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One day, Captain America was bald for some reason.
“Why the hecking heck are you bald, Cap?” Tony Stark asked. “Are you ill?”
Cap just walked away without saying anything.
“Weirdo,” Tony said.
Thor entered the room.
“Hey, you have lots of hair,” said Tony.
“Yeah? So what?” Thor asked.
“Well, Cap has no hair for some reason,” said Tony. “I think that you should give some of your hair to him.”
“NO!” Thor said. “It’s my hair and I spent a long time growing it. Why should I give it away?”
“Because it’s almost Christmas!” Tony said. “That’s the season of giving!”
“Christmas?” Thor said. “I don’t celebrate that nonsense holiday!”
“Aw… why not? Even I do!” said Tony. “Mostly to buy presents that show off how rich I am…”
“If it’s not a holiday about me, I won’t celebrate it!” Thor said, angrily stomping away.
“Wow! What a narcissist!” Tony said.
Pepper Potts noticed that Thor was looking upset and asked him what was wrong.
“Man of Metal wants me to give my hair to Man of Spangled Stars,” Thor said.
“What? Why? That’s so ridiculous!” Pepper said.
“He said that it’s only fair because I have a lot of hair, and Cap is bald!” Thor said.
“Wait, Cap’s BALD?!” Pepper asked.
Thor nodded.
“I’ve got to see this!” Pepper said. She giggled and ran away, but never found Cap.
Thor sighed. “Doesn’t anybody care about me?”
“Hey, Thor!” Cap said, entering the room. He was still bald.
Thor looked at Cap and began giggling.
“I’m about to go chop some firewood; do you want to come?” Cap asked.
Thor continued giggling.
“Hey! What’s so funny? Quit laughing!” Cap said.
“It’s your bald head! Ha, ha, ha!” Thor laughed so hard that he cried.
Cap sighed impatiently. “So… you don’t want to chop firewood with me?”
“No, I do,” Thor said, wiping his tears away. “Let’s go!”
While Thor and Cap were chopping firewood, Jean Grey was jogging outside.
“Hey, isn’t that the lady who always hurts herself in stupid ways?” Thor asked.
“I think so!” said Cap. “I will be praying for her!”
Jean tripped over a tree stump and started screaming.
“OW! OW! OW!” she said.
“Oops!” Thor said. “I guess you didn’t pray quickly enough!”
Cap ran over. “Are you okay?”
“No! I can’t go on anymore!” Jean cried.
“Oh, shoot! Should I call an ambulance?” Cap asked.
“Yes, please! I can’t get up!” Jean said, crying harder.
Cap used his flip phone to call an ambulance for Jean.
“I hope she gets better soon. It must suck to be injured so close to Christmas!” Cap said, after Jean was gone.
When Professor X found out that Jean had been injured, he got onto a bus and went to go collect her.
Meanwhile, Pepper was talking to Tony.
“Why do you want Cap to have Thor’s hair so badly, anyways?” Pepper asked. “I thought you hated him.”
“I do! And he looks really dumb with no hair! It makes me want to punch him!” Tony said.
“But don’t you think that he’d look even dumber with Thor’s hair?” Pepper asked.
“Oh, yeah. You’re probably right,” said Tony.
Professor X entered the forest where Cap and Thor were chopping firewood.
“Have either of you two seen Jean?” he asked.
“The ginger lady?” Thor asked.
“Yes! Her!” said Professor X. “I heard that she was injured at this location!”
“She was, and we called an ambulance. Jean is gone now,” said Cap.
Professor X got angry.
“What’s wrong? We probably saved her life!” Cap said.
“YOU’RE BALD!” Professor X screamed. “You must have shaved your head to make fun of me!”
“What? NO! Don’t be silly! I’ve never even met you!” Cap said.
“I’m going to fight you,” said Professor X.
“Agh! No!” Cap said, running away.
Cap went back into the Avengers Tower to protect himself.
“Hey, Steve. What’s wrong?” Pepper asked.
“There was some other bald man outside, and he tried to fight me!” Cap cried.
“Well, why didn’t you fight back? You’re a strong, tough, man!” Pepper said. “Unless you’re sick or something?”
“Yes! I mean, no! I mean… I don’t want to talk about that, okay?” Cap said.
“Oh, okay,” said Pepper. “Did you chop that firewood yet?”
“I’ll finish it later, okay?” Cap asked.
“Okay,” said Pepper. “You must be really sick if you didn’t finish your job!”
“No! I’m fine!” said Cap.
“My motherly instincts are kicking in, and they’re telling me that you’re sick!” said Pepper. “You need to go to The Sick Room!”
The Sick Room was a room that the Avengers had in their tower for some reason, but they rarely used it because they were superheroes and real superheroes didn’t get sick.
“No! No! No!” Cap said as Pepper dragged him away.
“Teehee!” Pepper said. “I knew you wouldn’t fight against a pregnant lady!”
Professor X got onto another bus and made it the hospital where Jean was.
“Jean! How are you?” he asked.
“I'm dying! The doctor said that I probably won’t make it to Christmas!” Jean cried.
“Oh?” Professor X said. “Well, in that case, I will give your Christmas present to you early!”
“Thank you…” Jean said, accepting the gift and opening it. Inside, was a copy of The Emoji Movie!
“Merry Christmas, Jean. Get well soon!” Professor X said, leaving the room.
“NOOOOO!!” Jean cried harder.
Later that day, Jean was sent home from the hospital with crutches.
Professor X went to a Christmas tree farm and picked out a tree. Unfortunately, Hank Pym was there (for some reason), and he had his eyes set on the same tree.
“No, that’s mine!” Professor X said.
“But I got here first!” Hank whined.
“So what, HANK?!” Professor X said.
“AGH! How do you know my name?” Hank said, backing up nervously.
“I just do,” said Professor X.
Hank screamed and ran away.
“Ugh! I can’t stay in The Sick Room any longer!” Cap said, getting up. “I have Christmas caroling to do!”
“And just where do you think you’re going?” Pepper asked, standing pregnantly.
“Christmas caroling! Please let me go! It’s important!” said Cap.
“No! You’re still sick! Go back to bed!” Pepper said.
“No, I don’t think I will,” said Cap, shoving Pepper out of the way and running as fast as he could.
In the kitchen, Star-Lord was stealing some cookies.
“Yum, yum!” he said.
“Star-Lord, are you stealing cookies?” Cap asked.
“Yep!” Star-Lord said. “I love cookies, and I love stealing!”
“That’s terrible,” said Cap. “I hope that you get bit by a rabid trash panda and die.”
He left the building and started wandering around aimlessly through the streets.
Then, he noticed that Loki was lying on the side of the road.
Loki had a beard for some reason. Because of this, Cap didn’t recognize him.
“Oh, no!” Cap said. “This poor man looks hurt! I must go help him!”
Loki coughed like a dying person.
“Sir, are you okay?” Cap asked.
“No!” Loki whined. “A big meanie beat me up for no reason!”
He coughed harder.
“Oh, no!” Cap said again. “I know that cough! You’re dying!”
“Indeed,” Loki said. “I don’t think that I’ll make it to Christmas…”
“Sure you will!” Cap said. “You just need somebody to take care of you! I’ll take you back to my place!”
“Thank you…” Loki said. “that would be nice…”
Back at the Avengers Tower, Tony was looking through old Christmas pictures.
“You know what, Pepper?” he asked. “Thor isn’t in any of these pictures. I guess he’s never stayed around for Christmas!”
“That’s because he hates it!” Pepper said.
“Because he thinks he’s a god!” Cap said, carrying Loki into the room.
“That’s because I am!” Thor said. Then, he saw Loki and swore in Asgardian.
“Wow! He looks really hurt!” Pepper said. “I think he deserves The Sick Room more than you, Steve!”
“Stupid Loki,” Thor said. “I’m going to kill that little turd.”
“Don’t be silly; this isn’t Loki!” Cap said. “Loki doesn’t have a beard!”
“And Captain America doesn’t have a bald head, yet here we are,” said Thor.
Cap rolled his eyes and went to put Loki into The Sick Room.
“Hey, now! Let’s all calm down and play a little game!” Pepper said.
“Ooh ! Is it an archery game?” Hawkeye asked.
“No,” said Pepper. “We’re all going to sit around in a circle and talk about what we want for Christmas.”
“NO!! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!” Thor cried, throwing a tantrum.
“Ooh! I love this game!” Cap said, dropping Loki and running back into the room.
“I HATE YOU!!!” Thor yelled, banging his head against the floor until he lost consciousness.
“I’ll go first!” Cap said. “For Christmas, I want all of my friends to accept Jesus into their hearts!”
“Ugh, that’s disgusting!” Tony said. “All I want for Christmas is a lifetime supply of beer!”
“I just want to have a happy, healthy baby!” Pepper said.
“Ew!” Tony said. “You’re not going to have that baby soon, are you?”
“Uh…. I don’t know,” Pepper said. “Natasha, what do you want for Christmas?”
“Chicken breasts,” Natasha said.
“Uh… okay, then,” said Pepper. ‘What about you, Hawkeye?”
“Doggie!” Hawkeye said.
At that moment, a big black dog wandered into the room.
“AHHH!” Pepper screamed. “Who let that thing in here?”
“Hello! Do I get to make a wish?” the dog spoke. It had a smooth, deep voice with a British accent.
“GET OUT OF HERE. NOW!” Pepper said.
“Y’know, I’ve always wanted to have hands. It would be nice to have opposable thumbs,” the dog said.
“New shoes…. Or new trousers….” Bruce Banner mumbled to himself.
“This game is over, Bruce,” said Pepper. “The dog ruined it.”
That evening, Scott Lang called the Avengers and asked if he could bring his daughter to the party on Christmas Eve.
“Yeah, sure, okay, whatever,” said Tony.
“Ooh! Can I bring Bucky to the party?” Cap asked.
“Your communist friend? Heck, no!” Tony said.
“Oh. Okay,” said Cap, proceeding to invite Bucky anyways.
Christmas Eve finally came and Bucky showed up!
“Hey, Steve! I’m here!” Bucky said.
“NOOO!!!” Tony said. “Steve, I told you not to invite that stupid communist!”
“I know, but this is important,” said Cap. “I'm hoping to teach him about Jesus tonight.”
“Why?” Tony snapped. “Because you’re dying, and this is your last chance?”
“Oh, he’s dying?” Bucky asked. “Is that why he’s bald?”
“What? No! I'm not dying!” Cap said.
“Hey, boys!” Pepper said. “Why don’t we calm down and go to the kitchen to bake some Christmas cookies?”
“Okay… as long as they can be equally distributed among all of us!” Bucky said.
“NO! NO! I DON’T WANT YOUR DISGUSTING COOKIES OF CHRISTMAS! ONLY REGULAR COOKIES!” Thor shouted.
“Ooh, cookies? Are they for Santa?” Scott’s daughter asked.
Scott stood in front of her protectively. “No, Cassie! Stay away from the communist!”
“Maybe you two should go hang out with Peter,” said Tony. “Maybe you can catch Santa leaving some presents out.”
“Okay,” said Cassie, and she went off to go find Peter.
Star-Lord was digging through the trash when Cassie approached him.
“Sir, are you Peter?” she asked.
“Nope! I'm Star-Lord!” Star-Lord said.
“Okay,” said Cassie. “Why are you digging through the trash?”
“To find a gift for a trash panda,” said Star-Lord. “Peter is over there.”
The next day, it was Christmas. An Australian man was standing near the tree, playing Christmas songs on a saxophone.
“OW! STOP MAKING THAT AWFUL NOISE!” Thor shouted, throwing a chunk of coal at him.
The saxophone man kept playing as if nothing had happened.
“Quit abusing The Saxophone Man!” said Tony. “I hired him to play Christmas songs for us today!”
The Saxophone Man briefly stopped playing. “Not just Christmas songs! Christmas carols!”
“Well, you shouldn’t have,” said Thor. “I hate carols!”
Carol Danvers, who had been silently standing in the room this whole time, cried a single tear.
There were a lot of presents under the tree, including some that were addressed to Thor!
“But why?” Thor asked. “I’ve been a bad boy!”
Thor reluctantly opened the presents, which all contained hygiene items like soap and deodorant.
“Merry Christmas, Thor! You stink!” Cap said. “Ha, ha, ha!”
Thor ran away crying and went back to Asgard.
“Daddy! I’m home!” he said.
“Good,” said Odin. “You’re in trouble for celebrating a Midgardian holiday.”
“NOOOOO!” Thor said.
Later that day, Cap went to go see if Thor wanted some Christmas dinner.
But Thor was gone. All that was left was a plastic bag with Cap’s name written on it.
“Ooh, must be a present for me!” Cap said, tearing the bag open.
Inside was a bunch of long, blonde, hair.
“Aw… he gave me his hair!” Cap said.
It was a very merry Bald Cap Christmas.
The End!