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With This Heart of Mine That’s Guilty, Not Remorseful

Summary:

If you asked anyone, they would tell you Spoke is a hazard to himself and everyone he’s ever loved. Spoke could either love too much or act like he cares for you then stabs you in the back and gets consumed by the exploits. It was always the exploits with Spoke; he always ran back to them. They were his drug; he couldn’t get away.

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If you asked anyone, they would tell you Spoke is a hazard to himself and everyone he’s ever loved. Spoke could either love too much or act like he cares for you then stabs you in the back and gets consumed by the exploits. It was always the exploits with Spoke; he always ran back to them. They were his drug; he couldn’t get away.

Every season of life steal since season four he’s always found a way to get to the exploits. Then he joined Unstable and met JamatoP. Jamato was a friend of Spoke’s and has been for a while. They were now on a server together and Jamato called Spoke over to his base.

Jamato started going on about how he found things that shouldn’t exist. Something bubbled deep inside Spoke. Spoke was excited to what Jamato found that shouldn’t exist. The deeper they went into Jamato’s base the more pride and giddiness filled Spoke. He was hoping what Jamato had found was exploits.

Jamato paused then stepped out, there was a whole room dedicated to things that shouldn’t exist on the server. There was one thing that kept Spoke’s attention. The netherite armor that shouldn’t exist. It had a beautiful red armor trim that drew Spoke in, the kicker of it all though. The chest plate had Blast Protection IV, Fire Protection IV, Mending, Projectile Protection IV, Protection IV, and Unbreaking III. This chest plate shouldn’t exist but it does and now it’s in Spoke’s hands.

Spoke felt unstoppable, with knowing about the exploits on the server he could do whatever he wanted. He could have all the items in the world. A tiny bit inside of him yelled at him though. He heard Parrot’s voice clear as day. “Spoke. Look— Look at you bro.”

There was never a day Spoke didn’t think about those words said to him. He always pushed them far enough down though so he didn’t have to reflect on his past and mistakes. Spoke knew going after the exploits on this server would cause more harm than good. He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing the armor he knew he shouldn’t have. He stayed with Jamato and asked Squiddo to build the “Wonders” for him.

Spoke knew what he was going to do with the wonders. They were made for him to exploit. Squiddo nor her building team knew that but Spoke did. Jamato and him spent ages building different exploit machines in the wonders. Jamato took breaks but Spoke physically couldn’t. He had to exploit, he couldn’t stop.

He had forgotten how thrilling exploiting was. Joy radiated through his body as he continued to exploit. He felt the glitches run through his body. It felt like a drug taking over his body. He knew he shouldn’t do it but it was thrilling he couldn’t stop it.

Spoke knew what he was doing wrong. He couldn’t bring himself to stop it though. Everything in his body was telling him no, but the exploits were telling him yes. He heard Parrot’s voice repeat those lines over and over again but hearing them couldn’t stop him.

The exploits coarse through his body. It burned but it also felt so good. He was back at his base. He slid down the wall as tears weld in his eyes. They hurt him so badly, caused so much pain, yet he kept going back to them. He wished he didn’t go back to them. He knew the pain they caused from LifeSteal. Yet, he was like a lost dog trying to find its owner.

Spoke yelled and cried in pain in his base. He knew no one was around to hear him. No one could hear the raw pain in his voice from the exploits running through his body corrupting him more and more. It was a never ending cycle. It was a cycle Spoke always hated but always kept doing because he would die without the exploits.

Spoke threw himself together. He couldn’t be weak, Jamato didn’t know the pain the exploits have caused Spoke in the past. Jamato helped him learn about the Wormhole and it’s quirks but he didn’t know the effects it caused. Spoke wouldn’t let another friend of his see him be consumed by exploits.

He shakily stood up and pieced himself together, he’d go to Jamato’s base and tell Jamato to get rid of the exploits. As much as his mind yelled at him not to, his body begged him to. He sluggishly dragged himself over to his friends base. His only friend on the server. Parrot still didn’t trust him after season four and Wemmbu was well, Wemmbu. Spoke stood at the entrance of Jamato’s base, he felt himself glitching but knew no one else saw it. The exploits only showed themselves to him and hurt him. The Wormhole was the example of that. The Wormhole was so painful Spoke said he’d never devout his time to exploits again. But Unstable was well, unstable.

“Jamato?” Spokes voice echoed. He pushed through though. Everything hurt, he needed to get these exploits off the server.

Spoke searched through Jamato’s base he was nowhere to be found. He heard footsteps come down. He twisted his head and felt relief seeing Jamato walking down the steps.

“Spoke? What’re you doing here?” His voice was soft, Spoke wasn’t expecting that.

“We need to destroy the Wonders. The duped items, they’re just making the server worse.” Spoke’s voice was quick but not too panicky. Jamato slowly nodded at him.

“The fastest way to stop and get rid of them is well, well through an Orbital Strike Cannon.” Spoke nodded his head. He knew what had to be done, he was done with the exploits, done with the pain, done with everything.

“Let’s do it.”

Spoke and Jamato were now on a new mission. A mission to blow up the wonders with an orbital strike cannon. They gathered everything they would need and started to build it. Jamato built in the over world while Spoke built in the nether. They built them in places where people wouldn’t find them.

Spoke and Jamato were in the control room. The exploits still running through Spoke’s body, they probably always will. Nothing can get rid of them unless you die and respawn or the world resets. Spoke couldn’t die and respawn though, the server was on hardcore, one death and you’re gone forever. He also knew the world wouldn’t reset. He was desperate though. Desperate to get these exploits out of his body. Desperate to have his life back to normal. Though, he knew that wouldn’t happen. He tried praying it wouldn’t work.

Jamato softly smiled at Spoke and apologized. This was the last time Jamato would see Spoke. Spoke wasn’t ready to lose his only friend on the server. But, he knew. Spoke knew he was a hazard to himself and everyone around him. Jamato wouldn’t be safe or he’d keep exploiting if Spoke was around.

Spoke pulled him into a hug and tried not to get tears on his jacket. It was inevitable though, Jamato could feel the tears seep through the fabric. He held onto Spoke, he knew this would be the last he saw of Spoke. The Mafia was looking for Jamato, threatening Spoke. Jamato knew Spoke could hold himself, could live by himself. He knew Spoke was stronger than Spoke realized.

Spoke pulled away and pushed the button that would destroy the world. The two said their goodbyes and split their ways. Spoke knew he wouldn’t see Jamato again, he hated that. He hated being alone. Spoke knew Jamato couldn’t stay with him though, Spoke was hazardous, harmful, horrible, manipulative, and a bad friend. Spoke stood in the control room for a little longer. He knew Jamato was long gone and wouldn’t turn around.

He slowly started going back to spawn. Spawn, a place he doesn’t visit much anymore but it’s where his home is located. He didn’t visit often as he stayed with Jamato or he was working on the exploits. He stood in front of his lava casted house. He truly didn’t know what to do anymore. He lost his best friend and the only person on the server who truly liked him.

Spoke moped around his base for a while. Weeks passed by as he stayed in his home. He barely ate or slept, he had so much on his mind and no one to tell it to. He started writing diary entries to tell his secrets and thoughts to.

After he moped he finally got up and told himself he’d get rid of all the duped items on the server. He flew around finding different vaults the exploited items were at. He always knew when they were exploited / duped, his chronic pain always got more intense. He flew around and got rid of a good bit of them. It was taking a toll on his body more than usual, he was going to need help. No one was there, he was going to need help. No one was there to help him though.

Spoke crash landed outside someone's house. His body ached so much it gave out from him in the sky. He groaned in pain as he heard footsteps on the grass. The grass felt nice, it was cold and helped Spoke relax at least a tiny bit. He heard the person start talking but he didn’t truly hear the words coming out of their mouth.

“Hello? Are you okay, man? I heard you crash out here…” The person spoke as they crouched down next to Spoke.

Spoke groaned again, his body sore, his ears ringing, and his vision having black spots appear. He let out a whimper, his tail curled around his legs.

“Dude, seriously. Are you okay?” The man, Spoke realized at least he thought it was man. It was, but Spoke couldn’t really look up.

“Everything hurts” Spoke whined, he wasn’t lying either. Being by so many exploited items made everything so much worse but he needed to get rid of them.

Mapicc stood over the void creature confused. Spoke was a distant memory to him. He knew Spoke from somewhere but couldn’t place his mind on it. He had bigger problems on his hands though. Spoke was whining curled over on himself. He looked horrible and miserable.

Mapicc didn’t think twice before he scooped Spoke up into his arms. Spoke was tall but Mapicc had hidden muscle. Spoke curled into Mapicc, he was in so much pain he didn’t care who took care of him.

Spoke felt like he could throw up. The exploits made his stomach churn, especially with so many surrounding him at once. He did throw up when he was in the vault with Roshambo. Spoke felt disgusting, he could still taste the old bile that never left his mouth, and he could feel himself wanting to get sick again.

He rested his head against Mapicc’s neck and let out low rumbles from distress. He knew Mapicc, he was familiar in the sense of he used to know him. Spoke recalled back to LifeSteal then realized that’s how he knew Mapicc.

Spoke would rather not get into his past with LifeSteal in moment as he’s being carried by one of the people he hurt deeply. He knew Mapicc wouldn’t remember, not many people on Unstable did. Everything stuck with Spoke though, all his regrets, pain, and the unspeakable things he did.

Mapicc carried Spoke for what felt like forever. Spoke still felt like death and his hands shook. Spoke knew Mapicc wouldn’t hurt him, at least he hoped. Mapicc hasn’t done anything to him yet and he hoped it stayed that way.

“What happened to you Spoke” Mapicc didn’t expect a response. He was concerned though. Mapicc recalled back in his mind from where he knew Spoke and figured it out. Many people can’t call back on their memories from other servers but Mapicc was smart.

Spoke let out a low distressed rumble and pressed his face closer to Mapicc’s neck. Mapicc ran his hand up and down Spoke’s back. Whatever Spoke did in the past can be erased for now. Spoke needed a friend and Mapicc will be that for him. Mapicc will help him all he needs.

Mapicc finally stood outside Spoke’s home. Mapicc let himself in knowing Spoke didn’t care in this moment. He walked over to where he saw Spoke’s bed and laid Spoke down. Spoke was sweaty, shaking, and most likely in a bunch of pain. He brushed a small part of Spoke’s hair out of the way but it didn’t help much. Spoke’s hair was sticking to his forehead with the amount he was sweating.

“Whatcha need Spoke?” The simplest question someone could ask. Spoke hadn’t been asked that in months though. No one ever checked up on him anymore.

“Bucket? Water too maybe? Please?” Spoke’s voice sounded more desperate than what he wanted it to be. He felt horrible and everything wouldn’t stop aching. He just wanted to be normal.

“I can get that for you, anything else? You’re not a burden Spoke, don’t think you are. I’m willing to help you, so are you going to take the help or not?” Mapicc knew what words to say. He’s taken care of Spoke before, especially when the exploits became too much.

“I don’t think so.” Spoke’s voice was quieter than usual, he wasn’t used to be taken cared of. He was hazardous he hurt people. That’s all he did, but Mapicc. Mapicc is taking a chance with him and he appreciates that.

Mapicc looked around Spoke’s base to find a bucket and a bottle of water. It wasn’t that hard Spoke labeled everything shockingly. Mapicc grabbed but he needed and went back over to Spoke handing him the water and setting the bucket down next to him. Spoke’s hand shakily grabbed the bucket and he heaved. Tears fell out of Spoke’s eyes, he hated throwing up especially when he hadn’t ate anything so it was just acid.

Mapicc held back Spoke’s bangs as Spoke heaved into the bucket. He ran his hand up and down Spoke’s back whispering nothing but kind words. He told Spoke that he was so brave and he can do this. He was proud of Spoke and nothing can harm him in this moment. Spoke just hoped those words were true.

After laying in bed for a few hours Spoke finally stopped aching so horribly. The pain was still there but it was less. The exploits left his system for the most part. They never truly left his body and never will. He always had some hope they would leave but when he exploits the exploits multiple times over they linger. They don’t truly go away the affects just simmer till they boil over.

He sat up in bed and looked around his house. The bucket was on the floor surprisingly cleaned out, he had a water bottle next to his bed, it was a fresh one too, he also had pillows and blankets. New pillows and blankets he should specify he hasn’t had new pillows and blankets since he joined the server. He was thankful, he looked around for the player who was known as Mapicc.

He couldn’t find Mapicc and let out a small warble with his ears pressing flat on his head. It’s not like he knew Mapicc well. Technically he did but that was on another server that Mapicc most likely has no recollection of LifeSteal or what happened on LifeSteal. Spoke knew he had a connection to Mapicc though and he wanted him to be here with him right now.

Spoke heard shuffling outside then heard his door open and his ears perked up. He hoped it was Mapicc or at least a familiar face. Spoke’s eyes weren’t focused at all and everything was blurry but he saw Mapicc’s shape and his tail wagged happily seeing him.

“How you holding up Spoke?” Mapicc had been nothing but kind to Spoke. He appreciated it, he needed the care. He didn’t take much care of himself.

“Been better, I think. I don’t know really.” Spoke didn’t know much. He hated how he knew so little. He scratched at his arms, a habit he needed to break but he didn’t care much either. His throat felt dry, his eyes were watery, and he just wanted to bawl. He didn’t though, he kept his composure and tried to stay relatively happy.

“You need anything again?” Those oh so kind words. Spoke knew he’d hurt Mapicc, he always hurt the people he loved. There was a selfish part of him who wanted to keep Mapicc close though. He thought his ways could change, he thought he could be better, he thought just maybe his love wouldn’t be too much.

“Water would be nice… and maybe, only If you want to please don’t think I’m pressuring you what so ever please don’t think that and leave me. I’m sorry it’s so stupid, I’m so—” Spoke was rambling, he didn’t mean too it just happened.

“Spoke. What do you want, you’re not too much and I’m not leaving anytime soon.” Mapicc knelt next to Spoke’s bed and he saw hesitation in Spoke’s eyes. He couldn’t predict it but Spoke flew into his arms. Mapicc caught and held him.

Spoke flung his arms around Mapicc and squeezed. He knew his bad luck with friendships would happen sooner or later but he really hoped it was later. He wanted to be held, to be loved, just once without fucking it up. He knew he was harmful but maybe Mapicc could handle the harmfulness and escape it. Maybe Mapicc could live in unison with Spoke and not leave him. Just maybe, but it was always maybes and never a reality. Spoke could never truly be in unison with someone. He always hurts them. He’s like a pretty rose, he looks beautiful but once you try and get close he pricks you and harms you.

“Whatever happened in the past is the past Spoke, I’m here now and I’m staying. You’re not as harmful as you think.” Mapicc held Spoke. If he felt his shirt dampen, well that’s just another conversation. “You don’t think… think that I’m hazardous?” Spoke’s voice was ratchet and broken.

“No, Spoke, you’re not hazardous and whoever told you that is wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Mapicc felt Spoke relax against him. “You really think so?” Spoke had hope in his voice. Someone wouldn’t leave him for once. They said he wasn’t harmful or hazardous. He felt seen.

“I know so, Spoke” Mapicc had Spoke in his hold and wouldn’t let go for a while. They stayed together in silence. It was calm, the calmest it’s ever been on the Unstable Universe for Spoke.

“You’re not leaving right?” Spoke was scared, he didn’t want to be left again. He’s been left too much; he can’t be alone. He hates being alone, cause then it leaves him to himself and his thoughts. His thoughts were never pleasant.

“Not anytime soon, unless you kick me out” Mapicc chuckled and nudged Spoke. Spoke let out a small laugh and rested his head on Mapicc’s shoulder.

They stayed in silence; it wasn’t a bad silence though. It was calming, they were able to co-exist with each other. Words didn’t need to be said, they already said a lot. Mapicc would ask about the exploits but not now. It was peaceful, the exploits didn’t need to take the peace away in this moment. They were able to live peacefully. Peace didn’t come too easy to the Unstable Universe, but it's came in this moment, and they both took it for granted.

Spoke wasn’t being hunted or being hurt by the exploits. Mapicc wasn’t being hunted either. They just existed, they were content, happy, and they co-existed. The Unstable Universe tended to be unstable a lot of the times. Though, there were times of peace when nothing happened, and everyone lived with one another. Spoke and Mapicc would have their battles, but they didn’t worry about that in this moment. They were both happy being held by one another.