Work Text:
“To the cutest person in the world.”
For once, Mizuki felt decent about themself. They felt like they belonged in their own body, something that used to seem impossible when they were younger. The significant change in their appearance— going from short hair to long hair, wearing make-up freely, and dressing up all cutesy made them feel like they were finally who they were meant to be.
This tranquility was short-lived, though. The moment they stepped outside, it felt like something was wrong.
…
Passing familiar faces was horrific. They swore they could feel their eyes on them and as much as they tried to convince themself that it was in their head, it all felt too real.
Soon, it felt like everyone was staring at them, examining their appearance from head to toe. Did they notice? The way their body was more broad than the others? Or maybe the fact that these clothes weren’t meant for them. They were too cute and Mizuki was too weird.
When seeing their extended family, the conversation starters were always their appearance.
“Your outfits are so adorable!", “Where’d you get all of these cute accessories from?”, “Mizuki, you look so different!”
From happily conversing about their new look, then watching their family laugh together, away from them— it was hard to get rid of the idea that they were laughing at them. Now, the feeling of sticking out was more prominent.
It was something that kept them up at night. While everyone was asleep, they’d stand in front of their mirror and point out all the flaws they could see.
Their shoulders were too wide, they weren’t slim enough, they weren’t cute enough. Realistically, none of these problems were things they were able to fix themself— but it felt like something had to change. Anything.
Maybe they could just cut themself into shape, like carving a design onto a pumpkin! The thought of doing that to themself, as ridiculous as it sounded, felt way too appealing to them. Not only the idea of fixing themself, but carving as well. There were more things they could do! If they stopped eating, maybe then they’d also be able to slim down more.
Slowly, the thoughts drifted from “self improvement” to more… drastic ideas. What was originally supposed to be fixing themself, now was just the satisfaction of imagining themself suffering.
From merely skipping their usual treats to stabbing themself until they couldn’t feel anymore, the thoughts gave them an odd sense of contentment. Yet, despite the comfort these fantasies gave, it also made them feel more like a freak. What kind of person finds ease in something like this? Not a sane one, that’s for sure.
…
Mizuki envied the feeling of normalcy. Everyday, they wished they could wake up and not have the curse of these terrorizing thoughts. Not a single day did that desperate wish come true.
Eventually, going on with their daily routine felt like hell. No matter what they did, whether it was something as simple as brushing their teeth or as complicated as modifying some clothes they had— every thought would resort back to the torment of themself.
Even school wasn’t distracting them. Though, to be fair, when had school ever served as a place that provided them with happy thoughts? Being surrounded by the other students, hearing their not-so-quiet whispers as they walked past— things only got significantly worse. Against their better judgement, the rooftop was still their place of choice when skipping classes. Those thoughts went how you’d think they would.
“Jump.” The voice in their head would say. In contrast to how wild that thought was, the voice that said it was so soothing.
“Jump.” It’d whisper. It sounded so certain, like it knew that this was the best option for them.
“Jump.” Again. “Jump.” Again. “Jump.” Again and again and again. They couldn’t make it stop.
Over the course of the week, Mizuki went from skipping classes to skipping school altogether. They’d stay home and make attempts to distract themself, but it all proved futile. When editing, they imagined themself in the position of the main focus— being brutally harmed by anyone or anything around them. When sewing new clothes, they wanted to stab the needle into their hand. Or anywhere, really. As long as it hurts.
It didn’t take long for them to stop getting out of bed entirely. Their parents started leaving things outside of their bedroom door as an attempt to coax them out of their bedroom. Instead, it made them feel stuck. How were they supposed to face their parents like this? Explain how they’ve been feeling without sounding absolutely insane.
It felt like the end to everything. They were too far gone to be fixed and they’ve come to accept that. Now, they stay in their room waiting until their faithful end finally arrives. They used to wish they’d wake up and be ordinary, now they wish they wouldn’t wake up at all. This is as normal as Mizuki’s feelings would become.