Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Aaron was safe.

Aaron was safe.

Aaron was safe.

That was all that mattered now. Even if Aaron had been so blunt in that pallid hospital room when he had come visit him, speaking about the types they all reverted back to. And thinking that Robert would use his ordeal to try and worm his way back in his bed and in his heart, as if nothing had happened.

And how could Robert blame him for thinking that ? Looking at himself from Aaron’s perspective, he only saw a clinging ex, trying desperately to break a happy couple out of jealousy and selfishness. People would always have this image of him, the cunning, lying, self-serving bastard who did not care who he hurt on the way. And despite him being eventually right about Johnny boy and the grief he had caused in his path, the village would not change. He would always be that old Robert.

But still, it hurt him to discover that Aaron, to some extent, shared that image everyone had of him. Maybe it was pain talking, maybe, deep down, this wasn’t what Aaron truly thought of him, but how could Robert know now ? So much water had gone under the bridge. How could he be sure Aaron still did not carry this image of the man who had broken his heart ? Even if it was to put his happiness first ?

Robert just wanted what was best for him, always had and always would. Seeing him lying on this hospital bed, so pale, the bruises only coming out sharper against his skin, his eyes a blue pool haunted by despair and self-loathing, had only comforted Robert in his idea: that Aaron was nowhere near being ready to give them another chance.

As difficult as it might have been for him, he had listened to Aaron. He had left him alone. He had said it before and he would say it again, not matter how many times it took, he would always care more about him more than he would care about himself, and that was saying a lot.

There was also this tiny, tiny but loud voice in him that screamed that Aaron was only pushing him back because of the shame and the hurt, not because he did not want to have him in his life any longer. Robert knew Aaron, knew him by heart, knew him better than he knew himself : push people away first, blame and hurt himself next. He had to have faith in himself and Aaron, that he would soon realize they were ineluctable.

But not at any cost, no. Aaron had to put himself first, take care of his trauma and his health, process what had happened. Robert wouldn’t have it any other way. All he cared about was Aaron’s well-being. And if meant waiting for Aaron to choose of his own free will rather than out of lack of a better option, he would wait. He would wait till the end of time if he had to.

“Is that what they call growth ?”, he ironically opened up to Victoria the day after. Basking in the sun, they were both sitting on the bench in front of Keepers. Vic was resting her head on his shoulder and this was one of the nicest moments he had had in a long time. As soon as he had left Hotten prison and seen her, her green eyes glassy with tears, all the hurt and bitterness he had harvested between the naked and cold walls of his cell had evaporated. His baby sister. How could he be mad at her ? When her brain had been all twisted by John, taken in his web of lies ? In the end, she had believed him and he decided that was all that mattered.

“I don’t know, Rob, mocked his sister. Is that something the great charmer Robert Sugden wouldn’t stoop to do ? Try by any means necessary to get back with the love of his life ?” He pulled a shocked face, before letting a laugh escape from his throat. “You might be right, I could have done that.”

But then he got all serious again, and sighed. “But seriously, I have to let him breathe for a while. And if I have to be far away for him to soak up everything that happened, so be it. I really, really wanna be with him, Vic, but I can’t right now. He has been through too much”, he let out, before eyerolling and exclaiming : “Thanks for that, Johnny boy !” “You have to take care of yourself too, Rob”, said Vic, looking at him with a concerned look on her face. Being back in prison so soon after having been locked up for so many years... And we both know, well… The nightmares, and everything…” Her throat tightened, and he heard the tears taking a hold of her voice. “Maybe it might good if… Well, if you went and saw someone. Professional help.”

He thought of Chas, who had made herself very clear that if he was to approach Aaron again, she would go all feral on him. He thought of Moira and Cain, who had had no qualms in cutting Vic out of the farm when they had thought he had pushed Aaron over the edge. He was starting to get tired of fighting with Chas over Aaron all the time, when in truth they both wanted what was best for him. He was starting to get tired of the village holding grudges against him and making his family pay, when he had changed and no one was willing to see it. Everyone was just waiting for him to slip up, and put all the blame of the world on his shoulders. Hell, even when he did nothing wrong and warned everyone, just trying to protect the one he loved the most, everyone blamed him.

“Yeah”, he sighed. Maybe I should get away for a while, that might be best.” He pushed away the little voice that told him that it would be best for everyone if he just disappeared, never came back, because he was just a waste of space. Because he had to believe that Aaron would give him another chance. Someday. He had to believe.

–

When he heard Robert’s words, John couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He did not expect so much. In his hand, the syringe let out a drop, which left an unsettling glow as it caught the light.

Chapter Text

In his hospital bed, all Aaron could do was think. Think. Think. Again and again. Rehashing what had happened to him this past year. How he had fallen prey to a predator. Again. Become a victim. Again. He couldn’t come around what Ruby had said. No matter what she asserted, he was pathetic. For having been so trusting of the wrong people. And how, blinded by rage and resentment, he had overlooked the warnings of those who had his best interests at heart.

His eyes filled with tears at the thought of Robert leaving his room a few days ago. He had not come back to see him. Something Aaron would have expected of Robert, who was nothing if not persistent, bordering on obsessive, when he wanted something. And Aaron knew, oh so well, that Robert wanted him.

He had pushed Robert away, expecting, half in anguish, half in hope, that he would come back for him. Not thinking about what that could mean for the both of them. Not wanting to think about what the future held for them.

Because if Aaron had thrown himself into this marriage, it was partly because he knew he would never be able to get rid of this storm of feelings raging inside him when he thought of Robert. Of the shatter of his heart when he opened that letter asking for divorce, completely blind to the fact that it would utterly wreck his life. Of the anger that came rushing in his blood when he understood Robert was cutting him out of his life. Without even asking how Aaron would feel about it. The broken furniture in a fit of rage. And the tears that came after, who seemed inexhaustible. And the numbness. An apathy which had threatened to swallow him whole. An immense pain, in the light of the love he had felt for Robert.

So he thought, he might as well try to tame these feelings, silence them for lack of making them go away. Shut them out with blandness. And he thought he had found that solace in John. Good, safe John. Blinding, evil John. Someone he knew, deep down, wouldn’t bring as much love and as much pain as Robert had. Someone who wouldn’t make him feel as much.

He snorted. Eventually, John had managed to stir up feelings in him. But not the ones he was expecting. “Wow, I never thought I’d see that on your face. What is that ? A smile ?” Mack’s cheery voice cut him out of his painful reverie. “I can only smile when I see you, you know that”, he retorted to Mack, who sat next to his bed.

Aaron scanned his face. Colors tinted his features, giving him back his good complexion. From the outside, despite the boot on his leg, nothing gave away that he had gone through an ordeal these past few weeks. A sight for sore eyes, although Aaron knew all too well that things might not be as good on the inside.

“How are you doing ? Charity treating you well ?”, he eventually asked Mack. “I would have gotten abducted every day if I had known this is what it takes to be treated like a king in this household”, Mack chuckled.

Aaron knew it was a joke, but his face hardened and he swallowed hard. He had to say it. “I’m sorry, you know that ? I don’t know if I’ll be able to apologize enough for what happened.” His eyes filled with tears, something which made Mack flinch. “Aaron. You know this isn’t your fault, right ?” Aaron only looked away, trying desperately to hide the sob threatening to escape him. Mack let out a sigh. “Come on, mate, we’ve been over this. You couldn’t have known.” “Yeah, but you did. You warned me. And Robert did too, and I was too stupid to listen”, Aaron whispered, under the weight of shame and guilt. He did not dare look Mack in the eye, where he knew he would only find a mirror image of what was in his - a gut-wrenching pain, and too little to hold on to.

“You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened. And I am going to repeat it to you, over and over, until you realize it is true.” Mack’s words were firm, just like the glint in his eyes when Aaron finally decided to turn his head, the tears seemingly in control in his eyes.

“Speaking of Robert, have you phoned him like I told you ? I really think this would make you feel better.” Good old, persistent Mack. Aaron smiled weakly, a smile which quickly faltered. “I told him to go away”, he admitted to Mack, his voice trembling. Mack said nothing, but his frowning face conveyed what he really thought. Aaron shrunk under his fierce gaze. “I don’t know why I said that. I never should have done it… But it must have been the anger speaking”, he picked up again.

“Why were you angry though ?” Mack shook his head, the failure to understand painted on his traits. “He saved your life, and mine to some extent. There’s got to be some gratitude in all that, innit ?” “Yes, of course, exclaimed Aaron. But I was so sure he would use that to get back with me, that I would be so grateful I would forget everything that had happened and throw myself in his arms. And he didn’t, he just… left.” His voice broke. “Again.”

His words, emotionally charged, hung in the cold, dry air of the hospital room. Mack eventually cleared his voice : “Have you thought about what he was going through at the moment ? He thought he had lost you, the great love of his life. If there’s anything I have been told over and over in this village, it’s the tale of the great love story between Robert and Aaron. I think he was just checking if you were okay, without further or hidden intentions.”

Aaron looked up and stared at the ceiling, hoping this would stop the tears from flowing and making furrows on her cheeks. Because he knew that, deep down. That Robert would do anything in his power to make sure he was okay first, that he had his best interests at heart. And that Aaron, too blinded by the past, shoved him away, desperately trying to keep the pain away. When Robert was not the same man that he was before, that he would always try to do what was best for Aaron, clumsily but still.

“I am not saying you should forgive him instantly for what he has put you through.” Mack’s voice was tinted with a softness which changed from his usual cheek. “But try to put yourself in his shoes. Going to jail for what he thought were 14 years, he had to get his head around it. And I understand he wouldn’t want you to be hung up on him, so young and with so much more to live. To inflict that upon you. And these years can’t have been easy, you know well enough what prison is like. Maybe if you saw the world through his eyes, you would understand a little bit better, for lack of an absolute forgiveness.” Something Aaron had categorically refused to do, preferring instead to cut all ties with his past in the hopes that it would hurt less. That turned out well, did it not ? A bitter thought that kept spinning around in his head, a mixture of guilt at himself for having brought all that misery upon him out of rancour, and anger at Robert for making him feel so much, feel too much.

“I know that. I know… I will eventually forgive him. I know… I can’t stay away from him. What kind of a person does that make me ? That I can’t stop loving him after everything ? ” The words, whispers really, escaped his lips. A harsh truth he wasn’t prepared or willing to see. Mack sighed. “A human being, Aaron. Who’s capable of making mistakes, being forgiven, forgiving, and loving with all of your heart. Because it is all worth it in the end, innit ?

Chapter Text

First, it is the rancid smell that tickles his nostrils. The odour makes a way to his brain, which doesn’t understand what it is smelling - and alerts Robert. He has to open his eyes. Why are his eyes closed, for starters ? And what is that smell ?

The ache in his body comes then. A soreness which soaks all of his bones, as if he has been running a marathon and his limbs are screaming from exhaustion. He tries to open his eyes, but his head is still spinning. He can’t tell apart the dream from the reality, something which makes him dizzy. Sometimes he is out of his body. Sometimes he reintegrates it, but he can’t seem to control it.

Time stretches out for far too long. He is suspended between these two realms, and it tires him not to be able to control what he is feeling or what he is doing. He eventually lets go, and gives in to the tiredness which swallows him whole.

–

Next comes a puff of wind, which tickles his bare ankles. Bare ankles ? If he is sleeping in his bed, why are his feet exposed to the cold ? A very rational, down-to-earth thought which suprises him in the fog his brain currently swims in. He groans, trying to fold the bedcover over his legs, but his hands are met with nothing. Something which sets an alarm in his brain, along with the cold he is feeling under him. A hard, chilled floor he is sleeping on.

Sleeping ? He doesn’t remember going to bed. And he isn’t in his bed, his brain finally understands. Where is he then ?

This time, his eyes are willing to open. But with difficulty. Thankfully, the room he is in is in the shadows, and the light doesn’t hurt his retina. Still, he has trouble distinguishing the illusion from the reality. He feels like he is in a dream, floating around purposeless, but he knows he has to wake up, to finally understand what is happening to him.

He slowly lifts his head, a movement that makes him wince in pain. Grey walls. Grey ceiling. Grey floor. All engulfed in darkness, shadows of furniture projected all around the room by a small skylight which is carved out in the wall. The only rectangle which lets in the light of the moon, hindered only by bars.

His body understands before his brain even translates into words what his eyes are seeing. A cold sweet covers his limbs and his heart feels like it is being crushed in a vice. His breath becomes erratic and a whine escapes his lips. He rolls on himself, only to be faced with another grey wall. This time only, a door is cut out in the middle. And in that door, a larger window. Covered with yet others railings.

More bars. No way out. And Robert back in his worst nightmare.

—

This had been way too easy. Up to the point where John was wondering, was he too smart or just lucky ? He needed some luck, after everything that had happened. The gorge. The phone call to the police. The hospital. The escape. When everything was falling apart, he found a way to sneak out and escape the blames. Unjustified blames, really. All he did was help people. Help them get better, heal them. That’s who he was. Someone cut out to help others.

Something Aaron had admired in him. Aaron, the love of his life. John’s mouth twitched at the thought of Aaron, whom he had left in the hospital. In the claws of Robert. When he could have been the one to save him. Keep him unstained, untarnished from all the evil in this world.

Robert was evil. John had known it from the start. Even before having met him, he knew it. His mother had told him well, when she sat him down when he was a teenager and had explained to him that if his father did not want to have anything to do with him, it was because he had better to do with his legitimate children, whom he loved more than he loved John.

His illegitimate child. Even thinking about it left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. Always did. As did the sight of the perfect Sugden children, Andy, Victoria and Robert. John had almost choked when he had learned that Jack had taken in Andy, who wasn’t even his son by blood, who was nothing but an outsider. John had wanted to go to his father and scream to his face that he had another son, a real one, one by flesh and blood that was here and worthy of his love. He had wanted to scream in his face his anger and his resentment, how Jack had wrecked his youth without having even been there to do it properly.

But he waited. Waited too long. And Jack had eventually died without knowing the storm that was raging inside his son. The bitterness had only grown along the storm and John had not had the catharsis he needed. Observing the Sugden children from afar only fed it on. But John still liked that feeling that raged inside him, something he had known all his life and the taste of which he had grown accustomed to. A bitterness which was feeding itself when he observed them grow up and enjoy everything he did not have.

So he kept watching them from afar. He wanted to join them so, so bad. But his mother’s voice was ringing in his ears, feeding the bitterness, repeating over and over how he would always be a stranger. An outcast. That he would never be a part of this family.

He had gone away, trying to find that family that so desperately escaped from his grasp. And he had found it, to some extent, in the army. The discipline. The control it gave him over his life. Knowing who he was and that he would be accepted for it, without anyone rejecting him. There, he had found his true purpose : helping others. Sensing that he was needed, valued.

And Aidan. Aidan had been the light that had torn through the dark cloud constantly piled up over his head. So luminous. He wanted Aidan to look at him like John looked at him, like he was the sun that lightened up his day. What was so wrong with that ? He just wanted to make sure Aidan would always be here for him the way John would. That he would be his. He just wanted to take care of him. Forever. He had to make him understand that.

How could he have known it would end like this ? Aidan wasn’t supposed to be weakened that much by the medicine John was sneaking him. Just enough so that he would feel slightly faint, his eyes would flutter and he would see John, coming to help him. Always there for him. His lips would adorn with a delicate smile, happy that he was to see John coming to his rescue.

How could John have known that would make him too weak to be able to defend himself when he fell in that ambush ? John had tried to save him too that day. He had really tried. He had wanted to rip his heart out to stop the pain that had washed over him when he saw Aidan come back that day on a gurney. Rip his heart out, so that he could give him to Aidan. Anything to see his eyes open again and glisten with a loving gleam John knew he only meant for him. He wanted to be the one to save him, the one Aidan would feel grateful to.

But Aidan had never opened his eyes again, leaving John alone. Utterly alone. Again. And so he became aware of a new emotion, which struggled against the usual anger and bitterness : guilt. Not for having caused it, no ; guilt for not having been able to swoop in and rescue him. And John promised himself that he would always, always be the one there for others, no matter what he had to do to make them see that. Because what other way was there to make people see who he really was, a hero ?

And that was something that the villagers in Emmerdale had made out in him. And what a relief and a delight it had been to see them fall one by one for him. Everyone liked him, admired him even, for who he was and his actions, not prejudiced against him for his birth. No more just an illegitimate child. No more feeling outcast and rejected. His entire existence revolved around making people see that he was someone they could rely on. No matter what, even if the methods were a little… unconventional.

But it worked. And John was nothing if not an efficient man. Something which must have made Aaron fall in love with him so fast. Aaron, who was only looking for safety in his relationship after his tumultuous past. Who wouldn’t want that ? And John knew he could be the one to offer him that.

In Aaron’s eyes, slowly but surely, he saw the same light he saw in Aidan's eyes bloom. Something which made him so powerful, a drug he could not get enough of : the effect and the control he had over Aaron were intoxicating, to the point where he only wanted him for himself. He did not want Aaron to look at others the way he looked at him. He was his soulmate, he knew it deep down, and soulmates cannot share each other with the world, it was a well known fact.

And what made it even more delicious was knowing that he had taken it from Robert. To know that Robert had ruined all this and John was here to save the day, to put it in a trivial manner, was the cherry on top. Because John had not forgotten the Sugden children, who had taken a lot from him. If Andy was no longer in the picture, surprisingly, he had been won over by Victoria’s charm and innocence. She has managed to carve out a place for her in his heart, something he would never have imagined. He could see that she was only looking for love and acceptance, and that he could give to her. The hero brother, unlike the two others who had constantly let her down.

Which is why he knew he had to get Robert out of the picture as soon as he laid eyes on him the day he burst back into their lives. He had to, for he could not bear to lose Aaron nor Victoria, whose love he needed to make him shine. Something he had grown accustomed to, a drug he could not get enough of, after having been rejected so much in his life.

And it had not been difficult to make people reject Robert the way he had bee. God, if he had been a bad guy, he would have laughed manically at that thought. But he wasn’t the bad guy in this, Robert was. He had sown the seeds of his rejection well enough by himself, and all John had to do was give a little push.

Robert was naturally unlikable, something which had at first pissed John, but then had served him well : they were like yin and yang, one dark, evil soul, and the other light, good. It was easy enough to see who was which, and Emmerdale had not been wrong when it had been time to choose between the brothers. Even Victoria was this close to understanding that the brother she had known all her life might not be the person she thought he was, that he had completely lost his humanity, and that it would be better to cut him out entirely.

Only Mack had been reluctant to see that. And with Mack and Robert, resisting more than John had expected, a glitch had started to derail the beautiful piece of machinery he had carefully crafted for Aaron and him.

Which is why he had to go to the next level.

Because if he couldn’t have Aaron, no one could.

—

When Robert opened his eyes again after what felt like an eternity, for a second he thought it was just a nightmare. That his brain was playing mind tricks with him and that, by shaking his head, reality, that is to say his room at Keepers, would be all that would spring to his eyes.

But no such thing happened, and a deep fear surged over him when he recognized the same cell that he had woken up in earlier.

A cell. Straight out of his worst nightmares.

Because it was well and truly a cell that he was locked in. With its bed, its toilets, a table and nothing more. Just the reflections of the bars that seemed to grow bigger and bigger every time he glanced at them, up to the point where they were so big he knew they would submerge him and eat him alive.

Instinctively, he curled up into a ball, so as to not see his surroundings. He startled so hard he almost hit his head on the bed legs when a cold voice rose in the night. “It’s useless, you won’t magically walk from this one.”

It took him mere seconds to recognize the voice, although at first he could not believe it. “John ?” Incredulity tinged his hoarse voice. “You… You’re not supposed to be here”, he eventually croaked. He didn’t know what else to say, his brain failing hard to take in all the information it had been thrust in the last minutes.

“Neither are you, I would say”, retorted his half-brother. Robert eventually managed to make out his shape behind the bars. He inwardly rolled his eyes when he saw that he was still wearing that olive green bomber jacket that Robert always thought made him look like an arrogant prick.

“Where am I ? What is this place ?” John stared at him too long, his blank and annoying mask still on, before eventually answering : “A little cocoon of my making, where I shall take care of you. See, Robert, you’re not well, and I’mma make sure you get some help. My help. I'll be fun for the both of us and in the end, you're only gonna feel better.”

All the anxiety Robert felt weighing on his chest disappeared into thin air : it was pure rage that made him jump to his feet and seize the bars, his knuckles white from gripping them too hard. “What did you just say ? You can’t keep me here ! Let me go !”, he yelled, centimeters away from John’s face. He tried shaking and tearing the bars apart, but in vain. The white steel taunted him, unbreakable.

“Come on, we’re brothers, Robert. You gotta keep your friends close, but your brothers closer, isn’t that what they say ?” In John’s eyes, a glint was shining. As cold as the metal under his fingers.