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Ena was envious of those who were noticed.
Hearing the praise towards her classmates often left her with a strong sense of jealousy. Seeing people on social media go viral while she got 10 likes maximum made her question her reason.
Nobody sees her. Not when she’s trying her hardest, not when she’s so close to breaking down. She feels overlooked. That’s why she has to do something to get everyone’s attention. Something drastic. There were many options, but one seemed to stick out to her the most.
She could stаrvе hеrsеlf.
Depriving herself of necessities just to be noticed by the people around her… Honestly, the thought of it made Ena feel like an attention-seeker. Maybe it was a stupid idea, maybe it was selfish, yet it was so appealing. This felt like the only way to do it. Maybe, just maybe, she’d finally get the attention she craves so much.
So, after she ate dinner that day, she vowed to not eat anything else until she got the attention of someone.
The first day was just like any other day.
Wake up, brush teeth, change clothes, head out to classes. It was all too easy. The feeling of hunger was easily suppressed by a few sips of water, nothing worth noticing yet.
The second day, it got harder to ignore.
Her stomach would growl more often and she felt the slightest bit nauseous. Water helped, but it took a lot more than it did yesterday. This meant she took more trips to the bathroom than usual. As annoying as it was, it made her happy. Someone is bound to notice, right? Maybe it wouldn’t take much longer, maybe someone would approach her and ask her if she’s okay.
As she entered the bathroom for what felt like the hundredth time that day, she was unaware of the confused look her roommate shot in her direction.
By the third day, standing left Ena dizzy.
Even for short periods of time, Ena would sway the moment she stood on her two feet. The world around her was dimmed and discolored, when she walked she didn’t feel like she was in her body. She couldn’t feel anything. But that was okay, right? The only way for somebody to notice is if something drastic happens and she’s one step closer to getting what she wants.
Ena was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t catch the looks the purple-haired girl gave her every time she walked around.
By the fourth day, Ena couldn’t move without trembling.
She got off her bed, only to sit herself on the ground because standing was too much of an effort. She drank the entirety of her water but it did nothing to ease the pain. Instead, the way she felt it go down made her uncomfortable. A small whimper escaped her lips as she found herself feeling even weaker. She fully laid herself onto the ground, sighing softly as her body shook. What felt like an hour passed before her bedroom door opened and her roommate, Mafuyu, entered.
Ena could see the concern on her face, it made her feel warm.
“Are you okay?” Mafuyu asked.
There it was, the question she had been waiting to hear. She shook her head as she replied, “No, not really.”
“What happened?”
The follow-up question made Ena hesitate. She didn’t plan on telling how she felt nor did she think of a way to deflect the questions. The honest truth felt so pathetic, but what else was there to say?
“Have you eaten?”
Ena frowned at this question, Mafuyu was more perceptive than she originally thought. She replied with a short “no”.
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Wednesday.”
Mafuyu furrowed her brows, “Why?”
Before she could stop herself, the truth spilled out. She explained how she wanted to be seen, the jealousy of watching those around her. Her inability to express her feelings, how horrible she felt, how she didn’t want this horrible feeling to stop.
Mafuyu walked over to Ena, who was still trembling on the ground.
“I’m not going to encourage this, but I know I can’t force you to stop.” Mafuyu spoke as she sat down next to her, "You don’t have to suffer to be noticed.”
“I believe the best way to be noticed is being yourself.” She helped Ena sit up and pulled her close, “Please try and have something, your body is reaching its limits.”
Ena sat there unable to form a response. After a few moments of silence, Mafuyu spoke again.
“I’ll leave you to think.” she said as she stood, “Just know, I see you and I always have.”
Once Mafuyu left the room, Ena laid back onto the cool floor in an attempt to soothe the tremors racking through her body. She wanted to keep going, but realistically, could she handle that? She can’t do anything. On top of that, she has classes tomorrow, which she likely won’t make it through.
Though, that’ll give her the attention that she’s wishing for, won’t it? Passing out in the middle of class, maybe everyone will rush to her aid. They’ll finally notice, they’ll finally care. The thought made her smile.
Sitting up again, Ena grabbed onto her bed to pull herself off the ground. Her vision was hazy as she stumbled into the bathroom. She had to lean against the sink to brush her teeth— which took way more effort than it should’ve.
“One more day.” she mumbled, “Just one more.”
She went back into her bedroom, sitting down on her bed as she changed from her pajamas into casual clothes. It was time to make it through the day, if she could even make it down the stairs. Once in front of them, she leaned against the wall and stared down. They were discolored, everything was wrong. She couldn’t do this. She lowered herself back onto the floor, laying down in the middle of the hall. Ena let out a shaky breath as she curled up in the middle of the floor.
She would’ve been lying motionless if it weren’t for the involuntary shaking. When she stood up, it only got worse. Ena ended up scooting herself down the stairs. By the time she got to the bottom and stood up again, she nearly fell forward.
By then, it was decided. She needed to eat.
She staggered into the kitchen, grabbing the first edible thing she laid her eyes on. Even though it was just an apple, she felt disappointed in herself. Every bite felt like failure, every time she swallowed she felt like crying.
She didn’t notice as Mafuyu approached from behind, the faintest smile gracing her lips.
“I’m proud of you.” Mafuyu mumbled, watching as Ena teared up at her words.
Mafuyu notices her, she always has and always will. Ena doesn’t know why she wants more than this, it was confusing. The sadness continued to linger in her eyes, her desperation unchanging.
As thankful as she is for Mafuyu, she could only hope that next time she receives what she truly wants.
Even if she herself doesn’t know what it is.