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Sometimes it just feels like there's no right choice to make. Whatever he does, no matter how much he's thought it over, he can only ruin things. Jon is like everyone else, trying to survive in a fucked up world. Why is it that it’s seen as more horrendous when he fails, compared to other avatars who don’t try to be good at all?
He’s caught between his hunger and his inability to let go of his humanity. It’s impossible to stall his tongue and still his mind; the questions still linger, but he doesn’t want to stop pretending he’s still like everyone else. Aren’t they all touched by the Fears by this point?
It’s as Elias said, he’s exactly what the Beholding wants. Even with his guilt, his curiosity overrides it. Only for a time. The self-hate returns during late night when people dream, his statement givers dream of him, and he is the monster. It’s a vicious cycle he can’t tear himself away from.
It’s not that he wants to side with Elias, but rather that no one else will have him. Elias sees great things for him– and Jon, with his fragile humanity, has faults like greed and selfishness. He wants to be something. Under Elias’s guiding hand he doesn’t need to choose what that something is.
With Elias, he can focus on the statements, letting his mind blur. In that state, the guilt and hatred slip away. Jon is a peaceful, empty shell simply meant to know things. And Elias will fill him up, presenting new files in front of him to satiate the hunger. While the others scorn him, Elias finds him beautiful. An archive is meant to hold stories impartially, to never show bias. The Magnus Institute is concrete walls and cold, tile floors that can’t be called evil or good, for it is a structure.
Jon wants to be full like that, full of stories, watching with neutral eyes. Even if others would insult him, he would still be serving his purpose, serving their god. Even if it horrifies Jon, it feels good to be good for someone. Elias can fill him up, setting him aflame, giving him what he needs, all while he doesn't need to have a single thought of his own. The lack of control can't scare him because he isn't even in his own head anymore.
The bliss wears off eventually, the warmth of the statement fading. Jon’s mind returns to him, bringing back the flurry of awful emotions he was trying to escape. Another statement is fed to the Beholding, another story added to his Archive, another way to make Elias satisfied and everyone else horrified with him.
He wishes it didn’t hurt so many people. His momentary peace of mind will bring further terror to innocents, but he doesn’t know how to stop. His hands shake to grab more papers or to approach the nearest person he can find to extract their story. It reminds Jon of quitting cigarettes and how hard that was. During the low moments, he craved the relief of lighting one, but it was bad for him. Bad for others.
Even if he ‘quit’ he still kept a pack nearby, ready for his moment of weakness. He’s never been good at making choices for himself. It’s easier to give someone else the reins.