Chapter Text
Have you ever wonder how it feels to have the world turn their backs to you? The burn of the holy gazes on your back? The grief of losing that person? Here's the answer...
*5:30 AM. November XXth-2001.*
*I wake up, feeling even worse than yesterday. I don't remember anything that happened the afternoon. Did I get drunk? I think so.*
"Stupid bed covers..."*I say as I push the sheets away and stir underneath them. I try to stretch, my bones crack painfully, am I that old?...Old..?*
"What day is it?..." *I question to the air, rubbing my eyes focused. I still on my bed, I'm not ready at all to start my day...whatever.*
*I stretch again out of my bed and leave my room. It feels so cold now that I remember, but I kinda forgot my jacket in the bedroom. Im too lazy to return for it now.*
*With every step I take I can feel my stomach turning with the hangover. I still don't know how I didn't vomit in my sleep, my mouth tastes and probably smells like shit.*
*I make it to the bathroom, not wanting to see my own reflection on the mirror, I brush my teeth, its the only thing I think is not ugly at all about me. I spill the water and inevitably look into the mirror.*
*As I expected, I'm ugly as fuck. "Soren, you look terrible, have you ever heard of self-love?" Self-love? I can't feel that, not with the horrible things I have done.*
*Sigh.* "Guess I'll just have to live like this..." *I look around the restroom and remember, I may have to take a bath.*
*As I try to remove my clothes, I feel observed. Stalked even. A sense of dread through my back. My hand stills on my shirt, squeezing the fabric of it, my heart hitting against my palm with each breath I take.*
*"Soren, you have to calm down ;(" I say to myself. I know this isn't the first time I have experienced this, but it feels different.*
"God damn...god damn goddamngod- I better not take my clothes off." *My hands fall to my sides, I squeeze my eyes, as if trying to suppress the chills on my spine.*
*I try to get in the bathtub, it feels gross to bath like this.*
*Suddenly I hear some footsteps, loud, raw and approaching to the bathroom door. I feel my fucking soul leave my body for a second, I blink, not even twice. And THERES A FUCKING FESTIVAL OF COLORS ON FRONT OF ME-*
"AHHHHHHH!!!! WHO THE FUCK AREE YOUUUU!!!!!!???" *Ok, maybe I exaggerated here, but can I blame myself? Nuh uh, not now.*
*I almost slipped in the water, it feels so overwhelming.* "Wait...hat...that scar...bow? Uhh- Thomas?" *This is confusing, is that really him?* "Is that you—" *I don't even get the chance to say other word before this idiot grabs my only hand and squeezes—then with a kind of irritant voice he says:* "Yepppo!!!!!! Thats meee!!! HI HI HI SORY HIII HI!!! ^q^"
*He shook my hand with so much force I swear he could have break it.* "E-excuse me?! Sory? What kind of nickname is THAT?!" *I get cut off again by this freak getting in the bathtub, who he thinks he is?*
"Ah. Warm water, such a shame I can't really feel hot now." *'Thomas' said.* "What did you said?-" *I can't even believe how calm im acting now, with the ghost of my best friend, really? Is this how my psychosis is going to play with me now?...*
"Well I'm kinda dead you know-" *I shush him off, yes, I do remember. Even if I prefer not to.* "I obviously DO, you IDIOT!" *Hr grabs my hand and slowly removes it from his mouth.* "Gosh don't get so angry with me, Sory! It makes me sooo sadd..." *He faked a tear.*
*I roll my eyes.* "You aren't actually crying, right?" *He blinked at me twice, as if i just catch him on a lie.* "HOW U KNOW?!" *'Thomas' sniffed really loud, I think I hate him a bit. Yeah I do.* "Darl- Bu- Ahh...Tom. Shut up!"
"Could you at least help me instead of being a crybaby?" "NOPE!" "..." *WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?! If he's going to be in MY bath maybe help me clean my hair or...or...SOMETHING!*
"you know what? I'm leaving." *I stepped out of the bathroom, I feel even heavier with this damn damp clothes, such a loser...but he didn't really answer. I look back and his eyes are...kind of confused and hurt?*
"Oh. Okay I understand..." *He's holding his knees to his head. Those eyes...those damn eyes that appear in my nightmares—bloody red, constricted pupils and that hazel I used to love seeing on the morning. It's all my fault it's now corrupted.*
*"Oh shit..! My vision is blurring...stop it!"I said in my mind, trying to push the tears back in my eyes. A person like me isn't worthy of emotions. Of anything in general.*
"Uhh...Sory? Is everything okayy?!" *He's actually acting...sweet? But...no. I can't take it. He's also so fucking cold.*
"OUCH! You're freezing!" *I flinched back and pushed him away, and to my surprise his expression shifted impossibly quickly. The kind and hurt eyes changed to a hungry and unhinged and the lips that were clenched uncomfortably were now wide open exposing a mouth full of sharp and uneven teeth.*
"DON'T YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER, SORY? TO FINALLY BE HAPPY? TO SHUT YOUR MIND FOREVER AND LIVE A HAPPY EVER AFTER WITH ME?!-" *I closed the door and locked it quickly, I just heard him cry(?) behind the door...I thought ghost could go through stuff.*
"Heh...what a loser..." *I say as i turn to the stairs, dragging my jeans on the stairs, i will probably slip next time i go upstairs, but who cares?*
*I'm actually so hungry right now...maybe a sandwich?*
*I grab the ingredients from the fridge...lettuce, cheese, ham, mayonnaise, tomatoes, bread...and...and...Maybe a slice of my- don't think of that!*
*I put the ingredients one on top of other and when I'm about to cut the tomatoes...the knife seems to be moving on his own, going straight to my arm...I should stop it but...pain makes me feel worthy.*
*When I was about to make the first cut, I heard a knock on the front door, dropping the knife inmediately onto the floor, it clattering against the tiles.* "Oh fuck..." *I just cutted my finger by accident. Hopefully whoever is outside will not notice...*
*The knocking insisted, I grumble:* "Who is it?..."
-"Soren? It's me! **Andreas**!" *OH FUCK HE RETURNED FROM WORK ALREADY? no...he's probably just doing a :morning" checkup on me because his son is with Jennifer.*
"U-uh, I'll be there!" *I manage to choke out, pulling a blamket I found on the couch and wrapped it around me—he can't find out I had a bath like this—*
*I open the door slowly, almost shyly, and there he is. He's obviously more formal than me. I guess he's going to go to qork now? I don't get why people use suits, I kinda hate them-*
"Uhh Soren? You're eye....is drifting upwards-" *"HOLY FUCKING SHIT- I FORGOT MY EYEPATCH!" CLOSE THE DOOR, CLOSE IT NOW!*
*I slammed the door on Andreas' face, maybe I overreacted...nah I don't think so...*
*He's knocking again but I don't know if I'm ready to answer at all. He's a good guy, but...im just unfixable.*
"I- I'm busy right now." *I had to lie.* "On what? Maybe I could help you...I still have ..." *He did a long pause, probably to check his clock* "1 hour left to go to work."
"No...no...I can do this alone, thank you anyways..." *It feels terrible to act like this, to hide myself, but it makes me feel safe in a weird way.*
*I heard his hand knock one last time before backing up and going away, I could hear his footsteps on the snow coating the once green grass. I actually wanted some human contact but I can't help myself.*
*I gotta get up of the floor and eat. Drink. Take Medicine. I walk to the fridge and get a fresh bottle of cneqjqn, open it and serve it in a plastic vase. Then I pick up my antidepressants and take out a sheet and push out a pill. I put it in my mouth and then help swallowing it with my drink.*
*Ky head is starting to mhurt but i shoild take more if i want more effects.*
*I did thsi other 3 times hopefukly this will help me now.*
*My visionnis getting brighter, tis is soo gross...when I try to get my sandwich It's like the plate is 20 miles away from my hand. And when I blink...he's here again.*