Work Text:
Tsunade: "Iruka-sensei...can you explain to me, in detail please, why exactly you're being kidnapped, with alarming frequency, from Konoha?"
Iruka: (awkward laugh) "Do we have to use the word 'kidnapped'?"
Tsunade: (annoyed) "Considering that someone, or more than one someones, are breaking into Konoha to abduct you for anywhere from two days to a week and leaving behind only a scroll saying "we're borrowing this"? Yes."
Iruka: "... there's a note?" (beat) "...and 'borrowing'?! What am I?! A cup of sugar??"
Tsunade: "Is there 'sugar' involved?"
Iruka: "Wha--?" (suspicious Iruka is suspicious) "...are you implying--?"
Tsunade: (stands up; points accusingly at Iruka) "Are you, or are you not, having a highly illicit and steamy love affair with one or more shinobi and-or kunoichi from a neighboring village?!"
Iruka: (eyes wide, jaw dropped)
Tsunade: (huffs) "I'm right, aren't I?" (rubs her forehead; pissed) "Damnit...I'm gonna owe Jiraiya so much money--"
Iruka: (flails) "Nonononono!" (stands up in full panic mode) "I swear to you that there is no illicit affair of any sort! Him and his kids are just abducting me to be some weird combination of cook and babysitter!"
Tsunade: (confused) "He? Kids? Wait...you're a nanny?!"
Iruka: (calms down slightly) "Completely against my will...but kind of?"
Tsunade: (suspicious Tsunade is suspicious) "How do you "kind of" become a nanny to someone outside of Konoha who doesn't even have the decency to send us a work order?"
Iruka: "...I don't know?" (awkward shrug) "All I really know is that he figured out that I know how to cook and he abducted me originally for me to teach his kids how to cook so that they could fend for themselves and leave him alone, and it's kind of, well, spiralled into a really weird place from there?"
[cue moment of awkward silence]
Tsunade: "Were they unteachable?"
Iruka: "No...well, not all of them anyway. A few did really well...and, well, one caught a pot of water on fire and I still can't figure out how he did that, but overall...I mean..." (trails off at Tsunade's stare) "Uh..."
Tsunade: "So...you taught some of them how to cook, but am I correct in guessing that they took a liking to you--which would be understandable actually since it is you, Iruka-sensei--and now this dad just abducts you to play nanny to his kids?"
Iruka: "Well, he's not always the one abducting me. They do it too. They do it more often actually." (trails off at Tsunade's stare) "But, uh, that seems to be the case?"
Tsunade: (taps chin) "...are the kids trying to to set you up with their dad?"
[outside of the Hokage Tower...]
Iruka: (echoing) "WHAT?!?!?!?!"