Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I don't even know who I am anymore." Jax's face wrinkled, staring at his reflection in the mirror. 

He looked so nervous. 

The room around him completely trashed from all of the angered fueled meltdowns he'd let himself ride through in the past few weeks. He wondered if any of them had heard those ... 'screaming fits.' 

If they had -  were they happy to hear him so upset? He wanted to believe that thought, but frowned at himself. 

It had been several weeks since he'd seen anyone - besides Pomni. His isolation periods had never been met with the level of gentleness that she gave him. A heat creeped into his cheeks at the thought of her. Letting him vent and express his thoughts without a single judgment. Everything he had told Pomni, she reflected back with kindness and understanding that he couldn't seem to understand fully. 

She wasn't cruel. Her words were like a pillow - a place to share his deepest thoughts without fear. 

Some part of him cringed at how dumb that sounded.

He fidgeted with his ear. Pulling on it slightly as if he could rip it off his body. 

I miss my human body. But he didn't. He didn't miss his old life. He didn't miss any of his family or any of his "friends" from the real world. The real world was the reason he was the way he was, the circus had just amplified it too the level of complete delusional angry freak. 

He had let himself reach the point of no return - He had hurt everyone here. Yelled at Ragatha in that stupid clocktower. Completely tortured Gangle with his words. And all of them still blamed him for Ribbits abstraction. 

It was Ribbits fault that he couldn't handle this place. Not Jax's. 

The two of them fighting was Ribbits fault too. 

 . . .

But Pomni just listened to him explain all his horrific stories and didn't even flinch. She was patient and way too understanding of his mistakes. 

Oh- I'm zoning out. 

He straightened his posture. Trying on a serious face. Puffing his chest out just a little - Trying to emulate the confidence he wanted back so desperately. 

That stupid sauce incident had really spiraled, huh? How could something so stupid be the reason for his own mask to shatter so hard that he wanted to be different - for somebody else. Well not just anyone, Pomni is more then that.

"I really have lost my mind." His words were flat as he stared into the mirror.

I can do this - I can change! 

Yea- I can be different. Better? 

Pomni said she changed - I can too.

Can you please not take this so seriously? None of this is real anyways. We both know that your gonna fail and she's gonna hate you. His thoughts gurgled under the surface.

He shook his head, and slapped his face slightly. Steadying his gaze, staring down the glass reflection. 

His eyes were slits. 

Breathe. 

It'll be fine. 

The longer he stayed trapped up inside his room - the scarier it got to face the others. 

And they definitely knew that Pomni and him had spent a ton of time together. 

He didn't want to go back out and talk to them - in fact - there was a very deep, angry part that wanted to push them all into abstraction so he could keep Pomni to himself. 

Like a romantic vacation that would last an eternity. 

Romantic?

How nice would that be for him? 

Pomni wouldn't like that - 

He pointed to himself in the mirror. "Okay Jax, your gonna be fine. You can totally just change your entire personality in the blink of an eye! It's fine ~" He winked at his reflection. Trying to distract himself from his impulsive thoughts.

A soft knock came from the door.

"Come in." He called. 

Pomni walked in, pushing the door so it would shut behind her. 

"Hey there Partner." She held up finger guns. 

Jax snorted, pulling his own finger guns and half-heartedly firing back. “Bang. Real deadly stuff, huh?”

Her smile lingered, but her eyes softened. She stepped closer, careful not to trip on the mess. “You okay?”

He dropped his hands, the smirk sliding off his face. “…Do I look okay?”

“No.” She admitted simply.

The honesty hit him harder than he expected. But he smiled slightly, his tiredness hinting through his eyes. "Wow, rude? You could've just lied." He turned back toward the mirror, smoothing back his ears with both his hands. 

She shrugged. "Are you ready to go back yet?"

"Ugh." He leaned forward. "No- but the longer I stay in this room, the more mad I'm gonna go. So might as well."

She laughed.

Her laugh was warm and bright, filling the trashed room in a way Jax hadn’t felt in weeks.

He rolled his eyes, but there was no real venom in it. “Glad one of us can still find this funny.”

Pomni glanced around at the wreckage, then back at him. “You don’t have to do it all at once, you know. Nobody’s expecting a… total transformation overnight.”

“Ha. Yeah.” He tugged at his ear again, smirking at his reflection. “Tell that to the jury outside. Pretty sure they’ve already got the rope ready.”

She didn’t flinch at the joke. She just said quietly, “Then don’t give them a reason to use it.”

Jax blinked at her through the mirror. The corners of his mouth twitched. “...Partner, you’ve got a scary way of being sweet.”

Pomni tilted her head toward the door. “C’mon. Rip the bandage off. I’ll walk with you.”

For the first time in weeks, he took a step toward the door that wasn’t just pacing.

Chapter Text

Pomni and Jax were the last ones to walk in and take their seats. All of them sat in a circle.

Their faces filled with surprise at seeing Jax. But they stayed awkwardly silent.

Except for Cain - who decided to opt out - he really didn't like human 'emotions' talk. 

But he was willing to help.

Pomni had specifically asked Cain for a small dark room, filled with bean bags, pillows and blankets.

There were blankets covering the walls, hanging in a way that made it feel like they were in a giant blanket fort. Little fire fly lights floating around to make the space calmer, and it smelled like everyone 's favorite baked goods - she added that last part for fun. 

She asked for this, well, for many reasons - But the main reasons why was, A: that it would provide a warm, comfortable spot for them to have the following conversation.

So everyone might be more receptive to . . . Constructive criticism.

And B: She needed Kinger to be in his right mind for this. 

She remembered how his words had helped her back in the haunted mansion adventure - She hoped he could do the same for all of them as well.

She had talked with everyone before hand. Filling them in with her plan. 

She may have told them about ... Jax being diagnosed with something.

She thought, maybe if they knew, they'd be softer on him? Kinder?

Though she didn't say exactly what it was.

Guilt prickled at her skin as she remembered, as if the blanket walls themselves were closing in. She shouldn’t have told them.

Not like that. 

She breathed in the warm scent of cinnamon buns, sweet and steady, and sank deeper into the bean bag, as though it could swallow her nerves whole.

It was a risk—betraying his secret in the name of helping him. A risk she had chosen to take.

Hopefully they wouldn't squeal.

The circle sat in silence, the firefly lights drifting lazily overhead. Pomni fidgeted with the pom-pom on her suit, her throat dry despite the sweet, warm air. Everyone was watching her—or maybe it just felt that way.

She didn't know what to say . . . The tension in here was thick enough to slice.

She let her eyes wander over the group: Ragatha with her soft, practiced smile; Kinger, steadier than usual. Zooble and Gangle sitting close together, holding hands. Gangle looked scared, nervously looking in between them all. Jax, lounging like he didn’t care, head resting on his fist.

But he was paying attention. No fake smiles in sight.

For a few heartbeats, no one spoke. The realization that Jax was okay - still alive - hung between them, delicate and unreal.

Ragatha’s smile faltered, softening into something uncertain. “It’s… really good to see you, Jax,” she said quietly, like speaking too loud might make him disappear again.

Jax didn’t answer right away. He just shrugged, eyes flicking toward her. “Yeah. Surprise. . ." He looked down at the floor. "I guess.” He ended awkwardly.

Gangle shifted, the bean bag shifting under them. “You could’ve—” she started, then stopped, running a hand down their face. “um - Forget it.”

Jax made a quiet mhm, nodding but not adding anything.

Three weeks of total isolation, and now group therapy with the idiots who didn’t even check on me. Fantastic. Really living the dream.

You know why they didn't, Jax. Don't fool yourself. Your not the victim here.

He cringed at his thoughts. Shutting his eyes tightly. Shut up. 

Pomni’s chest ached watching them all — the hesitation, the ghosts in their voices. This was exactly why she’d asked for this meeting.

Too many things left unsaid, too many questions everyone was afraid to ask.

But god - this was awkward. 

Deep breath Pomni. You've got this.

“Thank you all for joining me here today. This is about all of us,” Pomni said at last. “About how… hard it is to trust each other. I mean, we all say we’re in this together, but the truth is—we don’t act like it. . .”

The words landed heavy, and she felt her stomach twist.

Still, she pushed forward. “We don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt. We assume the worst. And maybe that’s because of… everything we’ve been through, or the way this place works, but…” She sighed, pressing her palms flat into the bean bag. “It’s tearing us apart.”

She let the silence stretch, then added, softer: “I asked you all to come here because I want us to try. To really try. No interruptions, no jokes at someone’s expense," Her eyes flicked over to Jax, which she quickly forced herself to look away. Let's not single him out, Pomni. "No shutting down. Just—listening. And maybe… being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable.”

He noticed, how could he not? They all did. But refused to say anything. Yep. I'm the problem here. 

They all know it.

The words hung in the air, fragile as glass. Pomni clasped her hands together to keep them from fidgeting, forcing herself to breathe slow and steady.

For a moment, no one moved. Then Ragatha shifted, the soft crinkle of fabric loud in the hush. “That… sounds fair,” she said gently, her smile tilting in that careful way of hers, meant to put others at ease. “I think it’s good we’re doing this, Pomni. Really.”

Kinger nodded. "I'm very proud of you for holding this meeting, Pomni."

Jax stretched his legs out across the bean bag, his grin sharp even in the dim light. “Wow. Group therapy, huh? What’s next Pomni, singin’ kumbaya?” He caught Pomni’s scolding eye, and his grin fell immediately. “Right- right - continue." He cleared his throat, blushing slightly. "Sorry." He deflated. The word was quiet. 

Strained.

Pomni blinked at him, a little surprised he’d backed off so quickly. She nodded, trying to keep the warmth in her voice steady. “Thanks, Jax.”

"Yeah."

I have to try a little harder then I thought. He stared at the ground in front of him.

Or I could just leave.

Shut up.

“I don’t know about this, Pomni.” Zooble’s voice was flat, but their eyes flicked toward Jax like a warning light.

What was that? What the hell was Jax doing? Why was he acting so weird. They thought bitterly. Probably up to something bad.

Jax shifted, propping his chin on one hand as if bored, though the faint pink hadn’t left his cheeks. “What? I said sorry.” He teased slightly. Holding back the bite.

Zooble narrowed their eyes. “Yeah, that’s the problem. You don’t say sorry. Not unless you’re setting up for some—some bit.”

“Wow.” Jax gave a humorless laugh, holding his hands up. “Guess I can’t win, huh? I make a joke, I’m the bad guy. I don’t make a joke, I’m still the bad guy. I apologize and you think its for some weird scheme. Real uplifting start to therapy circle, Zooble.” 

They were about to say something snappy back when they got interrupted- 

“I… I don’t know if I can do this,” Gangle whimpered, pulling a blanket tight around herself. She looked small, fragile, like the noise alone might break her.

Zooble let out a sharp breath, grumbling something, biting down whatever comeback was ready. The room stilled. 

"It's okay Gangle. We're gonna be fine." Zooble put her arm around her and pulled her closer. 

She nodded.

Seeing the way Zooble pulled Gangle closer to them made his heart thud with jealousy. Though he wasn't sure why.

The firefly lights drifted lazily overhead—soft and warm against the suddenly sharp edges of the moment.

Kinger, steady as stone, raised a hand. His voice was calm, patient. “We’re not here to accuse. We’re here to listen. Let’s… take a breath, all of us.”

“Yes, thank you, Kinger.” Pomni nodded quickly, clinging to the brief calm. She cleared her throat. “Let’s stay on task.”

Zooble grumbled something under their breath, still glaring at Jax. 

I can't handle this - this is stupid. Jax's head screamed at him. 

Don't be such a coward.

Jax leaned back in his chair, a smirk rising from deep within, like he’d just won some invisible contest. “Alright, who’s next on the ‘let’s yell at Jax’ rotation? I can make a list if it helps.”

“Jax,” Pomni said, voice sharp but tired, “please.”

“Kidding! Mostly,” he added quickly, hands up in mock surrender. “Mostly kidding. Though if anyone wants to add themselves to the list, now’s the time. I’ll even provide stickers.”

Gangle peeked out from under her blanket, blinking. “Are… are there really stickers?” 

Not for you. Stupid ribbon girl. 

What is wrong with me.

“Absolutely. Highly motivational stickers. ‘You Survived Jax’—premium edition.” He laughed, waving his hands around. 

She smiled nervously. 

"Don't encourage this Gangle." Zooble grumbled.

Jax leaned forward, grinning. “See? We’re making progress. Therapy circle: chaos edition. I call dibs on the chaos.”

"I don't know if this is - helpful-" Ragatha's voice cut in. 

Jax shrugged, his smile dipping just a little. He flopped back into his bean bag, hands pressing against the back of his head. “No. Yeah… I guess not—” His voice cracked slightly, the flood gates probably broken a long time ago, all the insults and frustration he’d been holding back threatening to spill out.

Keep it down. Hidden. Deal with it later.

The firefly lights overhead flickered lazily, casting shadows that felt too big in the suddenly heavy room. Jax didn’t look up.

Pomni sat forward, soft. “It’s… okay. We can figure it out. One step at a time. We're not expecting perfection."

No one said anything for a minute.

Kinger sighed, a slow, steady sound that seemed to hold the room in place. “Look… we’re all messy,” he said, voice low but firm. “And we all hurt each other sometimes, even when we don’t mean to. That doesn’t make any of us… broken.”

Jax shifted in his bean bag, shoulders tensing, but he didn’t interrupt. Zooble’s eyes flicked toward him.

Ragatha hugged her knees, still quiet, and Gangle peeked out from under her blanket, curiosity warring with anxiety.

Pomni gave a small nod. “One step. One breath. That’s all we need.”

The firefly lights drifted overhead, warm and steady again, softening the shadows as if the room itself had taken a deep breath along with them.

Jax took a deep breath, the sweet smell of apple crumble curling around him like a warm hug. For a moment, it made him feel… peaceful.

“So—Pom Pom. Do you have any conversation starters? I mean… what was even your plan here?” He let out a long sigh, hands falling into his lap. He quickly realized how off putting his comment sounded. And he blushed, rushing to his own defense. “And no—I’m not making fun of you - this time. I’m genuinely curious.”

Pomni blinked, a little caught off guard by the sincerity. “Um… well, I thought we could… just… talk. About how we feel. Maybe why we react the way we do. But I didn’t have a script, honestly.”

Jax grinned, a little sheepishly. “No script, huh? Classic. I can roll with that. Just… fair warning—I might still make a joke or two. Old habits die hard.”

Zooble rolled their eyes. "They never die with you."

Pomni smiled faintly, ignoring Zooble, trying to hide how relieved she was. “That’s fine. Really. Just… try not to set the room on fire with them.”

Jax laughed softly. “Deal. No literal fire this time. I promise.”

"okay- um - Jax. I really appreciated how helpful you were during my panic attack in the clocktower." Ragatha stumbled, as if she was scared he would say something to cut her down. 

It caught him off guard.

"And um- helping me not fall into the void at the card castle - that was - uh - terrifying. Thank you."

He blinked, his smirk completely gone. He genuinely didn’t know what to say to that. He stared at the floor for a moment - 

What? Am I in a different reality? Did she just say thank you? To me? 

I don't deserve a thank you.

“Uh… wow. I—uh—I didn’t… I mean, I knew it was scary, but, like… I didn’t realize it mattered that much?” His voice wavered, caught somewhere between disbelief and awkward gratitude. He genuinely didn't know how to respond to someone thanking him.

It had been a very long time since the last time someone had said those words to him.

“I mean… I’m glad it… helped? I guess? But - it doesn't outweigh what I said after that, so like- ?"

He froze.

God, I'm so stupid. Why would I bring that up. 

Ragatha looked down, nervously fidgeting with her sleeves, "Do you . . . Wanna talk about that?" 

He didn't know.

"You really believe you're evil huh?" Zooble cut in. His eyes flicked to them. "Don't look so surprised - of course Ragatha told us about that."

He frowned. Fuck, of course. 

His chest tightened. He could feel every pair of eyes on him now, and that familiar static started buzzing behind his ribs — the same one that always came right before he said something stupid or mean or both.

Don't blow up Jax.

He held up his hands quickly, forcing out a shaky laugh. “No, no, no— that’s not what I meant by that. I don’t— I mean -" He cleared his throat. "I’m not sitting in my room, twirling my nonexistent mustache, planning evil deeds, you know- like- hah- it's not-"

The joke came out too fast, too loud. No one laughed.

He rubbed the back of his neck, grin faltering. “I just meant— I act awful, and - [fuck] why is this so hard." His hands flew up to his face and he leaned back slightly to empathize his point, groaning. "and I know I’m not—” he gestured vaguely, searching for words any words that didn't hurt them. “—I’m not trying to justify it or  -ugh - whatever. It doesn't really matter anyways. Just forget about it."

Ragatha's eyes softened.

Jax let out a breathy laugh that wasn’t really a laugh at all. 

"What the [fuck] do you mean it doesn't matter?" 

"Zooble- let's not nitpick eacho-"

"Of course it matters!" Zooble spat, interrupting Kinger. "It matters because it hurts us! You included!" They paused, as if they were debating to continue. 

But they were pissed. And well- wasn't this the point of therapy? To get everything off your chest. 

He doesn't care about our feelings, why should I care about his.

"You keep acting like you’re some evil character in this warped little reality you’ve made up!”

"Well I mean-" Ragatha began. 

“You think you’re the funny one — you demand Ragatha call you evil then say it doesn't matter! You poke and prod and then laugh when we get annoyed!" She raised her hand, pointing at Pomni. "And now you’re being all sweet and kind with Pomni here! Just like you were with Gangle when she first got here!"

Pomni's brow furrowed.

Gangle hugged the blanket closer. "Zooble- it's okay."

"How can you say that?" They looked at Gangle. "He treats us like we're toys for his enjoyment! And Pomni -" they turned towards the little jester. "I don't know what he told you! But he's a liar, and a backstabber."

Jax’s mouth opened before he even thought about what he was going to say.

“I— that’s not— ”

That's not true.

Oh yes it is.

He looked toward Ragatha, maybe hoping she’d jump in like she always did, but the look on her face made his chest cave in. Not angry. Not even disappointed. Just… tired.

When he glanced at Pomni, her expression wasn’t much better — wide-eyed, uncertain.

His throat closed up. The rest of whatever excuse he had shriveled on his tongue.

"Zooble! That's enough!" Kinger tried -

Zooble stood up quickly, Gangle jumped from the sudden movement. Their anger burning hotter with every word. “No! No it’s not!”

She took a sharp breath, somehow they smelt brownies - despite not having a nose or mouth. 

God I miss real food.

She lowered her voice. "Ribbit told us not to trust you. Ribbit told us about everything you put him through."

Shut.

Up.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice came out low and tight, anger contained but trembling beneath the surface.

"I don't? I've seen how your actions affects us with my own eyes, the way you torture all of us and the way you smile at our pain. You are right. You are evil!"

The word hung in the air. They sat, frozen by what Zooble proclaimed.

His hands formed into tight fists. 

Punch them. Tell them that you don't care. Tell them this is all a joke to you. 

Actions like that are why they hate me. 

Because your weak.

“See? Look at him!” Zooble’s voice cracked as they pointed, frustration bubbling over. “That face right there! That’s the one you make every time someone calls you out—like you’re the victim! Well, you're not!"

“Zooble—” Ragatha warned gently.

“No! I’m sick of it!” They took a shaky step forward. “You hurt people, and then act like it’s some accident, or like we’re too sensitive to take a joke! But your Jokes are never funny! Your not funny."

Pomni stood up, stepping in between them. "Stop! Right now!"

Zooble laughed — a sharp, humorless sound that cut through the room.

"Pomni, trust me. Your making a mistake thinking that you can help him! This whole thing is a waste of time." 

I hope you abstract. Disgusting oversaturated mis-matched piece of plastic.

He stared at them. Silent. Tense.

"Zooble! Stop it! Seriously! I told you not to bring up Ribbit. Your taking this too far!"

“Easy for you to say!” Zooble shot back. “You weren’t here when we had to physically pull Jax off him! Or when their yelling fits would push all of us into being terrified to even speak!”

“Zooble—” Ragatha stood up to match their level. 

“No! You don’t get to shush me right now!” They jabbed a finger toward Ragatha. “You all keep babying him like he’s some helpless kid who just ‘doesn’t know any better,’ but guess what? He does! He knows exactly what he’s doing!”

Jax’s hands trembled at his sides. Resisting everything inside him that told him to fight back.

Venom pumped through his thoughts.

“He hurts people and then cries about it! He jokes about being a monster and then acts like one when anyone calls him out!” Zooble’s voice cracked, raw and furious. “And then he wonders why no one wants to be around him anymore!”

Something inside Jax cracked.

The static behind his ribs roared to life. He jumped up from the bean bag, towering over Zooble. 

“You think I don’t know that?!” The words burst out before he could stop them. “You think I don’t wake up every day wishing I was different?!”

"Then act like it!" They pushed back. Unafraid of him.

Jax laughed. "I am! I am here with you- all of you! Right now! In this stupid-" he glanced at Pomni. "Ugh! No!" He shook his head. "In this . . . therapy session that Pomni set up for all of us! At least I'm trying!"

Zooble’s eyes blazed. “Do you really think that makes it better?! You laugh while we’re being honest! You think showing up now erases all the times you hurt us?!”

He flinched back.

“You think this is some joke, don’t you? That we’ll just nod and smile while you act like a hero in the middle of all the damage you’ve caused?!”

Their hands were shaking as they jabbed another finger toward him. “You’ve been hurting us for years, Jax! And now you finally open your mouth and what?" Their words became mocking. "'oh no, I was actually really abused my whole life, I have a diagnosis. I'm the -'" 

"What?" He cut them off.

Diagnoses?

The word reverberated inside him. His heart throbbed painfully, each beat echoing the disbelief and panic rising in his chest.

“Stop it—” Pomni tried to interject, but Zooble cut her off with a sharp gesture.

“No! I’m done holding back! I’m done pretending we’re fine! You’re not fine, Jax, and neither are we, but at least we’re real! You—you just act like you don’t care, and it’s—!”

"You told them?" 

Pomni met his eyes. 

Zooble made a sharp huff of annoyance, their arms crossing tightly over their chest. “Ugh, can you not?” They jabbed a finger toward him again, frustration bubbling under the surface. “You think you get to have all the secrets, all the pity, all the explanations—while we’re left in the dark?”

But he couldn't pay attention to their words. 

He stumbled backward, his legs wobbling like they weren’t quite his own.

She told them… The words echoed in his head, sharp and burning.

His chest felt tight, the static behind his ribs buzzing like wildfire.

Pomni nervously reached toward him. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to-" But he flinched back. 

"She didn't say what it was!" Ragatha rushed to her defense. 

Jax took a deep breath - apple crumble - his favorite.

Punch them. Run away. Fight. Do SOMETHING. 

Breathe. 

I need to calm down. I need to defuse this. 

Coward.

“Ribbit was an abusive piece of [shit].” He looked at Zooble. Fighting his instincts to yell back.

“And yes—I’ve got a diagnosis. So, happy you all know now—” He glanced down at Pomni. The fire in his chest had gone out, replaced with nothing. “Thank you, Pomni. For telling the whole circus.”

"I-" But she didn't know what to say.

She betrayed his trust.

What now?

Pomni's heart sank. I knew that was mistake! God Pomni! Why.

Zooble froze, the air thick with disbelief. Their hands fell slowly to their sides, trembling. “You really think I believe you?"

“Don’t,” Jax's voice was quiet, though the calm edge in his voice made it sharper than any scream. “Don’t even try.”

Zooble glared.

"I promise you, Ribbit had lots of secrets. He wasn't who you thought he was. He wasn't who he said he was. Everything he told you was a lie." He laughed — short, hollow, the sound too loud in the silence. “Dude was one messed-up guy. And all you trusted him so blatantly."

Zooble’s eyes blazed. “Oh, give me a break—”

“Zooble.” Kinger’s voice cut through, as he stood up from his bean bag, sharp but tired. “You’re not helping.”

They turned on him, shaking. “Helping? Are you serious?" She huffed. "Everyone’s always got an excuse for him—‘oh, he’s broken, he’s trying’—but what about the rest of us? Huh? We've all been trying this whole time!" Their voice cracked on trying, the word hitting the floor like glass. "And now he claims that Ribbit was the abusive one! Where was that information before? Huh?"

Kinger sighed, shoulders heavy. “Everyone here is suffering, Zooble. This place—it isn’t natural for any of us.” His tone softened, careful but firm. “Nobody knows the whole truth about anything. We’ve all just got pieces of the puzzle… our own little fragments of how the world works.”

“...Kinger’s right,” Pomni said quietly.

The room went still again. Her voice wasn’t angry or defensive — just small, tired. “We’re all hurt. We’re all trying. But this—” she gestured between Jax and Zooble “—this isn’t helping either.”

Jax’s eyes snapped toward her. “And you thought telling them that I have a mental illness was helpful?”

The words came out tight, controlled — but the control only made them more dangerous. The kind of tone that made everyone else in the room want to shrink away.

Pomni froze. “I didn’t say what it was!” she blurted, hands half-raised. “I just— I thought they deserved to know something—”

“That’s not your choice,” he said. Quiet, but it hit harder than a shout.

For a moment, no one moved. The air felt too heavy to breathe.

Then Zooble scoffed, breaking the silence. “So what, you want us to feel sorry for you now? What’s the excuse for all the crap you’ve done, huh? You some kind of psycho?”

The word landed like a slap.

Jax’s face twitched — just barely — but the look in his eyes went flat.

Ragatha gasped. “Zooble!”

But Jax didn’t snap. He didn’t yell or throw something. He just… smiled.

A small, almost polite smile. The kind that didn’t reach his eyes.

“You know what’s funny?” he said softly. “That’s exactly what Ribbit used to call me.”

The room went silent.

He took a slow breath, the kind that looked controlled but sounded like it hurt. “Psycho. Crazy. Broken toy. You name it. Guess you’re not so different from him after all.”

Zooble froze, their expression faltering for the first time.

Ragatha slowly stood, her hands trembling at her sides. “Jax…” she said softly, “that’s not fair.”

His eyes flicked to her, guarded, unreadable.

“I’m not saying what Zooble said was right,” she continued, voice gentle but shaking. “It wasn’t. But you can’t keep comparing everyone to him. We’re not Ribbit. None of us are.”

Jax’s smile twitched. “Aren’t you?”

Ragatha’s breath hitched.

He laughed under his breath — quiet, bitter, broken. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Fuck all of you. None of you deserve my kindness. None of you deserve my effort.

"Jax." Pomni's voice was smooth compared to his inner thoughts. "Don't let this ruin your attempt at changing. Please." 

He looked at her. Hard. But stayed quiet.

He didn't want to be mad at her. Did he even have a choice?

She stayed . . . Didn't she? Just like she promised. She made that choice after all. Despite everything.

She’d put this whole thing together for everyone’s benefit. All of the notes slipped under his door proved that she cared about him.

And yet… she made one mistake, and he already wanted to rip her apart. How was that fair? After all the effort to build the trust they had… one small thing could make the house of cards collapse.

Jax’s fists clenched at his sides. He wanted to yell. To storm out. To shove the world away and be done with it. But Pomni’s steady presence kept him frozen.

She didn’t frown. Didn’t lecture. She just was, and that was somehow worse. He could feel the weight of every note, every effort she’d made, pressing on him like a reminder that he wasn’t alone… whether he liked it or not.

Ragatha hovered nearby, silent but attentive. Her eyes darted between him and Pomni, unsure if she should intervene or let him wrestle with his own storm.

Zooble, on the other hand, muttered under their breath, shifting on the spot. “This… this is pointless. None of it matters if he’s just gonna shut down anyway.” They turned away from the group. "Come on Gangle, let's get out of here."

She pulled the blanket around her tighter, unsure of whether to stay or leave with them. 

Jax’s chest tightened. Something inside him roared — the static behind his ribs buzzing like wildfire sparking back up.

“It matters to me.” The words stumbled out against his will, rough and jagged. He hadn’t meant to say them aloud, hadn’t meant to admit anything at all.

No. It doesn't. 

Yes. It does. 

Pomni froze, her eyes widening. Ragatha’s mouth opened, then closed again, unsure. Even Zooble’s steps faltered.

He didn’t look at anyone else. Didn’t let them see how much of himself he’d just exposed. He only breathed, heavy and uneven, as if saying it had cost him more than he wanted to pay.

"I'm sorry. For everything." 

His words almost a whisper. 

What am I doing? I look weak! Stupid. Shut up before they make you look foolish. You can't let them see that your afraid. They'll use it against you. 

Stop being human. Stop being so fragile.

Your pathetic. 

He growled as the thoughts burst through him with such force, making him feel dizzy.

Pomni’s eyes softened, but he didn’t meet them. “I didn’t tell anyone about the diagnosis because it’s been used against me in the past. It’s most certainly not an excuse for how I’ve been acting.”

He glanced briefly at Zooble, then away. “So don’t think it’s some magic key to justify my behavior. That’s not what it is. And that's why I didn't tell anyone. Because of reactions like that."

Zooble was unsure what to say.

Kinger stepped closer, his voice quiet and calm. “Jax… I get it. We can’t fix what’s happened to you, and I won’t pretend to know exactly what that’s like. But you don’t have to face it all alone. We’re here, and we want to understand.”

Ragatha nodded, eyes soft and steady.

Pomni placed a hand lightly on his shoulder. The contact was gentle, almost hesitant, but deliberate — a small anchor in the chaos of his thoughts.

He wanted to push her away. 

That would certainly make this simpler, wouldn't it?

 Hey! You guys wanna see a cool edit I made? (It's a YouTube video, nothing bad. I promise!) - I wouldn't do that shit to my beautiful readers /srs

Click here :3

Chapter Text

“Come on.” Pomni’s voice was soft, careful. “Let’s go.” She smiled up at him — small, fragile, but real.

He looked at her, every thought from the argument still echoing in his head. It was like he couldn’t let himself have a single moment of peace. He didn't want to let himself believe that she cared. Despite everything. She told them something that she had no right to tell. 

It didn't make him angry. Instead the dread grabbed at his insides. 

But - he definitely didn't wanna stay here any longer.

“Alright,” he rasped at last. His throat felt dry, his voice rough from too many words that had gone wrong. He didn’t know what else to do — what anyone was supposed to do after all that yelling. After all those secrets and lies pushed to the forefront of his mind - ripping at his very being. Tearing at the fabric of the circus.

He told them the truth about Ribbit. After all this time, what did it matter?

No one ever believed him. Besides . . . Pomni . . . But he didn't know how to feel after what Zooble had said. 

Ragatha opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but stopped herself short.

Zooble crossed their arms, muttering something under their breath, but didn’t try to stop them either.

Pomni tugged gently on his arm, guiding him toward the door.

Jax let her. His steps were slow and uneven, the door clicking shut behind them.

The hallway was dim, lit by the tired flicker of circus lights. Their glow warped across the walls in bands of sickly pink and yellow. Each step echoed softly — hollow, fragile, too loud for how quiet everything felt.

Every few steps, Jax’s hand twitched like he wanted to shove them into his pockets, before remembering he didn’t have any.

He let them hang uselessly at his sides. They trembled anyway.

God, what was that? How was that helpful? 

He didn’t want to believe she cared — it hurt too much to risk being wrong again.

She told them. How much did she tell them? Are they all lying to me when they said she didn't say what the diagnosis was? She must be a liar too. They are all liars.

I can't trust her. I shouldn't trust her. Ever again. 

But I want to.

No I don't. 

He watched her walk in front of him, leading him down the hall towards one of their rooms. 

When they reached his room, Jax pushed the door open.

Pomni lingered in the doorway, uncertain — like she wasn’t sure if he wanted her there.

“What— you scared of me now or something?” he asked, forcing a crooked grin that didn’t reach his eyes.

“No—” she blurted out. “Of course not.”

“Then get in here, loser.” 

Her lips thinned, but she stepped inside anyways, and shut the door behind her — the soft click of the lock sounding louder than it should have.

“So,” Jax started, forcing an easy tone as he crossed the room and sat on the bed. “That was a pretty cool adventure you came up with. Was that your idea — the dessert smell? It's been a while since I've smelt Apple crumble. Reminded me of home-" 

He leaned back against the wall, eyes flicking to the cluster of notes Pomni had made him, stuck just above his headboard — reminders, doodles, kind words.

They made his insides sting with confusion. He slouched in on himself, arms curling tight like he was trying to hold himself together. How could she share something so personal.

“Yeah,” she said, smiling faintly. “I thought it would help make things easier. Or - help at least." Jax feels ... off. . . 

He made a hm noise. Unable to focus on what she was talking about. "So - why did you tell them?" His voice was flat - he wanted to push her buttons. He wanted her to feel the same way he did.

Pomni’s smile fell. And his irises became smaller. “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” she sighed. “I just thought they deserved to know that you—aren’t—um—”

“What? Sound of mind?” He cut her off cleanly, the words sharp enough to make her flinch. He shot up from the bed. Raising his hands to his chest- striking a pose that displayed his emotions openly. Acting bigger and more dramatic then in the therapy room. “Telling them I have a diagnosis means they can use it against me — even if you don’t say what it is.”

She tensed, her voice shrinking. “Okay. That’s… that’s fair.” 

He stared at her at her for a moment. The silence uncomfortable. A smile grew on his face - but it was twisted and wrong. "Pomni- do you realize what you did?" 

"I--" Her voice faltered. 

"No-" He laughed. "Of course you don't." His voice was tight, tense. His eyes like pins, watching her.

Pomni stared at him. Stunned. But not confused - "Yes." She stood her ground. Her eye's were calm. She didn't even react to his rapid change of emotion. But she was still speaking kindly, warmly.

Jax found that ... creepy. But . . . . He blushed. His anger immediately dissipating - replaced with a warmth that he didn't understand. It made his heart thump in his chest.  

"Your right. I don't." She raised her hands to her chest. "There is nothing I can do to take back the guilt I feel for telling a secret, that kind of secret, I had no right to tell. I shouldn't have told them. I am very sorry Jax. I hope you can forgive me." 

Wait—what? She wasn’t gonna challenge him? Gaslight him? That’s… never happened before. . . . "What-" He breathed. Eyes like pins. 

She smiled warmly, "Do you need to be alone? Or would you like me to stay?"

His eye's scanned her. "I- uh-" He shook his head, resetting himself. "No - No you can stay pom-pom." He lowered his voice. "I sleep better when your here anyways." 

"Oh - what was that?" She stepped closer to him and the bed. 

He smiled, putting a finger over his mouth to shush her. "Nothing, clown." Shutting off the lights and jumping into bed. 

Pomni chuckled, Sliding into the bed beside him. 

"Night pom-pom."

"Night Jax."

As the lights dimmed, the silence between them felt almost safe. There were no voices, no accusations — just breathing. 

Still, his stomach twisted — a dull ache left over from his own overreaction.

“You stupid kid.”

His mother’s voice broke through the dark — jagged, glitching. A blacked-out, flickering figure loomed above him, her face stuttering between shapes. A hand clamped around his wrist, dragging him down a stone path.

“Felix. Come on.” His own name sounded corrupted. Like a glitching audio file. He forgot what it was the second it was said - slipping through his mind. 

A rough tug. A tight squeeze. A child’s choked sob.

“The next time you put your hands on a kid— they’ll never let you back in school! Quit beating up kids, you fucking brat!”

A hard smack. The world cracked white.

Was he crying? He reached up, fingertips brushing wet skin — warm tears spilling fast. When he pulled his hand away, his stomach lurched.

He was human.

Definitely dreaming.

The scene around him lurched and shifted, fast-forwarding through years of memories. Colors bled and inverted — blue to red, yellow to static.

“Felix. What are you doing?”

A newspaper slammed into his chest, thrown by a man in the corner of the room.

“Quit gawking at your father."

“I don’t want to live like them. I don’t want to be like them.”

He heard his own voice — younger, desperate, trembling with conviction — echo through the static.

Then the scene flashed.

He was crying, curled up against the lap of one of his exes. Her face hovered above him, smiling down — soft, sweet… but the grin didn’t reach her eyes.

“Don’t worry, sweetie,” she cooed, voice syrup-thick and cruel beneath the tenderness. “I’ll never treat you like that.”

Another flash.

Years later — same room, same faces, but the air was rancid with anger.

“I wish I never met you!” she screamed, every word like glass shattering against the walls.

Jax jerked awake, breath tearing out of his chest like he’d been drowning. His vision swam — color bleeding and reforming into the circus walls around him. The flickering light stung his eyes.

His hands gripped the bedsheets so tightly his knuckles turned white. Sweat slicked his palms, the phantom sting of that last shout still echoing in his skull.

For a moment, he didn’t know where he was. The walls didn’t move, but his pulse did — too fast, too loud.

Not home.
Not there.

He looked down.

Pomni was curled beside him, fast asleep. One arm loosely draped over her stomach, her breathing soft and steady. Her hair was a mess, her hat tilted just enough to make her look almost human.

He swallowed hard, the air thick in his throat. His hands trembled as he dragged them over his face.

Just a dream.
Just another dream.

He turned slightly, careful not to wake her. The warmth of her body beside his felt… unreal. Like something he wasn’t supposed to have.

For a moment, he just watched her sleep — then let out a quiet, shaky laugh.

“God, you’re too good for this place,” he whispered under his breath.