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Well. Juniper enjoyed that more than he thought he did.
It was a bright sunny day, perfect for a nap in the sun or a nap in the cabin or a nap in the utilities shed that nobody but Soren ever dug around in. Today, though, Juniper’s eyes were firmly open and for the last three hours, fresh air had been a memory of the past, replaced with the stink of fish and penguin and below that, the delightful cologne that Rowan was wearing.
The penguins had accepted their offering with only a little hostility and now here they were, finally coming back out into the light of day. Juniper was rubbing his neck, which had gotten only one warning feather lodged in it before he had managed to escape. Rowan assured him this was normal. He had also been trying to hide a laugh at the same time, so Juniper was unsure whether to feel comforted or offended. He settled with a sort of atypical beating sensation in his heart.
“Success!”
“For another two weeks, at least.” Rowan said, tossing the empty fish sacks into the corner of the lavatory where they would stay, waiting for Juno and Mila to fill them. Nice chaps, those two. By far the scaliest people Juniper had ever met, and that was a compliment.
“And now, on to whatever dimensionally wacky activities we have planned for today.”
Rowan laughed. “Yep. Wonder how the kids are getting on without us.”
Juniper thought. “That little chap, Natsume, he’s probably taking part in another highly patriotic revolt. Or possibly has actually gotten away with murder this time! Kids will be kids, I suppose.”
Rowan paused before he opened the lavatory door. “Hey, today was… fun.” He turned back, soft eyes reflecting the entire universe caught within them. “It was nice having company.”
Juniper nodded, running a hand through the tuft of hair he knew always stuck up in the front of his head, the one he never much cared about before this. “I must admit, I didn’t think it would be so pleasant. I mean.” He shrugged, looking to the side. “There was a lot of walking and carrying that heavy bag. But. Talking with you did brighten it a good bit.”
Rowan grinned, an easy grin that Juniper realized he hadn’t seen before today. Like the weight of the world had just been lifted off of his shoulders and he was taking the first deep breath in centuries. Juniper was struck by a strange longing to see it again, and again, to maybe tattoo the image of that smile inside of his eyelids so he saw it every time he closed his eyes.
Rowan turned the handle of the door and opened it to a beautiful orange sky.
Juniper was half a dozen strides out before he realized Rowan had dropped to his knees.
“Rowan?? Chap? What’s wrong?”
Rowan’s smile seemed as distant as the sun orbiting them now. One of his hands was planted on the stalks of grass and the other was held against his head like he was trying to hold his face together. His breath was coming in gasps, each breath held for only a second before sucking in another lungful of air. His eyes, wide and visibly seeing in more than three dimensions, were still reflecting the entire universe but were no longer soft, were no longer his.
“Rowan!” Juniper heard his voice come out a good deal more panicked than he was used to.
“Fuck.” Rowan managed to sit back. Juniper’s hands were quivering and shaking, fluttering around because what did he even do?
Obviously they had all seen Rowan and his omens of doom and his anxiety and his panic attacks. Usually there was someone else and they knew what to do and Juniper was very free to go back to his cabin or whatever he was doing before.
“I’ll- I’ll go find Sydney. Sit tight.” Juniper didn’t move.
“Sorry.” Rowan said. “I can.” He crawled back, eyes still wide open but not focused on anything. His words were frantic and small and terrified, sounding like pins and needles in Juniper’s ears. “I don’t need.” Rowan’s nails were tearing up clumps of grass. “Help.”
That was an out if Juniper had ever heard one. He could go back to camp, find Sydney. This happened all the time, didn’t it? Sydney or- he didn’t know, Marisol maybe? She seemed like she’d be better equipped for this, always knowing what to say like she did. Jedidiah? He was grasping at straws and he knew deep down in his heart that he would ‘forget’ anyways. He was a slacker and he was lazy as hell and that’s what he did. How could he be expected to help someone?
Actions, not words.
Juniper lurched forwards as if somebody had pushed him, as if he had pushed himself and just now his body was kicking into action. He had no muscle memory to guide him. How did he comfort someone? What was comforting?
“What can I do?” He asked aloud, not knowing even where to start.
Rowan inhaled again, stuttering, not getting enough air in. Juniper felt his heart squeeze in empathy. Something in him begged him to run, some disgustingly awful part of him that made the rest of him shrivel up and die inside.
Juniper had learned to break down very quietly, had learned to type very slowly on a calculator so his fingers shaking wouldn’t mess up the calculations, had learned to breathe so quietly that he could hear footsteps on the stairs and a hand on the handle and of course he always had a handkerchief. Seasonal allergies, his dad would tell his work friends whenever one of them caught him sobbing and struggling to breathe.
Juniper had learned to jimmy the lock on his window ever so quietly and sneak out very quietly and stop caring quietly too. Stop when the stress got too much. Muscle memory. He was an expert at it, actually, a skill he had mastered thoroughly, one of the only skills he could call his own. If nothing in his life mattered, what was there to worry about?
Rowan mattered. It was a floodgate of a realization that made him nauseated with fear and butterflies and that erratic tap tap tap of his heart.
Rowan hadn’t answered, Juniper hadn’t moved, how long had it been? It all felt sorely wrong, like the passing of time didn’t mean much anymore and Juniper wasn’t used to caring so much it overtook him and gathered in a lump in his throat and a quiver in his hands.
“It watches and it waits for us.” Rowan’s words startled Juniper so hard that he visibly flinched back. “It stands at the edge of the lake and it buzzes with love and all the while they watch, they are so merciful, something is sorely wrong with them and it is coming back and the fire is going to rage what are dreams what are nightmares I see it in my nightmares I see the buzzing I see the way the flames lick the sky what have we done what have we done what have we done what-”
The words are spilling out of him, Rowan looks horrified that he’s speaking, or maybe just horrified in general and the speaking is a side effect.
“Stop- Rowan can you- take a deep breath will you? Stop the talking, it’s not helping. Rowan? Old pal?”
Rowan was digging his nails behind his ears. Each one was ragged and bitten and Juniper could see bits of blood welling up where he drew them across his neck and down to his shoulders.
Without thinking, Juniper reached forwards, took his hands, holding them tightly in his own.
“-will stand on the pyre he will be so merciful and we will dance and cry and they will watch us and their clipboards will drip with blood and he offers and apple and chews on his neck until it bleeds out and smiles and the rivers of blood will wash us away like the tides and how we will smile and pray for death and-”
“Is this okay? Rowan? Rowan. Talk to me.”
His volume only grew, more frantic, higher pitch, gasping more air in than he could possibly exhale again.
“-WHEN WE DANCE IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND WE WILL BURN AND ROT IN HELL AND THE SKY WILL ONLY WATCH AND THE RAINDROPS WILL FALL AND HIT OUR FACES AND YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU CANNOT SEE THE WHITE RABBIT CREEPING BEHIND-”
Juniper leaned forwards, pressing the bridge of his nose into Rowan’s neck and wrapping his arms around him. “It’s okay, it’s alright, let it out.” He was fucking this comforting thing up horribly, he knew it, he knew because Rowan was still shaking and tears were running from his eyes as he spoke.
Rowan’s hands moved to clutch at the back of Juniper’s shirt, encircling him tightly in another hug and maybe Juniper had spoken too soon.
Words continued to flow out of Rowan, speaking of fire and brimstone and floodwater and buzzing and smiling and clocks and trains. Juniper didn’t pay much heed to them, rocking themgently side to side as the bright orange sky faded to a marbled peach hue.
Eventually Rowan stopped. Juniper was almost asleep but he opened his eyes as words turned to more frantic gasps turned to sobs turned to a clear attempt at deep breathing turned to a numb, quivering silence.
“Shit.” Rowan exhaled, breaking the quivering silence.
“Are you…” obviously not okay. “Good?”
“Yeah.” Rowan made no move to move and so neither did Juniper, not for a while at least.
“Was that…” Juniper’s voice cracked like it hadn’t done since puberty. “Is that every day?”
“Pretty much.” Rowan started to pull away and then so did Juniper, disentangling from an awkward sitting down hug slash holding on for dear life.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry.”
They both looked at each other in confusion. Rowan had moved his dreadlocks to sit directly in front of his eyes like Juniper had seen him do from a distance before. The orange reflected off of them, bouncing in glowing halos.
“Don’t be sorry, mate, you can’t help it.” Juniper said, wiping his own forehead with the back of his hand.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Rowan said at the same time. “Thank you.”
Another pause, this one a little less confused and a little more comfortable.
Rowan shifted, one foot on the ground, the other knee on the ground. He tried to shakily stand up. It took a second for him to remember how, but Juniper offered his hand and Rowan hesitated before taking it.
“I’m sorry you had to see it, mostly.” Rowan said, looking down, voice sounding raw and tough like he had just chugged gasoline. “They’re not usually… that bad.”
“How do you mean?”
“Like. It’s when I get out of the tunnels, mostly. It hits. I… forgot about that this time.” Rowan rubbed his head and nearly crumpled back down, but caught himself.
Juniper, despite being exceedingly bad at mathematical calculations, could do mental ones.
“So every week you went down alone.” Juniper trailed off, a curious feeling bubbled in the pit of his stomach. Like longing for a different past, anger at himself. By the Queen, was he guilty? Was that this terrible feeling?
“It’s alright. I can usually handle it.” Rowan looked back at the grounds, walking a few steps. “ ’Cept I forgot to bring myfucking umbrella apparently.” He scrubbed at his eyes again. Juniper walked to stand directly in front of him.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine dude.”
“No, chap, like. Truly sorry.” Juniper rubbed the back of his neck to give his fluttering hands something to do. “For not coming down with you sooner. It was stupid and lazy and I wish I had.”
Juniper couldn’t look directly at him. This apologizing thing was so new. Would it ever come easy? Would it ever come from the heart instead of from this pit in his stomach?
“Thank you.” Rowan said. Juniper looked back at him. He saw a tiny smile through the hair covering his face, not the same smile as before, but not necessarily a lesser one.
“And from now on, I promise-”
“Hey. Actions, not words.”
He’d never uphold any promises anyways. Except that he did today. Except that today his legs hurt from walking and tear tracks trailed down his cheeks and he smelled like fish and he was so so glad he had dragged himself out of bed for this.
Maybe in time he could uphold promises, learn how to and practice until it overwhelmed the compulsion to run. Maybe it could become muscle memory.
Juniper nodded. “Yes, quite right.”