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Living with twelve other grown men is not always easy. It's often loud, with people screaming and running everywhere. It's not easy to stand out and be your own self in the middle of this chaos.
Seokmin used to think he loved this life. He used to think he got everything and he was loved. He used to like seeing his brothers shine while he was dimmed by their light.
Now, sitting alone on the rooftop in the cold wind, Seokmin wonders where it all went wrong.
"Hyung, look at this!" Chan calls while making a face.
Seokmin bursts into laughter, nudging gently his maknae's shoulder.
"Stop this, it's supposed to be serious!"
"'kay, I'll stop." Chan pouts.
Seokmin coos at the action, and pinches Chan's cheeks.
"So cute!"
"Chan, Seokmin, focus please! This is important." Seungcheol reprimands them.
Seokmin looks down, repressing his smile, and nods.
"Okay, so we're going to do one more round of this, and then we'll go home. Let's go!"
The members cheer and go to their place.
They made zero mistakes and Seungcheol congratulated them. Seokmin smiled, proud of him and his members.
Hansol gets up and takes Seokmin's hand.
"Come on, hurry! If you want to sit with me in the car, we gotta be fast, hyung!"
Seokmin giggles and follows the younger to the van. He sits between Hansol and Seungkwan.
"You did amazing today, hyung!" Seungkwan exclaims.
"Yeah, you were even better than Jun hyung!" Hansol compliments.
"Thank you~~" Seokmin replies, his smile growing even bigger.
The three of them spend the rest of the ride talking and complimenting each other.
When they reach the dorm, Jeonghan shushes them all out.
"Come on, aegis, we should rest!"
Seungcheol hides his smile at seeing the younger so bossy and takes him by the hands, dragging him to their shared room.
"Hannie's right," he says without looking back. "Go rest a little, tomorrow we have a big concert, so we have to be flooded with energy!"
The rest of the Seventeen's member exchange looks and giggles before they obey their leader's order.
Seokmin runs to his and grabs his pajamas, dashing for the bathroom. He gets there a micro-second before Jihoon.
"Sorry, hyung, but I was faster!" He yells through the door, teasing his older.
"Yahh, you brat! There is no respect in this house!! I hate all of you." Jihoon yells back.
"I love you too!" Seokmin responds, laughing at his hyung's fake anger.
Because he was pitying the others, he took his shower in less than ten minutes, hair still dripping with water.
Jihoon was firmly waiting in front of the door when Seokmin opened it.
"Your turn, Majesty." Seokmin says with a bow.
Jihoon pushes back a laugh and smacks him gently.
"Show me a little respect, for God's sake."
"I'm sorry, your Highness. Next time, I'll lay down on the floor so you can step on me."
He runs away before Jihoon can say anything, but he hears his hyung's small laugh, and he smiles, happy to have made his hyung happier.
He enters his room and flops on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep, not to avail. He's too excited for tomorrow: they'll perform in the biggest stadium since their debuts, and the tickets were sold out in less than an hour! Seokmin still can't believe it.
He turns and tosses around in his bed before he gives up on sleeping. He slowly gets up and tiptoes into Mingyu's room.
"Mingyu-ya, can I come in?" He whispers.
"Yes, come in, the door is open."
"Thanks," Seokmin mutters and pushes the door. The room is dark, only lit by the light of Mingyu's phone and Seokmin carefully makes his way to his friend's bed. Mingyu points his thighs in an invitation for Seokmin to rest his head on them.
Seokmin obliges wholeheartedly and Mingyu starts playing with his hair. Seokmin closes his eyes and hums, content.
"Can't sleep?" Mingyu asks.
Seokmin nods.
"Can you tell why?"
"I'm both super excited and stressed for tomorrow. Like, what if I make a big mistake, or if the public doesn't love me or if something goes wrong?"
"Don't worry, you always do amazing. And even if not, you can learn and grow from those mistakes. We can't be perfect all the time, you know that." Mingyu replies.
"Yeah, but we're expected to be perfect. We're idols, Mingyu. Perfection, that's what people want to see from us."
"True," Mingyu agrees. "But you also know that our Carats are very understanding, and they prefer we take care of ourselves than tire ourselves to be what people want us to be."
"Maybe you're right." Seokmin whispers.
"I'm always right." Mingyu grins.
Seokmin laughs a little then they both go quiet, Mingyu playing with Seokmin's hair and the latter tracing patterns on the free hand of his friend. Then Seokmin asks, almost timidly:
"Can I stay here for the night, please."
"Of course. Come here."
Mingyu lies down and opens his arms wide, ready to embrace Seokmin and he happily accepts in the hug. Mingyu rests his chin on his head.
"Sleep well. You'll do great tomorrow. I believe in you." He mutters.
"Thanks. Good night. Love you."
"Love you too."
Seokmin inhales Mingyu's scent and falls asleep quickly, lulled by his friend's heartbeat.
"Okay, last one is Fear and then we'll have the encore, with 아주 NICE and Snap Shoot. Since it's only a practice, we won't do the encore, and I think everyone knows them by heart by now. Are we good? Then let's go!" Soonyoung declares.
Seokmin, drenched in sweat, clenches his teeth, determined to nail the song.
But maybe because he's tired or stressed and maybe because of the pressure, Seokmin is a beat too fast during the whole song and his voice even cracks during the bridge. He sees how the members' gaze lingers on him, how they falter but Seokmin pushes through everything, pushing back his tears.
Not now, he thinks. Not in front of them. Later.
So Seokmin smiles until the end, even when Seungcheol and Hoshi point out his mistakes.
"Be careful. You must fix this before the actual concert." Soonyoung warns him.
"Don't worry, hyung. It won't happen again. I promise." Seokmin says with a little smile.
"Great." Seungcheol says, putting his arm around the younger's shoulder. "Everyone, repeat is over! Take a break, you all deserve it!"
All the members scatter in duos or trios, and Seokmin excuses himself. He goes to staff.
"I'm sorry, noona, but can you please drive me to the company?"
"Oh, of course! Come with me. Does Seungcheol know about it?"
Seokmin nods, a wide smile on his lips.
"Yeah, I told him and he agreed."
"Great then."
The ride is silent, Seokmin replaying his mistakes in a loop in his head. Picking at his skin, he analyses every detail he got wrong, so he knows what to work on, which means basically everything.
"We're here. Do you want me to wait here for you?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to take your time. But if you could please call me and pick me up when it's time for the concert? If that's not too much to ask?" Seokmin asks worriedly.
"Oh, okay. I'll come to bring you back one hour before you have to get ready. Don't overdo yourself, okay?"
"Yes, noona. Thank you so much." Seokmin bows and watches the car go away then walks to the practice room he always uses.
"Okay Seokmin. You can do this. Let's go."
He starts the playlist of the songs which will be played during the concert and focuses.
His eyes are sharp and he scolds himself every time he messes up, repeating the steps until they're perfectly executed. It's not much and not enough for him, so when his phone rings because it's time, he almost cries out of frustration.
Not waiting to annoy the staff more than he already did, he runs to the car and hurries inside. The staff smiles at him:
"So? Did everything went as you wanted?"
"Yeah, it was awesome! I even had the time to sleep a little! I'm so ready to destroy the stage!"
The staff laughs at his excited voice, without knowing all the lies he said.
"That's great, Seokmin. That's very great."
Seokmin flashes a smile to her and then looks out of the window.
I hope I'll do well tonight, he thinks. I can't afford anything else.
"Hyung! Where did you go this afternoon? I wanted to be with you..."
It's Seungkwan who whines, clinging to Seokmin's arm and pouting. Seokmin laughs and pats his dongsaeng's head.
"I'm sorry Kwanie. Next time, I promise I'll stay with you."
"Promise?" Seungkwan holds out his pinky, and Seokmin intertwines his own with the younger's.
Seungkwan then walks happily away, not noticing how Seokmin didn't answer his question or how his smile faded.
"You're on stage in ten seconds, be ready!" A staff yells.
The members gather and put their hands together.
"We're going to crush it! Seventeen-"
"FIGHTING!!!" They all scream.
Seokmin stretches a little more then goes on the stage.
He is almost immediately blinded by the bright stage lights, but he manages to do his signature smile anyway, waving to some Carats before the music starts.
The first five songs go well, Seokmin makes no mistakes, and then it's the introduction. When it's his turn, his smile grows even wider, the thousands of Carats screaming his name in unison.
"Hello my beautiful Carats! I'm the sunshine with an angelic voice, Seokmin!"
He bows and steps back into his place. For a moment, his vision blurs and he just sees black.
Shit. I must have pushed too far during practice, he swears.
He hopes no one has noticed his moment of absence, but of course Jeonghan, the always sweet and caring Jeonghan, noticed.
"Are you okay?" He whispers in his ear.
Seokmin nods and smiles at his friend. Though not fully convinced, Jeonghan doesn't push and look away.
The introductions are over and they play now the other songs of the first half. Seokmin does his best to put the dizziness away and performs with all his strength. He can't let the fans and his members down. He can't.
They take a short break, and Seokmin goes sit down on the couch for an instant, head in his hands.
"Are you alright?" Joshua asks, touching his shoulder lightly. "You're very pale right now."
Indeed, the younger is as white as a ghost and he struggles to breathe. His hair drips with sweat and he feels very warm. But he directs nonetheless a smile at his hyung.
"Yes hyung, I'm alright. Just got light-headed for a moment, that's all."
"You sure?" Jeonghan frowns. "You can sit back if you don't feel well, you know?"
"Nah, thanks. I'm better now." Seokmin denies.
"If you say so..." The older mutters, not believing a single of Seokmin's words.
They're called again to the stage, and Seokmin has to force himself to stand up, his legs wobbly and with the worst headache of the century.
Fear is quickly approaching and he prays to not make mistakes again.
And yet, despite all the practice and all the efforts he put in, Seokmin does make a mistake. A very tiny one, the members didn't even notice but it upsets Seokmin.
I can't even do this right.
So, to make up to the fans and to his brothers, he dances with all his might, pushing through the headache and using up to his last resources.
By the end of the song, he can barely see and they still have to perform the encore.
So Seokmin pushes his limits even further and grits his teeth, ready to give his all to not fall behind.
Even if I have to give everything I have, I won't disappoint Carats and my members, he says to himself.
He lets the staff change him and he follows the others to the scene.
Minghao puts his hand in his back.
"Last one. You can do it."
Seokmin simply nods and enters the light under the screams and the applause of his Carats.
He inhales and gathers his strength before he screams into his hand mic:
"아주 NICE, let's gooooo!"
The screams go even louder and Seokmin sings until his throat hurts, jumping and moving around, doing his best to not collapse right here and then.
They do three rounds before they say their last goodbye.
"1,2,3 Say the name! Seventeen! Thank you for coming, we love you all!"
Seokmin races as soon as he can to the bathroom, totally ignoring his members' worried stares and he locks himself in a stall. His heart is racing, seemingly wanting to burst out of his chest and his hands shake life leafs in the wind.
A sob finally escapes his mouth and then the tears flood. His body wracks with the strength of the cries and he has to bite his hands to suppress the sounds he makes. But then there is a knock on the door.
"Seokmin, is everything alright?" Wonwoo asks. "You literally disappeared after the encore. Are you sick?"
Seokmin instantly stops crying and dries his cheeks before answering with a smile, cheerful, always cheerful.
"Everything's fine, I just had to–"
And this is when Seokmin's body decides that enough is enough and he faints, hitting his head hard against the tiles.
"Seokmin? What happened?! SEOKMIN!!" Wonwoo panics. "SHIT GUYS, COME HERE! THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH SEOKMIN!!"
The others run in, and after knowing what happened, Seungkwan runs to go grab the set of keys to open the door. While he does that, the members all try to get Seokmin to respond to them through the door, not to use. When they can finally open that damn door, Jun and Joshua drag Seokmin in the middle and shake him to wake him up. The paramedics come and take Seokmin to the hospital, the members following close behind.
They have to wait for thirty minutes before a doc approaches them:
"He's alright, even though he hit his head pretty hard. But he's awake and ready to go home."
"Thank you" Mingyu says while bowing, then he dashes to his friend's room.
Seokmin avoids his glance and asks instead:
"Can we go home, please?"
Jeonghan smiles softly and caresses his cheeks.
"Of course aegi. We're going home."
He helps him up and sits with him in the car. The atmosphere is tense, everyone thinks the same thing without saying it out loud. Then Seungchan speaks up:
"What you did was totally irresponsible. You know that. I trust that you learnt your leason and you won't do it again."
"Yes, hyung." Seokmin says, bowing his head in shame.
He's disapointed in me. I should have done better.
Jeonghan next to him presses his hand.
"Are you okay now?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." Seokmin smiles, but Jeonghan can see it's not as bright as it usally is.
No one says a thing for the rest of the ride, and Seokmin runs to his room as soon as they arrive.
He locks his door and cries his heart out, muffling his cries and screams into his pillows. He can even taste the salt of his tears, and his pillow becomes fastly wet, but Seokmin's still crying. He can't stop: he messed up so much today! He did everything wrong, and he has made the members upset. He doesn't know what to do anymore. If he can't even do his job correctly, then what is he doing here? What does he do aside from bringing the whole group down?
Those thoughts were no stranger to Seokmin - he had them a lot during debut and later - and even if the members were constantly reassuring him, he always finds it hard to believe.
Two hours later, when he doesn't have tears to shed anymore, he falls asleep on his damped pillow, too tired to simply change his clothes.
When Seokmin wakes up the next morning, he finds a letter that was probably slid under his door while he was slipping:
"We're all very proud of us. Your performance yesterday was wonderful.
- Wonwoo"
Seokmin scoffs, in disbelief.
How could they be proud of me? I totally ruined the concert!
He throws the letter in the trash and opens his door. Chan is immediately by his side, dragging him to the dining room.
"Come on hyung! Mingyu-hyung made pancakes just for you!!"
"That's so nice of him!"
Seokmin forces a smile and sits beside his friends, trying his best to ignore their worried faces.
"Eat, I made them for you. Tell me what you think about it." Mingyu says while putting a plate filled with sweets in front of him.
Seokmin eats two of them before he feels sick. He gets up and puts his plate in the fridge, ready to escape the questions but Soonyoung is quicker:
"Seokmin, are you not hungry? You barely ate."
"Oh, I actually ate a late night snack, so I'm not that hungry. But they were delicious, thank you Mingyu-ya."
Hansol fixes him but says nothing.
"Now, since it's our day off, I'm going to sleep. See you later!" Seokmin waves to them in a faked happiness and leaves for his room.
He lays in his bed and waits for the right moment to run away, until all the noises quiet down, until all the members are busy with each other.
He changes into comfortable clothes and opens his door slowly, tiptoeing to the front door.
He goes out and calls a taxi to take him to the company. He has to perfect his moves so mistakes like yesterday don't happen again.
Once he's in the practice room, he starts playing all of their songs since they debuted. His eyes are burning with hate for himself. He does every move over and over again and goes over the details until he deems everything is perfect. It's something he often does, but this time he doesn't even reach Don't Wanna Cry before he collapses on the floor.
Out of frustration and despair, he grips his head and screams. He punches the mirror until his knuckles are bleeding and until the mirror is full of cracks and breaks. Then, Seokmin lays down in the middle of the shreds and stares at the ceiling.
I can't do anything. I ruin everything. I'm holding back the members. Why am I here?
There is a tiny knock on the door of the room.
"Sunbae, are you okay? We heard someone scream..."
It's Yeonjun, probably with Soobin.
They must have been practicing in the room next to here, Seokmin thinks. I disturbed them. Amazing.
"Yes, I'm fine, Yeonjunie. Don't worry, I just hit my toe hard, you know how it is." Seokmin ends his sentence with a little laugh that sounds broken even to him.
"Oh, alright. I'll leave you then. Have a great day!"
"You too! And don't practice too hard!" He tells them, knows how hypocritical it is of him, but he cares for the youngsters, he doesn't want them to end up like him.
Once the TXT boys are gone, Seokmin starts drowning again in his self-depreciating thoughts.
I'm not good enough for the members. I never was and I will never be. They would be more successful if I was not here to hold them down. They probably think the same.
After what feels like an eternity, the door is pushed open. Seokmin doesn't even look at the intruder.
"Seokmin! What the hell happened here?! Are you hurt? What are you doing on the ground?!"
It's Joshua. His friend kneels next to him and sits him up.
"Oh my– look at your hands, they're bleeding!! And you even have a piece of mirror stuck on your arm! Seokmin, what happened?" Joshua exclaims, worried for the younger.
Seokmin simply shrugs and looks away. Joshua sighs.
"TXT called me, saying they heard someone screaming in our practice room, and I came here and found you in the middle of the shreds of the mirror. Care to explain?"
Seokmin shakes his head and Joshua restrains his anger, for the sake of his brother. He pinches the bridge of his nose and gets up, holding out his hand to Seokmin.
"Come on. Let's get you patched up. Because whatever happens, we're in this together."
Seokmin fixes his hyung with empty eyes.
"That's until I drag you down with me."
Joshua doesn't know what to say, so he just stands here while Seokmin gets up and walks away. Maybe had he said something that day, the end of this story wouldn't be the same.
Seokmin sits at his desk in the middle of the night, biting his pen. It is the tenth time he starts again. He really doesn't know how to begin and what to say.
Maybe it's better if I leave without a word? So it'll hurt less? He wonders. No, they deserve something.
So he places the pen on the paper and writes:
"Dear my brothers,
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you like this. I know you'll be sad, but please don't be. I'm not worth it. I won't be here anymore to hold you back from the success you all deserve. I'm so grateful to have known all of you and been a part of your life. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't worth it. Thank you for being my brothers. Thank you for everything you did. I love you. I'm so so sorry. I love you.
Seokmin, your brother who will always be by your side."
He smiles softly.
"This is not perfect, but I can't do better." He whispers at the moon.
Then he gets up and starts posing objects with his members's name next to them on his bed. Those are his last gifts to the sweetest persons he ever met: a bracelet for Seungcheol, a scarf for Jeonghan who's always cold, a necklace for Joshua, earrings for Jun, a tiger keyring for Soonyoung, glasses Wonwoo really liked for the latter, the newest headphones for Jihoon, a bag for Mingyu, a book Minghao always wanted to read but never bought, a hoodie for Seungkwan – the one he always stole from Seokmin – a CD for Hansol, one of his favorite group, and finally a plushie Seokmin owned but Chan borrowed all the time for his maknae.
He steps back and admires his work.
"That's perfect. Everything's settled. I'm good to go."
He puts on his favorite hoodie and leaves the dorm by the back door. This time, he doesn't bother to call a taxi and takes his time to walk to the company. He enjoys the chilly, almost cold, air of the night and feels the wind caress his face.
Not a bad day to die, he thinks with a genuine smile.
The lady at the front door greets him and he smiles at her, then makes his way to the rooftop.
He gets on the edge and looks at the stars above his head and the moon lighting the sky.
"That's such a beautiful view." He says into the night. "Not bad to end with this."
He turns his back on the void behind him. He takes out a blade and cuts his arms.
I'm not taking any chances. With this and the height, I won't survive.
He throws the blade away and prepares himself to fall when the door is smashed open and Jeonghan, wearing his scarf dashing towards him but stops when he sees the way Seokmin smiles: happily.
"Seokminie... Please, get away from the edge. Get down. We can help you. Please, I'm begging you, don't do this." Jeonghan's voice sounds broken, and he's crying, terrified to lose his baby brother.
"It's too late. I don't want to be saved. But I love you." Seokmin sends a last smile and falls backwards.
"NO!"
Jeoghan jumps to grab his friend, but Seokmin's arms are plastered in blood and Jeonghan loses his grip. He can only watch his brother fall to his death, a smile on his lips. His baby brother's hair are moving in the wind and his eyes are reflecting the morning light of the sun newly risen. He can only see how his body lays broken meters below and how the blood pools around him. He can only hear the sick the sound the body made hitting the ground. He can only see how Seokmin will never wake up again or how he will never sing again. Jeonghan can only think about how he will never hear his brother's voice or see him dance. He can only think about how Seokmin died right in front of him and he didn't saved him even though he was here, even though he held his amr for a second before it all fell down.
Jeoghan falls to his knees and screams, his bloodied hands shaking. He screams his friend's name until his voice gives up then stumbles down the stairs, rushing to Seokmin's side.
Someone already called an ambulance but Jeonghan doesn't want to let go of his brother, and they have to sedate him, but even then he still cries and fights to get to his brother.
When he wakes up hours later in a hospital bed, he's surrounded by his members. He quickly counts them, hoping to reach 13, but when he stops at 12, he looks at Seungcheol who looks as devastated as him and the others and begs him.
"Please, please tell me it's a nightmare. Please tell me Seokmin didn't– tell me he didn't do it. Please..." His voice cracks and he starts crying when Seungcheol nor the members deny.
"TELL ME IT'S A LIE!!"
But no one answers, so Jeonghan weeps because it's the only thing he can do now: cry for the brother he couldn't save.
The funeral is hard for every member. They can barely stand, leaning heavily on each other and they can't stop crying. Soonyoung can't finish his eulogy and Jihoon has to take three tries before he can sing the song he wrote for Seokmin.
But the worst is after. The members are a complete mess.
Seungcheol and Wonwoo blame themselves, thinking they should have seen the signs.
Seungkwan, Hansol and Chan never leave each other and just cry.
Minghao and Jun have small talks in Chinese, the older doing his best to not break down when Minghao needs him.
Jihoon and Soonyoung spend their days at the company, one writing and producing and the other dancing until he can't walk, both trying to quiet their mind.
Mingyu cries all day in Seokmin's bed, trying his best to not lose any part of his friend.
Joshua looks at every single video and photos he has of Seokmin because he's afraid one day he'll forget how Seokmin's voice sounded or how hhis laugh resonated or how his smile shines or how beautifully he sang.
Jeonghan is probably the worst of them all, having witnessed Seokmin's death. Even though he washed his hands of his friend's blood, he still feels the sticky and red fluid on his palms so he washes them again and again until they're red and bruised and it's his blood running down his palms and not his friend's. He has nightmares and can't sleep without waking up crying, so he never sleeps unless forced to. He also refuses to eat, he can't. He can't bear the thought of living when he failed his only mission: protect his brother. He couldn't save Seokmin, so why keep on living? He doesn't know,
The members see the state Jeonghan's in, but they don't know how to help. Without Seokmin, they don't know anything anymore.
They need time to grieve, but the company pushes them to perform, for the fans and "for Seokmin". None of the members believe a word of it, but they agree anyways, they can't do otherwise. The sun, their sun, won’t rise up again. But the show? The show must go on.
So they walk on the stage. It's only two songs: Don't Wanna Cry and Hug. They are all dressed in white and there is a mic in the middle of them all, where Seokmin should be standing, smiling and laughing and alive.
The first note plays and Wonwoo and Mingyu can barely sing the intro, already emotional. Hansol starts the verse, followed by Soonyoung and both their voices are shaky. Jihoon sings next, covering for Seokmin, his hands trembling but he refuses to cry. And when Jun and Chans sing the chorus, everyone understands this performance is not destined to them but is rather a message to Seokmin who is not here anymore to see his brothers' love or to wipe their tears. Seungcheol and Jeonghan sing the second verse, but Jeonghan can't even sing his line, bursting in tears, the image of Seokmin falling burned behind his eyelids. The song hits the pre-chorus neither Joshua or Seungkwan are able to sing, both crying too hard. Soonyoung and Minghao are next, the younger's voice barely audible but he pushes through his sobs, determined to make Seokmin proud. It's time for the bridge and Jeonghan tries his best to sing along Wonwoo, Mingyu and Seungkwan. Then the last chorus, and this time, no one sing. The members just hold each other hands and cry, listening to Seokmin' voice.
The song ends, and the silence is so loud. The fans are crying and looking at the mic stand meant for Seokmin, and the members are weeping. So, when Hug starts, the fans sing for them, and Joshua swears he can hear Seokmin among them. All the members are so grateful they don't have to sing anymore, and when the song ends, they quickly thank their fans befre they run away and break in each other's arms at the dorm.
Seungkwan is the first to speak.
"I don't want to sing anymore."
"Kwanie is right. Without- Without him, being on stage feels so wrong." Jun adds.
"So we're all on the same page?" Seungcheol asks.
"Yes. I don't want to perform if hyung is not by my side." Chan says.
Jeonghan hums while drying his tears.
Next morning, Seungchol imposes their decision on the company. They won't perform ever again.
The company relases a statement and the fans weep, but they understand.
And the members?
Well, they are making sure no one forgets Seokmin, but they don't know how to live now he's not here with them.
They are missing a part of themselves, and they'll never be whole again.