Chapter Text
Nova breathed out slowly through her nose, putting her helmet on with all the deliberation of someone dreading what is to come. But she wasn’t allowed to dread this. She had given up too much, had sacrificed too much, to just sabotage herself like that. Her cockpit was supposed to be her safe space in the tumult of everything happening, her small pocket of peace when the chaos raged on. Yet since that day, the day Maverick and her had almost died, Nova couldn’t seem to find her peace again. However good it was to have been assigned in the same base as Phoenix, Bob and Slayer after the Uranium mission, Nova couldn’t find her footing again.
“Sparrow, confirm ready.”
“Sparrow, ready.” The lie went from her brain to her mouth and then through the headset, without even a heartbeat of hesitation. For weeks she had pushed through the layers of complex emotions that the army affiliated psychiatrist had called PTSD, so by now it was almost second nature to just lie and smile through the pain and anxiety. And if she could fool Maverick back home, she could certainly fool her flight control officer. No one had to know she was falling to pieces, her walls crumbling down under the pressure.
Nova then went expertly through all checks and protocols just in time to hear the familiar: “Sparrow, cleared for takeoff.” that used to send chills of anticipation along her spine. Now she just felt her whole body going a bit rigid as she went through the motions once again, hoping nothing would go wrong. There was no more enjoyment to be found in the drills and manoeuvers she had spent hundreds of hours perfecting and that was perhaps the biggest failure of her career.
Training came and went, sweat dripping along her brows as Nova landed back on the base, exhausted. As she looked to her right, she could see her wingwoman, June “Slayer” Seresin climb out of her jet, her usual winning grin stretching her cheeks. They had not really talked since their hug on the landing platform after the uranium mission and even if Slayer had been the one to save Nova’s and Maverick’s asses, Nova had not forgotten the whole issue of Seresin using Goose as a punchline in front of all the Dagger squad. Fidgeting with her gloves, Nova waited for June to leave before getting out of her own jet, slowly making her way towards the briefing room.
***
“Next week Bob, Phoenix, Slayer and Sparrow will be deployed to run surveillance patrols over the border. We have to test new night vision tech so be ready for some adjustments.”
“Copy that.” muttered Nova, fighting with all her might to just keep her eyes open.
“You okay?” asked Phoenix in a low voice, lowering herself towards Nova, concern scrunching her brows together in a serious expression
“She’s just tired being second best, aren’t you Sparrow?” came in Slayer, a smirk dancing on her lips.
“Not everything is about you, you know.” snapped back Phoenix.
“Keep telling yourself that Trace.”
Nova rolled her eyes and got up, making her way towards the locker room for a much needed shower.
“Oy wait up Bradshaw! You’re avoiding me or something?”
“As Nat just told you, not everything is about you. I’ve had a long day and I just want to get it over with.” June tilted her head, looking at Nova with attention, a flash of worry here and gone in a blink, so fast that Nova almost thought she imagined it.
“You look like you had a bad day.”
“Gee thanks Slayer, I really wonder why you inherited such a callsign with all that kindness.”
June blinked a few times before chuckling softly. The sound wasn’t unusual but somehow with all the exhaustion and frustration of the last few weeks, it made Nova’s stomach clench.
“I see how it is, Bradshaw. And here I thought that saving your life would make you like me.”
“Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that before that you clearly couldn’t find it in yourself to be anything else than arrogant and mean.”
“We can’t all rely on our heritage to shine.”
Nova inhaled sharply, schooling her face to stay neutral and to not betray the anger rushing in her veins, making her skin tingle. “Fuck you, Seresin”.
“I was kidding, Bradshaw. You used to have a sense of humour under all that seriousness.”
“I used to also be able to sleep eight hours a night, but hey, who’s counting.”
June opened her mouth and closed it again, worry clear in her eyes. “Are you doing okay?” The softness in her voice was like a punch in Nova’s guts, and it was suddenly too much to handle after a whole day of training. She was dirty, sore, exhausted to her bones and the pressure behind her eyes was building, leaving her on the verge of tears.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” Nova's words were clipped and anyone paying attention would have figured out she was in fact absolutely not doing okay. But June Seresin didn’t pay attention to anything not serving her interest, so she was safe. “I’m just tired.” She offered a tight smile to June and pushed past her, signaling that the conversation was over, leaving June alone in the corridor.
***
Waking up in the middle of the night, fighting against her tangled sheets to get up in a haze, Nova punched the light switch on the wall and pressed both hands on the wall. Her wide eyes took a moment to get acclimated to the sudden change of luminosity, but she couldn’t register anything else past her ragged breathing and trembling body. Slowly letting herself slide to the floor to sit, Nova gripped her t-shirt, clawing at her skin in a desperate attempt to ground herself as nausea roiled in her stomach. It was getting worse, the nightmares getting even more realistic despite what Nova’s psychiatrist had said. Sleeping had never been an issue before the mission with Maverick because being a pilot demanded everything of her, leaving her exhausted by the end of the day. But now her mind was in shambles and her grip on reality was slipping despite her best efforts, leaving her reeling through most of the nights.
When that happened the images were the same, always that black pilot in their black jet, ready to blow Nova and Maverick to ashes, the pure terror of Nova reflected in the voice of Maverick desperately screaming at her to eject. The split second when the explosion happened and then the loop started again, and again, and again. Sometimes, she was back down in the canyon, looking for Maverick after her jet had been shot down, and instead of him, Nova found a cold stone body. Those were the worst nights, the ones when she had to call Maverick in the middle of the night just to hear his voice fill her ears as he repeated that he was alive, that she had done her best. Maverick knew why she called and yet he never faltered, never judged her for being such a mess. He just talked to her patiently, guiding her back to reality. Nova wondered if he had been the same when her dad had died, when Maverick had to hold his best friend's body in the cold water. She wondered if he still woke up in the middle of the night screaming too. She hoped not.
Looking around for her phone, Nova checked the time and swore under her breath when she realized how little of the night was left. Her best bet was to just start her day and accept the fact that she wouldn’t get more rest. Standing up on shaky legs, she dug up her running shoes and put them on, changed her top and put on her navy issued crewneck. Gathering her long brown hair in a ponytail, Nova made her way to the door and into the corridor.
Running had been a pain when she had started pilot school. Because the hours at which they had to wake up were ungodly, because she knew no one and felt like every superior officer was waiting for her to fail, because being Goose’s daughter wasn’t enough, she had to prove she deserved to be there. Being a Top Gun pilot was about being the fastest, strongest and smartest pilot. She had to excel even in the running test if she wanted to be recognized as such. So, at first she had hated the sport for the threat it posed to her destiny, but slowly she had discovered that it had its perks. The rhythm of it was soothing and she had to be so focused on her breathing that it reminded her a bit of trying to breathe under too much g-force. Slowly the hate had turned into something akin to pure addiction, the sweet release of pressure through sore muscles and sweaty afternoons spent running around the landing pad. And even now, barely rested, Nova found the comfort she was so desperately chasing as dawn broke on the horizon. Slowly the base seemed to wake up, soldiers and officers appearing, most of them with coffee cups in their hands. Nova slowed down and made her way to her room, trying her hardest to shed the remaining of her panic attack as she got ready to face the day.
***
After briefing Nova and June were sent to pick up the new manuals for the night vision tech they would be testing. The manuals were supposed to be sent to the briefing room directly but apparently there have been some mix-ups in the printing department. So the two pilots made their way through the base, barely exchanging more than a few words.
There is an electricity in the air that Nova couldn’t really place. She felt nervous, buzzing with a sense of urgency, which was never a good sign in a fighter pilot. She didn’t know if it was simply the presence of Seresin or if the lack of sleep was finally catching up to her.
“We can go through the servers room, it's faster.” said June, walking towards the heavy door.
“We don't have clearance to access the servers.” answered Nova dryly.
“Your badge can still open the door.” was June's answer as she winked at Nova.
Nova considered this a second but as June slipped in, she felt obligated to follow, if only to keep her wingwoman from doing something unauthorized. The server room was dark and the air was cool but as winter was closing in, the difference of temperature was not too uncomfortable. It felt like a cave, only a lot drier. Nova followed June, her eyes wandering around the room, impressed by the sheer size of the servers and ventilators that were keeping the base up and running.
“Right through-” June was interrupted by a blaring alarm going off, red lights flashing above all the doors lining the walls. “What the actual fuck?” she muttered under her breath, pushing the handle, the door firmly closed.
“Did you do something?” said Nova in a tensed voice, looking around to see if there was any IT specialist around to help, but she had no such luck.
“Why do you always think it's my damn fault when something goes wrong, Sparrow ?”
“Because it usually is!” Nova snapped, frantically trying every handle, the sound of the alarm like a knife stabbing at her scalp repeatedly.
“I will let you know that if you are still here today, it's also thanks to me.”
Nova turned her head towards June, her braids flying across her shoulders.
“You saved me ONCE, Slayer. But fucking for real.”
“Well, once is enough to die, you idiot.”
Both women were now toes to toes, eyes sparkling with anger and frustration. June licked her lips, her eyes slowly making their way across Nova's face, her own face relaxing into a gentler expression. Nova felt like she had been slapped.
“Don't you dare feel pity for me, Seresin.”
“I don't. You went through a lot with Maverick and I get it. But you can't just cling to your anger to hide how scared you are.”
Nova snorted, her shoulders shaking with a humorless laugh. “You're one to talk.”
“What do you mean?”
“Using my own fucking dad's death to get a rise out of me and try to take my place in the Uranium Mission ?”
Silence hangs between the two pilots, broken by June laughing. The sound was so surprising, it stopped Nova in her tracks.
“It was a suicide mission. I was trying to save your ass.”
“By taking my place? Do you really take me for an idiot? You were just trying to prove how much better than me you are.”
“Do you think I wanted to see you get blown to pieces just so you could prove you are the best pilot out there ?”
Nova pressed the heel of her hands against her closed eyes, feeling the stress and anxiety slowly rise inside of her. “Why do you care ?”
The alarm suddenly stopped, as abruptly as it had started, making the two women grimace as the speaker started diffusing a message. “Lockdown, Lockdown, Lockdown. All personnel are to get to their respective shelter areas and wait for further instructions.”
Nova and June looked at each other, the argument completely forgotten as a sense of urgency replaced their anger.
“Did you get any notification ?” asked June, as Nova was taking her phone out of her flight suit's pocket.
“Yeah. Bandits are circling the base and they suspect that we have infiltrated hostiles.”
“We have to get out of here, Sparrow, please tell me you have an idea.”
“I just texted Phoenix, they are sending an IT guy to unlock the door. Apparently the locking system overrides any other request to open doors. We don't have the right badges, as expected.”Nova gave June a pointed look.
“Goddamn computers.” muttered Slayer under her breath, looking at the ceiling while letting out an exaggerated sigh. June couldn’t repress the small laugh that rose in her chest. “Glad to see one of us is not bothered by the fact that our base could be facing an attack while we are trapped here.” glowered Slayer, her hands now resting on her hips. June sometimes forgot that her wingwoman was smaller than her. Her arrogance made up for any lost height advantage.
“I’m very much bothered. Especially because I have to tolerate you in less than ideal conditions.”
“Here we go again.”
“You never said sorry, Slayer!”
“Fair enough but you have been avoiding me since that day and I don’t know how to handle this mess.”
“Well you could start by actually trying, don’t you think ?”
“Well then, I am sorry for disrespecting you and Maverick by bringing up your dad like this.”
Nova frowned, surprised to hear only sincerity and vulnerability in Seresin’s voice. She searched her wingwoman’s green eyes for any trace of irony but couldn’t find anything else than that annoying softness.
“Apology accepted. Thank you for saving me and Mav.”
“Wouldn’t have needed to if you hadn’t disobeyed orders.”
“Are you kidding me ?” hissed Nova “Then I should have what ? Just let Maverick die ? I already lost all the family I had so-”
“You almost died, Nova !” shouted June, her face getting red. “You almost die and you don’t seem to realize how definitive that would have been ! And it pisses me off that you think I, we, would have been okay with that !”
“We are pilots, Seresin ! What did you expect ?” Nova answered, voice hard as she fought against the destabilizing feeling of being called by her first name. That had never happened and it was extremely out of character.
“I expect you to realize we care about you! You are not just your father’s daughter. You are also Maverick’s daughter and our…. friend. Don’t go out there and die on us. I won’t let you.”
Silence stretched as Nova took in the weight of June’s words, disbelief clear of her face. A shift was happening and she didn’t know how to deal with the aftermath of such a change. Did Seresin really care or was it yet another ploy to get under Nova’s skin ? How could she have missed something so big for so long ?
“I-” The door opened with a loud magnetic sound and an officer walked into the room, eyes narrowed on the two pilots.
“Sparrow and Slayer ?”
“Yes, sir !”
“Your team is already in the briefing room. Please don’t get lost on the way.” The remark was loaded and both pilots felt the weight of it.
“Copy that. Thank you.” Nova nodded to the officer and slipped out of the server room as fast as she could, dreading having to finish her conversation with June. Luckily, the trip to the briefing room was short and they arrived as Vice Admiral Beau was pointing at the map on the screen with his laser-pointer. June and Nova took two seats and focused on the briefing, both trying their hardest to not look at each other in search of answers that could not be given yet.
***
The instructions were clear and simple. Nova and her team were placed on defense while they waited for more information about the bandits and the potential intruder. As she was getting ready, Nova thought about Maverick, as she often did when she was about to get airborne. Their relationship had evolved so much in the weeks following the mission. Old secrets had been shared and suddenly the grief of losing both her parents felt fresh all over again. Mav had told Nova how pulling her papers from the academy had been to protect her mom from heartbreak, how he did not spend a single day without thinking about her dad. Forgiveness was a long path but they were walking it together and somehow it made the burden a little lighter. Closing her locker door, Nova found Slayer’s eyes on her across the room. Their squad members were chatting and the noise was too loud for them to speak but Seresin managed to mouth the words “Don’t die.” to Nova. Nova smiled tentatively and shook her head, gripping her helmet as she headed out.
“Sparrow, confirm ready.”
“Sparrow ready.”
“Okay Sparrow you are cleared for takeoff. Winds 0-10. You’re fly lead, Slayer wing, Phoenix and Bob tail and cover. Do not engage unless fired upon.”
“Copy that.”
The bandits were appearing on the left of Nova, two pairs of FA-18, just as they had been warned. Nova felt a shiver go down her spine at the sight, sweat tickling her brows.
“They are 5 miles left, 650 knots closure.” Bob said, his voice crackling in Nova’s headset.
“Okay, we go after them.” Announced Nova as she, Phoenix and Slayer went above the four bandits, following their trajectory in a tight formation. But suddenly the bandits broke into two groups, veering left and right.
“What do we do, Sparrow ?”
“I take right, Phoenix and Slayer you take left.”
“Copy that.” answered Phoenix, braking left as ordered.
“Slayer, acknowledge.”
“I’m not happy about it, but copy that.”
“I don’t care if you’re happy about it.” Nova said through her clenched teeth, coming off a tight turn as the bandits she was following made their way back towards the base. Trying her hardest to not let her thoughts wander, Nova kept the course, not daring to blink for too long. She was so focused on the jets in front of her that reality and memories started to overlay in her mind, and suddenly Maverick’s voice was filling her ears. Her throat closed up, making it hard to breathe, the bandits ahead climbing up to 3000 feet and Nova pulling at her control stick to keep up.
“Talk to me, dad” Nova whispered as she felt her whole body start to tremble with anticipation. She could feel her eyes burn with unshed tears as she pushed through the emotions threatening to engulf her.
“Hey, Bradshaw, Nova. You got this.” had been Maverick’s words on the platform that day. Nova had still been angry at him and didn’t know where she stood with her godfather, but in that instant, she had believed him. Not because she was so full of herself that she thought she was half as good as the fastest man alive, but because there was enough confidence in Maverick’s eyes for her to trust that she would succeed.
“-assistance.” Nova jolted at the sudden communication in her headset. Someone had been trying to talk to her.
“Repeat.”
“Sparrow you are drifting, do you need assistance ?” was Slayer’s response, voice calm and steady.
“Negative, Slayer. Stay in position.” Nova corrected her course, cheeks heating in embarrassment and went for close engagement in case control decided for them to switch to offense.
Luckily, they were ordered to come back to base as the bandits had been identified and communication had been established in a cordial manner. Nova saw the four jets regroup and head the opposite way from the base.
“Someone cares to explain what was that whole mess ?” Phoenix asked on the radio, anger clear in her voice.
“Could it have been some sort of training exercise ?” asked Bob
“Maybe. If that’s the case I fear we are not going to have a good briefing.”
Nova stayed silent but she agreed. Seresin and her being locked in the server rooms, an overall response time that was quite frankly miserable and Nova drifting during her surveillance, those were all elements that were going to get pointed out.
As soon as they were all out of their cockpit and seated in the briefing room, Nova knew they were screwed. Vice admiral Beau was looking angry and disappointed and honestly, she couldn’t really blame him.
“So.” He started, “As some of you have probably figured out, this was an exercise and even if the flyers weren’t the one tested today, we cannot say you impressed us, you were actually the worst. Time response was overall decent, we are waiting for further analysis but it doesn’t look too bad, but our attack team was nowhere ready when the order came in, defense was sloppy and inattentive. Not to mention Slayer and Sparrow here who were locked in a restricted area during the lockdown, making us lose precious time.”
“Sir, if I may ?” Started Slayer.
“You may not.” Answered Beau, her eyes shooting daggers at Nova’s wingwoman before continuing “You will receive a detailed analysis of what went down, but just so we know, we’re not happy. At all. You are all dismissed.”
As her squadmates slowly filtered out of the room, Nova looked at her boots, heat creeping up her neck in embarrassment. She really had been out of it lately, missing details and not flying her best, but this was getting out of control. She was sabotaging herself and couldn’t find a way out of the hole she was digging herself into.
“Lieutenant Sparrow, a minute please.”
Nova raised her head, her commanding officer, looking at her intently.
“Sir ?” she asked, standing up slowly.
“This morning I have been informed that your psychiatrist’s report came in. As you CO I must consider everything that is happening at the moment and I took the decision to suspend you for two weeks. Vice Admiral Beau just agreed to it.”
“Sir ?” asked Nova, not sure she had heard the words right.
“Dr. Taylor thinks you are not fit for duty, and it pains me to say so but I think she is right.”
Eyes burning, Nova nodded, failing to look the Vice Admiral in the eyes.
“It’s not a failure Lieutenant. You just need time to get your head back in the game. You’re a damn good pilot, it’s not going anywhere.”
Again, Nova nodded and focused all her energy on keeping her eyes dry.
“All right. See you in two weeks, Lieutenant.”
Beau and her CO left the room, leaving Nova standing alone, tears finally streaming down her face as her whole body started shaking, the enormity of what had just happened finally setting in. She felt the ground beneath her feet crumble as she fought to take a breath in, guilt and shame tearing at her heart. What was she supposed to do now ?