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‘Hikaru’ had that dumb feeling again. That deep pain in his chest, which had been bothering him for days. That heavy feeling behind his eyeballs, as if he was about to burst into tears any second by now. Those melancholic thoughts, which would never leave his mind. That tiredness, gosh, he needed to sleep so badly, even though he had slept for 10 hours that night. That voice in his head, telling him not to do anything. He just… didn't want to see his friends. He didn't want to play games. He just wanted to stay in bed, cry and sleep.
He longed for those tears that never came. He needed to relieve that stress. Crying made him feel good. Crying made him feel lighter. Yet, he couldn't do it. He just stared at the blank wall and the corner of his Master & Master poster, the only thing his eyes were able to capture without moving. He was laying there in the same position for about an hour now. He was trying so badly to cry. But he couldn't. So he decided to try something else.
He had just finished watching the film. Hell, it was miserable. He was bursting his eyes out. The protagonist had cancer, she met the love of her life, who was suicidal, but when her love decided not to die, she was euthanized. It was touching, it was sensible. Yet, after he finished crying, he didn't feel better: as a matter of fact, he felt worse. His problem was so small, but he felt the same way that boy felt when he saw his love dead. He wanted to lay in bed and rot there for some time. Maybe hours, maybe days, maybe weeks… Who knew? He just didn't want to deal with the world right now.
‘Hikaru’ longed for Yoshiki. It was the only thing he could think of. How badly he wanted his friend. He wanted to hug him, to hold his hand, to kiss him. Hell, he maybe would even allow Yoshiki to have sex with him. Not that he wanted. But he just was desperate for any sort of contact with the boy. Even the slightest eye contact was able to make him see stars. The smallest laugh that sprung after one of his jokes made him die and rebirth. He wanted that all. Yoshiki always said he was selfish, but it was actually him who was selfish. He wanted the dark haired boy all for himself. Not only all, but only for himself.
He couldn't help but to feel nostalgic when he saw Yoshiki at school. Nostalgic for something he never had. Not even the old Hikaru had. The old Hilary didn't even have a crush on Yoshiki, yet, there he was, on the verge of tears because he was talking to another girl.
What did he want ‘Hikaru’ to be to be willing of his love? He needed to be more feminine? More delicate? More soft? More calm? More quiet? These questions hammered his head all day, not leaving a chance for him to breathe or think. He needed to be loved by Yoshiki. Why? Why would the only thing he desired wouldn't be conceived to him? Wasn't he the god of wishes or something? Yoshiki once explained it to him, but he was too busy looking at his beautiful face.
He had to see him everyday. Talk to him everyday. He couldn't keep his composure sometimes, and would be called peaking at Yoshiki. He would feel his cheeks getting red as he would look away. Yoshiki would just laugh. He was surely talking about ‘Hikaru' on his back. How he was a monster, filthy, disgusting… Only because he dared to send a letter to him on Valentine's Day. He didn't quite get why his school made that activity, as they were in Japan, but he decided to write something for his love. The title of a romantic song, something he would always listen to, picturing both of them living in Tokyo, and signed only as H. He was quick to guess, and he said that he didn't like him back.
Yet, he gave those mixed signals. Maybe he was seeing things, but he was sure Yoshiki was trying to mess with him. Those smiles, him coming closer, looking sad when ‘Hikaru’ had to talk to someone else. It could only be his mind making things up to support his feelings, but even if he tried to brush these signs off, they kept coming. He just wanted to turn off his brain and pretend nothing was happening.
Oh please, God, if You're real, please have mercy on me.