yourself on this. Don’t let him make you think that you didn’t see anything.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. And I’m really sorry that you got caught up in it. Both today and yesterday. I don’t-“ Hyunjin’s voice breaks and he looks up at the ceiling to fight back tears. It’s a moment before he speaks again. “I don’t want my trash love life to ever be your problem. I’m really sorry. I won’t let it happen again.” He’s folding himself smaller and smaller, wrapping his arms around himself. Self-conscious and maybe ashamed, though Changbin can’t think of a reason why.

Please, Changbin wants to say. Please let your trouble be mine too. Give it all to me and I’ll take care of it for you. Let me fight for you just this time and let me show you how I would love you if it were me. One more chance and I’ll find it in me to be brave. 

With that, Changbin knows he’s failed in convincing Hyunjin. He’s going to keep believing that this is his fault. And he’s going to hold Changbin at arm’s length until Changbin can figure out how to talk to him about it. He struggles to find a way to reassure Hyunjin in this moment. He can’t say what he wants to say and anything else feels as though it’s far too great an understatement. No one would refuse to support a friend through this situation, not if they cared for that person in the slightest. How then can Hyunjin assume that Changbin would shrug his shoulders and walk away? When Hyunjin is everything Changbin has ever dared to hope for. The most beautiful thing he’s let himself want.

He can sense that he’s been quiet for too long, so in the end he has to settle for the only thing he can say now. “There’s another cream in my bathroom that should be good for your face. Come on, I’ll help you.”

He leads Hyunjin into the bathroom and pats the counter for him to sit. Hyunjin lifts himself up next to the sink with the smooth grace that always makes Changbin catch his breath. This way, they’re almost at the same height. Hyunjin catches him staring and raises an eyebrow, so he busies himself with the contents of his medicine basket instead.

Changbin locks eyes with himself in the mirror at Hyunjin’s back as he opens the tube of cream. This close, he can smell Hyunjin’s real scent beneath the perfume and shampoo. Something sweet. Something mouthwatering. Changbin reminds himself to hold it together as he steps up between Hyunjin’s spread knees to patch him up. He’s hurting right now and the last thing he needs is to deal with Changbin’s unwanted advances on top of the rest of it. It isn’t Hyunjin’s fault that Changbin doesn’t know how to let go of what could have been between them, when Hyunjin seems to have already figured it out.

Carefully, carefully, Changbin dabs ointment onto Hyunjin’s cheekbone. He’s as gentle as he can be but Hyunjin takes a sharp breath in anyway. He murmurs an apology and finishes up as quickly as possible. He forces himself to step away so that Hyunjin can slide back down to the floor. The quiet between them is fragile- it could shatter with a touch.

Hyunjin tilts his head, but he isn’t breaking eye contact with Changbin. He wonders briefly what look must be on his face, for Hyunjin to look at him that way. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how pretty his eyes are without colored lenses. He licks his lips and Changbin can feel himself swallow hard. Hyunjin tracks the motion.

“I’m going to talk to Tae in a couple days. In private this time,” Hyunjin whispers.

“Not here. And I’m not going to talk to him.” Changbin will not be able to hold it together if he sees Tae right now, no matter the promises he’s made.

“No. I’ll go to his place.”

“That’s probably a good idea.” Changbin turns his back to Hyunjin to repack his medicine basket. He hopes that he looks as though he’s doing something purposeful. In reality, he just can’t face Hyunjin as they discuss potential reconciliation with Tae. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to go see Tae alone. Changbin has to talk to someone about this. Bang Chan would know what to do, but he didn’t have very much to say last night on the phone.

“Thank you, Binnie. For all of it.” With that, Hyunjin is gone.

……..

It seems to be all 3Racha can do to keep a calm face during recording the next morning. Hyunjin has done his best to cover up his bruises with makeup, but almost a quarter of his face has exploded into purples, blues, and greens now and it’s a lost cause.

Changbin sometimes wishes that they had never agreed to film their recording process. The act of making music is a vulnerable one, and deeply personal between the members. This process is what had bridged the gap between Hyunjin and Jisung when they had first begun as a group. Shoving a camera in Hyunjin’s face right now is the last thing he needs. It’s a little dim in the recording studio and the grey walls don’t help, but Hyunjin looks a pale standing in the booth. Changbin and Chan are sitting side by side at the controls table, Chan spinning in his wheely chair as he thinks. Jisung is stretched out on the couch to their backs and Jinae is perched on the arm of it, sipping an iced coffee.

Jinae and Chan were both nice enough not to say anything about Hyunjin’s face, but Jisung had blurted out a “whoa!” loud enough to make Jinae flinch. Hyunjin had frozen in place, waiting for any further reactions, and only barely relaxed when he realized that no one was going to have an outburst.

Hyunjin has been off today while recording too- his voice doesn’t have the same usual sharp quality, like every word is meant to cut. That’s the voice that Chan prefers when writing songs- that’s what he has in mind when he writes lines for Hyunjin. And Hyunjin can’t seem to muster it today- his voice is cracked from crying yesterday and he sounds mournful above anything else.

After ten or so failed attempts, they finally manage to get a take from him that will work and Chan has him record for a different song on the album instead, something that will fit better with what Hyunjin seems to be channeling today. Changbin sits near-silently through it all. He wishes that Hyunjin could have a break for once, but he knows it’s better to keep him distracted instead of at home wallowing in his emotions. Tonight, Changbin will try and cook something for the two of them back at the apartment. He already knows that he’ll fail spectacularly. He can’t cook at all, despite Minho’s insistence that it’s a skill any adult should have. (If you ask Changbin, adults are allowed to eat how they like, and he likes DoorDash just fine.) But when Changbin DOES fail at cooking tonight, Hyunjin will be forced to intervene to prevent a kitchen fire.

And Hyunjin will be laughing and happy and distracted again. All it will cost is a little bit more of Changbin’s pride, but he’s starting to suspect that his pride went out the window when he first fell for Hwang Hyunjin.

Changbin is glad that Hyunjin sticks around to watch him record his raps. Another couple of hours and they’re done for the day. Seungmin and Jeongin will be in tomorrow to record for the more ballad-sounding songs and then they’ll only have one more to record. It’s a busy week, all things considered, and Changbin really hopes that he can manage to keep Hyunjin occupied in the few breaks that they do have between events.

Hyunjin excuses himself from the room as Changbin begins to pack his things back up. He says he’s going to check the vending machines for anything good but really Changbin thinks he’s going to touch his makeup. Jinae steps out right after him to make a phone call.

He shoves his laptop and its charger back into his bag, and grabs Hyunjin’s keys too, which he seems to have forgotten. He knows that Chan and Jisung are watching him and he realizes that Jinae leaving was a setup, so that 3Racha could speak alone. He straightens from where he’s been fishing around under the desk.

“Out with it,” he snaps. “You have something to say and I have places to be, so go ahead and say it.”

“You were right. And I’m sorry.”

That isn’t what Changbin was expecting from Chan at all. But it’s good to hear, even if he has no idea what specifically Chan is talking about right now. It kind of takes all the anger out of him, to be honest, which manages to also make him angry, because anger is the only thing that feels satisfying right now. Changbin’s hands are tied. Being angry is all he can do.

“I wish I had been wrong, hyung,” Changbin sighs.

“I shouldn’t have asked you not to interfere. I shouldn’t have asked you to let it get this far. I’m really sorry.”

Jisung says nothing, just presses his mouth shut, eyes darting back and forth between Changbin and Chan. For a moment, he looks strange to Changbin and it takes a second to put two and two together. He’s put on just a little weight- just barely visible, a little extra roundness to an already round face. But if you look at Jisung every day like Changbin does, it’s unmistakable. Happy relationship weight, or the beginning of it.

Jealousy sparks in Changbin then. And he knows it shouldn’t. Minho and Jisung deserve to be happy together. Anyone who’s ever met them knows that they were meant for each other. It doesn’t make sense to begrudge them now of happiness that has been seven years in the making. But God, he wishes it was him instead.

“Spare your guilt, Chan-hyung. It isn’t your fault about the other night. It was mine. I should have gotten us both out of there earlier. Or I should have never let Tae lay hands on him. I was there, not you. It was my fault.” Against his will, Changbin can feel himself tearing up. When he slept last night, he had dreamed of Hyunjin laughing in Tae’s embrace, his lip split open and bleeding and both of his eyes blackened.

“Just listen, hyung,” Jisung pleads. “We want you to step in.”

“I knocked Lim Tae out in front of a hundred people! What kind of stepping in do you want from me? I could have really hurt him and then we would have a lawsuit on our hands. And who is we, exactly?”

Chan looks dead serious, even though he’s still turning back and forth in his spinny chair like a little kid. “We. Jisung and I.”

“You didn’t tell the other members, then. Good.” Changbin can’t think of a thing worse than the other members watching as Hyunjin’s love life goes up in flames. He remembers how it had felt to have the members see Hyunjin begin to date Tae and crush Changbin so thoroughly. The shame and embarrassment of it was tripled by all the quiet, pitying eyes on him. “What do you mean by step in? What do you want me to do about this, exactly?”

“Anything and everything you have to. Whatever it takes. What happened the other night cannot happen again.”

“Do you think I want it to happen again? Do you think, if I knew what was coming, that I would have just sat back and let it happen the first time? Do you think for one second that I would have just let Tae- let anyone put hands on Hwang Hyunjin? Is it not clear to you how I feel about him? What I would do for him?” Chan and Jisung’s silence is satisfying, but Changbin hasn’t said what he needs to yet. “I did my best and my best was. Not. Enough. I’m out of my depth here. If you two want to have an intervention, then you do it. I haven’t done a great job at handling this so far. As you can well see.” Changbin points at his own face in the spot where Hyunjin is bruised.

Jisung and Chan are giving him such a gentle and sympathetic look it makes Changbin want to put his head through a wall. But he guesses that this is only fair. The last time they had an emergency, he got to be the weird and irrational one. And now everyone else is losing their mind. Hyunjin, even considering staying with Tae. Chan and Jisung for thinking that Changbin wouldn’t burn Seoul and everything in it to the ground before he let someone hurt Hyunjin.

“We can talk to him.” Jisung sounds like he’s trying to calm an animal or perhaps a small child throwing a tantrum. “We’ll try to call him this afternoon.”

Changbin slings his bag over his shoulder and pockets Hyunjin’s keys. “Good. You do that. I’m going home.”  

Changbin slams out of the recording room, passing a flustered-looking Jinae on his way. He can feel bad for her, at least. She has no idea what she’s gotten herself into here, and now Changbin has frightened her. But the nerve of Chan to bestow his permission on Changbin to interfere now? Changbin is furious, boiling hot. A pair of staff practically leap out of his way as he stomps down the hallway towards the bathroom. He leans against the wall opposite the door, so that Hyunjin will see him as soon as he steps out of the bathroom.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been so angry at Chan, now that he thinks about it properly, and he isn’t sure why it’s setting in now. Changbin had told Chan, over and over, that Tae was no good and that it wasn’t going to go well. He had been told to keep out of it. And now that he’s been proven right, everyone is acting as though they were on his side from the beginning. As though they had never doubted that he was concerned and not just jealous. Changbin has plenty of anger left over for Jisung too. Acting like he knows anything about a bad relationship and how to leave it when his first and only relationship is with his precious soulmate-

All of the steam leaves him when he sees the way Hyunjin ducks out of the bathroom. He musters a little smile for Hyunjin, who gives the barest half-smile back. His heart feels bruised looking at Hyunjin.

Changbin guesses that makes two of them.

Chapter Text

They spend the majority of the afternoon at home. Around three or so, Hyunjin disappears into his studio (their guest room, but they never have guests that aren’t the other members) so Changbin takes that as his cue that Hyunjin needs some alone time and slips off to the gym. He doesn’t really want to leave, and he’s so frazzled on his way out that he can barely find his gym equipment. It seems as though nothing is where he’s left it.

The guest room has been Hyunjin’s studio since they first moved in. It’s his sacred space and Changbin only goes in when he’s invited to do so. Hyunjin paints the most when he’s upset about something, and he usually paints about the subject of his frustration, so to go into his studio without permission would be close to leafing through his diary. That’s another thing Changbin loves so much about Hyunjin- he works in such clear and predictable ways. Changbin isn’t very good at reading between the lines. Hyunjin always makes it so that he doesn’t have to. He paints when he’s upset and he draws in his sketchbooks when he’s calmer. Grays and browns when he’s melancholy and reds and yellows and greens when he’s feeling inspired. Sometimes Hyunjin is the only thing that really makes sense to Changbin.

Inspired Hyunjin is the best Hyunjin. He’s white-hot when he’s inspired- holy fire crushed into the shape of a man. His energy isn’t contagious, it’s consuming. He’ll be awake for two days straight throwing paint at canvas and then he’s crashed on the floor of the studio, only to be at it again a few hours later as though his life depends on it. It’s like nothing else. Hyunjin is like nothing else.

And Changbin does wonder if Hyunjin wouldn’t be happier as an artist and an artist only. He could be one of the ones that never shows their face, like Banksy. Changbin could retire and be his manager. They’d be old and fat and happy in their apartment together, living off of takeout and watching television reruns until they died. And that would be all that Changbin needed.

Really, he’s kidding himself. Neither of them would give up what they had for the world. But it’s nice to think about a life where Hyunjin is content. Where he feels valued for more than just his looks.

Changbin calls out a quick goodbye to Hyunjin before he leaves but doesn’t hear a response, so he heads on to the gym. He’ll be close if Hyunjin needs him, anyway. The workout itself is fine. He likes to go at odd times like this- the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, when most people would be at work. It’s better for not being recognized and interrupted. He does back and arms today, and he only stops when his muscles are burning and his head is fuzzy enough with endorphins that he trusts himself to go back home.

Changbin decides against cooking that night. He’s too irritated to try it and Hyunjin is in a foul mood too, so he takes them both out for hotpot close to the apartment. He may be insane and delusional but he thinks of this restaurant as their place. They first came here when they had moved in- both of them tired and sweaty from carrying boxes around.

Hyunjin had scoffed at it from the outside- cracked red vinyl booths and a flickering neon sign hanging on the door. No one was sitting inside and usually, Changbin also takes that to be a bad sign in a restaurant. But most places were closed and it was cold out, so they went in anyway.

The food is good and the elderly woman who owns the restaurant- Mrs. Park, but she tells them to just call her their halmeoni- likes to slip freebies in with their meal. She says it’s nice to have such sweet young men in her establishment and that seeing them makes her day. Mrs. Park can’t be more than a meter and a half tall, but she makes it very clear that though her husband’s name is on the lease, she runs this establishment and it is hers.

Just to tease Changbin, because he knows how paranoid Changbin can be about being recognized in public, Hyunjin had let it slip to Mrs. Park on one of their first visits there that they were idols (Changbin had hoped against hope that she would either not care or forget) and now there’s a poster of Stray Kids up behind the register. Which, while it was sweet that she was so determined to support them and their ventures, was also a little bit embarrassing.

Hyunjin had laughed himself to tears when it had first gone up. Changbin had not found it very funny, and he was very afraid of what she had found find online when she went to look them up. Namely, the Red Lights music video. Or the Railway music video. Or the Your Eyes music video. There’s a lot of things that Changbin hadn’t wanted her to see, but Hyunjin didn’t care, and he laughed Changbin’s concern off too.

The next time they went in, a series of Hyunjin photocards (mostly Maniac era) was lining the counter, smiling at all of Mrs. Park’s guests.

He didn’t laugh again about it after that.

Today, Mrs. Park is on them as soon as they walk through the door. Since Hyunjin is tall enough to be out of reach, Changbin takes the brunt of the cheek-grabbing and face-squishing as Hyunjin snickers at him. She tells them both that they look too thin and ushers them quickly to a booth. She slides them menus, though they always order the same thing, and she’s off to the kitchen to scold her nephew for being on the phone while at work. The restaurant is a true family business, so all the cooks and bussers are a Park family member somehow. They’re a rowdy bunch, and they don’t look as though enjoy being around each other, but Mrs. Park’s nephew seems to be the most trouble of all of them.

Changbin tries very hard to look at the menu and not at Hyunjin for the first couple of minutes. He’s not actually reading it, just giving himself an excuse. Hyunjin likes to be left alone when he’s cooling off from something and Changbin is under no illusion that today was any easier for Hyunjin than it was for Changbin.

Changbin only looks up when he feels a change in the mood at the table and when he does, he finds Hyunjin smiling at him.

“What is it?” Changbin can feel his ears reddening and a smile creeping across his face. He can’t help it. He loves to see Hyunjin happy.

“Nothing.”

“No, what is it?”

“Nothing, nothing, it’s nothing. Really.” Hyunjin tries and fails to flatten his smile. That little kick of pride is in Changbin’s chest again, saying Look at that, I did that. He’s happy right now, even in all of this, and I did it, only me.

“Are you laughing at me? Because I don’t appreciate that when I was so kind and thoughtful as to take you out to dinner.” Changbin is only pretending to pout. As always, he’s ecstatic that he can pull this reaction out of Hyunjin even when he’s in his worst moods.

“No, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just-“ Hyunjin points over Changbin’s shoulder.

Behind Changbin is what Mrs. Park calls her knick-knack wall. It’s the most accurate term for what it is, really, and Changbin has no notes. The entire thing, much like most of the restaurant, is covered in whatever Mrs. Park has managed to get her hands on. It’s full of all kinds of quirky calendars, neon signs and cash from a million different countries. But there’s a new addition today. Hanging on the wall is a massive South Korean flag. Also on the flag is a relatively recent picture of Changbin, flexing his biceps and grinning at the camera. Changbin blinks a few times at it. The flag remains.

“This is it. That poor woman. She’s finally lost it.”

Hyunjin finally allows himself to laugh. “You shouldn’t talk that way about your biggest fan, you know. It might be considered rude. She might throw away her body pillow of you, and what would you do then?”

Now that is a terrible mental image.

“Stop it,” Changbin hisses, leaning in so only Hyunjin will hear. “I want to be able to come back here with you. And I can’t do that if I’m imagining Mrs. Park cuddled up with a little Dwaekki on her couch.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“But I didn’t say Dwaekki, I said a body pillow,” Hyunjin teases. “She probably keeps the body pillow for her bed and a-“

“What can I get for you boys tonight?” Mrs. Park appears at Hyunjin’s elbow, smiling, and Changbin startles so badly he feels his butt leave the seat. He does his best to cover it with a charming smile but she just raises an eyebrow at him.

“Just the usual and a couple of waters, thank you.” Hyunjin is startled too, but he is also infinitely smoother and more subtle than Changbin will ever be. They hand off their menus to Mrs. Park. “I really like that flag you have up there. Where did you get it? I might need one for my room. It’s nice.”

Mrs. Park lights up instantly.

Changbin is going to kill Hyunjin.

……..

It takes a while, after they’re back at the apartment, for Changbin to work up the nerve to ask Hyunjin about Tae. He waits until they’re doing their skincare before bed, both of them in Hyunjin’s bathroom because Changbin can’t find all of his usual products right now. He feels like he’s losing his mind recently- he’ll lay something down to not be able to locate it just a couple day later. Must be some of Hyunjin’s nervous energy. He has a tendency to rearrange when he’s anxious about something.

He’s putting on some kind of oil that Hyunjin recommended him and they make eye contact in the mirror and Changbin knows to do it now before he loses his nerve. He tries to make it sound casual when he asks. Like he doesn’t nearly as much as he actually does. Like he could go one way or another. “Have you talked to Tae yet?”

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow at him in the mirror, making forehead wrinkles in the cream he’s lathering on right now. At least like this, Changbin can’t see Hyunjin’s bruises, so it doesn’t hurt as badly when Hyunjin responds, ”Of course.” As though there was never any real consideration that Hyunjin would leave Tae.

Changbin turns away from the mirror to recap the products on the countertop. “And? What did he have to say?”

“Not much. He wants us to talk it out in person, so I’m going to meet him tomorrow.”

Changbin nearly fumbles the face oil off of the counter. “No one is going to blame you if you just walk away.” Changbin is surprised to hear it leave his mouth, but it feels right as he says it. “This isn’t something you have to work on or iron out. This is completely at-will. You can just walk away from him if that’s better for you. You need to choose yourself, no matter what it looks like.”

“That wouldn’t be fair to him at all. He’s a good guy. He should get the opportunity to explain himself. I mean, you saw how hard he was trying to get me back. If he didn’t care at all about me, he wouldn’t have gone to all of that trouble.”

“I don’t think I understand it, Hyunjin. I don’t think I can understand it. You’re hurt now, and it’s his fault. It’s simple to me.” Changbin knows it’s wrong immediately. He’s said the wrong thing. He shouldn’t let his tongue get away from him in this delicate moment, and now he may have ruined this bit of vulnerability between them.

Hyunjin starts to turn away from the mirror and Changbin steps in front of him before he can retreat to the studio or wherever else he would go. Changbin takes him lightly by the shoulders and peers up at him.

“Hey, Jinnie. Just explain it to me, okay? Tell me what I’m missing here. I’m missing something.”

“It’s my fault.”

Changbin hates this. He hates conversations like this. He wants to have this moment with Hyunjin, but his tongue is always so far behind his brain. When Hyunjin says that it was his fault, everything in Changbin screams to prove him wrong, to say the right words and make it all better, but Changbin can’t string the words together to make it work. He wants to be able to do this for him, though. He wants to be this comfort to Hyunjin. He wants to be a place where Hyunjin can find rest. He just doesn’t have the words that Hyunjin needs.

“What? No, Jinnie, don’t say that. Please.”

“It is, though. You saw him. He was so drunk. He wasn’t making any sense at all and he kept losing his balance. How could I blame him for anything that happened in that moment?”

Changbin doesn't remember this oh-so-intoxicated Tae. “But you were drunk too when it happened. How could it be your fault?”

“He was so much more far gone than I was. Anyone could see that. I was the one who was more in control at the moment. I knew what I was doing and he had no idea. So, I can’t blame him for anything that happened that night.”

“Do you blame me, then? For punching him?” Changbin’s heart is in his throat. It’s what he’s really been anxious about since Tae’s birthday. It felt selfish before and it feels selfish now. That Hyunjin is handling all of this, none of which he deserves, and Changbin is only worried about whether or not Hyunjin is angry at him right now.

Hyunjin wraps a hand around Changbin’s bicep and squeezes it gently. “You thought you were protecting me in the moment. I’m never, ever going to blame you for that. Even if it’s my boyfriend that you think you’re protecting me from. And even if you punch his lights out in front of two hundred people.”

“It was more like one hundred people.” Changbin doesn’t know how to say thank you in this context. Thank you for not being angry with him. But nothing else makes sense to say.

Hyunjin threads a couple of fingers from his other hand through one of Changbin’s belt loops and Changbin pauses to remind himself. This is normal among the members. This level of contact. This isn’t what Changbin’s heart wants to tell him. Hyunjin isn’t dropping hints. He has no interest in Changbin, he’s just trying to take comfort in this moment. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything at all.

“All right, then. One hundred.” Hyunjin smiles at him and that familiar pride is filling Changbin up again.

“What are you going to say when you see him?”

Hyunjin drops his hand from Changbin’s hip as though he’s been burned, but leaves the one around his upper arm. It isn’t helping Changbin’s concentration or his eloquence at all. “I’m going to just tell him that I want to start over. I want to pretend like it didn’t happen in the first place and move on with our relationship.” Hyunjin bites his lip. Changbin also wants to be biting Hyunjin’s lip. “I don’t want him to feel like he has to apologize forever to me for this one mistake, when he and I were both in the wrong.”

Changbin doesn’t understand how the math is adding up to just one mistake, but he lets that go. “I want to go with you when you see him and make sure that everything goes okay. I know that you love him-" That is harder to say than he expected."-And you trust him, but I don’t trust him at all. I never trusted him to take care of you and now I can’t even trust him not to be violent towards you.”

Something unreadable passes over Hyunjin’s face and he grips Changbin tighter. “You can’t come, Changbin. I’m sorry, It has to be just Tae and I for this part, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll bring you to the parties and events we attend in the future, like how we did before.”

“I don’t like this, Jinnie. What are you going to do if he tries to hurt you again?”

“It isn’t going to happen,” Hyunjin soothes. “He’s not a bad person. It was just one bad night.”

“I hope that you’re right.”

“Please don’t be worried about it, Changbin. I think Tae is going to prove me right. But I appreciate your concern.”

Changbin thinks that Tae is going to do a lot of things when they start speaking again, and none of them will be proving Hyunjin right.

“Promise me that you’ll tell me if something happens again. If he hurts you, if he looks at someone else, if he says something to you. Promise me that you’ll tell me if he does something- anything at all- to you. Promise that you won’t just bite your tongue and suffer through it.”

“Nothing is going to happen, Changbin. That part, I can promise you. Nothing bad is going to happen to me. But you’re a good friend for worrying. And thank you for being so gentle with me during this. I know it has to be difficult for you to sit on your hands.”

Changbin knows when he’s lost.

“I’m always here for you. Always.”

Hyunjin gives him a tight-lipped smile as he releases Changbin. “I know. Don’t worry about me. It’s going to be okay.”

Chapter Text

The next time they’re at the studio, Changbin goes out of his way to catch Jinae alone. After what happened during recording the other day, he feels the need to apologize to her. He had the right to be angry, but not to make her uncomfortable. She’s shown exactly how valuable she is to the team recently, and Changbin really feels as though he can’t afford to lose anyone right now.

He corners her in the breakroom before he can think about it- how scary it would be to be cornered as one of the staff by an idol alone.

Changbin clears his throat and Jinae jumps about half a meter in the air, sloshing her iced coffee all across the counter.  She whirls around, eyes wide, and Changbin takes a couple steps back.

“Hey, woah-“ Changbin locates a roll of paper towels and lays a couple down to start absorbing the liquid. “Sorry,” he says, straightening up. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” Again, he adds mentally. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to catch you alone.”

If anything, that scares Jinae worse. With a pang, Changbin has realized that she’s spilled a little coffee on her pink sweater, and he offers her a handful of paper towels in apology.

“Not like that. Just- I wanted to apologize to you for you having to be around the other day when Jisung and Chan and I were arguing. I know you were trying to be polite, stepping out like that, and I really appreciate that.”

Jinae’s shoulders slowly unbunch from by her ears and she blinks at him owlishly. “Don’t worry about it. I get it- idol life is stressful.” It sounds more like she’s repeating a mantra than stating her opinion and Changbin doesn’t like it at all.

“No, really. I’m sorry. I know how-“ How does Changbin put this politely? He knows how idols can be to their staff. It’s no secret- companies will always side with idols over their more ”replaceable” employees and idols take advantage of it every day. “I know how it can be, working here. Staff are to be seen and not heard. I don’t want it to be like that for our crew. Especially not for you. You’ve been very good to us in the past and you deserve to be rewarded.”

And it’s true. They’ve always liked Jinae. But since she became one of the management staff, she’s been glued to their side and Changbin couldn’t be more grateful for it. As far as he knows, none of the members have ever explicitly addressed the Choe situation with Jinae. She received a formal letter of thanks from the company and a promotion with a significant pay raise. But what she did was a favor to Changbin, in the end, and she does deserve a thanks from him as well.

She stops scrubbing at her sweater to properly gape at him. “You mean the thing about the petition.”

“Yes. I know it’s been a while, and I really should have said it sooner, but I’m really thankful that you came forward. It was important to the company and for the sake of the group, but it was very important to me personally, and I’m not going to forget it.”

Something shifts in the air. Whatever practiced meekness Jinae had been wearing unravels. She sets her coffee down and leans against the counter. “Do you know why I started working here?”

Changbin can feel himself flushing. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s been part of the office gossip trade but… “You were in college before this. To be a doctor, or a nurse, I think? You had to drop out for financial reasons.”

She nods. “Didn’t even manage to get through my undergraduate degree before my money ran out. Lost my campus housing and needed cash. Any job would do. The café on the second floor here needed a cashier. I got moved to working with you all when they found out I already had some CPR training. In the time I’ve worked here, do you know how many other idols have ever apologized to me for anything? Or thanked me for anything?”

“I’m going to guess it’s pretty low, if your tone is any indicator.”

“Zero.”

“It’s a thankless job. Or- so I’ve been told.” Maybe Changbin should’ve had this conversation before. If not with Jinae, then with another staff member. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be the one behind the camera, instead of the one who’s always in front of it.

“It is. You guys make it easier, though. I’ve heard some horror stories from other staff.”

“I’m glad. I’m still sorry. What you saw the other day was related to a personal matter and it shouldn’t have become a business one. It was unprofessional of us and I’m sorry.”

“I can imagine that when you live such a public life, the lines can get blurred.” Jinae shrugs. “So. Lim Tae, huh? Seems like a piece of work.”

“I thought that the studio was supposed to be soundproof.”

“Not that soundproof, Changbin-hyung.” Jinae bites the inside of her cheek in a way that makes Changbin think she’s trying to not to laugh at him, but strangely, it doesn’t irritate him the way it does when Seungmin does it. Maybe just because it isn’t Seungmin.

Well, that’s pretty embarrassing. Changbin hopes that Hyunjin already let management know that he and Tae are in fact dating, or that will probably be an unwelcome surprise for them.

“I’m glad that someone agrees with me. This whole thing has been making me feel so crazy. First everyone trying to keep me out of it and now everyone is acting like I should have stepped in sooner.” Changbin rubs his face. “I don’t know what to think. I know I can’t let it slide, but there isn’t much I can do. If Hyunjin wanted to press charges, it would be different. But he doesn’t even want to break up with him…”

“I had a boyfriend like him once,” Jinae says. “I’ll tell you what I would do.”

“You had a boyfriend like Tae?”

“I think a lot of women do, at some point or another. It isn’t really uncommon.”

Yikes. “What would you do if you were me, then?”

Jinae picks her coffee up off the counter and sips it, flinching when she burns her tongue. “You already know that you can’t make him do anything. You’re going to have to let him come to you about it. He’s too scared to leave and he’s too scared to stay.”

“Why would he be scared to leave?”

“The Lim family is influential, to say the least. You punched him, correct? In front of witnesses?”

“How do you know that?”

“How did you know I was a pre-med student?” Jinae asks smugly.

Right. Office gossip. “Point taken. Please continue.” Maybe Changbin should have asked for Jinae’s opinion when he had the argument with Chan and Jisung. This is far more helpful than anything else he’s gotten so far.

“They’ve got to have a good bunch of lawyers. Say Hyunjin leaves, then the Lim family might decide that the incident was worth pursuing in a court of law. Hwang Hyunjin isn’t a stupid man, I’m sure he’s put two and two together on that point. Even though he would be justified in leaving, he might put the rest of the group in the crosshairs.”

“Are you saying that he shouldn’t leave?” Changbin does his best not to sound stunned, but he doesn’t think he pulled it off. The thought that maybe Hyunjin has been trying to protect him never occurred to Changbin. Not when Changbin has been spending all this time trying to protect Hyunjin

“I’m not saying that at all. I think he should leave. I know that I wish I had left my relationship sooner than I did. But if Tae was so ready to lay hands on Hyunjin in front of a crowd of witnesses, you have to consider what has to be happening behind closed doors too.”

“Tae hitting him in private?” 

“Maybe. Maybe some other kind of abuse, but I mean the mental aspect of it. I’m sure that Hyunjin wouldn’t be with a man that hits him if there weren’t also a few layers of emotional manipulation. He’s probably worried about what leaving Tae would say about him. It’s never as simple as just leaving.”

Jinae stands quiet for a moment after that statement, and Changbin realizes that she’s not just talking about Hyunjin right now.

“When you left your ex, what did you do?”

“Sent it by text. Didn’t have to guts to do it in person. He started showing up at my parents’ place, so I got a restraining order.” She sounds so casual when she says it. “But the breakup isn’t the part you need to be worried about. You need to be worried about the aftermath. When Ma-“ She clears her throat. “When I left my ex, I spiraled horribly. Tried to throw myself into things too quickly. That’s what you need to be careful of.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s going to need time to be himself again. It isn’t a factory reset, when you go through that kind of breakup. He doesn’t need a rebound or a revenge hookup. He’s going to need time to remember how to be himself without Tae again.”

Changbin mulls this over for a long minute, enduring her hard stare on the side of his head. “I think I know what you mean. It would be a bad idea for Hyunjin to… get back on the horse. Anytime soon.” This is maybe the last thing that Changbin wanted to hear, but if it’s for Hyunjin’s sake he can wait a little while longer. If that’s what it takes for this to work.

“It may be longer than you expect. It’s been three years since my breakup and I still haven’t found the nerve to get back into dating again.”

“Let me know when you do. I’d be glad to give him the shovel talk.”

Jinae smothers a laugh with her hand. “Let’s hope that isn’t necessary.”

……..

While he’s already away from the apartment, Changbin decides to kill two birds with one stone. He sends Yongbok a text when he’s ten minutes out, just so that he knows Changbin’s coming, but doesn’t clarify beyond that.

Yongbok and Seungmin’s apartment is even closer to the JYPE building than Changbin and Hyunjin’s. The building is older, and a little rickety going up the stairs. Yongbok has never really gotten used to having as much money as they do now. He still lives as though it’s the pre-debut days. Eating whatever’s cheapest or smallest on the menu at a restaurant, ordering things in bulk to cut shipping costs, never getting anything he isn’t sure to need.

It’s pure luck that Seungmin is out tonight with friends, getting dinner. Because Yongbok is the one that Changbin needs to speak to, and this isn’t the kind of conversation that needs any witnesses.

Yongbok is a gracious host. He has a plate of snacks on the kitchen table by the time Changbin makes it up to the fourth floor. He ushers Changbin in and takes a seat in the kitchen without a word. Changbin notices, idly, that Yongbok’s lips are chapped.

“Hyunjin is worried about you. I’m not sure what was said or what was done, but he’s mentioned it to me more than a couple times in the past few days.”

Changbin can see just a sliver of Olympic Park through the kitchen windows. A slash of bright green grass and glittering water peeking between two neighboring apartment buildings. Maybe the apartment is a little nicer than he thought.

“He doesn’t have anything to be worried about. You should tell him that.”

“I have a rule about not lying to Hyunjin.”

That earns Changbin a venomous look that he hadn’t known Yongbok was even capable of. He doesn’t feel the full heat of it, though. Yongbok is no threat under normal circumstances, and now, in his semi-sickly state, it’s even lessened.

Changbin reaches out slowly and wraps his hand around Yongbok’s wrist. He can hold it easily, with room to spare. The bones of Yongbok’s arm are just a little sharper under Changbin’s touch than they were a couple months ago.

“Tell me how to help you. Tell me how to change things.”

“Please get out of my apartment.”

“Talk to me. Talk to Hyunjin. Talk to anyone, Yongbok. We’re all ready to listen to you and we’re all ready to help. Hey.” Changbin lays a hand flat on the table. “Talk to Chan.”

“Get. Out. Of my apartment.”

Yongbok doesn’t bother to get up to escort him out and instead sits slumped at the kitchen table, looking for all in the world like a puppet with its strings cut.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin doesn’t bother putting on any makeup to see Tae.

He isn’t quite sure why. He’s ugly to look at right now- maybe for the first time in his life. It’s fading, but not fast enough.

Hyunjin knows for sure that beauty is something that Tae enjoys about him. Compliments him on it. And who wouldn’t enjoy having a beautiful partner? Someone to brag about?

Maybe he wants Tae to feel bad. To feel guilty. To hurt as bad as he did. By not covering the bruises, he’s saying Look what you did. You hurt me, and you hurt something else you care about in the process. And Hyunjin knows that that’s childish and ridiculous, because he isn’t even sure of what he saw any more, but it’s how he feels. To top it off, he’s wearing the necklace that Tae got for him on their first proper date. Whether out of sentimentality, or as an accusation, he isn’t sure yet.

A little bit of Hyunjin regrets not agreeing to have their talk in a more public place- somewhere he can escape easily if he needs to. But that always comes with the risk of being filmed or photographed. And if Tae’s birthday wasn’t the end of their relationship, then being outed certainly would be.

Plenty of good relationships crumble when faced with that kind of pressure. It would be a real test of how strong they are together. Hyunjin doesn’t want to go through that kind of test. He doesn’t want to see the results.

He has his Uber driver drop him off at the Lim mansion gates and walks up the long drive by himself, hands in his pockets. He hasn’t decided how he’s going to approach this or what he’s going to say. The more he runs it through his mind, the less and less real Tae’s birthday seems. The only thing that remains perfectly clear in Hyunjin’s mind is, to his worsening guilt, Changbin on the couch with him talking. That, and the blinding pain ringing through Hyunjin’s skull as his head bounced off the table.

Changbin hates things like that, and yet he had come for Hyunjin’s sake, the way that Hyunjin had come for Tae’s.

Hyunjin kills the comparison in his mind instantly. It’s not fair at all. Whatever is between Hyunjin and Tae is different entirely from what’s between Changbin and Hyunjin. Tae and Hyunjin are actually dating, after all, and Changbin and Hyunjin never even got that far.

And then he scolds himself for that thought, too. It won’t ever happen. Hyunjin and Changbin won’t ever wind up together. But what lies between them is not the same as what Hyunjin and Tae share.

Hyunjin has always said that Tae is the one who keeps him on his toes and it’s true. From their very first non-date, he never knows what to expect when he’s going to see Tae. And that can be unsettling or it can be exciting. Hyunjin tries to choose to be excited by it.

Changbin is the eye of the storm. Not only in his friendship with Hyunjin, but in his relationship with all of the members. He can be counted on both when it matters most, and when the stakes are low. It gives Hyunjin the space to be whatever he needs to be in the moment, and he always has a safe point to return to.

Changbin and Tae play directly opposing roles in Hyunjin’s life. He doesn’t know how to begin weighing them against each other. Maybe he shouldn’t try.

The Lim family estate is no different from the gardens. Bursting with green, new life. For kilometers in every direction, nature reigns supreme. And in the middle of it all, like the pearl in a shining shell, is the mansion itself. At night, though, every rustling leaf and snapped twig seems to be something ready to lunge out at unsuspecting passersby. Hyunjin thinks that it’s far less intimidating in the daylight than now, when he’s walking towards the pristine, brilliant monument of the mansion in the dark with no clue of what’s waiting for him. As he rounds the final bend in the driveway, he can finally lay eyes on it.

Hyunjin only saw it briefly in the dark the night of his first date with Tae, and it was dazzling. It’s no less so now, despite the circumstances he’s here under. Beautiful, and utterly silent. Two security guards stand on either side of the front door, as always. The security at the estate is extensive, and it’s only recently that they haven’t been treating Hyunjin as though he’s a potential terrorist. He can tell when they spot him, because they tense in unison before directing their gaze back forwards at… something resting on the front stairs that lead from the driveway up to the front door.

And as always with Tae, he’s surprised. Hyunjin is only barely able to make it out in the dark, but that’s him.

Tae is sitting on one of the top steps of the grand staircase out front, a clear bottle of something by his feet. He’s got his elbows propped on his knees, his head bent over. The sleeves of his usual white dress shirt are rolled past his elbows and there’s no tie in sight. He’s been waiting for Hyunjin here. Maybe not for long. He’s throwing Hyunjin off balance again, when Hyunjin had expected that they would hold this conversation in the mansion somewhere private- maybe in Tae’s room.

A chill up the back of his spine makes Hyunjin stop dead at the bottom of the stairs. His sudden halt doesn’t make Tae move, either. But as soon as he sets his foot upon the bottom stair, Tae sits up straight again and raises his head to watch as Hyunjin ascends.

“Why are you waiting out here for me? I thought you would want to talk in the parlor,” Hyunjin calls. The parlor is where the Lim family does business. A little impersonal for this, maybe, but it’s what they have. This might not be the type of meeting that should be held in a bedroom.

“I thought you might not want anyone overhearing us. I know that I don’t want anyone in our business, whether it be my family or the staff.” Tae’s voice is perfectly even, calm and reasonable, in strange contrast with his attire. He shifts slightly as he speaks and when he tilts his head just right, the lights on the front of the house illuminate the left side of his face, which looks every bit as bruised as Hyunjin’s.

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Aren’t we a pair?”

“Is that why you’ve come? To crack jokes?”

“No. I’m sorry. That was insensitive. I came to apologize.” Hyunjin takes a careful seat on the stair next to Tae.

Tae deflates a little. “Me too.”

“Let me go first. I’m sorry for not trusting you when you said that you weren’t flirting. You were right. We’ve been together for a while and I do owe you more trust. I would say that it’s because of past relationships, but that would be an excuse and I’m sure that you’re even less interested in excuses than I am. I should have trusted you and I didn’t and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten in your face about it, either. I’m sorry that your birthday ended the way it did.”

“I’m sorry too. I lied to you in the moment. She wasn’t a friend of mine and I was flirting with her. I was flirting with her because I was jealous.”

Hyunjin doesn’t think Tae could confuse him any more if he tried. “Jealous? What are you talking about?”

“Jealous of you and Changbin. He seems to understand you so easily. And I try, I really do, but I don’t understand you a lot of the time. And I’m jealous of how you two flow so easily together.” Tae swallows. “And when you were putting all of your attention on him, I guess I went a little crazy. And that’s why I did what I did.”

“You don’t have anything to be jealous of. Changbin and I-“ Hyunjin looks up, searching for the right words. “We’ve known each other for a very long time. And we’ve been through a lot together, so yes. He gets me. But I think you get me too, more than you know.”

“That’s the thing, though. I do have something to be jealous of- all of that history. Don’t tell me that I don’t because I do. I do. You’ve traveled the world together and you’ve gone through difficult things together. You grew up together, a little, or at least matured together. That makes a different kind of bond.”

“I understand, and I’m sorry, I really am. I know how it must look to you when the two of us are together. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t love you.”

“Doesn’t it?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Please, Tae. I told you I’m here to apologize. I don’t get why-”

“You’re in love with him.”

Very few times in his life has Hyunjin felt this kind of panic, and they aren’t worth listing out. He slaps an amused smile- or as close as he can get- onto his face. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re in love with him. Or, maybe you were, And you just aren’t over him yet. That’s it, isn’t it?” Tae ticks them off on his fingers. “That’s why you moved in with him. That’s why you’re so eager to defend him. Why you left with him, instead of trying to stay at Lunar with me. You’re still holding out some kind of hope for him.”

Hyunjin protests, but Tae just holds up a hand. “Don’t start. Just answer me honestly. Do I have any chance at you? Realistically?”

Inexplicably, Hyunjin’s mind goes to all the apology presents sitting in the apartment right now. All the effort that Tae went to, even knowing that Hyunjin was mostly at fault for last night. Their date to the museum, when Hyunjin knows that Tae barely cares for art at all. The million tiny moments that Tae has made Hyunjin feel a little seen, a little heard, a little alive on the inside.

“Yes. You do. If you still want it. I understand if you don’t. I understand if you want to walk away and I won’t be angry.” Hyunjin answers quietly. He hasn’t made eye contact with Tae this whole time, his gaze fixed on the step beneath his feet instead. He feels like a scolded child more than anything. And he doesn’t know what it means for him now if Tae turns him away. What would Hyunjin do if he did? He thought that he was the one giving Tae a second chance, but if Tae really does care for him, it’s the other way around completely. The idea that he would still try to be with Hyunjin, knowing that Hyunjin’s eye has been on Changbin this whole time…

Well, it’s a level of forgiveness that Hyunjin himself knows that he would never be able to bestow on someone that he was with. As shameful as it is to say. But when is he going to get a better offer than this? The opportunity to prove to his partner- and to himself- that he can move on from Changbin and let the past lie?

“I do. I want you more than anything,” Tae says, and Hyunjin can tell that that is the truth, and he’s so relieved he almost cries.

“Then let’s try again. Please. I don’t want to think about last night any more. I don’t want to talk about it. If you’ll forgive me all of it, I’m more than ready to forget it.” Hyunjin feels like he’s begging more than negotiating, but he doesn’t care, he’s so happy.

“On one condition.”

“Name it.” Hyunjin knows better than to say that Tae can have anything. There are several things that Tae cannot have from Hyunjin, and most of them involve Seo Changbin.

“I want you to be mine from now on, Hyunjin. Completely mine. I know you aren’t over him yet, but I want you to try to be. I love you and I don’t want to be sharing you anymore. It drives me crazy that I’m thinking of you and you may not be thinking of me.”

“That seems only fair. I really am sorry about last night. I hope you know that.” Hyunjin finally looks up and he’s struck all at once by how soft Tae looks right now.

Tae reaches over and interlaces their fingers. “Hey, we already agreed. It’s in the past. It never even happened. But I’m going to say something, and I want you to know that I’m only saying it because I love you. I don’t say this to hurt you at all, but I’m afraid that it is going to hurt when I say it.”

Hyunjin isn’t sure how much he believes that. And that may be his own shaky trust talking, or that may be real instinct. He isn’t sure how much Tae doesn’t want to hurt him in this moment. If Hyunjin were Tae- looking at a man he loved, who had lied to him all along and was in love with another man instead- Hyunjin would want everyone to hurt the way that he did. So, no. Hyunjin isn’t sure he believes Tae when Tae says that he doesn’t want to hurt him. It’s not a scary thought, he reasons. Whoever fell in love without getting hurt?

Tae seems to take Hyunjin’s silence as a waiting one.

“Changbin doesn’t love you. Not romantically, at least. He certainly values you as a friend and as a coworker, but when he looks at you…” Tae shrugs a little. “You can see it in someone’s eyes when they’re in love. And Changbin just isn’t.”

Is that all? Hyunjin kind of wants to laugh. Hearing it out loud from someone else is painful, to be sure, but what could Tae have ever told Hyunjin about Seo Changbin that Hyunjin didn’t already know?

“I could have told you that, baby. Changbin isn’t in love with me. I think he used to be, but he hasn’t been for a long time now.”

“I just didn’t want you to think that when I asked you to be all mine, I asked it for selfish reasons. I’m trying to look out for you, too. I don’t want you to be chasing forever after a man that doesn’t love you the same way that you love him. That isn’t fair to you at all and it isn’t what you deserve.”

“And what is it I deserve?” It surprises Hyunjin a little when it comes out of his mouth, but he lets it hang in the air without retraction anyway.

“Love, which I can already offer you and Changbin cannot. Loyalty, which I promise you’ll always have from me, from now on. Money, which doesn’t matter much to me, but may wind up being very important to you. Power, which you have some of yourself, but I find that it tends to go hand in hand soundly with money. And whatever else you want that I can grant, it’s yours.”

Hyunjin retracts his hand from Tae’s and lays down on the stairs, uncaring of the security watching him. The mansion lights are far too bright. They drown out any stars that might be seen out here. The sky is an orange-gray haze instead of the black it should be. He feels around with one hand until he grasps the bottle at Tae’s feet. He takes a swig.

It doesn’t make him feel any better, so he takes a couple more.

“He’s still going to be around. Changbin. Because he’s my member, and my friend. And because now, he’s going to be worried about our relationship, because of what happened. I hope you understand that.”

“I do.” Tae doesn’t give any sign of elaborating further.

“You’re making a lot of pretty promises to me right now. I hope you aren’t rushing into them faster than you can think about them.” Hyunjin hates the sharp tone of his own voice. He doesn’t want to hurt Tae. Not really. He can’t help himself, though.

“I’m not rushing into anything. With you, with this relationship… Honestly, I like you so much that sometimes I feel like we’re moving too slow. I know that’s a lot, so please don’t feel as though you have to follow through on anything if you don’t feel the same way about it right now. I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to.”

“I’m not really sure what you’re talking about right now, Tae. You met my friends and I met yours. Do you want to meet my family? Is that it? I mean, I met yours already.” Hyunjin wasn’t really a big hit with the Lim family. The real old money types like them find those who got famous for doing things to be a bit tacky, whether it was for acting or modeling or singing. The Lim family was famous for being famous. That, evidently, was very different and far superior.

That’s something that Hyunjin will never understand.

“I don’t mean any offense, but no. I don’t want to meet your family. Meeting my family didn’t go over very well. Maybe someday, down the road.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I want you to be here more often. Spend time with me here. I know that you have a reason for not wanting me at your apartment, and I have a pretty good idea of what it is.” Changbin. “But you’re always, always welcome here.” Tae reaches into his pants pocket with one hand and lays something on the step between them. It’s a remote of some kind, black, with only one button and a little red light.

“What is this?” Hyunjin picks it up and turns it over. “Wait is it-“

“It’s the remote that opens the gate. So that you can come and go as you like, without having to ask permission at the speaker box. I had a copy made for you.”

It feels much heavier than it should in Hyunjin’s hand, and that’s because he knows what the remote really is. It’s safety. Tae is giving him a place to run to, when the outside world is too much, and an easy way out. But it isn’t just protection from the outside world. It’s protection from Tae’s own carelessness, when he sends the both of them hurtling towards the gate at a hundred kilometers an hour.

They’ve made a lot of promises tonight, and this is another. That from now on, Hyunjin is safe with Tae. From whatever may come. It doesn’t have to be spelled out for Hyunjin. Hyunjin understands. And he hopes again that this isn’t too big of a promise for Tae to keep.

This is worth more than all of the gifts sitting in Hyunjin’s apartment right now, combined. What do you do when someone offers you something like this? Without asking hardly anything in return? What can you say to accept it and how can you thank them?

“And, just one more thing, if you don’t mind. I know it’s a big ask, but…” Tae picks at a fingernail. “We’ve waited so long.”

A fierce nausea is crawling its way out of Hyunjin’s stomach and up his throat. And he thinks he already knows but he has to ask. “Waited so long for what?”

“To get physical. Would be much easier for us now that you can get in and out of here whenever you want.”

Hyunjin thinks of what it would mean to be in bed with Tae. Just like their dates. Feeling just a little disconnected from reality. Enjoying the moment and still wishing that it was Changbin instead. 

Tae is an attractive man. Hyunjin is sure that there are a million people in Seoul alone that would count themselves lucky if they got the chance to spend just one night in Lim Tae's bed. But when he tries to think of it, all he feels is the urge to run away. The kind of revulsion that leaves a tangible taste in your mouth.

Hyunjin must be hesitating too long because Tae backtracks.

“I mean, it might help with everything else too, right? It doesn’t have to be tonight, or right now. But surely, if you’re having sex with me, it could help get your mind off of all the past stuff.”

If by all the past stuff, Tae means Changbin, then Hyunjin is pretty sure that it isn’t going to get his mind off of all the past stuff. But when Hyunjin sees the hard, hungry glint in Tae’s eye…

Doesn’t Hyunjin owe him at least that? At least a couple times? Tae is probably right, anyway. How could Hyunjin ever get past Changbin if he won’t fully commit to Tae? He’s made Tae wait long enough for this. It’s a miracle Tae hasn’t actually cheated on him yet. Hyunjin would have deserved it, for making him wait. Maybe, if he gives in, then he won’t catch Tae all over someone else again. He won’t be humiliated like that again. Hyunjin can find a way to fight past this sick feeling if that's the payoff.

“Yes. Not tonight. But yes.”

The smile Tae gives him is bright- the brightest Hyunjin has seen from him- and Hyunjin knows that he’s given the right answer.

“Thank you, baby. Do you want to come inside? We already had our dinner but I’m sure that the staff won’t mind whipping you up something if you’re hungry.”

Hyunjin slips the remote into his own pocket. The tiny plastic fob feels much heavier now he knows what he's signing up for as he's accepting it. It doesn’t occur to him until Tae has escorted him back out of the mansion, loaded with colognes and even more jewelry, that his face hurts worse than it did before.

Despite himself, despite his best efforts, despite the tsunami of guilt crushing him on the inside, despite the tangle of disgust and apprehension beginning to knot up inside him, all Hyunjin is thinking about is Changbin when he walks back into the apartment. And that, despite everything else, feels good.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin comes back from his talk the next day with Tae absolutely glowing, his arms full of more gifts. Changbin is on the couch, fighting to get signed back into his Netflix account when Hyunjin comes back in. Changbin drops the controller on the table immediately when the door opens. Hyunjin stands in the doorway for a moment framed by the hall light and he’s gorgeous.

There’s a look that Hyunjin gets when he’s feeling inspired. Wide eyes and a borderline manic smile. Normally, his energy is infectious, but when he’s inspired it rolls off of him like heat waves. Changbin can feel it across the room. He’ll bet all he has that Hyunjin is going to be up all night tonight, throwing paint at canvas in the studio.

Jealousy lights in the pit of his stomach. He’s jealous that Tae is the one who gets to spoil Hyunjin like this and that Tae is the one who’s made him so happy this time. It’s stupid. There are a thousand other reasons to be jealous and this is the one that his mind has latched onto. He stuffs the feeling down and smiles back at Hyunjin.

“It went well, then?” Changbin ventures. He reaches out and shuts the television off as Hyunjin steps into the apartment and starts setting bags down on the island in the kitchen.

“It went really well. We talked about what happened and we were both able to stay calm. He agreed with me- he just wants to pretend like it never happened. He wants to move on.”

Of course, he agrees with you. Of course, he wants to pretend that it never happened. Accountability is the last thing on Tae’s mind at any given moment. And Changbin doesn’t like the phrase ‘we were both able to stay calm.’ Hyunjin rarely has an issue staying calm in the heat of an argument. At least, not until Tae. The fact he’s trying to shoulder some of the responsibility for Tae’s anger is grating on Changbin’s nerves. Changbin lets his gaze run over the barest trace of yellow-green bruise around the edge of Hyunjin’s eye socket, the only remaining evidence of what had happened on Tae’s birthday. Changbin isn’t going to pretend like it never happened, even if everyone else is content to do so. And he isn’t going to trust Tae again, either.

Changbin wonders what would have happened if they had just left the club without trying to talk to Tae. If he would have gone home with that girl or not. If Hyunjin would have ever found out about it. If Tae would have laid hands on Hyunjin in the first place or if it was only a matter of time. He only lets himself pursue that line of thought for a moment before he banishes it to the back of his head.

It isn’t his fault, he reminds himself. Even if he hadn’t spotted Tae flirting with the woman at the club, Tae would still be completely unworthy of Hyunjin’s time and love. Nothing would have changed that.

Hyunjin continues, “He’s having another party Friday next week at the estate and he wants me to come. It’s a merger thing, so less celebrities and more businessmen this time. I told him that you would be coming with me if I did and he agreed. If you want to come, that is. I know you’re probably more than sick of parties. But you and I did have that conversation about me going to events with you in the future so. . .” Hyunjin trails off, fidgeting.

Changbin doesn’t let him sit in suspense for long. “I’ll go, Jinnie. He can’t have been happy about that, though. I’m surprised he would want me on his property. What did you offer him to get him to go along with it?”

“I didn’t offer him anything. He said he’d be fine with it, if it was what I wanted. He probably wasn’t happy about it, but he agreed. I told you, he’s considerate.”

“Somehow, I get the feeling that he doesn’t like me.” Changbin can still hear Tae in his head sometimes when he’s with Hyunjin. Guard dog. There are worse things to be. Guard dogs don’t attack unless provoked, and Changbin can’t say the same of Tae.

Guard dog. As though Changbin was somehow in the wrong for being protective of Hyunjin. Well, who’s going to do it if Changbin doesn’t? Tae has proven himself to be more prone to hurt than to help and Hyunjin doesn’t care nearly enough for his own wellbeing. Maybe it’s bad and maybe he shouldn’t be, but Changbin is pleased to carry that. Or, at least, he isn’t ashamed the way Tae intended him to be. Guard dog. There are many worse things. And, clearly, his loyalty is not entirely unrequited. Hyunjin hasn’t expressed his displeasure once with Changbin for how he’s been with Tae.

Now, he’s advocating on Changbin’s behalf to Tae. Changbin sincerely hopes that it is as horrible a realization for Tae as it is relieving to Changbin, to see how much Hyunjin will fight for their friendship and for Changbin’s presence, when he knows that his boyfriend won’t like it.

“That happens when you knock people out. You don’t like him so I think it evens out, pretty nicely” Hyunjin responds evenly, and Changbin pinches the palm of his opposite hand to keep from arguing. “Do you want to see what I got?” He rattles one of his packages. It’s bigger than a lot of the gifts that he’s gotten before and it sounds muffled, with just a quiet metallic clink from the motion.

Changbin’s mind flashes briefly to the apology gifts sitting untouched in their closet that Hyunjin hasn’t so much as asked after. He wonders if it’s the gifts or the effort that Hyunjin cares about. If any of this will ever get used or if he’ll have to throw it all out every time Tae messes up and has to apologize. It’ll give him a little satisfaction watching it all go down the garbage chute, at least. He could donate the bags, at least, to a school. It would be funny to see elementary students running around in their little uniforms and a designer backpack.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s see it. But only if I get to try all the clothes on.”

"They might be a little long for you in the legs, Binnie."

"I have no clue what you're insinuating."

To Changbin’s infinite pride, again, Hyunjin laughs at that.

……..

It’s pretty close to eleven when Changbin knocks on the door of the studio. He’s already done his bedtime routine and he’s in his sleep clothes. There’s a brief moment where nothing happens, then the loud music inside cuts off and the door opens only enough to emit Hyunjin into the hall. He gives Changbin a tired smile and Changbin returns it before he can process what he’s seeing behind Hyunjin.

Through the small opening- though he doesn’t mean to- Changbin can get a glimpse of what’s on Hyunjin’s easel and his heart twists in his chest. Hyunjin’s work is brilliant, of course. Always that. But this piece is more impactful than usual. It’s a profile of a man who can’t be anyone other than Tae. It looks as though the lower layers of him were sketched out in a moss-green but the details of his face are all in shades of gray. It’s melancholy and it’s hopeful, too. The way Tae’s eyes are uplifted in the painting, like waiting for something from the sky.

Changbin doesn’t think he’s ever seen Hyunjin paint Tae before. He’s painted Tae’s car and a couple of their dates, but never the actual man. It feels like a bad omen to have an image of Tae in their apartment, where the man himself isn’t welcome to visit. Changbin tries not to let on that the painting bothers him, or that he’s noticed it at all. He lets his gaze trace the perfect curve of Hyunjin’s lower lip instead.

“I was just going to tell you that I’m headed to bed. You can stay up if you want.”

“No, I was just about to hang it up for the night.” Hyunjin steps forward and closes the door completely behind himself, leaving the two of them standing far too close for comfort in the hall. “I wanted to talk to you about something earlier, but I wasn’t sure how to ask.”

Cruel hope fills Changbin. “Anything.” He tries to ensure that Hyunjin can hear exactly how much he means it when he says it.

Hyunjin’s response kills that hope in an instant. “I don’t want you to run interference with the other members for me anymore. If they have concerns about Tae and I’s relationship, I want you to send them to me.”

Somehow, Changbin feels as though he’s been caught in something. “How did you find out?”

“Yongbok and I talked after-“ Hyunjin waves towards his own face. “You know. And he told me that he had made you promise not to mess with our relationship. Which, I appreciate that. You aren’t happy, but you want me to be happy. I just don’t like the thought that you’re all talking about me behind my back. I know that isn’t the intention, and that you’re trying to do what you think is right.”

Changbin doesn't know how Hyunjin managed to have a conversation with Yongbok at all. He's been dodging Changbin's calls since Changbin came over. “Jinnie, please don’t-“

Hyunjin holds up a hand. “No, let me say it. I’ve been rehearsing it for the past couple of hours.” He rocks on his toes. “I’m not going to tell you to stay out of it. I just want you to be honest and open with me if you’re worried or if you’re going to have a conversation with someone that I’m not a part of. I won’t tell you to not do what you think is right, because I know that goes against every fiber of your being. I just want the rest of you to trust me. And to treat me like an adult, really. I don’t want you to try to hold my hand through this.”

“We didn’t mean to hurt you. At all. We were just worried.”

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But I remember, when Jisung and Minho had their argument, how much everyone else was trying to smooth things over and reason with them behind the scenes. I don’t want the rest of you to be trying to do that for me. I want you to just trust me to handle this. Because I can, and I am handling it.”

There’s a significant delay between the words leaving Hyunjin’s mouth and them making sense in Changbin’s mind. Felix must not have told Hyunjin anything about the actual content of their conversations- only that they had been talking about him and Tae. Hyunjin thinks that, like with Minho and Jisung, the rest of the group was trying to figure out how to get them back together. He doesn’t realize that no one from the group approves. That they’re worried sick about his safety, not about the prospect of another breakup.

Hyunjin believes that the members- or at least, Felix- like Tae enough to try to save their relationship.

It’s such a genuinely absurd thought that Changbin almost smiles. He shakes his head to try to clear it, instead.

“Of course. I can’t promise anything for the other members, but I’ll tell you if I’m going to have a conversation with them about it.” There’s a smear of steel-grey sneaking paint sneaking up the side of Hyunjin’s face. “You might want to go wash your face before you get in bed.”

“What?” Hyunjin brushes at his face with the back of one hand, smearing the paint further. He glances at his hand and smiles. “I see it. Thank you.”

“Sleep well, Jinnie.”

“You too.”

When Changbin shuts himself in his room, he finds quickly that he can’t fall asleep.

Every room in this apartment has Hyunjin’s fingerprints on it. When they first moved in, it was already furnished for the most part, but anything else was chosen by Hyunjin. They ordered online and went to a million stores, throwing anything Hyunjin wanted in their cart, and Changbin was more than happy to hand over his credit card if Hyunjin asked for it. Changbin brought his kitchenware and his bedding, but everything on the walls here, all the plants and the rugs, that was all Hyunjin.

It’s bliss. To be so surrounded by Hyunjin at all times. To see his touch in everything. The majority of the decorations in Changbin’s room are either chosen by Hyunjin or made by Hyunjin. The painting over his bed is something that he made in their first week here-  it’s of a church that they saw in Italy together once. A cathedral. They had taken a thousand photos together in front of it and toured the inside. It’s all pristine white and tall, reaching spires. It’s Changbin’s favorite work. Because it was made for him, with him in mind. He knows it’s his, because Hyunjin had woken him out of a dead sleep to come see it in the studio. One of the few times he’s ever been invited in. It was a good memory before the painting, and now that Hyunjin has immortalized it, it’s nothing short of perfect. It’s something sacred, something they never posted online. Something for the two of them and not for the rest of the world when they’re forced to share so much of their lives already.

Changbin is proud of this apartment and the role he’s had in building it up. That Hyunjin feels safe here- that he has his own spaces, and he still feels okay bringing Changbin into them on occasion. Maybe that’s part of what Changbin is so afraid of, why he so badly wants Tae to stay away from here. He doesn’t want to risk their home.

He lived with Hyunjin in the 3Racha dorm before this, of course, but it had thrown the members into a flurry when Minho and Jisung announced that they wanted to move in together. No one had expected it, after so long of them living apart. To be honest, the members weren’t sure what Minho and Jisung’s relationship even was before then. The six of them had been evenly split between those who thought that they had been dating secretly all this time and those who thought that they had been dancing around each other and not actually dating yet.

Changbin was firmly on the not-dating side. He was very excited to rub it in Hyunjin’s face that he had been right and Hyunjin had been wrong. Hyunjin was just glad that there wasn’t any money on the line.

When Jisung and Minho had announced that they wanted to move in together to the group- while Jisung was still in the hospital with meningitis, no less, of course Hyunjin had been the first one that Changbin had thought of. After how he had rushed to Changbin in the park? Hyunjin wanted him. He was sure of it.

So, it wasn’t too much of a surprise, but still pleasant, when Hyunjin had sidled up to him in the hospital cafeteria later that afternoon to ask him about moving in together. Their lease was up in a couple of months anyway, Hyunjin said, so they might as well start to figure it out now. Changbin couldn’t have agreed more.

Hyunjin is the only man Changbin has ever known that manages to still look good in hospital lights.

That alone and in itself, that should have been enough for Changbin to know that he didn’t have a chance with Hyunjin. Hyunjin hates for people to remark on his beauty, but when it comes to romantic relationships, physical attraction is very real and it’s a very real reason that things may not work. When it comes down to it, Hyunjin is Hyunjin and Changbin is Changbin and they are not on the same level.

On the surface, as much as it’s difficult to say, it makes more sense that Hyunjin is with Tae. Tae is beautiful too. More processed-looking, though, Changbin thinks. Tae has had a few operations and he looks it- he’s too symmetrical for a natural-born beauty. He looks like he’s been peeled off the side of a hair dye box or out of a drama.

Hyunjin, though. He’s beautiful and he’s real. Real in a way that puts a hand around your heart and squeezes. Real in a way that says he’s taken a few knocks and come out standing, a way that says I know pain and I’m still not afraid. He’s not beautiful in the untouched and cookie-cutter way that Changbin is used to. He’s real in a way that knocks the breath out of your lungs when you forget to expect it.

Changbin doesn’t like to think it of him. It’s all true, of course, but he knows that Hyunjin wants to be valued for anything else, anything at all.

That isn’t difficult for Changbin, though. He loves Hyunjin- all of him. Not just the way he looks. He loves his mood swings and his art. He loves the way Hyunjin’s face scrunches when he eats and the way he grins when he dances. He loves how it feels when Hyunjin curls up into him on the couch while they’re watching television and he loves going grocery shopping with him and arguing about which carton of eggs to buy. There isn’t anything about him that isn’t to be loved.  

Just one more chance. And Changbin swears that he won’t let it slip through his fingers. He swears, he’ll do all of it right. He’ll take Hyunjin out on dates and he’ll say all the romantic things and stock the art studio with paints and pencils. Anything.

One more chance.