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Jay was laying on his back staring up at the dull motel ceiling. He had lost track of how long he had been trying to sleep for at this point but he knew it had to have been several hours at least. Tim had fallen asleep a while ago by now, and his steady breathing was the only sound filling the cramped room.
Jay considered forfeiting his attempts at sleep all together and getting out his laptop to edit some more footage. The only reason he didn’t was because he was worried he’s wake Tim up and he knew sleep didn’t come easy to him either. Jay rolled onto his side facing the far side of the room where his camera was set up and where Tim was. Jay was reassured by the blinking red light that indicated the camera was still recording. Setting up the camera to record overnight had been a point of contention between Tim and Jay in the past, but as they got closer and grew to understand each other more, Tim didn’t mind anymore.
Jay stared unashamedly at Tim for a while since he had nothing else to do. Tim was also laying on his side in his own bed facing Jay’s direction. While it was dark in their room, Jay could still make out Tim’s features across the small bedside table that separated them. At night was the only time Jay ever saw Tim’s face relax and he looked almost calm as he slept. His brows weren’t furrowed and his lips weren’t pulled into a near constant frown like they were when he was awake. Jay knew that as soon as he woke up, all the worry and fear would come flooding back into him. Part of Jay wanted to forget this whole thing and flee the state with Tim so they could both heal and maybe make something of themselves. As socially inept as Jay thought he was, he couldn’t have been imagining everything that was between them. He couldn’t have been imagining their lingering glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking, how every time their hands brushed on accident it sent shivers down Jay’s spine. How whenever they had a particularly bad encounter with Alex or The Operator Jay just wanted to pull Tim into his arms and never let go. He couldn’t do that to Jessica though. Couldn’t just leave her without knowing where she is or if she’s even okay. Couldn’t bring himself to do that to Alex either, really. Deep down inside him, he thought there was still a way to save Alex. Still a way to save his best friend who he used to look up to, even if he was a bit pretentious.
Jay was ripped from his thoughts at the sound of Tim abruptly rolling over in his sleep. He muttered something under his breath that Jay couldn’t quite make out before going silent again. Tim wasn’t the type of person to talk in his sleep but whenever he did, it normally meant he was having a nightmare. Jay stayed still for moment, waiting to see if Tim stirred any more. Just as Jay was about to move on and assume it was a one time thing, Tim stirred again, rolling onto his back and tossing the covers off his arms. His head rolled around on his pillow as he mumbled to himself. Jay sat up at this point, not looking away from Tim, preparing to get out of bed to wake Tim up as the other man curled up on his side and failed to stifle a sob. Jay was up now, crossing the short distance between his bed and Tim’s. Tim continued to toss and turn as he did so, and as Jay placed on hand on Tim’s shoulder to try and wake him up, Tim yelped and lashed out at Jay’s hand in his sleep. Jay retracted his hand immediately, not entirely sure what to do. Normally, Jay could fairly easily wake Tim up from his nightmare, it was the aftermath that was a bigger issue.
“Tim?” Jay said at a volume he hoped would wake Tim up. Of course he couldn’t be that lucky.
“No. No get away,” Tim whimpered in response. Jay had never heard him sound like that before.
Jay sat on the edge of the bed, hoping he could slowly get closer to Tim without him lashing out again. Or at least that was the plan until Tim started to cry. He curled in on himself more than Jay thought was even possible, digging his nails into his arms. In that moment Jay decided it was more important to wake Tim up than it was to ease his way into it.
“Tim. Tim wake up,” Jay said shaking him by the shoulder lightly. Tim flinched and started begging, pleading, for whatever he was experiencing to stop. Tim was starting to scratch at his arms now and Jay had to wake him up before he caused actual harm to himself.
“Tim!” Jay borderline shouted, shaking Tim harder now. Tim’s bloodshot eyes flew open and he backed as far away from Jay as he could without getting off the bed. He was hyperventilating now and tears wouldn’t stop pouring from his eyes as he sobbed. Tim had always reacted badly to nightmares once Jay woke him up, but never to this extent.
“Stay away. Get away from me,” Tim said, his voice shaking and barely even a whisper, as if he was scared to even talk.
“Tim? It’s me. It’s Jay. I’m not going to hurt you,” Jay responded, as softly as he could.
Tim just shook his head desperately, squeezing his eyes tight, his nails still digging into his arms. Jay’s heart clenched at the sight, it was almost like he was trying to escape from his own skin.
“Tim I need you to listen to me, okay? It’s me, it’s Jay, we’re in a motel right now and it’s the middle of the night. You just had a nightmare and I woke you up. We’re both sitting on your bed right now and we’re here because of Alex and Marble Hornets and because we wanted to figure out what was going on. You’re okay, you’re here with me.” Jay wasn’t really sure what he was saying, he was just trying to ground Tim in any way he could.
“...Jay?” Tim asked, his voice broken.
“Mhm. I’m right here. Can I touch you?” Jay asked, reaching out to settle his hands on Tim’s, but stopping just before he made contact.
Tim nodded and Jay gently pried the other man’s hands off from his arms, cringing a bit at how red his skin was. He set one of Tim’s hands down and thought for a minute before reaching up to place his palm on Tim’s cheek. Tim’s breath hitched for a moment as he looked at Jay with wide, terrified, eyes.
“Is this okay?” Jay asked, not wanting to cause the man to spiral again.
Tim nodded and Jay gently cupped his face in his hand. Tim leaned into the touch, stifling another sob.
“It’s okay. I’m here. You can cry if you need to, it’s okay,” Jay said, gently running his thumb over Tim’s cheek. A cry escaped Tim’s lips before he surged forward and enveloped Jay in a hug. Jay was surprised at first, not expecting Tim to initiate contact, but quickly wrapped his arms around the other man’s back.
Jay rubbed circled on his back as he cried, whispering to him as he did so.
“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Jay said as Tim grabbed fistfuls of the back of Jay’s shirt in his hands. They stayed like that for what could’ve been minutes or hours as Jay continued to reassure Tim as best as he could. Tim didn’t say anything until his sobs started to calm down.
“Jay, tell me this is real. Tell me you’re real.”
“I’m real, this is real. Do you feel that?” Jay asked as he began to trace shapes onto Tim’s back, “I’m drawing a triangle on your back, can you focus on that? We’re both here, in our motel, in your bed. We drove for five hours yesterday before we arrived here, we were both pretty surprised at how nice this motel was compared to the other ones we’ve been to. You always choose to sleep closer to the door, I always set up the camera before we go to bed, you always force me to go to sleep the same time you do. We’re here, together, and I promise you, this is real.”
That seemed to help some as Tim was shaking less violently now. Jay continued to trace shapes with his fingers onto Tim’s shirt.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Jay asked hesitantly.
“I just… It was like I was back there, in that fucking hospital again. They-” Tim cut himself off, inhaling sharply.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Jay said, pulling away from Tim for a second, but not fully letting go of him. “Can I look at your arms quick? You were clawing at them before I just want to make sure they aren’t bleeding.
Tim nodded and pulled back for Jay a bit more, placing his arms in front of him. They weren’t bleeding but they were red and Jay could see certain spots where his skin got spotty and appeared to be bleeding internally. Jay hovered his hand over those parts, silently asking if he could touch them. Tim nodded and Jay gently ran his fingers down Tim’s arm noticing that his skin felt warmer than usual.
“Does that hurt?”
Tim shook his head, “I mean, it doesn’t feel good but you aren’t hurting me, no. It just feels itchy and kind of warm. I’ve done this to myself before a few times, but normally it’s worse than this. Thank you for waking me up.”
Jay hummed in response. “Is there any way you normally take care of it when this happens?”
“Sometimes I’ll run it under cold water. It feels nice and it’s grounding in a way. Sometimes I just ignore it though if I don’t have the energy to deal with it.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back then, I promise, stay here,” Jay said, slowly getting up from the bed. Tim made no objections, but he did hold himself a little tighter.
Jay walked over to the small bathroom across the room and grabbed a small wash cloth from one of the sink drawers. He turned on the faucet, testing the water with his finger to make sure it was cold, and ran the wash cloth under it for a few seconds. Squeezing out some of the excess water, Jay turned the sink off and made his way back over to Tim, whose eyes followed Jay’s movement as he sat back down.
“What’s that for?” Tim asked, no hint of judgment in his voice, just genuine confusion.
“Well you said cold water helps so I thought maybe just wiping down your skin a bit might help cool it off.”
“Jay you don’t have to-”
“I know. But I want to,” Jay said cutting him off, “let me help you. Please?”
Tim looked into Jay’s eyes for a moment, something in his eyes that Jay categorized as fondness before he could think better of it. Tim shifted and held out his arms to Jay again and Jay gently took one and started to run the cool cloth along the red skin. It was mostly the back of his forearm and a bit of his upper arm that was irritated. Tim sighed a bit, his body finally relaxing a bit.
“I felt like I was back in the hospital and everything that had happened up until now wasn’t even real. Like it was some sort of dream. The nurses… they prodded me, and tested me, over and over and over again. I don’t think that place knew the meaning of the word gentle. They would stick you full of needles, try tons of different medications, and then act like you’re the problem when their stupid treatments don’t work. They wouldn’t listen to you when you tell them you’re at your limit with tests, or you just want to go to bed. They’d look at you like you were broken and irredeemable. And when you’re screaming and clawing at the walls in the middle of the night, the other patients don’t like you either. I was so, so, alone there.” Tim’s voice cracked. Jay didn’t dare say anything, he just continued to softly run the cloth up and down Tim’s arms in a way he hoped was soothing. “They kept me separated most of the time too. Didn’t want the paranoid schizophrenic fucking with their other patients, not that they were doing any better,” he said with a bitter laugh. “And I don’t even know what caused this nightmare. Normally they’re triggered by something but we haven’t been back to that place in days now and it’s not like this motel is anything like it. Part of me wonders if maybe they were right to treat me that way. Maybe I don’t deserve gentleness, maybe I-”
“Hey,” Jay said interrupting now. “Don’t. You deserve to be treated just like everyone else. You were just a kid.”
“How can you be so sure? If I really am the reason why all this is happening to us then-”
“Tim look at me,” Jay said, placing his free hand on Tim’s face again, guiding his head up to meet Jay’s line of sight. “We don’t know you’re the source, and even if you were, that doesn’t mean you deserved to be treated as if you were a monster or something to be ashamed of. I need you to believe that. Or at least believe that I believe that.”
Some time during their conversation, Tim’s eye’s had started to well up with tears again.
“Why are you doing all this for me?” Tim asked quietly.
“Because I care about you,” Jay responded without missing a beat. “And because we’re in this together and we can get through it together.”
Tim didn’t look like he fully believed Jay, but he nodded and smile ever so slightly and that was enough.
“Do you want to try going back to sleep?” Jay asked, setting the now room temperature wash cloth on the bedside table.
“Probably should…” Tim said, though he made no effort to actually lay down.
“Okay, goodnight Tim,” Jay said, gently pulling his hand from Tim’s face as he moved to stand up.
“Wait,” Tim said, grabbing Jay’s hand. “Stay?” he asked, sounding unsure of himself.
“Of course,” Jay replied, settling back down on the bed and laying beside Tim. Tim rested his head on Jay’s chest as Jay wrapped his arms around Tim’s back, holding him close. Their legs were tangled together under the covers and it was the most comfortable and safe Jay had felt in months.
Together, they drifted off into sleep, thankful that no nightmares invaded their minds for the rest of the night.