Chapter Text
Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.
For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human’s most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth.
But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a “new” kid spreads throughout the land.
In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the drow elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands.
For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe…
My name is Dovahkiin Watson.
I’m nine years old, with unkempt dark brown hair and pale skin. I usually wear a dark green sweatshirt and black jeans. But what most people notice about me are the dark circles under my eyes. They make me look tired and sometimes traumatized. It doesn’t help that my default expression is apathetic, and I don’t normally speak. My life was already somewhat unusual, but things really changed when my family moved to a quiet little mountain town called South Park…
The movers were still bringing in the last of our boxes as we started unpacking. We’d spent the night in the empty house. I had just changed out of my pajamas when I heard my parents’ talking downstairs.
“Well, I think that’s everything.” Came my dad’s voice in the living room. My mother was quick to respond.
“We did it, hon, we’re really moved in!”
“It’s a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!”
“Do you really think it will be better for… him?”
I listened closer to see what my dad would say about it. I wasn’t optimistic. We’d moved six times in the past four years, and while South Park wasn’t exactly close to any big towns, it wasn’t completely isolated either.
“They won’t look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn’t attract any attention. Come on, let’s see how he’s doing.”
I heard them starting up the stairs and pretended to go through my things to unpack them. My mom knocked on the door.
“Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?”
Since I didn’t respond, they just came in. Dad tried to initiate conversation.
“Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?”
I looked around the room without saying anything. The room was fine. Honestly, I was a little annoyed at the names like “Sweetie” and “Champ” instead of using the name they gave me. I don’t hate my first name, it’s certainly unique, but the fact remains that my parents chose to name me just so they could get lifetime free games from Bethesda, and they almost never use it. Even when they’re angry at me.
My dad continued speaking.
“I know it’s a big change for all of us, but…” he hesitated. “Son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?”
Of course I remember, I thought to myself. Unless I was an amnesiac or repressed it, how could I forget?
Dad whispered to mom, “He doesn’t remember.”
Excuse me!
Mom whispered back.
“He doesn’t remember at all.”
I can HEAR you! Just because I don’t speak doesn’t mean I don’t understand your voices!
“That’s good. That’s good he doesn’t remember.
Am I just invisible to you two?
I decided not to speak up about it. If they thought I didn’t remember, they might not be as worried as they were before we moved. Then they could enjoy life here, without the paranoia. I could deal with the nightmares and trauma on my own.
“Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don’t you go out and make some friends?”
I’ll admit, I was excited by the idea of making real friends. Social media friends don’t really count. We’d moved around so often that I hadn’t really had the chance to make any friends before, not to mention how paranoid my parents had been.
“Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids.”
“We’ve got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark.”
I nodded at that but didn’t say anything. Dad didn’t seem to like that.
“Yeah, we love you, too.” He said sarcastically. The two of them left the room.
I sighed. I knew my dad loved me, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he resented me a little. I’m sure he didn’t imagine this was how his life would go, all because of me.
I took one last look around my room. The furniture had all been put in already, and my globe and pet fish had been unpacked. The only things that weren’t unpacked now were some boxes of my toys and clothes, and my computer.
I left my room and walked down the hallway to the stairs. The whole place was littered with boxes and paintings. Once I was downstairs, I grabbed the two dollars that my parents had and put it with the four dollars I already had from my allowance. Then, I headed outside.
I started down the street, hoping to run into some other kids. I wasn’t entirely sure how I’d become friends with them, especially considering how little I speak, but I was still going to try. I’d barely left my front yard when I heard some voices.
“You shall die by my war hammer, drow elf!”
“Nuh uh!”
“I banish thee to the forest realm!”
“No way, I banished you first! Ha HA! You can’t hold out much longer.”
“HELP! SOMEBODY!!! I can’t hold out much longer!!! HEEELLLLLPPP!”
The speakers were two boys about my age. The first one was a blond boy wearing a turquoise outfit and a blue cape. He had on yellow gloves and was carrying a hammer. The second boy wore a green-gray elf costume and pointed ears. He was carrying a wooden sword toy.
Oh, so they’re playing some kind of role-playing game. Cool.
The elf boy charged the blond kid and started swinging his sword at him, knocking him to the ground. I ran over and shoved him off the other boy.
As soon as he was off the other kid, the elf boy turned to look at me angrily.
“Hey, no fair. That’s cheating. I’m going to go tell my mom.”
The elf ran off, leaving me alone with the blond boy
“Thanks, kid. I didn’t realize he had a health potion.” I noticed that he seemed to have a slight Southern accent, or something like it. “My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I’m a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!”
That was easy.
My phone gave me an alert. I checked it quickly to see that Butters had already friended me on Facebook, and posted a new message: “Hey, everybody! There’s a new kid playing with us, and me and him are friends! That way nobody picks on him.”
So, it begins again.
“Now that we’re friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He’s been talking about your arrival! The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there.”
I started following Butters down the street as he kept talking. I answered his questions in my head.
“Hey, where are you from?”
All over the place.
“Where’d you live before moving here?”
Somewhere I can’t go back to any time soon.
“Do you like Colorado?”
“It’s fine. I could learn to like it.
“Why are you wearing your hair like that?”
What’s wrong with my hair?
“You don’t talk much, do ya? That’s ok, I can talk enough for both of us!”
I smiled inwardly. At least Butters didn’t mind that I didn’t talk. I figured that we’d be good friends going forward.
We approached the green house on the other side of Butters’s very own house. Butters knocked on the door, and it was answered by a very fat kid in a red robe, blue cape, and turquoise wizard hat with a yellow star and smiley face on it. He was carrying a staff. Butters called out, “All hail the Grand Wizard!” despite nobody else being around.
The Grand Wizard spoke to me.
“So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom.”
We entered the Wizard’s house, where a woman, probably his mom, was watching Terrance & Phillip on the tv. She spoke up as we walked past.
“Oh, who’s your new friend, Eric?”
“Shut up Mom, not now.”
Well, that’s rude.
I went up to shake her hand, but the Wizard “Eric” just told me, “Don’t talk to her, she’s not part of the game.”
The Grand Wizard led me to his back yard, where he gestured to it and said, “Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!”
Honestly, I was impressed. A large castle façade had been built in front of a tent, complete with drawbridge and towers. Scattered around the backyard was a table with weapons and armor, some training dummies, a fenced-off area labeled “Stables” with a kid and a cat inside, a kiddie pool labeled “Pool of Vision”, a rock labeled “Rock of Insanity”, and a tree stump labeled “Wizard Stump”. The Wizard led me over to the weapons table. Next to it was a boy wearing a helmet, red jacket, blue gloves, and a blue-purple cape. He had a pair of scissors tucked into his belt.
“Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior.”
We then went over to the stables.
“Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes.”
Scott was a brown-haired boy with freckles. He wore a green sweatshirt (a much lighter shade than mine) and blue-green cape. He also wore a bandolier with bottles and syringes in it, presumably his insulin.
Lastly, the Wizard led me to the castle, where a kid wearing what looked to be a Princess Zelda dress and blond wig. I knew it was a wig because the kid was wearing it over the hood of a worn orange parka, which covered her so completely that only her eyes and nose could be seen.
“And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom.”
Kenny started twirling a lock of the wig with his finger as the Wizard whispered, “Don’t ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it’s just how he seems to be rolling right now…”
I was then able to explore the kingdom on my own. I looked at the training area for a moment, then went up to Clyde, who gave me a (rehearsed) line about a battle he was in. He then friended me on Facebook. Scott Malkinson spoke to me as well and also friended me on Facebook.
There was a ladder against one of the towers. I climbed it and got a good look at downtown South Park which, according to the Grand Wizard, was the home of corrupt merchant lords and homeless people.
I descended the ladder and approached Princess Kenny, who spoke to me. Unfortunately, the parka muffled her speech so much I could barely make out any words, though one word I caught was “flower”. I saw a daffodil growing on one side of the backyard and picked it, bringing it back to the princess. She accepted it, speaking to me some more in her muffled voice, then friended me on Facebook.
Having seen my fill of the kingdom, I “spoke” to the Grand Wizard.
“You have been sought out, new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom.”
Oh, so you want to use me? Damnit, I’m in hiding to avoid this kind of shit.
“I know you are very excited. It’s time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name.”
The Grand Wizard handed me a piece of paper and a pencil. I scribbled ‘Dovahkiin’ onto it and handed it back to him. He examined it for a moment, then spoke again.
“You entered ‘Douchebag.’ Is that correct?”
He was keeping a straight face, but I could see in his eyes that he was messing with me. I figured that he’d call me this regardless of what I tried to tell him.
I shrugged, and he asked again, “Are you sure you want to keep the name Douchebag?”
I shrugged again, and he handed me back the paper.
“Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew.”
What was that last one?
Butters had brought out four outfits and four cards, each with the class name on it. I browsed through them, listening to the Wizard’s comments on each one. I didn’t like how said that we’d “never really be friends” if I picked ‘Jew’. Ultimately, I settled on ‘Fighter’, and was given a blue jacket, brown pants, yellow and orange striped gloves, and a red headband.
“We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Fighter!”
Butters cheered, “Hooray!” but nobody else really reacted.
The Wizard spoke up again.
“Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!”
I headed over to Clyde at the weapons shop.
“Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?”
Tips and rumors are fine for video games, but with my limited real-life money, I should just buy a weapon.
I looked at the selection, but the only thing I could buy was a simple wooden sword. It cost me two dollars and thirty-four cents.
Once I had my weapon in hand, the Grand Wizard approached me again.
“Ah, you have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight – beat up Clyde.”
What?!
“What?!”
Clyde had echoed my unspoken surprise.
“Kick Clyde’s ass, New Kid!”
“What’d I do?!”
“I’m the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Co on, New Kid, kick his ass.”
Knowing that there was no way out of it, we both stood on opposite sides of the path to the castle. Clyde declared that he was going to kick my ass, only for the Wizard to remind him that he’d have to wait his turn. Apparently, he thought medieval combat was turn-based. But I wasn’t complaining.
I charged Clyde and hit him twice with my sword. It didn’t seem to hurt him too badly. The Wizard King cheered as I returned to my previous position. Then he gave me some advice.
“All right, Clyde’s wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can.”
I charged Clyde again and hit him harder with one strike. I wasn’t totally comfortable with hitting him, and I felt even worse when the Wizard said that he thought he saw blood, but I promised myself that I’d make it up to Clyde later.
The Wizard instructed me how to block, and had Clyde take his turn. He swung his sword at me, and I deflected it with my own, preventing most of the damage I could have taken.
“YES!! That’s what I’m talking about. Dude, you’re already WAY better than Clyde.”
The Wizard then told me about “heroic powers” Apparently at my current level, I had 12 power points, or PP. He wasn’t too thrilled when Clyde laughed at the acronym’s pronunciation.
My only ability was to use a bat to hit Clyde with a baseball. I tried to avoid hitting his head, but it still knocked him down. I think he may have been hit with the bat as well. I actually hit him a few more times until the bat broke. I’m not proud of that, but I was caught up in the moment. When Clyde got back up, he was bruised and definitely bleeding this time. I blocked his next attack and struck back with another hard strike. He went down crying.
I ignored the Wizard’s laughing and imitating Clyde’s reactions and went to help Clyde up. He waved me away and dusted himself off. He looked pissed, but I wasn’t sure if it was at me or the Wizard. His injuries were also gone, which confused me.
The Wizard calmed down and spoke to me normally.
“Okay, okay. You’ve proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic.”
I followed the Wizard into the tent. An old armchair with tools and sports equipment emerging from the back sat in the middle of the tent, flanked by lit tiki torches, obviously the Grand Wizard’s throne. An Antonio Banderas blow-up doll sat in the corner, made up to look like a warrior. A homemade map of the town hung on one wall. Buckets of eaten fried chicken littered the whole place.
“Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die… The Stick of Truth.”
The Stick of Truth sat on a cushion on a plinth underneath an overhead light. It looked like any other stick that one might find in their yard.
“Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe.”
He averted his eyes,
“Don’t gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!”
I had to admit; the Wizard was good at getting me hyped for the game. And I was looking forward to a quest.
“Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let’s discuss your dues.”
Excuse me?
“Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductable-“
Butters’s voice cut him off, screaming “ALARM!!!” over and over.
“Someone has sounded the alarm!”
Butters burst into the tent, still screaming “Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!”
“What is it?”
“The elves are attacking!” Butters gestured out of the tent.
“Oh my God! Defensive positions!”
We left the tent. The Wizard shouted orders to the others to man the gate.
One elf outside the gate, a blonde boy wearing a Link costume, shouted, “Give us the Stick, humans!”
“Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!” The Wizard turned to Clyde. “CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!”
Clyde ran off with an “Aye, aye!”
“’Aye, aye?’ We’re not playing PIRATES, Clyde!!”
He turned back to me.
“Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!!!”
I nodded and looked around. Elves were everywere. One was attacking Butters, another had already knocked out Scott Malkinson. A third was even trying to hit the cat from the stables. I have a special hatred for people who hurt animals, but the cat was pretty good at evading, so I decided to start with the one who was hitting Scott while he was down.
The elf called over a second elf, who was carrying a bow and arrow. The first elf assumed a blocking stance with his sword while the second one shot me with an arrow. It was just a toy with a suction cup, but it still hurt. The Wizard told me that potions would heal me and tossed me a bag of Cheesy Poofs. I ate them and felt better.
“The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise.”
A better compromise would probably have been two, but I don’t know what other potions do yet.
The sword-wielding elf attacked me, but I blocked his strikes. The deflected second strike actually knocked him to the ground, and I jabbed him in the ass with my own sword. He retreated back to his own position, only to try again with a similar result.
I charged the bowman and knocked him out with one hit. Figuring I’d need a ranged weapon, I snagged his bow and arrows for later use. The swordsman charged me one last time, but I deflected his blows again and counterattacked, sending him running off.
I looted the fallen elf and then ran to help Butters, who wasn’t faring well against the elf he was fighting. Like before, the elf summoned an archer to cover him, except this time, he was directly behind the swordsman, meaning I’d have to go through him to reach the archer.
The swordsman assumed another stance, but it wasn’t blocking. I deflected one of the archer’s arrows. The Wizard told me to attack the swordsman, so I did, only to get knocked down. Annoyingly, the Wizard King knew that would happen and laughed about it. Since the sword attack wouldn’t work, I drew my new bow and shot the archer with one powerful shot. He went down hard.
The swordsman switched to a reflecting stance to counter my bow. Irritated with the way he’d knocked me on my ass before, I went for my Special Ability and pulled out my baseball and bat. I hit him with the ball then smacked him a few more times with the bat to make sure he stayed down.
The archer had woken up by that point and ran off. I looted the swordsman and ran to help the cat. The two elves that confronted me this time, however, were different. One carried a baseball bat with some nails in the end. He also pulled out a shield made from broken wooden planks. The other elf carried a sledgehammer.
The Wizard told me to attack the elf with the shield first. I did, but knowing how he’d tricked me into getting knocked down earlier, I went with the first attack which allowed for multiple strikes. It was a smart move. The first strike knocked the shield out of his hand and the second did some damage. He retrieved the shield, but I attacked again and repeated my previous attack, knocking the shield away and hitting him. This time, I did a lot more damage.
I decided to power attack the shield guy the third time, which didn’t work considering I only got one strike there. So, I attacked again and knocked him down with my second strike after knocking the shield away again. I power attacked the second elf, which hurt him, but didn’t knock him down. He counterattacked, but I blocked his blows, then finished him off with an arrow.
With all the elves knocked out, the blond elf called for them to fall back. The Wizard taunted them.
“YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!”
It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t seen the blond elf during any of my battles. Clyde came up to the Wizard. The news was exactly what I thought.
“It’s gone.”
“What?”
“The Stick of Truth. The elves got it.”
There was a beat, then the Wizard blew up at Clyde.
“THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB, CLYDE!! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!”
He paused for a moment, then continued.
“Clyde… you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!”
“What?! NO! You can’t do that!”
“Yeah I can! You’re banished and lost in time and space!”
Butters backed up the Wizard.
“Yeah! Go home, Clyde!”
I thought treating Clyde so badly wasn’t the wisest thing to do. Especially since there were only six of us there and neither the Grand Wizard nor Princess Kenny did any fighting in the battle. But Clyde turned and left without another word. The Wizard turned to me.
“You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag.”
Scott Malkinson agreed.
“Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!”
“Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now!
The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back.”
Butters protested.
“But our three best warriors still haven’t reported for duty, my king!”
“Our newest member can take care of that! Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Tolken, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…”
That last part confused me. I’d never given him my phone number. But sure enough, there were three pictures. I also had their addresses, which I plugged into the map app on my phone to see where they lived in town.
“But beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!”
The Wizard disappeared back into the tent after telling Butters to accompany me. I went to Scott, who was now minding the weapons shop. I showed him some useless junk I’d gotten from the elves, and he offered to buy them. Between the money from them and the cash I’d looted, my net worth had gone up to about eighteen dollars.
I decided to search the Wizard’s house for more loose money, since I wanted to try and get some new weapons. I don’t approve of stealing, but something told me all the profits from the weapon’s shop would end up in the Wizard’s pocket again anyway. Also, I was feeling petty after the battles.
I went up to the Wizard’s mother in the kitchen, and she told us to be careful. She friended me on Facebook as well. I checked her name. Mrs. Cartman. I figured I’d call the Wizard by his last name since I disliked using the title, and his first name didn’t really seem right to call him by.
I also got an alert that I had moved up to level two and could upgrade one of my special abilities. In addition to my baseball ability, I now had one called Roshambo, which seemed to be playing rock, paper, scissors, then kicking my opponent in the balls. I decided to upgrade that one.
After searching the house (and finding some gross stuff along the way), I had thirty-two dollars to spend. I bought a Warrior’s Scimitar and Clyde’s helmet, which was the only armor piece that I could buy with my level.
Once that was done, I gestured to a flag in the middle of the yard.
“That’s for the Timmy Express. He’s a kid who gives rides around town, but you’ll need to activate more pickup points to use the service.”
I nodded and we left the house. I also picked up a Chimpokomon that was in Cartman’s garage. Butters told me that if I found all of them, I’d be rewarded.
So we set off on our first proper quest, to gather the warriors. I was feeling great.
But I’d also seen a message from Clyde on Facebook, and that dimmed my spirits a little.
“Fuck you, New Kid! Things were fine until you showed up! I’ll get you back for this, I swear!