Work Text:
Tim never meant for this to happen.
It had started off so harmless. He’d seen certain fluctuating patterns of behaviors in the women in his life, so, on a whim, he’s begun writing them down. He was a detective, after all, and detectives gathered data. It was just in his nature. And it had been so easy – the charts and spreadsheets had basically created themselves. By the time Tim realized what he’d actually been tracking, it had been too late. The results had been far too good for him to stop.
Cass:
- On 4 days, off 24
- Day 1: shower is 55% longer, takes 800mg ibuprofen before patrol
- Day 2: verbal responses decrease 77%, ASL use increases 34%
- Day 3: bad guys beware (punch intensity increases 66%)
- Day 4: very hungry (offer to go out for sushi)
- General guidelines:
- Prefers milk chocolate and salt and vinegar chips (must be kettle cooked)
- DO NOT DISTURB DURING YOGA
- Products of choice: menstrual cup plus period underwear
Barbara:
- On 4 days, off 25
- Day 1: if heating pad is in use, DO NOT APPROACH
- Day 2: 89% chance of tension headaches (provide extra caffeine and enforce screen breaks)
- Day 3: 200% increase in sarcasm (take nothing she says personally)
- Day 4: mostly back to normal
- General guidelines:
- Prefers coffee, gummy worms, and dark chocolate
- Rubbing her temples = trying not to cry; send in Dick immediately
- Products of choice: pads (the kind with wings)
Steph
- On 5 days, off 22
- Day 1: 86% decrease in physical activity (will not leave couch)
- Day 2: may throw up (provide Gatorade and keep trashcan close)
- Day 3: 115% increase in tears (bring tissues and ice cream and offer movie night)
- Day 4: 150% increase in break-outs (do not acknowledge)
- Day 5: very clingy (300% increase in physical touch)
- General guidelines
- Prefers ice cream, Goldfish, and white or milk chocolate
- Make sure there’s plenty of hydrogen peroxide in the laundry room (leaks are inevitable on Days 1-2)
- DO NOT PAIR HER WITH JASON ON PATROL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
- Products of choice: tampons (requires Super Plus/Ultra for early days), pads for nighttime/backup
Sure, it did occur to Tim that if any of the girls ever found his notebook, he’d likely perish. But in his mind, the benefits outweighed the risks. Since developing his Crimson Files™, Tim had enjoyed a 185% decrease in insults and projectiles thrown at his head. Beyond that, he genuinely liked knowing how to help them feel better. After all, if he bled out of his nether regions every month, he’d want all the assistance he could get.
So, at peace with the fact that it would quite possibly send him into an early grave someday, he kept tracking.
He just never expected to be the cause of his own downfall.
In hindsight, Tim really should have slept before the mission briefing. By his best guess, it had been approximately seventy-six hours since he’d last slept – not his personal record by any means, but long enough that his brain was not functioning at full capacity (maybe 48%, if that). That was strike one. Strike two was the fact that Tim was very particular about his notebooks. When Moleskine had come out with limited edition Starwars notebooks with TIE Fighters on them, Tim had bought 500. He kept the cases in one of his closets and pulled singular books out as he needed them. At the moment, he estimated he had about twenty of them in circulation. He kept track of which notebook was used for what solely based on where they were in his room.
The final nail in his coffin was bringing what he thought to be his case notebook to the briefing and handing it to Barbara without double checking its contents (a mistake he never would have made had his brain been at least 60% functional).
Barbara started flipping through the notebook right as everyone settled into their seats, a frown growing on her face. “Uh, Tim? Why is my name in here? And Steph’s and Cass’s?”
Aaaaand strike three! Batter out!
“Um, it’s nothing! Just a personal project I’m working on. I’ll just take that back and go get the right notebook.”
But it was too late.
Stephanie and Cass were already out of their seats and looking over Barbara’s shoulder as she skimmed the notebook’s contents.
“The Crimson Files? What does that even mean?” Stephanie asked.
“It looks like some kind of… calendar? There’s charts and graphs in here, too. Cass on 4, off 24, Barbara on 4, off 25, Steph on 5, off 22 – Tim, are you tracking our menstrual cycles?!?”
Every eye in the room was on him. His cheeks felt like they were on fire. This was it. This was the end of Timothy Drake-Wayne. “I-I can explain.”
But the girls weren’t having it.
“‘Day one: 86% decrease in physical activity. Day three: 115% increase in tears?’ What the actual hell, Tim? This is so creepy!” Steph exclaimed.
Cass frowned. “And so accurate.”
Beside him, Jason elbowed him in the ribs. “Damn, Tim, this is too far, even for your Bat-stalking ass.”
Tim winced at the jab. “Again, I can explain!”
Barbara was pinching the bridge of her nose. “You have thirty seconds. Go.”
“Okay,” he let out a breath. “First of all, I didn’t set out to do this on purpose. You know how sometimes, I have trouble reading people? And because of that I say or do stupid shit that makes people mad? Well, I noticed it happened a lot more often with the women than with the men. Then, I noticed fluctuating patterns in behavior that seemed cyclical, so I started graphing them. By the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it. I just wanted to help.”
There was silence around the table. Absolute silence. Bruce looked like he might have actually stopped breathing. Tim closed his eyes and braced himself for death.
But it never came.
“Oh. My. God,” Dick deadpanned.
Steph sighed. “I mean, it’s still creepy, but also kinda sweet, if you think about it.”
“He meant well,” Cass pointed out.
“Which is the only reason he gets to live,” Barbara decided. She closed the notebook and slid it across the table back to Tim. “Lock it up. Show no one. And do not continue to collect data without permission. I will be checking periodically to ensure no new entries have been made. Failure to abide by these rules will result in your complete and utter downfall. Understood?”
Tim furrowed his brows in confusion as he took back the notebook. “I don’t get it. You’re letting me keep it?”
The redhead shrugged. “You have an eidetic memory, Tim. Even if we did destroy it, you could just recreate it. This way, we know exactly what information you have. Besides, it’s probably best for everyone in the long run you continue to know how not to piss us off.”
He didn’t understand. He genuinely thought he’d be dead by now. It seemed the power of the Crimson Files had saved his ass once again.
“Um… thank you?”
“You’re welcome. But we will be having a family meeting reiterating the importance of boundaries next week. I will be making a Powerpoint for the occasion, and attendance will be mandatory for everyone. Now, does anyone have anything else to say before we move forward with the mission briefing?”
Damian raised his hand. He’d been looking at Tim with a newfound respect. “May I see the notebook?”
Everyone in the room yelled in unison. “NO!”