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"The roof is gone, we can't land."
In those seven words, Tommy was no longer the forty-something firefighter pilot, hovering over a burning apartment building that he was supposed to be airlifting his fiance from, along with a patient and two other firefighters.
He was the freshly twenty-one year old army pilot, hovering over the remains of a building that had exploded moments before. Half a dozen soldiers had gone down with it, buried somewhere among the rubble.
"We need to find somewhere safe to land."
His copilot was taking over the controls to take them to a nearby parking lot to wait for their next instructions from the IC, to wait to hear if everyone got out safe.
His copilot was taking over the controls to get them the hell out of there, away from the collapsed building, taking enemy fire as the chopper moved away.
"Return to base." Came over the radio before any updates.
He was flying across LA, worrying about the love of his life, not knowing if he had just lost everything that meant the most to him.
He was flying across a war zone in a damaged bird, worrying about the team he'd had to leave behind. Feeling like he'd failed, that he was responsible for the failed rescue.
"Kinard."
He was dressed in fatigues, standing at attention in front of his commanding officer. It had been days since the mission, rescue teams had gone out and returned empty handed. "You did everything you could, but there were no survivors."
He was standing in front of his captain, only being held up by the wall beside him, his LAFD issue flight suit unzipped He hadn't even bothered finishing the post flight paperwork, leaving it to his copilot. "Everyone made it out alive. Buckley is being taken to First Pres as a precaution, but they doubt he'll be admitted. I'll get someone to drive you over there."
"Are you okay?" Evan asked as they left the hospital later that day, Evan walking away with a clean bill of health.
"Me? You were the one trapped in a burning building that was collapsing on top of you." Tommy replied, brushing off Evan's concern.
"And I'm fine. You've been. Off. Ever since you got here. You've been quiet. No bitchy comments, no nothing." Evan said, pulling Tommy to a stop.
"I was just worried about you." Tommy again tried to deflect.
"No offense, but that is the least convincing bullshit I have ever heard." Evan responded, cupping Tommy's face. "You've been worried about me before , when I was actually injured and still kept up a stream of bitchy commentary as we waited for doctors. Today it's like you're trapped in your own head. And Jones texted me that you had been out of it ever since we lost the roof."
"I don't like to talk about it. Not even to my therapist." Tommy admitted, taking Evan's hand again and pulling him towards the car that had been dropped off. If they were going to do this, he wanted it to be private.
"Please, talk to me? I'm worried about you." Evan said as they got to the car.
Tommy sat for a minute, just staring out the windshield, trying to figure out what to say. "'The roof is gone, we can't land.' That's what Jones said when he saw the roof fail. It's also what my copilot said during a bad mission when I was in the Army. We were supposed to be lifting out a team of six. The building exploded. I found out a few days later that there were no survivors."
"So it threw you back into your repressed memories." Evan said softly, taking Tommy's hand and holding it tight.
"It felt like I was that naive twenty-one year old kid flying through a war zone again. The fear, the guilt, the pain. All of it felt as intense as it did back then."