Chapter Text
For as long as Tsukasa could remember, he's been terrified of being in love. He's never been sure why, he just has.
He's tried dating people— mainly girls to appease his mother— but it never worked out. He always ended up freaking out and ending the relationships before they could.
At times, he's wondered if he's just not into girls like that, so he tried dating a boy for a few weeks. That definitely wasn't the problem. That relationship ended exactly the same way as the others. Well, it was a bit more... intense. It felt wrong.
It's not that he has an issue with gay people or anything, but he can't be that way. It's not right. It's weird. It's unnatural. At least, that's what he's been told his entire life.
By the time he reached his second year in highschool, he's simply accepted the fact that he's just unable to love anyone, regardless of their gender. Not only that, but just the thought of it nearly sends him into a panic attack.
It only got worse when he met the new transfer student, Kamishiro Rui.
Something about that boy piqued Tsukasas interest. He wasn't sure if it was affection, admiration, or if maybe he even found him strange like everyone else did.
For some reason, he was constantly drawn to the tall, purple haired boy. Whenever their paths would cross in the halls and Tsukasa could hear him mumbling something to himself, his curiosity grew even larger. He wanted to get to know this new kid. In what way? He's not sure. He just... did.
So, one day, he decided to finally speak to him. He made his way up to the roof during lunch period— he learned from some other students that he goes up there every day— and finds himself searching for him.
It wasn't hard to find the boy with his bright, purple and blue hair. Well, that and the fact that he absolutely towered over the other students.
As he walks up to him, he finds himself getting nervous. It wasn't typical social anxiety, he doesn't have an issue with that. No, he knew this feeling all too well. It's the same thing that happens every time the thought of being in love crosses his mind.
First, his hands begin to sweat. Then, his breathing speeds up, usually a concerning amount. And finally, the nausea.
The nausea was the worst part. The feeling of his throat burning and his airway being forcefully shut, the desire to discard everything he had eaten up until that moment growing by the second, his legs giving out as he struggles to stay steady on them. Every part of it was awful.
But... why was this happening? Why now? He barely even knows the kid, so why is his brain convincing itself that he's in love with him? He's not! At least, he doesn't think he is. He doesn't want to be. He can't be.
As he sits on the floor arguing with himself while simultaneously trying to keep his breakfast down, he hears light, cautious footsteps approaching him. He's soon shaded by the mystery persons shadow as they kneel down to speak to him.
"Hey, are you alright? You don't look very well..."
The voice was calm. He could tell that the owner of said voice definitely had a playful side to them, but they were putting it to the side to fit the situation.
"Y-yeah... I'm—" As he tries to answer, the feeling in his throat gets stronger, putting him on the verge of losing his beloved pancake breakfast as he throws his hand over his mouth.
"Let's get you to the nurse, okay? I think you should go home for the day..."
Tsukasa weakly nods and lets the student help him up. He could barely keep his eyes open during the entire walk to the nurse, so he didn't get the chance to see who was even holding him up.
When they get to the office, he's sat down on one of the beds as the other student leaves to speak with the nurse. He lays himself down and tries his best to calm his body and get rid of the nausea.
He hears the student and nurse having a conversation from across the room before the woman approaches him to make sure he's alright. After checking his temperature and getting a few mumbled responses from the blonde on how he was feelings, she calls his mother to pick him up.
After she hangs up the phone, her attention returns to the student that brought him in.
"What's your name and class? I'll send you back with a note so your teacher knows where you were."
"Oh, thank you. I'm in class 2-B, and my name is Kamishiro Rui."
The second those words left his mouth, Tsukasas eyes shoot open. He stares at the duo in front of him, more specifically, Rui.
The sinking feeling in his stomach instantly worsens at the sight of the boy, coughing as he tries to stabilize himself.
The nurse quickly rushes to his side with a bottle of water, trying to help however she can. He eventually calms himself enough to drink it as he sits against the headboard of the bed with a quiet "thank you" to the woman.
After a few moments, Rui finally decides to return to his classroom upon seeing that Tsukasa was doing slightly better.
"I hope you feel better, uhm..." Rui tries to read Tsukasas name tag to learn his name. Seeing him struggling, the blonde decides to help.
"Tenma." He mumbles, refusing to look at Rui.
"Ah, Tenma. I'm Kamishiro. I hope you feel better soon." Rui says. Tsukasa was sure he had the most gentle smile on his face, but he was too scared to confirm it.
"Thanks, Kamishiro..."
"It's no problem at all. Now, I need to go back to class... I'll see you around?" Rui questions with a slightly hopeful tone.
"Yeah... see you..." Tsukasa hears a quiet hum come from the boy as he exits the room. He finally turns to look at him, only getting a small glance before the tall boy fully disappears behind the door. Despite the look being less than a second long, the entire process repeats.
He's in love with Rui. There's no doubt about it. This can't be happening. He shouldn't feel like this, especially towards another boy. It's wrong. He's terrified. This should not be happening.
Just before he could begin spiraling, his mother enters the office to take him home.
When they arrive, the first thing he does is go up to his room to message the only other person who knows about this, his childhood friend Toya.
Tsukasa:
'Toya...'
'I need a little help with something when you have time...'
Assuming his friend was still in school, he sets his phone aside and lays back on his bed, thinking about his situation.
"Why is this happening...? It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be in love with him. We're both guys..."
In the midst of his mini breakdown, Toya messages him back.
Toya:
'Is everything okay?'
'What do you need help with?'
Tsukasa:
'Hey...'
'So... do you remember that thing I told you about?'
'About how my body reacts to being in love?'
Toya:
'I do'
'You said it freaks out or something?'
'Why? Did it happen again?'
Tsukasa:
'Yeah'
'But that's not the problem'
'The problem is who caused it'
Toya:
'Hm?'
'Who would that be?'
'Is it a girl you're not too fond of?'
Tsukasa:
'I would rather it be that'
'But no'
'It's a guy...'
Toya:
'Oh'
'Obviously I don't see an issue with that'
'But... I'm sure you don't appreciate it too much'
Tsukasa:
'No, I don't'
'I barely even know him!'
'But... my brain has decided that it's in love with him...'
'I can't be'
'I don't know what to do'
Toya:
'Well... As a gay person myself, all I can tell you is that it's perfectly okay to have feelings for him.'
'However... Given your issue with love in the first place... I'm not too sure how to help.'
Tsukasa:
'But I'm not supposed to love him'
'I'm... not allowed to.'
Toya:
'I understand that you may feel pressured not to... but you are allowed to love whoever you want, Tsukasa.'
'I'm not sure who told you that you shouldn't, but I want you to know that it's perfectly fine to feel these things.'
Tsukasa:
'I'm scared, Toya'
'Terrified'
Toya:
'I know... and I'm sorry I can't help much other than telling you that it's okay...'
'I still don't know much about the fear part of all of this...'
Tsukasa:
'It's okay...'
'Sorry, I'm sure you've got things to do...'
Toya:
'I do, but if you're stressing out like this, I need to help as best as I can'
Tsukasa:
'No no'
'Go do your things...'
'I'll figure it out'
Toya:
'Are you sure?'
Tsukasa:
'Yeah'
Toya:
'Alright...'
'Just text me if you need anything, okay?'
'You know I'm always here for you'
Tsukasa:
'I will'
'Thanks, Toya'
Toya:
'Of course'
'I'll see you tomorrow'
Tsukasa:
'Yep'
With a heavy sigh, he tosses his phone to the side.
"Maybe it's wrong. Maybe it just... thinks he's nice because he helped me? Yeah... yeah that's gotta be it... I'm not in love with him. I'm not."
With a now raging headache, he decides it's time to stop overthinking it and try to relax and forget all about Rui. He needs to.