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Jim was tired.
That was the only thought he had on his mind. It had been for the last few days of the trip. He was tired. The kind of bone deep exhaustion that didn't go away with all the rest in the world. They had actually stopped and rested in a large cave system in Utah just a few days prior due to a summer storm. He had slept a lot then. And he was still tired.
At first, being the front of the group, he walked tall and proud. He walked side by side with Claire, would slow his pace to match Blinky, or would playfully tumble around with ARRRGGH. But now months into their journey to the new heartstone, Jim walked alone. If someone came to catch up to him, he didn't indulge in conversation. He would just look forward and walk.
Oftentimes, Jim would hang back, pick up the back of the group; make sure there weren't any stragglers. He would walk slowly, his face somber, his thoughts wandering in his own mind. He would think about things he’s noticed since his change. He had tried many new foods, and his new palate proved to be interesting, to say the least. He found he enjoyed a few things; aluminum cans, tableware, and maybe he had quite enjoyed the blender back home, but he discovered many things that did not suit his new tastes.
The socks that so many trolls swore by were terrible. No flavor, terrible texture. It felt as if he had eaten a soggy, unsalted saltine. Then there was the ‘“food” that he had eaten that tasted pretty okay but left him feeling extremely ill after. Blinky had chopped it up to his hybrid system not being able to digest the material normal trolls had no issue with.
His “hybrid system” that Blinky had referred to was the source of most of his woe. Besides the issue with his inability to eat much besides a few pieces of garbage or someone's silverware, he was dealing with the loss of being human. He thought often about what he could no longer do. How he would never again be able to sit and watch the sunset with Claire, or anyone really. He wouldn't be able to enjoy the food he cooked, the goods he would bake and share with friends and his mother. He wouldn't admit to anyone else, but he even missed school. He missed the community of having kids his age to hang out with. It was isolating being around trolls, many of which were millennia older than him. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing Claire was likely feeling the same, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to her about it. It was something to deal with after they settled in at the new heartstone.
He had noticed after the battle, in the first days of their trip that many of the trolls looked at him strangely. Bagdwella had actually been the one who told him what the odd looks were about. Many of the trolls had questioned Merlin's tactics. Wondering why they had taken a human youngling, one that was their trollhunter, and turned him into something else. They couldn't even call him a changeling, he had no human form anymore, and this troll form wasn't even full troll. They were confused about the change, and they didn't understand the halfling, even less so than they understood the boy when he was human. So, Jim felt isolated from those he was meant to protect.
Merlin was no help at all either. Jim had attempted to ask questions at first, wondering what Merlin knew about the change, but it proved to be pointless. Merlin had told him that he had never used the spell before, and as far as he knew, every transformation was different between each specimen. Jim hadn’t liked the use of the word specimen. But perhaps that's what he was. A little freak of nature, not human, not troll, not changeling. Just a specimen, the result of a magical experiment. A creature created to fight a battle that had ended.
Jim looked up from his thoughts. Across the clearing they were resting in, the moonlight glowed, and Jim didn't need his new fancy night vision to see Claire, Blinky, and ARRRGGH sitting together. Jim watched as Claire's head tilted back in laughter, ARRRGGH softly grumbling alongside her, and Blinky’s proud look on his face. Maybe he wouldn't feel so gloomy if he was with them, but for tonight, he stayed where he was, and let himself slip into his own thoughts once again.